April 14, 2004
After tossing and turning for the entire night, I finally sit up in bed when I feel Nick get up from beside me.
"You okay?" He asks. "It didn't seem like you slept much last night."
"I kept you up?" I ask, my face falling into an expression of guilt.
He chuckles a bit. "Well it was hard to sleep with you moving every five minutes." He slides himself back onto the bed beside me, wrapping a bare arm around my waist. "But I'm not mad, so don't worry."
His touch causes me to flinch a bit, and he retracts himself immediately. I try to disguise it as a shiver to spare his feelings, but apparently nothing gets past this man anymore.
"Did I do something?" He asks, his face reminding me of a sad puppy dog.
"No, no," I assure him, trying to hold back another wince. "Damn Braxton-Hicks contractions. I was uncomfortable all night, but the false contractions have been bothering me for a bit. It's just a little tender is all."
"Crazy to think that our kid might be here next week, like an actual child."
His comment makes a tiny laugh escape, but I regret it the second it leaves my mouth. My body racks with pain, as it has been for the hour or so. This time I'm able to successfully veil my pain. Nick gets to his feet yet again, this time with a big stretch. He's in only his boxers, like he's slept most of the time since things went to shit. Before all this, everyone would have to beg Nick to put on a swimsuit and get in the pool. I'm glad that he's perfectly comfortable around me now.
"I'm gonna go see if there's anything to eat. If you need anything just yell and I'll come," he says.
"I'm feeling a little bit better, so I think I'm going to try and get some actual sleep," I say.
It's not a complete lie, I do feel a bit better than I did previously. The pain has been coming in waves, and right now it seems to be easing up a bit. Before Nick is even fully dressed, I feel myself fall into a painful and restless sleep.
I wake up what feels like five minutes later, although it was probably longer. The pain is back, this time in an excruciating wave. It's so incredibly agonizing that it nearly incapacitates me. My legs stick together, clammy with sweat. I fling the covers off of myself to cool myself down.
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
I gaze down at my newly uncovered body to see my lower half and the cushiony bed below it to be soaked. I take a massive gulp, trying to literally swallow my fear, but it does nothing to help.
Before I can get up to get help, another surge of pain runs through my body. I try to hold back, but a cry of pain escapes my mouth all too soon. My hand clasps over my mouth to soften my harsh cries.
Nick and his mom burst through the door not a minute later. Nick runs up to me, clueless and panicked, spitting out flurries of concerns. His mom approaches me slowly, but it only takes one look at me for her to mutter, "I'll go get Carlos," and scurry away.
I try to speak but I cannot find the words. My voice has been silenced between the physical pain and the mental strain. Nausea manifests in my body, and I'm barely given the chance to wildly gesture toward an empty bucket before yesterday's dinner comes hurling through my throat. Nick places the bucket in front of me at the last second. The last thing I want right now is to be covered in my own vomit.
Carlos and Martha come rushing in toting various items just as the pain is winding down. I realize now that what I had been experiencing for the past hour were in fact not Braxton-Hicks contractions, but instead the real deal. How could I have been so stupid? I guess my false labor contractions had been so intense in the past that I couldn't tell them apart from the real ones.
"Are you currently experiencing a contraction?" Carlos asks.
I shake my head, which is now actually starting to produce beads of sweat. "No, it just ended," I nearly have to pant the words out; I'm so out of breath.
"How close together are they?"
"Pretty damn close," I mutter. I haven't exactly been watching the clock, doc.
Nick helps me slide my underwear off, which is all I had been wearing on my lower half. As Carlos takes a look, I try to not be embarrassed about being half naked in front of my boyfriend's mom and a random dude that I met a day and a half ago. I quickly realize that this is an impossible task.
"You're already eight centimeters dilated. I think that you may be experiencing rapid labor," Carlos says, as stern as ever.
"Rapid labor?" I ask. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing."
"Well, it could be good or bad," he starts. "It makes things occur much quicker, obviously. However, it can be very taxing because you are given so little time to recover in between contractions."
Yeah, I think I got that part.
"It can also cause certain complications… But we are well prepared, so there is no reason to worry about that." He adds the last part as an afterthought.
"Are you good?" I ask Nick, who is standing against the wall a few feet away. He's been awfully quiet and distant since Carlos and his mom came in here, and he's as white as a ghost.
"Me? Yeah, I'm good. Great, actually. I mean, this is actually happening, like woah, and-"
"Nicholas." His mother says, gently, yet firm.
