AUTHOR'S NOTE: This flashback was totally inspired by a scene in the Outlander books. So hopefully it does not weird you guys out. I totally believe Thomas has some mommy issues...within this story at least so in a weird way I hope it isn't an OOC thing.

1912

Evelyn wakes up with a wince as she feels the tightness in her breasts. Looking down she spots two very familiar wet spots that have become additions to her wardrobe.

She knew motherhood wasn't going to be easy. However, she thinks the hardest adjustment has been her body. Her body feels foreign to her now. She feels like she doesn't own it anymore.

She sits up being mindful of Thomas asleep behind her. She smiles as he is more attentive than she thought he would be. He never hesitates to change nappies or put Jamie to sleep. He isn't ashamed to be seen holding his son either as he conducts business around town. He is a wonderful attentive father. Thomas almost reminds her of her late father.

She knows she only has a few minutes before Jamie himself will be awake wanting his midnight snack.

As soon as she sits up, on cue, her baby boy begins to whimper. She picks him up quickly and with his eyes closed, he is already rooting for her breast.

He latches on quickly and she sighs at the release of pressure. She sits in the rocking chair that Thomas got for the room while Jamie is still with them. It's the most treasured item in the house.

She looks down at Jamie as he sucks eagerly. His eyes are still closed hiding those bright blue eyes that he got from his father. According to Thomas and everyone else, Jamie was turning into her spitting image.

Jamie is an easy baby though. Rarely fussy. He enjoys just watching and observing the world around him. Polly has mentioned a time or two that they are spoiling him as he is constantly held.

She smiles at her baby. Nothing in the world would ever make her regret her baby boy. Nothing. She knows her son is the greatest thing that has ever happened to her.

His sucking slows and soon he detaches. It is almost instant a burp erupts from his lips that makes him squirm.

She moves him to the other breast, but the boy is fast asleep. She tries to wake him gently, but he is lost in dreamland. The scent of her milk does nothing to rouse him.

She sighs as her breast is painfully engorged.

"Everything alright?" Thomas asks, voice thick with sleep.

She stands up to place Jamie in his cradle. "Everything's okay. You can go back to sleep."

She looks for the extra cup they keep in the room and she goes back to the rocking chair.

"What are you doing?" Thomas sounds fully awake now. She hears him move up from the bed.

"I need to get rid of the milk."

Thomas stands in front of her now and grabs the cup and places it on the small table next to the chair. His eyes are on the one exposed breasts from her untied chemise.

She watches curiously as he brings his hand up and cups her breasts. She shivers from his warm hand.

"Tommy…"

Her voice trails off as he bends down and latches on the nipple. She is startled by this action, but she releases a pain mixed with ecstasy at the feeling of the milk being released.

He kneels completely and settles between her legs. She presses him closer as he sucks softly.

It is a different feeling from their son's demanding grasp with his toothless gums.

"Harder," she whispers and he complies.

Thomas's sucking is gentle as his nose is pressed against her chest. He continues as the flow ebbs and eventually stops.

He pulls back not before placing a gentle kiss on her breast. Evelyn smiles before she brings him into a gentle kiss tasting her own milk. She pulls back slightly and rubs her nose along his.

"What was that for?" She asks him.

Thomas sighs. He moves and sits on the edge of the bed. He runs a hand through his hair. She can tell he is itching for a cigarette, but she had banned smoking in the room with Jamie. "You do so much. I just want to help. I want to give you the help she never got from my father."

Evelyn frowns. She didn't expect Thomas to carry much thought around about his father. The antecedents he ever gave her were that it was better he wasn't around. Arthur spoke more freely about their dad. Yet, she suspected that he felt that the abuse felt like the love from their dad. The abuse showed he paid attention to him. John tolerated the stories, but she could tell Thomas hated it when Arthur spoke of him.

She wonders if it's because of his deep relationship with their mother. She knows Thomas loved his mother deeply. He has to be tortured by the fact she ended her life on her terms. His love couldn't - wasn't - enough for her to keep going.

