I.
It was one of those nights. The kind that he dreaded. The kind that was becoming rather dangerously like a habit.
Han Joon-hwi's on again, off again relationship with soju was becoming something of a liability. The intoxicating assault on the senses was turning into a snare. It began as a casual affair, no strings attached but over time it has turned into a full blown tryst with no light at the end of the tunnel. He had grabbed on to whatever cold comfort that was on offer and in those early days it offered plenty or so it seemed at the time. These days however, soju was calling the shots, pulling the strings, wanting… no… demanding… his unquestioning servitude. The push and pull was inevitably taking its toll especially on days when there was no reason to linger in the office and drown himself in endless paperwork to avoid an encounter with the unrelenting call of alcohol. Often he would find himself standing at the door to an empty apartment debating with himself if he should go in. Sure there was the sofa, widescreen tv and dining table. There was even a king-sized bed that's been barely slept in but that arrangement of furniture could scarcely be called home. The cupboards were bare save for an item or two of instant ramyeon. On the other hand, the fridge was home to beer, bottled water and of course the devil soju. It was a pit stop, a roof over his head, a place to wallow in solitude and occasionally a refuge from work. But hardly an invitation to stay. Hardly a place to call home.
Once upon a time home had been firmly in his grasp. Four plus years later and he was none the wiser. The home he had craved for with all of his being disappeared in a puff smoke. One moment she was there right in front of him and the next she was gone. She had left without so much as a hello or goodbye.
Did I do something?
Was it something I said?
In his better moments he thought not. But it was as if she never existed. As if any and all trace of her was erased. She was gone… apparently for good and she didn't say why.
From their first encounter when he first saw her trying to evade Yangcrates' eagle eyes, he knew he had found home. The part of him that was dying inside had come back to life and he was grateful. Grateful for her. Grateful for what she stood for. And grateful that he was in love with someone like her.
He let the empty soju bottle slip off his hand and roll noisily across the tiled floor as he climbed groggily onto the sofa and slumped across the cushions face down. Everything was a blur. Even the seething pain was numbed albeit all too briefly. Did Sisyphus really do this day in day out without the aid of some strong libation? In the thick morass of untangled thoughts, he had a vague recollection that Sisyphus was a mythological figure while he, Han Joon-hwi, was living his own personal existential nightmare in a hell of his own making.
His alcohol addled mind flashed first to the time he told her how she made him feel. Her response: Uncontrollable laughter… at first. She had thought it was some kind of prank he was pulling. But when he said nothing, she shot him one of her famous kill or be killed glares. No response from him. Gradually as realisation struck her between the eyes, she stared at him with a look of pure horror. So he thought.
"Why are you doing this? Aren't we friends?" The words spat out like bullets from a Gatling gun. "We are." He had responded. "But I want us to be more than that."
The conversation came to an abrupt end at that point. She left the building and he was left wondering if he'd succeeded in ruining their once-beautiful friendship forever.
Avoidance seemed to be the name of the game. Or so he thought. But later she said she was just thinking things through.
"I don't know what you see in me." Time was what she needed and now she was ready to have that conversation. "I see my entire future with you."
"That is pretty smooth, Han Joon-hwi. How long did you spend rehearsing this?"
He quickly mounted a protest. He wasn't trying to be glib.
"I'm not…"
She on the other hand seemed to be in agony. "I know, I know… it's just…"
"It's just what?"
"It's so surprising. I can't believe you can feel this way about me."
"I have felt this way about you forever."
"You have? And you said nothing? Until now?" She looked aghast. "There was always something going on. Murder, internship, your schedule was nuts. Tests, exams, legal clinic, trials. Mock trials. You can never say 'no' to a sob story. And there's always plenty of those. I didn't want to add to the pressure of whatever else was happening in your life. I figured there would always be time. Finishing law school well was always our priority."
"You're so considerate Han Joon-hwi that it's damn annoying."
Neither spoke for a while until he broke the uncomfortable wall of silence between them.
"So…"
"Why now?"
"Well, we're graduating next week…"
"And?"
"And I can't let some other guy get in the way."
She looked baffled for a moment and then it gradually dawned on her what he was talking about. "We are only partners on the contract law project. Nothing more."
"That's not how he sees it."
"Don't be ridiculous. And?"
She was glancing sporadically at him in anticipation.
"And I am crazy about you. Isn't that what you want to hear?"
"Kind of." There was a wistful look on her face.
