There's a lot that Nagisa regrets.

Considering he spent his morning with his head hanging over the toilet, it's safe to say his liver regrets it too.

Once he's managed to keep water, and painkillers for the headache, down though, that's when he starts to regret everything else. If he'd just said some embarrassing things, he'd eventually get over it. But, unless he's mistaken, he just agreed to a date with his co-worker. Or, kind of agreed to it? The details are a little fuzzy.

They almost kissed.

It's stupid, but Nagisa feels guilty about it. He has no reason to, though. It's not like he was dating Karma, not like he owes him anything, least of all loyalty. Especially loyalty. Didn't Karma say he wanted him to date a bunch of people, anyway? Maybe it's just the hangover he's feeling.

If there's one person in the world Nagisa should never take dating advice from, it's Maehara, but he can't help remember something he said to him once, when he asked about how he went through girls so quickly. Rebounds: they're the best way to heal the heart. It sounds stupid, even now, but he knows it is a thing.

To Google?

Unfortunately, when Nagisa opens his phone, he finds a brand new LINE contact, and a message alongside it. Right. The memories are flooding back to him.

Inoue Tsuka: Hey! (^０^)ノ

Inoue Tsuka: Hope you're not feeling too bad this morning! Make sure you get some water! Try and eat a banana if you can, it should be easy on the stomach and give you a boost of energy! (o˘◡˘o)

Inoue Tsuka: Sorry for the teacher rant, haha. By the way, let me know if you haven't changed your mind! (^_)〜

The conflict stirring internally almost makes Nagisa angry. He doesn't even know how he feels about any of this. He should know? As he wipes his face off, satisfied that nothing else from his stomach is going to make an appearance, he tries his best to think. Does he really want to go on a date with him?

Inoue… or maybe he should think of him by his given name now… Tsukasa's definitely a nice guy. Nagisa's just never even considered it for a second. Nobody's ever… asked him out before. How's he even meant to react at a time like this? Has he liked him for a long time? Or… maybe this is just opportunistic? Honestly, it makes Nagisa feel a little weird. Why would someone like him?

He's a good person, Nagisa reminds himself. The real question should be why wouldn't he go on a date with him? He's nice. At the very least, conventionally attractive. Most of all, he actually asked Nagisa out directly. That's… refreshing. Even if he still doesn't quite know how to handle it… He needs to say something, though.

Nagisa: Sure.

Nagisa: I mean, I haven't.

He closes the app again, almost afraid to read his response. He's still really embarrassed about trying to kiss him. He has no clue why he did it. Maybe it was literally just the alcohol, but still.

Abandoning the phone entirely, he decides he may as well take a shower. Though, it takes more effort than he realised to not just get lost in thought. He just doesn't know how to handle anything remotely like… this. Not that the spray of water helps him as much as he'd wish, though.

One of the worst things about not having work, especially at a time like this, is there's basically nothing for him to do. Nothing for him to want to do. Nagisa's probably read the files on his students for next year ten times already. He's not good at just doing nothing even at the best of times, let alone when he actively wants to take his mind of things.

He even finishes Pride and Prejudice.

Honestly, though, he's just annoyed. This is so unrealistic. Happy endings don't happen. It would have been a much better book, in fact, if they'd just stayed far apart. At least it would have subverted expectations or something. He's pretty sure he can't ever share this opinion, though, otherwise Nakamura might legitimately murder him.

Although it feels like the days are seriously dragging out, the day of the agreed date (following just a few more messages of agreement) approaches as quickly as blinking. And the day itself, too, fades away somewhere in the midst of him spiralling over and over in his mind about everything. To the point he almost decides to try and get out of it at least three times.

This is his first actual, nobody doubts it, date date. And despite everything, he's convinced he's going to mess it up somehow.

