(Teardrops) Like Diamonds on the Floor:
I manoeuvred the grocery bags in my arms as I turned the key to the loft and slid open the door as I tried not to drop anything on the ground, groaning around the handle of the plastic bag I had clenched in between teeth so that I could use both of my hands. I closed the door behind me as I shifted the bags in my arms to keep balanced and then dropped one of the canvas grocery bags on the ground so that I could take the handle out of my mouth.
"Honey, I'm home!" I called out teasingly with a grin as I lifted all of the bags back into my arms and I headed towards the kitchen to put away the food I had brought, "How was your day? Again, thank you for lending me your car, but did you end up fixing whatever it was that needed fixing on mine? I was supposed to drive Malia to get a makeover tomorrow. She decided she wanted a new look for senior year. Although, she's freaking out over whether or not she's actually going to be part of our graduating class. You remember I told you she had to go to summer school 'cause the principal said her test scores weren't good enough and she might have to repeat junior year?
"Well, she's completely stressed out over it, so I'm taking her to a day spa with Lyds. I'm a little concerned about them hanging out all day, what with them both liking Stiles. And yes, I know your opinion on the subject of Stiles." I said out loud with an eye roll as I went about shelving the groceries in the correct cabinets and I couldn't help the fond upturn of my lips as I continued my rant, "Malia has her share of 'Hale' qualities. She's volatile and stubborn as hell. And you've been on the receiving end of Lydia's viciousness. I for one do not want to be stuck in the middle of those two.
"Do you feel like anything specific for dinner? I was thinking about making that Thai stir-fry you liked, that sound good?" I asked him over my shoulder as I grabbed a handful of grapes from the fridge and popped one in my mouth as I closed the door behind me. I frowned to myself when there was no response from anywhere in the loft and I glanced at the digital clock on the microwave, reading the time in concern. "Derek? You here?"
I chewed on one of the grapes in my hand as I turned around to go find out where he was because I could hearing the familiar rhythm of his heartbeat coming from somewhere within the loft. I gasped out loud, my eyes widening in shock as my lips parted slightly when I caught sight of Derek standing in the entranceway to the kitchen with a blank expression on his face. "God! Derek! You scared the hell out of me!"
I studied his face for a moment with a perplexed frown on my lips as I took a step forward and I pursed my lips in concern as I tilted my head to the side, "You look really serious right now."
"You left your phone here." was the only response I received from him as he turned the device over in his hand and I followed the movement with my gaze as I raised my eyebrows questioningly.
"Okay. Sorry, did you try to contact me?"
"No. But someone called you, and I answered it. Hope you don't mind."
"Of course not. I don't keep secrets from you, Der." I stated nonchalantly with a shrug of my shoulders as a bright grin spread across my lips, thinking that it was the reason he was being so cagey and I started gathering the utensils I would need to make dinner. "Who called?"
"Carnegie Mellon University." He answered in a monotone voice as he crossed his arms over his chest with the same blank expression and I glanced over my shoulder at him with a small smile playing on my lips.
"Carnegie Mellon? That's a new one." I said airily as I turned back to assembling the vegetables I would need out of the refrigerator and I started humming to myself as I placed them all one the counter.
"You've been contacted by other colleges?" he asked in surprise as something I didn't recognise flashed through his eyes and my forehead furrowed but I just nodded my head at his question.
"Yeah, a few of them. Harvard. Columbia. Yale. Penn. Princeton. UCLA. Duke. A couple of others." I told him honestly with a modest shrug of my shoulders as I avoided his gaze and he made a noise of acknowledgement that sounded more like a growl as I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "I've been getting recruitment letters since I was a freshman. It's no big deal. A lot of colleges scout high school students with high IQ's. It's no big deal."
A heavy silence fell over the kitchen as I went about washing the vegetables under the sink and I could feel Derek's heated gaze on the side of my face, his stare searing my skin even from a distance.
"Listen, Soph, we need to talk." Derek stated solemnly as he pushed himself off of the doorway and I turned around to face him when he spoke those ominous words. A confused frown pulled at the corners of my lips when I saw the lethal combination of determination and devastation in his light green eyes.
There was a swooping sensation in the pit of my stomach.
The same feeling I got when saw Peter standing completely healed in the hospital hallway, the same feeling I got when I saw the kanima skittering across the roof moments before Lydia came running out, the same feeling I got when I first saw the Alpha pack symbol on the Hale House front door, the feeling I got when the Nogitsune planted a hidden spear on the track behind the school.
It was the feeling that indicated something bad was about to happen.
"No."
