Chapter Twenty-One

6/21/08

Dear Seto,

Mom got your new address from the guys who were at your house today. It's been two weeks, but I haven't heard from you. Everyone's asking where you went. Middle school's starting soon. I wish we were gonna be in the same class again. How's Mokuba? Mom found his rabbit in the trash. I know he can't sleep without it. I'll have Mom send it. She said we should wait until I hear back, so we know we've got the right address.

I miss you. Write back soon, kay?

Kisa

7/3/08

Dear Seto,

Mom's really sick. She went in for surgery on her back today. That displaced disk thing she's been talking about. She came home early. Mom and Aunt Moriko were crying. I don't know what's going on. I'm scared.

Kisa

7/31/08

Mom died today. Aunt Moriko says it was cancer. It'd been growing inside her for years. Aunt Moriko's staying with us for a while. I don't know what to do. Please talk to me. Seto where are you? I need you.

Seto lowered the stack of wrinkled, tear-stained, letters. "Cancer."

"Breast cancer, to be specific." Aunt Moriko put a cup of coffee next to Seto's elbow. "That's what killed Kisa's gramma too. I hear that kinda thing can be genetic."

"And Kisa, she's-

"No, thank God." She sat down. "She's been good about keepin an eye on things. No signs yet. God willing, she won't ever get it."

Seto flipped through the next few letters, all short, all desperate. The next letter he stopped at was different from the others. There was no date, but the handwriting indicated that many years had gone by.

I'm such a fuck up.

Aunt Moriko and Uncle Yuugi hate me. Threatened to kick me out.

I can't do this anymore. Everything would be better if I wasn't here.

Miku, Rin, I'm sorry.

Seto, I miss you.

Goodbye

Aunt Moriko's fingers trembled against her cup.

Seto struggled to swallow. "She didn't-"

"She did." Aunt Moriko let go of her cup, put her head in her hands. "There was this huge fight before Miku's dance recital. After you left, after her mama died, Kisa started acting out. She got in with this group of no goods at the high school. Didn't know how bad it was." She covered her mouth and clenched her eyes shut. "I thought she were goin through a phase, you know. Thought she'd grow out've it. It was worse. Drugs… Alcohol… the whole lot. I was so busy with the little ones I didn't notice how much she was hurtin."

She took a shaky breath. "We left for the recital at, oh… six o'clock. Yuugi'd found some dope in her room. He was pissed. Wanted to kick her out, but I'd promised Yuuka I'd take care of them. All of them. I had to go back, make sure she didn't run away. So I dropped Yuugi and the girls at the school and went back to talk to her. I didn't think…"

Seto let the letters fall to the table. His hands were in his hair.

This is your fault.

He clenched his eyes shut. "If I hadn't been so determined to forget."

"You stop that." Aunt Moriko grabbed his face, forced him to look up into her watery eyes. "There was no way you could've known. You were just a boy. Your life wasn't under your control. Blame your bitch of an aunt, if anyone. She sent each'a these letters back. Last one she put in her own sayin we'd better leave them alone or we'd end up sued. I should'a known then that she hadn't kept you. She hadn't wanted you from the beginning. Yuuka and I should'a fought harder to keep you, damn whatever Yuugi said. I would'a took you in."

A small smile curled Seto's mouth despite himself. "You would have lost. That's how the system works."

"Blood before all. Bah!" She threw up her hands. "Bunch'a bullshit. Blood was all that woman ever had with you two. Didn't care to visit when you were babies. Not a single birthday present. Nada!" She picked up her cup, put it to her lips. "Oh… if I had the opportunity."

Seto chuckled, shaking his head. He turned back to the letters and flipped to the next one.

My therapist says it'd be good to write letters to someone. Something about working out stuff by pretending to tell a friend about it. Sounds like bullshit. Who the hell would I write to? Those piece of shit friends of mine left me high and dry. Can't write to Miku or Rin. They're just kids.

Okay. Here we go.

