A/N: Hey guys! I cannot explain how sorry I am for taking so long to update but there's just been so many things happening in my personal life and I've really been having the worst writers block ever, and I think that's evident in the piece I've given to you guys right now. It's not my best chapter, nor is it my best writing, but I've been struggling to write something for so long already that I'm hoping it gives me the kickstart I need to start going back to regularly updating this story. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it still!
Breaking point.
Do you know what it feels like? It's unbearable, I'll tell you that much. Not a morning greets me without a sharp twist in my tummy. To go to school every single day and have her be so close to me, yet feel her drift further and further away as the days pass us by, it's torturous. As though someone's got me on a slow burner and the fact that I'm taking so long to cook just makes it a whole lot worse.
I thought about not going to school after that day on the bench, that day when the hopeful twinkle in her doe eyes disappeared and she left tear stains on my blazer. I was in a sort of limbo as I made my way back home with the bus. Everything around me went numb, and for a second I wondered if my heart stayed back at school with Blair.
But coming into my room, away from the public, away from Blair, I couldn't help but let out the devastating cries and screams that I didn't even know I was keeping in. I fell back against my door and onto the floor immediately, bringing my knees into my chest to at least try and make the pain go away. I probably rocked back and forth enough to make a dent in the floorboard as my teeth bit down on my knees in an attempt to stop the screaming.
Nothing was working. Nothing would ever possibly work. I loved her. I lost her. And that's all that I could ever think of.
It wasn't until the sun crept away and darkness riddled through my room that I decided it's time to get up. But even that meant another pang of heartache as tears brimmed my eyes once again, forcing me to fall onto my bed and soak my pillow. In that moment I knew it was impossible. This was a pain that wasn't going to subside, she was a love I'll never be able to leave behind.
I'm not sure how much time had passed by before I took my school clothes off in the dark and just threw my blankets over my head. I was planning to put myself off for the rest of the week. The tears just came endlessly, and I couldn't imagine how much pain I'd go through if I had to see her again.
But for a split second I wondered how she was doing. She tried to hold on for just a few more moments back at school, and the hiccups in her cries felt like daggers through my chest, so it must've been as painful for her as it is for me.
And so it dawned on me that if I didn't go to school the next day, it would probably break Blair completely. She'd be so riddled with guilt for making me bed bound and knowing her, she'd never forgive herself for putting me through all this pain. And even though that's completely irrational because it wasn't even her that caused all of this, I know Blair, and I know she'd find any way to pin this all on herself.
So being strong for her was my only option. As broken as I was, and as painful as this all still is, nothing would quite break me like knowing Blair's tearing herself apart because of me.
The first day back, the day after the bench, was probably the hardest. I walked into English period late again, and all the seats were already taken with the only one vacancy sitting next to Blair. Ms.Carr greeted me but I couldn't bring eyes away from the ground as I walked to my desk, so I gave her a wave and mumbled back, "Morning."
Not for a single second could I bring myself to take a look at Blair. I didn't wanna know whether she seemed to be doing okay or whether she looked like she was about to have a break down. Like I felt back in the bus ride home the day before, in a sort of limbo, I managed to feel as that again. I wasn't sure how but my body just went into an emotional numbness, yet a numbness which could deem very fragile with just one look at the person beside me. Luckily Ms.Carr didn't ask neither Blair nor me for any answers that first day. And come to think of it, I wonder if she could sense something was wrong?
It doesn't matter though because that period went by, and we walked to our classes in our own separate ways, we spent the interval with our own separate people - well Blair had people at least, I managed to find a book to pretend to read - and we walked passed each other through the hallway as if we had never even met.
But that last part, when we passed each other by through the hallway like nothing had ever happened between us, it managed to shoot through my numbness and for a second I felt my knees go weak. I wanted to crumble right there and then. But if I did that, it would only hurt Blair even more.
So I ran to the bathroom stalls and let the tears loose. I don't know how I kept myself from screaming but I did. But a few seconds was all I needed before I composed myself and made it back to class. Luckily English period is the only period I have sitting next to Blair.
The previous day I seemed to have lost my chance at finding any seats beside her in our other classes because I left school early. And for that, I was grateful.
The first day finally let up and the school bell rang for us to go home. But I knew I had to face the same pain the next day. And the day after that. And that's exactly what happened. For the next 13 weeks I went to school every single day, and every single day I sat next to Blair in English, and every single day we passed each other through the hallways, and every single day we sat away from each other at break times and every single day the reality of losing her became more and more real.