Martha's words immediately snap him out of his alarmed rambling state. He takes one look down at me, and it's enough to pull him back into the situation. He crouches beside me, taking my hand in his own. He looks at me like I'm the most beautiful creature he's ever seen, even though I know I look like an utter mess at the moment. "I'm here," he reassures.
I'm petrified, Nick is petrified, and even Martha looks mildly nervous, although she'd never admit to it. I can imagine that Luke is outside, a nervous wreck walking back and forth with his hands running through his hair. He probably feels powerless as an overprotective big brother, unable to do anything to help. Thankfully the only one of us that doesn't seem to be nervous is Carlos. If he was nervous I would probably pass out.
A sharp pain shoots through my body once more, causing me to cry out in pain and envelop Nick's hand in a killer grip. I squeeze my eyes shut firmly, shutting out all light from the world. Nick, Martha, and Carlos are all saying encouraging or soothing words, but my mind is too focused with pain to retain anything that they're saying. The pain never truly ends, but when it finally subsides a bit, I open my eyes.
"I believe it is time to push," Carlos says.
"What?!" I exclaim, using my free hand to wipe away a sweaty strand of hair that was glued to my face. "You said I was eight centimeters dilated? How do I go from eight centimeters to ten centimeters so quickly?!"
"With rapid labor, one can sometimes experience contractions and dilations differently. Regardless, it's time to push."
"Okay…. Okay…" I mutter followed by a few deep breaths.
It's the weirdest experience of my life. One minute my body feels like it's being ripped in half, and the next minute the room is filled with the soft cries of a baby.
"It's a girl!" Martha exclaims, the ghost of a tear in her eye.
"Here," Carlos says, handing a pair of scissors to Nick. "You cut the umbilical cord."
"What? Me? I can't-" he stutters.
"C'mon, go ahead Nick," his mom encourages.
I try to see what's going on, but I'm still in pain, and trying to prop myself up on my elbows proves to be nearly impossible.
I'm still a bit in shock when a few moments later, Martha hands me my baby wrapped in a towel. She's already cleaned off so I'm able to observe everything about her. She's tiny, with bright blue eyes and a head full of jet-black hair.
"Hi," I whisper down to her tiny figure, my eyes damp with tears. She blinks back at me. She's perfect.
I gently pass her to Nick for him to hold her for the first time. I can tell he's nervous as he tenderly takes hold of her. But the second he fully takes her in his arms, I see him melt. I see what is perhaps a single tear fall down his face, but I doubt he'd ever admit to it.
"We did good, didn't we?" He says. "Well, really you did it all. I just helped."
"You are very fortunate that you did not tear at all, so you don't require any stitches or further medical attention," Carlos says. Good to know. It hurts all the same, though.
"Is she okay? She's so little," I address Carlos.
"Let us take her for a few minutes and I can check over her."
I allow Carlos and Martha to take her, even though I don't want them to. I just finally got to meet her, and now she's being taken away again, but obviously I understand why.
I watch the two of them take her away, and I immediately begin to worry. "She's awfully tiny…"
"Don't worry; you did great," Nick says. He bends down and kisses my sticky forehead. "You were smaller than that when you were born, right?"
"Yeah… but I was born premature, and I had to be in the hospital for a few days after I was born."
Nick continues to reassure me, but I can't keep my eyes off of them across the room, and I can't keep my mind away from worries.
When they bring her back, I'm relieved to see a bright smile on Martha's face. Even Carlos, a peculiarly stern man, has the tiniest of grins on his face.
"I'm glad we got those small sizes of the cloth diapers for this little tiny thing," Martha says.
"I'm a bit worried about that…" I trail off. "Is she okay?"
"She's only about four pounds and five ounces, which is considerably small. Though, I don't think you have any need to worry. Due to your small stature and the circumstances, I believe she is just small. Obviously, I am lacking medical tools, but from what I conclude, she is functioning satisfactorily. As long as she eats well and gains weight over the next few weeks, I don't believe that there is any reason to be concerned. If you don't mind, I am going to go check on Sarah momentarily." Carlos leaves, softly closing the door behind him.
I sigh in relief and take her back in my arms. She's still awake and alert, but this time she's clothed in both a cloth diaper and a baby blanket. We had found some little baby caps, but because of her full head of hair, I don't think we'll have any use for them.
"Before she falls asleep, could you please go into my bag over there and get out that Polaroid camera, Martha? I want to take a picture."
