Ally, Merry Christmas from us all! I hope you like this.

Theo tried not to make any noises that would make someone—Draco—appear in the kitchen. Although the kitchen at Malfoy Manor wasn't anywhere near the master bedroom, Theo still didn't want to make any noise.

It was the first Christmas, after the war, that he and Draco were spending together, seeing how it had only been three months before since they had finally admitted their feelings for each other. Theo was happier than he had ever been by being with Draco, but something was nagging at the back of his mind and he couldn't stop thinking about it.

Deciding that three am was an excellent hour to eat cookies, he found the jar of cookies that the elves had put aside. It wasn't like someone was going to run into him while he ate all the gingerbread men to his heart's content.

"What are you doing?" a voice from behind him asked, startling Theo and making him choke on his cookie. "If you're going to choke on something, I prefer you choke on my dick rather than the cookies."

"You're such a pig sometimes," Theo mumbled, glaring at how Draco was laughing at him. "Why are you up? I know you're a heavy sleeper and not even the Giant Squid banging on the window of our dorm could wake you up."

Draco shrugged and sat down next to Theo. "I woke up and you weren't in our bed, so I came to see what happened. Why are you up at this ungodly hour? And eating all the cookies?"

Theo started to blush, not knowing what to reply to him. He didn't have a reason why he was eating the cookies; Theo never trusted others easily nor felt comfortable around people. Draco was an exception, after sharing a dorm room for six years, the blond knew exactly how Theo felt.

"I think I got a little anxious and sugar always helps calm me down," Theo murmured, not looking at his boyfriend. "The ginger and the nutmeg in the cookies always calmed me down—even though the cinnamon makes my heart beat faster."

Draco snorted, and Theo flinched, misunderstanding him. "I think it's cute that you're such a nerd when it comes to food and what goes in your favourite foods."

Theo knew that he was blushing harder now, but he couldn't help himself; everytime Draco complimented him, even if it was for something so small like knowing what the recipe of gingerbread cookies used, he couldn't help but feel a surge of love for the blond.

"Why didn't you wake me up when you felt the anxiety? You know I would love to help you in any way that I can," Draco said softly, and Theo fell in love with him even more after that.

"I didn't want to be a burden, I just wanted to eat something sweet and try to gather my thoughts in a way that made sense," Theo replied, sighing to himself and not looking at Draco. He always felt ashamed for having anxiety attacks over the smallest things.

"Oh, Theo. You could never be a burden to me, you idiot. Why would you even think that?" Draco said, approaching him and slowly wrapping his arms around Theo's waist. He brought him closer to his chest and gently tucked Theo's head under his chin. "You can eat as many cookies as you want—I won't say a thing."

Theo closed his eyes and felt his shoulders relax when Draco pressed a soft kiss on the top of his head and nuzzled his hair, tightening his arms around him. He loved it when Draco pulled him into the warmest hugs because anyone who thought they knew Draco would never assume he could give the best hugs in the whole world. Theo was so lucky to know better.

Theo had first developed feelings for Draco in his third year. He had woken up one morning, rolled out of bed, and bumped into Draco's naked chest. That hadn't been too strange because they shared the same dorm room and bumped into each other quite often—no, the strange part had been that Theo's still-sleepy mind had noticed the way Draco's hair shone in the dim light of the floating candles and the way his thin arms were beginning to gain some definition. He had noticed the way Draco's lips tugged up in a mischievous smirk before he had flicked Theo's nose and teased him for having a ridiculous case of bedhead.

Theo still remembered the way he had stiffened and stared at Draco with wide eyes. All of a sudden, Draco's grey eyes were just a bit more beautiful, his albino-white hair was now a perfect shade of platinum-blond and the strands would feel soft and smooth under Theo's hands, and Draco's long fingers seemed like they would fit in perfectly between his own.

Theo remembered the way he had stuttered out a weak retort and hastened to leave the room as fast as he could, his heart pounding in his throat and his stomach clenching with something he couldn't name until much later.

It was desire.

He remembered the first time he had admitted it to himself and how his face had warmed when his hand sliding over his dick had faltered in the movement for a second at the mental image of Draco on his knees in front of him.

He hadn't been able to stop himself from finishing what he had started, but he had been so embarrassed by his actions that he hadn't been able to look Draco in the eyes for a week after that. Daphne Greengrass had sat him down and demanded an explanation why he was avoiding Draco, and he had confessed to his supposed sins.

Daphne had stared at him for a few seconds before bursting into peals of laughter. Theo had been mortified and had tried to storm out of the room, but Daphne had leapt up and stopped him.

"I'm sorry! I'm not laughing at you—I'm laughing at your situation," she had said, sniggering under her breath.

