Another week of melting in the heat. I hope it's cooler where you are, darlings! I've been handling it so far with refrigerated fruit; just any fruit I could get my hands on. How do you guys handle the heat this year? Aside from AC, of course :P
As always my lovelies, go ahead and enjoy this chapter and don't forget to toss me a little review, to let me know what you think~ ;)
P.S. All Attack on Titan characters belong to Isayama Hajime. I only own my OCs.
19. You're still you
~ 850 ~
"How are you feeling?"
Opening her eyes at the sound of Levi's voice and the feeling of a hand gently stroking her hair, Natalie huffed with a resigned smile.
"I told you I'm alright..." she replied, her gaze going to the cut on his shoulder which Sasha had sewn up earlier. "I wish we had some alcohol for that."
"This isn't going to put me down." he retorted, reaching to pull her shirt up and check her wound.
"That tickles..." the redhead flinched when he trailed his fingers along the still overly sensitive skin. "I told you it's all healed."
Sitting up, she first reached for his arm getting him to angle himself so that she could properly check Sasha's handiwork, before pushing his hair aside to check the cut on his forehead.
"Alright, you'll survive..." she stated with a measure of humor. "Just put a shirt on; don't want the boys to get all jealous."
Rather than letting her get up, however, he took advantage of the fact that they were out of sight to reach for her hand and pull her closer.
"I wish you'd learn your lesson already..." he sighed, leaning his forehead against hers. "Or do you enjoy having me beg for you to not be a hero? Do you even know how I felt when I saw that piece of shit trying to take you away?"
"I can kind of imagine... I don't think you ever moved that fast before."
Her retort brought an involuntary half-smile to his lips and he pressed forth for a brief kiss.
"After all these years... you're still a damn brat."
"So long as I'm your damn brat... now put a shirt on, before you catch a cold."
Slipping away from his grasp, she got to her feet and gathered the cloak Sasha had lent her as a makeshift blanket to lie on while she waited for her body to heal. Following him to where the others were gathered around a lantern, she eyed the men tied off to the side before her attention was drawn to Levi who had retrieved his shirt.
"How are you feeling?" Jean asked.
"Better." she smiled lightly. "Sasha... I'm afraid we'll have to wash this when we get the chance. I kind of bled all over it."
"It's no problem." the girl shook her head with a smile of her own. "I'm just glad you weren't injured any worse. Captain... I'll go switch with Conny."
With Levi nodding his approval, the girl stepped outside to get the rifle from Conny and start her turn to guard the door.
"Here..." Levi said, handing the redhead a cracker as soon as she had taken a seat on the box next to him. "You need to get your strength back; you lost a lot of blood."
Though she smiled at that, her humor soon faded when she noticed Armin staring blankly into the lantern's small flame, unable to eat his ration.
"What is it?" Levi inquired of him. "Did this grimy place kill your appetite?"
"No..." the boy replied, his voice just as hollow as his gaze. "Jean, there's something I don't understand..."
"...What is it?" Jean stammered.
"When I killed that person to save you... why did I shoot first? I honestly thought I didn't make it in time..."
"That's because..."
"Because the other person hesitated." the young Captain chimed in.
"Armin I'm sorry..." Jean pleaded. "I should've done what I had to do..."
"The person that I killed... I'll bet they were a nice person. I'm sure they were more human than I am..." Armin went on, as though he hadn't even heard them. "I pulled the trigger so easily... I did..."
"Armin, you've got blood on your hands now." Levi cut him off, at last drawing the boy out of his state of shock. "You can't go back to who you were."
"Why would you say that to him?" Mikasa scowled.
"Because it's true... wasn't it the same for you?" Natalie interjected, her question silencing the brunette.
"Just embrace the new you." Levi went on, as though they hadn't interrupted him. "Think about it, if your hands were still clean... Jean wouldn't be sitting here right now. I'll tell you why you pulled the trigger – because your comrade was about to die. Armin... thanks to you getting blood on your hands, no one on our squad died. Thank you."
"Captain Levi..." Jean spoke up at last. "I... thought it was wrong to fight other humans... and that it was wrong for you to order us to do so. I couldn't understand how you and Natalie could do it so easily. I was afraid of hurting other people... but I was the one who was wrong. Next time, I swear I'll pull the trigger!"
"I never said anything about who was right or wrong. I don't even know myself... are you really the one in the wrong?"