At least my numbness became stronger through the weeks, strong enough to allow me to answer the teachers during classes, strong enough to have me actually read my book during break times, strong enough to follow me back home for the day and let me finish my school work.
But once the sun sets, the emotions, the hurt, the pain, the tears, they all seem to hit me all at once. There hasn't been a night since that awful day when I haven't cried myself to sleep. And not a morning greets me without a sharp twist in my tummy.
It's the biggest struggle to get myself out of bed, to drag myself into a shower, to force a spoon of porridge down my throat, to get my limbs through my school clothes. But once I step on that bus ride to school the numbness gives me a good morning hug and I can breathe once more.
This week is our final week of school before the Winter break. It's quite unbelievable to me right now as I sit up on my bed and think of how I made it through this entire semester with a heavy heart. And for the first time in forever, a small grin stems on my face as the anxiety falls away before I even have to step foot on the bus. I won't let myself celebrate too quickly though. Let's just get this week over and done with and maybe then I can give myself a pat on the back.
I do as I do almost every morning, shower, get dressed, eat, get on the bus, go to school, get to class. The day goes by in limbo as per usual. Not a glance taken at Blair. We did get our marks back today though from the past two weeks of tests we had. Rufus will definitely be happy with my report card this semester. Straight A's. For some reason I can't bring myself to cheer about it really. I don't quite care much for my grades anymore. I'm just doing what I have to do because I have to do it.
After school's over Jen and I head back home. For this last 13 weeks she's also turned into somewhat of stranger to me. Along with my dad. We hardly speak really, and the only time they talk to me is when it's necessary. It took one night of them both coming into my room while I was bursting into tears for me to lift the lid on them. They didn't deserve it though. They were just worried. But I couldn't, and I wouldn't be able to handle the constant barrage of questions of how am I or what had happened with Blair and I. I just needed to be left alone. And the only way that was gonna happen was to make sure they don't try and help me. Because I didn't need the help.
Jen and I make it back home and I quickly find my escape back in my room. Today wasn't too hectic or anything, it was actually the same as always, but I think the weight of this semester is finally weighing on me. I fall onto my bed and almost immediately my eyes close shut. And just like that, I fall asleep for the first time without having to cry myself to sleep. The few moments fall short though because after a half an hour my phone rings. It's Serena.
"Hello?" My eyebrows furrow.
"Dan! Where are you!?" Serena screams worryingly.
"I'm at home, why!?" I sit up on my bed.
"Meet me at Birch coffee shop in the next hour."
"What? Why?"
"Just be there." She hangs up.
I get out of bed quickly and don't even have time to take off my school clothes. Serena seemed pretty serious and I'm not sure why she called me but she did. I speed out the loft and get into a taxi as quickly as I can. I'm not sure where Birch coffee shop even is but luckily the taxi driver does. New York traffic is the absolute pits as we take an entire hour just to get into Manhattan.
Finally we get to the coffee shop and I pay the driver before jumping out the car and walking hurriedly toward the entrance. Coming inside it doesn't take long to see Serena sitting alone in a booth as she stirs her coffee vigorously. There's something seriously wrong here.
"Hey." I say almost out of breath as I sit opposite her.
"Oh good, you're here. Hey." She replies.
"What's wrong? Why did you want me to meet you here?"
"It's about Blair." Just hearing her name sends my tummy twisting, "Hey, are you okay?" Serena says again.
"What? Oh no, I'm fine." I lie.
"You're still not over her, hey?" Serena's voice softens.
"Can you just get to the point." I basically beg as my anxiety starts creeping up on me.
"It was all a set up, Dan." She says, almost angrily.
"What was?" My eyebrows furrow.
"Eleanor got a phone call from the driver that night of the beach..."
"The night of the beach?.." I interject, "...How do you know about that?"
"Blair told me about it. She's been confiding in me since the day you guys broke up."
"Oh." I say, surprised by the fact that Blair and Serena are back to being best friends.
"Anyway, back to what I was saying. Eleanor got a call from the driver telling her that you and Blair had fallen asleep, so she told him not to wake you guys up..."
"Wait, what? How do you know this?"
"She was bragging about it to my mom last night. Telling her how she managed to stop her daughter from getting involved with a charity case and how her plan has worked so splendidly well because all Blair does is hangout with me, Nate and Chuck nowadays. People 'like her', she said. Bad thing for Eleanor though is she didn't know your dad and my mom are dating, so my mom told me right now when I got home from school, and she told me to tell you immediately."
