Early November

I walk into the familiar building, I wave shyly to the desk attendant who waves back at me as I make my way to the sunroom. I had gotten a message from Aunt Marilla the night before asking me to come for tea after I finished my dance class that morning. Which was also code for come have tea and pierce a quilt with a bunch of old ladies. Something I used to do a fair bit before the last year. I feel rather guilty about how many I had skipped since I decided to hang out with Rena or Ellie. Hoping that maybe if I acted out, or sought out attention that my parents would reconsider ballet school. It didn't work, all it did was get me pregnant.

"Rilla!" I hear Mrs. Lynde called out. She was Aunt Marilla's best friend. "Why look at you, a sight for sore eyes."

"Hi, Mrs. Lynde," I say quietly. "How are you?"

"Oh I'm still kicking around the gossip of this place, how is school? Marilla was overjoyed that you decided to come today. We have a new project starting today."

"Oh," I managed to say as I spot Aunt Marilla, who is more like a grandmother than an Aunt. I never understood why she refused the term though.

"Rilla, you are here," she said with a smile. "Come take off the sweater you'll be sweltering in no time."

"I'm okay," I replied shaking my head. I follow her to her chair and she points to beside her. She hands me a needle and spool of thread. I fish out the little sewing skit that I use on my pointe shoes for my snips.

I've done this for so long that it comes naturally to me. Small even stitches, I always prided myself in my stitching. My pointe shoes were always so exact, while some girls sewed ribbons on with dental floss. I used heavy upholstery thread, making sure my stitches were sturdy and lasting yet pretty to look at. I strived to have pretty shoes up close and from afar.

"So what grade are you in now Rilla?" Mrs. Allan asked I look up for a brief moment.

"Grade 11," I tell her.

"Are you going to be Clara again in the nutcracker?" Another one asks. "You are always as wonderful as Clara.

"No, I am a little too old for Clara this year," I say quietly.

"Graduating to the sugar plum fairy, are we? You must be so excited!"

"I won't be in this year's showcase at all this year," I tell her honestly looking down at my work.

"Rilla isn't dancing full time this year," I heard Aunt Marilla tell them. "She takes after her mother in more ways than her looks." Her smile was playful as she looked at me from the corner of her eyes.

"Right, you said," Another older lady nodded suddenly realizing what she had missed out on hearing.

"Your mother was an absolute terror when Marilla took her in at times. Always going on, running off," Mrs. Lynde told me breaking the ice. "Really if this the one you do that has you walking in her shoes, well praise be! It's one that didn't leave her almost drowning or what was the other one Marilla?"

"Oh, that girl dyed her hair green, had a tea party the resulted in four intoxicated girls by mistake. Anise flavoured cakes and broken ankles. Then there was the time she broke porcelain plaque over Gilbert's head. It was the first day of summer camp where they were both working as cabin junior counsellors."

"Mom did all that?" I looked at the two older ladies who chuckled.

"Your mother tried every nerve, the day she finally admitted she was pregnant. I wasn't even mad," Aunt Marilla smiled knowingly at me.

"She barely talks to me," I admit quietly. "When she does it's just her going off once again at me for something. Usually at my reluctance to tell her who is the father."

"Well, thankfully I knew right away who's Joy's father was," Marilla nodded her head. "But really, people think all we old folk has never seen a teenage pregnancy. They've been around since the dawn of time."

"It was consensual?" Another lady asked. "Wasn't it just a few years ago when Loretta Young's children opened up about their mother and Clark Gable that cad of a man. What did they call it again."

"They call it date rape," Aunt Marilla says authoritatively.

"Right, of course. Gosh to think they have names for those instances finally. I wonder how many girls fell victim to such things back in the day and never said a thing. That's not your case is it not?" Mrs. Barry said.

"Oh, No!" I hurriedly say. "It was just a stupid night with a bunch of drunken stupidity on my part, and his I suppose." I blush.

"Yet you won't give him a name? Is he older?"

"I promise, it was all consensual and legal I am sixteen after all," I stress to them. I see Aunt Marilla give me a look. I bow my head looking down at my work and continue to my long stretch of short stitches.

"Well, you will have to let us know when you have a baby shower, you will need all the help you can get," Rachel spoke up.

"I don't think I'll be having one," I tell them honestly.

"Oh piss-posh of course you will," Aunt Marilla told me. "Even your mother had one."

"She did?" I look up my eyes wide as I was shocked because I was fairly certain she said she never had one.

"Of course she did, we didn't tell her about it of course. It was a surprise after all, but she had one. She and your father needed all the help they could get." Aunt Marilla told me. I was beginning to think she may just call up mom and give her an earful about her reaction to my pregnancy.

"Your mother is much too proud to admit how much help she had during those days," Aunt Marilla said quietly. "Plus it gives us old ladies something to do and plan, we do enjoy a good party."

"Well, you can talk to mum about it," I tell her quietly.

"You'll manage Rilla just as your mother and father did." Aunt Marilla says quietly. "It's not the end of the world even if they think it is."

"I'm glad you came today,"

"I'm glad I came," I say quietly. "It's nice to get out of the house."