"And who said it was easy?" Natalie chimed in. "Do you want to know what happens when you kill someone? Your brain slows down and you see it happening bit by bit... every last second of it gets burned into your memory. You see the exact moment when that person understands they're going to die; you see the growing horror in their stare as they realize they have no chance of escaping it. And then you see the light fade out, the life leaving their eyes. It only takes a second, but in your head it seems like it stretches on forever; like some never-ending nightmare. It's never easy... it never becomes easy, no matter how many times you do it. But sometimes you have to make a choice – your enemies, or your comrades... which one is more important to you?"
~ oOo ~
'How long has it been going on, now?' Natalie pondered, watching the full moon as she sat on the broken stone wall that had once fenced in the abandoned millhouse.
To their great fortune Levi had managed to strike a deal with the merchant they had captured in Trost, to have him lure pastor Nick's murderers into their trap. Though she hadn't agreed with the idea, Levi had taken it upon himself to torture them for information – aided by Hange once the researcher had arrived with Moblit. In an attempt to protect what was left of Armin's innocence, she had tried dragging the boy outside with her but he had refused despite expressing his gratitude for her kind gesture.
'It's been louder since Hange arrived...' she mused again, listening to the muted screams coming from the cellar; she could only imagine how much worse it was inside the house.
Maybe she was weird in that the screams themselves didn't really bother her; the idea that two people were being tortured didn't bother her. What bothered her was that Levi and Hange had been forced to do that kind of thing, when she knew just how kind and caring they were. What bothered her was that they would be forced to live with that for the rest of their lives. What bothered her was that Armin and the others had been forced to get involved in such things, to lose their innocence in such a brutal way.
"You'd better not be crying for those assholes down there."
Levi's voice startled her and she lowered her gaze to see him walking towards her. His words at the same time made her aware of the wet trails on her cheeks, which she only felt when she reached up to her face.
"What is it? Why are you crying?"
The warmth of his hand as he cupped her cheek brought forth fresh tears from her eyes. Shaking her head, she instead covered his hand with her own and pressed her lips into his palm trying to hold back the sudden urge to cry. But then he stepped closer between her legs and gently beckoned her to lower her head so he could kiss her.
"Don't cry... they don't deserve it."
"It's not for them..." she whispered and knew he understood what she meant, by the way his expression softened.
Rather than replying, he wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her chest with a long, tired sigh.
"Thank you..." he said at last, when she returned his embrace and he felt her fingers combing through his hair. 'Thank you for still being kind enough to let things like this hurt you. I love you for that...'
So many people had become so jaded and selfish in that cramped world within the Walls; and the fact that she was somehow still so kind, so loving, so sincere in her feelings... that was incredible to him. That was something he was resolved to protect at whatever cost, the same way he knew she would have protected him from everything bad in the world, if she could. Again he heaved a sigh, breathing in her scent, and felt more rested than if he had slept an entire night.
"I wish I had come back after that day..." he said, without really meaning to speak his thoughts aloud. "I wish I had gotten to know more of how stupidly kind you are."
"Don't regret it." she whispered, startling him into leaning back to look at her teary smile. "Who knows what would have happened, if you did come back? I'm just grateful that I got to see you again after all that time. Don't regret it. Because every step we took, every little thing that we did, every choice we ever made... that's what led us to this moment. That's why we're here now, why I can hold you in my arms like this. So I don't regret it... I don't regret anything."
Though at first her voice quivered with the urge to cry, it regained strength the more she spoke while she tenderly traced his cheekbone with her thumb. It did momentarily register as she was doing that, that her other hand was still clenched onto his shirt just as she had done that day, so many years ago. In the end she was still the same... still clinging to him while crying. And he was still so impossibly kind and caring, letting her do that without pushing her away, without scolding her for being childish.
"So? Did they tell you anything?" she asked in the end, using her sleeve to wipe the salty trails off her cheeks.
"Reiss is the true royal family." he replied, startling her. "Hange's telling the brats... that means Historia is the heir to the throne and the current king is a fake."
Taking a moment to examine her gaze, he furrowed his brow.
"You knew?"
"I wasn't sure... to be honest, I don't know what to believe anymore."
"What do you mean? Did she say something to you?"
"That's just it... she didn't say what she should have, until it was too late. I..." she sighed. "I wish I had some way to take you there with me. Maybe you could get more out of her, than I do."
"...How would I do that?" he retorted, his confused frown drawing a bittersweet smile out of her.
"She's just another me, Levi. She... loves you just as much as I do."
"Do you think she lied to you?"