Theo had not appreciated that, well meaning or not.

In his delicate state, he had stormed out and had hidden in the boys toilets near Gryffindor tower to ensure that absolutely nobody would find him. But he had guessed it was in vain as Daphne had finally hunted him down at dinner where he had no longer been able to escape her as the growing hunger from skipping all meals had snuck up on him.

She had dragged him off to the girls dormitories afterwards, ignoring all the protests he had made and both of them had proceeded to drink watered-down Firewhisky and chat shit about boys.

He had learnt all sorts of interesting things that night. Like how he had much stronger feelings than just desire for Draco and how Daphne had an illicit desire of her own in the form of one Harry Potter.

It had been a busy night and a very ill morning, but it had been worth it in the form of one unbreakable friendship with Daphne.

But this was what now led him to a cookie-binge at three in the morning holding back the tears that would flow over his face if Draco dared to take his hands off his shoulders right now. It felt like that was the only thing holding him down and keeping him connected to reality rather than Theo just disconnecting from it all and just drifting.

And he didn't even understand why he was feeling this way, it wasn't even like it had been bad news; in fact it was exactly the opposite. It was great, Daphne had spoken to him earlier that day to secretly share the news that she was pregnant—she hadn't even told Harry yet.

And Theo was overjoyed—he truly was. He knew how desperately Daphne had been yearning for a baby ever since they had started trying four months ago.

Yet, maybe, it was just because he felt as if the world was suddenly changing all around him and he was still stuck in that awkward phase? Daphne and Harry were having a baby, all his school friends were getting married and settling down, hell, even Draco had gotten a big promotion at work recently.

And where did that leave him? Still the poor awkward kid that had always been in the background at school and now he still faded away into the background of most people's lives leaving him alone to rely on old coping methods of eating some days-old gingerbread cookies at three in the morning.

He took a deep breath, feeling Draco's nimble fingers digging into his muscles on his back, forcing them to drop down and relax as the tension was eased.

"I love you, Draco, you know that, don't you?"

Theo felt Draco's hands stop in their ministrations. It felt as if the silence in the room was echoing all around them, louder than anything he had ever heard before.

A stuttered breath broke the silence. "Theodore, I…"

Theo gulped and then gently put his fingers against Draco's lips. "You don't have to say those words back just yet," he murmured.

Draco shook his head and Theo's heart stuttered. Draco licked the pads of Theo's fingertips and Theo removed his fingers, his face scrunched in slight disgust.

"I want to; I do love you. But where is this unhappiness coming from?" Draco asked, reaching out for a cookie and turning to fetch himself a glass of milk. "Milk?"

Theo shook his head at the question. He should have known better than to attempt to lie to Draco. It wasn't a big lie, just not the whole truth, and Theo wasn't sure what the truth looked like.

"I'm not angry or unhappy with you," Theo said, packing away the cookies. If he had any more tonight, he would feel guilt and shame over eating them in the morning. "It's just that everyone has something their building towards, a future of sorts for themselves, and I can barely figure out how to get out of bed most days."

Draco didn't say anything in reply, and Theo waited for Draco to tell him that he was exaggerating, that people did things in their own time and that a baby didn't mean Daphne and Harry had magically become more adult. That was what most people would've told him and Theo desperately wanted that validation.

He wanted to know that although another year of his life had been lived in mediocrity that there was still hope for him.

"Who baked these cookies?" Draco asked after gulping down the rest of his milk.

Theo's eyebrows furrowed at the question. Draco knew the answer to that; Theo always baked the cookies that lay around the house. Baking was a quiet rebellion, a Muggle one.

"I did," Theo said. "You were with me and pouted when I refused to send Daphne the ones you cut out in the shape of a dick."

"And were you happy then? Did you feel small?"

Oh, this was what Draco was getting at? The question made Theo's heart sink even more. Draco didn't get it, did he? Sometimes Theo wondered how they were compatible at all. Draco dealt with the struggles of life by making himself the centre of any situation. Theo, on the other hand, just wanted to hide, preferably in Daphne's arms and only come out as Harry made dinner.

"You're not listening to me!" Theo whined. He knew he was not communicating well and he grasped to find the words to explain himself. Draco didn't understand three am cookies and frenzied baking sessions. The blond didn't understand fear so paralyzing that the only thing Theo could do was walk around the house in a constant feedback loop that had no end.

"I know I don't," Draco simply said. "But you're stuck in this cycle, and Daphne having a child will mean one less person in your circle to pull you out of it."

Theo didn't know when Draco had turned so cruel.

He turned his back to Draco and took a deep breath. The words had been hard to say. They had felt foreign coming out of his mouth even if they had tasted sweet. Yet the way Draco was acting, even that small act of hesitation had left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth.