It's taken most of his mental capacity to even settle on an outfit that doesn't look terrible. He knows he shouldn't care, really, but he should aim to make some sort of impression, right? Not that Nagisa could ever fool anyone into thinking he's cool or fashionable… passable, though, he should be able to manage that at the very least. At least it's raining? He can cover it up with a coat, for the most part, and it's hard to hate on a coat…

Weirdly, the only thing that interrupts his thought is a knock at his door. And it's not like Nagisa gets visitors ever.

"Nagisa."

It's like every part of him freezes up all at once. It's like meeting eyes with a ghost. Or, well, an alarmingly dishevelled looking Karma. But it feels like a ghost all the same. What's he doing here? And, why is he just wearing a t-shirt? It's cold, and it's not like it's light rain. Did something bad happen to him?

But then Nagisa reminds himself about everything else that happened, and his sympathy vanishes.

"What are you doing here?"

Karma stands up straighter, peeling his wet hair out of his eyes. "I just… came."

That's hardly an answer?! Nagisa really doesn't want to, but he's not inhumane. At the very least, he doesn't want to just slam the door in his face, but he can't just leave him standing out there like that either? He thinks it over for a moment, but at least steps aside, giving him the minimum permission he can to enter.

Even if he's now dripping rainwater all over his floor.

"Well?" He prompts, arms folded after Karma does nothing except stare at him for a disconcerting period of time.

He shakes his head, almost like a wet dog. "I didn't actually get that far…"

"What?"

And then they go right back to the silence again. Well, Karma shouldn't complain about Nagisa assuming what he means sometimes! What else is he meant to do? When Karma literally won't even speak he needs to fill the silence somehow. How much longer does he need? Why did he just randomly drop in without any kind of warning?

"Look," he says firmly, "I don't have time for this right now."

Suddenly Karma looks defiant. "Then make some."

"Did you ever consider I might just have plans?"

"Why," he tilts his head, "you have a hot date or something?"

"…"

"…Do you?"

It was clearly meant to be a joke, based on his tone, but the follow up question is sharp, and the mood has definitely changed. Well… what right does he actually have to be mad? Karma essentially instructed him to go out with someone else. He's the one who kept telling him to leave! Nagisa doesn't owe him anything here, especially if he just shows up like this.

"That's none of your business."

Somehow, Nagisa knows it's not the best thing to say, but he can't bring himself to feel that bad about it.

Karma glares at him. "No kidding."

The thing is, Nagisa really doesn't want to let him pick his way into a fight, but he's nearly ready to boil over at this point. Who does Karma even think he is, anyway? What was the point of even coming here? One last chance.

"Why are you here, Karma?"

His gaze hardens. "I don't know."

That's not a good enough answer, and they both know it. Nagisa's about to blow his lid in frustration. "You clearly had something to say."

"Maybe I did," he says, before turning. "But I don't anymore. Looks like I made a mistake."

He's about to leave?!

"Wait," Nagisa says, with about as much authority as he can muster.

Admittedly, he's a little surprised when Karma actually does pause. Maybe out of curiosity? Nagisa's not sure, but he's not going to push his luck. He's already on limited time. It's just… he can't just send him back outside like that. Nagisa digs around in his wardrobe for a second, finally finding the jumper he'd borrowed from Karma that one time he got all his clothes wet. He'd been meaning to give it back before, but it's comfy…

"It's cold outside," he offers it out, "and I've had this for ages. Don't make yourself sick."

"Right," he takes it, yanking it violently out of his hands. "Can't have anyone else's things around, huh?"

He's picking again, but Nagisa's too annoyed to just ignore it. "You're being ridiculous."

"I'm ridiculous? This," he gestures, "isn't you."

"You literally just showed up here," he starts. "Without warning. With nothing to say? And now you're mad at me for doing the thing you explicitly told me to do?"

He's surprised even at himself.

Karma half gapes at him, before turning. "Fine, I'm out."

"Fine."

Maybe it's the teacher in him, but he's even more frustrated at the way he purposely slams the door. He has half a mind to go out there and make him come back to close it properly. What even was that anyway, huh? Karma has no right to be comment on his life anymore. None! He's the one who said everything between them was meaningless to him, anyway. Why does he even care what Nagisa does? And why just show up here?

