A/N: Hey guys! So it's pretty well established that I'm terrible at churning out chapters at any speed, but if you are still here with me after so long, I appreciate you with all my heart. This chapter and the next are sort of together, but I figured I've caused enough pain by leaving everyone on cliffhangers all the time. In fact, I could probably even end this fic right here, but there are still so many holes that need filling and love that needs loving before I do that. Anyways, I really hope whoever's reading enjoys this chapter! And thanks a million for all the favourites and reviews, they bring me unbridled joy!
She is the Sun kissing the Ocean
However heavy the day's weight is, however insufferable the vulnerability of the night may be, there is always this fleeting moment in which the sun kisses the ocean, and the beauty on display seems to wash away all our fears, all our stresses, seems to alleviate all our suffering, and if but just for just a few minutes, our broken hearts are mended once more.
Blair is the sun kissing the ocean. After dark days so long and nights never ending, I've found my pink skies that hold forever bliss in these ever wondrous eyes of hers. How beautiful she is as she looks at me with stained mascara eyes and a stupid smile. Summer sunsets are to be admired. Blair is to be admired. Summer sunsets relieve the world of today's problems and tomorrow's worries. Blair relieves me of so much more than that.
As she sits here on my lap with her arms around my neck and her gaze locked in on me, my heart thunders beneath my chest as the corners of my lips push apart so wide that it starts to hurt my cheeks. I couldn't tear my eyes from hers even if I wanted to. It's a good thing I don't want to.
But suddenly her eyes close and she turns away chuckling, breaking the contact which feels all too short now that her eyes are shut. For a second my heart drops, but it's immediately picked up by her saying something, finally.
"I can't believe you still look at me like that. With those intense eyes, Humphrey." She says, still looking away, with her hand covering her face as she laughs.
And almost as if the world has been tilted back onto its proper axis, a ray of sunlight pierces through the bus window and turns her bright laughter into a golden smile. Streaks of her hazel curls start to glimmer ever so gently and the redness in her cheeks, the rapture in her giggles, the shyness in her smiles, they thread the pieces of my torn apart heart back together.
"I can't help it..." I chuckle, "...you're still as beautiful as the last time I saw you."
She looks back at me, her smile turned into a playful frown.
"And still, you always know just what to say..." Her eyes avert towards the window and soon they go somber, looking almost regretful.
But I cannot allow her to reminisce when right now we have found each other after so, so long. Our past is heavy, too heavy for us to worry about it now. So I take her soft tear stained cheeks into my palms and turn her to me.
"Blair, I know, I know. There's so much to say, so much to hear. But I've waited far too long to hold you in my arms again to even care for sorting through our past. I don't wanna know what happened these past two years, I don't wanna know what's gonna happen tomorrow either. I just wanna be with you right now. Let's forget about everything, we can be the best of strangers, just for today." I plead.
I know it's hypocritical of me to want us to be strangers all of a sudden when her calling me that is what brought me to Verona in the first place. But can you blame me when all I wanna do after not seeing for so long is to just...be with her?
I can see the thoughts pacing in their thousands through Blair's mind and I already know before her lips even part that she's about to protest.
"But what about..."
"All tomorrow's worries." I interject as I pinch her lips closed teasingly.
She rolls her eyes, God I missed how she rolls her eyes, and I can't help but chuckle. The bus comes to a sudden halt and I grab on her waist so that she doesn't fall back. We both look out the bus windows to see where we've stopped and it turns out it's right outside my hotel.
"What do you say we get cleaned up and then we can go for lunch or something?" I ask Blair.
"That's a great offer, Humphrey, but I don't think a public toilet's gonna help with these stains on my dress and cheeks." She frowns.
"Well you're in luck because we're right outside my hotel where I have a lovely bathroom with all sorts of complimentary shower stuff and a dry cleaners downstairs." I laugh as Blair's eyes widen.
"So what are we still doing in this filthy bus? Let's get a move on." Blair hops off my lap and grabs hold of my hand to march us out the bus and straight into the hotel lobby. It's like clockwork the way she always takes charge. Even after all this time.
