Chapter Fourteen
For four days Seto tried to bury himself in his work. There was surely enough of it. Without Kisa manning the desk for the week he had to screen his calls and manage his schedule along with all his other duties. There were meetings to keep, budgets to manage, plans to draw up for the Hoffmann project. There were a million things to do, but he couldn't seem to focus on any of them.
He'd expected Kisa to call that Monday morning and tell him that she was never coming back, that she never wanted to see him again. The thought of it kept him from sleeping. He'd tossed and turned. The dread, the sharp pain of regret and loss, all served to dig him deeper into despair.
In his mind, he deserved no less.
Monday came and went, but the call never did. He considered calling the agency himself, if only to get it over with before he could hear her voice again. He would reach for the phone, even pick it up, but each time he put it back down. Even through his despair, there was a small dim light of hope.
Kisa would have wanted to call herself. The fact that she hadn't was hope enough.
It wasn't logical. He knew that ending her employment was the right thing to do. Not only did their relationship constitute a severe conflict of interest, but she'd lied to stay close to him. If she'd done it once, she could do it again. The only question was, how much more was she keeping from him?
Then, in the dead of night, he would remember the feel of her skin, the taste of her lips, the steady addictive rhythm that came so naturally when they were together. He woke up every night wanting her, needing her.
That Thursday would be the first time in years Seto had taken off work, not just because his lack of sleep was making it impossible to make a dignified appearance, but because he had an appointment to keep. His therapist.
The office of Doctor Riku Angevin was located in the heart of the business district of Domino City, on a floor of a highrise that housed a variety of healthcare specialties. The courts assigned her to his case after Gozaburo Kaiba's death. He continued to see her for three years, through the stress of restructuring Kaiba Corporation, and up to a year beyond his experience with the woman he would rather forget. She was the only psychiatrist in all of Domino who knew his history and, if he had his way, she would forever be the only one.
Dr. Angevin ran a small office, with only two other partners in her practice. Seto had never seen them. Dr. Angevin was very accommodating to his need for privacy. The small waiting area was always empty when he arrived for his appointments. It smelled of lavender and hummed with the distant crash of waves from a hidden sound machine.
It made him uneasy. He wasn't some gibbering mental case. He wasn't two sheets to the wind or hopped up on coke. He wasn't one bad day away from ending it all.
Not anymore. He was a respectable businessman. A pillar of society.
Seto couldn't sit. He stood at the single window overlooking the city, hands in his pockets. A door to his left opened and his head whipped around, heart in his throat.
If Vinzent Hoffmann was how Seto imagined a grandfather to be, Dr. Riku Angevin was how he imagined most mothers to be. She was at least twice his age, short and stocky, with hair the color of old straw and eyes that seemed to have the unsettling ability to look into you. He'd never seen her in a doctor's coat, with its starched white panels and mothball smell. In the winter she wore thick pastel sweaters and pleated slacks. In the summer she wore flowy blouses in similar colors and skirts that hit no lower than her knee.
"Mr. Kaiba, good morning." She smiled with good-natured familiarity. "Come on in."
The room where she saw her patients was as organized as it had always been. To the left were shelves of medical journals and reference books and wicker baskets full of various anxiety-relieving tools. Puzzles, stress balls of every shape and color, fidget toys. Her desk was organized clutter, with her pastel green laptop surrounded by stacks of post-it pads, jars of pens, pencils, and highlighters, notebooks, and a rose gold organizer that held patient folders. At the back of the room was a plush couch and a wide armchair with a clipboard sitting on it. The file attached to it had Seto's name scrawled across it in Dr. Angevin's delicate hand.
Seto stopped to examine the spines of the books. "Your office hasn't changed much."
"I try not to change things." Dr. Angevin closed the door. "I find it makes my patients more comfortable if I keep things consistent." She picked up the clipboard and settled herself in her chair, crossing one leg over the other. "Let's see…" She flipped open the file. "It's been… three years since our last appointment. How have you been?"
