September 14, 2003
As the days pass by, I struggle more and more with morning sickness. Actually, I can't even call it morning sickness, because I get it all throughout the day. I'm not sure how long I can keep this a secret.
Eventually I will start to gain weight. As of now, I look the same as before or maybe even skinnier. My mother always told me she didn't get a huge belly when she was pregnant. I was born prematurely and I'm still small to this day, so it's likely that I won't develop a big pregnant belly. Regardless, I will start showing eventually. Because of this, I've been debating in my head how I should tell Luke. So far, I've come up empty.
"Hey, I have something to tell you." Nick comes up behind me and grabs my waist. His touch sends shivers down my spine more than it ever did before. "Yesterday on my run I found a book that's all about pregnancy, but it's specifically written for dads."
Goddamn. This man is making it so hard to not grab him and kiss him for hours on end. Earlier, he expressed that he doesn't think he'll make a good dad, but he's already shown me that he is. I don't have the words to thank him, so I throw myself into his arms.
I stay there for a few minutes, thinking that the others are in the RV. To my dismay, Luke exits the RV. I hope that he didn't see our exchange of affection, but unfortunately he did.
"What are you weirdos doing?" He asks.
"My stomach hurt, so he was just trying to help me feel better," I play it off.
"Your stomach seems to hurt an awful lot these days."
Does he know? I don't know what to say to him. I remain silent in hopes that he drops his inquisitive mood.
Luke does drop his curiosity and tosses an apple at me. It hits me in the stomach, and it would have hit me a lot harder if I hadn't stopped the blunt of the blow with my hand. Luke laughs at me in a brotherly way.
"Dude, what the hell?! She's-"
Luke's face drops in confusion and I give Nick a look to silence him.
Nick fakes a laugh to cover for himself. "She's gonna whip your ass if you don't stop."
Awkwardness hangs heavy in the air while we sit in silence. Luke definitely is onto the fact that something weird is going on, but I don't think he knows exactly what it is. I'll try my best to keep it that way for a while, at least until I can find the words to tell him.
"Anyway, Nick, do you have a shirt I can borrow? I spilled something on this one, and it's my last clean one. Martha says we're not doing laundry until tomorrow." Luke asks.
"Sure, man, but it might not fit," Nick teases him. Nick loves to keep up the joke that Luke is short, even though Nick is just a few inches taller than Luke.
With a roll of his eyes, Luke heads into the RV. I relax against Nick until Luke returns.
"What the fuck is this?"
Nick and I look back upon hearing the anger and accusation in Luke's tone. Luke stands in the doorway of the RV, an angry look on his face. In his hands is a book. I squint to read the title from this distance, but when I read the title I nearly faint. Pregnancy Made Easy: For Dads.
My eyes dart between Luke and Nick. My mouth is so dry. I've come up for excuses to cover up everything thus far, but right now I am utterly speechless.
"You know how boring it gets around here. I tried to get my hands on anything to pass the time, and that was all I could find," Nick says, squeezing my hand in comfort.
Luke hardly looks convinced, but Martha and Pete come outside to announce its time for dinner. I volunteered to make tonight's dinner, since Pete is usually our chef. I gather my supplies and start preparing the meal. I make spaghetti with marinara sauce. It's not too hard, but it is much different cooking the spaghetti over a fire.
The others love the food. I scarf down my food like I usually do: quicker than everyone else. I'm still hungry, but I don't mention it to anyone else. When no one else is paying attention, Nick scrapes some of his food onto my plate with a wink. I gratefully scarf it down, but I still feel hunger pains in my stomach.
I manage to keep my dinner down for the duration of clean up. But the minute we head inside for the night, I am hit with a wave of nausea. My trip outside is disgusting as usual. I lose my dinner all over the grass beside the RV.
When I return, I barely get a chance to put a piece of gum in my mouth before Luke starts grilling me. "You threw up again."
I assume that his statement is rhetorical, so I don't bother to answer him. I chew my gum and attempt to move past him. He blocks my path with his body and more interrogations. The others stare at our bickering awkwardly. Nick's face in particular shows pity for me.