We pace through the lobby and walk straight into a just-opened elevator. I click the number of my room's floor and the lift starts pulling us upward. And I'm not sure why, but all of sudden my nerves are going crazy, and I'm praying to God it's not my palms that are sweating because I'm feeling a little dampness between mine and Blair's hands. How does one person steady you so well but dizzy you all the same?
I turn to look at Blair and I find her with a smile on her face.
"You're nervous..." She chuckles as she looks down and pushes some of her curls behind her ear.
My entire face pinches together as my eyes shut in pure embarrassment. Why do I have to be the person that sweats when they're nervous? Why couldn't I be the person that has the hairs on the back of their neck stand up or something? I'm entirely wrapped around her finger and it's impossible to hide it
Blair turns to me, still chuckling, "...I'm glad because I'm kinda freaking out here myself."
My face softens immediately but my eyebrows furrow as I turn to look at her, "You're freaking out? Why? What's wrong?"
"Nothing, Humphrey. It's a good freaking out. I promise." She clutches my hand tighter in reassurance.
"Okay." I say just as the elevator doors ding open again.
This time I lead the way through the long corridor and come to the end of the passageway where my room is. I push in the keycard, the door unlocks, and Blair and I both walk into the wonderfully airy space. Our hands part as Blair graces through the room. She looks around and by the wonderment in her eyes I know she's appreciating the beautiful decor around her. She's always loved anything that pleases the eye. But soon her admiration turns to worry.
"Did you come here with that girl from the nightclub?" She asks me as she fidgets with her own fingers.
"What? No, no, not at all." I say quickly, "I came here alone."
"Then why'd you get the room with the biggest bed?" She doesn't believe me.
I laugh, "Oh, that's because there were no other rooms available. And I'm sure the suites have bigger beds." I quip.
She rolls her eyes, "Still correcting me I see."
A smile bares on my face and then she says again, "Well, I'm gonna get into the shower but do you mind taking this dress down to that dry cleaning place for me?"
"No, no problem." I reply.
Suddenly the nerves from not too long ago re-enter the room and I'm thinking it's because Blair's trying to figure out what to do next. Take her dress off right in front of me? No. Go into the bathroom and throw the dress out the door? That's even more awkward. I chuckle to myself when I see her eyes avert to the ground as she bites nervously on her lip.
"Uhm...I'll go out the room quickly then you can get undressed and then just leave your dress on the bed before you go into the bathroom?" I suggest.
"Yes. Perfect." She says with such relief in her voice that I have to smile.
I go outside and wait in the passage for at least three minutes to be extra, extra sure I don't walk in on her, and then soon enough I have the dress in my hands and I'm making my way back down to the hotel lobby where the dry cleaning room is. The man at the dry cleaner's tells me it'll be at best two hours before the dress is clean. I was hoping it'd be sooner because I'm really excited to go out with Blair but it's only around eleven PM right now anyways, so I guess time's on our side.
I leave the dry cleaners and before I go back upstairs I get two breakfast smoothies for Blair and I from the café down here. I took something strawberry and something blueberry, because I'm not sure which one Blair will like. Knowing her she might not like either but I'll take my chances.
I go back upstairs and once I'm at the door I knock a few times as I open it up a little bit.
"Hey, is it safe to come in?" I speak through the tiny space I opened up.
I can hear Blair laughing, "Yes, Humphrey, it's safe."
I walk into the room and find Blair sitting comfortably on the couch in a white robe with her hair still damp as it falls loosely along her shoulders. Of course a fashion magazine is in her hands as a smile so infectious sits on her face.
"What you got there?" Her eyes point to the cupholder in my hand which has our smoothies in them.
"Breakfast." I smile as I step towards the couch, "Which one do you want, strawberry or blueberry?"
Blair takes hold of the strawberry smoothie to my relief. I thought she wouldn't take either.
"Thanks, Humphrey."
"No problem." I say as I plop myself down besides her, "So the dry cleaner's said it'll be at least 2 hours before your dress is done again, so what do you wanna do till then?" I ask and then take a sip of my smoothie.
"Honestly?" She looks at me with a small frown out of nowhere.
My eyebrows furrow confusedly, "Yeah, what do you honestly wanna do?"
