Kind of a lazy week, I'm still struggling with this battle scene that ended up spanning two entire chapters. Fortunately I can pester my friend to help with brainstorming, so I should be back on track these days. I feel like I've spent an eternity on this battle scene, I can't even remember the last time I wrote something that wasn't fighting. So fingers crossed that I can get through this and get to the rest of the story :D
As always my lovelies, go ahead and enjoy this chapter and don't forget to toss me a little review, to let me know what you think~ ;)
P.S. All Attack on Titan characters belongs to Isayama Hajime. I only own my OCs.
30. Just her
~ 850 ~
"Commander! Commander Erwin!" Armin's voice resounded from the hallway that morning, between frantic knocks on the man's office door.
"Come in!" the man called out, having just walked over to the hanger to get his coat.
"Commander!" Armin said hastily, entering and closing the door behind him. "I... um, is this a... bad time?"
"Didn't Levi tell you? The meeting with Queen Historia and Premier Zackley is in half an hour at the Trost HQ. Can this wait until after the meeting?"
"It's about the meeting, sir! Please... whatever you do, don't mention the 13-year lifespan to anyone."
"Did you find something out?" Erwin narrowed his eyes in thought.
"I—"
"Commander Erwin!" another Scout called out, opening the door and poking his head in. "The carriage is waiting for you."
"We'll talk later, Arlert." Erwin concluded. "Go join your squad, so you won't run late for the meeting."
"Please, Commander... just trust me on this." the boy insisted, following him into the hallway. "Please!"
Silently regarding him for a moment longer whilst he put the coat on, Erwin then turned to head out into the front yard. On the short way to the HQ building where the meeting was to take place, he mulled over Armin's words and could only conclude that he had talked to Natalie or Eren and learned something more regarding their situation.
'Very well... you've proven your intellect time and again, Arlert.'
Upon entering the large hall where everyone in the military leadership had gathered, he eyed Levi speaking to Natalie and then Eren seated at the table behind them with Armin and Mikasa, before he was accosted by Nile.
"So you finally did it, huh?" the man taunted him with a trace of a smile, as they shook hands. "You became humanity's hero."
"What are you saying, Nile? The real heroes are over there." he replied, gesturing to the others. "Without them, we would have all died on this expedition."
"Passing the torch already?" Nile chuckled, following his friend's gaze. "Well, at least the Survey Corps is seen with better eyes now."
"Only by the lower class, you know that. The nobility doesn't care about us either way; all they want is to keep their estates and their businesses safe."
His reply came to a rather abrupt halt when Nile smacked him across the back.
"Come on, don't be so stiff all the time. Enjoy something for once in your life, will you? You were right... you proved us all wrong, and you got to see your dream fulfilled. What more will it take to make you happy? This is your moment, Erwin... you earned it; you deserve it."
While he appreciated Nile's attempt to cheer him up, the fair-haired Commander was far from happy. There were still far too many dangers out in the world; far too many enemies they had to prepare for. No... the battle at Shiganshina might have been won, but the war was far from over. Before he could say anything more, however, one of the soldiers announced the arrival of the Queen and everyone moved to their designated seats. With Historia making her way to the head table and nodding for them to sit, a deep silence coated the room before Zackley finally spoke up, gesturing to the three books that had been placed in front of the young woman along with the now framed photo of Grisha and his first family.
"These books have been recovered through the efforts of everyone in the Survey Corps – those who have returned and those who have not. 'The Early Life of Grisha Jaeger', 'The Extent of Our Knowledge of Titans and Their History', 'Information About the World Beyond the Walls'. Today, and in the Queen's presence, I would like to assess our situation and establish an agreement in terms of our course of action. Survey Corps Commander, Erwin Smith."
Standing when the Premier addressed him, Erwin spoke up to deliver the report he had prepared since the previous evening.
"The Scouts have lost approximately 25% of their members on this expedition and yet that number is incomparably low with the previous outside missions. We only have Natalie Dietrich and Eren Jaeger to thank for it. Without them, the casualties would have been much higher and the mission would have surely failed. However, in exchange for the brave men we lost, we have retaken Wall Maria and stolen the Colossal Titan's power. Yet humanity within the Walls is not in any less of a precarious situation. It seems Titans were never our true enemy... the ones who wish for our people to perish are out there, far beyond our Walls. What we have learned so far is that we are a special race, known as the Subjects of Ymir, who can turn into Titans. There is also a widespread belief in the rest of the world, that we might one day rule them all again. That is why they wish to eradicate everyone who lives here, down to the last child. The nation leading this constant attempt is an empire called Marley. They are the ones oppressing our people – both here and the ones who live within their territories."