"No..." the redhead shook her head. "Everything she told me turned out to be true. I just wish she'd stop being so cryptic and... just say things before I miss my chance to change anything."
"You just keep trying... no matter when she tells you. That way you won't regret it."
More so than his words, it was the change in his eyes that gained her attention. It was oddly reminiscent of how he had looked at her by the campfire, so long ago that it seemed almost like a dream.
"But you do regret something..." she said, recalling how he had told her of his friends' deaths back then, wearing the same look on his face. "What happened?"
"I'm just wondering how I should apologize to Hange for getting half their squad killed." he sighed, this time leaning into her hand when she cupped his cheek. "I couldn't do anything to keep them alive... hell, I don't even know how our squad survived with how pathetically I handled that."
At first Natalie's mind blanked in the face of his confession. She had always tried to imagine that he too must have had moments of self doubt, moments when he believed he had made a wrong call. But it was so easy to forget that, when he always seemed perfectly in control of any situation. And while it shocked her to see him so vulnerable for once, at the same time she couldn't help the surge of emotion at the thought that he trusted her enough to let her see him like that.
"You handled that as well as anyone could... I doubt any other leader could have gotten these results. Hange knows that; I'm sure they don't regret leaving their men with you."
"I didn't... if I had, I would have ordered Nifa to move as soon as I started suspecting who was really behind the kidnapping. I just... didn't want to believe it was really him. And that cost Hange three of their men."
"Wasn't Reeves—?" she blinked, confused to hear there had actually been someone else pulling the strings in Trost.
"Reeves was just a puppet." Levi cut her off, reaching to grasp her hand and kiss her palm. "You... have you ever heard of Kenny the Ripper?"
"...Yes. When I was a kid my mother sometimes used him as a sort of boogeyman; saying that if I didn't listen to her and Father, he'd come take me away. Of course, I didn't really believe her but then one day I saw his name in the newspaper my father was reading. And I realized he was real; that he wasn't just some story my mother had made up to scare me. Every night after that, I'd lie in bed with this fear that he would one day show up at my window and snatch me away. It's why I got the habit of sleeping with my curtains closed. The only two nights I didn't close them since then... was when you were there with me. So, he's the one who was behind all this?"
"Yeah..." he replied, his arm tightening just a bit more around her waist to reassure her that he was there to keep her safe; that she didn't need to fear anything as long as he was around. "I've known him for a long while... after my mother died he raised me for a time, taught me all I know and then abandoned me."
"He can't be that bad then, can he?" she whispered, startling him.
"...What?"
"If he managed to raise a kind man like you... then he can't be all bad."
"Idiot..." he whispered fondly, with a trace of smile. "You're seeing the good in the wrong person; this is why people will take advantage of you. This isn't his doing. It was my mother who taught me to help others and to care about more than just myself. Kenny is as selfish and ruthless as they come. That's why... if we run into him, I don't want you to fight him. He's far stronger than any of those shitheads we fought in Trost. If you see him and I'm not around... you just run. Promise me."
In the face of her skeptical glance, he reached up to cup her face and frowned.
"Promise me, Natalie!" he ordered. "Promise me you won't waste time trying to talk to him, like you did with those brats. He'll catch on to how stupidly kind you are and use that against you. You just run!"
More than his words, it was the unsettling gleam of fear she could see nestled deep in his stare that compelled her to nod. Maybe he was right... maybe Kenny really was the worst scum and she had been right to fear him all her life.
"Alright... I promise." she nodded, more out of a desire to not see him making that face anymore.
~ oOo ~
"It's Moblit..." Natalie whispered upon seeing the young man stepping out of the house.
With a slight jerk of his shoulders, Levi opened his eyes and reluctantly leaned away from her arms. He had very nearly dozed off right there on his feet, with how comfortable a pillow she was and how she could make him relax just by stroking his hair.
"Captain Levi..." Moblit called out somewhat hesitant to disturb them. "Hange-san wants to speak to you and Natalie."
Surprised to hear that Hange had called for her as well, the redhead leapt off the wall and followed the two back inside to find the Section Commander with the rest of their team.
"Oh, you're here." they greeted with a somewhat terse smile. "Sorry to interrupt your rest, Levi..."
Settling for only a long stare in response, the young Captain crossed his arms waiting for Hange to speak. He had a guess what they wanted to say to everyone, given the information they had given him earlier, and couldn't help the brief look he shot towards the redhead standing a couple steps away. She probably wouldn't take it well, unless she already knew about it and had kept it to herself.