"I really want us to talk. Even though everything feels as if no time has passed between us, and even though we're still so comfortable around each other, I don't think we can fool ourselves into believing that the past is the past and that it means nothing to us right now. I could see it in your eyes back at that church, Dan. You were hurting." Blair says and then puts down her smoothie to grab onto my free hand.
But what do I say to her? Do I tell her that she's the reason I stopped living these past two years? That she's the reason I developed severe depression and anxiety? To the point where I nearly killed myself off of alcohol poisoning on a freezing cold beach? Of course I was hurting. But to let her know to what extent that pain had gone to, Blair would never forgive herself. And nothing hurts me more than when Blair is hurting. We're with each other right now. So what else means more than that?
"I don't know what you want me to say, Blair. And I don't know what I want myself to say either. All I know is we're with each other right now by the absurdest of chances, and I don't wanna spoil these moments we have together. Because I don't know if I'll ever have them again."
Blair lets go of my hand and falls back into the couch as she looks into space, "You don't think we'll see each other again?" Her voice almost breaks.
My eyes shut in agony, "I...I really don't know. I go back to Positano tomorrow and then it's back to Brooklyn, and you'll be off to Paris again, so there's no promises after tonight, are there?" I turn to her, hoping, praying that she says otherwise. That she gives me one last promise that maybe things will be different this time.
She keeps staring at nothing and looks completely in her own head, expressionless, and after an agonising second or two, she says, "I guess not." My heart sinks.
I don't know what to feel. Which emotion is possibly justified in this situation? Anger? Sadness? Disappointment? I want to be here. I want this day to linger on for forever because once the night comes-to-go and the morning sun turns up again, we'll be forced to say the goodbyes that neither of us want to.
I drop my head in my hands, unsure of how to turn things back to what they were just a moment ago. This is why I didn't want us to talk, because what do we say in a day that'll heal two years of being away from each other? What's the point of even saying it all in a day when a day is all we have together? That's it. I can't let the precious seconds run on and on as we sit here in our own heads. Nothing is going to spoil the little time we have right now.
"Blair..."
"Dan..."
We both say each other's names at the exact same time.
"Oh, sorry, you can speak." I say.
"No, my bad, you go first." She replies.
This is torture, "Blair, please, what did you wanna say?" I beg her.
She swallows a lump in her throat as her fingers begin to fidget with themselves. It feels like forever as I watch her ruminate, and then finally, she says, "Can I kiss you?"
My eyes widen and I swear my hearts smacks against my chest. Why is she even asking!?
"You wanna kiss me?" I ask to make absolutely sure it wasn't all in my head.
"No, I'm talking about some other Dan Humphrey that is in the room with me right now..." She rolls her eyes, God, I fucking love it when she rolls her eyes, "...of course I wanna kiss you, idiot!" She chuckles and that's what does it for me.
I thrust forward and grab her cheeks into my palms. She stops laughing. Suddenly our eyes are dancing and I see the Universe in all it's glory all over again. Her deep doe eyes go dark as she looks up at me. My heart is roaring beneath my chest as our noses are but millimetres apart. And just like she always does, as if it's been our secret cue since forever, Blair bites onto her bottom lip and I lose myself.
My lips fall onto hers and everything stops. She throws her arms around my neck as her fingers dig through my hair, trying to bring us as close together as possible. Our breaths are heavy and our minds are hazy. Her lips still taste the same, cherry sweet with a little bit of ecstasy. She keeps us locked and kisses me like this is the last time she'll ever kiss me. Because it might just be.
Blair then climbs on top of me and clutches my cheeks as she pushes me back against the couch. I've never wanted to have on a jeans as much as I do now. But I can't help myself at all as she sits down on my lap with nothing on but her panties. Finally our lips part and I catch a breath I didn't want but absolutely needed, but Blair's lips are already nibbling on my ear before I can even take any air in. Her kisses then trace down my jawline and onto my neck and I'd believe you if you told me I was in heaven right now.
