Violet Skies

by 3amghostt

"I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory. Some happy, some sad, I think of childhood friends, and the dreams we had in our world." -Styx. (Explicit. Graphic scenes. TW for violent themes. Genderbend, Yuri.)

Twin Flames

"I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory. Some happy, some sad, I think of childhood friends, and the dreams we had in our world."

-Styx.

LxLight, gender bend, Yuri

---

She's the new neighbor. Light doesn't notice her, not really, she just gives her a fleeting glance because she's in her peripheral vision, and because there's nothing better to look at. Her eyes do that a lot, they roam the area and capture each minute detail. She's always observing, never knowing when she'll see something out of the ordinary that she'll need to take stock of for the future.

It's a warm summer day, the kind that's remembered well into one's teenage years. The warm orange glow of the sun makes dewdrops on top of grass blades sparkle like glass, birds chirp melodically, and Light is perfectly content to lay on her stomach under the old Sakura tree in her backyard, feet swinging in the air lackadaisically while the warm breeze rushes through her cascading amber locks.

She's tracing her fingers over a new charcoal sketch, watching as the black dust collects messily on her fingertip. She's so listless, restless, just waiting for an adventure, much like most twelve-year-old's do. It's nearing the end of summer vacation and in two, no, one week and six days, she'll be sentenced to a whole new beast, upper-secondary school.

She's worried, to put it bluntly, but these nerves are wrapped up in a pretty box and topped off with a neat bow, her parents take her nervous twitches for excitement. Private school is a whole different beast than public elementary, and she barely survived that as is. Light tries to comfort herself with the thoughts of new students, new opportunities, and the fact that she'll be getting her braces off next month. God, that still seems so far away though. She hasn't dropped as much weight as she would have liked but her mother did promise they could go to the salon soon to get a new-

A sudden thump breaks her out of her distracted rivière, she flinches as her eyes zero in on a small blue ball. What on earth?

"Hey?" A low voice calls over the fence, clearly heard though the other isn't screaming. "Do you mind if I jump over to get that?"

Light looks around, stupidly making sure that the girl hasn't called out to anyone other than her even though she's the only one outside. "Uh, sure?"

Ten spindly fingers suddenly grip the harsh spike of the white picket fence, before a sudden lithe body catapults its way over. Light watches, a bit in awe how the girl just seamlessly jumped over a fence that's at least three feet high.

It's the new neighbor, obviously, because she's coming from the house on the left. Light immediately profiles her, something her father would be proud of. She has short, wavy hair that falls just to her shoulders, bangs that sweep over her eyes and her raven-black hair is so shiny it's almost reflective. Light touches her own curls unconsciously, somewhat insecure.

She also takes in the fact that this girl is wearing blue jeans and a long-sleeved white t-shirt in the middle of august. Isn't she hot?

"Thanks." The girl smiles, her thin lips curving up as she pads a few feet over to wear Light's sitting. "What's your name?"

"Light. Yagami Light. What's yours?"

"You can call me L." Her new neighbor sticks out her hand, which Light just stares at, confused. "Oh, I forgot, hand shaking is a western greeting. Sorry." L apologizes, bowing instead.

"Hand shaking?" Light asks, not liking to feel left out of anything.

"Yeah. You just grab my hand and shake it-here." she extends her hand again and Light shifts up to grab her surprisingly warm palm, looking up into her sparkling silver irises as their fingers clasp around the other's wrist. "It's nice to meet you Light. Are you doing anything?"

"I'm drawing." Light shrugs, partly wanting to hide her work from this stranger but also wanting to show it off because she did work hard on it. "Do you wanna see?"

"Sure." L plops down, cross-legged and bouncing, and her eyes widen as Light hands over her sketchpad. "Woah. This...this is really good! Did you draw this yourself?"

Light rips a small dandelion weed out from under her, idly ripping the petals out and ducking her head to hide her flustered blush. Her teachers tell her she has potential, of course, and her parents hang up each and every one of her drawings on the refrigerator, but they're her parents, it's kind of their job to love everything she does whether it's actually good or not. No one's ever really taken an interest in her drawings before...

But this stranger? She's just met L, she has no reason to lie. She has no reason to even say something she thinks Light would want to hear, because who would care about Light's opinion? Light takes the compliment as genuine, feeling a smile form before she can stop it.

"Thanks. I kinda messed up on the window here but..." she mumbles, pointing her finger at where the lines smudge just a bit. It's just a simple sketch of the back of her house, patio and sunroom and all. "There's my room. It's the one with the balcony. See?"

"No, it's really good." L nods her head emphatically. "Are you an artist?"

"I doodle." Light would like, no, love to be an artist, but one time when she mentioned it to her father in passing her just laughed and told her that becoming an artist isn't exactly a respectable job. It's a good hobby, she knows that now, but it won't be what she goes to college for. Still, she loves to practice...

"I wish I could draw. You're really good, do you think you could teach me?"

Light looks up at L again, and really looks at her this time. She feels this urge to run away and hide, and she can't exactly understand why. But L's still smiling at her, and she looks like she really likes Light. She's kind of afraid that this is another trick, like her old group of 'friends' used to play on her. But L's eyes don't seem to contain an overlaid film of falseness.

Light, tentatively, decides to like L.

"Yeah, I can teach you."

---

"I met the new neighbors today." Sachiko mentions over dinner, motioning for Soichiro to pass the steamed cabbage. He doesn't notice, he's reading the paper, which her mother has scolded him for but he still does it anyway. "The father, Watari, he seems nice. He mentioned my garden, says he wants to grow one of his own. And he has a daughter about Light's age."

"L." Light smiles, digging into her honey-glazed salmon, and then remembers to cut it up into small pieces first. "Yeah, we hung out this afternoon. She's cool."

"Will she be going to Yokosuka?"

Light's smile wans. "No, she's homeschooled." Which sucks, because Light would have felt much more confident going into school with an actual friend. Can she call L a friend? L was super pleasant to be around this afternoon, but Light has learned that everyone needs a trial period so she can deem if they're truly trustworthy.

L will not turn into another Mei situation; she'll be sure of that. She couldn't handle that trauma another go around...

"Can I be homeschooled?" Sayu chirps, a milk mustache forming. "I hate school!"

"No. Wipe your mouth." Soichiro's eyes flick up, once, and then return to back to his small world of black and white.

Light sighs, picking the napkin off her lap to dab at her own lips even though it wasn't her that he was talking to. It never is, though.

---

Light stands, wobbling from her left foot to her right, on L's doorstep. This is stupid. She should leave. No, L asked her to come over today. It's not a big deal, she just has to ring the doorbell and-

What if L doesn't answer?

Light blows her bangs out of her eyes, she's acting stupid, she knows this, she shouldn't let her insecurities bubble up but they boil over anyhow. She shuts her eyes, promising herself that if she hears a car honk that she'll knock three times.

On her quiet, peaceful, suburban street, a car honks once.

Light bites her lip, is the universe truly giving her a sign? She gives up her worries, knocking three times lightly, looking down at the brown welcome mat.

It takes perhaps only a few moments until the door lock unlatches.

"Hi Light." L says, quietly pleased as Light returns a small wave. "You wanna come in?"

"Sure." Light smiles back, easily, because even though she's only known L for a day everything feels so easy around her. The door closes tightly behind her as the sunlight is replaced with candles flickering and the overwhelming scent of vanilla and mahogany.

"There was a fuse that blew last night." L explains, beckoning Light up the tall hardwood stairs that are almost identical to her's minus the carpet. Boxes and box cutters and furniture covered in sheets are littered everywhere, but the house already has a sort of comforting vibe that makes it feel as if love has lived in this house for a thousand lifetimes. "But my room has a pretty big window, it'll be light enough in there. If not, well, I have you."

Light laughs at the joke, pale pink fingernails skipping over the sleek railing as the two traipse their way upstairs, suddenly running into a man with glasses and greying hair who's making his way downstairs. L's dad, Light's guessing.

"Hello." he smiles pleasantly, giving Light a brief look before he wipes his brow. He's wearing grey sweatpants stained with paint and oil and his t-shirt is about three sizes too big. "L, who's this?"

"Light. She lives next door."

"Ah. Hello then, Light, I don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting yet. I'm Watari." he bows, but Light sticks out her hand, now knowing better. L's father takes it with a twinkle in his eye, grasping Light's hand lightly. "I had the chance to meet your mother yesterday, give her my regards."

"I will." Light feels an air of sophistication about this man that's somehow contagious. "She has a few seeds to give you, she said. Peonies and lilacs."

"That's very nice, thank you." Watari says, shooting L a look before squeezing past them. "Mind L's room, she hasn't had a chance to get it all put together yet. I don't suppose you could help her with that?"

"Oh God." L groans, sticking out her tongue and smiling teasingly when Watari turns around.

"Would you like to stay for dinner Light?"

"I-yeah, sure." Light readily agrees. She's never stayed over to have dinner at someone else's house before that wasn't family.

"He wasn't lying." L whispers, her hand ghosting the doorknob as she whispers to Light a secret. "I don't have a lot of furniture besides my desk, but I have books everywhere. And the walls a really nasty shade of beige so it's only half painted over in white."

"It's fine, I don't care." Light shrugs. Her room is always so meticulously clean that it looks more like a museum exhibit than anything else, and sometimes it makes her feel dead inside.

So L opens the door, and she's not wrong, it does look like a tornado has spiraled through. But Light's eyes are immediately drawn to the vast array of books on the floor, as well as the 'Gentlemen Prefer Blonde's.' poster and the national geographic poster depicting a tree frog are already hung on the walls.

"His name's blondie." L says, pointing at the frog.

Light cackles, a bit unladylike.

"Why? He's not blonde?"

"I knew a kid that looked like him once." L says, and that makes Light burst into a fit of giggles that has her clutching her stomach. L joins in and then the two's laughter bumps off of each other until the walls of the room are practically shaking, peeling the paint.

"Have you read this?" L finally asks, wiping her eyes and going to pick up a book closest to her foot.

Light gazes at the cover, shaking her head. "The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.' Huh.

L's eyes widen. "Oh, I'm so reading it to you."

Oh, if Light loves reading books by herself, then it's something else entirely when L reads them to her. They settle on the small queen mattress, still laid flat upon the floor, and L reads chapters one-through five until the colors of the sky change from blue to magenta and lavender, and when the sun begins to trickle into moonlight, Light's eyes are half-lidded and her mind is filled with fascinating pictures she wishes were really real. L's got a really soothing voice, it's something that itches the furthest corner of her brain and makes her feel as if she weighs nothing more than air. She could just float away, if her head wasn't nuzzled securely in the crook of L's shoulder. And L's good at making the words pop up from the pages, telling the story as if she was there herself and when Light closes her eyes finally she imagines her and L there, together.

L's become a permeant fixture in her daydreams now, and they've become more fulfilling because of it.

Her stomach rumbling and Watari's call for dinner is the only thing that can pull them away from their little world, locking the door behind themselves securely because it is really only for them.

---

Watari's cooking truly is something to ride home about. Light envies L for being able to live here, now she wants to spend every dinner with L and Watari, not even feeling treacherous for choosing this dinner over her mother's.

They have something that's L's favorite, other than sweets, which Light learns she could eat without ever stopping. After tasting Watari's chocolate chip and strawberry cheesecake, she sees why. But before desert comes a feast of cornish game hen with rosemary and garlic bread on the side. Light would feel fat, but the bread is crunchy and savory and the chicken is so damn tender that she doesn't dare let herself feel bad for her freeing night of indulgence.

And Light feels so fancy with her fine china and silver silverware, dabbing her lips daintily with a napkin but losing her cool when L burps loudly and proudly.

The house is dark, sort of like a cave, but the light from the candles creates warmth and a sort of dreamlike haze that makes Light feel like she really is in a storybook. Watari regals her with embarrassing stories from L's youth while L chokes and sputters on the sparkling grape juice that Watari gave them while he sips on his own wine. Light likes it, feeling like a grownup, sipping from a thin wineglass that when tapped sounds like the singing of angels.

Laughter and smiles seem free of charge tonight, L blows out candles and Light has the privilege of relighting them (solely because of her name which she finds hysterical) and Light's very, very, supremely glad that she heard a car honk today.

---

"If you could have any pet in the world, what pet would you have?"

"Easy. A bird."

"A bird?" L cocks her head, her eyes curious, but not judgmental. "Why a bird?"

Light shrugs. "I dunno, there's lots of different species, and some of them have really pretty feathers. And they can fly. I think it'd be cool to have a pet that could fly."

"But what if it started pooping while it was flying. Ew, think of your bedspread." L pinches her nose, and Light breaks out into giggles.

"Shut up. I'd potty train it."

"I guess if you got a parrot, you could teach it how to talk." L muses. "Just think of all the pranks you could pull! I'd hide the bird in my closet, and then when Watari came into my room, I'd have the bird start speaking so he thought our house was haunted."

"Oh, we have to do that." Light nods, knowing that her father would never allow her a bird, but it's still a funny thing to imagine. Much of her world is imagined, the world's she can create inside of her mind are prettier. "What pet would you have?"

"A cat." L says instantly, violently prepared. "Back in England I used to have this calico named 'Spice'. She was a good cat, she used to just curl up in my lap and sit there for hours while I read. And she slept with me every night, sometimes I'd wake up to the sound of her purring."

"What happened to her?"

"She was an old cat when we rescued her, she died a few years back." L says, her lips pulling into a frown and Light immediately feels guilty.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It was nice while it lasted." L says, seeming to break out of her memorial haze. "So, tomorrow's the first day back to school. Are you excited?"

A knot immediately curls in the pit of Light's stomach. God, she can almost feel the sweat drip from her pores as a future headache forms. No, she's not. Not even in the slightest. "Sure, I mean, it's school so...I'm not terribly hyped but I'm sure it'll still be fun."

"Oh. Did I say something wrong?"

"Huh?"

"You look quite upset now."

Light's confused. Does she? She doesn't feel like she's going to burst into tears, and she's still smiling. "No, I'm fine. What do you mean?"

"Well, your eyes just... you looked kinda...sad." L shrugs, as if there's no way she could verbally describe the change she's just witnessed. "And your shoulders hunched forward, just a little bit. It's how you look when your mom calls you in for dinner."

Oh. Light wonders if she should divulge her true thoughts to L. Should she? L hasn't given Light any reason to distrust her, but still. She's worried that her truthful thoughts will be too ugly for L, and then she'll leave. And even though Light's cautiously friends with her new neighbor, she still feels attached enough at this point that if L was to decide not to be friends anymore, she'd become despondent for at least a few weeks and probably cry.

But, then again, L has told her a few things that aren't exactly picture perfect. Like, how her mother and father both died when she was five and Watari adopted her, so he's technically only her legal guardian. L's told Light that she has nightmares, terrible nightmares filled with flesh-eating zombies and ghosts. And some dreams of her past, but she didn't offer any more details on that matter because those dreams were apparently more rotten that those with ghouls. Light understands, in some capacity. With the line of work that her father's in, she knows that real life is often times more frightening than the monsters under one's bed.

And then, L told her that despite those nighttime terrors, speaking to Light for the first time was actually one of the scariest things she's ever done.

Light was so confused upon hearing that. "Why were you scared?" she had asked, and L had looked away.

"I thought you might ignore me."

She still can't very well wrap her mind around that, especially since Light's the one always being ignored. And L hadn't seemed very afraid, in fact, Light had envied her for just jumping over and talking to her seemingly without a care in the world.

Light fidgets, picking up an eraser shaped like a cloud and turning the wheels on her chair slightly so that now she's facing her computer. She can see herself mirrored in the blackness of her computer monitor, and Light doesn't much like the darker version of herself. She looks fake, somehow, stretched out of some foreign material.

This might be foolish, but Light's tired of worrying and wasting away into her fears. She just wants to finally talk to someone, and she wants for them to just once, listen to what she has to say.

"I'm not excited for school. I'm...actually terrified." Light mumbles at last.

"Why's that?"

"I don't have many friends at school." Light says, fishing, throwing out a small bit of bait and waiting to see what L will do with it.

"Why?"

"...If I tell you, you might not want to stay friends." Light warns.

"Light, that's ridiculous. I like you." L scoffs, but sounds caring, and delicate, as if Light's a fragile piece of glass. She supposes that right now that's all they are, foxes circling each other tentatively, waiting to see who's friend and who's foe. "Nothing you tell me is going to make me dislike you, unless of course you're an ax murderer or something."

Light wants to laugh, but instead she blows out a breath that's thick and shaky. "I... was an odd child, I guess? I don't know, I was shy and making friends wasn't exactly high on my priority list. I liked to study, read books and watch movies that were rated R not for violence but for 'mature themes', whatever that means. My mom noticed that I never brought anyone home, and when she asked why I told her I didn't like anyone." Light laughs at that, not because it's particularly funny but just because she's nervous. "I didn't relate to any of my classmates, I thought they were childish and boring. I mean...that sounds awful but, that's just how I thought." Light looks over to L, and L just nods, her hands clasped and resting over her mouth. Her elbows rest on top of her knees, because she loves to sit like a frog.

Light continues. "But my mom told me it wasn't normal not to have friends, and that she wanted me to have playdates more often because she...she wanted me to be normal. And she looked so sad, so desperate...I didn't want to disappoint her more than I already had. So, I tried to make friends. And that... that's easier said than done. If I thought my classmates were weird, they felt the same about me. They didn't like me for being smart and studying which is...it seems ridiculous, but that's how school is. Every time I tried to talk to someone, they'd just ignore me or laugh at me. It...it might have something to do with my looks. I'm not pretty." Light swallows. "I have braces, and back then I had to wear corrective glasses for a few months, so I got stamped with the nickname 'four-eyes.'"

"Light..." L murmurs.