"It must just be a stomach bug or something I ate." I try to play it off again.
"Really, Bea? Because no one else has had a stomach bug for weeks on end. We all eat the same food, yet no one else gets sick," he fires back.
After bickering for a few minutes, Luke finally says, "You know, Bea, I don't know a lot about female anatomy. But I know enough to see that you're experiencing the telltale signs of pregnancy."
There it is. After all this time, I don't even have to come up with the words to tell him because he already knows. Of course he knows. I was an idiot to ever believe that he wouldn't find out. There's no way for me to weasel my way out of this one, so I lean back on my elbows against the countertop and nod.
Luke's face drops, an unintelligible emotion etched across his face. Silence fills the air and no one dares to move.
"Are you serious right now? How could you let this happen? You promised no funny business when you went away to school!"
I try to get a word in, but Luke cuts me off again, "I mean, now the baby won't even have a dad. Do you even know who the dad is? Or where he is?"
I have been unusually calm during this encounter, but I begin to panic when Luke mentions the baby's father. I have to do everything in my power to protect Nick.
"I do know who the father is, but I don't want to talk about. Please, Luke… Just calm down." I try my best to ease the tension.
"Hey, man." Nick stands from his seat and tries to step between Luke and I. I shoot Nick a look, begging him to not step in. Luke takes a moment to move him aside before focusing back on me.
I stop him before he can berate me anymore. "I'm leaving!" I announce.
The others shout for me to stop, but I ignore their pleas. I don't go far; I travel to the backside of the RV. Here, I am able to listen in to the others without being seen. I pick at the rusted paint on the RV and listen to the banter of Luke and Nick inside. Nick is standing up for me, while Luke complains. I appreciate what Nick is doing, but he's just putting himself in harm's way.
Gravel embeds itself in my knees through my pants as I kneel beside the RV. A tear comes to my eye. What have I gotten myself into? I wallow in my thoughts while listening to the fight inside.
"Why do you even care so much?" Luke finally asks in exasperation.
"Because it's my baby!"
Silence.
"You're fucking joking," says Luke.
"I'm dead fucking serious."
More silence.
"You fucked my sister?!" Luke yells.
"Multiple times," Nick says, bitterness and a tinge of cockiness fills his voice.
Even more silence.
A crash sounds from within the RV. I cannot see them, but it sounds like one of them shoved the other. I have no clue who pushed who, but I don't wait around to find out. I stalk off toward the treeline. The last thing I hear is Martha scolding the two of them for letting a pregnant woman wonder off into the forest alone.
The sun is low in the sky as I enter the woods. I don't plan on returning to the RV any time soon. My game plan is to find a quiet, safe place to sleep for the night. I need to be away from Nick and my brother. I need time to contemplate. I know I should have intervened; I should have finally stood up to my brother and protected Nick. I should have, but I just can't stand to be in that RV another minute.
I spent all this time trying to protect Nick from Luke's overprotectiveness, just for Nick to go and expose himself like that. I'm not angry with him, because he was just trying to stand up for me. I wish he would have waited until a better time. Although, I don't know if a better time would have ever come. Now everything is out in the open, and I have no idea what to make of it.
A crackling of leaves alerts me to the presence of a lurker. I wield my knife and ready myself, only for the lurker's foot to get caught on the exposed root of a large oak tree. It comes crashing down. "Dumbass," I snort at it.
I stab through its skull, and a wave of guilt washes over me. Not even two months ago I encountered my first lurker. I felt bad for the first one I ever killed. Now I am laughing at one. This walking corpse used to be a person- a person who had a life and a family. What has gotten into me?
My thoughts distract me, which allows for a second lurker to get a jump on me. The lurker grasps desperately at my chest and sends both of us into a pile of freshly fallen leaves. I struggle against it. Finally I plant my knife in its skull, but not before it nearly gets a few bites in.
I step away. The area is now a mess, with leaves and mud smears strewn about the path. My pants and jacket are ripped and muddied. I guess this is God or the universe trying to humble me.