Her panting is so hard and every part of my body is reacting to her as she devours me in the best way imaginable. Her gown is loosening by itself as well and the more it does so, the more of herself Blair is revealing to me and it's on the verge of making me lose all self-control. I wanna take her so bad. But I'm also really enjoying being taken so I think twice about it.
"Okay..." She says in between a hot kiss, "...we need to slow down..." Her lips meet mine again, "...or else..." Another kiss, "...we'll go too far." She pulls away and places her hands against my chest.
I groan and it makes her smile. She then tightens her gown and gets off of me to sit down on the couch again. I'm still in awe of what just happened.
"Your turn...what did you wanna say?" She asks me with a cheeky smile.
"I kinda forgot after that kiss." I reply jokingly.
She doesn't laugh though, "If you don't tell me I'm gonna be really irritated because it's gonna eat on me." She glares.
"Okay, okay. I was just worried earlier that by bringing up the past it was gonna spoil the rest of our day. So I was gonna ask you if you wanted to do something like play a game or watch a movie while we wait for your dress, just to lighten the mood again. But then you said let's kiss and it trumped both my ideas."
"Well, I think the mood's definitely been lightened." She chuckles.
"Definitely." I smile sheepishly.
Blair picks her smoothie up and sips on it, reminding me of my own smoothie which I too then pick up and sip on. She then tucks her feet under her thighs as she tries to find the most comfortable way to sit, and once found, she carries on sipping through her straw. I turn myself in the couch so that I'm facing her. Her attention doesn't seem to be here though, as I turn to her. Maybe she's just focusing on how her smoothie tastes.
"Will you at least tell me what you've been up to these past two years? How was school? How was graduation? How was prom? How's Rufus? And Jenny? Can we at least talk about those things? Small things?" Blair pleads, her face still looking anywhere but me.
I put my just finished smoothie back down on the table and then I say, "Well...school's been good..." Apart from the fact that it was a constant reminder of us, "...and graduation was nice..." Even though I kissed someone else instead of you, "...And prom was, well, prom..." How could I bring myself to enjoy a night that was meant to be shared with you?, "...And Rufus and Jenny, they're okay."
"That's good, I'm glad they're holding up at least. Especially Rufus. So who'd you go to prom with?"
Suddenly the question hangs heavy and it's as though we're back to square one. I don't have much of a choice here though. I have to answer.
"Serena." I blurt out and bite on my teeth.
Blair doesn't react at all. She keeps her composure and takes a casual final sip of her smoothie before putting it down as if she hadn't heard a thing come out of my mouth.
"That's nice. I guess it's good that you're there for her. I know I haven't been." Blair says as the faintest of frowns falls on her face.
The right thing to do in this very moment would probably be to tell Blair that I've been dating Serena for this past year. But even though she hardly reacted to me going to prom with Serena, I know news of us being together would kill her. And what would be the use if these few hours might be the only time I have with Blair before we part ways again? It would just be unnecessary information that she doesn't need because it doesn't change anything. None of this changes anything. Which is exactly why I say nothing about me and Serena, and instead just say,
"Yeah, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself though. Maintaining a friendship from thousands of miles away isn't easy."
"You don't have to do that you know." She responds.
"Do what?"
"Constantly try to make me feel better about myself." She smiles.
I half-laugh, "Yeah I know, but I also know you hold expectations of yourself that are so high and I never used to understand it because..." The words suddenly get stuck in my throat when I realise I'm digging a little too deep into our past, "...never mind. I just wish you'd forgive yourself every once in a while. That's all." I recover.
Blair looks as if she's pondering over my words, maybe trying to figure out what I actually wanted to say, before she says, "Okay. I'll try...for you, Humphrey."
Hearing that feels like a warm hug around my heart and the smile lingering on my lips is tough to conceal.
"Thank you." I say gently with a chuckle, "So what about you? What 'small things' happened these past two years?" I ask.
"Uhmmm, well I graduated High School this year, I've gotten provisional acceptance into the University of Paris, and...well that's about it."
"What do you mean that's it? You got into a great University, that's major!"
"Oh please, we all know I can get into any University I want to." She rolls her eyes.
I laugh, "Okay, that's true. But still, congrats, Waldorf."
"Thanks, Humphrey." She smiles warmly, "And you? Did you apply at any University's back home?"