"And then this one girl," Light's face immediately sets into hard stone as memories of her former 'best friend' begin to trickle in, tainting the corners of her mind. "this one girl told me I was fat. Which was a big surprise to me, because I had never thought of myself as fat before, but she told me I was fat and that my hair was mousy and that my face looked like a pizza. And you know what? I still wanted to be friends with her. How stupid was that? I don't know why, she was-is an awful person. But...she was the first person at that school to give me any sort of attention. She and her little group of friends took me in...and I knew that I was the laughingstock, I knew that they only hung around and invited me to places as a joke, or to show the other boys how pretty and perfect they were compared to me but...I didn't care. I tried to tell myself I didn't care. Until Mei, that was her name, told one of the popular boys in my class to give me a valentine as a joke. I didn't realize it was a joke until I showed up at the playground for the 'kiss' he promised me, only to find half the class there sitting and waiting to laugh at me. So much for my smarts, huh?"

"That's awful." L says firmly. Light sees her face join her in the blank reflection of the monitor as she comes to stand behind her, just far away so as not to overwhelm, but to offer cautious comfort. "People are cruel. I'm sorry Light, you didn't deserve that. No one deserves that sort of treatment, except for perhaps the perpetrators themselves."

Light doesn't want to cry, she really doesn't, but water is collecting in her tear ducts faster than she can blink it away, and so she pretends that an eyelash has fallen into her eyes by pulling out a small pocket mirror. The wet, pitiful laugh that accompanies her words probably doesn't help matters though.

"It's fine. I mean, not fine but, y'know, it's fine." she pauses. "It was a lesson learned."

"That's harsh." L snorts, still sounding concerned.

"No, really." Light insists. "Now I know that that's just how the world works. People are cruel, they can turn into monsters at the blink of an eye, and there doesn't have to be a reason, sometimes people are just cruel. And I guess that it's good I learned that lesson young, because you can't trust people, not really. And now I know that."

"I-" L fumbles, scratching her head. "Yes, that's true. It's true. There are a lot of people in this world you can't trust."

Light nods, now feeling a bit uncomfortable with the somber tone she's created.

"Yeah. So-"

"But there are people that are worthy of your trust." L finishes. "I know that."

"Are there?"

"Yes." L promises. "I trust Watari, and that didn't happen overnight. And...I want to trust you. I think I do trust you, even though we've only known each other for a few weeks, I feel like I'm adequately gifted at figuring people out, and I think that you're a person who deserves my trust."

Oh. Light doesn't exactly know how to respond to that, not in a way that wouldn't sound less to what L's already said, but she might trust L too. She thinks she does. She wants to. And, well, this isn't exactly information her parents know...no one really knows her story but herself and the villains, though they've twisted the narrative into something ugly. But L knows the truth, her truth, and that's got to count for something, right?

But before Light can even think of what she might say, L's speaking again. "You know what would be fun?"

They're moving on? Oh, that's fine then. That's actually easier for Light. "Hm?"

"Have you ever been down the hill behind your house?"

Light hasn't.

---

Turns out, there's small gurgling brook just down the grassy hill, where the grass and weeds give way to rocks and moss and the muddy ground transforms into fine granules of sand.

Right now the water's sort of a dark navy blue, with patches of leaves floating around randomly, Light wonders how bright blue it is in the daylight. But it seems to be clear, clear enough to see the silver full moon reflected in the ripples. They're still too close to Tokyo to see any real stars, not like the ones in the country, but sometimes Light pretends the small planes are shooting stars and makes a quiet wish for herself.

"Watari and I came down here the other day to feed the ducks." L says, coming up behind her. "They must be sleeping now."

"Like we should be." Light says, giddy and somewhat ashamed that she's snuck out past her bedtime. This seems so rebellious, like she's finally growing into her skin as a teenager. But, her house is no more than a few yards away. She can still see the roof form where she's sitting if she straightens her spine.

"Sleep is for the weak." L trills, ever the insomniac, and sits down on a rock. Light follows suit, not wanting to dirty her pink Hello Kitty pajama bottoms with sand. That'll never come out, and show the evidence of her misbehavior.

"This is nice." Light murmurs, closing her eyes three-fourths of the way so that the natural surroundings become grey blurs. "I never even knew this was here." She should start leaving her house more often. This would be a lovely scene to translate onto paper.

"I love the sounds of nature." L sighs. "I can't fall asleep without ocean waves, whenever Watari actually makes me get some sleep. Where we used to live, back in England, there wasn't a natural body of water around for miles. But, there was a forest. That was nice. I miss the trees sometimes."

"Would you ever want to go back?"

"Maybe someday." L whispers. "Maybe."

An owl hoots, but it's non-threatening, almost a welcome. Light likes that she can sit with L, in complete silence, soaking up the natural aura of themselves. So many people feel they need to fill up the quiet with noise, because they're almost afraid of the nothingness, but Light welcomes it. She thinks that to be alone with someone else and their thoughts, without a single word being spoken into the dusky atmosphere, might be the happiest she's ever been. It brings a small, soft smile to her face, one that doesn't hurt her cheeks.

---

The day following the last night, they find themselves back at that quiet brook that welcomes them with open arms. The first day of school has come and gone, and the only thing Light was grateful for was that it was quietly uneventful. She didn't have to talk much, so her lips stayed tightly pursed, the way they should be until her braces come off in a week.

L somehow knows that Light doesn't want to talk about school, and so she doesn't bring it up, she just knows that no news is good news. No tears to dry is a win in their books. Light doesn't ask about her online tutoring either, for it seems fairly irrelevant to L, who knows the things books teach but plays the game anyway only for pointless titles paper people covet.

"Let's make this our spot." L suddenly says, the moonlight coloring her words, and Light looks over lazily at the way the sparkle from the sky lights up her pale features like stardust. L really is pretty. She wishes she could look like L, like a child who the stars have birthed.

"Our spot?" Light echoes with a snort, but the grows serious. "Okay. Pinky swear. This is a nice spot."

Small fingers intertwine, strings still holding them together even after they part.

"And in this place..." L sounds nervous, but L always ends up saying what she's thinking anyway. Some thoughts just take longer to vocalize. "Whatever's said here stays here."

Ah, a pact. Light gets that. Light likes that.

"Agreed."

The wind rustles the grass just so, and then L's speaking again.

"I think our house is haunted."

"What makes you say that?" Light asks, curiously amused.

"I see shadows in the corner of my vision." L answers. "And, there was a tapping on my window last night."

"Was it the raven come to tell you nevermore?"

L chuckles, a warm and radiant noise. "It was probably a nightmare."

"Are those getting better?" Light asks, and L shrugs.

"Eh, not really."

"Oh..." Light's not sure if they're trading real secrets or funny stories, but she's got a bit of both. "Today after school, my mom took me to the mall as a reward."

"How dreadful." L sniggers.

"And we walked past this lingerie store...and there was this really pretty lace white bra I really wanted." Light sighed, trying not to self-deprecatingly look down. "But I can't even wear trainers yet. I feel like I'll be flat forever."

"You won't be." L says. "Puberty comes and goes and by the time it's gone you're an entirely different person."

"I hope." Light grumbles. "I mean, even last year I overheard girls in the locker rooms talking about how they've already gotten their periods."

"You...want a period?" L sounds like she's just stumbled onto the very existence of aliens themselves. "They're gross, and painful, believe me, be grateful for as long as you aren't afflicted with one."

"You have yours?!" Light sputters, eyes going wide.

"I was young. At first, I thought I was dying. Since Watari thought he had a few years he obviously didn't um...yeah, I woke up and I was bleeding and I thought I had either fell asleep in strawberry jam or punctured something." Light laughs despite herself, and L glowers even though she doesn't really mean it. "Oh shut up! My stomach hurt like I had just punctured something. I guess that's one of those times when I actually wished I had a mother..."

L tails off, suddenly going quiet. Light has a feeling they've just stepped onto a precarious minefield. But she's going to let L navigate.

L blows out a long breath. "I don't remember much of about my mother." she says finally. "And what I do remember isn't good. After my father left when I was three, she became hard. It's like he left and took any goodness she might have had with her. She...yelled, a lot. She threw things when she got drunk, which was practically every night and then those nights turned into afternoons. One time, I dropped a hot bowl of soup onto the floor, and she gave me this." L pulls up the sleeve of the shirt she always wears to show Light a small white circle branded onto her wrist. Light cringes, identifying it immediately and imagining the smell of burned flesh. "She smoked like a chimney."

"That's awful." Light says, feeling like she's not saying enough but she doesn't know what to say, it's just awful. She feels a black hole building inside of her and wraps her arms around herself to hide away from the shiver that doesn't come from the weather. "I'm so sorry, L."

"It's not your fault." L says, logically, like the fact that it is because it's true that it's not Light's fault. But she's still sorry.

Light couldn't imagine having a mother that willingly gave pain away to someone who she was supposed to nurture and protect from life's stings.

"Is having a mother all it's cracked up to be?" L laughs bitterly after a moment. Light bites her lip, pondering.

"My mother is nice." Light says. "Sometimes I don't think she knows exactly what to do with me. She wants me to be like her, better than her really, she wants me to have opportunities she didn't have, and I think that's why she's so anal about my grades and my social life. She loves me, I know that, but sometimes she feels more like an overbearing teacher than an actual mom."

"I get that." L nods, waves of hair that blends in with the night spilling over her shoulders as she attempts to tie it all away into a low ponytail. "Watari gets like that, sometimes. He's more caring than either of my 'parents' were, and I love him, but...sometimes I feel like that love is conditional based upon myself."

"Conditional love." Light nods. "Yeah. My dad knows all about that."

"Your dad?" L questions, knowing there's a story there. But it's a story not quite written yet, for Light doesn't know the ending or if she's just an unreliable narrator. These are just her feelings, and sometimes those don't make for a worthy story.

"He's just gone...a lot more now. He was promoted to Chief of the NPA last year and sometimes...I think it just gets to him and all. I get it, I mean, he's basically in charge of everyone and justice itself, and seeing the things that he sees...that would change a person. I know that. It's just...I felt like he used to like me, before I developed my own personality. I don't know, I'm probably being stupid."

"Your feelings aren't stupid."

"Yeah." Light flicks a pebble into the water, deflating when it sinks after the first carefree skip. "I heard him and my mom fighting the other night. He came home late for dinner...and I think he was drinking too. And my mom was furious, she just kept screaming about how it feels like he's a guest in our house. She's not wrong. Then she told him that Sayu caught a firefly and wanted to show him, but since he was so late, they had to let it go otherwise it would have died and then Sayu went up to her room and cried. Then he started screaming about how no one ever appreciates the sacrifices he's had to make. Then my mom started crying."

"I'm sorry." L whispers, even though they've both established that neither of their problems are the other's fault. "That must be horrible to hear."

"I had to put my headphones in." Light admits, staring out into nothingness until her vision unfocused. "I just hate it when my mom cries. And it makes me hate my dad a little bit for making her cry. I just... I don't know, how could you make someone you love cry?"

It's quiet then, but not the comforting kind. Neither of them has the answer, so they simply say nothing at all.

But then, L wraps a steady arm around the small of Light's back, and Light realizes that she's crying a little bit too. But L's arm feels nice. It's something she can sink into.

---

It's late in the fall, the time of year when rain pelts onto the glass windows and fogs them up, when leaves get caught in the rain and drown in puddles, when colors change to burnt orange and pale blue in the sky, and the sunrises leave faster than the sunsets. Light's been wearing nothing but turtlenecks, sweatshirts, and baggy sweaters, all which the kids in her grade quietly laugh at her for, because they aren't name brand and exorbitantly expensive when the only difference really is the name of the tab sticking out the back. L's fashion is finally weather appropriate, though lately Watari won't let her leave the house without a black and white plaid scarf. L tried to give it to her once, but it washed her out and looked better on L anyway. Now she's standing in Light's room wearing earmuffs and a deep frown etched into her face.

But Light's still laid in bed, swaddled in downy comforters. She forgot they were meant to hang out today and feels awful about it but then again, she just feels awful in general. She doesn't know exactly how to describe it, it's just this gnawing, biting feeling deep inside of her, and it inspires doom and dread. She feels sick, but her mother took her temperature and told her it was normal. She's normal. She's fine.

Tears crust her eyelashes, never wiped off from when she cried herself to sleep.

L notices, but only sits on the edge of the bed, leaving room for Light to talk when she feels like it.

Light eventually does, but it takes a while, and her voice is rough from disuse when she finally opens her mouth. Like she's L's picture of the tree frog, blondie.

"I'm sorry." she whispers. Sorry for what? For missing their hangout? For being sad? She's just...sorry. Terribly sorry. But that word sounds fake now, overused and overdone. "I'm sorry."

"Why?" L asks, genuinely wondering. "What do you mean?"

"I just...I'm a mess."

"No, you're not."

"I am."

"Light. I've seen messes. You are not a mess. You're sad. And that's normal."

"I don't feel..." Light says shakily, sitting up and wrapping her arms around knees that unconsciously find their way to her chest, feeling so small and so weak.

"Today's a bad day. I have them. Everyone does." L tells her, picking up a pillow to hug close to her chest. "Would you prefer to be alone?"

The panic that grips Light's heart and sinks its sharp claws in is immediate. It's like she's choking on air meant to keep her alive. She's drowning it feels like, and she's reaching out to clutch onto L's wrist for safety before she can even control herself. "No." she shakes her head. "No. Please."

L nods, scooting closer so that they're resting on the headboard together, wood digging into their necks as flat pillows support their backs. L draws small circles on Light's arm, and that's enough at least to make her breathing even out.

"Did something happen?" L supposes in a whisper.

Light wonders, did something happen?

There's a reason for her sadness, there must be.

No matter how shallow and trite it is.

"I guess...yeah. There was a dance last night at my school. And everyone went but me." she chews her lip, aware of how utterly pathetic she sounds. "I didn't go because no one asked me. And I knew no one would but it still..."

Hurts. It's a large, nasty, gaping wound that's still bleeding because she can't find a big enough band-aid to plaster across it.

"I would have asked you." L tells her, resting her chin on top of her shoulder for comfort. It helps more than she may ever know. "Boys at this age are stupid. You don't need them, Light."

"But I want them." Light argues in her smallest voice. "I don't even know why, they're all ugly anyway."

L laughs. "They're all too ugly for you."

"I'm too ugly for them." The words tumble out of Light's mouth before she even thinks them. She doesn't have to anymore, they're finely engraved into her very bone marrow, branded on there like a sickly mark of shame.

"That's completely false." L says, immediately, without a waver or inflection of hesitation. "Light, you're gorgeous. Seriously. I mean, have you looked in a mirror lately?"

"You're just saying that because you're my best friend." Light scoffs.

"No... I'm saying that because I have eyes." L argues.

"But you don't get it," Light sits up, throwing her arms out, thoroughly exasperated. "Most of the girls in my class have boyfriends, and all the boys have at least two girlfriends. Even if you're single, then you've been out on, like, a proper date before. Everyone but me! Don't you think that says something?"

"And how many of those 'couples' do you think are going to break up by next week?" L snorts. "Nothing means anything right now. You're probably better off."

"I don't feel better off. I feel like a fucking loser. I mean, I haven't even had my first kiss yet! The closest I came ended up being a prank, so it doesn't count."

"Just be glad you're not getting herpes." L scoffs, turning her chin suddenly. "Light, you're one of the prettiest girls ever."

Light averts her eyes, somewhat unnerved by how intense L's are. Not feeling like any of the adoration there is deserved. "I'm not. I have a bunch of split ends and huge pores...and I'm fat."

"No you're not."

"I'm not skinny."

"Light if you lost any more weight, you'd be a tree branch." L tells her. "You're perfect. I promise."

Light looks up again, almost shyly, not wanting to believe L could be lying but also not seeing the truth behind her words. What's l seeing that she can't? If Light was truly this stunning creature, wouldn't she know it? Wouldn't everyone else think she was something to be looked at too?

And then, L smiles.

It makes Light smile too.

And then, suddenly, L's leaning forward and kissing her. Kissing her?

Wha-

Light's eyes snap open, shocked, as L's lips press against her's lightly, just for a moment, and then she pulls away. Gone, like she was never there, but Light can still feel the phantom imprint of her lips against her own.

"There." she smiles. "Now you have a kiss from a real friend."

Light, flustered, doesn't know what to say. Her cheeks feel like they're on fire. "T-Thanks." she sputters, it might be the most awkward and embarrassing thing she could have said, but L just slaps her lightly on the arm.

"Now come downstairs, your mom said A Nightmare on Elm Street is on in a few minutes and she agreed to let us watch it."

---

Light thinks of that kiss a lot. Many, many complicated feelings are borne from that moment, but as the days go on, they seem to unravel naturally.

She thinks L might be the best friend she's ever had.

---

"Happy Halloween!" Light cheers, strutting into L's living room with an oversized gift bag and a jar full of homemade cookies. "And happy birthday. You're like, what, a hundred now?"

"A hundred and one." The newly turned thirteen-year-old and freshest teenager smiles, eyes glazing over when she sees the cookies. "Good Lord, did your mother make those? I love you."

"I helped." Light has to add in. "And the present's even better."

She hands it off, eyes circling the cutely decorated living room, complete with purple lights and pumpkins and skeletons hanging from the ceiling. "Watari agreed to let us watch the Saw movies tonight? Actually?"

"Totally. And that one about Jeffrey Dahmer." L mumbles, her fingers skimming over the packaging until her mouth suddenly drops to the floor. "Light!"

"You like it?"

In awe, L pulls out a small silver charm bracelet, the pendant of a small clock swinging from side to side, the same as the prized one Light always wears on her wrist. The silver glints, sparkles off the lowlight, and L can't stop staring at it, as if suddenly hypnotized.

"I...I love it." she says quietly. "It's the same as yours, yeah?"

"Yeah. It's like a friendship bracelet. But cooler." Light coughs. "And look at the back."

L's fingers sun over the back of the charm until they uncover a small latch, pulling it open to reveal a small compartment, smaller than should be possible and it's about as big as the eye of a needle. Okay, maybe a little bigger. The size of a jumbo sized needle.

"Mine has one too." Light explains, flipping her's open. "I put a little picture inside. I cut up that photobooth picture we took last week, mine has your face and yours has mine. I don't know, it's stupid but-"

"No, I love it." L whispers. "This is the most incredible gift I've ever received, thank you." And her arms are around Light's neck in a flash, she's upon her so fast that Light almost falls over her side of the couch and now they're both just laughing. What's so funny?