Martha scurries over to my bag and comes back with the camera. Nick leans into me while I pull back the blanket enough so that the picture captures her face. Martha snaps the picture. As we wait for it to develop, I hope that it turns out well. The camera that I found didn't come with a lot of film, so I don't want to waste any. Thankfully I'm thrilled when Martha shows me the final product. Of course it's Polaroid film, so it's grainy and not that clear, but I'm just happy to have the opportunity to take a picture in the first place. Martha puts it in my photo album for me.
"When should I feed her?" I ask.
"If she's still awake you can try right now, but just know sometimes it takes awhile to get them to latch on, and it's not your fault-"
I smirk as she stops talking mid sentence, leaving her mouth hanging open. The baby latched on immediately, with me barely having to try anything.
"You're lucky. Nick took nearly six hours before I could get him to latch on, and even then, it took a few days before he was regularly latching on without a hassle."
After I finish feeding her, and practice burping her, she falls asleep quickly. I carefully scoot myself off the bed, trying not to wake her. The oversized shirt that I'm wearing falls down over my thighs as I stand.
"Woah, what are you doing?" Nick asks, standing in front of me with his arms out, in case I fall.
"Can you get me some new underwear and some pants please?" I ask him, ignoring the dull pains in my stomach.
"You're gonna put pants on right after having a baby?"
"Well, I'm not gonna invite everyone in when I have no pants on."
Martha steps beside me which allows me to transfer the baby into her arms. Nick tosses me my new clothes, but I realize that he tossed me a pair of his basketball shorts that he sometimes sleeps in. I suppose that they will be much more comfortable to wear than jeans.
"Could you also maybe swap out our mattress with a newer, cleaner one?" I ask in a joking manner.
He complies with a smile while I begin cleaning myself up a bit before dressing. I wince as I do so, trying and failing to ignore the sting. As I dress, I keep taking repeated glances at Martha who sits in the corner rocking the baby slowly in her arms. The baby is still sound asleep, but I continue to worry about her. She didn't cry much when she was born. Is that normal? And what if Martha drops her or isn't holding her correctly?
I shake the thoughts from my head. What am I thinking? Carlos said she seemed to be small, but mighty. And Martha is not only a former nurse, but also a mother; of course she won't drop the baby. Having worries about your newborn is perfectly normal, but I can't let these thoughts run wild.
"Does the baby have a name yet?" Martha says in a voice just short of a whisper.
I smile inwardly. I still have yet to say her name out loud to anyone other than Nick. "Yes, she does," I answer. "She has for a long time, but I think we'll wait to share it until everyone is in here."
"Oooo, I'll be on the edge of my seat until then."
Nick drops the new mattress on the floor in the place where the old one once stood. He stands back and wipes his brow with the sleeve of his shirt.
"I hate to boss you around, but do you think you could dispose of that bucket of my puke?" I ask. The bucket had once disappeared from my thoughts, but it's really started to stink in the last few minutes.
"I think you have a right to boss me around right now," he jokes.
He starts for the bucket, but Martha cuts him off. "Let me take care of this for you."
I settle back onto the new mattress in a sitting position with the baby in my arms and Nick at my side. As Martha heads off with a smile on her face, and a bucket of puke in her hands, I tell her to send in Luke and Pete.
The two of them come in as quietly as possible, slowly clicking the door shut behind them. They approach us on their tiptoes, as if they're afraid to set off an alarm or trap. I let out a light laugh once they reach us.
"It's okay; we can talk quietly. I think I can already tell that she's a pretty deep sleeper."
"So how do you feel?" Luke asks.
"My vagina hurts," I deadpan.
All three of the guys' faces contort into an awkward expression where their mouths gape open. Luke especially looks mortified as he opens and closes his mouth, unsure of what to say in response. Guys are so funny.
"Relax," I tell him, "I'm just messing with you. I didn't tear, and I didn't shit myself, so I'd say I feel pretty good right now, all things considered."
He lightens up and takes a step closer, trying to peer at the baby. I pull the blanket away from her face to give them a better view of her tiny face and all its tiny features. I hand her to Luke, who at first declined the offer out of worry, but soon welcomed her into his arms at my encouragement. He develops a big smile the second he begins holding her tiny form.
"Dang, she sure is tiny," Pete says, his voice barely over a whisper. "Got a full head a' hair too."
"You should see her eyes. Bright blue. She's a dead ringer for her dad," I say. I look up at Nick who is smugly smiling.