While he paused in his speech, Natalie could already hear the murmurs starting to break the heavy silence before they were quieted by Erwin's voice.
"The reason Grisha Jaeger came here was one of great importance. As we have learned from his books, we Subjects of Ymir used to have our own nation long ago – Eldia. It is unclear why, but one century ago the King of that time chose to abandon a majority of our people and retreat to this island with the ones who followed him. He erected our three Walls around a yet unknown number of Colossal Titans, leaving only a warning to the outside world. The warning was that, should anyone try to attack us, he would release all of the Colossals within the Walls in a great Rumbling which would trample the entire world into dust. However, despite the Colossal Titans within the Walls being real, we have no way of knowing whether his warning was true or a bluff meant simply to deter aggressive actions against the people living here."
"Oh? And why is that?" Zackley intervened.
"There was something else mentioned in Grisha Jaeger's books... it referred to a pact that the First King made with the Founding Titan; a vow to renounce war forever. A vow that would later force every member of the royal family, who received the Founding Titan's power, to accept any fate which would befall the people of the Walls. He believed that was what we deserved, even if it led to our extinction. Thus, even though it is believed that the Founding Titan requires a host of royal blood to activate its full power his vow has bound every royal descendant since, to inaction. Grisha Jaeger was part of a resistance group that rejected the fate that the First King imposed on us. They believed that, by retaking the Founding Titan from the royal family, our people would know true freedom. That if they could not undo the First King's brainwashing, then perhaps a host without royal blood could in time learn how to unlock the Founder's full potential. He later accomplished his mission and stole the Founding Titan from the royal family, passing the power on to his son, Eren, believing that he could learn how to control it."
"And can he control it?"
"It seems Grisha Jaeger may have been onto something, though we have only discovered that through a grim coincidence. It first happened during Eren's abduction by the Armored and Colossal Titans, when he was able to control regular Titans for a few moments to escape a life-threatening situation. Then there was the incident in the underground caverns, with Queen Historia and Lord Reiss, which you are aware of from Captain Levi's report. Based on these facts we have concluded there may indeed exist a loophole that we can make use of, to render the First King's vow effectively irrelevant. This is backed up not only by Eren's personal experiences during those encounters, but also by a successful experiment performed before the expedition to retake Wall Maria. I will, however, allow the one who originally conceived the idea and also participated in said experiment to explain further."
Upon catching a glimpse of his body moving at the corner of her vision, Natalie turned to look up at him and for a moment stared him down in stunned silence, when she found his gaze upon her. All at once, her heartbeat spiked into the back of her head; not only was he asking her to be the center of attention again, she wasn't at all prepared to speak about it. She hadn't had the time or the chance to think it through and decide what information was pertinent and what she should have kept secret.
"Very well..." Zackley replied while Erwin sat back down, his piercing stare never leaving her even when the redhead turned to look at the older man.
"What are you doing?" Levi whispered, drawing the Commander's attention.
"Giving her a chance to decide how much they need to know, beyond what's in the books."
Ignoring the Captain's confused frown, he turned his eyes back to Natalie when the young woman at last stood, her gaze fixed on Historia who watched her with a mixture of curiosity and sympathy before subtly nodding.
"Then, go ahead our Titan." Zackley addressed the redhead, earning a complex stare from her.
'Is that all we are to you, now? We're not even human enough to be mentioned by name anymore?' she mused not without a trace of bitterness, at seeing how she and Eren were truly regarded by other people.
Still, she swallowed her first words and reminded herself that they weren't there to discuss semantics. Taking a moment to arrange her thoughts she at last spoke up – unable to fully withhold the subtle disgust underlining her tone as she addressed the Premier.