March 8, 2013

Dear Seto,

I royally fucked up this time.

After mom died, I kinda went off the handle. Been starting fights at school. Got in a lot of trouble for beating up this prissy blond chick for making fun of my hair. Uncle Yuugi really got on me about that. Didn't stick though. They're so busy taking care of Miku and Rin, they hardly have time to deal with me. That's fine. I learned to like it.

I got in with these guys when I got to high school. Thought they were cool. They treated me real sweet, said they understood what I was going through, and could help. I actually believed them. So stupid. Went to a party with them at homecoming and got drunk. I think one of them felt me up, I can't remember. They made me feel special, you know? One of their parents grew weed. Now that was fun. Can you imagine? Sitting around, blowing smoke, feeling like the world is just mellow. Hadn't felt that in a while.

Anyway, I got in this huge fight with Uncle Yuugi a while back. He found drugs in my room. Yelled at me. Threatened to toss me out. I told him to do it. Said I'd rather be on my own anyway. You know what he said. You won't believe it. He said mom would've been disappointed if she was still alive. Actually said that her and dad expected better from me.

I guess that's what did it. You were gone. Mom was gone. I thought my aunt and uncle hated me. I wanted to be done. If Aunt Moriko hadn't come home when she did

Sorry. This is so dumb. I know you're never going to read this, but I'm still getting weepy.

You know, it's weird. I actually feel a little better, like I actually talked to you.

I hope you and Mokuba are okay. I know it's been, like, five years, but I still miss you. I wish you were here to stop me from doing all this stupid shit. You would've stuck by me, like you did after my dad died.

You remember that day we played chess at your dad's house. It was raining and he made up this new game. It was lame, but man it was fun, wasn't it? Your dad pretended to be the dragon holding me hostage and you rode in and saved me.

I needed that, I guess, for you to ride in on a big white horse and save the day. Save me.

So much for fairy tales, huh?

Anyway, I'm probably gonna end up doing this for a while. I've got three more months in rehab, then I'll be allowed to go home. There's some cool people here, kids our age who got messed up too. There's this one girl, Takako, she's half German-half Japanese. She's been in longer than me, keeps getting sent back cause her home life sucks ass. She's pretty cool. Maybe we can be, I don't know, "rehab buddies"? Keep each other clean. That kind of thing.

Aunt Moriko's bringing Miku and Rin up for a visit today. I hope I don't scare them. I feel gross.

I'll write again soon.

Kisa

There were dozens of therapy letters just like the first. The slow progress of Kisa's recovery was, at times, as painful to read about as it was hopeful. There were more bad days than good in the beginning, days where she was sick and moody, sick of everything, even herself. Then things seemed to even out. She felt better most of the time. She went back to school, kept up with her therapist and her new friend, Takako.

Seto thought back to the woman he'd met in Germany, how she said Kisa had saved her life. He'd been unconvinced then, couldn't understand how. Now he got it. When she'd said it, she'd meant it literally.

He continued to flip. There was a large gap at the end of the pile, where her letters stopped for over a year, until...

May 16, 2015

Dear Seto,

I think this is going to be the last time I write to you. Everything's been going so well, but I figured I'd do this one more time before I left.

Uncle Yuugi is paying for me and Takako to go to Europe as a graduation present. He told me, oh no, this is gonna make me cry. He told me that he was proud of me, that I was able to pull myself out of that dark place I was in. He actually apologized for everything he'd said. Okay, well, it's not the first time he's apologized for it. He keeps thinking he has to. He thinks it was his fault I tried to kill myself. I mean, he's not wrong, but I'm not gonna tell him that. He's been sick lately and he doesn't need me piling on him.

It's leukemia. Cancer, like what took mom.

I hate that shit. I wish it would just go away. Aunt Moriko said I'm at risk for it too, cause of mom, so I'm keeping an eye on my… stuff. You know, boob stuff. Not that you probably care, or maybe you do, I don't know. I've got this image of you in my head, you know. It always changes. Like, today I think you're probably some big tech guy like your dad was. A prude. Probably still a virgin too! Haha! I'm joking.