"Cake time." Watari announces, and they scramble away form each other, their cheeks flushed and hearts racing. L clears her throat before Watari's eyes can dart between the two.

"Look at what Light gave me." she never gives away the bracelet but holds it up to the light where Watari can see it. The older man squints, and then beams.

"That's very cute. Very nice." Wataru smiles. "I'm guessing that it'll grow onto your wrist like a second skin?"

"I'll wear it even in the shower." L nods. "Do you think the silver will rust?" Light just laughs, again, feeling so utterly happy for no particular reason. She's just...well, there's nothing to be sad about. Everything's so grand.

"Alright, let's sing-"

"No, let's not." L interrupts Watari hastily, but he hums a tune and Light begins belting out lyrics as if onstage.

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!"

"I'm not celebrating next year." L mutters petulantly, but she's still smiling, utterly bemused.

"Make a wish L." Watari lights all seventeen candles, they hum and flicker, dancing along with the spirited energy of the room, licking and waiting to consume. They capture Light's eyes and they stay with her.

Then she catches L looking at her, softly, delicately, like she's a dream L doesn't want to wake up from.

"What if I've already got all that I wished for?" L murmurs, grabbing onto Light's hands and holding tight.

---

"Your eyes matched the flames perfectly, the amber melted into honey." L tells her a few weeks later. "I love your eyes. I couldn't stop looking at them."

---

The dead leaves, dark brown and filled with holes, and covered by a blanket of white snow soon enough and Watari makes them hot cocoa with exactly five marshmallows as they watch the flakes spiral downwards together. Huddled around the fire, blankets consume them as the cold outside ravishes others. Light's family doesn't celebrate Christmas, but L's does, and they spend the day together, warm inside while frost nips at their cheeks.

Winter break is filled with slumber parties and outside adventures and trips to the mall and movie theater and anywhere else the two can convince Watari to drive them too. Their brook become frozen, twigs and leaves become trapped in the water below while Light looks at her reflection like a mirror. It's a glass box that they skip stones on top of, pretending that they themselves are skating over the thin mirror between worlds.

Light's not ready to go back to school. She never is. She'd graduate right now if given the chance. But L's always there for her at night, so it makes her dreams sweet. Girls tease but Light stays away from their radar, you don't poke a sleeping bear after all. Boys are loud and boisterous and grabby, but they stay away from Light, and she tries to count her blessings. They're few, but bountiful.

---

Sometimes late at night, L will look out of her window and meet eyes with Light if she happens to be sitting on her balcony. They'll make obscene hand gestures and giggle until L's lights switch off and Light has to retreat back inside. Light draws L as a frozen mannequin of perfection from her window, once, keeping this painting of wonders to herself. Anyone could see L from her window, but all Light sees is L. It's always L.

She's falling in love. She doesn't have an exact word for it, but it's the nicest thing she's ever done. She's terribly fond of L, and finally feels seen without a single word. There's hope, that for once, she's more than a girl next door that people's eyes simply skim over.

---

It's Sunday, the day before the last day of school, and Light throws her pencil down in a fit of true anger. She's so tired of studying. Studying, studying, studying...it's all she's been doing these last few weeks. She's lived in, breathed in the ink from the pages of her spiral notebooks. She's even sacrificed sleep for finals. She was handed a stick of concealer the other day which she promptly threw in the trash. It was a cruel joke, not even her shade.

Light thinks she never wants to see another lined piece of paper again. She wants to throw her notebooks and pens into the trash, not that that will solve anything, but at least she wouldn't have to look upon the wretched things anymore. Her wrist aches something fearsome, and Light wonders if it's possible to break your wrist by writing down too much. Pins and needles slowly creep into her fingers, still latched around her thin number two pencil.

But she knows she has to stay focused. She needs to keep writing in this notebook, even if it'll kill her.

She knows she has to be the best, because her mother won't settle for anything less, but being the best is utterly exhausting. She's positive no one studied as much as she does. Well, maybe L, but she seems to enjoy it. Light used to...

Speaking of L, she checks her phone, one message from L lights up the screen. 'Can't hang out, out of town and back in England. Sorry.' Blunt, to the point, just like L always is with perfect grammar, but Light still feels a stab of disappointment. Out of town? Back in England?

Whatever, back to the books. She can't afford to waste time thinking of L's possible location when she has formulas to unravel. But, after a while, all the whirling numbers and black kanjis begin to appear like scribbles that mean nothing. There's a stone pounding against the inside of Light's skull, and she grits her teeth. This isn't normal. But she hasn't been down to dinner for a few weeks, actually time has been blurring together after school ends and studying begins, so she's mostly crammed muffins and spare pieces of fruit into her mouth whenever she gets a chance to breathe. Some of her clothes are looser. There's a silver lining to be found everywhere.

She clicks onto her computer, playing Lo-fi beats, but that only makes her want to get up and stretch. She plays ASMR, ocean waves, but her mind keeps straying to unimportant fantastical stories that won't help her on any of her quizzes.

Has she truly studied so much that her brain is broken? The thought is disturbing. So disturbing that Light decides a five-minute break out on her balcony won't do her any harm. She needs to recharge, just like a battery.

She feels like something akin to a vampire when she first steps out into the shining rays of ultraviolet, almost feeling her skin sizzle under the natural vitamin D and light that's not coming from a desk lamp. The air's too sweet, too salty, and it's really windy. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. Maybe she needs a nap.

But then, wait, she sees something. Something that she shouldn't of. She takes a peak inside of pandora's box. Why is the light in L's room on? Did she forget to turn it off before she left? That could be a problem, since that house is much older than Light's and hardly remolded, and Watari's always complaining about wiring issues-

No, because there's a shadow in that room. Behind the curtain, there's a shadow. It has to be L, it's about her size. But then, if it's L...?

Light quickly runs downstairs, peaking out the front window and confirming that Watari's sleek BMW is still parked neatly up the driveway. They haven't left, unless they've ordered a taxi, but Light knows better.

L lied?

Why would L do that?

Did L so desperately not want to hang out with her that she had to fabricate a whole new plotline? Light slumps against her door, this day just keeps getting worse!

"Honey?" Sachiko calls, peaking her head out of the kitchen. "Are you going somewhere?"

"No." Light sighs.

"Oh, I thought you might be going over to L's."

"Apparently not."

"Are you done with studying your notes yet?" Sachiko asks, not hearing her or not caring to ask what she meant. All she probably heard was the sound of Light's voice beginning and ending, and then resumed her role as a 'caring mother.' She's memorized her lines, there's no room for improv. "How are those flashcards coming?"

All the flashcards are, are brightly colored sticky notes that make her wish she was blind, but Light responds dutifully. "Good, I'm almost done, just taking a break."

"That's good. Remember to drink enough water and get to bed early tonight, you have to be on time tomorrow morning." But when is Light ever late? Now Sachiko's just talking to fill up the void. "Maybe it's best you take a break from hanging out with L sweetheart, you really need to focus on your studies today."

Today? But that's what Light's been doing every day for two weeks straight! Has her mother not noticed she's been missing out on dinner as much as her father? Or are members of the family just expected to disappear on a whim now? Does no one care? Light suddenly has the urge to scream, to just throw something, like a vase, she wants to hear the deafening crash and watch as shards of glass fall to the floor. She wants to make a dent in the perfect olive-green paint, maybe a hole, maybe a visual representation could show everyone else how fucking broken everything feels, and of course her mother wouldn't care, she'd just plaster over it and go back on to humming classical tunes and cooking in white wine, but Light just wants to cause some damage that will garner some attention. She's a ticking time bomb ready to explode. This gross normalcy makes her feel crazier than when her nose is buried inside of a book, and now she knows why criminals in solitary confinement end up going batshit. She wants to scream all her mess and let her innards spills onto the floor. It's tainting her from the inside out and she wants it gone!

But she opens her mouth, and simply sucks a deep breath in. She's not going to do any of that. Ever. She knows that, but it's nice to imagine.

"I'm going back up to my room." Light says finally, trudging up the stairs, not hearing her mother's reply either because she didn't give her one or because she can't even hear the thumping of her own heart over the ridiculous white noise that's closing in all around her.

She looks at the books, and she knows what they say, but she reads them over and over again, repeats all the words in her head like a prayer to God, and she lets her burning anger fuel her on because the best victories are achieved because of spite. But that only lasts for so long, until she reaches the end of her notes and her hands are still shaking. She needs to go talk to L. She wants-

No, she needs to.

Slinking down the stairs is a challenge on the best of days, they're so loud and creaky it's ridiculous and the silence of the house only amplifies what sounds like a hoard of elephants. The dark air is welcoming, and almost chilly if it wasn't so close to June. Light stares at L's window, the light is off now, and realizes a little too late that it would just be bothersome and inconvenient to show up at her door when the moon is almost high in the sky. She retreats, she needs a plan. God, why does she care so much? She might be losing it.

So, back in her room with a glass of water because Sayu came down and asked why she was still awake and Light needed a plausible excuse, she dials L's number that she's burned into her memory. It rings frantically, the rings keep coming and coming that Light's sure she'll be sent to voicemail. It seems to go on forever, and then the light clicks.

"Hello?" L sounds distracted, not like how she does when she usually talks to Light. She must not have looked at the caller id.

"It's me."

"Light?" L does sound surprised. "What's wrong?"

"Why does something have to be wrong?"

"You're calling me late at night and-"

"Isn't it morning in England?" Light interrupts frostily. L takes a deep breath. Oh, the joy of lies spinning out of control.

"Okay, look." L prefaces, but then trails off. Light waits, tapping her foot and hears the tapping of keyboard keys on the other line. L would rather surf the web than talk to her? Fine.

"I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

"Goodnight. No-wait." Light bristles and it's like L can sense it. "I-I lied. Alright? Is that what you wanted to hear? I assume you're calling me only because you figured out, I was lying long before my slip-up."

"Why did you lie?" Light asks, sitting down on her unmade bed heavily. "You could have just told me you didn't want to hang out, I would have understood." No, she wouldn't of, but she at least wouldn't have made a fuss about it. "Why tell me you're halfway across the world when you're holed up not five hundred yards from me?"

"I'm sorry, really. I always want to hang out with you, Light, you know that." L still sounds distracted, muttering light's name like she needs to be reminded that it's her she's talking to. "I was on a call with a friend back in England, so technically-"

"So why not just say that?" Light says, completely flabbergasted and nearly fed up. What's going on? Why would L lie about something as trivial as that? Light tries to remind herself that she's not entitled to L's private business, but she's still reeling from the hurt of unnecessary deception. She just can't figure out why L would lie in the first place?

"Because...it's not...I wasn't talking to a good person." L mutters, Light interest peaks but L just barrels on. "I was roped into helping Watari with housework too, you know how it goes. And last night I um, well, I thought we were going to England today, right? But the trip got cancelled. It got cancelled and...shit, I really need to go. Can I call you back in an hour?"

Light could cry. She mumbles sure and then flips her phone shut, but opens it again just to hear the nothingness of a deadline. That was such an atrocious lie, it wouldn't fool the dullest person in the world. Light's heard more convincing lies from her nine-year-old sister. L sounded like a fool, and it was like she couldn't even be bothered to care about just how foolish she sounded.

Light should forget. L never calls back. Light takes that as a hint to never bring it up again, because obviously L doesn't want to talk about it and Light doesn't want to fight with her. Light should just forget, that's what's best. Light pretends like it never happened, but she's not so successful at forgetting. It's like a thorn in her side that's burrowed so deeply under her skin that not even the deftest pair of tweezers could pull it out. But it's only submerged through a superficial layer of skin, so it's still visible to the naked eye.

L disappears sometimes too. Light gets used to it.

---

Friends don't lie, that's what the television programs say, but maybe they do. Maybe, sometimes, they have to. And Light can forgive, but she never forgets. No, she just knows how to pick her battles. She'll fight when the time calls for it, but it's not worth the devastation a possible nuclear blast could case for now. White lies Light can handle, they don't matter, as long as she can see through them to the layer of docile harmlessness inside, she's fine. When the lies become plural, and as dark as a cloud of smog, then she'll start to worry.

---

It's the dead of night next time L calls. The peaceful flicker of firefly lights and the soft chatter of crickets are disturbed by a vibrating, pulsing sound because even though Light's left his phone on silent for the night the wood still pulsates. It is most irritating.

"Light?" L's voice is quiet, but husky and thick. Light immediately knows. "I don't know if you were sleeping so I'm sorry-"

"What happened?"

"I...I had a nightmare. Could you come over?"

And so Light does, Light always will, holding L in her arms and running her fingers through her hair, whispering reassurances that L relaxes under. She doesn't know what happened and L doesn't want to divulge details, but she's shaking as if she's freezing, and her cheeks are wet with tears.

"It was just a dream. It wasn't real."

"I know that. I know. It was just...they usually aren't so visual. And violent. And I haven't had..."

"What?"

"I haven't had one where I lost a person I loved in a long time, because I never really had anyone to love before."

Light hums.

She gets it. Sorta.

Because when shadows creep in the corners of her vision and her stomach tightens with nausea, L's the first person she thinks of too.

"You won't lose me. I swear."

"You can't swear something like that."

"I will. I promise, L, I'll never leave you."

And she means it. L grips her hand tightly, because she never wants to leave Light either.

---

"I don't even know why we're shopping." Light sighs, holding up an overpriced lip balm that she doesn't need, but it's packaged prettily in light pink and the dirty shade name makes her laugh, so she throws it into her basket anyway. She should start wearing more makeup now, right? "It's a private school, we picked up my uniform today."

"So was your middle...er, secondary school." L reminds her, picking through the concealer but ultimately abandoning it, she likes her dark circles, says they make her look wild and unique, and Light agrees. She wouldn't change anything about L. Her eyes are lovely just the way they are, Light already has a hard time navigating through those sparkling silver irises.

"Yeah...they weren't so finnicky about uniforms though." Light makes a face. "Like, they still let us wear jewelry and different colored stockings. Some girls even wore heels to school." Now it's L's turn to make a face. "Daikoku is going to be a whole new minefield to navigate, I can feel it."

"I'm sorry." L says sympathetically, pulling Light in for a half-hug. "But, hey, you survived secondary school. In most cultures middle school is considered twice as bad as high school."

"I guess." Light muses, catching sight of her reflection in a mirror and quickly averting her eyes. She can't stand to look at herself, she never has. She never likes what she sees. Even though her acne has finally begun to clear and her braces and glasses are far gone, her face still feels awkward and unpleasant. Like it's not hers. She's buying this overpriced face paint in an attempt to change what she looks like, but at this point she thinks nothing short of plastic surgery would really do the trick.

"Light's you're so pretty." L makes a point of jerking Light's face back up to the mirror, but Light's eyes go and zero in on L's reflection behind her anyway. "I'm serious! If you still can't see that, I'm sorry, but you might need to go and get glasses again."

Light snorts, wrinkling her nose. "I'm okay." she says, mostly to get L off of her back. L just shakes her head furiously, slack-jawed.

"You're gorgeous! Stunning. And, you know, I wouldn't give out compliments if I didn't mean them, otherwise that would be more insulting than just telling you your looks aren't your strong suit. Have you ever known me to mince words?"

"No, but-"

"Exactly. I only tell the truth Yagami Light. Puberty hit you like a fucking truck."

Light just shrugs, finally moving away from the mirror and onto the blushes. "Yeah, yeah, sure. You have to say that stuff because you're my best friend."

"I wouldn't patronize you." L sniffs. Light just frowns, picking up different highlighting powders and looking at them in the light, wondering if she'd be able to pull off something so sparkly. Maybe she should go with something that gives more of a mature glow?

"Alright, fine, then if I'm so pretty then why don't I have a boyfriend? Hm?"

L scowls. "Boys are stupid, hormonal pigs at this age. Besides, is there even anyone you like?"

She's got a point there. Light sighs, even if a boy were to ask her out, she'd probably refuse simply because none of them are at her intellectual level, and they all think 'Pulp Fiction.' is like manna from heaven. They're loud, foolish creatures that play cruel jokes and look up girl's skirts, frankly, she's just not interested in boys her age. Now, if Hideki Ryuga went to her school...that might be a different story.

Light just wants a boyfriend because she needs a boyfriend. She can't very well be a virgin in high school, that's just embarrassing!

"What shade would look best on me?" Light asks L, who simply shrugs.

"Both would look nice."

"Yeah, but which kind would bring out my eyes?"

"...Shades of pink cannot bring out your eyes." L says slowly. "Isn't that what eyeliner is for?" L only cares for eyeliner, and mascara, really. Light's barking up the wrong tree.

"Personally, I'd go with 'Exposed.'" A sudden voice sounds behind Light, nearly making her jump out of her skin. Turning around, she's met with the smiling face of a girl in a uniform. "Your skin is on the tanner side, so you want a blush that's going to show up, not make you look like a clown. Plus, personally, I think the rosy undertones would look fabulous on you! Look, there's even a sudden sparkle. And, I promise, it doesn't look tacky."

"Oh! Thanks, yeah, this one looks good. Thank you."

"No problem! You're really pretty by the way."

Light nearly chokes on spit, her cheeks definitely don't need any help with blush now. "Thank you. So are you." she manages with a smile, not sounding the shocked mess that she is.

"And look at that." L says smugly. "It's not just me that thinks so."

"She was just trying to sell me this." Light mutters, but is still flattered beyond belief.

"Oh whatever, no she wasn't. You were going to buy it anyway."

"Hm." Light hums, snagging a small bottle of lotion. "Okay, are you done?"

"Light. I'm not buying anything. Let's go." L whines. "You know I only came with for the cinnamon sugar pretzels anyway."

"Yeah, yeah we'll get to those. Oh!" Light pauses, a wicked idea coming to her. "You know what we should do when we get home? A makeover!"

"...You'll have to buy me another pretzel for that."

---

"Okay, now, don't put too much on." Light warns, and L just keeps sweeping the brush over her cheeks, so softly that it makes her eyes flutter shut unwittingly. "You heard what the lady said."

"I think I know more than some YouTube twat." L tells her. "Don't worry, you're going to look like a supermodel, I swear. I've calculated just how much blush needs to go with the lip gloss."