"Fine."
Dr. Angevin fixed him with a steady, non-judgemental stare. "Mr. Kaiba, you would not have called me if you were 'fine'." She slipped something from underneath the file. "Am I correct in assuming this has something to do with these?"
She handed him a pile of clippings from various tabloid magazines throughout Domino City. There were the articles that started it all. The fight at Blue Wind, Seto and Kisa entering her apartment building. There were others as well, some even he hadn't seen. Shots of Seto escorting Kisa out of Kaiba Corporation during the initial frenzy. Her in his car. At the airport. There were a few from their time in Berlin, traveling between meetings with Hoffmann Enterprises, to restaurants, shops, and the hotel.
Then the images became more scandalous, harder to justify. Seto and Kisa leaving the hotel for the club. Shots of Kisa on stage, with him visible in the corner of the frame.
His heart sank as he continued to flip. All strength left his legs and he had to sit on the couch across from his doctor. Someone had gotten a clear shot of Seto and Kisa in the alley right after the show. After that was Seto outside Kisa's new house, her hand on the back of his thigh.
Finally, what seemed to be play-by-play shots of Seto storming out of the house that night. Yelling at her. Grabbing her. Her shoving him.
Seto leaned forward on his knees and rubbed a hand over his face.
"I'm not here to pass judgment on you, Mr. Kaiba." Dr. Angevin's voice was soft, full of patience and understanding. "I know very well how stubborn you can be. You would not have contacted me if you were 'fine'. Jumping into a relationship like this would be stressful for anyone, especially considering your history."
"It's more complicated than that," Seto said.
"Then let's start from the beginning. How did this all start?"
So Seto talked. About his returning nightmares, how they had been slowly decreasing in frequency and severity until the end of June. About the growing tension between him and Mokuba, how their relationship appeared tenuous at best and completely fractured at worst.
"Have you considered sitting down and talking to him?" Dr. Angevin asked. "Mokuba was only nine when you took over the company. It may be helpful to discuss the situation with him directly."
Seto rubbed his palms together. "There are things he doesn't need to know."
"I don't know if need is the issue, Mr. Kaiba. To me, and keep in mind that this is my interpretation, it feels as if you're afraid that you will disappoint him. You are uncomfortable with the idea of stepping outside the role you put yourself in, as his protector so to speak. A protector can't afford to be emotionally attached to their charge. A guardian, however, a brother, has the privilege of that connection."
"Privilege, huh?"
Dr. Angevin nodded. "I'm not saying it will be easy. You've kept yourself emotionally distant from him for years. I recommend you start small. Taking Mokuba out for his birthday was a good first step, you should continue on that track until you feel ready to start talking."
"And when will that be?"
"That, unfortunately, is not something I can give a definite timetable. All I can say for certain is that, when the time is right, you'll know."
"You always make these things sound so simple."
"Saying it is the easy part. Doing it takes work. The process of repairing and healing your relationship with Mokuba won't start until you make an effort to make it happen."
Unable to put it off any longer, Seto talked about Kisa.
He told Dr. Angevin everything, from the beginning. Mrs. Shiratori's medical crisis, the sudden need to replace her, and everything that seemed to kick off from the moment Kisa walked into his life. The familiarity, the attraction, the desire. He had never felt so strongly for anyone, not even that woman, for whenever he talked about her she was always 'that woman'.
Kisa was the whirlwind that uprooted every precaution he had ever put in place for himself. A tornado. A temptation. He'd felt attracted to her from the beginning, and that was terrifying. He liked her. He desired her. There was a part of him that also hated and feared her.
"How so?" Dr. Angevin asked.
She had long since put down her clipboard. She sat with her hands clasped around one knee, her brow creased as she listened, absorbing everything he said. Every inflection. Every hitch in his voice. Seto suspected that no matter how much he tried to mask how much certain events had affected him, Dr. Angevin wouldn't be fooled. She knew him too long.