"As you are aware by now, after reading Dr. Jaeger's books... there are nine Titan Powers, that people like Eren and I host within ourselves. And that, unlike regular Titans, each one of these comes with abilities of its own. Where the Warhammer Titan that Eren possesses can harden its skin much better and in more complex ways than any other shifter, mine is different. The Attack Titan that I hold can receive and see the memories of both past and future holders of this same power. It may sound grand or even insane when I say it like this..." she replied to the murmurs once again rising from the others present there. "But it is rarely convenient or even practical; it isn't something I can normally control or do willingly. Nor do I have any say in which host I connect with, which memories I see or how detailed said memories are."
Again she paused at that and her eyes instinctively went to Historia, who at last seemed to realize they were about to hear something as important as it was dangerous.
"After the incidents involving Eren's abduction by Reiner and Bertholdt, then by Lord Reiss... after learning that he had utilized the Founder's power, in human form, and that he had received memories he never had had access to before, I... " she said, for the third time pausing and wondering if it was the wisest move to reveal what she had concluded after analyzing those events. 'Damn it, Erwin... we should've talked about this, first.'
"Go on." Zackley goaded her.
For the longest time, she stared him down with the most complicated gaze, as if trying to discern something in him. From where he was seated Levi could perfectly see her throat moving as she swallowed, could see her chest moving faster as her heart rate increased – clearly this was something she didn't think they should be privy to, and she was trying to force herself to say it.
"Erwin—" he whispered, about to ask the Commander to intervene and somehow divert the conversation.
But then the redhead closed her eyes and in the subtle way she lowered her head, he recognized that she had resigned herself to whatever outcome her words would bring. And for some reason that frightened him more than anything else.
"After analyzing both of those incidents, my conclusions were that in both cases Eren had been in contact with someone of royal blood. According to his own report of the memories that his father has passed to him along with his power, the Titan he touched during our struggle against Reiner and Bertholdt may... may have once been a member of the royal family from the mainland. Then in the caverns, he was able to access part of the Founding Titan's memories through contact with Queen Historia and her father."
"Then..." one of the Military Police spoke up among the murmurs that once again filled the hall. "Wouldn't it be better if the Queen possessed that power? What if we could undo the brainwashing somehow?"
"You want to turn the Queen into a Titan? Are you crazy?" one of the Garrison Captains retorted. "And what do we do if we can't undo that brainwashing?"
"Then... couldn't Jaeger just use her as a conduit?" another of the Interior soldiers chimed in. "Clearly when he touched that Titan, he controlled more of the Founder's power."
"That still means we'd have to turn Queen Historia into a Titan!" yet another Garrison member interjected. "There's no way we can do that!"
Amidst the voices rising on both sides, Natalie raised her eyes back to Historia and the look of pure terror on the girl's face had her clench her jaw. For what seemed like the longest time she stood there, listening to the two sides bickering; and then just when Erwin was about to at last intervene and try to settle the discussion, she slammed her hands on the table silencing everyone.
"I wasn't done talking!" she stated, looking to Zackley who had until then not moved a muscle.
Straightening her posture once the Premier nodded his permission, she took a deep breath; she would be damned if she allowed them to harm one hair off Historia's head.
"Based on the facts I have exposed so far I, therefore, concluded that there was a way of unlocking the Founder's powers even with Eren having no royal blood. I also concluded that Queen Historia's royal blood might serve to potentially unlock and maybe even enhance the abilities of other shifters, like me. Thus, with her permission, I conducted the experiment Commander Erwin mentioned earlier. And it was a resounding success... it allowed me to connect with the future holder of my power and see her memories of the Shiganshina expedition. I was able to learn of the ambush that awaited us there and that we would be severely outnumbered, as well as the fact that we would have to fight in less than ideal conditions. In turn, that told me one thing... there is no need for a royal family member to hold the Founder power within themselves, nor is there any need for them to become a Titan at all. We can unlock the Founder's full powers with the Queen as a human... and we will."
Giving them a moment to let that information sink in, she spoke again just when murmurs had once more started filling the room.
"If I may be so bold as to offer my personal opinion... I believe the Founder is the least of our problems right now. What we should be focusing on, first and foremost, is clearing the territory within Wall Maria of Titans so that people can return to their homes at last. Then we should focus on trying to clear out any remaining Titans outside Wall Maria and secure the island. You're all so focused on the Founding Titan that you seem to have forgotten the whole world hates us and wishes for our extinction! No doubt word has already reached them that the shifters they sent to this island have failed in their mission. You seem to have forgotten that the nation who sent them here, wasn't after just the Founder; that they want the resources our land provides. There may come a day – sooner rather than later – when we might be faced with an army outside our Walls, as opposed to Titans."