I wish you could write back, let me know which is right. Are you a tech guy? A soccer star? Maybe you're saving baby elephants in Africa, I don't know.

Me? I don't know what I want to do. Aunt Moriko gave me dad's old guitar when I got back from rehab. I can still belt out a few notes. Maybe I'll do that, move out to Hollywood and become a star. Then you'll see me, recognize me, and maybe even call me. Wouldn't that be something?

"Hey, yeah, so this is Seto, that boy you had a big crush on in elementary school. Wanna go out or something?"

Oh man, that would be hilarious! I probably look like a freak. Sitting here, writing, laughing to myself. They're gonna send me back to the looney bin.

Anyway, I gotta go. Uncle Yuugi's taking us all out to eat tonight. I just wanted to do this one last time. I still miss you. Maybe we'll see each other again someday. Give my love to Mokuba for me. He'll be thirteen now, right? I bet he's a handful.

Take care of yourself,

Kisa

"What happened to Uncle Yuugi?" Seto asked.

Aunt Moriko picked up their cups. "He passed away while Kisa was overseas. London, I think. She was crushed she couldn't get back in time. We got this live feed set up so she could watch it though." She went to the sink and lifted the coffee pot from the machine. "About a month later we got this huge bouquet from her and her friends. That Takako was one'a the best things to happen to that girl. Wasn't thrilled when she came home all tattooed up like that, but," She shrugged, "wasn't nothin I could do about it."

Seto placed the letters back in the box and closed the lid. "I never understood why you and Uncle Yuugi never had any children."

"Wasn't for a lack of wanting on my part." Aunt Moriko started washing the dishes. "Flat out told me after we married that he didn't want no brats running around. Hated them, I think."

"Why didn't you leave him?"

She jerked a shoulder. "I loved him, and I was young. Think I believed he'd change his mind someday. Then Juro died and we kinda became second parents to the girls. Think he grew to love them… eventually. Might not'a wanted them, but he tried to be the best man he could be for them." She was scrubbing the coffee pot, but Seto thought he heard a smile in her voice. "You five were like my children. That's enough for me."

"Thank you, Aunt Moriko."

She looked back at him, arms covered in soapy water up to the elbows. "Son, you don't need to thank me."

"I do. If you hadn't come back that night, I never would have known about this." He tapped the top of the shoebox. "I never would have remembered my mother and father. I would have gone on never knowing Kisa existed."

Aunt Moriko grabbed a hand towel. "You two always had a thing for each other. We used to say, Yuuka, Noriko, and I, we had this feelin you two'd end up together. Would've happened sooner if-" She threw her hands in the air, spraying the room with water droplets. "I'm done thinkin' about that woman. All she does is make me mad."

Seto chuckled, wiping water from his face. The sound caught in his throat when Aunt Moriko came over and embraced him. Her arms were warm and soft.

Familiar.

"I'm glad you're home, Seto," she said. "Promise not to be a stranger after you go back to that big city'a yours."

Seto held her arms, but didn't push away. "I promise."

"Good." She backed up and swatted his head with her towel. "Now get out there and talk to yer girl. Probably worryin herself sick. Take a jacket with you too, it's a bit nippy out there."

The moon illuminated the path to the dock, where Kisa lay with her arms spread wide and her legs dangling off the side at the knees. It was just as he had seen it in his memory, with the sky reflected in the water, creating the illusion that they were floating in space. The little sailboat was tethered where Juro Miyoshi's workboat had once been, its sails folded and tied securely against the autumn breeze. Kisa had her eyes closed and Seto thought for a moment that she'd fallen asleep.

They opened at the sound of his footsteps on the worn wooden slates and she spoke to the sky. "You still like me?"

Seto stopped by her head and dangled her jacket over her. "Enough to bring you a coat."