"Oh? How'd you figure that?"

"Because I have eyes dummy!"

"We're totally doing you next by the way." L groans in protest. "No! It'll just look stupid if I'm the only one dolled up."

"I'm going to feel like a pageant queen!"

"No I won't overdue it! It'll be natural!"

"'Natural.' Uh-huh. Last week you thought your winged eyeliner was 'natural.'"

"Bite me. I was just extending my natural lash line is all!"

"So, your natural lash line extends to your cheekbone?"

"No...my hand was shaky, that's all!"

"I'm not doing all of that." L sighs, dabbing her lips with her ring finger. "I'm just exasperating your natural features. You're too pretty for a mask of makeup."

Light has a witty and self-deprecating retort to go along with that, but bites her tongue, knowing that L will get annoyed and shoot it down and probably put on some 'self-affirmations' meditation shit to replace the makeup tutorials currently playing.

"...I hope you guys all enjoyed this look! Believe me, with these tips and tricks you won't have nearly enough milkshakes for all the boys that'll flock your yard!"

"Jesus." L sighs. "She can't even move her forehead. Never get botox."

"Like I'd want to end up like Ms. Hashimoto." Light jerks his head towards the neighbor on his right and L giggles.

"One time I think she meant to scowl at me, but all her lips did was twitch like they were trying to escape from her face. Oh, wait, they probably were. Have you seen her teeth?"

"Ugh." Light shudders. "One time she made my mom banana bread and I swear I saw raisins in there. They kinda looked like her eyes. That might have been revenge for shooting her cat with the hose, but that was all Sayu's fault anyway!"

"That's just despicable." L laughs. "Okay, I'm almost done. Now I need to spray that hairspray on your face..."

"Setting spray!" Light snaps quickly, eyes shooting open only to find L holding the right product with an impish smile.

"I know. Geez, I'm not a half-wit."

Light just hmphs, sitting back into her chair and letting cool mist rain down upon her. She hopes she looks good. She hopes L knows what she's doing. "Have you ever dated anyone?"

"...Once." L answers after a long moment. "But it was a long time ago, back in England, and we were practically infants. And it was nothing."

"But you've had a boyfriend?" Light gapes, still shocked. Not so much that L's had a boyfriend, because of course L could get anyone she wants. Seriously, she has the whole package and all, intelligence and stunning looks that would make Aphrodite tear her skin off in a jealous rage. But she's never thought L liked anyone in that way. L doesn't seem to like anyone, except for her. And she's made it seem like she has utterly no time for boys. Hm. Maybe relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be. Of course, L is homeschooled, so where would she meet another possible partner? The only candidate would be the potted plant Watari keeps in her room.

"He was mainly a friend that was a boy." Cool air blows over Light's face, and she really hopes L's using the fan, and not blowing germs over her helpless skin.

"Did you guys kiss?"

"Ew. Once." L answers honestly.

"How was it?"

"Full of slobber and groping hands. At one point his tongue went down my throat and I thought I had swallowed a live worm." Light snorts at that, the ugly kind of laughter that only L gets to hear. "That was basically the death knell for our budding romance. What a shame." L doesn't sound entirely regretful about the whole affair. "No, the only good kiss I've ever had was the one I had with you."

For some reason that makes Light want to squirm. She clears her throat. "Okay, am I done?"

"What? Like you're a cake? Yeah, you're done, with icing on top and everything."

"Show me."

Light feels herself being spun around, and with a deep breath in and comforting thoughts about how at least her lips will look bigger with all of the gloss L's piled on, she opens her eyes.

And her mouth nearly falls open.

"Do you like it?" L asks, her reflection looking nervous.

Light just can't tear her eyes away from herself. "I look...good." she murmurs, her fingers ghosting her flawless skin and contoured cheekbones, her lined eyes batting in a way that's almost coquettish. "Pretty." she murmurs, staring at the face of someone who's not her. She looks ripped straight form a painting.

"You're always pretty." L plants a soft kiss on top of her head. "But now you're just to die for!"

"Shut up." Light laughs, not missing how she looks almost entirely radiant. She's definitely showing up to school with this look tomorrow. How has she gone fifteen whole years of her life without makeup? "Okay, your turn."

She herds L into the chair much like a sheepdog would bring a stubborn sheep back to the pen. L's heels dig into the ground before she finally slinks over, her shoulders hunched and utterly resigned. She knows by now that whatever Light wants, she gets.

She smooths hair over L's shoulder, knowing that when L leaves this chair, she will leave it with a French braid. It's not even an option. Light's been dying to pin her hair up in a pretty style anyhow. "Your skin is really nice." she tells her. "Flawless, really." Like smooth porcelain carved with an angel's knife, there's not a blemish or imperfection to be seen. Of course, L does practice a ten step skin care routine that's imported from France. "Maybe just a bit of eyeshadow and mascara?"

"No eyeliner?" L sounds almost murderous.

"Fine! Maybe a little. Oh, I know, I'll do it in that puppy dog style I just learned about."

"Lord give me strength." L mutters. "If you doodle on me like Sayu doodles in her coloring books, I'll fine you 1 billion yen."

"Hey, have some strength in my abilities! I used to be an artist dammit." Light shakes her head, picking up an eyeshadow brush and a bit of grey eyeshadow that will really make the ashy flecks in L's silver sparkling eyes pop out and dance.

"So you aren't taking art classes this year?"

Light pauses, the brush ghosting over L's eyelid. "...No." she presses in, a little too hard, and recoils when L winces. "Sorry. Did I hurt you?"

"It just feels weird. It's fine. Keep going." Light nods, setting to work and imagining she's painting a canvas. In a way, she is. A real life canvas. "Your father...?"

"He didn't say I couldn't, but he doesn't want me to. I know he didn't." Soichiro would never be the type of controlling parent that was outrageous and forbade Light from an extra-curriculars, but he said just enough chilling things to make Light aware of his impending displeasure. "You know, I have to start preparing for college and my career and all of that."

"As a detective?"

"As a detective." Light confirms. Yes, that's always been the plan, ever since Light was thought to be a son, and even when she came out a daughter that didn't stop her father's dreams. If anything, they only became more ambitious. Her father used to take her to work when she was younger, he would show her his office and the picture he had of her one her desk. He let her talk to the other officers, and she even rode in a police car a few times. He's been gently leading her to this path for awhile, and she doesn't mind. Not really. It's a respectable job with good pay, and not a lot of women are in the field, so it would only make Light's position that more admirable. And she's always had a love for justice being upheld, for seeing the wicked get what they deserve, and she's excited to work with her father to clean up the streets. Really. Being an artist was just a hobby, a pipedream, something to make the rainy days mean something. Sometimes, she drew the rain prettily.

"And you want to be a detective?"

"Of course. I wouldn't go into a job I hated. Have you decided what your studies are going to start leaning towards?" Light deftly changes the subject, uncapping an eyeliner pencil and trying not to stare.

"I don't know yet. Leaning towards something in the criminology field, but psychology is still a viable option." Light nods, knowing how L feels about justice too. They've discussed it in length numerous times, and Light somehow dreams that maybe they'll end up coworkers.

She knows that many people don't stay friends with people from their childhood, but L is special enough to be an exception.

"If you become a psychologist, maybe you'll end up like Hannibal Lecter."

"Oh please." L sighs, smiling. "You'd like that. You can be the criminal profiler that studies me then."

"I'd study your ass off." Light promises, pulling out a moisturizer. "It rubs the lotion on its skin."

"Or else it gets the hose again." L flinches from the coldness of the lotion but settles into it eventually. "There are actual sickos like that out there, you know. Imagine."

"Oh, believe me, my dad tells me stories. They could be living right next door, you never know."

"I have always thought the meat Watari keeps in the freezers is suspiciously human shaped..."

Light almost chokes on her spit. "No! I was alluding more so towards Ms. Hashimoto."

"Oh. Yes, her cooking is ghastly."

Light hums, leaning in closer, so close she can smell L's vanilla perfume. No, wait, French vanilla. L's corrected her on it several times. It's more expensive than regular perfumes, more potent, and it costs much, much more.

Light takes a step back to look at her handiwork, smiling while her eyes naturally find their way to L's lips. The new lip balm she bought looks gorgeous, L's cupid bow sparkles and her lips are plush and moisturized and...

Damn, Light would say she's an excellent artist if L wasn't already such a pretty picture in the first place.

"So?" Light clears her throat. "What do you think?"

L cranes her neck, cocking her head, and smiles with her teeth.

"Nice, Light-kun. Very nice."

---

Daikoku Private Academy is entirely different from her secondary school. It makes that building look like a shoebox, almost, it's so large with its vaulted ceilings and wide halls that could fit zoo animals. And the classrooms! There's so many, it's a vast, intricate labyrinth and Light will admit that she's intimidated. The chatter is a bit overbearing, and there's so many more students. So many opportunities for monsters to lurk these halls, unseen and unnoticed, but felt all the same. Light adjusts her blazer.

She finds her first class easy enough, earlier than everyone and picks out her designated seat. Seats aren't assigned for homeroom, she checks, of course, and she makes sure to sit in the second row. There's a method to this. She can't sit in the front, because that looks overeager and could make her a target for bullies. But she can't sit in the last few rows and let herself fade away into the background. This is comfortable, safe, strategized.

The teachers are nice enough, her algebra teacher is a bit stern and the English teacher hardly smiles, but Light's lucky in that subject because since English is L's native language she's almost fluent. Everything's fine, everything goes according to plan, except when lunch time rolls around.

Light dreads lunch. In elementary, if she grabbed a fruit cup and a pudding cup, she'd be called fat and the girls would oink around her. In middle school, she sat alone in the corner and went to the bathroom straight after. She began to eat her lunch in the bathroom near the end of the year, it was just easier that way.

Her eyes frantically dart from table to table, noticing that they're filling up quickly. Damn. Of course she can't go and sit at one randomly, she'll be noticed and scorned, but there is a courtyard. Light shifts on her feet. It's a nice day, the sun is out and shining and there's not a cloud in the sky. So, with her bento box Sachiko made especially for her and her brand new novel, she takes a seat at the picnic table close to the tree. It's shaded, almost invisible, so hopefully no one will notice her, the pathetic outcast sitting alone.

Though, it's always been this way, so they might not even bat an eye. Everyone knows who Light is. Well, everyone who came from her secondary school, and the other kids will learn of her lack of grace soon enough, if they haven't already noticed her awkward appearance alone. But it's fine. She likes being alone, with her thoughts. She's learned it, she's welcomed it, because she has to. There's no other option.

Turning to chapter one, the sun suddenly goes behind a lone cloud that seems to have snuck up on her. Of course.

"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

Light looks up, luckily remembering to swallow before she opens her mouth. "No, just me."

She's surprised, but doesn't show it. In front of her is...well, a girl she's never seen before. And there are plenty of open tables outside, what's she doing asking to sit at Light's?

Is she...afraid to eat alone too?

"Do you...mind?" The girl asks, sounding nervous. Light cocks her head.

"Of course not, be my guest."

"Thanks." she chirps, sitting down with an air of gratefulness about her, her blonde pigtails bobbing as her cherry red lips purse. "I'm Amane Misa, I'm new."

Ah, that explains it then.

"Yagami Light." Light dips her head, Misa follows suit, and she pulls out her own bento box as her gloves hands delicately pick up chopsticks.

"I just moved here." Misa explains, through a mouthful of rice. "I just moved here from Tokyo. I lived, like, in the heart of the city. I was so nervous coming here, but this isn't like my secondary school at all. It's so...quiet. And it's prettier, definitely prettier. The teachers are a bit more stuck up here, but my old teachers yelled a lot, so I guess it evens out."

Good Lord, does Misa talk a lot. Light just nods along, listening to every other word. "Do you like the Kanto region so far?"

"Oh yes!" Misa nods theatrically. "My new room is so much bigger than my old room, it's amazing. I live pretty close to the school too, so I don't even have to drive. Well, I will in the winter of course, but for now the walk is just lovely. And there's even a koi pond in my backyard. A pond! With real, live fish! It's amazing. So much better than the city."

"I would imagine. Don't get me wrong, the city has a certain charm, but it's always so busy and makes you feel like-"

"-you're always running out of time!" Misa and her finish together, and Misa giggles. "Yeah, I totally get what you mean. How long have you lived here?"

"My whole life." Light answers honestly. "It's nice, I've never known anywhere else, but it's nice."

"Oh I get that. You love what you're accustomed to, you know? So, do you know any good parties around here?"

Uh oh. Now here comes the part where Misa learns what a giant loser she is. Light sucks in a deep breath, preparing to lie when-

"Is that Yagami Light?" A voice squawks, sounding familiar but at the same time forgettable, and Light looks over Misa's shoulder to watch a boy walking towards her with a grin. She frantically tries to recall his name, going through files and files of pointless data until she tentatively remembers Mikami Teru.

"Hello." Light bows her head, anticipating a crude insult or an obscene hand gesture. Maybe they'll switch it up this time and simply pour the books out of her backpack before running away. One can only hope.

"I thought it was you! Do you remember me? Mikami Teru? Boy, you've changed!"

In what way? It's been three months since they've been in school together.

"And who's this cutie? I've never seen you before, I would have remembered hair that bright." Mikami leers, leaning on his arm towards Misa. Light suddenly gets it, stabbing her chopsticks into her tamagoyaki a little more violently than necessary. Mikami came to hit on the new girl. God, could he be any more obvious? L is right, boys at this age really do have a one-track mind.

"Amane Misa, I'm new." she tells him, looking through her eyelashes and shyly dipping her head. Light has to physically close his eyes to stop them from rolling. "Well, if I knew the boys around here were so cute, I would have moved here ages ago!"

"Cute, eh?" Mikami chuckles like a hyena, but then suddenly his attention is back on Light. Probably to tell her to piss off so he can get laid. "Yeah, me and my friends were talking about who transferred here from Yokosuka. You remember Takada? Blue eyes, short black hair? She's here. And Mei I think...Yamamoto noticed you walking outside."

Light hardly remembers any of those names but one but nods anyway. "I guess there's a lot of us here, huh?"

"Only the best." Mikami smiles. "You have to be, to get into Daikoku. Most of those jokers from our class are either poor or stupid or both, and they all went to Inagakuen. Ha! Can you imagine? Inagakuen? A public school?" Mikami strings the word out lazily and spits it into the grass as if it's poison. His mother was involved in a bus jacking, ended up suing the robber's family and won because the perpetrator 'shot her shoulder' (grazed it, really), so now Mikami rolls around in wealth like a pig its own shit. This information trickles back into Light's mind slowly and she takes it all in.

"Public school? Ew!" Misa squeals, shuddering. "Imagine! Oh! Nope, I can't even do that. I would actually kill myself if I had to degrade myself in such a manner."

"Suckers." Mikami agrees, snickering. They look across at Light, almost simultaneously, it's creepy, and there's a hint of challenge in Mikami's eyes and expectation in Misa's. They want to see what Light will say. It's a test, they want to gain as much insight into her mind as possible, and they think that will best be achieved by idle gossip.

So, what does Light do?

Well, she could be better than peer pressure. She could say the kind, gentle answer that would make her feel righteous. She could do that.

"They'll never get into a good university." Light shakes her head. "Going to public school is such a disgrace, especially in this day in age."

Light already knows the game, and she's not a fool. Not in any sense of the word. Now, her family's not poor, they're middle-class about, maybe higher in the ranks, but Light's parents aren't paying a yen for her education. She got in based on scholarships alone.

Her new lunchmates don't need to know that though. All they have to know is that Light can dish out cruel words too, just like them.

"I'll say!" Mikami snorts. "All I have to say is good luck graduating and getting stuck working in factories or fast food."

"Oh you're awful." Misa giggles.

"Plus," Mikami nods along. "if I was to be doomed to a life of public school, I'd miss all the hot chicks here." he spreads his arms out, looking at Light pointedly.

Hold on, what?

What's Mikami implying?

"You're such a player, I can tell." Misa slaps his arm, clearly a professional flirt. "Are all of your friends this crazy?"

"Should I call them out here for you to see?" Mikami's already racing back inside, and suddenly, Light's table is full, for perhaps the first time in forever.

---

Now, when Misa asked if she knew of any good parties, Light didn't. Well, she knew of them, of course she did, but she'd never been to one in her life.

Now, however, she finds herself standing by Misa as she grabs them two solo cups of punch that smell like battery acid.

How did this happen?

Well, it seems Light's table has become the school's newest hotspot. Misa sat with her every day, and Mikami and his friends followed like dogs on leashes. They laughed and Misa regaled them with mad tales of how parties in the school go on. This led to one of Mikami's friends deciding to hold a party while his parents were out of town, to see if quote 'his place is a chill place.' Everyone was invited, including Light. And what was she going to do? Turn the first big social gathering she's been to in years down?

Fat chance. Nope. There wasn't a snowball's chance in hell she was missing this, no matter how obnoxious and ridiculous she might think parties are. They're fun when you're under the age of ten, and that's about it. This is a glorified orgy with underage drinking and said underage drinkers stumbling around lazily and dancing like monkeys in a mating ritual. But that doesn't mean she didn't go shopping with Misa the day before to pick out a 'party' dress. Which, it turns out, is basically a piece of lingerie that's not as sheer but just as tight. Light settled for a dark red skater dress. It's Conservative, but not a potato sack.

"That guy's totally into you." Misa knocks his arm, downing her punch like a shot without even so much as a grimace. In fact, her face is a stone mask. The bat wings protruding from her eyes flutter. "What do you think?"

"Him?" Light snorts, taking sips of hers. She hates the bitter taste, how it makes your mouth feel dry as sandpaper and leaves you tasting bile for days after. It burns her tastebuds. And her eyes are already watering. "No. Uh-uh. Not my type."

"Too ugly?" Misa giggles, Light hides her smile behind her cup. Well, she's barely looked at him but she doesn't have to. She just knows.

"Shut up. I didn't say that."