"What did you say?" one of the Military Police scowled.
"Sit down, Walter." Nile warned the man, just when Zackley waved off the soldier's words almost dismissively.
"Well, I wouldn't exactly have worded it the way you did... however, I agree." the Premier replied exchanging a knowing look with Erwin. "We should first look to any defenses we can build once we have repopulated the territory within Wall Maria."
"And I believe we should publish those books." the redhead concluded before sitting down, clearly unwilling to say anything more or to acknowledge the numerous glares aimed her way.
"But..." one of the Military Police Captains spoke up again, sounding distressed. "If we announce all this to the public, the Walls will fall into chaos."
"That's right." the one sitting next to him concurred. "We still haven't fully grasped the magnitude of the situation."
"Then will we deceive the people again?" Pyxis at last intervened. "You wish to follow the lead of King Reiss and ensure the people stay ignorant and domesticated? If so, then by what rights did we rise to take the crown from King Reiss?"
"Let's publish it." Historia spoke up, for the first time during that meeting, knowing that the final decision was hers in virtue of her position. "After all, we're only returning the memories that King Reiss stole from the people a century ago. We all share the same fate, as people of the Walls; we must come together if we're going to survive."
=0=0=
"Commander!"
Hearing Armin calling out to him, Erwin halted along with Zackley and the other Commanders.
"Excuse me for a moment. I'll catch up."
Leaving the others to go on ahead, he gestured for the boy to approach.
"I said we would discuss the matter after the meeting, however, Premier Zackley wants all of the military Commanders to join him at the Mitras HQ to discuss our situation. I'll be away for a few days; we can address the issue when I return to Trost."
"But..." Armin gasped, silencing himself when he processed that it wasn't Erwin's call in the matter; thus he could only nod and offer the man a salute. "I understand. Have a safe trip."
He certainly was concerned about having to wait and letting both Eren and Natalie, as well as Erwin himself, keep living with the uncertainty of just how many years they had left. But there was no way around it... he certainly didn't want to give them false hopes if his theory turned out to not be true. He needed all three of them present, to be able to corroborate their knowledge and see if what he suspected had any base or not.
"Armin!" Mikasa called out from down the hallway. "Come on..."
After the meeting had officially been disbanded, Historia had invited their squad to tea. She had said it was because she missed spending time with her friends, but he suspected it might have just been because of the fright she had been through earlier. So he followed Mikasa and Eren to where the others waited, the young Queen leading them to one of the empty halls where a maid soon served them tea and pastries.
"Are you alright?"
Startled by the redhead's question, Historia looked up from her teacup to the faces of her friends gathered around the table.
"I think so..." she at last nodded. "It was just... kind of scary how quickly they jumped to the solution of making me a Titan. On that note thank you, Natalie. I know you didn't want to reveal so much..."
"I wasn't about to let them do anything to you." the woman replied, sipping her tea.
"It was still stupid to lash out at them like that." Levi scolded her. "Zackley will likely have Erwin discipline you for it."
"I don't care about that... I won't let them turn Historia into a Titan. I'll take any punishment Erwin sees fit to give me for it."
"Just because you're willing to take the punishment, doesn't give you the right to do things like that in the first place. Publishing those books will tear us apart anyway; we don't need more conflicts or dissensions amongst the military. And you can't afford to have some butthurt pig in the Military Police setting assassins on your ass, when we have bigger problems to worry about."
Silenced by his words, the redhead only lowered her eyes to the cup nestled between her palms.
"I know I should've worded it better, it's just... when I saw how easily they turned on Historia; how quickly they forgot that she's not just some object they can use as they please; how quickly they discarded the thought that she's a fellow human being..." she sighed. "Sometimes I wonder... if it's even worth all we're doing. If they even deserve any help, or if they really deserve whatever fate awaits them."
"You... since when have you been having these thoughts?"