"Did I ever tell you that you are my favourite sudo-grandchild?" Aunt Marilla tells me as we pack up sewing kits.

"I thought that was nonnegotiable since I am your name's sake," I say with a smile.

"Are you going to Joys?" She asked me.

I nod my head. "She's going to drive me back later tonight."

"Very good," she said nodding her head. "You best leave before it gets too dark," she said looking at her watch. "It was good to see you."

"Thank you," I say quietly nodding my head as I give her a small hug.

The walk to Joys wasn't long, but the weather was chilly as I tugged my hat further to cover my ears. Headphone in my ears as I go over mental dance steps, as I do small footwork every once in a while as I walk.

I wait for the comm to ring Joy's phone as I bounce on her heels.

"Hello?"

"It's me," I tell her and hear the door automatically buzz open for me.

Joy is waiting for me at the door.

"How was the quilting bee?" She asked hugging me.

"We gossiped, we sewed, I found out mom was a terror and had a baby shower for you," I said as I slip inside and kick off my shoes. I peel off my layers until I was just wearing my yoga leggings and tunic.

"Shouldn't you be at least almost showing at this point?" She asked looking me over. I look down over my body.

"There's a slight curve," I object. "I'm only sixteen weeks," I tell like it makes any difference to her.

"Come on, Matt had dinner waiting for us, I'm going to use the bathroom." She told me as she went down the hallway.

"Rilla," Matt says looking up from his cutting board. "Nice to see you,"

"You as well," I say quietly as he hands me a bowl of some sort of salad and dressing on it. I know him enough to trust him to not try and feed me anything he knows I wouldn't like. He offers me a bag of shredded cheese and I nod my head as he sprinkles some on for me.

"There a perfectly balanced salad for you," he said.

Joy and I go take our plates to the kitchen table.

"Why is this so good?" I ask as much about my salad, the taste of the mixture like fireworks in my mind.

"You're the only person I know that gets excited about salad." Joy teases me as she shakes her head.

I shrug and munch loudly to annoy her on purpose. "I can't help it if even blob likes it," I tell her.

"Or you just like eating cheese again?" Joy said with a knowing smile as she takes a bit of her salad that had chicken in it as well.

"I need some protein and fats," I shrug. "Matt says it's a perfectly balanced salad for me."

"Matthias also likes Brussel sprouts," Joy responded calling Matt by his full name and I make a face as well. "In my book, that means he can't be trusted."

"You know there are shredded Brussel sprouts in the salad," Matthias says coming up behind the sofa. I can hear his smirk as he says it.

He already helped me learn some new stretches when I mentioned tight muscles, from not dancing as much as I used to. He works in the fitness department at the local college, with a degree in kinesiology part-time while managing a small gym.

I had been out with Joy when I complaining about the size of my new leotard when he met us for lunch one day. I didn't want the ballerina who looked like an elephant in it. While I was no means fat, I was never lanky like the rest of my siblings. As often enough I had referred to as ropy poly as a child by my siblings.

With my parent's permission and with Joy accompanying us much to her own dislike. I began child-friendly yoga classes and eventually they even took me running. It felt like he understands my need to have control over my body. Trying to teach me how to be healthy but not obsessive at the same time. Every other weekend, when they didn't have the boys. To this day he still ran with me in the park on weekends in the morning.

"Darling, don't ruin a good thing for you," Joy warns him before she lets out a laugh and pokes me with her foot. "How are you doing?"

"All right," I say shrugging my shoulders. "Life goes on, I'm officially out of the first trimester. Still pretty easy to hide from everyone. Not that I have many friends, to begin with?"

"What happened to the girls you used to hang out with in elementary school, or from ballet?" Joy frowns. She didn't like hearing that I had no friends.

"The girls at ballet go to school all over, as for Alice and Emily. Emily moved last Christmas to Ontario. While Alice transferred over to French immersion because her parents thought it was better for her."

"You never said anything," Joy frowned.

I merely shrug. "Tis life?"

"You must talk to some classmates?" Joy asked me concerned about my lack of friends.

"There's a new girl, we eat lunch together sometimes, her name's Olivia," I tell her to settle her nerves. " We don't really have time to hang out. Though I doubt I would be able to go anywhere or do anything so what's the point of having friends?"

"So you can have someone to talk to? Eventually, mom and dad will ease up. They'll see that there is no reason to stop you from going out with a friend or having someone over. You can only hide this baby for so long, at some point, the school will know. It might be good for someone to know before that happens who will have your back?" Joy explains as she sets down her plate.

"It doesn't feel like it. Even spending the afternoon and the quilting circle with Aunt Marilla was pulling teeth with her." I say quietly as I lay my head on her shoulder. "Do you still have the coconut ice cream?"

I feel Joy's laughter rumble in her chest before I hear. "Of course." She said. "You're brave," she told me quietly.

"No, just stupid," I correct her as I lay my hand over my stomach. It's strange to feel how different the hardness feels, but also how pronounced it gets after I eat a meal or as I throughout the day.

"Can I?" Joy asked watching me. I nod my head slowly.