"You were thinking it." she singsongs, suddenly throwing her now empty cup to the floor. "Ick!" Misa takes a step forward, spreading her arms out and Light just watches. "Where's any of the good music? Hello? Akiko Akira? Iso Minso? Nothing? Not even 'Purr?" God, this is lame. I think that guy's humping a tree."

Light doesn't even want to look. "Totally."

"I can't even find anyone to bum a cigarette off of." Misa turns to him, arms folded, with wicked intent shining in her caramel eyes. "You know what would be awesome?"

"What?" Anything but this?

"One of my friends is having a party in the city. It's really intimate, so only like, cool people are there. And I just got sent the address. We should totally go!" she swings her arm, a ball of barely restrained energy. "Don't worry, you'll totally get in if you're with me. You're a show in anyway, with those curves, hello!"

Light bites her lip. "Where? In Tokyo?"

"It's like basically ten minutes from here. Maybe fifteen. Twenty at most."

Light frowns, she's not even supposed to be in this suburban neighborhood five minutes from her own. His mother already thinks she's at L's, which L was happy to supply an alibi for, no questions asked but with an eyebrow raised, she's probably figured out Light's doing something nefarious and trusts her but...

A party in the city?

That sounds dangerous. Especially on a Saturday, at this time of night. There'll probably be gallons more alcohol there, maybe even drugs. And people from the city...

Not that Light wants to judge! But people from the city aren't exactly savory, especially when the moon and the stars come out and the streets grow barren. 'Cool people' can't mean anything good, Misa said it with a warm tang of rebellion and spice.

But, also, can she refuse her? A tentative new friend, one she has at school no less? What if Misa wakes up, and sees the reality behind the dream she's imagined Light to be? If she sits somewhere else, so will the boys, and Light will be alone again. And after having all of this attention...to go back to anything else would be utterly humiliating. Light has to stay at this school for three more years, elementary and secondary were hellish enough.

And Light's already deciding she's playing the game. She put her pawn down and everything, and it's just waiting to be used. Sometimes, in life, you're given a fork in the road. One road is easy, without curves and cracks, with butterflies and blue skies, leading right to the destination, no matter how mediocre it can be. The other road...

The other road is dark, with brambles clawing at the path, and sometimes there are wolves and bears just hiding in the shadows waiting to strike. Sometimes it storms. But those who weather hardships are usually rewarded with something shiny and sparkling. That's what Light's father always said, you should never take the easy way out.

Not that this was the exact situation he was talking about...

But Light wants to be included, right? Misa's giving her an opportunity of friendship, and that's rare in high school. She can't fuck it up. And she knows how to be safe. She knows how to be smart. She's not a half-wit, she's fifteen and brighter than most university students, she can handle one little party! She knows the ways of life all too well.

She can handle this. She can. If she backs out now, she's nothing more than a coward.

And Yagami Light may be many things, but she's never been a coward.

So, she sets her cup down heavily on the cardboard table, linking arms with Misa. "Yeah, let's ditch this place."

Misa smiles up at her. A real, genuine smile. Her pearly white's glint off of the small, cheap disco ball hanging pathetically off of a lamp.

---

The path is darker, darker than she could have imagined. There're flashing lights that seem to fade into the background before racing back with a vengeance to blind her. She has to shut her eyes.

The trees are swaying, the ground seem to be swaying, actually, the branches reach forward and tug her back, to safety? But then they pull her forward and she's falling.

And all Light knows is she has to get to the end. She just has to walk a few more steps towards the clearing, and then she'll be safe. She just has to make it. She doesn't know why, but it's instinctual. She doesn't have to be told she's in danger, hairs prickle on the back of her neck and she knows. She feels eyes all over her, everywhere, stripping her bare and ripping her apart.

She opens up her mouth to scream but distorted chuckles spill out instead. Why? It's not funny. She claws at her eyes but feels nothing. She keeps laughing. Nothing's funny at all but she just can't scream. She topples over, still laughing, and the tree branches pick her up and guide her over to the clearing gently.

When she falls again, no one picks her up. Stars spin above her in the sky and she calls out to them, but all at once they disappear, as if banished. No one's here now. No one but the darkness. The last thing she remembers is laughing so hard that she begins to sob.

---

Light usually doesn't remember nightmares. And this time is no different. But, when her aching eyes pop open the next morning, ad she licks her teeth that seem to be crusted with fuzz, her stomach sloshes and her heart sinks deep beneath the waves. She knows she had a nightmare. She can still feel the residual rot clinging to her skin. She's so cold. Everything hurts, most of all her head.

"Hey, you're awake." Light blinks, her eyes focus in on Misa suddenly, sitting on her pink beanbag chair with a glass of water in her hands, which she offers to her as she sits up. Her voice is so unnatural, for her, it's so soft and pleasant. Where's this Misa been hiding all along? "How're you feeling?"

"Tired." Light rasps out, vocal cords damaged by a night she can't even remember. "Where are we?"

"My room." See, Light knows that. She's never been in Misa's room before but the pink walls and velvet bedspread covered in gothic skulls could not possibly belong to anyone else. She just can't remember how they ended up here.

Fear stabs her cruelly in the chest. She can't remember. Why can't she remember?

Misa's looking at her, her face scrunched up in concern, her hands wringing nervously. She's not wearing a speck of makeup on her face, which scares Light more than it should. She's never seen Misa without makeup before. She knows something's going on but she can't for the life of her figure out what. Misa looks like she's aged twenty years overnight from the stress lines collecting on her forehead and under her eyes.

But Light somehow knows she can't let Misa know she can't remember anything.

Because that's a weakness, isn't it.

So she sips the cool water, letting it roll down her raw throat and grimy teeth, eyes skittering across the room until they reach the windowsill speckled with flecks of light and a single succulent.

"I know I was supposed to bring you to your neighbor's," Misa suddenly laughs, and Light cringes, wondering if L's called her or her parents. But it's a hidden panic, not ready to pop out and claim her completely, because right now she has bigger things to worry about. And nothing feels real anyway. "but um...I didn't think that was the best idea. Your friend texted and I told her that you were staying at mine. I pretended to be you, don't worry I think she bought it."

Well, if Misa used any of those cutesy emoji's L will definitely know something's up.

"Thanks." Why wasn't it a good idea to bring her back to L's?

"You were totally wasted." Misa suddenly blurts out, as if the words are just dying to be out in the open at long last. "I mean, ha, I didn't know you could party so hard Light! You're gonna give me a run for my money."

Huh. Light doesn't remember drinking too much. She can't imagine she could have let herself get wasted. She remembers two shots, at most, and some fruity drink but...she may be a lightweight, but surely that couldn't have been enough to steal away a whole night's worth of memories?

A sickly feeling begins to grow.

"I mean, I had to carry you out and everything. At least you're skinny...um, do you remember anything?"

"Some things." Light replies cautiously, setting the now empty glass on the nightstand. "What time is it?"

"Uh...eleven? Eleven-thirty?"

"Shit!" Light suddenly gasps, scrambling out of the bed. She stands, but the room spins. "I told my mom I'd be home for lunch. I've gotta go...how far away are we from where you picked me up last night?"

"Wait!" Misa comes to steady her, cool hands clasping around her shoulders. She's still wearing the dress from last night. One of the straps are ripped. She thinks she tastes bile. "Light...did anything happen?"

"What do you mean?" Light blinks furiously, trying to get the ceiling back up from where it's fallen onto the floor. Her head is definitely throbbing now.

"I mean...I, uh, found you passed out on a couch that was in the basement. And...I don't think you could have walked down there by yourself. You were unconscious when I found you."

Misa's speaking in an almost whisper and Light just can't breathe. She's as still as a board, the only thing moving is her wildly palpitating heart. She remembers blurred images, she recalls the feeling of taking flight and falling too quickly. She remembers screams...and hands...and pain-

No. No, she doesn't remember anything.

"I just took a nap. That's all. I think I overdid it." Light laughs, softly, her eyes trained dead ahead on a black and white framed picture of Marilyn Monroe. She can't look into Misa's pleading eyes or else she'll be sick. "It's nothing like you're thinking, don't worry. I remember enough. Now, where are we? Because-"

"I'll drive you." Misa interrupts firmly, her fingers uncurling and curling on Light's shoulder blades. "But if something happened...you can tell me. Okay? Because if someone-"

"Of course I'd tell you. But there's nothing to tell Misa." Light says, a little too harshly, and Misa's hands drop immediately. "I'm fine. I wouldn't let...thank you for taking me home."

"Yeah, no problem." Misa sounds defeated. "I'm always happy to help a friend."

Light bites her lip. Her hands are shaking so she hides them, folding them behind her back in curled fists. "Would you happen to have a sweatshirt?"

Light tells her mother that she's sick. It's not a lie. She tells her she woke up with a sore throat and nasty headache and that she just needs to take a nap in a dark room, and then everything will be fine. She doesn't need lunch, she's not hungry and this headache is making her nauseous. The light hurts her eyes, in her bedroom she can draw the curtains.

If Sachiko finds her behavior suspicious, she doesn't say anything. Maybe she knows. She probably knows that Light's headache is borne from a hangover, but perhaps she decides that if Light can handle it on her own than she doesn't need to intervene. Maybe Sachiko thinks that as long as things stay perfect, then no harm was truly done.

L tries to call her, but Light texts saying that at family meals she's not allowed to have her phone on. She turns it off completely, stuffing it under her pillow and then takes the corner of the pillow into her mouth so she can scream.

---

Boys finally like her. They like her a little too much.

---

Now every day when she wakes up, she just feels so cold. So hollow. So...overwhelmingly empty. Her mind races with thoughts and sometimes she has to bang on her head for the silence to return.

The silence is droning, long, unnerving, but at least it's something she knows can't hurt her, so she welcomes it with open arms. She can't handle the screaming inside of her own head. Sometimes she's scared it's not simply imagined. She's terrified that one day she'll just start screaming and screaming. She's petrified that she wouldn't be able to stop. It makes speaking so incredibly difficult.

She can't stop remembering, that's the thing. Only she doesn't remember enough and she somehow remembers too much simultaneously. She's stubborn and wants to know what happens, but when she digs too deeply, she feels sick. Sometimes curling up into a ball makes it better. Sometimes it feels like she's dying. If she could, she'd pull the sheets over her head for forever and simply die, just lay under the covers until her heart stopped beating. That way, she'd never remember anything bad again.

But she can't avoid the sun forever. She has to go to school on Monday, tomorrow, her mother won't accept a sick note even though her teachers might. L came over and her mother made the excuse, but soon she'll have to face her again too. But she can't. The very thought makes her heart race until she's sobbing. L will know immediately. L will see through her straight down to what she really is, and Light can't let that happen.

This is her secret. This is all for her. Piano keys play this lonely melody with one set of fingers, one set of keys, for one heart to hear. This song is too pitiful for anyone else's ears. They don't need to know, anyway, they wouldn't get it.

They don't need to get it, that's the thing. It's no one's business but her own. They wouldn't see it that way, but that's because everyone's too nosey for their own good.

Why, if her mother knew the true cause of her illness...she'd cry. She'd never be the same. She'd never look at Light the same. She'd be inconsolable, looking for a cure only to realize that this ailment will never go away. Light has to hide it, because fortunately it's invisible to the naked eye.

But her mother...

Light will find a way to deal with this. She's not sure Sachiko could.

How could she? The little girl she tried so hard to raise into a confident and capable young woman would be no more, she'd disappear into a wisp of smoke and all Sachiko would be left with is pieces. Shattered pieces from a picture frame, and you can't glue glass back together, no sir, the cracks would be gaping and nasty and they'd all have to deal with the bad luck curse. Light would be a shadow of what her mother created. Light's mother named her Light because she was afraid of the shadows.

Light doesn't want to disappoint Sachiko. She can't let her mother know the woman inside of herself was destroyed before it even got a chance to blossom.

She needs to lie. The only problem is that she knows lying is wrong. Lying hurts others, and it's mostly unnecessary. Those who lie end up sitting in fire, or whatever that dumb nursery rhyme sang. Light's been taught right from wrong. Right is light and wrong is dark, two sides of the same coin, but one side you must never flip to.

Well, telling right from wrong used to be so simple. Now, it's transformed into grey matter. Is this what growing up is like? It's so painful. But unavoidable.

If Light tells the truth...no, that's not even a possibility. She's always been told that she should always tell the truth but what if it's something no one wants to hear? And she's not lying, not really, she's just omitting a part of the story. It's completely irrelevant, anyway, there's no one that needs to know. Telling the truth would complicate things that are cautiously simple. If she lies, all she's really hurting is herself. And she's already been hurt so badly. Nothing else seems to burn as harshly anymore, it's just the way things are.

Light does feel shameful though, being such a strong supporter of justice. Justice won't be upheld and that's a crying shame. She loves justice.

But she hates the justice system. Even if she is going to work for it one day. Maybe that's why she hates it more, because she knows it's rotten insides.

Light's not a moron. Not a psychic either, but she doesn't need a crystal ball to tell her what would happen if she was to report this crime. It's a tale as old as time, told over countless centuries, and it never has a happy ending. Not once. Not for the victims.

And that word sounds so ugly. Victim. Light hates it. She doesn't want to be a victim. She doesn't think of herself as a victim.

But everyone else would, that is, if they even believed her. She doesn't know what would be worse. If they dismissed her, called her a liar, then that's all she would ever be. If they tried to believe her, their eyes would water, and they'd look at her as if she was as small as a mouse. They'd speak to her in gentle tones reserved for a wounded and unpredictable animal. They'd invade her personal space, her memories would be public knowledge, hands would prod everywhere trying to find bruises and cuts, when they're all on the inside. They'd make new bruises; one's everyone would see. She couldn't handle all those eyes on her, it was bad enough the first time.

Including her father. He's the chief of the NPA, who else would read the report. He'd know, and be ashamed of her foolishness. Her weakness. He taught her safety and it wasn't practiced.

No longer would she be Yagami light, promising young woman. She'd be a victim, and that's a label one can never shake.

And, anyway, since when was the last time the news reported a victim getting justice? When was the last time an abuser was punished? The laws are created to protect those types of monsters, they're upheld by many monsters, the laws aren't in place to protect, but to give an illusion of protection. The laws work in the daylight, but it's okay in the night, because that's the time where sins are hidden away.

And she doesn't hardly remember his face. She doesn't even know his name.

She doesn't want to.

What she wants is to be normal again.

But she can't, can she?

No, now she can only hope to fake it. She can only force it to form into a mask of protection, a façade of perfection, one no one could ever hope to see through.

She can do that. She's going to try.

This is a lost weekend. On Monday, everything will be fine.

She'll cry until there aren't any tears left. She'll use concealer to hide the tracks, the evidence. The evidence needs to be destroyed in flames.

Those who saw her on Friday will see the same face on Monday. Only she'll feel the shift. But Light always does what she's told, she never causes a rift. Light is a child of expectation, it's expected for this to be kept hush-hush.

She stares at the wall, until her surroundings turn into dull grey blurs. She pictures darkness, she forces nothingness, she buries those memories in a shallow grave in the woods. She'll force herself to forget. She'll make herself accept what's been done.

She wonders what L would have done. Well, L wouldn't have been so stupid in the first place. L might report it, because she's a strong believer in justice. She'd make Light report it. Because that's what's right.

But Light doesn't so much believe in anything anymore. She can't. It hurts too much.

It's better if she only feels nothing at all.

---

It turns out, Light's a better liar than she thought. No one notices, no one asks, even Misa seems willing to forget and chatter along with something excitedly boring. She's treated the same, nothing's amiss. School is school. Light is fine. She hasn't broken down all week. Her skin is raw from scrubbing it away in the shower, but she uses lotion. She wants to crawl out of this tainted skin, but since she can't, she dresses it up instead.

She doesn't see L all week.

L calls, Light says she's busy. She sort of is. She studies, trying to remember numbers instead of bedsheets stained with blood. She writes essays until her hand is numb, and then she asks for extra credit. She sleeps until nightmares wake her up and then she goes to the library and reads books until her eyes won't stay open. She burns the stories into the back of her eyelids, other's are so much better than her own.

She tries to draw pictures, but she draws screaming people with swords in their back. She draws red slashes against white pages, gaping black holes that wish to consume, one violently scribbled word of 'why?' Art isn't so much fun anymore. Not when there's only ugly pictures to paint. And the world really is an ugly thing, there's no joy to be found in nature anymore, because she knows someday careless feet will stomp over daises and rough hands will cut down trees. Light sees muted colors of black and grey, the sun doesn't come out for weeks.

Even when it does, she can no longer feel it's warmth.

She feels cold. She still feels cold. She suspects that now she always will. It's surprising how easy emotions are to banish, almost scary, but she just concentrates on anything but her own sorrows. And then, somehow, they just aren't that important.

Light counts down the days until her sixteenth birthday. She wants to be older, that's all she wants. She's learned little girls always get taken advantage of. Innocence is the most dangerous thing in the world to have, because everyone wants to take it away and beat it into something ugly. It's like in the wild, because even though humanity might believe it's civilized, at the end of the day there isn't much of a difference between wild dogs and vindictive humans. Not a damn thing. Predators always go in for the smaller animals. The wounded, the sick, the meek, the children. They smell fear and that somehow makes the kill even more delicious. And people are wicked in the same ways.

Actually, wild dogs might be kinder. They kill to eat, not for sadistic pleasure.

How could you achieve an orgasm over a corpse?

---

She has to put on more makeup, darker makeup, to hide the fact that she's pale and sickly. She's dead inside. Her eyes are fogged up windows looking out to a darkened field, sometimes they don't move for hours. Her face hardens with age. She walks taller. She's not as kind. Her words grow sharper, more precise. She learns that one can only survive in this world with their claws out. She files them. She cuts her hair, but leaves her bangs long so they can fall and hide her eyes. She doesn't want anyone to look inside.

One day, her mother tells her she's really growing into a woman.

Light throws out all of her toys, all of her dolls, and all of her art supplies.

---

When L finally bursts into her room, thoroughly fed up with the cheap excuses and hours of radio silence, Light almost doesn't notice her. She's bent over a textbook, fiercely trying to make sense of History.

"I'll be down for dinner in a minute."

"It's L."