Through the trees I can see pinks and purples and oranges swirling throughout the sky. It looks like it's going to be a beautiful sunset tonight. Too bad I won't get to watch it.
Ahead, there is some kind of shed. It's probably full of bugs, but it looks sturdy enough. I enter the doorway before a small group of lurkers can catch up to me. I could take them all, but I choose to lock myself in the shed in hopes that the door will hold.
As expected, there's two dozen spiders and their respective cobwebs lining the walls of the small shed. None of them appear poisonous, so I decide this is as good a place as any to stay the night. There's not much inside, only a bench and a few tools. I am thankful to find a kerosine lantern in the corner. I shake off a couple pissed off spiders and turn the lamp on.
I lower myself onto the bench, too unbothered to care about the beetle that scampers across my boots. I force myself to ignore the lurkers pounding on the door, no matter how annoying I find the noise to be.
Once I am finally alone in my thoughts, I struggle to think clearly. It's getting ridiculous how often these days that my thoughts are filled with a constant I don't know what to do.
Should I cry? Should I be happy? Should I be angry?
One by one, the lurkers' groans stop until there is an eerie silence. I hear each one fall to the ground with a thud. I hover my hand over my knife. I doubt Luke calmed down enough to come find me, and I doubt that Luke would let Nick come find me. I hope for my sake that I didn't stumble across someone's home, and if I did, I hope that they aren't dangerous.
My hand drops away from my knife when I hear the worried voices of Luke and Nick on the other side of the door. The two of them ask if I'm inside, but before I can answer, Nick kicks the door open.
The two of them rush to my side. Questions spew from both of their mouths; I can't understand either of them. Weren't these two just fighting an hour ago? Now they stand in front of me, panic and worries sputtering out of their mouths.
"Jesus, what's wrong with you two?" I ask, growing tired of them talking over each other.
"We saw that downed lurker on the path, and it looked like there was a struggle. We thought you were bit!" Nick says.
"I'm fine. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself," I tell them. I appreciate the concern, but it slightly irritates me that everyone thinks I'm incapable of handling myself. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones.
Nick gives me a big hug, which I reciprocate hesitantly. As expected, Luke pulls Nick away with a sour look.
I roll my eyes, completely done with Luke's unnecessary behaviour. "Really, Luke? You know you're allowed to stop being so fucking overprotective all the time?"
He furrows his brow at my scolding, but doesn't back down. "I made a promise to our parents that I would always look after you!"
I pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration. "You made that promise when you were six! You are twenty four years old now! I'm not a little kid anymore, and I don't wander off like I did when I was little!"
"Well obviously you just did, because here we are!"
"I wandered off because you are being totally ridiculous and I couldn't take it anymore!"
"You could've died when you were four and it would've been all my fault! I have to keep my promise to Mom and Dad, especially now that they're gone."
In an instant, my throat feels like it is about to close up. Tears threaten to spill, and as hard as I try to stop them, they begin to flow freely. "Don't you fucking dare bring that up!"
"What are you guys talking about?" Nick tries to interject, but I am not interested in talking about it.
"I know it didn't happen to me, but not a day goes by that I don't blame myself. All of my nightmares are about it, except they usually end without us getting lucky like we did," Luke says.
This is the first time Luke and I have talked about the incident outloud. Growing up in our household there was an unspoken rule: never bring up the incident. Conversations regarding the incident were reserved for therapists.
"You don't think I think about it every time I close my eyes?" I ask Luke, choking on my sobs.
For a sudden moment, I see regret, sorrow, sympathy, flash across my brother's face. It turns to disapproval quickly. "Just stay away from my sister," he says to Nick, as he grabs the kerosine lamp and storms out of the shed.
Nick looks at me, a pleading look on his face. He wants to reach out to me, I know he does. But I know he can't, so I follow Luke.
Author's Note: I know, I know. You probably hate me for making all of the characters fight so much right now. Buuuut secrets will be revealed and characters will be developed as time goes on. But for now, things may have to get worse before they get better. I am excited for everyone to see what I have in store for these characters!