"Well... Eren recalled a conversation between Ymir and Bertholdt. He wrote it down and gave it to me before we left the forest cabin." Hange began, they too casting a side-eye glance to Natalie.
Upon reading the paper Eren had given to them, the researcher then spoke again.
"Speculating on that, Ymir was a Titan that roamed alone outside the Walls. Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie had a comrade that she ate. Now, when a Titan eats someone they don't turn back into a human. However, what if a Titan ate one of Reiner's comrades; a human who could transform into a Titan? That's how a Titan would revert back into a human... what's more they would also gain the power of the one they eat. In our last battle, Reiner was throwing Titans at Eren – Eren, who has the power to control Titans with his scream. What if he was trying to steal that power with those Titans? In that case, Eren is just a vessel who is bound to be replaced. If the government has a Titan of their own, they'll be the one to eat Eren. I'm sure that's why they wanted Natalie as well... they want her power, too."
"One shifter can hold more than one power..." Armin muttered, recalling what the redhead herself had told them. "So they would only need one Titan to eat both of them, right Na—?"
His soft gasp drew everyone's eyes to the redhead, whose utterly horrified expression unsettled even Levi. So then she had told the truth when she had claimed she didn't know how the power was passed from one shifter to another.
"Natalie..." Hange called out in concern, when the girl's breathing turned to panting as if she had run countless miles in the span of a few seconds.
"Hey..." Levi too called out, reaching for her shoulder.
His touch caused her to jerk back like it had burned her, leaving him to fully face the pure terror in her eyes. He had just opened his mouth to try and talk her out of that state, when she backed away before eventually vanishing out the door.
"We'll head for Reiss' lands." he ordered quickly, hoping she wouldn't do anything stupid until he got to her. "Everyone get ready to leave at once."
While the kids went to retrieve their gear, Hange offered to go speak to Erwin and get him up to date on the situation.
"Man, I didn't think she would react this badly." the Section Commander sighed as they followed Levi towards the door. "Take care of her... alright?"
"I don't need you to tell me that, four-eyes."
Smiling at his retort, Hange patted his shoulder before heading off to get their horse along with Moblit. Having stepped outside as well, Levi glanced around until he at last spotted the redhead next to a nearby tree. On her knees, she was hunched over clutching her chest, unable to calm down her breathing.
'I ate someone... I'm a monster... I really ate someone... I ate another human...' she heaved, those thoughts circling around in her mind over and over.
She was on the verge of vomiting and her chest hurt, making it difficult for her to draw air into her lungs. But then she felt a pair of arms around her, and heard Levi's voice as he pulled her tightly against him.
"Hey... it's alright. I'm here. Natalie... I'm here."
It took a few minutes of rubbing her back as he repeatedly reassured her that he was there with her, until she at last started to calm down and he felt her body relaxing in his arms. With her breathing starting to settle back into a normal pace, he moved a hand up to brush the bangs out of her face and pressed a tender kiss to her forehead.
"It's alright..." he said again, wiping away the tears that overflowed from her eyes. "You didn't know..."
"I was right all along..." she sobbed, too tired to put up any resistance. "I am a monster... like I told you—"
Unwilling to listen to any more of that, the young Captain pressed his lips to hers and pulled her closer. Had he known he would have to watch her breaking down like that, he would have rather... but no, keeping the truth from her wasn't the answer.
"You're still you." he reminded her.
"...How can you still say that? After I—"
"That doesn't matter to me. Even if the whole world says you're a monster, to me you're still the woman I fell in love with. You're still the woman I want at my side. You're still just a tiny ball of emotions..."
His lips twitched towards a tender smile at the last statement and he once again wiped the tears off her cheeks.
"You're still Natalie... brave, selfless, stupidly kind Natalie."
~ oOo ~
"Here... it's hot, it'll make you feel better." Conny said, offering the redhead a bowl of stew. "Natalie...?"
Startled out of her thoughts, the young woman accepted the food with as much of a smile as she could muster.
"Thank you, Conny."
And yet, rather than eating she again fell into her own mind, staring into the bowl she was holding. It wasn't that she was not hungry... but for some reason her stomach squeezed at the mere thought of food, forcing her to gulp down the bile she felt rising in her throat. As her mind turned the boiled vegetables into chunks of human flesh and a wave of nausea washed over her, she had to close her eyes and again fight the urge to throw up.
"Sasha..." she called out, holding out the bowl and covering her mouth with the other hand. "You can have it..."