Joon-hwi took her hand and dropped another bomb.
"I want you by my side. Let's get married."
The lady wasn't expecting to be proposed to and she let off a gasp. Her mouth opened but nothing came out of it. It took her some time to recover sufficiently before grumbling.
"Han Joon-hwi only you would go from confession to a marriage proposal without all the other stuff in between. We're not even dating yet."
"If you want to we can. But do we really need to?"
"You are ridiculous you know that."
"Does this mean you agree?" The woman in front of him made a face.
She didn't answer straight away. Joon-hwi could see the wheels turning inside her mind. Three years on, she's a book he would never tire of reading.
"I'm not agreeing to anything without any kind of collateral. What if you change your mind?" She was looking haughty and raring for a fight.
Joon-hwi's fingers dove into his coat pocket and pulled out a ring and slipped it onto her finger.
"You are nuts, you know that." She blinked twice at the shiny green gem sitting o top of the gold band. "Walking around campus with an engagement ring in your coat. Who does this?"
"I am a man who thinks ahead." He declared with affected confidence. "One of us has to."
Joon-hwi put on a show of confidence that he wasn't feeling. Deep down he was genuinely afraid. Nervous that he wouldn't be able to pull this off. Afraid that she would turn him down. Afraid that the future he envisaged would be shattered irreparably from this gamble.
"Us?" She huffed into her sleeve. "I'm still not sure about this 'us' business. How long have you been thinking ahead?"
"Probably for as long as I've known you."
She was staring at the new piece of jewellery — a perfect fit on her finger — and soon tears trickled down her blushing cheeks. It was just like him to think of everything.
"You are incorrigible." was barely discernible through the sobs. The presumption on his part was galling and loveable at the same time.
Joon-hwi decided unilaterally that a hug was needed at this very moment and quickly closed the gap between them with his arms wrapped around her with no thought of ever letting her change her mind.
"I like you Han Joon-hwi. I really do. I…"
"Only like?"
"I like you very very much."
Joon-hwi played up his disappointment as much as he could.
"I like you more than any guy I have ever met."
On hearing that he became alert but instead of replying he settled some contortion of the nose, eyes and forehead perfectly synchronized.
"I can't imagine being with anyone else."
"I can live with that."
"But can you live with me?" She shot him a quizzical look, feeling oddly shy.
"I've practically lived with you for the last few years."
"Yeah."
"Besides, you owe me plenty."
"Right."
"All those all-night cram sessions."
"Yeah, yeah… whatever." Now it was her turn to pout. "You don't have single romantic bone in that body."
"Don't I?" He pointed at the ring. "Marriage is a contractual relationship between two parties. Romance plays a minor part in its success."
"How can you say…" She began remonstrating and punching him in the chest.
Joon-hwi grinned broadly and pecked her on the lips to gain the desired effect. It stopped her in her tracks.
"You must think I'm cheap and easy." She rubbed her lips as if they stung.
"There's nothing cheap or easy about you. I had to work really hard for 3 years for this."
She narrowed her eyes, broke free from the embrace and crossed her arms with disapproval at the jibe. "I have a good mind to turn you down right now to teach you a lesson Mr Complacent Han."
He uncrossed her arms put them around his waist and leaned over, brushing his lips against hers ever so gently before meeting her gaze.
"This is the side of you that I find insanely irresistible. God only knows how I managed to hold back this long."
This time Joon-hwi didn't hold back. The peck was always a precursor to something more. He saw in her eyes a longing that broke him. Seized by an unfamiliar urge, their lips came together somehow. Perfectly imperfectly. Now wallowing in despair and clouded by brain fog, Joon-hwi didn't remember how. All he remembered was not wanting for any of it to end. Like a torrential rain in the height of the monsoon season all the feelings he'd kept pent up came gushing out. The woman he loved loved him back. She was his and he was hers. Their future was secured. It was going to be them against the world like always. Or so he had believed.
A groan fell from his lips at the memory what had been. The soju was destined to be a poor substitute but as a sedative it was working wonders. He was being lulled to sleep. He didn't drink to forget. He didn't want to forget. To dull the ache in his soul certainly but he wanted to remember and remember all of it because these memories were the lifeline to a man who was barely able keep his head above the water.
Where the hell are you Kang Sol? Are you dead or alive?
The phone on the coffee table was calling for him but Han Joon-hwi had fallen into a dreamless slumber, dead to the cacophony of the world beyond his four walls.