More than the question itself, it was the tone in Levi's voice and the shocked look on his face as she glanced back at him – so reminiscent of how he had reacted upon first learning the true nature of Titans – that struck Natalie deeply. Of course, why had she expected that he wouldn't read deeper into her words? That he wouldn't notice it wasn't the first time such ideas had crossed her mind?
"Even if they don't deserve help..." Eren spoke up, drawing the redhead's attention to the fact that everyone else was staring at her with varying degrees of consternation in wake of her words. "We'll still give it to them; because we're better than that. Isn't that right?"
"Yeah..." she replied after a long, tense silence; not that her heart would let her say anything else, for their sake.
She had just turned her eyes back to her cup, contemplating whether it had been a good idea to reveal that line of thought to everyone, when Historia spoke up and her heartfelt – almost desperate – words struck Natalie like a physical blow.
"Please... don't give up on us. Forget them – the rest of our people need you and Eren. They're the ones we're all struggling for; they're the ones who deserve a better future; they're the ones who really matter in all of this."
At first, it looked like Natalie wouldn't reply, only staring at her tea with such a pained expression that everyone expected she would burst into tears at any moment.
"Yeah..." she at last said, barely louder than a whisper. "You're right..."
~ oOo ~
Four days had gone by and life seemed to have returned to normal for the most part. Only the heavy thuds echoing dully over the district from Hange's guillotine, as well as the constant conversations everywhere about the information they had published, served as a reminder to everyone that the Titan threat was still out there; that the operation to retake Wall Maria hadn't yet fully concluded. It was on that fourth day that Levi was to be found in the stables, late in the afternoon, in the process of saddling his mare when Natalie at last arrived.
"Get your horse... we're going out." he ordered before she could ask why he had summoned her there.
"Um... whe—?"
"Just do it; you'll see."
Confused to no end, the redhead walked by the pens stopping only long enough to pat his steed's muzzle and offer her half of the carrot she had brought for Ran.
"Good girl, Ada." she smiled when the mare carefully picked the treat from her hand, munching on it with a content whinny.
Turning back to Ran who already looked eager to go, as if he had understood Levi's words, she offered him the other half and went to retrieve his saddle and reins.
"Alright, carrot breath... let's go for a walk."
In truth, she was grateful that she wouldn't have to go through the hassle of asking permission to take Ran out and stretch his legs. Saddling the stallion, she led him out of the stables to follow Levi and by the time they had left the district, heading out into the wilderness of Wall Rose, the sun was already more than halfway on its descent. She had no idea where he was taking her; all he had been willing to say was that he wanted to show her a place he had found recently.
"Wait for me!" she called out, spurring Ran to catch up when he went off without warning.
"What is it? I'll leave you behind if you don't hurry." Levi retorted, casting a look over his shoulder.
"Geez, you tell me to come out here with you and then just take off." she pouted once she had lined up with his mare; something she would only dare to do when they were alone like that.
While their relationship was no secret, at the end of the day he was still her Captain and she respected his position just as much as she loved him.
"Well it's something you can only see at a certain point in the day, so we need to be there in time."
At his reply, she blinked in confusion, however the young Ackerman refused to say anything more no matter how she questioned him. Entering the nearby forest, he led her in deeper than usual until they eventually broke the tree line, emerging into a sea of grass sprinkled with sweet-smelling late summer flowers. Multicolored butterflies and various other insects fluttered amidst the rainbow of petals, and an endless choir of birdsong resounded from the forest surrounding them. A few feet further laid a huge lake reflecting the infinite sky above and the clouds, thin and scattered, which had turned red with the dying sun.
The sight was enough to steal her breath away for a moment, as she took in the beauty of the scenery with wide eyes. A gentle breeze caressed the entire clearing, making the grass and flowers dance, kissing her cheeks, and playing in her hair. Sometimes, with all the fighting and the secrets, she forgot just how beautiful the world they lived in was. And then it struck her; was that the place Levi had wanted to show her? The thought was enough to set her cheeks on fire just like the sunset before them. He so rarely made romantic gestures like that, that sometimes she almost forgot their relationship amounted to more than just work, training, and the occasional night spent together.
"Is this because Hange said I looked depressed these days?" she asked, making her best attempt at a chuckle that came out much more flustered than she had intended. "You didn't need to go out of your way, Levi... but thank you."