"My hero." Kisa sat up, took the jacket, and put it on. "I didn't wanna look like an idiot going back to get it."

"There was no need to run out in the first place."

She pulled her legs up and tucked her knees under her chin. "Jury's still out on that one. I just… I don't like talking about it. It's like you and your adoptive father, I guess. It doesn't feel like it's a part of me anymore, but I still have to live with it."

Seto sat next to her, arm resting on his knee. "Meaning?"

Kisa pulled back her left sleeve, revealing the dragon tattoo around her wrist. "I didn't like looking at them. I thought if I covered them up, I wouldn't have to talk about them anymore. Jokes on me, I guess."

Seto took her wrist and ran his thumb over her pulse. The raised scars were barely noticeable. Thin and faded to the point where he had to close his eyes and concentrate to find them.

Her smile was strained. "Good thing I did a shit job, huh?"

"No." He put her wrist to his lips. "It's a good thing your aunt returned when she did."

"Here I thought you wouldn't wanna touch me anymore."

"You're not the only one with scars."

When Seto didn't continue, Kisa's smile fell. "You adoptive father."

He let her arm fall, but kept his fingers gently wrapped around her wrist. "There are not a lot of people who know the extent of it. I've done my best to keep it quiet, even from Mokuba. He doesn't need to hear what I went through to keep him safe. It would only make him feel responsible."

"Can you tell me?"

"That, I have been debating since yesterday. You have a right to know before things get… before things get more serious than they already are."

She laced their fingers together. "I want to know you, Seto."

He looked down at their connected hands, marveled at how they so perfectly fit together. The warmth, the pressure, the way her thumb rubbed firm and comforting against his. Seto turned to the river, watched the moon play off the rippling waves, felt the breeze play through his hair.

"The little you know already is true, but it goes deeper than that. My lessons were long and difficult. There were things a child my age shouldn't have been learning, but he was persistent." Seto shook his head. "No. He was relentless. When I succeeded, I was praised. Clothes, toys, extravagant dinners. When I failed-" He swallowed hard. "When I failed, the riding crop was his favorite punishment."

Kisa's fingers twitched. "He hit you?"

"Often. In the beginning, at least." Seto's voice went dull, with a steady monotonous tone. "I learned to keep my opinions to myself."

He hated it.

"He smoked cigars. I hated the smell. When he had the notion, he would make me pull my shirt up so he could use them on me." He smiled, soft and bitter. "I think he thought those punishments special."

"That's why you never take your shirt off."

"I couldn't let you see them." A shiver ran up his spine. "I can't bear for anyone to touch them, not since that first time. It brings back memories. The pain. His voice. It's like I'm there."

"You should've told me."

"It's easier not to explain." Seto let out a shaky breath and combed a hand through his hair. "I never thought I could tell anyone this again. It took all I had the first time."

Kisa let her legs dangle over the dock. "What do you mean?"

"I told you Gozaburo died, but not the circumstances. It gets… messy from here. Are you sure you want to hear it?"

Kisa kept her eyes locked on his. "I can handle it."

Seto looked to the river and the trembling reflection of the moon. He felt like that on the inside, sick and shaky. "Some of Gozaburo's associates were… handsy. They like young boys, you see. Mrs. Shiratori managed to keep them off of me when he took me to the office, but she couldn't be with me all the time."

"And they just got away with it?" The righteous anger in her voice was almost comforting."Why didn't you tell someone?"

Seto whipped his head around and glared at her, lip curling into a sneer. "Who would I tell? Mrs. Shiratori would have lost her job. Good samaritans tried, but Gozaburo had the money and clout to buy away the controversy. As far as the system was concerned, we were adopted and out of their hands."

Kisa recoiled from the hostility, her hand slipping from his.

Every ounce of anger seeped out of Seto, leaving him feeling empty and hateful to himself. "Besides, he had the perfect bargaining chip."

The realization dawned over her and her mouth dropped open. "Mokuba."