"Soph, - "
"No." I repeated vehemently with a shake of my head as I walked passed him without making eye contact and he sighed audibly as he followed me out into the main floor of the loft. "No. Nothing good ever comes from that combination of words."
"Stop." He said firmly as he reached out to grab my elbow, pulling me to a stop in the middle of the living room and I spun around to glare at him heatedly as he tugged me closer to him. "We need to talk."
"Stop saying that!" I snapped angrily as I jerked my arm out of his grip with a glare and I ran a frustrated hand through my hair as I turned away from him. I blew out a breath as the tears built in my eyes and I turned back around to face him with a look of fake cheerfulness on my features. "Now, I'm going to walk back out the front door, and when I come back in, I'm going to restart my rant, you're going to listen, and make fun of Stiles even though I know you secretly like him. And then, we're going to make dinner together and you're going to tell me about your day. You're going to bitch that I don't take proper care of my car, and I'm going to make a sarcastic comment about how I like seeing you bent over the engine covered in grease and sweat. We're going to talk, and joke, and tease each other, and argue over pointless topics because we're both that stubborn, and then we're going to curl up together on the couch watching a movie, happy and content and not wanting to be anywhere else in the world."
A single tear rolled down my cheek as I stared at him pleadingly, silently begging him to agree but he just shook his head sadly as his own eyes flooded with unshed tears and I knew from that alone, something was terribly wrong.
I gritted my teeth to stop from screaming in an attempt to release my pent up frustration and I curled my hands into fists at my sides as I took a small step closer to him with a pleading expression, "Whatever you're going to say, please don't say it."
"I feel like I have to." Derek replied softly in a saddened tone as he rested his hands on my waist and I shook my head like a stubborn child as I stepped backwards out of his reach, his electric touch only reminding me of what I risked losing.
I folded my arms over my stomach protectively as I stared over to the side of the room, tired from arguing before we actually argued but I knew that he wasn't going to stop until we'd had the conversation he wanted. I stumbled back a few steps until the back of my legs hit the side of the couch and I perched on the arm as I actively avoided glancing in his direction because I knew the sight of him would hurt.
"That phone call today, it reminded me of something I've always known but overlooked because – Well, because I love you. But the fact is, you're starting your senior year and then you're going to college."
"None of this is new information! You knew all of this when you met me!"
"I did. But I never expected us to have a friendship, let alone for us to fall in love." he protested firmly as he held up a hand to stop me from continuing my argument and I fell silent under his hard gaze as I slouched back on the arm of the couch. "And that's why, I think we should break up."
Derek's words rang through the empty loft, hanging untouched in air between us and my lips parted slightly in shock even though I knew something was going to happen, a sharp pain radiated in my chest where my heart was. I tried to say something, to argue, to protest, to demand an explanation, but no sound would come out of my mouth.
"I don't want to be the reason you don't have the college experience you want, that you deserve. I've already been there, and I've had those experiences. It's not fair you don't get the same. And I think, the only way you can have that, is if you do it alone." He concluded in a decisive tone of voice but there was a definite sadness behind every word he spoke and I could feel my heart breaking with every second he continued.
All the conversations about the future, about our future flooded to the forefront of my mind and my face twisted into a disbelieving scowl as anger displaced the sorrow his words had brought on.
"What. The. Hell. Are. You. Talking About?" I enunciated slowly with an underlying rage as I narrowed my eyes at him and my abrupt change in attitude made him frown in confusion as I shot up from the arm of the couch with fury dancing in my eyes. "What the hell are you talking about, Derek? We've talked about our future together. What about that? You're designing our dream house! We've talked about having children. And you think I don't know about the diamond engagement ring in your bedside drawer? We're supposed to have a life together!"
"And I'm trying to protect that life!" he shouted back at me with a thunderous expression as he took a step closer into my personal space and my breaths came out in short pants as I glared at him dubiously.
"How is, whatever this is – "I started incredulously as I waved a hand in between the small space between our bodies and he pursed his lips in annoyance as I glowered at him, " – meant to protect our life together?"
"Because I don't want you to end up resenting me! Or our life together!"
Derek's confession echoed through my mind as I stared at him in shock and he looked away from me with an almost embarrassed expression fleeting across his features. I released a breath I hadn't known I'd been holding as I slumped my shoulders in defeat and I tilted my head to the side with a slightly confused frown playing on the corner of my lips.
"Derek, I – "I started to say in a soft tone of voice, hoping to reassure him in some way but a voice in the back of my mind that sounded alarmingly like Peter kept whispering into my subconscious telling me he was correct in his assumption. 'Sometimes the people closest to you are the ones holding you back the most', Peter's declaration repeated over and over again in my mind like a broken record that I couldn't make stop.