Unfortunately, Nagisa wasn't making up the whole date thing, and he actually does have to go to it.

Perhaps this kind of thing would have been considered a mood killer, but if anything it makes him even more determined. He's going to go out and have a great time! Because he has the right to. He doesn't need nor care about Karma's approval. And… Well, Tsukasa doesn't seem like the type to just show up in places and act like that. Maybe Nagisa needs that kind of energy in his life!

Admittedly, he slams the door too, but he has an excuse. Mainly, the small keyring Karma won for him at the arcade. It's cute, and he's used to it bringing at least a small smile to his face. It's a nice morning memory. But right now, its face is taunting him. He ends up yanking it off, though he doesn't have the heart to do more than push it (violently) through his letter box.

Dumb little panda keyring.

It helps him cool off a little bit, at least, and by the time he's on the train he feels more level-headed. And least he's not anxious anymore? He's a lot of things, for sure, but definitely not that. This is going to be fine, anyway. Worst comes to worst, it can still be fun to hang out with someone, and he's been home for days already.

At least by the time the train arrives in Ikebukuro station, he figures he looks calm enough. There's only so calm he can appear, after the mayhem of that station, but he makes it outside at least. The area directly in front of the station is unusually open, so it's a convenient place to meet with someone. It doesn't take long to find him, at least.

"Hi!" Nagisa says, possibly a bit too loudly.

Oh no. What does he do? What's the procedure? Does he have to hug him or something? How do people commence a date normally?!

Tsukasa smiles. "Hey, you made it."

All he can do is nod like a crazy person. "Just about."

"It's not far from here," he says, "should we walk?"

"Sure."

He can't believe he's screwing up already – it's only been half a minute!

"I used to like this area a lot," Tsukasa says, "when I first moved here. Maybe because I thought it had a bit of everything? It was less overwhelming than other places at least."

That strikes a bit of curiosity within Nagisa. "How come you did move here? University?"

He smiles. "You're probably thinking, 'why come all this way just to teach PE'? I was actually pretty good at sports myself, y'know. It's not like I had a full scholarship or anything, but I played a little for my university's team. Do you like baseball?"

"You could say that," Nagisa says. It would be hard not to, being friends with someone like Sugino.

"Really?"

Nagisa sighs. "I'm not really the sporty type, I guess. But, I used to help one of my best friends practise a lot. He's a pro now… not due to my help, though."

"You're kidding?" Before Nagisa can say anything else, though, he stops. "This is the place."

"Sushi?" He can't help but feel a little bit better.

"I hope it's okay," Tsukasa says, a little apprehensive. "I thought you mentioned liking it a few times before, at least."

He blinks. "I can't believe you remembered something like that?"

Tsukasa grins. "You don't give much away."

It's not the type of sushi place he'd usually go to, honestly. Most of the time, he sticks to the rotary places where you can get pretty full on no more than 500 yen. It's not super fancy or anything, but this place is definitely more of a formal sit down thing. Nagisa likes sushi regardless, of course. Plus, it's kind of sweet that he remembered.

"I hope you're going to live up to it," Tsukasa says, "because I have no idea what to order."

He flushes. "I'm not some kind of expert!"

"Oh good, I hope you're not a purist either because I hate ginger."

This is normal, isn't it? Honestly, it's not too different to other times he's spoken to Tsukasa. Then again, he's never even just hung out with him outside of work before. He's not sure it's super 'dateish' yet. Considering they were literally talking about sports just a few minutes ago… Well, it's not like it's a boring topic or anything.

Nagisa may be far from an expert, but he has a good idea of what to order. There's enough things on the menu that he likes, anyway, and he'd say his tastes are usually pretty everyman. At least, he hopes Tsukasa doesn't end up hating everything he suggests. He's pretty good at playing it safe, at least.

