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Joy makes me tea when we get inside. I sit down on the couch curled up in a blanket as I sip the tea slowly. Joy is still processing my confession but she keeps looking at me before she finally asks.
"Who's the father? Does he know?" She asked which I don't respond to. "Do you know?" She adds.
I don't respond as my thoughts go towards Ken.
"Rilla if you were assaulted," she starts hesitantly. I can see her mind work as she tries to picture a horror story.
"No," I shake my head. "It wasn't like that, I was a party. We were drunk. It just happened. I've tried to tell him, but he hasn't gotten back to me. I know who he is, but he doesn't live around here." I let it pour out.
"No one can know who he is until he knows," I stress.
"Rilla if you're protecting him if he asked you to protect him." Joy says carefully obviously trying to make sense of my situation.
"It's not like that!" I exclaimed. "I made a stupid mistake, I was angry, I was drinking at a bonfire, he was drinking. We danced, made out enough that I went back to his tent. We went our separate ways, end of the story."
"Rilla just how often do you go out drinking?" Joy suddenly was peaked with interest in my statement. I shrug in response.
"Are these the people who call you Marnie?" She asks me.
"It's a better nickname than Rilla." I shrug once more. Wrapping myself up further in the old quilt that Joy had on the couch.
Drinking our tea slowly, she slowly drags more answers from me. How far along was I? Have I been to a doctor? When I told her the truth she shook her head and told me that she wasn't letting me hide this any longer.
We sit in silence until we hear the keys in the lock of the door. Matt who has known me for years nodded to me and gave Joy a quick questioning look at my bloodshot eyes. "Sorry I'm late, she was being difficult." He speaks quietly when the boys are out of earshot.
"It's all right, you can tell me about it later," Joy frowned. "Will you be all right for dinner by yourself? I need to run Rilla home and get her to talk to mom and dad about something?" Joy told him and I tried not to pay attention to them.
"Of course," Matt reassured her. "Everything all right?"
"It will be, I'll explain later when I get home," Joy told him and went to go say hello and goodbye to the twins in their room. Letting them know she will be back in a little bit and would come to check on them if they were already in bed. They were sweet boys, little terrors at times being eight years old now, but sweet.
Matt looks at me.
"The last time I saw you this upset was, well it was after you were told the going ballet school wasn't feasible."
I find myself snorting. "I'm sure they wish they sent me after this," I say sarcastically.
"It can't be that bad," Matt tries to reassure me.
"I committed the number one sin of the household," I say deadpanned as Joy came back out with her coat on.
"Come on," She told me with a look as she kissed her husband and promised to explain when she got home.
"I don't think I can do this," I say in the car.
"You need to tell them Rilla, you need to go to the doctors."Joy tells me as we get back into her car. "I know it frightening, I know it's scary for you. If you told me, you can tell them."
"How would you know what this is like?" I ask her.
"Hey, I know you think I am perfect but I have had my moments." Joys gave me a no-nonsense look. "I had a few scares in my life. Maybe not at sixteen, but I had more than one to make me realize that I didn't want kids until I was ready. The boys I love of course, but even they haven't made me want one of my own just yet."
I merely shrug in indifference to her.
"This didn't happen on your first time did it?" Joy asks me.
"God no, why does everyone assume that?" I express with a whine.
"Hit a nerve have I?" Joy cocks an eyebrow before looking back at the road.
"He said the same thing, we knew each other, he isn't some stranger. It's complicated, but I had to tell him I wasn't some virgin who wasn't going to cry rape. I remember wanting it." I tell her. Trying my best to keep my secret about Ken at the same time.
"Well, thank goodness for that," Joy says sarcastically. "I can revel in the fact that you lost your virginity sober?"
"I was very much sober," I tell her curtly, annoyed at this conversation. "It wasn't even anything spectacular. He still smiled like hockey practice, it was rather gross and uneventful, then he was like. 'Shouldn't it have hurt you a bit?' And I was like 'like dude, I do the splits stretching every day this isn't the 19th century." I roll my eyes at the memory.
"That doesn't sound very nice of him," Joy says. "Don't get me wrong sex is never like the movies, but Rilla it can be meaningful and that just sounds…" she said
"Sad?" I offer with a shrug.
"You telling them when we get you home." Joy tells me, not giving me no for an answer. "I can't let you hide this from them and no butts about it. I will stay with you while you do it. But it's coming out tonight."