"I think we have a choice. And I think we can take a tough but survivable amount of pain now. Stay in each other's lives, be there for each other, be friends, and maybe have the future we want. Or stay together and deal with unbearable pain later when it all comes crashing down around us. So, I vote for the pain now. I vote for the hope."
A soft whimper escaped my lips as I covered my mouth with both of my clasped together hands and tears streamed freely down my cheeks as I shook my head in denial. I didn't want to process what he was saying to me. I didn't want to contemplate the reality of what he was saying. There was a ringing sound in my ears as I fell back against the arm of the couch, suddenly exhausted from the conversation.
"I love you." I managed to choke out between sobs as I looked up at him through my tears and he smiled grimly as he nodded in understanding with unshed tears in his own eyes because he knew that it was my way of accepting the truth.
The truth of the situation hit me as I gasped in distress and I pressed my lips into a tight line as I tried my hardest not to burst into tears at the epiphany that had just crossed my mind.
"Hey, hey, hey. No, no. Please, don't." Derek whispered soothingly as he knelt down in front of me with a consoling expression and he cupped one of my cheeks as he slipped his other hand in between mine. "Please, don't cry."
"I– I've changed so much in the last few years. You've changed me so much. I was callous and mean, and bitchy. I was afraid to be vulnerable, to let anyone in. I'm not anymore, and that's partly because of you. And I don't want to go back to the person I was before." I admitted in a whisper as I squeezed his hands tightly, trying to communicate the seriousness of the situation and realisation dawned on him as his expression softened into one of understanding.
"I get it, Soph. I do. I don't want to go back to being the guy I was before I met you. And I'm not going to. That guy didn't deserve someone like you. And I want to be someone who deserves you."
"What are you talking about? You're everything to me." I told him honestly in a soft voice as I leaned forward to lean my forehead against his while my eyes locked on his light green ones. "You are brave, and intelligent, and loyal, and courageous, and perfectly imperfect, okay? Whenever Lydia and I discussed our perfect man, I inadvertently described you. I wanted someone who would always surprise me, challenge me. Someone who would help me face my fears, who'd make me brave in my own right. We would watch movies together on the couch during lazy days. We would arguing and fight and tease each other, but at the end of the day we'd love each other unconditionally. And he'd shut me up with kisses when I was arguing for no reason. Someone who would put me first, because they loved me that much."
"It's a powerful thing when someone sees you as the person you wish you were." Derek whispered in a broken voice as he closed his eyes with an almost content smile faintly on his lips and I sniffled gently with tears running down my cheeks as I collapsed forward until my head was resting on his shoulder.
My arms wrapped around his shoulders as I sobbed into the crook of his neck, releasing all of my pent up pain and he cradled the back of my head, twisting his fingers through my brunette hair. He whispered soothing nonsense in an attempt to calm me down but he knew that this was what I needed, he knew that he was one of the only people I'd let myself break down around and once this night was over I would close myself off emotionally so that I wouldn't have to deal with it.
So many thoughts raced through my head: How can one guy cause me so much misery and bliss? How could I ever tell him all I need to say? Did he know how much I loved him? Would we stay friends? Would we under up having the life we spoke about in hushed whispers when we laid in bed late at night? Did I really think I could stay this happy? Did I deserve to after everything I've done?
I hated the hallow feeling in the pit of my stomach, there was an emptiness I hadn't experienced since Aiden and Allison died. I sniffled gently as I slowly pulled back out of the embrace and Derek's hand loosened its hold on my hair as he leaned back to cup my tearstained cheeks.
"You must really love someone when you can't hate them for breaking your heart." I told him teasingly with a watery smile but the joke fell flat as his expression immediately transformed into a mixture of guilt and anguish. "Hey, hey, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I know, okay? I know why."
"I hate seeing you hurt, and I never wanted to be the one to hurt you." Derek declared solemnly with a gentle shake of his heart as he rubbed his thumbs over my cheekbones and I tried to smile reassuringly as I nodded in understanding.
"I know."
"I love you so much."
"I know that too." I said honestly with a brighter smile as I placed my hands on either side of his face and I leaned forward so that our foreheads were touching as we just stared into each other eyes.
For someone so guarded with their feelings, Derek's eyes seemed to show so much of what he refused to say out loud and I felt privileged that I was the only one he couldn't hide from, the only exception to the rule. There was something so intimate about being able to read someone just by looking into their eyes. Because intimacy wasn't just a physical act, it was the ability to connect with someone so deeply that we could see into their soul.