"I… Maybe I should go…" Theo whispered quietly, and he heard Draco gasp behind him. "I just need some air, yeah?"

Draco didn't move. He glanced anxiously at the door and back to Theo. Theo could see all the conflict whirling in his boyfriend's head, and there was a part of him which wished desperately that Draco would stop him.

It died when Draco stepped aside from the door. And Theo swallowed the lump in his throat as he grabbed his coat and closed the door behind him.

It was oddly calming outside. Cold and cool and almost a million miles from his apartment despite it barely being outside the front door. He took a deep breath in, letting the frigid air wash out his lungs and began to walk.

It was snowing. Theodore loved the snow. It seemed to reset everything, even the dank, greying buildings of the city glistened and sparkled under the flakes that fell from on high. Each footstep crunched in a steady rhythm that seemed to beat in time to the laughter and carols that echoed around him.

The shops had a couple of families and screaming children, but every one of them was beaming at each other, not caring a drop that it was 4 degrees below freezing, not caring that their socks were sodden in their boots or the tips of their noses so red it would put Rudolph's to shame. Their laughter was captured in the cloud of each breath.

That was the thing about winter. It was not just the weather that froze, it was almost as though time did too. That the holidays were this magical force that could hold the world still for a moment, like the peak of a rollercoaster right before it tumbled into the chaos of January.

And through all of it, Theo couldn't help but think of Draco. His hair as white as the snow under his feet, how his eyes sparkled like the dozens of Christmas lights draped over every building and side street. How, when he smiled, Theo wanted nothing more than to capture it like a cloud in a jar and treasure it forever.

And Theo had walked out on him.

Because he was afraid of growing up; they both were. Harry, Daphne, a baby, love. All of it was so big and terrifying and final that Theo almost wanted to explode. Just like the month in it, they were teetering on the edge of the cliff just waiting to topple forward but having idea what was at the bottom. Theo was terrified.

But dammit, he wanted nothing more than to be holding onto Draco when he fell.

He raced back to the manor, his scarf flying over his shoulder into the snow. He crashed into the door and leapt up the stairs four at a time, finally coming to a jarring halt at his front door.

Draco wasn't there. Theo checked each room. He checked for Draco's coat.

It was gone.

Oh, he thought and stared into his fireplace for a moment, not sure what to do next. Terrified, he wondered if when Draco had been saying he'd have one less person, he'd been talking about himself.

Theo reached for the cookies again. And cried into his milk.

Until the fireplace lit up and Draco wobbled into the room with bags in his hands, met Theo's wet eyes, and looked around like he wasn't sure where to put the bags. Or what to say.

Apparently, he figured it out before Theo could think of anything.

"I know I don't quite understand. I don't get it. You're right: I've always had a future to get to; I've always known what I was going to do because it was what my father wanted me to do. My future was easy to build towards because I never had to plan it out. I'm just following the pattern," Draco said, starting to set down items. Sugar. Flour. Eggs.

"I don't think you're doing a bad job. I think you're figuring stuff out, something I never had to do. Even Daphne has known she'd have a child since she was one herself, you know that. It's how we're raised. You're not doing bad because everyone else seems further ahead. None of us know what we're doing either. We're just doing what we're told."

Shortening hit the counter, and Draco ran his hands through his hair. He looked flushed. Theo was trembling a little. He always did when emotions ran high. And he had had a lot of sugar. It calmed him down emotionally but not physically.

"I didn't fall in love with you because you were on the right track. I don't expect that from you. All I expect from you is to be included on whatever track you're on. And if that includes late night cookies and making you breakfast as an extra out-of-bed incentive, then so be it. I can do that. And I couldn't be happier. And if nothing else, you can take your list of accomplishments you think you need to achieve to be a grown up like the rest of us, and you can check 'a happy boyfriend' off. I know you're not fine, Theo. But I absolutely promise you, you will be."

Draco handed him the tiny container of cinnamon.

"I know it's four in the morning. But I'm hoping your walk has made you cold enough to want to bake some cookies. If that would help. Otherwise we can go to bed."

Theo's anxiety wasn't gone. Daphne was still having her baby, and she would have a lot less time for him. He still felt like he needed to hide. He still felt left behind. He was still trembling, and his eyes were starting to burn from crying into cookie faces.

But Draco was there. And he would be there even on the cliff edge even when Theo inevitably fell.

"Bed, definitely," Theo said, weak but hopeful. Theo was left behind, but Draco was staying in the back with him. "I'm fucking tired."

Draco nodded and held out his hand. They leant on each other's shoulders on the way back to bed.

"Mm. That's a no to the oral offer from earlier, then?" Draco asked, and Theo didn't even call him a pig.