"You finally gonna' tell us her name?" Luke asks, sliding her back into my arms. She stirs ever so slightly, but she does not wake.
"Go get everyone, and then I'll tell you all."
Luke hurries off, muttering some complaint about how I've made him wait forever.
Everyone floods into the room. Sarah rushes in first, followed by her father who is urging her to slow down. Martha and Luke come in next, followed by Rebecca and Alvin. Alvin is, of course, as jolly as ever.
"Woah, a baby! I haven't seen a baby in forever!" Sarah shouts.
The baby stirs in my arms again, this time she wakes with her eyes fluttering open. She doesn't cry. Instead, she stares around the room, showing off her bright blue eyes.
"Sarah, apologize to Bea for shouting and waking the baby," Carlos admonishes his daughter.
Her face turns beat red, and she drops her eyes to the floor. Before she can respond, I speak up, "It's okay, Sarah. It's good for everyone to see her awake."
Luke clears his throat impatiently. "So… about that name…"
"Yes, Luke, I'll tell you her name now," I jokingly roll my eyes.
I look to Nick for his approval that he's ready.
"Go ahead. You're the one that's had it picked out for months."
"This…" I softly brush her curls with my hand. "...Is Evie Randall."
The group erupts into a chorus of 'awwwws.' Nick's head snaps toward me with a shy smile. We have had her name picked out for months, but we never discussed if she would have his last name or mine. I guess maybe he assumed that she would take my last name since we aren't married. But ever since I found out I was pregnant, I knew that I wanted her to have his last name. He doesn't say anything, but his smile says a thousand words.
The excitement dies down between everyone, and I'm somewhat glad when it does. My eyelids have been drooping ever so slightly for the past thirty or so minutes. I begin to tire quicker and quicker until I realize that I can't stay awake for much longer. I've been attempting to hide my fatigue, but I can't hide it any longer.
Nick catches on when my eyes close and my head falls to the side before I can catch myself. "Bea's looking pretty tired, so maybe we should give her some peace and quiet."
Everyone trickles out of the room, many of them giving words of encouragement or praise as they leave, but I'm too tired to remember anything specific. Nick takes Evie from my grasp and quickly notices that she already needs her first diaper change.
"I'll do it…" I offer, my voice trailing off to show my drowsiness.
"I got it, but uh, Mom do you think you could help me out the first time?" he asks Martha, who had stayed behind to finish cleaning up.
"Of course, dear."
I hear the sound of Martha praising Nick for how proud she is of him, which is enough to thrust me into a deep sleep with a smile on my face.
April 19, 2004
"Where's Nick?" Luke asks. He just got back from a run with Alvin. They head to the nearby creek everyday to bring back a large bucket of water. We boil it and then use it to clean Evie's dirty diapers. She's not even a week old yet, and I've already learned that cloth diapers are a pain in the ass to clean, especially when we don't have running water. But regular diapers are scarce, and we would need hundreds of them just to get us through the next few months, so I've learned to live with it.
"I'm letting him sleep in. Evie was a little fussy last night so Nick stayed up basically all night. He was worried she was sick."
"Is she okay" he asks.
I smirk. "Of course she is. Nick was just all worried about her." The day she was born, I was the one that was worried sick about every aspect about her. I've adjusted quite well to motherhood, if I do say so myself. I've relaxed quite a bit. Nick, on the other hand, can be a bit of a nervous mess at times when it comes to her and her well-being. Although he never actually admits to it, I can easily tell when he's nervous.
"Today's his birthday."
"I know. I feel bad that I couldn't get him a present."
Luke lets out a snort. "Leave it to Bea to be upset about not getting someone a birthday present in the middle of the apocalypse, four days after she gave birth."
He's got a point, but that doesn't stop me from feeling bad. I know that our normal lives have practically dissolved, but a part of me still longs to hold onto any bit of normalcy I can.
"All right, let me hold my niece," Luke says.
Luke sits beside me, and I pass Evie to him. She gives the tiniest yawn ever. She's been doing everything perfectly for the past few days, so I no longer worry about her well-being like I once did. As for me, I'm still sore, but otherwise I feel fine. And my pregnancy bump has already gone down quite a bit, which Martha says is quite lucky. It might be because I didn't have that big of a bump to begin with.
The others gather on the couch around us, except for Sarah who sits in her typical spot on the floor. She's doodling on a piece of paper that I gave to her.
