Paradis University CLASS of 2022 and 2023: Application Essays
BRAUS, Sasha PU ID# 20231556
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped define you as a person?
You see, I ate a potato once.
It was a fantastic potato, I tell you. I first experienced the luscious, starchy vegetable at the ripe age of 7. One day, my daddy came back from hunting, and a few hours afterward, my mama had prepared a rabbit stew with the bunny corpse he had so expertly culled.
I considered myself a timid kid then, but I kicked that bunny abomination off the table faster than you can say tomato. The reason for that, you're probably wondering, is that I smelled a potato in the air. My brother helped dig some up with my daddy.
"Sasha!" My mom yelled.
"What, bitch?" I replied. The luscious aroma of the raw potato aroused the sensitive walls of my nose. It summoned something in me: assertiveness.
I stood up from my chair and walked to my brother. I picked up the vegetable and shoved it in my mouth immediately. I wanted every taste bud to experience the crunch of nature's gold.
The sentence I said afterward is etched into my mind in a frame made of my soul. "This tastes like the earth."
Admission Decision: Deferred
HOOVER, Bertholdt PU ID# 20229726
Why do you think Paradis University is a good fit for you?
All my life, I've been a beta male, a nice guy, if you prefer more straightforward terminology.
When I was squeezed from the flaps of my mother's womb, my father slapped me in the face saying that he wanted me to be a man from the moment I was born.
The day I was old enough to walk, he gave me a hammer and told me to build a wall in our home because that's supposedly what real men do daily. When I pricked my thumb on the wood, he left me outside in the rain, saying it would build mental toughness, which real men have tons of.
I got into weightlifting around the age of twelve since, according to my dad, whenever a boy's balls drop for the first time, they should get into it. Since I couldn't lift 145 pounds on the first try at the bench press, he got sick from disappointment and was rushed to the hospital. When he was on his pain medication, he would often say that I was a girl in the womb in the first month, but he used his bare hands to change the second X chromosome to a Y to make me a boy.
I failed him, and ever since that day, I've lacked the confidence to assert myself, primarily when people used to call me "baby giraffe" for being so tall. And it's not my fault that I sleep weird.
I'm a good fit for Paradis University because I know its inclusive environment will accept beta males like me and won't force me to become an alpha male my dying father wants me to be.
Admission Decision: Waitlisted
The applicant will be provided counseling if accepted.
ARLERT, Armin PU ID# 20230069
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
I was looking through the attic one day for some lincoln logs. Instead, I found legions of books emanating light in the dark atmosphere of my dungeon-like house. After my father got convicted for overly coordinated murder, my mother put his strategy books in the attic and forgot to burn them since she too got murdered.
I've been living with my grandpa ever since. Anyway, back to the main point, I read the first chapter of one of the books and said to myself, "whoa this is some good stuff. I should give up social skills for this."
Give it up, I did.
In my high school years, I grew an affinity for argumentation, so well in fact that my teachers got worried that I was arguing against my own alter ego, "The Dark Lord," in my essays. When a bully tried taking my lunch money, he locked me in my locker, but fortunately, one of my computers was in there. I typed up an argumentative report of how stealing the money in the long term would not positively benefit his family's financial status and how it's unsustainable. He would have to put effort into every act of poor behavior...
Public policy became a pastime for me, and I grew enamored with a politician's ability to do everything in their power to be useless. It is as if a comb-over and a BMI over 25 are necessary to hold political power. I'm sure you don't know what a BMI is. Anyway, I plan to utilize the resources at Paradis University to break into the UN and finally assert myself as a true politician of this country. The Dark Lord's rule shall be omnipotent.
Admission Decision: Admitted; Presidential Scholarship
The applicant will be watched for possible international crimes.