I'm not sure what to feel, or even how to feel. Does this mean there's hope? But if Eleanor disapproves of me, either way it still means Blair and I can't be together. Blair made that clear when she didn't want us to try and keep things a secret.
"Hey? Dan?" Serena waves a hand in my face.
"I'm sorry, it's just a lot to take in." I snap out of my thoughts.
"So what are you gonna do?"
"What can I do? Clearly Blair's mother doesn't like me, I mean she did something so crazy just to give herself a reason to disapprove of me, and Blair couldn't go against her mother 3 months ago so I doubt she'll do it now." I shrug my shoulders.
"But the reason you guys stopped dating was because you made a mistake and Eleanor was holding it against you guys, but now we know she could've done something about it, but she didn't, so she doesn't have a leg to stand on anymore!" Serena tries telling me.
"No, we didn't stop dating because of that. We stopped because Blair couldn't go against her mom. And regardless of Eleanor's master plan, the fact remains the same, she doesn't approve of me. And Blair will never go against her mom's wishes."
"So what now? You're not even gonna go tell Blair about all of this? You're not going to see if maybe you guys could give it another go?"
"There's no "maybe's". And I'd rather Blair doesn't know. This doesn't change anything so I wouldn't want her hating her mother over something she has no control of."
"Blair already hates her mother!" Serena says quickly.
"Well, let's not make it worse. Promise me you won't tell her, Serena." My face goes straight.
"I can't promise you that, Dan." Serena stands up.
"You'll just be making things worse!" I stand up and get in the way of her walking off.
"Blair is still crazy about you, Dan! I've had to sleep over at her house for weeks in a row just to make sure she doesn't cry herself to sleep. But even with me there she still cries herself to sleep! So if there's something I can do to salvage what you guys have just to stop all the hurt, then I'm going to do it!" She pushes past me.
"There's no point, Serena!" I shout.
Serena turns around, "No point? What do you mean there's no point? Don't you wanna be with her, Dan?.." Serena's face skews, "...do you not have feelings for her anymore?"
"Of course I wanna be with her! But can't you see? If Blair wanted to go against her mom's wishes she would've done so 3 months ago. Even if she knows what Eleanor did, it doesn't change what Eleanor still thinks of me, so it won't change Blair's decision." I say one more time.
"But we have to at least try, Dan."
"I can't Serena..." I fall back into the booth and bury my face into my arms as the tears begin gushing out.
Serena quickly runs back to the booth and puts her arms around me, "Hey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She just keeps rubbing my back as I let myself go. I knew that smile on my face earlier was too good to be true.
After a moment I bring my face back up and Serena hands me a few napkins to wipe away my tears. Her one hand doesn't leave my back though.
"I won't be able to take it." I blurt out.
"Take what?" Serena asks quickly.
"A second time of Blair not choosing me."
I look to Serena and her entire face falls as understanding overtakes her. She immediately brings me into a hug so tight, as if she's trying to fill this hollow space of despair that's been laying within me these last 3 months.
"I'm so sorry, Dan." She whispers in my ear, "That must've been so hard for you and you're right, the possibility of having to go through it all again is enough of a reason to just let it go. I won't tell her. I promise."
"Thank you." Is all I can manage and I bring myself out of the embrace.
"I really wish there was some way you guys could be together. Even if it were just for a few days. Blair misses you like crazy, Dan."
"There's nothing I can do, Serena. She made the decision herself. I can't force her to be with me."
"Yeah, I know." Serena sighs.
"Look, thanks for telling me all this, I really appreciate it. But I have to get back home."
"Okay." Serena scoots out of the booth.
"I'll see you at school tomorrow. Thanks again." I bring her in for a friendly hug.
"Don't worry about it..." She hugs me back, then pulls away, "...can I send Blair your greetings?" Serena bites her teeth.
"Uhh, rather not. She's too smart for her own good and once she hears you and I met up, she's definitely gonna get you to tell her why we did so."
Serena chuckles, "For someone who's only come recently into Blair's life, you sure know more about her than she probably knows about herself."
"Don't remind me." I kid, "Anyway, bye Serena."
"Bye, Dan."
Once I'm back at home again I'm met with another blonde who seems to really have my interests at heart - Lily. She and my dad are sitting at the kitchen table eating pasta as I walk through the door.
"Oh, here's Daniel." Lily twists on her stool and nearly cheers at my presence.
"Hey guys." I give a smile and awkward wave.