"They'll be angry," I object.
"Well, they can't say much," Joy said reminding me. "They will ask you what your plans are, have you ever thought of it?"
"I don't even know what I want to do after high school, considering they don't even consider dance a valid career choice. How am I supposed to know what to do with this?"
"Well you technically have three options," Joy told me. "No one will judge for choosing the easy way out," she told me carefully.
I would be lying if the 'Big A' hasn't run across my mind, but yet every time I tried to say it out loud or approach the subject. To try and tell my parents who could help me. I clammed up, I couldn't do it. Not without him knowing, what he if was against it?
Which was silly to think why would he care? He didn't even care enough to reply. Still, I had to be approaching the deadline to think of such things. Thinking about
"I can't," I say shaking her head.
The dining room was completely silent as I sat in the chair looking down at my hands. My pregnancy test in the baggie on the table. It was the only way I could manage to tell them, my mother took it first and look at it passed it to my father. It was complete utter silence as they sat down. Resting their heads in their hands as if they didn't want to believe what just unfolded in front of them. It was like they were in shock, in disbelief that they hadn't seen what was right in front of their faces.
I glanced behind them where Joy stood in the doorway.
"How far?" My father finally asks. I give him a confused look, though the reality I wasn't even sure. "How many weeks? Months? Do you have an idea of when it happened?"
"Ohh, Ummm" I stumble over my words. I pull out my phone to check the date. "October 4th," I mumbled under my breath as I count backwards to August 11th. "8 weeks?" I answer still unsure of my answer.
"And your last period," Dad is in full doctor mode apparently.
"Late July, early August?" I hesitate before answering.
"Ten weeks," he says under his breath like it all clicking together in his head. My body changes, the constant fatigue. I look towards mom who is still pale as a sheet of paper.
"I'm sorry—," My voice is small.
"The father?" My father speaks up once more.
"It's complicated?" I tell them. Letting them think about what they want for the moment.
"Complicated how?" My father asked. "Complicated you don't know who? Complicated he's not sure if he wants to be part of this? Or complicated that someone took?" he couldn't even finish his thought. As a doctor he was used to asking difficult questions, seeing difficult situations. Still, he never wanted to think such a thing would and could happen to his daughters.
"It's just complicated all right, but this happened out of my own fault. I wanted it, I went with him, there was never a time I told him no." I stress that nothing happened violent happened to me.
"I'll book you an appointment at the office." my father says as he stands up leaving the room without saying another word to me. I look towards my mother who was still silent and staring at me.
"Mom?" I speak hesitantly. Trying to keep to onset tears at bay. She wants to say how disappointed she is, how stupid I've been. She can't. Not with Joy in the room, because that would be hypocritical. Joy knew she hadn't been planned, but they always made sure she knew was loved.
"What done is done," My mother says shaking her head. The same words that Aunt Marilla had spoken to her when she finally admitted her own pregnancy. "I thought if we raised you better, kept open communication. Make sure that you knew that unsafe sex is not advisable until you are ready for the consequences. That you know and trust the person you are with."
"We were safe!" I try to defend myself, tears still threatening in my anger. "Something must have happened?" I have a hazy memory of him rifling through the bags, before grinning when he found down at me. "We were at a party—," I stop myself.
"You were drunk," My mother states like she should have known at the start of this conversation. "Was he? Do you know for sure? Do you even know who the father is?"
"Yes, I am sure, and yes I know who he is," I snap at her questions. "My God, you make me sound like some slut. Of course, I know who the father is. It was an accident, we never meant for this to happen."
"Does he know?" My mother looked me in the eye. "Do you have any way to even tell him?"
"Not yet, I've been trying, he's hard to get in touch with. He goes to school in another district," I lie again.
How many lies have a told since this all begin?
"I'm gonna get going home, I'll be over this weekend," Joy speaks up to mom. "Text me later," She says more to me than mom. Which I know Mom doesn't appreciate, but Joy always knows my deepest darkest secrets.
My resolve finally cracks under the pressure as Joy leaves. Tears poured down my face as I rock in my chair.
"What I am going to do?" I whimper, wrapping my hands around my still flat stomach. I watch my mother finally crack as she slides from her seat and walks around the table to set next to me.
"Only you can answer that question?" She said like it was a question and not an actual answer.
