A/N: Hey guys! I hope this chapter finds everyone well and thanks again for all the favourites and reviews, I appreciate them so much! I also hope nobody's getting too impatient, I'm honestly trying to publish chapters as quick as I can. But bear with me for the long haul please, because this story will be finished and we will have our endgame!...maybe;)Anyways, enjoy the chapter and let me know what you think!
Widen your heart-scope.
"...we're strangers."
Right. That description sounds fitting. I mean, Blair and I have spent much more time apart than together. And there's still so much I didn't know about her from when we were together. And probably so much more to learn after being away from her. So yeah. Strangers. We're strangers. It's an adequate description.
So why is it turning my stomach inside out and making my heart crush beneath my bones? Why do I have to shut my eyes to stop the tears that are forming against all my will? Why can't I stop my head from dropping in heart wrenching defeat? Why, when I've lost myself before? When I've lost her before?
"Dan, can we leave?" Alicia puts her hand on my shoulder and my head pops up as my eyes flash open. She sounds as defeated as me.
"You wanna go home?" I ask, kind of surprised but mainly relieved.
"Yeah." She sighs.
"Okay, yeah, let's get out of here."
I turn back to Blair and she's looking at me again. Blankly this time. And the sparkles in her eyes have all gone out. Marco puts his arm around her, maybe purposefully because Alicia's got her hand on my chest, and then he turns the both of them around and they walk back into the crowd. I'm not even jealous of this Italian boy with a chiselled jawline and a black-haired buzzcut. I don't know why I'm feeling what I feel. I just know it feels lonely and alienating and lost.
Alicia and I find ourselves back in her Fiat. Nothing gets said as she starts the car and drives us off back to her house. This town doesn't feel so cheerful anymore. It's hollowing, nothing beneath its surface and less than nothing on its surface.
Maybe I was expecting something different if I ever saw Blair again. I'm not sure what it was but it certainly wasn't being called a stranger. How did she come to that? Did those few moments of everything to me mean nothing to her? So much so that we're just strangers who can't even greet each other? Who don't even know each other?
It's confusing and crazy and crippling and I'm cold again. The tequila's worn off and the night's broken the day's heat. Still no sound of Alicia. Her hands are on the wheel and her eyes are on the road but she's not here in this car with me. She's somewhere else completely. Somewhere, where I've been before. Where I haven't left. Where I am right now.
Her red Fiat comes to a halt and we're outside her house again. She pulls up the hand brake, puts the car in neutral and then turns the key in the ignition. She falls back against her seat once the engine's cut and brushes her fingers through her hair. I guess we're staying in the car for a while.
"Do you go quiet when you're mad?" Alicia asks as she stares at the roof of her car.
"Mad? Why would I be mad?" I turn my body in the seat to face her. Face full of confusion.
"I don't know..." She says with hesitance, "...I'd be mad if I were you."
"Mad about what?"
"About...like...using you and all. It was a shitty thing to do..." Her head drops and she turns to me, "...and I'm sorry." Her mouth falls into a frown.
My mouth goes agape a little, kind of shocked by her feeling bad but also really wondering that if she thought this entire time I was upset with her, then she probably didn't catch on that Blair and I knew each other. Which definitely works for me because I've told Alicia way too much and if she knows it's Blair that's got my heart, she'll either try and get Blair and I back together to make amends for whatever this is, or worse yet, she'll try and talk to me about Blair. Something I'm physically incapable of doing.
"Do you think I'm such a heartless monster that I won't even apologise to you?" Alicia interrupts my thoughts.
"What?" I reply as my eyebrows furrow.
"You're just sitting there watching me in shock. As if me saying sorry was the last thing you expected."
Well, it kind of was the last thing I expected if I'm being honest, "Oh, no, my mind just drifted for a moment. But don't worry about it. I mean, I was upset at first, but at the same time I get it, so yeah no issues." I say to her.
"So we're good?" She asks, her dark eyes softer than before.
"Absolutely fine."
"You sure?"
"I'm sure." I give her a smile.
Things go silent for a moment as she falls back into her seat. I think a headache is creeping up on me so I let my head fall against my headrest as well.
"You know, even though you technically cheated on your girlfriend tonight, you're kind of a good guy, Dan." Alicia tells me, eyes up on the roof again.