"He was used against me constantly. Whenever I pushed back he would threaten to toss me aside and move on to Mokuba instead. So I played the good son. I did as I was told. I studied hard. When old men got touchy, I learned to disassociate."

"I'm sorry."

He scoffed. "If only that was all of it."

"It gets worse?"

"Gozaburo held a dinner party one night hosting a majority of his overseas clients. It was going to be one of those under-the-table deals that would have been quite lucrative, if not legal. I was forced to sit there next to him like some trophy to be appraised. They were in negotiations so late into the night that I was sent to bed. I was asleep when he worked out a 'special arrangement' with one of them." Seto bowed his head. "It was two in the morning when Gozaburo let him into my room."

Kisa took his hand again, cautiously, her fingers trembling. "How old were you?"

"Fourteen." Seto fisted a hand in his hair, pulled tight. "I froze. I'd trained myself to disassociate for so long, I couldn't do anything to stop it. I just did what I always did." His nails dug into his scalp. "I just laid there and let it happen."

"Seto…" Kisa wrapped an arm around his shoulders, traced firm circles into his palm. "It wasn't your fault. Nothing that happened was-"

"He would've let them do it to Mokuba. He was nine."

Her fingers stopped.

Seto's voice cracked. "That was all I could think. If I didn't comply, he would have just as easily let that man into Mokuba's room. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't give him the chance to go back on his word. I knew where he kept his guns. He'd threatened me with them often enough."

He laughed, short and bitter. "You know… I almost didn't do it. I kept thinking, what would happen to Mokuba? If I went to jail, would he just get thrown back into the system? I would lose him. I'd never see him again. I'd promised, that day we were left at the orphanage, I promised I would keep him safe. Then he said it, that one thing that tipped me over the edge."

Seto repeated the words. Oh, you'll keep him safe. I assure you that.

Kisa stiffened.

"I pulled the trigger," he said. "Someone in the house called the authorities. I don't know who it was."

"What happened after that?" she asked.

"It was a mess." Seto slipped his hand from his hair, let it hang over his knee. "There was a criminal investigation. The man who- That man was extradited for trial, along with a few others they discovered in Gozaburo's files. There was a whole web of underground activity to parse through. The court ended up not charging me with murder. In their minds, I was defending myself and Mokuba."

"Damn right!"

Seto's chuckle was half-hearted. "You're blunt, I'll give you that."

"I just call it like I see it." Kisa's fingers resumed their caressing. "Safe to assume you guys weren't put back in the system."

"No, we were legally his sons and with the amount of money I was set to inherit, I had my lawyer file for emancipation. I was given full rights as an adult by sixteen and named Mokuba's legal guardian. You know the rest."

Kisa combed her fingers through his hair, straightening what he'd dislodged. "I'm proud of you."

Seto closed his eyes, felt the warmth of her words seep through his veins. "That means something coming from you."

"How much does Mokuba know?"

"Nothing, if I can help it."

"Come on, he's not a kid anymore. If you told him I think he'd understand you better. I don't think he'd try and fight you as much."

"I can't have him knowing how broken I am."

Kisa leaned into him, head resting on his shoulder. After a while, she asked, "You remember that old vase mom used to have? The white one with the blue flowers."

"What does that have to do with-?"

"We broke it. We were… what, six? Seven? We were running around the house and one of us bumped into it and knocked it over. Can't remember which one of us it was. Anyway, dad helped us fix it. He glued the pieces back together and we covered up the cracks with gold glitter glue. You remember what she said when she got home?"

Seto's brow creased. He shook his head.

"She said it was more beautiful than before. I think I took something from that I didn't think about until after I got out of rehab and started getting better. Something like, 'it can take a lot of time and a hell of a lot of effort, but sometimes broken things are even better once they're put back together'."

"You get that one from Aunt Moriko?"

"Nope! This one's all me." She kissed him, quick and chaste. "You pulling yourself out of all that, putting yourself back together, it makes you beautiful."

