September 3, 2003
I've barely spoken to anyone since the events at the gas station a few days ago. I can't sleep, so I have offered to take the solo night shift every night. I'm shocked that everyone has just gone along with it. I've never gone this long without talking to them before. I'm sure my extended silence has stunned the others.
I want to talk to Nick, I really do. Actually, I want him to hold me while I cry. I just don't know what to say to him. I know that it takes two to tango, but I feel like this is all my fault. It was my idea after all. When the time is right, I'll talk to him and apologize. But for now, I'm taking a vow of silence.
The others are conversing at the front of the RV. Their conversations are only a jumble of murmurs until I hear my name be brought up. I scramble to piece together their previous words to figure out why I was brought up.
Luke thrusts a crumpled up map in my direction. "There's a fishing pond not far from here. You need some fresh air so how about you head that way and get us something to eat. And you can take someone with you…"
Please don't do this to me, Luke.
"How about you take Nick with you?" he finishes.
Of all of us, he is the last person I want to be alone with right now. Thanks to Luke, I'm going to be forced to talk to Nick about our situation. I don't have even an inkling of an idea of what to say to him.
My body enters autopilot mode to gather supplies and walk toward the fishing pond. I go through the motions without a word. Nick and I walk along the path with six feet between us. I focus my energy on listening to every snap and crackle in the woods, in case it could be something that could hurt us.
"So…" Nick starts, "Parents, huh?"
My heart is stuck in my throat, so all I do is mutter, "Yeah."
"When do you want to tell Luke?"
His question actually makes me laugh. "Never."
"What the hell do you mean 'never?'"
I meet his angry tone with a sarcastic one. "Unless you want to get your ass kicked, I suggest you keep your mouth shut."
"I can handle your brother." He rolls his eyes as we step over a fallen tree. "So you just plan to hide a baby from your brother for the rest of your life?"
"What?" I sputter out. "Of course not. Fuck, I don't know. I don't want to talk about it right now."
"Well I know one thing for sure: a kid needs to grow up with both parents. Only having one parent is not fun, and I know that first hand."
"Will the baby even be able to grow up at all?" As soon as I say the words I regret it. I know I'm going to upset Nick by saying it, but it is a serious concern of mine. I just found out I was pregnant a few days ago, and I'm already concerned about the future wellbeing of my child. I have to be this way with how the world works now.
"Don't even say that shit!" He yells, causing a nearby flock of birds to fly away.
The fishing pond is just ahead of us, but I stop him from continuing. "I'm sorry, okay? This was supposed to be my first week of grad school, but instead I'm pregnant in a fucking apocalypse and my parents are dead! I wish they were here, because they would know exactly what to do, but they aren't here. I don't know how to tell Luke. I don't know how to raise a baby, especially when there's lurkers around every corner. I don't even know what to say to you!"
The tears pour down my face. I let my guard down. Right now a lurker could wander up and I wouldn't even notice until its teeth sunk into me.
Nick envelopes himself around me. "This isn't your fault, you know. I'm not mad at all. I'm a bit scared and frustrated, but honestly, maybe this will be a good thing…"
To hear Nick say he's not mad clears my mind. This whole time I was freaking out over nothing. I smile at him through my tears, and then I start laughing.
His face scrunches in confusion. "What's so funny?"
"I was freaking out, while this entire time you've been thinking this is a good thing."
"Well, what do you think?" he asks.
"I'm terrified of telling my brother. I'm scared of raising a baby in an apocalypse. And I'm scared of giving birth, but I agree. Maybe this will be the one thing that gives us hope; that keeps us all going."
He flashes me a bright smile and starts to lean in. I put my hand up and stop him, which produces hurt in his eyes. "I'd love to, but right now we have other things we need to focus on. We need to put whatever feelings we have aside for a bit. Because it looks like we're going to have a baby, and that's going to take a lot of energy. Eventually, we'll tell Luke. And eventually, when the time is right, you and I can pursue whatever it is that's between us."
The hurt in his eyes disappears and is replaced my hope. "You're right. Come on, let's go catch some fish."
We settle on the small wooden pier overlooking the pond after Nick unpacks our fishing poles. We sit in silence as we wait for our hooks to receive a bite. This silence is much more peaceful than the silence that encapsulated us the past few days. Every so often, I catch Nick looking at me from the corner of my eye. Every time I catch him, we both smile and blush and look away. I feel like I'm sixteen again, pining over the adorable, awkward boy next door.
The pond is so tranquil. The breeze is light, moving the water ever so slightly. The sky is clear; the temperature is not too hot. For the slightest of moments, I forget that we live in a post-apocalyptic world.
My bobber dunks under the water. It was very slight, so I shrug it off as the wind. When it happens again, I start reeling in my line. The resistance pulling against my pole is almost invisible. I think I caught a piece of grass, but when my hook breaks through the water, there is a tiny fish on it.
"That has got to be the tiniest fish I've ever seen someone catch." Nick says, stifling a laugh.
"Little guy wouldn't even be a snack for one of us."
I take it off the hook. It's so little it barely covers the surface of my palm. I lower my palm over the water and release the little fish. It makes a plop when it hits the water.
"Maybe in a few weeks we can come back and it'll be bigger," Nick says.
More time passes without a bite on either of our hooks. Eventually he speaks up again. "I'm going to try my best, but I know I won't be a good dad."
I whip my head around so hard I nearly pull a muscle. I can't believe he would interrupt this peaceful silence with such bullshit. "That's not even close to the truth! Why would you say that?"
He refuses to look at me. "I barely had a dad, and when he was around he was shitty. I don't know the first thing about being a dad. And who's to say I won't end up just like my dad?"
"You will be a good dad. I'm sure of it." I move myself closer to him, careful to avoid the many splitters on the worn-down pier. "You're nothing like your dad."
He finally meets my gaze. He asks, "You really mean that?"
I nod. The two of us peer deep into the other's eyes. He releases his fishing pole with one of his hands and uses it to move a piece of hair away from my face.
In an instant, his bobber shoots under the water with an immense force. Nick's fishing pole nearly goes with it, but he grasps it at the last minute. Whatever is on the hook is pulling so hard that I worry his pole could snap in half. Nick digs his feet into the pier to stop himself from flying into the water. Using all of his energy, he reels in the last of the line.
The largest fish I've ever is on the end of the line. It flies off of the hook and begins flopping about all over the pier. It nears the edge, so I ready myself to jump on it. Nick pushes me aside and flings himself onto the massive creature. I stab it to end its wrestling match with Nick.
He leans back on his knees, his shirt soaked and his breaths labored. He dumps the fish into the bucket we brought. This fish alone will provide a feast for all of us.
"Were you really planning on jumping on your stomach while you're pregnant?"
I cover my face with my hands in embarrassment. "I'm so fucking stupid! Does it sound horrible for me to say that, at that moment, I forgot I was pregnant?"
The both of us dissolve into laughter at my momentary amnesia. "It's okay. It'll take some getting used to," he says.
We pack up our supplies and make our way back to the others. The way back is nothing like the journey to the pond. Instead of being six feet apart, we walk so close together that we keep bumping into each other. Everytime we do, we laugh. I haven't felt this happy in so long.
When we return, everyone is ecstatic to see the huge fish Nick caught.
"That's a huge fish. Good job, son," Pete praises Nick. Nick may not act like it, but receiving Pete's approval is one of his greatest goals.
The rest of the group gathers around and expresses their praise for Nick. Even though all eyes are on Nick, his eyes are only on me.
Author's Note: Shit's about to go down.