For his part, Levi had been watching her in silence rather than admiring the scenery, as the landscape was something he had seen before. However, the way she looked in that moment – so unabashedly innocent and amazed – was a sight he would treasure far more than any other. And he had to wonder; did she even know how beautiful she was like that? Did she suspect, even for a moment, what seeing her like that did to him? What she made him feel when she smiled at him; when she so much as looked at him, sometimes? Or how much he loved her, for her ability to still be so sincerely surprised by things that most people would not even give a second thought to?
"No, it's because I saw you looked depressed." he replied at last.
The way she could still get so flustered and bashful whenever he did something for her – even if he didn't consider it a big deal, even after so much time of being with him – was so incredible to him. And when her surprised expression melted into that loving tenderness she only ever had shown him, it only served to remind him and reinforce his belief that he wasn't mistaken. She was the woman he wanted for the rest of his life; the someone he had longed for, so many times when loneliness had crept upon him.
Dismounting, he patted Ada's neck and gestured for Natalie to follow him.
"Come sit with me... we need to talk."
Already the redhead knew what he wanted to say; or at least she was fairly certain it had to do with what she had said after the meeting. He hadn't brought it up after their return to the barracks, but she had sensed all those days that it was something left unresolved between them. Following suit, she left Ran to graze alongside Levi's mare and went to sit in the grass next to the young Captain, taking a deep breath of the sweet fragrance on the air.
"Talk to me..." he said, his eyes fixed on her as he leaned back onto one hand and rested the other arm atop his knee.
"You know, you didn't need to bring me all the way out here to get me to talk." she replied with a measure of humor. "But I'll admit, this is a nicer way to get information out of me."
"Idiot..." he huffed, trying and failing to fully hold back a smile.
"I know what I said might have seemed like a big deal, but—"
"It is a big deal." he cut her off with a light sigh. "If the wrong people had heard that, you could've gotten into a lot of trouble. You were lucky it was just us and Historia."
At that, he shifted slightly so he could reach to take hold of her hand.
"But more than that... Nat, why didn't you tell me you've been having those kinds of thoughts?"
It was almost frightening how his words broke through the frail mask of calm she'd been putting up, despite his gentle tone.
"Because I... try not to have them..." she sniffled, reaching to wipe the sudden tears that had flooded her face, with her sleeve. "Because I don't want to have those thoughts... I just..."
"No... come here..." he shook his head, tugging on her hand until she moved closer to where he could wrap her in his arms. "I'm not saying you can't have those thoughts, dummy. Just that you don't need to bottle them up, because you're not alone in this. You can't really control what you think or feel in a situation or another. I just don't want you to let them pile up or deal with them on your own; just come talk to me whenever you need to."
Already knowing she would argue when she opened her mouth, he tipped his head and pressed his lips to hers while pulling her even closer.
"I told you I'm never too busy for you; that I'll always make time, right? You're more important than paperwork, Nat... you always will be more important to me than anything else."
"I just..." she sighed, resigning herself to telling him what had been plaguing her since their confinement. "Is there any point anymore? What can I do in just a few more years? How can I help my people in any way that would really matter, when I have so little time left?"
"Just do everything you can, for as long as you can."
His answer, coming after such a long silence that she hadn't even expected he would speak anymore, left her gawking at him even as he cupped her cheeks with a tragically tender expression on his face.
"Don't think about what'll happen after you're gone, because we'll handle that. Don't worry whether your actions will or won't leave a mark, because they will; they already have left such deep marks in all of us. Don't count down how much time you have left. Just do everything you can... so you won't have any regrets at the end. Put aside everything and everyone else and just make sure you won't regret anything when it happens. I promise I'll be with you until the end; I swear that if I'm still alive after that... I'll make sure our people get that better future you're trying to make for them."
"...What would I do without you?" she at last said after finding her voice again, reaching up to cover his hands with her own. "Just promise that you will live even after that. And promise me you'll find someone..."
"Nat—"
"Shh, shh..." she smiled, reaching out to cover his mouth with her hand. "The last thing I'd want is for you to mourn me. I want to know you won't be alone when I'm gone; that you'll find someone who can give you an entire lifetime."