Seto thought his heart was going to burst. He kissed her. He held her face, ran his fingers across the chill of her cheeks and neck. He wanted to hold her, possess her, melt into her. She filled the cracks and empty spaces, covered them in gold and glitter, and made them shine.

Kisa pulled back laughing and pressed their foreheads together. "You remember that night on the river?"

"Which one?"

"It was that last summer before dad died. I asked you a question. You remember what it was?"

"Remind me."

"If I tell you something…"

"...you promise not to run away?"

They sat in silence for a long time after setting up their little campsite on her dad's workboat, looking up at the stars. It was nice being allowed to get away from the younger kids for a while. They'd thrown a fit, like they always do, but Rin was still too little and neither Miku nor Mokuba knew how to swim.

Seto didn't mind the quiet. Hell, he would have gone anywhere and done anything Kisa wanted to do, all she had to do was ask. After the U11 finals, after she'd kiss his face, he would've jumped in the river if she told him to, no matter how mad their parents would be.

He'd almost missed the question the first time she'd asked. Her voice had been so soft, he'd thought it was just a whistle on the breeze.

"Sure, what's up?"

"Um…" Kisa kicked her legs, heels beating against the hull with a hollow sound. "If I told you I like you, what would you say?"

Heat rose into his face and he looked away. "I like you too, Kisa."

She shook her head. Her cheeks were pink, even in the white glow the moon cast over her skin. "Not like that. I mean, like how mom and dad liked each other. I- I think… I think I…"

"...love you."

Seto's fingers were shaking as he caressed his thumbs across her cheeks. He stared into her eyes. They swam with emotions he could not fathom. Love. Adoration. Whatever it was, he could not breathe under the intensity of her hooded gaze. If there had ever been a time to say it, it was then. He opened his mouth as if to, but his tongue felt thick and heavy.

Fear coiled, tight around his insides, forced his mouth shut. It swirled, mixed.

Love and fear.

Hope and despair.

He tried to push it away, but Gozaburo's voice whispered in the back of his mind.

Love is a weapon…

Seto pulled her close, wrapped his arms around her, and buried his face into her neck.

She ran soothing hands down his back. "Seto-"

His voice was muffled, wreaked, and desperate. "I can't say it."

Kisa's hands froze. He felt her head tilt as she tried to look at him. He couldn't look at her. If he did, the world may just come crumbling down.

"Not yet," he said.

"Seto." She pushed lightly at first, tugged at his arms, then more forcefully when he wouldn't let go. She took his face in her hands. "Look at me."

He did.

She smiled, though there was disappointment in the crease of her brow. "I love you and I mean it." She smoothed her fingers through his hair. "So you can't say it right now. That's fine. It's just a word anyway. I've waited ten years, what's a little longer, huh?"

Kisa kissed him, long and slow. Lingering.

"You tell me what you want to do," she said.

Seto let his hands stroke along her arms, took her hands, and held them. "I would be willing to try."

"Then we'll give it a try. Next weekend, what d'you say? An actual date, just you and me. Make things, you know, official."

"Public."

"That too. I'd rather not keep this whole 'illicit affair' thing going. It's getting old. Makes me feel like the other woman."

"I did have something in mind, though it may not be your style."

"Oh?" Kisa's brows rose. "Do tell."

"Dinner. Candlelight."

She gave a dramatic sigh. "Sounds romantic."

"An upscale place by the bay."

"Suit and tie deal." She rolled her eyes. "Figures."

Seto pressed her fingers to his lips. "I do have a dress in mind. Long, backless."

"Tattoos in a fancy restaurant. Scandalous." Kisa wrapped her arms around his neck, pulled him closer so her cheek rested against his. "I like it. Just imagine all those monocles popping."

He laughed then, deep and honest. He couldn't remember the last time he had. The fear remained, but it had loosened its hold, settled itself into the space behind his heart. Waiting.

For that one peaceful moment, Seto believed.