"I don't want to be like him, Evie."

Evie gets up from the chair. She moves in between his legs. Her hands cup the sides of his face. "You're not. For one, you're here with me and Jamie."

She could never imagine Thomas being like his father. Yet, maybe that is the downfall of most women that were put in Alice Shelby's position. They were naive and blind to the men they loved.

Thomas grips her hips tightly as he looks up at her, "No matter what happens, I'll always take care of you and Jamie." He promises. "If I ever lay a hand on you, you ever become scared for yours and Jamie's safety. You leave. You understand."

"Thomas-"

"Promise me," he orders.

"I promise," she tells him as she rubs his ears. "I don't like this type of talk, Thomas."

The tension in his shoulders eases. His arms wrap around her and he rests his head against her belly. "I can't handle the thought of seeing you in pain, especially because of me."

1919

Evelyn is startled awake by another one of Thomas's nightmares. She has noticed they are becoming more frequent and she hates to say it more violent.

It's no longer strangled grasps and him being soaked in sweat she wakes up to. He has started jerking and his arms lash out. She hasn't told him about some nights he does manage to catch her or he will lash and grip her arms painfully.

He sucks in a breath as he sits up. He takes a few deep breathes before he fumbles and searches over in the nightstand for his most favored possession.

He's looking for the Opium that they never talk about. It's something she can ignore as he doesn't use it every night. It doesn't make him violent and he doesn't smoke it in the house.

Yet, she knows he is going to either go outside or head to Charlie's and get high. They won't talk about this at all. Any acknowledgment is going to come from him getting home before the house is up and wanting a quick fuck. It's almost like he uses her to come down from his high.

He has the long pipe and is moving to get up and get his coat.

"Are we ever going to talk about it?" She asks him. Her back is towards him tonight. He exhales a harsh breath.

"Talk about what?"

"The war -"

"What the fuck would you know about war, eh? You women think talking about it will fucking help," he snaps before the door to their bedroom slams.

Evelyn wipes away her tears. She refuses to cry.

Thomas is home for breakfast when she gets the boys up.

She spends her morning doing her regular routine. She feeds the boys and fingers out how to keep them occupied for the day. It seems they are intent on playing outside. There is only a month left until summer vacation is over.

She knows she is going to need to start making the school shopping list. Buy the kids new clothes.

Ada is in the front room looking through her magazine.

"Hey, Ada, can you keep an eye on the boys for a bit?"

"Sure thing, sis."

Evelyn makes her way through Small Heath. She finds herself at the Owens household. It's after she knocks on the door she realizes she should have brought something.

The door is opened by Rosie Owen. Rosie is a tall, beautiful woman with blonde hair that falls in short waves. She has piercing blue eyes framed by long eyelashes. Evelyn thinks Rosie always looked regal despite their living in Small Heath.

Rosie frowns. "Is Danny having an episode again?"

"I wanted to talk in private."

Rosie opens the door wider to let her in. When they were younger, Rosie gave her a wide berth. The two shared no interest. And no one wanted to be friends with a gypsy. Rosie's family was of Eastern European decent and they owned the local printing press shop.

Henry was good friends with Rosie's father, Paul. So Rosie was used to a comfortable lifestyle. She's still unsure of how Rosie fell in love with Danny, a local factory worker. She thought Rosie would have married the shoemaker's son.

"Do you want some tea?"

"No, that's alright."

Rosie directs her into their sitting room. "Is everything okay?"

"Does Danny talk about the war?"

Rosie opens her pack of cigarettes and lights one. Out of all the habits, smoking was something Evelyn couldn't get into.

"He talks around it. Only tells me it was awful - horrible. That's about it. Doesn't offer details."

"You don't think talking would help with the episodes?" Evelyn inquires.

"What would I be able to do? We wouldn't be able to understand."

"But they are our husbands." If anything, Evelyn feels it's in her duty to at least try and soothe her husband's mind. She just wants to help her husband.