"Oh." Light's head shoots up, her teeth clenched. Now it's time to make sure her practiced performance is perfect. "Hey, what's up?"

L looks at her, almost as if she can't believe she's real, and then shrugs. Very dramatically. Wonderful. "What is up Light?"

"...Is that a trick question?"

"I'll be blunt, why have you been ignoring me these past few weeks?"

Light sucks in a deep breath, looking curious, but feeling guarded. "I haven't. Not purposefully. I've just been busy."

"With studying."

"With studying."

"What did you ask to stay over at my house for?"

Light feels her blood run cold. "Oh, that." she can't play dumb, L will see right through her. "There was a party I wanted to go to, and I knew my mom would never let me go."

"A party." L repeats. "So, you weren't hanging out with a boy?"

"No." Light laughs. God, her muscles feel so tight. It's like a bright spotlight has just been shone on her, and her clothes are see through. "You know boys don't like me."

"So you haven't been hanging out with a boy lately?"

"No. God! Who are you, my father? I don't have time for that shit."

"You're acting weird." L finally says, Light frowns.

"You're the one acting weird. What's with the third degree?"

"You're acting different." L says then. Light almost laughs. How could L have noticed? She hasn't been here. "Don't give me that look."

"What look? This is my face, L."

"You look like you're mad at me."

"Okay, well, I'm not. Why would I be mad at you?"

"I don't know Light!" L finally throws her hands up. Light hopes her parents can't hear this. "You've been distant, dodging my calls, you never come over anymore and you don't talk to me like you used to. Did you meet new friends at school? Are you that shallow? I'm out and your new study buddies are in?"

"Hey, you're the one that came over here, ready to fight." Light snaps. "I don't know what this is, but I don't need to defend myself to you."

"I'm not asking you to defend yourself. I'm asking for an explanation-"

"Well here it is, I've been busy." Light emphasizes vowels, stringing her words out slowly. "I don't know how homeschooling works, but this is high school. A private one. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, I have responsibilities now. I have, like, folders of homework every night! I'm in all honors classes! Both my parents are up my ass, like, all day every day and I need to stay at the top of my grade! I'm sorry that I can't go lazing around that old creek with you L, but I'm not a kid anymore. You need to grow up."

Oops. Light regrets the words as soon as she says them. L's eyes widen like she's just been slapped, but then they narrow dangerously.

"You're acting like such a bitch. What is up with you? A month ago you wouldn't have talked to me like this."

"Sorry. I'm sorry." Light hastily backtracks, holding up her palms. "I didn't mean that. I've just been stressed, and I know that doesn't give me a right to take it out on you, but I've just been stressed. I'm sorry."

"Then why not talk to me about it?" L's still mad, Light can tell, but now the muscles in her shoulders are loosening. "If school's getting to be too much, talk to me, I can help you whenever."

Light tries desperately hard not to be offended by that. It's not school. What, does L think she's stupid? She suddenly feels tired. So very, very tired. Since when has she made L the enemy? She's not, L's not. She loves her. She's her best friend! She just...feels sick every time she looks at her...

She just doesn't want L to know what's happened. And she feels so transparent whenever she's around her. Because L's always just known her, for better and for worse. She doesn't need to tell L anything, she just knows. It's like she's a part of her soul, inside of her mind, coursing through her veins. L's just so good, and Light can't stand the fact that she might not be anymore.

"Are you actually okay?" L asks suddenly, Light realizes she's been quiet for too long.

"I'm fine." she says quickly, rubbing her eyes. "I'm just tired."

"Are you sure?"

Oh God. "Positive. I just...wasn't expecting high school to be so stressful. I'm sorry."

"For...what?"

"For leaving you hanging. It won't happen again, I swear. Do you wanna stay for dinner?"

And L doesn't ask anymore. That's for the best. Maybe she already knows and doesn't know what to say. Or maybe...maybe she's afraid to know.

---

Sometimes Light does wonder where L disappears to. She knows not to ask, but she really does wonder. She looks out her window and imagines all sorts of things, and then she wonders what she actually does know about L. And, it's not much, compares to what L knows about her. Has she just never thought to ask? Is L grateful that Light hasn't asked?

She wonders if she has family in the area, friends, other than herself. Why did L choose Japan of all places to move straight from England?

Well, actually, that's a stupid thought considering that Watari, as the adult, probably chose where next they were to set up shop.

Still...

Light's quite discontented with the fact that really, truly, she doesn't know L at all.

---

Light's mom is just absolutely thrilled when one day she sees Light being dropped off in Misa's car. After so many years, Light has more friends than just the girl next door. Her dreams for her daughter are finally coming true. Sachiko pushes and prods and does everything in her power to make Light have her new 'friends' over for dinner. She practically moves heaven and earth.

Even when Light tells her there's a few boys, she just smiles wider.

Of course she has to assure Soichiro that they're all just friends.

Just 'friends.'

Even if each and every one of them give Light lingering looks. She now knows all too well what boys see when they look at her. She tries not to care.

So after a delicious ramen dinner, they head up to Light's room, and Sachiko tries on the outfit of a 'cool mom' by loudly telling Light she's allowed to leave her door closed. Soichiro grumbles, but just goes back to reading his paper. Sachiko and him have been fighting nearly every night that he's actually home lately, and he's desperately trying to avoid another.

Besides, Light's a good kid. They trust her.

"Your mom is so much nicer than my mom." Mikami complains. "Mine's constantly riding my ass. 'Mikami! You need to do the dishes!' 'You need to study harder!' 'You need to learn how to hide your condoms better' like give me a break, I'm sixteen. Sheesh."

"My mom's the same way." Misa complains. "She gets pissed off when I break curfew, but mine's so unreasonable! What kid our age is in bed by one o'clock? It's ridiculous."

Light just snickers, discretely texting L because she wishes she was hanging out with her instead. Her school friends are fine for school, but that's only because she has no one better to choose from. They're tolerable for about eight hours. They're all just so...shallow, like a kiddie pool. They talk about things Light or any other self-respecting person would have no interest in, and they only see about five steps in front of them. If she could choose, she'd rather be studying. At least then she'd be learning something. And, no, listening to fun facts about idols from Misa doesn't count.

They watch some gory, disgusting movie, Light's parents knock to tell her they're settling down for the night which is a transparent attempt at seeing if there's an orgy going on, and Light says they'll clear out in fifteen minutes, after the movie is over.

And they all do. Except for Mikami.

He lingers, and Light's hackles rise.

"God, I'm so tired." she yawns, pointedly.

"After that?" Mikami laughs. "God, you have a stomach for blood. I don't know how anyone could sleep after watching Martyrs."

"Oh please, the special effects are so cheesy." Light groans. "I could totally tell that it's just corn syrup and food coloring."

"I guess." Mikami shifts on his feet. "Well, thanks for inviting me over tonight."

"Yeah, thanks for coming. It was."

"I just can't believe this is the first time we've hung out. I mean, we've known each other practically forever."

This is what Light gets confused about. Because they haven't. Sure, they went to the same formative schools, their moms have talked at parent-teacher conferences, but that's about it. Mikami never spared her half a glance before.

"Yeah, well," Light shrugs, not really knowing what to say. "It's cool we're friends now."

Not really, but, it's the nice thing to say. Light's learned people like you better if you tell them nice things.

"Yeah, friends." Mikami coughs. "So, is there anyone you like?"

Oh no. Please, no.

"I like a lot of people, Mikami. I like all you guys."

"Yeah? What about me?" Mikami steps closer, a little too close, and Light wants to run. She wants to bolt out of her room straight into her parent's and hide in-between them in the bed. That's what she used to do when she was afraid there were monsters in her bed. But, the last time she did that, her overtired father yelled, telling her she was too old to be scared of childish things. So...she just sort of...freezes.

"Do you like me just a little bit more?" Mikami raises an eyebrow, with intent, leaning down so that his face is level with Light's from where she's sitting. His warm breath ghosts her lips. She can see her reflection in her glasses, and she looks like a frozen store mannequin. "Because I like you. A lot."

Mikami's eyes flick to hers, and she swallows. He takes that as an invite, and suddenly his lips are all over hers.

And Light's heart is beating so fast. She's no longer cold, frigid inside, she's burning up all over. But she still can't move. She can't even speak.

"Is this okay?" Mikami gasps, pulling away a half and inch, his hands gripping the armrests of her chair. Caging her in. "I can kiss you, right?"

Light manages a tiny nod of her head.

She doesn't know why.

It's not okay. In fact, she feels like she's going to die. She's sweating and on the verge of a panic attack. Every fiber of her being is screaming at her to run. If she doesn't, she knows what will happen. She's not so naïve as to believe all Mikami wants is a kiss.

But she can't turn him away. Even if she could find her voice, she could never say no. It would make things awkward. It would muddy things up. This is another one of those instances where the truth is left better unsaid. He might leave her, turn her friends against her, spread rumors and make her the laughingstock of the school. She doesn't want to say yes, but she can't say no.

She remembers one girl in her secondary school. What happened to Light happened to her. And because kids are stupid and mindless and cruel, they made it her fault. They hated her for being violated. She spoke up in an attempt for justice, and it was thrown back into her face. Everyone jeered, called her a liar, said she wanted attention even though no one wants attention brought to such a disgusting thing. She was branded a slut. 'Easy', even though she tried to close her legs. Boys drew crude drawings of her, girls held their noses up in disgust, and she ended up committing suicide because it became the only viable escape option. That's what happens when little girls try to fight back. You take what you're given with a smile on your face, because much like children, women are meant to be seen. Never heard.

Light's voice never really has been heard. It's like she's not even here. She's a ghost that's passed on, watching from the corner of the room as she's manhandled onto her bed. She's somewhere else now. Someone else is on that bed, not Light, because if it is her than she doesn't recognize herself and that's terrifying.

No, she's not here, she's back at that night.

And she lets Mikami do what he wants. She doesn't care. She closes her eyes and waits until it's done. Because then he'll leave. And she can be alone again, and she can cry where it's safe.

No. Not safe. The sheets where she used to hide aren't safe anymore. Anyone can get her at any time. She's breakable. Vulnerable.

And then the door opens, and Light's brought back into the present, where her sin is exposed. Oh God, if it's her mom or her dad or fucking Sayu-

But, no, her eyes meet shining silver ones.

"Fuck! S-sorry!" L stutters frantically, shutting the door. Light's positive her heart stopped.

"The fuck?" Mikami pants, pausing for a painful second. "Who the hell was that?"

"My friend." Light whispers. "Shit."

"Why the hell is your friend here at this time of night?" Mikami doesn't seem to realize he's got a job to finish. Light hates him for making this longer than it has to be. She hates L for seeing her like this. She hates herself for being like this.

"Don't worry about it." she snaps. "Keep going."

Luckily, Mikami's on the edge, so it takes him no time at all. Light doesn't care, let's him roll off of her and then shoos him up because he's making a fucking ugly mess on her sheets. She never heard the door close, so she prays L is still waiting somewhere in this house. If not, she'll go to her's. She needs to explain.

"I had fun tonight." Mikami tells her, not noticing or not caring that she's rushing him to put his clothes back on. "Maybe we could do this again sometime? I really do like you a lot."

"Yeah, yeah." Light mutters, not really taking note of any of his words. He's just sputtering white noise tonight. "You should probably go now."

"Oh, sure. You don't think your parents-"

"No, my room has thick walls." They have to, otherwise her father would have burst in and probably arrested Mikami for a made-up crime if only to punish him for defiling his daughter.

They tip-toe down the stairs, and luckily, L's waiting by the door, arms crossed. But, boy, she sure does look pissed.

"Uh, have a good night." Mikami mumbles, looking between the two, clearly wanting another kiss but wisely deciding he should leave while he's ahead. L's murderous eyes never leave him until he shuts the door, and then they flick right to Light. Without a word, L brushes past her and storms up the stairs.

Light runs after her.

"L, look, it's not what-"

"Not what it looked like?" L hisses violently as Light swings the door shut. "And what did it look like, huh? Because you guys sure as hell weren't just 'wrestling.'"

"You shouldn't have seen that." Light mutters. Really, she shouldn't have.

"You would have liked that. So, what, you have a boyfriend now?"

"Mikami is not my boyfriend." Light scowls, not at L, but at the idea that Mikami would be worthy enough to date her. L, obviously, takes it the wrong way.

"You lied to me."

"Lied to you?"

"Yes! You told me you weren't seeing anyone."

"I'm not!"

"Then what the hell was that?"

"It was just sex." Light bites her words out. "I didn't plan on it. It was impulsive. Why do you care so much." Why does she? Why is L so angry? Why does she sound almost hurt? Why does that hurt Light? Why can't she stop hurting people?

"I don't!"

"Then why are you mad at me?"

"Because you didn't tell me!"

"I don't have to give you a schedule of my sex life!" Light laughs cruelly. "Whatever I do in bed doesn't concern you."

"But we're best friends! You tell me everything!"

"What was I supposed to do? Call you during?"

"I just don't understand why you would like him of all people!" L rants, pacing before getting up in Light's face. "He's not good enough for you, you're way out of his league! Why can't you like someone who's actually good enough for you? Why-" And then, for the second time that's night, Light's being kissed. By L. Again. But it's so different, different from when they were kids.

Light freezes, again, but this time, for a different reason.

L's...kissing her?

"Fuck!" L whisper-shouts, horrified as she peels herself away from Light. "God...I-I don't know why I just did that."

Light just stands there, almost in a daze, swallowing heavily.

It's rather obvious why L's just kissed her.

"I didn't mean that. I didn't. Just...I'm tired, okay? I'm being silly. Just forget it. This is so embarrassing so, um, just forget it. I'll call you tomorrow-"

L doesn't get to finish that sentence, because now Light's kissing her.

She doesn't want L to leave.

---

Kissing L is different from kissing boys.

Having sex with L is different from having sex with boys. It feels different. Like she's not pretending, like she's almost full, not just a half-empty glass waiting to spill all over the floor.

They don't talk about it, they don't define anything. It all happens so naturally, like learning to walk and tying shoes. L's her best friend, that's what she'll always be. Light doesn't have to close her eyes when she's with her.

And Mikami still comes over. Sometimes they go to his house or do it in his mom's car. If he calls, she's there. Because it's what she needs to do. Light's learning a lot about what's expected of her. She's learning a lot of lessons this year.

Other boys start to come over too. She starts going to Misa's house more, for more parties, more alcohol. It's not so bad when she's drunk, because she's like a fading light. Nothing can hurt her while she's floating on cloud nine. Blurry, fuzzy, hazy images begin to multiple and become the norm. Light learns how to multitask. Stellar student by day, stellar whore by night. It's what you have to do. And, on rare occasions when Misa invites her over for a private drink, if she too wants a kiss, light will give it to her. It's what she has to do.

If Light's filled with enough alcohol, anyone can do anything to her. It doesn't matter. She's the cool girl. She's the girl everyone wants.

---

Light likes control. She loves control. She needs control. In her life previously, she's felt like she's driving a car that she has no control of. Like she's in Mario Kart driving in circles in rainbow road, constantly on the edge of crashing down into the fathomless galaxy below. It's a helpless feeling, one that used to make her cry.

But she's growing up, isn't she? A part of growing up is taking control of your own life. Sometimes others. Light finds that she can use parts of herself, her looks and her smarts, as tools. If she smiles widely enough at a boy, they're putty in her fingers. She's tricked them out of money, favors, because she's smarter than all of them. She lets them use her, but she's in control the whole time, they're just too stupid to realize it.

Alcohol numbs, she's in control of her feelings.

She studies longer, harder than anyone else, and her brain is naturally more advanced, she's in control of her grades, her future.

If Light says the right things and does the right things, she's in control of her image. She wears conservative clothes that can turn slutty at the bat of an eye. She wears makeup that makes her look as innocent as a catholic schoolgirl in detention. Everyone wants control but not too many people are willing to actually put in the work to grab their life by the reins and pull. She is.

She's pliable to her own two hands, she twists and shapes many different masks for many different people. She learns the definition of perfection and studies it, becoming flawless.

Everyone loves Light. Boys love her, girls would love to be her. She's the girl everyone trails after, everyone wants to party with her, or study with her, or go shopping with her. She always knows the right thing to do. The right thing to say. She's an idol. And idle idol.

She was never in control of herself before, but now that she is, it's intoxicating. Addictive. She never wants to lose control again. She'd die if she did. She sticks fingers down her throat once a month, just because she can, because she craves the rush of endorphins that follow. She loves feeling empty, like a floating cloud of no substance. She has to be skinny. She has to be skinnier than she was yesterday. She's in an eternal competition with past versions of herself. Light's not stupid, she knows what she's doing. Who cares if she's ruining her teeth? She'll get veneers. Who cares if one day it becomes too much for her heart to handle?

Well, did she ever really have a heart in the first place?

Who needs a heart when you're in love with your image?

The only thing she can't control is her love for L. Sometimes she wishes she could, but when she's honest with herself, this loss of control is bearable. Loving L is the best decision she's ever made. It's the only thing that's ever truly made her free.

---

They're kissing again, in L's bedroom, soft French music trills on in the background and everything smells so floral. L's lips are so soft against her's, they taste like cherry. Light digs her fingers in her hair, pulling L towards her, because she just can't get enough. If she could, she'd crawl inside of L's very own skin, become a part of her, and even then somehow she still wouldn't be close enough.

L's biting her lip, she feels dizzy, drugged though she's sober and clean.

Her phone rings, breaking their blissful escape from reality.

Light smiles as their teeth clack together. She wants to ignore whatever intruder is interrupting, but it could be her mom.

So drunken on the lustful gaze L's fixed her with, she stupidly ignores the caller id.

"Hello?"

"You busy?" Mikami's voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. Light's insides sour.

She also apparently still too high on serotonin and sexy brain chemicals to realize her phone's on speaker, and the volume's turned all the way up.

"Yeah, I'm out with my mom. We're shopping." Light makes herself sound annoyed. "Why? What's up?"

"I miss you. Can you come over tonight?"

"Maybe." She will, of course, but that doesn't mean she has to be happy about it.

"Anything I can do to make that 'maybe' turn into a 'hell yes?'"