"Yeah, I applied to Yale, Harvard, Brown and NYU. I already got accepted at NYU and Brown though, but I'm just holding out for Yale or Harvard. But if neither of them accept me I'll go to NYU over Brown if it comes down to that."
"Well I hope you get into Yale. It's always been my dream to attend there because my dad went there. But I guess a dream is all it'll ever be." She chuckles but I can tell it's hardly funny to her.
"What do you mean? Couldn't you of applied to Yale and come back to New York?" I ask, knowing full well I'm about to get a crushing answer.
"That's the first thing I tried to do when applications opened. I immediately went to my mom and asked her if I could, but she said no without a thought."
"That sucks." Is all I can say. I wanna say more, so much more. I wanna tell Blair how badly I want her to come back, how I despise her mother for suppressing her like this, how I wish she'd just follow her dreams without fear. But I can't so I don't.
"Yeah..." She pauses for a second, looking at nothing once again, and then she carries on, "...so, do you still read as much as you used to?"
I chuckle because that question was so random but I'm also grateful she swayed the conversation away from the topic of her mother.
"Yeah...do you?" I return the question.
"Yes. What books have you been reading?"
"Well, there's been a few, but there is this one book series I'm actually ashamed of enjoying so much." I smile sheepishly.
Blair pouts and twists her lips playfully, "Mmm, and what book series is this, Humphrey?"
"I'll say, but you have to promise you won't judge."
"I swear on Cedric's life." Blair says and I burst out laughing.
"Well, that's not very convincing because if I remember correctly you teased me about Cedric right after I told you about him." I chuckle.
"True..." She laughs, "...but it was way too cute so I had to tease you about it. And besides, judging and teasing are different things."
"Okay fine...it's the 'Twilight' series."
Blair's entire face lights up, "'Twilight'!? Stephenie Meyer's 'Twilight'? Are you serious?.." She giggles and I get butterflies, "...is there a misunderstood teenage girl trapped inside of you or something?"
I roll my eyes with a dumb smile on my face, "Whatever. A good book is a good book."
"Okay, so what was so good about 'Twilight' which captivated your entire being?" She teases.
"I don't know...maybe it's the intensity of Bella's love for Edward, or the way the book is written so simply yet still evokes profound feelings for anyone who reads it, or maybe it's just because I've got this misunderstood teenage girl trapped inside of me."
She laughs, "I was kidding about that, Humphrey. To be honest, I ate that entire series up. I didn't read each book when they came out though, I waited for them all to release and read them within a week. But it's like as soon you start reading you can't stop."
"Exactly! I have no idea how that works. I quite literally couldn't stop."
"Which book was your favourite?"
"I haven't really thought about that actually, but now that I do, I'd probably say 'New Moon'."
"No ways! Mine too!" Her eyes sparkle.
"For real?" I beam.
"Yes! Wait, wait, so does this mean you're Team Jacob?"
I have to laugh, "I don't know, I can't decide, but nobody can tell me Bella didn't fall for Jacob during 'New Moon'. It was so obvious."
"Right! And that kiss in 'Eclipse' just proves it. I honestly think Meyer spoiled it all when she had Jacob imprint on Bella's baby in the finale. That was so weird."
"I was literally arguing this same point for weeks with Jenny. What the hell was even going on there? Meyer probably thought she needed to give Jacob some sort of consolation for Bella not choosing him, but I'd rather he be just that, someone who Bella didn't choose. There were actually so many different ways Meyer could've played that story out. It would've been even more interesting had Jacob imprinted on Bella but she was still in love with Edward. Like imagine all the storylines that would unfold from that predicament alone."
"Yeah, it was definitely done to close holes in the story so that Edward and Bella made more sense. But I just enjoyed Bella and Jacob's story way more. The way they started out as friends, him being her confidant, their little inside jokes about their age gap, them always cuddling, them working on the bikes together, Jacob being the reason she could find a smile when she was hurting so badly. Like, ughhhh, they were everything!" Blair grunts.
"Why is it always the second lead character that has to suffer?" I mimic her cries and throw my hands in the air.