"So," Tsukasa says, "is there a story behind the sushi?"

He thinks for a minute. "Not really. W-when I was a kid, my Dad used to take me out to eat sometimes. It's probably the closest thing to bonding we had, so I guess it kind of reminds me of that."

He nods. "That sounds fun, to be honest. I never really knew mine."

"Oh?"

"It's not that tragic," he says. "He was just… a little older. And worked away from home. He got sick, kind of young anyway I think, when I was still a kid… so it was pretty much just me and my Mum. She started fostering kids when I was a teenager, though - and she still does – so I don't have to worry about her being lonely or anything."

Why does everything he does somehow make him even closer to some kind of perfection?

"That's really great," he says, because what else can he?

He smiles. "I like to think she's proud of my, anyway. I think she found the city even more stressful than I did, though."

He kind of gets it. Even though Kunugigaoka is still a city, it can feel worlds apart from Tokyo. Maybe the 3E campus had been a bit of a death trap, but it was refreshing to spend all day in the mountains back then. By the time he started high school, the environment was completely different. Even that had been a little hard to adjust to, and it seems like Tsukasa had a much more dramatic move.

"I feel like there's a lot," he says, "that would make a mother proud, at least."

"Hey, it's not like I saved someone's life or anything."

"It's really not a big deal," Nagisa insists again.

Tsukasa nods, at least in a light hearted way. "I get it. I'd like to think, I'd do the same, in that situation. But honestly, I'd probably just freak out."

He finds himself disagreeing with that. "I don't think so. Like I said, it wasn't anything special."

"You're pretty cool, Nagisa kun," he says. "Give yourself more credit. Even if you are pretty mysterious sometimes. Next thing I know, I'm going to find out you're the world parkour champion or something."

"…Well, actually..."

His face drops. "Come on."

Nagisa finds himself really smiling. "I'm not a champion. But I did do it in junior high."

"You can do that?"

Oh. He can't talk about this. NDA.

"They had a club," he forces out.

At least Tsukasa accepts it. "Woah, so schools really are crazy here. I guess our one is the exception."

He's pretty thankful when their food actually arrives. At least that takes the subject away from him. Nagisa's aware that you're meant to talk about yourself on a date, but it's easy to forget just how much of himself is completely off limits sometimes. Realistically, it was only one year of his life, but… it felt so much more important than that.

At least the sushi actually is pretty good. Again, Nagisa's not an expert, but he can tell it's a little bit better than the cheap stuff. That's a whole conversation itself. The other stuff fades away, and Nagisa's honestly pretty comfortable. Why wouldn't he be? He's doing something he already likes, and Tsukasa's easy to talk to.

"Are you ready to go?"

Are they done already?

"Sure."

Tsukasa looks at him. "What's your style?"

"Huh?"

"Like," he says, "do you want to split it? Or I'll get this one, and you can do next time."

Something in that shoots a shred of panic. "W-we can split!"

Nagisa definitely doesn't mind paying his fair share. He's just, admittedly, never been given the option before. He kind of likes having the option, too. It's weird, because Tsukasa keeps feeling even more and more out of his league with every second, but it also feels oddly equal? And yeah, maybe Nagisa would do this again.

The rain has stopped, by the time they're outside again.

"Normally, I'd ask if you want to come for a drink," Tsukasa says, "but maybe not?"

Nagisa laughs. He thinks it's meant to be a joke.

They end up walking with no particular direction in mind. That's okay with him. It's not a place he comes to all that often, so it's entertaining enough to just look at things, a few comments passing between the both of them. Nagisa doesn't know what to do here. He hasn't really been trying anything.

The food has been and gone already, so he can't do anything with that. Honestly, through it all, Karma was actually a pretty lousy teacher. He barely gave him any dating advice at all! Then again, that was specifically about seduction, and Nagisa's not sure he wants to stray into that territory. Is he just overthinking this?

Think.

"Wow," he says, "the view is amazing."