"Buy me a Ferrari?" It's a joke, but Mikami's so obsessed with her he might actually do it. It's why he's her favorite toy to play with. Letting someone love you without loving them back is so fucking powerful.

"Whatever Yagami." he laughs. "Bye, love you."

Light just hangs up. Last week, while she was bent over her desk and notes from Geometry, Mikami gripped her hips so violently that bruises appeared and whispered that he loved her. He hadn't finished yet, you see. Light stayed quiet and it hung in the air, neither denied nor accepted. They haven't spoken about it since.

Light flips her phone, it slides off of the bed but she just smiles, leaning back in to kiss L-

Only L's glaring at her. "You're dating him now?"

"What?" Light laughs. "No?"

"'Love you.'" L imitates Mikami's deep voice sarcastically. "Wow. You two are practically married. He loves you now, Light."

"Shut up, it's not like that. Mikami talks shit."

"So, loving someone is shit now?"

"My God! We're seventeen years old." Light sighs. "I don't love anyone. No one loves anyone at this age."

"So you don't love me?" L scowls, slipping off the bed. Light sighs, hanging her head. Shit.

"I didn't mean it like that. You know I didn't."

"I hate when you do that Light. You say something truthful and then try and take it back with a lie when people get upset." L snaps. "You should just go."

Anger bubbles up inside of Light. Why does L have to be so serious about every little thing? Teenage angst hit her later than most apparently. All she does nowadays is brood about how awful the world is, how awful people are. And she does it so openly it makes Light sick. Not that she doesn't agree, but she knows how to keep bothersome thoughts to herself.

"Fine, whatever." Light snaps back. "I've got people lined up at my door. I don't need you."

"Yeah, you don't need anyone. Does that feel powerful? Being a cold block of ice?"

"I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you. Why can't we ever just have a nice time anymore? If you're not bitching at me, you're bitching about Watari, or the mailman, or the guy who made your coffee order slightly wrong. For God's sake! Maybe take an antidepressant."

L doesn't reply. She just broods, quietly, sulking. Light grabs her purse and stomps towards the door.

"If you go over and fuck Mikami tonight, don't bother talking to me tomorrow." L suddenly says, as Light's hand ghosts the doorknob.

"Fine. I'll talk to you the day after tomorrow then."

"No, don't talk to me ever again." That does it. Light whirls around, flabbergasted. But also panicking. L can't mean that.

"You can't be serious."

"Deadly." L turns around and smiles, coldly, not an ounce of affection present in her gaze. Light wants to scream. She wants to act out like a small toddler. How could L be so callous? How could she be so willing to abandon Light? Almost like she's ready. Like she's been waiting for an opportunity.

But yelling and falling into the floor in tears would be ridiculous, and Light's never been one to cause a scene. "You're such a control freak it's insane. So, what, you'll leave me if I'm not willing to bend over backwards for you?"

"I'm not asking for anything extreme Light!" L sneers, thank God Watari's doing yardwork. "I'm asking for commitment!"

"Commitment? Fuck's sake L, really?"

"Yeah, I know, the thought that I might want the person I'm fucking to stop playing around and actually be exclusive? Unheard of. I really am such a control freak, huh? Forget I said anything then. Fuck you."

"Do you know what you're asking?"

"Yeah. I'm done with fooling around. I want us to be together." L deadpans, spreading her arms expectantly. Light just stares at L like she's sprouted another head. She knows she has to be delicate about this but it's really ridiculous.

"I think you know why I could never do that."

"Because you don't love anyone, yeah, I know. You love Mikami, though. Apparently."

"He said it! Not me!" Light shouts. "And if I was to love anyone, yeah, it'd have to be a man. You know my father L."

L loses some of her fire, deflating like a helium balloon and slouching off into her desk chair. "In two years you'll be eighteen."

Light frowns, scratching her arm. She has absolutely no idea how to deal with moments as serious as these. Not without being fake, but, she doesn't want to do that with L. She can't. She might be incapable of breaking L's heart. Because it would break hers too. It would.

"And what if he asks me to a school dance, huh? What if another boy does? Am I supposed to turn all of them down because I'm, what, yours? Like I'm property? L, even if I don't like it, one day I will have a boyfriend. One day I will get married and I will have kids. My dad wouldn't settle for anything less. Can you imagine if he found out we've had sex? He'd disown me without a second thought."

"You're seventeen, Light, that's a bit too old to still crave daddy's approval." L says nastily.

"You don't get it! You never had one." Fuck! Light didn't mean that! She didn't! It's another one of those horrible instances where the worst thing she could think of slipped out of her mouth without it being filtered first. Light feels horrible, opening her mouth to apologize but L's already fixed her with a stare that renders her mute. A cold, dead stare. Her stomach churns.

"Nice. That's real nice Light." L nods. "Yeah, let's go for the easy hits now. Fuck you. Fuck you for using that against me. Get the fuck out."

"No, L, I'm sorry! I didn't mean that."

"You said it, of course you meant it. People don't say things they don't mean, do they? Especially people like you. And, hey, it's true and all, so, whatever."

"But you have Watari. He's your dad. So, no, it's not true."

"Watari's not my father." L says quietly. "But even if he was, I wouldn't allow him to dictate my happiness. That's you. That's your problem. Don't take it out on me because you're incapable of love."

Light really feels like this might be the end of something. She chokes back tears, knowing she has to say something to make this right. She'll say anything at this point. She just can't have L leave her. Because...

She'd drown. L's all she has, really. Everything else is superficial, replaceable, cheap and devoid of anything meaningful. She can't even bear the thought of L leaving her, she can't imagine it, all she imagines is television static, because even dreaming up a life without L is too horrifying. It makes her physically ache. After all this time-

And, yeah, maybe it's true. Maybe Light can't love anyone. Maybe she's made herself too numb and it's too late. But, if she had to place a face to that word, it would always be L's. Light loves her as much as she can, more than herself perhaps, more than the very air she breathes. She'd do anything for L. She'd change for L. She thinks about L even when she goes home, she's done so for years. Even when L leaves, her presence lingers. If everyone in the world was to suddenly disappear, Light would be fine as long as L remained. Time stops and nothing else matters when L looks at her as if she is the universe itself. As if she's a God. And if that's not love...can't she see that Light's giving her all she's got?

And she's not good with words. That specific word. It hurts too much, it'll hurt even more if L leaves in the end, and Light grows more fearful every passing day that she will. Loving people is the most foolish thing a person can do. But, before she realized that, she'd already fallen headfirst for the girl next door. This love could kill her, she knows that, but she still feels it because she can't feel anything else. Of all the feelings, she can't numb out this thing she feels for L. And she's tried. But...she's trapped.

This is the one variable in her life she has no control over. Hell, she's been drowning for years, but L has and always will be her life preserver.

"Please. I'm sorry." Light whispers, her heart shaking as she goes over to kneel but L's chair. L says nothing, her eyes are closed and her head is turned away, but Light still grips her arm. She needs her to feel what she's feeling.

"Alright." L finally replies, but it's hollow. Light swallows.

"Just because I don't say the words doesn't mean I don't feel it. Words are shit, L, they're meaningless. If I was to date Mikami it wouldn't mean anything. I could never love him. But, you...it's always you, L. I'm here with you, right now. And what we have...it's more important than any title ever could be. You are the purest thing in my life. You're the only person who means anything to me, I swear it to you. Please." Light reaches up, kissing her jaw furiously. She'll do it again, she'll sleep with L until the sun goes down, and she'll stay. She'll do whatever it takes.

"Light..." L sighs, bitterly regretful, but defeated.

"You're the only one."

---

The spring fling dance comes and goes. It's fine, it's just another party, except it's one that's school sanctioned. Alcohol is snuck in and the music makes the floors thump. Students abandon the sweaty gymnasium floor covered in glitter and streamers to go hump in the bathrooms and locker rooms. Light's feet ache something fearsome in these ungodly heels, and her dress is short, too short for Mikami's lingering hands.

He did end up asking her, in the end. She knew it. She anticipated it. So many boys did, but Mikami won out in the end solely because he's got a nice car and could actually pay for a nice dinner. Plus, that meant they could go with their friend group, so it was less like a date. Misa came with Yamamoto, Takada came with Ito, and Mei came with Akira. They leave early when Light's headache becomes too severe, and all she remembers is flashes of colors.

They are meant to sleep over at Misa's house. Mikami and Light sneak off to the guest bedroom, after everyone's already fallen asleep in the living room.

"I love your lips..." Mikami says hurriedly, sucking on her jaw. "Just begging to be kissed...you're so fucking hot, my God Light-"

Mikami falls asleep, his arm wrapped around her like a chain, snoring like a bear in hibernation. Light can't sleep. She just keeps staring at the ceiling. Her hearts being pulled in the direction of her house, so she leaves, slipping out the door quietly and walking home barefoot.

The stars guide her to the one she needs most.

L went out of town for two whole weeks, but she came back last night. She texted Light and Light went over straight after. L's leaving so often these days, for what, Light doesn't know. When she asks, L gets evasive, so she's just accepted it. She always worries that one of these days L will leave and she'll never see her again. And...

No, Light's probably being ridiculous but-

L always seems so sad when she comes back. Older, like Light's become, but even wiser. Her eyes tell haunting tales, and maybe that's part of the reason why Light's stopped asking too.

L's sitting on her roof tonight, Light texts and asks if she'll come down and come over. L doesn't reply, but from Light's window she sees her climb back through her window. She fixes her smeared makeup, and adjusts her dress.

"God, you smell like alcohol." L sniffs, coming into her room. Light just smiles from her desk chair. "Weren't you supposed to be at some prom shit?"

"I wanted to see you. I wanted to show you my dress." Light smiles, getting up with a flourish. "You like it."

"Fuck me, of course I like it." L's practically drooling. "You'd make a paper sack look good. And it's backless? Ooh, you really want some tonight, don't you?"

"Ew, you sound like a pig when you talk like that." Light snorts.

"I definitely don't care. And red is definitely your color."

Light goes to L, wrapping her arms around her hips. "Dance with me." she says simply.

"Now? There's no music."

"We'll make our own." Light whispers, leaning forward, and L smiles against her lips as they slowly begin to sway back and forth. Just holding each other, really, but it's the best dance Light's had tonight. It's the best dance she's had ever. She could imagine dancing with L like this at their wedding. It's an impossible thought, but it's still nice to picture all of the white.

And she imagines soft sounds of piano, lilting flutes, soft guitar strings strumming along with the rocking of their bodies. Light buries her head in L's neck as her arms wrap securely around her back. She's being held just like a baby, shielded from the woes of life, feeling L's heart thump in time against hers.

In this quiet room, alone, love thrives. Here, with the lone light from her desk lamp, Light's eyes prick with tears that drip down to her smile. No one needs to see this. No one needs to know about this, because this happiness, right here, is all for her. It's all for them. And it's always been just them, alone and shielded away from everyone else. What they share together is something the greatest love poets couldn't put into words.

L's seen her tonight, and that's all that matters anyway. When L's eyes latch onto hers, she's at home in her heart.

"I wish I could have taken you tonight." L mouths against her neck. And then she mouths three words that Light couldn't forget even if she tried. She just holds on to L again, because she's drowning, but L's drowning too, so maybe they'll die together.

---

Kissing L feels like tasting poison while committing suicide. It's dark love that taints Light fully. It's makes her the happiest girl in the world. L tastes like sugar, like fruit, like heaven. She kisses Light perfectly, their lips fit together like puzzle pieces, like God designed them himself with the intention of bringing them together. Any rational thought simply slips from Light's brain when L's lips mesh against hers. Whether it's soft in airy, or violently passionate, her heart sings every time. And every time one of them has to pull away for breath, Light regrets it. Even if she spent the rest of her life with her lips against L's, she still wouldn't have enough time to fully savor the feelings of their kisses.

---

The world really is rotten. It's a disgusting place. It's a hellish horror show and Light can't leave it fast enough. And she hates feeling this way. Because the world was meant for good. It was created for all of humanity to thrive, along with birds and bees and trees and leaves alike. The problem is wicked people and their tainted beating hearts, these monsters ruin anything that has the potential of being good. All these fucking people...Light wishes they would just die.

And Light wants to change the world for good, really. If anyone was to do it it'd have to be her, because she knows what's good and right and pure. Justice flows through her blood, she's always known what goodness is without even having to be taught. She wishes more than anything that someday she could make the world a better place. A safer place, just for some, even that would be good enough. If Light was God, she'd simply kill every evildoer in sight. Because that's what's right.

Every day, the world and the people inside of it grow more decrepit...

Her school is a map for the life to come. The bullies here will never grow up, they'll either become more sneaky or simply go to jail for murder. The weak are picked on, those who look a bit different are scorned horrifically, and boys fight other boys who they deem, quote., 'gay'.

It's why Light's currently sitting with Mikami outside the nurse's office as he holds an icepack up to a swelling lip.

"Hashitori is such a fucking idiot." he mutters. "I'm obviously not gay. You know that. I have sex with you, like, all the time."

"Say that a bit louder." Light grumbles, looking around the hallway nervously, settling when it's empty. "But even if you were gay, it doesn't give him the right to hit you."

"Exactly." Mikami spits. "He's just bitter that I scored higher on the test. Well, maybe he should have studied more."

"He's a little man with a little ego." Light rolls her eyes.

"And a tiny dick."

"I hope he gets expelled."

"Nah, his parents donate loads of yen to this school. I doubt he'll even get suspended. The principle and him are probably having a lovely chat about the weather over tea right about now."

Light's fists curl in ever-present anger. The unjustness of this orchestrated life leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. "It's awful."

"That's life Yagami. You don't have to play the game, you just need to figure out the most conniving, underhanded way to cheat everyone else out of a fair shot."

"And parents like Hashitori's are just teaching their kids the same scumbag lessons their parents are teaching them."

"We should just kill out the bloodline at this rate. People are either good or evil, they always fall into one of those categories, with no exceptions. And a truly evil person can never change. I don't believe that. They should all just die."

Light nods along, agreeing with every word. She just wishes a plague would sweep this school, something divinely crafted, to snuff out the scourge and sweep them away. She knows if that happened, she'd be the only one left alive.

She just hates people. Wicked, dirty people. She wishes they'd all disappear. She's tired of hating evil.

---

So, the school day was shit, but they have been every single day lately, so now it doesn't even seem to faze Light. Finals are coming up soon and she's had Cram school every single night, just cramming information into her head until she can't breathe. It's fine, almost, because she's been used to this since she was twelve, but still, she can't wait until summer.

Then it's only one more year of school, and she can deal with that. Then...To-Oh, hopefully, if she manages to get the top score in the nation, she'll have every single scholarship she wants.

"You sure you can't hang out today?" Misa asks in that nervous tone when she knows Light's about to deny her something, and Light just sighs, pausing at the cross streets that lead them to their separate houses.

"I'm really sorry. I've just gotta study."

"But you study, like, all of the time." Misa whines, and now Light wouldn't hang out with her even if she was free. "You'd have the highest scores even if you slept through half of the testing."

That's just cocky. Light fights the urge to smile. "Intelligence isn't a gift, Misa, I have to always keep working for what I want. Good grades won't just come because I wish for them."

"Yeah, yeah." Misa grumbles, hanging her head. "Enjoy your date with textbook-senpai!"

Light waves, never looking back. God, it really is such a nice day out, it really is a shame. But if she can't even hang out with L, she's certainly not going to fritter away precious time away drinking at Misa's. Drunkards don't get into To-Oh. People who frolic about in sunny fields don't, either.

Sometimes she does wonder about that old brook she and L used to go to. Nice, warm, crisp days like this remind her of the cool tumbling waters. Even though the world is a shithole, it is gorgeous. It just reminds Light of what a tragedy it's turned into, and that makes her despondent most days. Nature is gorgeous in the quiet, with the sun shining over the lands, illuminating the smallest details most busybodies don't stop to appreciate.

Light closes her eyes, trying to enjoy what she can before she walks through her door. Wind rustles her straightened hair and spots of sunlight dance behind her eyelids. She almost feels like she's walking on wind. Almost.

"Come on...don't be like this!" Andddd...nature is ruined once again by someone's whiny voice. Light's eyes snap open as she glares at her driveway. She really hates her neighbors.

"Beyond. Don't be absurd, it's not a good look."

"But I flew all of this way sweetheart." Light frowns, that's L's voice. And some man's...flew here?

Light's eyes chance a peak. She can only see the back of L's head where she's standing. Oh, and it's so rude to eavesdrop. It's repulsive to spy, Light won't even think about it. She's not that type pe of creep, she's better than that. No, she simply keeps an eye on L's yad as she walks closer to her house and...oops, she went around to the other side. She forgot where the door was. She's silly like that sometimes.

And then her karma swiftly kicks her in the face as she stops cold in her tracks, nearly knocked over by the force. L's kissing someone who's not her. She's kissing that boy, that boy who has his tongue down her throat and his arms around her shoulders. Light feels like she's going to be sick. L's kissing someone and it's not her. It's a boy.

She walks back to her house in a daze, as if she's just undergone electroshock therapy. L's with someone else. Someone who's not her. Light slumps against her doorframe, shaking.

"Light?" Sachiko calls from the kitchen. "Is that you?"

"Yeah." Light chokes out quickly, fighting tears that are already falling. They're silent, but deadly, pooling in glassy eyes. "I'm going up to my room to study."

"Okay sweetheart! Let me know if you need anything, anything at all!"

A hug. Light could use a hug right now. But her mother wouldn't understand. She'd think it had something to go to school. Light robotically marches up the stairs, falling onto her bed to sob into her mattress.

She doesn't know what she saw. She doesn't want to. But she knows what it means.

She tries to block out the memories but it's like they've been branded onto her brain with fire. She can't black them out, they're saturated in bright colors. Such ugly, ugly colors. Sun shone down upon them, the bushes were perfectly green and perfectly trimmed, the brown picket fence was a sweet rust color, and the boy's hair was as black as L's.

Light's first impulse is to call Mikami and fuck him with the curtains open. Fuck him in her backyard, so L and her boyfriend can watch.