"Did you watch the 'Twilight' movie?"
"Yeah, of course."
"Thoughts?"
"I actually enjoyed it. Obviously nothing compared to the book but not bad."
"Yeah, I kinda liked it too. Did you hear about 'New Moon' coming out in November?"
"No, I didn't actually. Now I'm excited!" I reply.
"I can't wait myself. Even though I already know Jacob doesn't end up with Bella, I just wanna see what their relationship will look like with real people."
"Have you read the books after watching 'Twilight', yet?"
"No, not yet, why?" She responds.
"Well, that whole thing you just said about seeing how it looks with real people, after watching 'Twilight', when you go back to the book all you can see are the people who played Bella and Edward and everyone else in the films. Like I'm sure every single person who read 'Twilight' had their own ideas, within the descriptions that Stephenie Meyer gave us, of how each character looks. But now I can't imagine anything other than what the film depicted."
"And is that a good thing or a bad thing, Humphrey?" She inquires gently.
"I don't know..." I chuckle, "...I mean, it's not like the casting was way off from what the book described. So maybe it was a good thing. It definitely stabilised my imagination and put the book into a material setting."
Blair smiles, but all of a sudden she's looking at me with glassy eyes ready to crack, "You know, I missed this so much, Dan..." And before a tear can escape from her eyes, I shift nearer to her and pull her into my arms, "...I missed you so much..." Her voice breaks as her head collapses into my neck, "...so fucking much!" She wraps her arms around me tightly and if it weren't for that, I'd most likely crumble into a thousand pieces of despair all over again.
"I missed you too, Blair. More than I can ever tell you." I say as my fingers rub through her damp hair.
Her warm tears are anything but as she hiccups into my neck. I kiss her head and hug her as close to me as possible, praying it's doing something to comfort her. We stay in each other's embrace for a minute or two, and then Blair brings her face out and wipes her eyes.
"At least I'm not wearing any mascara this time." She jokes and my nerves settle.
"Yeah..." I chuckle.
But then I take her cheeks into my hands as gently as possible, bringing her eyes up to mine, and with my thumbs I wipe away the last few escaping tears.
"Another kiss? To take our mind's off things?" I ask jokingly.
Blair chuckles through her little cries and nods. A stupid smile forms on my face and I bring my nose down to hers. I'm probably biased but she's got the cutest nose. And as I'm grazing mine along hers, Blair turns her head up gently and our lips meet. Her hands slowly find themselves on my jaw and then the back of my head. She kisses me so tender this time, as if I'm the one that was just in tears, ready to shatter. To be fair, I wasn't far off.
She pulls away and gets off the couch, "Come..." She gives me her hand, which I take.
She then pulls us to the bed and immediately my heart starts racing. Does she want to..?
"Will you hold me? I just need you to hold me." She says as she climbs onto the bed, our hands parted.
A relieving lump falls down my throat.
"Like cuddle with you?" I ask.
"Yes. Cuddle with me." She says but her eyes beg.
I kick off my shoes and get onto the bed with her. She then lays another soft kiss onto my lips, one that feels like a thank you, before turning onto her side. I lay down next to her and she lifts her head up for me to slide my arm under it. Thanks to Alicia I'm not entirely unsure of what to do here. I wrap my left arm around her waist and pull her into me so that our bodies twine together perfectly. Her hair smells like flowers and her head rests like a feather.
"Nothing feels like this." Blair says.
"I know." I reply.
"I think I get it now."
"Get what?" I ask.
"I get why people want to be held. Because this is the safest feeling in the world." Blair turns around to face me.
Our eyes collide and I'm frozen. But she runs her hand along my cheek and her warm touch melts me once more.
"If I could have it any other way, any other way, Dan, I would choose to lie here with you until my lungs exhale their last breath. I hope you know that."
A wave of emotions rush over me as blood races to my cheeks. A newfound heat must be within Blair's grasp as she continues to play her thumb there. My eyes shut to stop any tears from escaping as my jaw clenches. A deep sigh leaves my mouth. A few hours ago I was certain Blair never wanted me again. Hardly felt anything for me anymore. Probably couldn't care less about me.