"Mmm, I don't think so. Being good means you're harmless, or you at least try to be. Tonight I didn't even try. So yeah, I don't think I'm good, maybe just understanding."
"Yeah! Understanding. That's the word. Which is a trait that good people usually have, is it not?"
"Look, do you wanna know how I know that I'm not a good person?"
"Let me hear it."
"I cheated on my girlfriend tonight and I don't feel bad at all. Shouldn't I be feeling bad at least?" My eyes wander aimlessly at this Fiats roof.
"Oh God, of course you're not gonna feel bad. Your heart's not in it. And her heart's not in it too so don't beat yourself up about it."
"Trust me, I'm not beating myself up about it."
Both of us chuckle, and for a second everything feels a little bit better.
"So...Marco..." I say, trying not to hit a nerve.
"Shh, let's not talk about him." She puts the subject to bed immediately.
"But you can talk to me though...if you wanna. I'm a good listener."
"I know, I just don't wanna talk about him. And if I remember correctly, you didn't wanna tell me about your lover so an eye for an eye."
I laugh, "So you admit he's a lover then?"
"Shh shh shh." She puts her index finger on my lips, "We're not talking about him."
"Okay, fine." I chuckle.
"I think we should go inside but before we do..." Her head lowers and her eyes turn to me.
I look back at her, "Yeah?"
"Can I sleep by you tonight? It's got nothing to do with Marco and how lonely I feel right now, I swear." Her eyes plead playfully.
I chuckle, "Okay, but what about your dad? You're supposed to be sleeping with Jenny."
"Did you not go into my bathroom yet?"
"No, I didn't get the chance, this crazy girl kidnapped me before I could even get some rest." I say sarcastically.
"Oh shit, she sounds awfully fun." Alicia chuckles.
"Awful maybe. Fun? Not so much."
She punches me on my arm again, "Hey, I'm being serious. The bathroom connects my room to the guest room Jenny's in. So we just have to lock my room door, lock Jenny's bathroom door, and if someone tries to come into my room I can quickly jump into the bathroom and act like I was in there or whatever."
"Mmm, okay."
"Okay? So I can sleep by you?" Her eyes widen as she lets loose a smile.
"Yeah." I chuckle.
We both get out the car and make our way into the house, squeaking open the front door and tip toeing through to Alicia's room. She lets me in first and then closes the door as gently as possible as not to make a noise. She locks the door and then quickly skips through her bathroom to go and lock Jenny's bathroom door.
Now that we're in the same room together there's something I hopelessly failed to consider before saying 'yes' to Alicia sleeping in the same bed as me. Okay wait, there's actually numerous things I failed to consider: I sleep in my boxers, I sweat like crazy, my morning breath is basically toxic waste, I snore!
"Are you gonna come spoon me or you just gonna stand there and look into space?" Alicia says, already in her bed, never failing to express herself fully.
"Wait, I have to warn you first." I reply.
"Okay?" She looks at me confusedly.
"Tomorrow morning you're gonna wake up to a freakin' ogre. My breath is going to stink, my..."
"Oh my god..." She interjects, "...you don't have to worry about that. I just wanna be held and the fact that you're concerned is kinda sweet. Makes me want you to hold me even more." She chuckles.
"Are you one hundred percent sure?" I ask again, eyebrows up.
"Yes, Dan, I'm sure."
"Another thing, I sleep in my boxers." I bite my teeth.
"You could sleep naked for all I care."
I let out a laugh and then pull off my shirt. I can feel Alicia's eyes on me but I keep my gaze down on my shorts as I unzip it. Once my shorts are gone I climb quickly into the bed and cover myself with the blankets, feeling conscious of my body for the first time in my life. Alicia looks at me knowingly but she doesn't say anything, rather she just turns on her side and grabs my hand, bringing it over her waist and around her.
"Now pull me closer." She tells me.
"Okay." I bring her in and it feels like we're locked together. It's almost therapeutic, holding someone, having them so close to you.
"You're doing great." She chuckles and that's the last words that escape her mouth. She's falls asleep like clockwork, letting me know that she really did just need to be held.