But, gah! That's stupid! So utterly stupid! Light has to study, she has cram school in three hours, what the hell is she doing? L's derailing her, this love is making her act like a brainless zombie starved for the one thing she can't allow herself. Her humanity is falling. But her insides are twisted into ribbons and her rib cage aches from heaving.

She wants to throw up but she hasn't eaten anything today.

Her mind's just running rampant with images of L and that boy. She couldn't think of anything else if she tried. She's so, so sick. She's in such a horrible state. This can't be happening. Light cries, shoulder's shaking, breathy sobs running from her lips, whispering one single word over and over again until it sounds fake and hollow. No. This isn't happening. But it is.

And Light cares so much, way too much.

She watches as the sun goes down, and she hasn't moved an inch.

Though the tears stopped long ago, now she's just rocking herself back and forth, making the bed creak as she herself is the only one who's fucked. She feels like she's cried her actual soul out. She just keeps gasping for breath, not crying, but shaking horrifically.

What's she even meant to say to L now?

Can she ever talk to her again?

Can she afford that? Can her mental state take another beating? This is why she never wanted to fall in lo- this is why she never wanted to like L in the first place. It's made her stupid, weak, and pathetic. It's made her no better than an inchworm on the floor. She's so disgusted at herself, and simultaneously too exhausted to care. Her eyes flutter shut, burning.

Something else is burning too...her stomach-

Oh God, she really is going to throw up.

Ripping her door open, she sprints into the bathroom not a second too late, and spills her guts into the toilet. It's just bile, burning and tearing her already rubbed raw vocal chords. And then she heaves. Her stomach aches as if she's been stabbed. Now she's feeling physical pain too? Does her heart hurt so badly that her body is following suit?

Her legs tremble, liquid suddenly runs down her right thigh. Light freezes. If she just pissed herself-

Wiping a string of spit swinging from her lips, unsteady fingers feel between her legs. Pulling them away, she finds them coated with red filth. Her eyes widen, her mouth dropping open into a silent scream.

On today of all days-

Finally, suddenly, she's an official woman.

She doesn't have a pad, or a tampon, and stuffing toilet paper down there would just be insane. She'll have to run over to Misa's. Yeah, that's easier than a store. And not because there's sake there either...

Though, would anyone fault her if she was to indulge?

---

"Light? What happened to your eyes? You don't have pink eye, do you?"

"Misa, you saw me two hours ago, of course I don't have pink eye." Light scowls, blinking furiously. Damn. She thought concealer and eye drops would do the trick. Whatever. Misa's just hypersensitive about other's looks. "I got mascara in my eyes, that's it probably."

"Oh. Ouch." Misa winces, clinging onto her door. "What are you doing here? I thought you were studying?"

"I was. I'm on my way to cram school." Light shuffles. "I um...I need to borrow a tampon."

"Ohhhh you finally-"

"You don't have to announce it to the whole neighborhood." Light hisses. "Can I just come in? I'll only be a moment."

"Uh...how about I bring it to you?"

Light frowns. "Why can't I just come in?" Wasn't Misa nearly begging her to come in just this afternoon? Why is Light suddenly being treated like an obnoxious Jehovah's witness?

"It's just...not a good time. Y'know..."

"Misa!" A sudden loud, slurring voice interrupts their conversation and Misa's eyes drop to the floor. Oh.

"My mom's drunk." she mutters finally, opening the door a little wider. "Just go upstairs to my room, but be quiet, my mom's on the warpath."

Light nods, slipping in and taking off her shoes as quiet as a mouse. Hearing how loud and obnoxious people become while intoxicated has always made her wary of the substance, and now she decides she should definitely just stick to water tonight. She doesn't want to become...like that.

"They're in my bedside table." Misa whispers, slipping past her into the kitchen to quiet her mom. Light nods, going to the top of the stairs and stopping, for some unknown reason. Not to spy! Just to...um...see if everything's alright with Misa.

"Whoth's at the door?" the woman slurs, dark and angry. "One of your little boyfriends."

"No one. Just, can you put the sake down-"

"No! I can do...what I want!"

"Mom, please, why don't you just go lay down or-"

The grey silhouettes of two women dance on the wall, and the taller shadow suddenly strikes the smaller one, making Light cringe. The sound echoes throughout the house.

"You're just like him! Your father!" she shrieks, and Light bounds up the stairs into her bedroom. Nope. Uh-uh. She's definitely got a lot more than she's bargained for, just somehow miraculously ending up in the wrong place at the wrong time. She's just gotta go. She doesn't have the brainpower to deal with this-

But as she grabs a plastic tube and prepares to climb out the window, the door bursts open and Misa barrels in, her eyes now just as red, ringing with light grey mascara tears. Her cheekbone is bright red, with the help of no blush whatsoever.

"Did you hear any of that?" Misa asks quietly, after the two stare at each other for a moment.

Light pauses, thinking.

"Not if you don't want to talk about it."

There, now it puts the burden on Misa. Unfortunately, she does seem to want to talk about it. And Cram school is in twenty minutes.

"I guess I got mascara in my eyes too." Misa laughs wetly, the pads of her fingers skimming her under eyes. "She's such a bitch. I hate her."

Light nods, taking a silent seat on the window seat. She's not even there, just a comforting ear to listen while Misa rants about nothing and everything. She might as well be a fly on the wall. Actually, Misa seems practiced with this, so she might have these talks with her stuffed animals when no one else is around, just to get these muddy feelings out of her mind.

"She got laid off a few weeks ago...and-and my deadbeat father stopped sending the child support checks, so, that's why I've been repeating outfits. It's so embarrassing, I might as well just stick a sign on my forehead announcing I'm destitute. He'd rather spend money on his slutty new girlfriend's kids than his own daughter! I hate him. And I hate her too. My parents fucking suck, I don't know why they had me in the first place." Misa's bottom lip wobbles, and suddenly she's unraveling at the seams, falling to the floor with sobs that rack her entirely too small frame. She clutches at her rug, beating it with her fists, and Light doesn't know exactly what she's supposed to do besides look at her.

Because any words she could say would be hollow, wouldn't they? And is that really what Misa wants?

No, that's what L wouldn't want. The thought brings a sour taste to Light's mouth.

Misa probably needs sympathies; she doesn't care how empty and repeated those words are as long as someone who cares for her are saying them. She just needs to be heard. And Light's a good friend, she can't leave until Misa's stopped crying.

So Light falls down with her, stooping to her level, and wraps her arms around her. Misa gasps, a quiet and breathy sound, before latching onto Light, her nails digging into her shoulder blades, creating bruises in the shape of tiny crescents.

Misa's made her life sad, she's a sad person, she has no one to talk to and when she does speak no one's there to listen.

"I'm sorry Misa." Light is angered by the unjustness of a parent striking their child and calling it corporal punishment, but it's a dull ache, something she's accustomed to. "You don't deserve that."

And those little words stop her tears. It's like Light's a magician. Maybe this is her calling, comforting those even though she feels nothing, just like a therapist profiting off of the sadness of other's. It really is a good gig, it takes her mind off of her own sorrow for a moment, seeing the burdens of others, and it makes her feel somewhat special. At least she'd never allow herself to be that sad. She'll never be sad, never again. It's all about control, controlling the sadness until it morphs into anger, and anger only spurs her on.

And Misa needs her. She doesn't. It evident by the way she never let's go until Light has to pry herself away because she has to leave. Leaving isn't hard, not when you're in control of that too. She never looks back.

---

Misa told Light that she first wanted to sit with her because she's in tune with auras. She saw a shining yellow envelop Light, which was really just the sun's rays shining down upon her, but it was enough to pull Misa towards her. Misa sensed something, she said, she bathed her crystals in the moon's light the night before and they told her to trust in the moon. Because of the name Light's mother chose for her that made their friendship blossom.

It's all bullshit, but Light listens. Misa likes to romanticize normalcy, because reality is just too fucking boring for her. Misa always needs lights and cameras and action. Her life's a movie. A sad movie, but she thinks that if she's pretty enough or witty enough or successful in her smiles, her sadness will mean something.

Light resents Misa, but she loves her when no one else is around.

---

Light doesn't speak to L for a long time. L tries to see her, but Light tells her mother she can't see friends, because she's just so busy with studying. She makes herself hard to reach, and her mother admires what she sees as determination, turning L away at their front door while Light's a safe distance away. One time she's in the living room studying and she and L meet eyes for a brief second. But L can't talk to her. It's freeing, like a shot of sake mixed with cocaine smeared on her bleeding gums.

L texts her a scathing message, something to do with Light being more bipolar than the people in mental hospitals, and Light ignores the message, blocking the number. She'll talk to L when she's ready. She will. Because it's on her terms and L needs to know that. L gets to disappear whenever she likes, L gets to lie and lie about what she does in her spare time, so Light can do. It's fair game that way.

Until Watari comes over to give her mother freshly baked bread. Light sits by her doorframe, jaw clenched and a single tear trailing from her eye as Watari says goodbye. She never even knew why L came to Japan in the first place, but apparently it was due to Watari having business in the area. Business that couldn't be taken care of while still living in England. It wasn't fate that brought them together, it was a businessman looking out for his own interests. L will be going back with him, surely, and she doesn't even have the courtesy to tell Light.

Whatever, it means nothing. Light's not sad, she's not a sad girl, she studies harder because numbers and multiple choice answers can't make her sad, only clinical and detached. It's why she loves knowledge, because knowledge is never sad, it's just a fact of life. L's leaving and that's a fact, it's not sad, it's just the way things are.

One day her parents take Sayu to a dance recital in Tokyo. They'll be gone all day. Light doesn't go because she just has to study, taking summer school classes and volunteering opportunities solely because she wants her resume to be big and fat, but really she doesn't need to go because if she wants to watch a bunch of moron's prance around on stage she'd google search a live performance of the nutcracker ballet.

Moving trucks are lined up in L's driveway. Light doesn't look, but sometimes her eyes wander. Whatever. Like she cares. If L really cared about her she'd have found a way to talk to her. This just proves that she never really loved Light, and that's fine, there's no loss, because Light never said the words anyway.

But as the afternoon drags on, Light hears her front door open downstairs. It's not her parents, it's L, of course. She gave her a spare key many years ago. She must be here to return it. That's probably symbolic, but Light feels colder than she ever has before, her knee is bouncing up and down and the fine hairs on her arms are shaking.

Of course, L came here to see her, and that's only confirmed when the door slowly creaks open. It could be a burglar, sure, but Light doesn't even turn around, her eyes stay trained on the blank piece of paper in front of her, waiting to be defiled by words.

Now is a supremely bad time for 'Everytime' to be trilling on lightly in the background. Fuck her playlist.

"I've tried calling you." L finally speaks, her voice hard and twisted, while simultaneously sounding like nothing at all. Like the dull roar of the sea before it consumes everything on its shore.

"Have you? I didn't notice."

"That's because you blocked me you cunt."

Ah, insults. Nice. "Did I? I don't think so. You just haven't called."

A pause. And then a spurt of bitter laughter. "You're amazing Light. You lie about the stupidest things. Really. Even caught in the act, you continue to lie. Do you just think that no one will notice? You're such a smooth talker that it makes me sick."

She makes L sick. She shouldn't care. She does. This is why she needs L to leave. Because if she says anything, she'll cry, and she can't let L see that. It's a weakness and she hates L for making her weak. A part of her as always hated L for infiltrating her so thoroughly.

"I'm going back to England." L finally says, the words hitting Light like a pile of bricks. She hums, an uneven sound. "I thought you might want to know, but you do already, don't you? You must've seen the moving trucks."

Light shrugs. "Yeah, back to England. Sounds fun. Send me a postcard, will you?"

"...That's it?"

"Yeah. You're leaving. People leave, L, that's life."

"I came to say goodbye." L's voice shakes, and Light thinks something cracks inside of her too. "Aren't you even going to say goodbye?"

Light's hardly listening, just waiting for the noise to drain back to silence. She feels so tired. It really is over. She's exhausted and wants to sleep for a thousand years.

"I don't need to. I don't want to say goodbye."

"What's gotten into you?" L marvels. "Why are you angry at me? What have I ever done to you?"

"I'm not angry."

"Then why won't you look at me?"

"Because you'll be gone soon, there's no point in looking when I'll just blink."

That does it, L swings Light's chair around so fiercely Light almost falls over. Light gapes for a moment, steadying herself, before looking into L's dark grey orbs. The silver disappeared long ago, now there's just layers and layers of a stormy sky. Light will not cry, she makes her eyes harden. She will not cry and loose more of herself than she already has.

"I wanted to stay." L hisses, leaning down into her face. Light can't look her in the eyes, she concentrates on those lips she used to know. "I wanted to stay for you, but since you don't care, why should I? Right?"

Light doesn't really take stock of her words, because L never really means what she says. She says she loves Light and then she kisses somewhere else, she promised to always be her friend but then she wanted more, she said she'd always stay and now she's packing up shop. She doesn't even care that Light's upset, she just hates to feel her shared coldness. Well, Light's been feeling that for years.

It's just over. Light's already accepted that. She's locked the door on what they had, and the windows are frozen and unable to be opened. Light couldn't go back if she tried. What's she meant to say anyway? There is no happy ending because life continues on after the credits role, unless the movie ends with death. Happy endings aren't realistic, Santa Claus doesn't exist, and spontaneous love confessions in the rain just makes everyone's clothes wet. There's nothing she can do now. Even love couldn't save them now. It's not sad or painful, it's just realistic. It's life, and life has never been kind to Light, though they do have a mutual understanding of the destruction they bring upon each other.

"Well, you're not staying." Light tells her. L's eyes widen before Light looks away.

"Tell me to and I will."

"Will you?" Light laughs. "You'll stay."

"If you give me a reason to."

Light shouldn't have to. If L really wanted to stay, she would. She's just trying to force Light's hand in showing her love, just like always. L's only ever given her threats and ultimatums, is that her way of showing her love? "Don't put that on me. Don't make me be the reason you make a decision based about your life."

Unsaid words flick through the air, Light's lips are firmly stapled shut and she will not claim any of them.

"Most everything I do is for you." L shakes her chair violently. "I've been waiting around for you for years, you're the only person who's opinion I actually value. Of course I want you to tell me to stay."

Whether she stays or goes, it's going to hurt Light the same. Why bother?

And L's never stayed in the past, even when Light's needed her the most. She goes off on trips and adventures almost every week, it's like she's already gone.

"Well, I'm not going to L. Because...what? Am I going to have to go over and order Watari to stay too? Am I the one meant to cause a scene just so you don't have to tell me what you really mean? It's ridiculous, I'm not going to do it."

"And what do I mean? Why are you putting words in my mouth, what do I mean? Hm?"

"God, just tell me goodbye like a normal friend."

"...A Normal friend? Because that's all that we are?"

"Yeah, we're friends."

"Friends have sex?"

"I do with mine." Light smiles cruelly. "Sex doesn't mean anything L."

"Oh. I think a lot of people would disagree with you on that."

"Then, fine, I don't care. It doesn't mean anything to me."

"You're so callous. How can you be so callous? You have nothing to say to me?"

"If I had something to say I would have called you." Light finally snaps, turning away. "Just go. Go on home to England, because that's where your home is. I don't care. I don't know in how many different languages I have to say this, but I don't care about what you do. I don't own you. Whatever you do is your decision, and it has nothing to do with me. Just go."

But L's already gone, slamming the door behind her. It's like she was never even there.

---

Pride is such an ugly, twisted, disgusting thing. It ruins lives. Light can't live without it.

L leaves, and her house stays empty.

Ghosts peer through the windows and Light shuts her blinds.

---

It hurts more than Light thought it would. It's not supposed to hurt this much. It really isn't. But, now, it feels like the air is being ripped straight from her lungs.

She didn't expect to miss her this much.

It's unnatural.

Memories replay in her mind like a broken record. Images of happy times and sunshine smiles fill her mind, and she can't banish them. L tells her she loves her, but then she doesn't. Light has arguments, staring at her wall, imagining what she'd say different. Imagining ways she'd make things better.

But this was her choice, wasn't it? Yes. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it. What's done is done.

It doesn't stop her from crying, but she forgets about her tears after they've fallen. They don't serve her anymore.

She misses L, but a version of her she's created in her mind. It's not real. It's just a dream. Maybe that's all it ever was.

Light thinks about her a lot, but she never calls. She deleted her number and never had it memorized, always on speed dial. She goes and sits out on her balcony, half waiting for L's head to pop out of the window so they can stare at the stars together, and when that doesn't happen, Light somehow becomes irrationally angry.

The dark skies multiply, rainy days become expected, seasons change and the changing colors of the leaves don't rival Light's soul. She feels nothing. She's never felt absolutely nothing before. She feels like a robot going through her days, a shadow of her past self. She can't feel it, but she doesn't know how to fix it.

Everything is just so awful. Light can't imagine anything she could do to fix it.

Light can't see how this is a life worth living.

She wants to write out a note, but no one would read it, anyway. They'd all just sneer at her tombstone, and her name would be changed to weakness.

Light lives because she has to. Light will live until she can't. The coldness grows until Light shivers every passing moment. She lays in bed alone, every night. She can't recall the warmth of the sun. And even when she goes outside, it never touches her. It's not for her, anymore.

---

Sitting by the only window in her classroom seemed like a good idea at the beginning of the year. Just so that when number's blurred and the teacher's tinny voice became too unbearable, she could look out across the vast courtyard and see something pleasing to the eye. Life was to short to only gaze upon things that ultimately meant nothing.

The only problem is, she never sees anything. It's like everything good has already left her. She's just lonely, gazing out upon a world that's not meant for her.

But, one day, she does end up seeing something different. Something magical, and awe-inspiring. While she was in one of her classes, blocking out her teacher's mindless drabble, she looked out of her classroom's window just out of habit. She saw the dark, fathomless sky that promised doom, and sudden a ray of sunlight broke out from the clouds before she once again looked away.

From the heavens, fell a sort of object. She was too far away to correctly see what it was, but it was small and black. It almost looked like a crow hurdling towards its death.

And she had the strongest urge to go and find it. She felt like it was hers. A gift from God, so she wouldn't feel so lonely anymore.

And she doesn't.

~Fin