A gentle laugh escaped my lips as I moved my hands down to rest on either side of Derek's neck, my thumbs drifting over the stubble on his jawline and he leaned into my touch with his eyes fluttering closed so that I couldn't see his light green eyes anymore.
"God, I just – " Derek started to say with a low growl in his tone but then he cut himself off when he suddenly pushed himself up higher in on his knees and connected our lips in a passionate kiss. I made a muffled sound of surprise but almost immediately returned to the steady pressure as I gripped his shoulders to keep myself balanced on the edge of the arm of the couch. My fingers dug into his back, wrinkling his shirt in the process as I opened my mouth to deepen the kiss and our tongues tangled in a sensual dance that we'd perfected over the course of our relationship. I could feel his hands gently angling my head in order to give him better leverage and I easily complied because I was too lost in my desire to play the game of control that we sometimes teased each other with.
We were both panting when we broke apart too catch our breath, my lungs burning from lack of oxygen but I couldn't bring myself to care. Derek quickly attached his lips to the underside of my jaw, suckling the sensitive skin almost teasingly as he weaved one of his hands into my brunette tresses and I let out a breathy moan of pleasure as my head fell to the side to give him better access. His blunt teeth grazed the tender area, sending a wave of lust through my veins and I immediately grasped his face in between my hands as I crashed lips against his own.
One of my legs instinctively wrapped around his torso as his fingers dug deep into the flesh of my exposed thigh and my stomach tightened in anticipation as he slowly stood up from his knelt position on the floor in front of me without breaking our kiss.
Derek gently bit my lower lip in between his teeth as he pulled back from the embrace and I was breathless as I slowly blinked out of my lust fuelled daze to look up at him in confusion. The expression on his face was hard for me to read as he studied my face with an intensity that slightly worried me and he carefully brushed a wayward strand of hair out of my eyes, tucking it behind my ear deliberately.
"You're beautiful." He whispered in an awed filled voice as he meet my questioning gaze and a small smile spread across my lips as he leaned forward to press a lingering kiss to my forehead. I leaned into his touch as he moved to brush his lips across my left cheek before doing the same to the opposite side and I crinkled my nose jokingly when he dropped a small kiss onto the tip of my nose.
I laughed a little at the smirk playing on his lips as I ran my hands over the planes of his stomach and I felt his muscle twitch even through the material of his shirt as I loved the power my innocent touch had over him.
Looking into Derek's eyes, I suddenly found myself eternally grateful for all of the darkness, the heartache and the betrayal I'd experienced because it allowed me to recognise true love when I found it. And I knew without a doubt that all of the broken, shattered, forgotten pieces of my soul were worth putting back together again because in their wake I found a renewed appreciation for love.
A content smile spread across my lips as I slowly stood up from the arm of the chair and the corners of Derek's lips turned down in a frown but I ignored his questioning look as I rose up on my toes to place a tender kiss on his lips. I dropped back down to the floor with a soft smile as he ran his hands down my arms to my elbows and I took a deep breath as I reached for the hem of my shirt before slowly pulling it off over my head. The abrupt change in temperate caused goosebumps to erupt over my exposed skin as I dropped the material onto the floor at my feet and his suddenly darkened gaze travelled along the curves of my lace covered breasts. His heated gaze sent a spark of eagerness through me as my fingers found the edge of his shirt and the back of my fingers grazed against his stomach as I slowly removed the material without breaking eye contact.
The moonlight broke through the wall of glass windows, illuminating his handsome features and we were close enough that I could feel the heat radiating off of his body. There was something different in the air between us, a newly established intensity. There was a finality to the moment passing between us.
"This is it, huh?" I murmured quietly as I traced my hands down his bare chest, trying to memorise the feel of his skin under my touch and he hummed in acknowledgement to my query as his hands glided down the side of my tone stomach.
"For now." He responded in the same wistful tone with a hint of promise as he rubbed his thumb over my hipbone and I sucked in a shuddering breath at the pleasant sensation as I wrapped my arms around his neck.
Maybe we didn't get a 'Happily Ever After', because life wasn't some make believe fairy tale. It was hard, and it was tough, and we had to work for every scrap of happiness you could find. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I wanted it to be real.
Maybe all we got was a brief 'The End'. Every fibre in my body screamed at me that it wasn't enough, that after everything Derek and I had been through, we deserved more than something so impersonal. It might've looked like the end of our story but sometimes two people needed to fall apart in order to realise how much they needed to fall back together.
Maybe all Derek and I got for the moment was a 'To Be Continued'.