It's weird though. All of this. But it's distracting as well which is good. If I'm honest with myself, I've been trying not to think about those deep doe eyes of Blair's all night already. And Alicia does a great job at helping me with that. But now with her out cold in my arms, Blair's eyes, those lips, that nose, her voice, they're running around in my head and it's a waste to try and catch them. Blair's made a home in my heart and I'll never be able to evict her. Even when she's evicted herself.
I mean, who is Marco to Blair in anyway? I thought Blair lived in France. So what is she doing in Italy with an Italian? And it's not like they could be something because clearly Alicia and Marco had a thing. Or maybe he was cheating? Or what if Blair's just on vacation and she wanted to hookup with someone, which in that case makes Marco the perfect candidate. But even then, if he were just a hookup, why did Blair feel the need to call me a stranger? I don't think Marco would've cared that I knew her. So what does any of what happened tonight mean then?
My mind starts spiralling and every possible scenario I can think of runs through my head. Good, bad, possible, impossible, fair, unfair, deserving, undeserving, all of it. And it hits me. After all my ruminating, I haven't stopped to think, "what if Blair's moved on?"
At this point I just think I make myself sad. I've been romanticising Blair for so long already that I can't see the reality of my situation. I'm hanging onto something, onto someone, who's long forgotten about me. I have a gorgeous girlfriend back home in New York who I couldn't care less about, which sucks because she's so good to me. And I'm spooning this insanely fun and goofy Italian girl who's been an embodiment of 'a breath of fresh air' since I've arrived in Italy, yet I can't seem to feel anything for any of these girls.
I swear, had I never of met Blair, I would've fallen in love with Alicia as soon as I looked into her soft dark eyes.
Maybe it's about time I just let all of this go. Blair and I broke up two years ago, she left New York two years ago, she asked me to let go of her two years ago. It doesn't matter that she's here in Positano right now and it doesn't matter that we saw each other. She said it herself, we're strangers, so there's nothing between us. For her at least. For me, I still remember the last warm summer evening we shared that fateful dance together up until the drenching winter night she came knocking on my bedroom window with a face full of tears and a heart full of sorrow.
I imagined my first morning waking up in Positano to be much more blissful than this, or at least on the cusp of bliss. But rather the morning sun, bright and cold, along with the sounds of crashing waves, hard and loud, are just exacerbating this throbbing headache that's greeted me awake. The hollow pit in my stomach isn't any kinder nor is the hollow space between my arms. The space I swear Alicia was taking up all night.
I sit up on the bed and it feels like my brain crashes against my forehead. I wipe the sleepiness out of my eyes and then stretch out my arms. Coffee and a headache tablet is exactly what I need right now. Not even a full day in this town and I already hate it here.
I'm about to throw the blankets off of me and get out of bed when my room door opens and the room owner walks through. Her hair's up in this lazy bun and there's dark spots under her eyes that weren't there last night. She still looks good though. Especially when her face shines into a smile as she comes to me, one hand holding a cup of coffee and the other a packet of tablets.
I can't help chuckling, "You are my saving grace!"
She laughs as she hands me the coffee and puts the tablets on her bedside table. I look out into the living room through the room door Alicia left open and see it's completely empty.
"Everyone still asleep?" I ask.
"Asleep? It's almost 12 o'clock, Dan..." She chuckles, "...my dad and your dad went down to the beach for breakfast and I think Jenny's lazing out on the balcony."
"Oh..." I really thought it was at least 6 in the morning, "...when did you get out of the bed?"
"I'm not sure but it was super early. I snuck back into Jenny's room and slept by her."
"What? Why?" Embarrassment immediately takes over. Was I sweating? Stinking? Snoring? Oh God, please don't tell me I had a fucking wet dream.
"It had nothing to do with you, don't worry..." She half-smiles, half-laughs, "...I woke up and realised it was pretty stupid to come sleep by you. My dad could've easily gone into Jenny's room and see that I'm not sleeping next to her and then he'd knock on her bathroom door and I wouldn't respond because, well, I'd be in here sleeping with you and then he'd coming breaking down your door."
"Your door." I joke.
"Yeah, but the cuddles were nice though. All 3 hours of them." She smiles.
"I'm amazed you managed to wake up. I was literally dead."
She laughs, "Oh, trust me, I know. Your arms and legs were all over me. It took a solid five minutes to get me out of your grip."
My mouth goes agape, "I'm so sorry..."