"She knows me." There was a hard lump in Seto's throat. He tried to swallow past it. "She knows me from before Gozaburo."
"From the orphanage?"
"Before that."
Dr. Angevin's eyes went wide. "Was this something she told you?"
"Not until Sunday." Seto's hands clenched together, knuckles fading white. "I should have known. I should have suspected. She had always been too comfortable with me, like she knew me and I- It was as if my body knew her. When I looked at her there would be this insistent nagging in the back of my mind. Everything about her felt too familiar. I tried to ignore it, but then I would hear these voices whenever she was with me."
Dr. Angevin's brows shot up. "Voices? Do you mean Gozaburo, like before?"
"I've been hearing him again too, but these are different. It feels like I should know them. They're familiar, but I can't remember who they were or where I'd heard them say these things. Then the night I slept with her I saw something. A boat on a river at night. I could almost feel how cold it was."
"Has this happened since?"
"Twice. Both last Sunday."
"Were they of the same thing? The boat on the river?"
"No. The first was a bonfire by a river. The next was a soccer game. She was in that one."
Seto forced his hands to relax. His palms were covered in sweat. He wiped them on his knees. Dr. Angevin picked up her clipboard and started flipping through his file.
"I'm not crazy," Seto said.
"I don't think you are. I just had to check something. Do you remember what you said when you first started seeing me? When I asked you about your family history."
"I said I didn't have any family. They abandoned us."
"What about before that? You remember the car that dropped you and Mokuba off, but do you remember anything about the people inside? Or perhaps about how you two lived before you were dropped off. Who took care of you? Where did you go to school?"
"What are you getting at?"
"I am merely saying that you were eleven when you and your brother were left at the orphanage. He may have been too young to remember anything from before, but you may still have some memories that have been suppressed by the abuse you suffered from Gozaburo."
"You're saying I forgot."
"Dissociative Amnesia is common, especially in cases like yours where the abuse was severe and prolonged. It is merely a part of your Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and how your mind has adapted to protect you until you are prepared to handle the trauma. It could be that those protections are beginning to break down so the healing process can begin. It could also be that Miss Kisa's presence has triggered the process. You may not consciously remember her, but there may be a part of you that does and feels safe enough with her to start the process."
Seto looked at his hands, flexed his fingers.
"How do you feel about her?" Dr. Angevin asked. "Consciously, I mean."
"Right now, I'm pissed." His voice was somber. "She kept this from me. She lied to me."
"I hate to repeat her question, but what good would that have done? Would you have been willing to sit with her and listen?"
"Not at the time."
"And what about now? You two have surely gone so far in your relationship that this cannot just be put aside and forgotten."
"After how I treated her I can't imagine she'll want to be around me for much longer."
"Do you know that for sure?"
"I haven't heard anything from her in four days. I think that's proof enough."
"She also may be taking the time to process her feelings. One blowout argument does not constitute the ending of a relationship. All couples argue, it is just a fact of life. You will have disagreements and you both will do things that annoy or upset the other. What decides if a relationship will end or not is both party's willingness to work through the issue that caused the tension in the first place."
"What would you recommend then?"
"Text her. Keep that line of communication open. Trust that when she is ready she will come to you."
Seto left the session with a prescription for something to help him sleep and a lighter weight on his shoulders. The weight was still there, but it was not as heavy as when he'd walked in. He thought he could work now. There were piles of unread emails flooding his mailbox, some of which had been sent by Hoffmann himself, but they had been written in German. Without Kisa's help, they were useless. He would have to make do with a translation software until he learned whether she would, or would not, be returning to work on Monday.
Seto climbed into his car and, before starting for home, did what Dr. Angevin suggested. He brought up Kisa's number and composed a short, simple text.
'Can we talk?'
His fingers hesitated over the little green 'send' button long enough for a single discouraging thought to cross his mind, then he hit it anyway.
It was done. Now it was time to get back to business.