"...Are you sure?" the girl inquired, exchanging a worried look with Conny as she retrieved the bowl. "You have to eat something."
"I'm fine... I'm just not hungry right now."
She was aware of Levi's half-concerned half-displeased stare as he sat at her side, and she was grateful that rather than scold her he settled only for reaching over to tousle her hair.
"Is this... because of what Hange-san said last night?" Sasha asked in the lengthy silence, receiving her answer from the way Levi looked at her. "But you can't let that get to you like this, Natalie! So what if that's how the power is passed between people? It's not like you wanted to do it... you can't stop eating forever because of that."
"Here... maybe this'll be easier to swallow." Levi at last spoke up, retrieving a cracker from his backpack and handing it to her. "I'm sorry; I should've known better."
He shouldn't have let her be there when Hange had said that. He knew firsthand just how sensitive she was – why the hell had he thought something like that wouldn't affect her to such an extent?
"Try to take at least a couple bites." Conny encouraged her. "You need your strength to fight; what will we do if they get their hands on you, too?"
"Captain, we brought the supplies!"
Jean's voice drew their attention to the trio approaching them, Armin making a beeline for Levi to hand him a piece of paper.
"The Military Police was handing these out in town." he said.
While Natalie curiously leaned over to glance at the article, barely holding back a chuckle at the poorly done sketch of Levi's face, Mikasa and Jean set down the supply bags and joined them.
"If this is true, the Scouts will be disbanded." Armin informed them. "I heard they'll be hunting for us tonight. They're also putting guards on all vital roads; no one will be allowed to pass without a special permit. Captain, what do we do now?"
"If we don't hurry, Eren will—" Mikasa interjected.
"Calm down." Levi cut her off. "They're using a wagon to travel; it'll take them at least another day to reach Reiss' territory. We'll use that time to come up with a plan."
At that he once more glanced over to the redhead and the untouched ration in her hand.
"...Are you alright?" Armin asked, his attention drawn to her by Levi's gesture.
"Yeah. I'll manage somehow."
"She can't eat." Levi replied, making her sigh.
"Eh? Is it... because of what Hange-san said?" the boy blinked.
"Yes."
"I'm trying, aren't I?" Natalie pouted.
"Eat."
The gentle voice whispering in her ear as she stared again at the ration, trying to will herself to eat, startled her such that she fell against Levi.
"What is it?" he inquired, following her gaze to her right side but seeing nothing there. "Did your twin come to haunt you?"
"...No." she replied, sounding confused. "It wasn't her voice... I never heard this one before. It... sounded like a man..."
"Could it be another shifter?" Armin gasped, his eyes widening as the thought crossed his mind. "You said you can communicate with everyone who had your power, right?"
"But... he's never tried to talk to me before..." Natalie pondered, sounding concerned.
"What did he say?" Mikasa asked.
"He... told me to eat..." she replied, flushing in embarrassment.
"If even the ghosts are worried about you, then you really should eat." Jean interjected. "Screw what Hange-san said last night... so what if you had to eat someone to get this power? I don't give a shit about that; at least you're on the side of humanity. You remember what you said to me when we first met? You told me that if I wanted to help humanity, I shouldn't die for them but live for them. And you promised you'd keep living; that you'd keep fighting... how are you going to do that if you starve yourself to death?"
His words left Natalie staring at him as though she had only then remembered not only what he was talking about, but also what she had promised to Levi. And when her eyes inevitably trailed over to the young Captain, his knowing gaze told her that he shared her thoughts. In the end a smile tugged at her lips and she leveled a grateful look at Jean.
"To think I'd end up getting scolded by you... scaredy-cat." she retorted, at last unwrapping the cracker and forcing herself to take a bite of it.
She had to wonder if her 'twin' could see all of that; if she regretted her choice to leave the island before; if she felt just as grateful for all of those amazing people around her. For all of their love, all of their unconditional support, all of their care and kindness – even after learning such horrible things about her. Again she smiled at the thought, before a tear dripping onto the ration in her hand startled her.
"...What is it? Why are you crying?" she heard Mikasa asking, the brunette's soft tone only drawing more tears from her.
"I'm just... so happy... that I decided to stay..." she sniffled, trying to wipe away the tears with her sleeve.
While the kids exchanged puzzled glances at her words, Levi instead reached over to weigh a gentle hand on her head. Though his expression didn't show it, he too was glad that she had decided to put her trust in them. Truth be told, she had become such an integral part of his daily life that he could no longer imagine what it would be like without her there.