Rosie takes a long drag of her cigarette. "I heard your husband came back possessed by the Devil."

Evelyn stiffens. "People can believe what they want."

"Why are you even here, Evie? You should be more grateful for the devil on your doorstep than the broken man that returned to me. My boys lost their father. Your son still has his."

"And what of me husband?"

"You need to come to terms that our husbands died in that godforsaken war."

Evelyn doesn't linger in the Owen's household.

She makes her way back to Watery Lane and makes a detour to John's house. She knows Polly makes sure the house is tidy and stocked with necessities. Yet, she thinks it wouldn't hurt to make sure everything was still okay. The kids were in the streets more than the house.

She is unsurprised to find his front door unlocked. She closes the door with a loud thud.

"Hello?"

Evelyn jumps at the feminine voice and she hears the approach of heels clicking against the floor.

Soon Lizzie Stark appears in the hallway.

Evelyn didn't know John was seeing anyone let alone Lizzie Stark. Evelyn tries her best not to judge people on their profession. People had to do what they needed to survive. Yet, she didn't expect to find a working girl in John's house around the kids.

"Oh, Mrs. Shelby…"

"It's Evie," she corrects softly. Evelyn is also aware that Thomas had been a former client of Lizzie Stark before their marriage. She wonders if John was aware of that fact. Evelyn had found out by accident. She and Thomas were out and Lizzie kept staring. It didn't take very long to connect the dots.

Lizzie nods demurely.

"Pick your head up unless you have something in your eyes you don't want me to see, yeah?"

Lizzie's head snaps up and she looks her in the eyes.

"How long have you been helping John?" Evelyn inquires as she does an inspection of the downstairs. The house is clean and as she heads into the kitchen. There is a basket of groceries waiting to be put away. She assumes Lizzie was the one to purchase them.

"Only a few weeks."

"He paying you?"

"We're not...I enjoy his company, I don't need him to pay me for it," Lizzie tells her, her neck turning red.

"There are better ways to improve your station than marrying a Shelby."

"Funny isn't that what you did?"

Evelyn smirks. "No, sweetheart, I didn't. Henry has more investments than Thomas did at the time." If she were honest, Henry's legitimate income was more stable than what she married into.

Lizzie snorts. "So you married for love, eh? Funny considering Thomas was in my bed the week before your precious Jamie was conceived."

"You think you would mind your tongue considering I could help you stay on your feet and off your back."

"Or what you'll curse me?" Lizzie bites.

Evelyn could laugh as Lizzie is all bark, but she can't look her in the eyes. "You know, you shouldn't be ashamed of it. There is real power in being able to read men in that way - strangers in a few minutes, seconds."

Lizzie snorts as she lights a cigarette. "You'd be the first to think that."

Evelyn doesn't want to entertain any more conversation with Lizzie. Evelyn goes to leave, but she takes Lizzie by surprise as she grabs her by the throat and forces her to look at her.

Lizzie looks at her frightened. "Please don't."

"You should mind your tongue next time," Evelyn threatens as she releases her hold. "I'll be sending the kids home for dinner soon. I'm assuming John knows you're here."

Lizzie nods her head, but Evelyn doesn't see it as she makes her way to the front door.

Ada knows she has it better than most families. As the only female sibling, she knows her brothers look the other way for a lot of things she has done.

Some would even call her spoiled. She doesn't like to say she has a favorite brother. She loves all her brothers equally and fiercely.

However, deep down, Thomas is her favorite brother. Thomas is the father figure in her life.

He was the one that played with dolls with her and took her dress shopping. He would attempt to do her hair for school and any outings. She looked forward to their walks to and from school.

Her mother wasn't present. As she got older, she could see how the world of Small Heath could break someone. The stories she heard about her father, she's surprised Finn got a year with their mom. Tommy seemed to have shielded her from the worst of it.

Her brothers are busy men and she treasures the moments Tommy carves out for them.

It pains her to admit she was devastated when Tommy had informed them of his upcoming wedding and the birth of his son.