Tsukasa looks up at the night sky. "You're right. Y'know, I barely remember what the moon used to look like."

It's changed a lot, over the last ten years.

"Me neither."

Tsukasa seems to inch a little closer to him. "Hey, are you alright getting home? I can walk you, if you want?"

Normally Nagisa wouldn't think much of that, at all, but this is at least one thing he was taught.

Walking your date home is part of it.

Since you're against love hotels, you're not leaving many options.

Suddenly he feels a little nervous sick. It… shouldn't be surprising? It's not like they're teenagers anymore. Most dates are meant to end like this, right? He doesn't think Tsukasa is just trying to hook up with him or anything, but… Well, what right does Nagisa have to complain? He basically threw himself at him a few days ago.

"Sure," he says, swallowing heavily.

He knows he doesn't have to sleep with him. And maybe he doesn't have an ulterior motive! With how genuinely nice Tsukasa seems to be, he could easily mean it innocently. Everything's going just fine so far, anyway. They walk to the station, the light conversation continues. For the first time in his life, he's actually glad the train is busy. The silence honestly feels better.

What does he do if that is what he wants? Could he really… sleep with him? It's hard to even conceptualise that in his mind. Sure, he knows how easy it would be to just say no, but… is that what he'd want to say? Why shouldn't he just do it?Nagisa hates how much even thinking about it feels like some sort of betrayal.

He doesn't owe anyone everything.

Least of all monogamy.

"Nice area," Tsukasa comments when they're out of the station. "Kind of peaceful?"

It was the absolute limit of his budget. "Yeah, it's not far from here either. It's mostly just convenient though."

It's also the first time Nagisa wishes he lived further away.

They arrive there, then, and he almost breaks out into a sweat. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembers the code. Offering a drink. It's code. Should he say it? He doesn't even know what to think or feel. It's a little weird to just look at him silently, isn't it? He's going to have to see Tsukasa at work, so he can't just be super weird about this.

"Nagisa kun," he smiles softly. "I hope this isn't a terrible question, but can I kiss you?"

Nagisa swallows his internal panic, and nods. Nobody's ever asked him before.

They fit together easy enough, since he's a little closer to Nagisa's height than… than he's used to. Really, he has no problem kissing Tsukasa. He's good looking, a good person in general, and he can't say he doesn't like the way he's been treated so far. There's worse people to be kissing. Way worse. He should be happy someone like him even wants to kiss him.

He's not a bad kisser. Nagisa knows that. The pressure is nice, easy to respond to. Definitely not to firm, or insistent, but he's not holding back in a way that makes the control obvious either. It's easy, and then they break apart.

Tsukasa smiles. "Goodnight."

"Night," he gets out.

It was a good kiss. Tsukasa's a good guy. But… all Nagisa felt was mechanics. That kiss was just a kiss. It was just like answering exam questions after cram reading a textbook. In a way, it was similar to that time he'd kissed Kayano, without the genuine urgency and adrenaline accompanying him. It just… was.

That kiss felt like nothing.

Why does he feel like he cheated?!

He opens his door up, locks it, and then sinks to the floor in shame. What's wrong with him? He shouldn't be feeling like this, especially after such a nice night. He should be happy… he should be… Not feeling like the world's going to break itself in two.

Why has he only ever felt something when he kisses Karma?

This is so unfair.

Seriously! What kind of god did he anger recently? Is he really done for now? One shot at… love or whatever, and now it's just gone? Maybe it hasn't been that long, but somehow Nagisa knows this is something that runs deeper than infatuation. It's like a weed. Maybe he can pull out the surface, but underneath it's still coiled around his roots.

The worst part about it all is he misses him.

His phone buzzes then, knocking him out of his spiral for a moment, but then he stills when he sees who it's from. And it's like sinking all over again.

Karma: sorry

Note: The companion story to this fic, The Five Stages Of Falling In Love With Your Best Friend, has now been posted and you can access through my profile. It's the long awaited 'Karma's POV'! Merry Christmas!