Now she is here, holding me as I've longed to be held. Touching me as I've pined to be touched. Telling me things I've yearned to be told. How do I hold this joy? This pure and utter joy in my heart that she still wants me? That she still cares about me? I cannot stand this joy, because this is not my joy to hold, not my joy to keep. Tomorrow I'll go and tomorrow she'll leave. Parting ways seems to be all we have for one another.
"I know you're worried..." She cuts through my thoughts.
"I'm terrified, Blair." I break, tears gushing out my eyes.
Blair sits up immediately and pulls me into her chest. She wraps her arms around me and I hate it. Hate it because I need it. Hate it because by tomorrow I won't have it.
"I can't be away from you..." I hiccup, "...I can't bare to see you leave, again."
My own words pierce through my heart as I feel Blair tighten her hold on me. I despise myself for doing this to her. For falling apart like this. She is absolutely helpless in this situation. None of this is what she wanted.
Immediately I sit up and try to pull myself together. It shocks Blair but she doesn't protest, or try to pull me back to her.
"I'm sorry, Blair. I'm so sorry. I...none of this is your fault and I'm making it yours and I just...I wish..."
"Dan..." She moves closer to me, her eyes looking at me as if I'm insane but she understands all my insanity, "...you don't have to apologise for your feelings. You are not making anything my fault. Everything you feel, all the hurt, all the pain, I feel it too. Just thinking about tomorrow and all it entails makes me wince. I understand, I swear to you, I understand. So please, come back here for a sec." She opens her arms.
It's an invitation I could never decline as my body moves by itself into hers. She wraps her arms around me and everything feels lighter, easier.
"Thank you." She says softly, softer than the summer breeze whistling into the room, as I nestle into her neck. "Tomorrow is terrifying, I agree. But you're Daniel Randolph Jonah Humphrey. Need I say more?" I can hear her smiling.
The amount of faith she has in me is undeserved. Had she known what a wreck I've been since she's left, she would've never had said that. But maybe this is what I needed to do when she left the first time. And the second time. Fall graciously into a moment I could hardly imagine to be anything but horrifying. Blair tried to soothe me that day on the bench but I stopped her. She tried again that rainy night in my room but I stopped her. Why did I do that? When all she wanted to do was help as best she could in a situation where she was completely helpless.
Maybe this is all we have. Maybe our being together is like that of an autumn leaf beckoned to fall. And if falling is all we have, if parting is all we know, then basking in our dismay might be our only hope. We cannot run from our past nor our pain, and we cannot hide from our future nor our fate.
So I bring my face out of Blair's neck and pull her down next to me so that her eyes are on mine again and my own arms are wrapped around her. She smiles my favourite smile when our eyes meet and her hand finds it's rightful place on my cheek. Maybe I don't need a lifetime with Blair. Maybe the minute moments that hold forever feelings, the little times that stick eternally in my mind, maybe they're my lifetime with her. And if that is it, then I am grateful. Because just to feel her as I am now, to hold her as I am now, to hear her as I am now, it is something I don't even think heaven could compete with. In all it's infinite glory.
"You're smiling." She says.
"I am?" My eyebrows furrow.
She chuckles, "Didn't you know?"
"Nuh-uh." I shake my head, smiling knowingly now.
"So you feeling better?" She asks a little cautiously.
"Yes, thanks to you."
"Well, I'm just glad I could help." She says and then kisses my nose.
"You know what you were saying now, about me being Daniel Randolph Jonah Humphrey, and all?"
"Yeah?"
"Same goes for you, Blair Cornelia Paige Waldorf." I say and give her my own kiss on her nose.
She beams as her cheeks blush. Suddenly a yawn escapes me and her eyes soften in response.
"How long we got till the dress is done?" She asks.
I look over her shoulder at the clock on the wall, "About an hour."
"Okay." Her voice goes ethereal as she turns around and moves back into me, "Let's just stay like this until then."
A smile she doesn't see forms on my face as I pull her closer to me. My eyes are heavy but everything else feels light. And it's because of her. She is gentleness, and she is tenderness, and she is kindness, and she is softness, personified.
She is the sun kissing the ocean...