"It's mostly a food baby right now." I try to explain it to her. She doesn't care though, to her it's the baby. "I can't feel anything yet either," I tell her before she can ask.

Joy looks at me a look crosses her face and it worries for a moment. She sobers as she pulls her hand away and I'm silently waiting for whatever she has planned to say to be said. I watch her get up and walk to the kitchen. Opening the freezer as she looked at the ice cream while Matt gave her a quick kiss before he joined sat down in the chair near us in the living room.

"Rilla," She starts. "I know you choose this, we just want you to know that if you ever. If you ever decide that you don't think you can manage, or realize that you're out of your depth." Joy stops for a moment. Gathering her words in her head, I know exactly where this going and my stomach flips as I stare down at the ice cream that is slowly melting.

"If you change your mind, Matt and I can take the child for you," she finishes. "It can be an open adoption, there doesn't have to be any secrets." She stresses.

My heart sinks, even Joy thinks I can't do this? That I wouldn't be able to be a good mother. She was supposed to be on my side and yet here she was proposing an arrangement that I never said I wanted.

I get up, placing the ice cream on the coffee table.

"I wanna go home," I tell her quietly.

"Rilla," Joy tries to stop me.

"No, I want to go home," I shake my head I grab my sweater and my jacket and my bag searching for my bus pass in my bag.

"Rilla, I'm just trying to give you an option," Joy tried once more.

"Did mom and dad put you up to this?" I ask bitterly as I try to keep myself from crying as I shove my feet in my shoes.

"Of course not!" Joy exclaimed. "Rilla please I didn't mean to upset you."

"Well, you did," I say pointedly while sniffling.

"At least let us drive you back home," Joy sighs. "If not myself, at least let Matt?" She says tells me.

"I'll take the bus," I tell her with a shake of my head. I pull on my toque and don't look back as I shut the door. I check my phone, I had 20 minutes to get to the main bus station that would bring me home. It was a ten-minute walk from Joy's place, I grasp my bag under my arm and walk quickly trying to avoid the ice on the sidewalk.

I get there with a few minutes to spare as I take a few calming breaths as check my cell phone.

Joy- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.

Dad- Joy says you walked out and are catching the bus home?

I got back to my home screen and hit messenger, scrolling down until I see it. I will myself not to cry in public.

I see the bus pull into the terminal and I make my way to the line up of people. I tap my card and find myself a seat as I wipe my eyes of stray tears. I far people look at me, so I pull up my hood to hide my face.

On the bus, I'll be home soon. I reply to my father to let him know.

Dad-Is everything all right?

I rather not talk about it. I type back and hit send and shut off my phone letting my music calm my nerves.

The song Clarity comes into play as look out the window as we drive down out of the city. People come and go from the bus at various stops and I finally pull the wire to alert the driver to stop at the next stop.

I got off by the back door and saw my father waiting for me at the stop.

"You didn't need to wait for me," I say quietly.

"You seemed upset," He said after a moment. "It's not often you and Joy fight," Dad said taking my dance bag from my shoulder.

"I rather not talk about it," I tell him as I wrap my arms myself as we walk.

"How are you doing otherwise then?" He asks me. I shrug in response, he knows all about the appointment already. "Look if you don't talk about things, we can't help you. You aren't making it exactly easy for your mother and me. All were trying to do is help you and you just sit there like you not even listening to us. If you need someone to talk to, we can work that out for you if you having troubling processing things." He tells me.

"Then maybe don't act like I know nothing when I do speak up, or try to make all the decisions for me," I look up at him. "I don't bother telling you what I want because I constantly get told that I don't know what I need or want. Maybe I don't, but how else am I going to learn and figure this out?"

I hear him sigh. He knows I am right, that he and his mother have been making all the decisions thinking it was best.

"Joy told me if I changed my mind before," I motion to myself. "That she and Matt would step up, that I can still be part of their life but as their aunt," I explain.

"That's very kind of them," My dads says quietly. "But it was another person to you that thinks you are in over your head?"

"She was supposed to be on my side," I say bitterly.

"She is Rilla, she just sees another side to the story," My father reminds me as he opens the side door of the house for me. "Your mother and I will try and be conscious of letting you make your own decisions."

I nod my head and step through the doorway and take off my shoes. Mom looks up at me from her spot at the kitchen table. I can see my father shake his head to keep her from saying something to me.

Instead, she pushes me a piece of cake my way that she must have gotten from the bakery earlier today.

"How was Aunt Marilla?" She asks me.

I sit down, picking up the fork I nibble on the cake. Already mentally adding up the calories in my head to write in my journal when I got to my room. "She sends her love," I say deciding that even the small sliver of the cake was too much for me when I half-finished it. I pushed it back towards her. "I'm full," I tell her lying, but I know I had a banana floating around somewhere in my dance bag I could eat alone in my room.

I don't wait for a response as I rush out of the kitchen, ignoring the pointed gaze that was settled on my stomach.

I had fun with this one, and I do enjoy Joy and Gilbert in this chapter.

As always I'm always open to your comments.

Tina