It meant she had to share Tommy after him always being hers alone.

She felt even more awful when Evelyn had been nothing but warm towards her. Evelyn became a true sister.

She got a beautiful mischievous nephew that reminded her of her brother before the war.

With the men coming home from war, it had pained her to see the changes in all her brothers, but Tommy really.

Ada can't imagine what the war is like. She hopes to God there is never another one. She has watched as Arthur drinks until he forgets his name, John using humor deflect, and Tommy creating distance between him and Evelyn.

She knows her brother and knows he is a man that needs a woman at his side. It's like he is deliberating self-sabotaging his own marriage.

Tommy never does something without reason. He is coldly calculated with what he says and doesn't do. She just can't make sense of it why he is doing this to Evelyn.

She had heard him leave in the morning. She hears a lot of things in the house. For the sake of Evelyn's privacy and dignity, she doesn't make note of it. She knows Evelyn can handle her brother, but she hopes Evelyn doesn't feel she is on an island of her own.

She had taken the boys, Jamie and Finn, to the pictures. The boys were much like brothers than uncle and nephew.

It is weird seeing the youth of the family. The youth of Tommy and Evelyn in Jamie.

They were still excited from their short trip that she knew Evelyn would be slightly peeved in having to settle down the rambunctious boys.

However, as she enters the house and goes to the kitchen, expecting to see Evelyn preparing dinner, Tommy sits at the table instead.

She is startled to see him. He doesn't show it, but she knows he expected Evelyn from the way he glances past her.

"Is everything alright, Tommy?" She asks.

"You tell me, Ada?"

"You weren't here for breakfast. Jamie was upset."

Tommy lights a cigarette and points in the direction of Jamie's loud laughter. "Doesn't sound upset to me."

Ada rolls her eyes. She isn't going to bullshit her brother. "He is going to get use to it - your absence."

"And what would you know about that, Ada?" Tommy responds blandly.

"You're cold, Tommy."

She can tell her bluntness takes her brother by surprise.

"And was I supposed to come back a ray of fucking sunshine?"

"How much longer are you going to blame the war, Tom?"

"Don't speak of things you'll never know."

Ada rolls her eyes. "You know, I hear things, around town. Duncan Hayes can't hide his crush on Evie." Thomas doesn't say anything, but his jaw clenches. "How much longer do you expect Evelyn to sleep in a cold bed?"

Ada almost feels bad for saying that to Tommy. For egging the whispers around town to him. She knows Evelyn would never step out on her brother. Her sister would never entertain the thought. Despite how much the town fears Evelyn, her words, and her husband, she knows they still wanted a night with her. They wanted her grey eyes solely looking at them.

Freddie had been the one to tell her how Duncan Hayes drunkenly expresses his want of Evelyn. Duncan thinks he has a real chance with Evelyn. The man has got it into his head that Evelyn's visit to the store with Jamie means more than just spending time with her son. Freddie said he even warned the man himself his words would have him losing his tongue. It wasn't wise to look or speak about a Thomas Shelby the wrong way.

Ada just couldn't shake the feeling in her gut. Something is going to happen. It's going to blow up in Tommy's face.

She tunes out Freddie as he speaks about his cause - his revolution. She should have stayed home. She should have tried to make Tommy see reason and just for him to talk.

All she can think about is the brother she knew died in the war. This Tommy that returned, she doesn't recognize him.

Evelyn wakes up startled when she feels the whole bed jerk. She blinks sleepily as she turns. She finds Thomas sleeping on his back muttering to himself.

She can see the sweat on his forehead and drenching his shirt.

His face is pinched with pain.

She shakes his shoulder, "Thomas."

He makes a pained moan but didn't wake. She frowns as she leans over to turn the oil lamp on. She knows she is going to have to wake him up and get him out of his sweat-soaked clothes.

When she leans back, his eyes are open and looking at her. "Thomas?"

Evelyn barely has time to scream before she feels his hands on her throat.