Even without words, the way his brows had furrowed and the heartbreaking pain in his eyes told her how he felt about that. They hadn't sat down to talk about it since leaving the cells, but it was time they acknowledged the issue. She was going to die, there was no stopping it... and the least she could do was to make sure he wouldn't waste the rest of his life grieving for her.
"I love you... more than I could ever put into words. That's why I don't want you to be alone when I'm gone." she said, her voice growing more and more unsteady as she gradually lost the battle with her tears, until she had to lower her head unable to look him in the eye – because she knew exactly what she was doing to him and how much it was hurting him. "That's why I want... you to... move on after. Promise me... promise you won't... be alone..."
Unable to listen to any more of that he smacked her hand away and grabbed her face, squeezing her cheeks as he turned her eyes back to the scowl now darkening his face. Without warning his mouth came crashing upon hers hard and heavy enough to hurt her lips. His arms then moved around her again, one of his hands grabbing her shoulder in a vice-like grasp, the other digging its fingers into her hip; he was holding her so tightly that she barely had enough space to draw breath, and could only wait to shatter into dust in his hold.
"You..." he at last said, with almost a snarl. "You really think I could do this with another woman?"
"Levi—"
"Shut up!" he ordered through clenched teeth, squeezing her even tighter to where she wondered if his embrace would break her bones. "I don't want to ever hear those shit words coming from your mouth again."
"But—"
"Shut up, you fucking idiot!" he ordered again. "If you love me... if I mean anything at all to you... don't ever say that to me again! Do you understand?"
Only when she nodded, still looking like she didn't know how to react before that display of anger from him, did Levi loosen his hold just enough that she could breathe normally while still not letting go of her.
"You're such an idiot, sometimes I just want to kick some sense into you." he said in a much gentler tone while trailing his thumb along her lips, reddened and swollen from his aggressive kiss, until he huffed with a measure of resigned humor. "Don't smile when I say I want to kick your ass, you damn brat..."
But she kept smiling at him through the leftover tears clinging to her lashes; she kept smiling so lovingly and so tragically that it broke his heart. And he had to lean his forehead against hers, to close his eyes so he could get a reprieve from seeing her expression; he had to again press his lips to hers, to hold her tighter while he pieced himself back together. He knew it was going to happen... that he had promised he would carry on her struggle for a better future, but...
'What am I going to do without you?'
He couldn't stop that thought from filling his head, no matter what. How would he live without her? How would he go on, when everything around him would forever remind him of her? How would he ever hold himself back from seeking his own demise, when he would no longer have her to live for? How would he ever carry on her struggle, when he didn't know how he would be able to carry himself on? How would he ever make a better future for everyone else, when his future would be dead?
'Do I really have to go back to that pain and start over? I don't want to... I can't bear any more of that.' he pondered, staring at the twilit sky as he stroked her hair after she had buried her face in the crook of his neck. 'Please... don't make me go through that again.'
He never had been a religious man, nor had he believed in superstitions like fate or destiny, but now... now he wanted to believe. He wanted to and would believe in whatever higher power governed their lives – whether it was Ymir or some other faceless, nameless god; whether it was fate or destiny. He wanted to and would believe in whatever he had to, if it would allow him to keep Natalie; if he wouldn't have to lose her like he had lost everyone else.
'Please... let me have her. Just her...'
Sooo today's replies for my lovely reviewers :D
1. MordredVisor - As always love, thank you so much for taking the time to leave feedback! Your reviews never fail to make my day, and I'm looking forward to them with every new upload!
(ch. 30) - They had technically already confessed to one another, in a very roundabout way... several times, at that. But I did want to also have a more classic (or cliche, depending how you look at it xD) "confession" moment where they actually just said those three simple words to each other. And I did my best to make it intentionally cute, especially because for me Levi has always embodied the behaviors of a cat. So I kind of wanted to delve into that headcanon of mine that he was a cat in another life xD
Regarding Eren, what he saw this time was somewhat different due to the different timeline they're all in right now. I won't say anything more cause spoilers, so you'll just have to keep reading to find out exactly what he saw (aside from his dad killing the Reiss children). As for Natalie's family, they may not be the most important OCs in this story, but they'll still have a part to play in the story.
Also... Levi doesn't do marriage... or does he? ;)
So these are my replies for today. Cheers, lovelies~ ( ˘ ³˘)❤