They leave me alone for the rest of the night, still clearly shocked by the news. I could hear them talking to themselves in disbelief of the situation. Unsure of what to do or say, should they wait until after Thanksgiving to break the news to the family. Dad was kept muttering about the effectiveness, or the potential of false positive. Then he would mutter that it was all right in front of him this entire time.
Shirley came home bewildered about what was exactly going on.
"Should I ask why there is a positive pregnancy test on the dining room table?" He asks from my doorway. "I mean it can't be Moms, she got her tubes tied after having you."
"I don't know you're supposed to be one of the smart ones?" I retort bitterly as wipe the tear from my face.
Shirley stands there rather stunned for a moment. "Well, I guess that answered my question of if I should tell mom and dad that I think you're becoming bulimic. Who is the father? I know you're not dating that Fred kid anymore thank god because he was a douche. I also doubt that any of those ballet boys would be straight enough for this to happen?"
"There are plenty of straight ballet dancers," I glare at him. "It doesn't matter who the father is."
"Pretty sure that it does," He said with a shake of his head. "I mean it can't be that bad? Granted your track record isn't the greatest."
"Well, you should be happy that you have a girlfriend at all," I throw back at him. " Really what does whats her face even see in you?"
"I'm kind, caring, tall, dark hair, I have a job and apparently good at wooing?" Shirley grinned at me. "Look, I know I'm not Walter, but I if you need someone to talk to? I mean I can even beat someone up for you, that's something Walter would never do. Jem maybe he's a bit hot-headed at times."
"Shirley," I say out loud and he stops his rambling.
"I really just want to be alone right now," I tell him quietly.
"Move over," he said not heading my words. "I won't have Walter telling me I wasn't doing my job as your older brother if I didn't at least let you cry on me once." He said. "Just no boogers please."
I sigh and move over. He settles beside me and I let him hug me. He knows he's only Walter's replacement, but it's comforting all the same. I'm not even sure how Walter would or will react. Given just who the father is after all.
I was still in bed when Dad knocked on my door. Standing there awkwardly as a father did when they found out their daughter was having sex with boys. Add to the fast fact that she got herself pregnant from it.
Shirley had left over an hour ago. With the words, 'If it came down to it, I'd rather you be pregnant them bulimic.' As if it was some sort of contest to him.
I stood awkwardly in front of him, waiting for him to say something.
"You're mother and I don't think less of you for this happening," he states. He holds out a bottle to me, I almost wonder where he got it, but I heard him leave and come back.
"You look like you do." I retort as I look at the bottle.
"Well, your news brought back some very frightening moments for us," He said clearing his throat.
"Better to take them while you decide what to do," he told me. "Once a day, they can be heavy on the stomach so eat a meal beforehand." He said clearing his throat before he stood there awkwardly once more. "You weren't at a sleepover that night," he said. "That morning Ken found you walking home?"
It was like in his mind that all possibilities of Ken being there that morning were nothing more than coincidence. Part of me is terrified that he might put to and to together. To look back and take note of our body language that morning. To see Ken's guilty eyes and my attitude towards him.
"We were out of the lighthouse, Ellie's uncle has a beach house near there," I tell him quietly.
"How often?" Dad asks me.
"How often?" I asked back confused about what he wanted to know. How often I drank and partied? How often I had sex?
"The parties, the drinking, should I be worried about drugs as well now?" He asked.
"A few parties, a few drinks, the occasional hit from a joint," I say quietly as I sit on my bed.
"God damn it Rilla," He cracks as his hand runs through his hair. He's trying to understand, trying to piece this puzzle of pieces of my changing behaviour from the past year. "You severely abused our trust in you. We thought your dropping grades were just merely not being interested in school."
"They are! I hate school the only thing I wanted to do was cruelly ripped away from me," I explode. "You tell us to chase our dreams but if that dream isn't academic enough you shoot it down."
"Whatever choice you make, I can only hope you grow from it," he said stepping back from my outburst. "Take the vitamins," he said before he turned around.
It's a rather hard thing to write, trying to achieve this balance of disappointment, anger and frustration.
How I see Anne and Gilbert's reactions, just because they had a kid at 18-20 doesn't mean they would be gung-ho about Rilla having one at 16. They'll support her, but it is frustrating that they wanted more for their children and now their youngest apparently headed nothing of their warning. Then again Rilla wouldn't have been raised in the environment of struggling young parents. She's never known that life, most of her older siblings might have known.
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