"Hey, son." My dad greets back.
"Are you hungry, Daniel? Your dad made the most delicious pasta." Lily asks, but I know if I say anything other than yes, she'll still insist on me eating.
"I am actually quite hungry."
A bright smile forms on Lily's face, "Wonderful!"
She dishes me a full bowl of pasta and puts it down on the placemat next to hers. I sit down and without hesitation begin devouring the food in front of me. It actually tastes really good. I wonder if my dad really made this or if he just bought takeout and put the food into his own pots to impress Lily.
"How's it?" My dad asks.
"It's so good, dad." I say with a mouthful.
My dad starts beaming a genuinely happy smile and he then looks at Lily gratefully. This must've been the first time in a long time my dad sees me in a good mood, so I'm guessing that's the reason he's so happy.
Both he and Lily watch me like proud parents as I eat my pasta finished, but after a while it just gets weird so I have to burst their bubble.
"Look, I know you guys know all about Blair and I and what happened with her mom, but that still doesn't change anything. We still can't be together." I say as I put my fork into the empty bowl in front of me.
"What? Why not?" Lily asks.
"Would you let Serena be with someone you don't like, Lily?"
"I mean, she's always been with guys I don't like but Serena's just uncontrollable." Lily says.
"Okay but if you could control her, you'd obviously stop her from being with all those guys, right?" My eyebrows furrow.
"I guess you do have a point there, Daniel." Lily sighs, "It's just such a shame why Eleanor would even do such a thing."
"Yeah..." I breathe out heavily.
These conversations about Blair are the most I've spoken about her to other people in such a long time, and right now I just feel exhausted. Although they didn't mean to, Lily and Serena forced me to rehash a whole host of memories about Blair which I much rather would've had stay in the abyss of my brain, untouched, unseen, unfelt.
"Uhm, maybe that's enough about Blair for today. Go get some rest, son. It's school tomorrow." Rufus says to my absolute reprieve.
"Okay, goodnight guys." I say as I get up off the kitchen stool and walk to my room.
Finally I get the chance to get out of these school clothes. Once undressed I get into bed, throw the blankets up toward the ceiling and let it fall down on me through the air. My eyes stare aimlessly at the ceiling above. I know it's going to hit me at any second now, all the nostalgic memories that I managed so hard to suppress these last three months. But whether I like it or not, there was always going to be a day where I've had to face them.
A part of me wonders why I hadn't tried to deal with them earlier? Was I afraid of the pain they might bring? Or was I afraid of facing these memories in case they lead me to actually getting over Blair?
Getting over Blair? That's just something I never wanna do. These feelings I have for her, I can't lose them. Despite how much it hurts, it'll hurt me even more the day I realise I don't love her the way I once I did...the way I so badly wanted to.
Frustrated by the notion of what these memories might bring if I think about them, I shut my eyes tightly and yank the blankets over my head. There's no way in hell I'm going to think about the past, and all those moments her and I shared, and how we danced in each others arms, and how we loved talking about books, and how we made the cutest little jokes, and how her hands twined so perfectly with mine, and how we shared our first kiss over the Autumn leaves, and how we couldn't stop kissing each other thereafter, and how she played with my hair, and how we promised each other forever's, as if forever was ours to promise.
Damnit!
Tears spring out my eyes like sprinklers as I realise exactly what it was I was so afraid of. This pain, this excruciating pain of missing her how I'm missing her right now, it's something that's going to force me to have to get over her. It wasn't a question of one or the other - it was one that'll lead to the other. My throat escapes my mouth, my stomach gets torn apart and my heart feels like it's being ripped out from my chest. I wanna scream this time, I wanna scream so badly, but it's way too difficult. I miss her, and I love her, and I just need her right now way more than ever!
"Dan!" Jenny whisper-shouts as she bangs on the garage door, "Dan!"
But I haven't the energy to even form a response. Yet, she keeps knocking and calling out my name, over and over again. Why doesn't she just lift the garage up and come into my room? And that's when I realise she's not knocking on the garage door. She's knocking on the window outside by the fire escape. That can't be good. I force myself off the bed, tears still burning my eyes and my tummy still in circles, and make my way to my window. I open it up and a wind blows into my room so cold that it forces me to turn around and jump back into my bed of despair. At least it's warmer in here.
"Come inside, Jen, and close the window!" I manage to say as I throw the blankets back over my head.
The window closes softly, and a voice says even softer, "Hey, Humphrey."
...