"No, honestly, it's okay. Before I got up I even let myself enjoy being held so closely for a few minutes. It was nice." She says, and I still can't get over how she just tells me all of these things without worrying about anything at all. She just says whatever, whenever.
"It was nice for me too." I confess and then take a huge sip of my coffee. It's cooled off enough to take gulps now.
"I can imagine. Your hand was on my boob the entire time..." She chuckles and my eyes widen, "...I'm gonna go take a shower. Don't forget to take those tablets." She then stands up and walks to her dresser, pulling out the necessary pieces of clothing she needs for another summer day in Positano - a bikini and a sarong.
"No I definitely won't, thanks."
I grab the tablets straight after Alicia closes the bathroom door behind her and tear open the packet it's inside. I swallow the tablets, take a cup-emptying sip of my coffee and then finally get out of this bed. I actually wanted to shower myself but I'll have to wait until Alicia's done.
In the meantime I put on yesterday's clothes and go into the living room. My head spins to look around for Jenny but like a bullseye my eyes land on this mahogany bookshelf that I cannot believe I didn't see last night. There has to be at least a hundred books packed into these shelves. I tilt my head and scan over the spines of each book, seeing which title will grab me. And grab me one does! But I don't pull the book out to read it. Because I've read it already. It's Romeo and Juliet. The story of a young love destined for tragedy.
And like a light bulb going manic in my head, I realise I'm literally in the very country this world renowned play was written in. This play which has somehow sewn itself into my very own tragedy with a girl I cannot let go. A girl I've never been able to let go. However, I think I now know how to!
I blitz back into Alicia's room and grab my overnight bag. I empty it out. I then grab my suitcase and unzip it. From suitcase to overnight bag; sandals, two pairs of shorts, a bunch of underwear, a few pairs of socks, a handful of tops, and a pair of sneakers. I grab my little leather book that fell out as I was emptying the overnight bag and put it in the front pocket. My toiletry bag goes in the backpack as well. Along with my phone charger and earphones. I stare at the bag for a minute thinking about what I might've missed. My wallet! I dig for my wallet in my suitcase, retrieve it and then shove it into my shorts pocket.
I have everything I need...I think. But there's no time to think though because Alicia's shower just stopped running which means I need to start running! I rush to her study table and grab one of her notebooks and quickly scribble a note for my dad, and subconsciously for Alicia as well because I know she'll be worried sick.
Going somewhere for two days. Using my catering money, dad, so don't worry. I'll let you guys know I'm safe every six hours starting from six tonight, please don't come looking for me and please don't stop enjoying the holiday, I will be back in Positano in two days I swear.
-Dan.
It's probably the most worrisome note a person could ever write but I don't care. I leave it on Alicia's bed and without a thought I'm out of this villa and running down the street to find a taxi somewhere. I get one and ask the driver to take me to the nearest train station. On the way there I Google every single thing I need to know about where I'm going and what I'm doing. I even manage to book an hotel room before the taxi comes to a halt at the train station.
As I pay the driver and hop out the taxi, my phone rings. It's Jenny. My eyes roll and I pick it up.
"If you're gonna try and to talk me out of doing something stupid rather save your breath." I say into the phone whilst basically speed walking into the station.
"What the fuck are you doing, Dan?!" Alicia's voice slams through the phone, "Where the hell are you? Where are you going?"
I get a shock from hearing her voice, especially when it's so full of concern, "Alicia, please don't worry about me, I'm fine. Did you get the note on your bed?"
"Yes." She replies but she sounds annoyed.
"Okay, make sure to show it to my dad as well. I'll be back in two days. I swear." I promise her.
"Two days, Dan..." She demands, "...Or else I'm tracking you down myself."
"I know you will." I laugh.
"I hope this sudden jump-and-run doesn't have anything to do with that old flame of yours..." Alicia's voice weakens a little and I can't even think about how she guessed that, "...we were supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend while you were here, remember?"
My heart almost sinks and my eyes shut tightly, but I take a deep breath, finding comfort in knowing that the whole point of my doing all this is to finally move on with my life. And maybe, hopefully, it'll open my heart-scope up to a new love. One with soft dark eyes, silky black hair and a way with honesty I've never encountered before. Like I said, had I never of met Blair, I would've fallen in love with Alicia almost instantly.
"Two days, Alicia, just two days."
...