"It really is nice having a baby around," Alvin says. "It gives me hope again, you know? Say-Bec, maybe one day we should have a baby of our own."
"Oh, I don't know…" Rebecca trails off. Alvin's face drops a bit at her hesitancy. She sees this and rephrases her statement. "I mean it seems pretty stressful, but maybe. You never know."
Luke smiles down at Evie, who has fallen back asleep. "Man, this is still so crazy. Like my little sister really had a baby, and my best friend is really the dad."
I playfully roll my eyes. We're going to be eighty and he's still going to be talking about it. It is an odd adjustment, especially since we've known Nick basically our whole lives, so I guess I'll let him have it.
"We still never got to hear the story about Luke being all crazy," says Alvin.
"Hey! I was not crazy!" Luke insists.
"He was totally crazy…" I mutter under my breath. Pete and Martha let out a chortle.
Luke hands Evie back to me and slides into the seat, like he's trying to disappear into the couch out of embarrassment.
"Oh, Bea and Nick always had eyes for each other. Everyone could see it, except Luke of course, because they'd hide it the second Luke came around," Martha says.
"Damn right," Pete says. "The way that boy was ogling her I had to give him 'the talk' real early. I'm more than surprised that this didn't happen much sooner."
This time it's my turn to be embarrassed, except I can't sink into the couch because I'm holding a baby.
"Well? How'd you two ever get together then?" Alvin asks.
"Alvin!" Rebecca smacks her husband's arm. "Don't be so nosey!"
I laugh. "It's fine. Like I told you before, I was in my new college apartment when shit hit the fan. Nick picked me up and on the way back to our families we stopped for the night and… shit happened."
Luke suppresses a gag.
"Fast forward about a month later. I realized I was pregnant and Nick freaked out because he thought Luke and Pete would kill him. When Luke found out there was this huge fight. I could barely even be in the same room as Nick without it being a big ordeal. Martha finally talked some sense into Luke, and it's been great since. Well, in terms of my relationship with Nick." I can't say everything else between then and now has been great, though.
"I can definitely see Luke playing the overprotective big brother role, but I couldn't see him being an asshole about it. Luke's so… well mannered," Alvin says.
I have to stifle my laugh so that I don't wake up Evie.
Luke covers his face with his hands. "Okay, okay. I know I was an idiot asshole and I messed up, but do we have to keep talking about it?"
"Luke had his reasons. We went through something tough as kids, so I don't resent him for it. He truly thought he was helping. I will say that I'm glad he came to his senses, though." I'm glad that no one presses me on what we experienced as kids. That is not a story that I am prepared to tell again, especially to people that I've barely known a week.
I get a whiff of a stinky smell, which alerts me that Evie needs her diaper changed. I dismiss myself from the couch and head into the bedroom to find Nick just starting to wake up.
"Why didn't you wake me?" He asks. "I should've been up and helping you with her."
"Relax, you needed your sleep. You were up all night, which let me get quite a bit of sleep. It's the least I could do. But Evie has a stinky diaper now."
"Let me take care of it," he offers.
"Or," I counter, "We could do it together." With having to clean the cloth diapers, it's practically a two person job anyway.
Nick removes the dirty diaper, wads it up, and hands it to me. As he gets a clean diaper put on her, I get the fun part of washing the dirty diaper in the tub full of water. As I clean, I glance out the window. Our window has been mostly boarded up for our own safety, but I can still see the outside landscape through the cracks. About twenty feet outside the building is a lurker stumbling around. It's a reality check for me. I've been cooped up inside this building for a week straight. No matter the circumstances, I can't let myself get comfortable. I can't let myself forget what it's like out there.
After I finish, I wash my own hands in a different bucket with clean water.
Nick hands Evie back to me. "I'll take the dirty water outside and dump it."
He reaches for the tub full of dirty water, but I stop him with one hand, while using the other hand to hold Evie. "Wait."
He looks at me expectantly. "It's your birthday!" I say.
"Hmm…" He grins a bit. "I didn't even know."
"Twenty-four…. Gettin' up there," I joke.
"Oh please, you're not even a full two years behind me," he jokes back.
"I feel bad that I couldn't find you a present…"
"Bea, it's the end of the word. Don't worry about getting me a present," he says almost the same thing that Luke said earlier.
"Besides," he says, "I have everything I need."
Author's Note: Evie has finally made her appearance! I've been waiting for this for a long time. And the next chapter will be the start of this story starting to take a very interesting direction that I am really excited for. Updates should be more regular/often now!