With a show of great strength, the Great and Powerful Lord Voldemort resisted the urge to incinerate the letter lying innocently on his desk. Slowly he reached out, picked it up, and tore it open. Quick, like a bandaid.
He is the Dark Lord, and would not be seen throwing a tantrum. Even if the only one there to see was his familiar, Nagini. Especially because of it. She'd never let him live it down.
And so, he kept his anger in check as he read.
'Dear Bestest Bud Tommy,
Honestly, after years of our beautiful friendship, I am truly hurt that you would try to lie to me. Did you forget that I met your diary? Or were you never aware of that in the first place?
Tsk, Tsk, I hope you look into what your followers were up to in your absence. Children do tend to misbehave when they think Daddy's not around to punish them. Princess Lucy in particular was quite the over achiever.
Anywho, Little Tommy was the one to tell me the story behind the title. Looking back on it, it's kind of adorable how proud of himself he was. I almost regret having to kill him. All in self defense you understand.
Besides, I doubt you'd really want two of you walking around anyway. The brat was planning to take your place. Can you believe that? I guess this means you owe me for dealing with him.
Maybe send more cookies? Someone seems to have done unspeakable atrocities to the previous batch, and I strongly suggest you look into the matter.
They're trying to ruin your reputation of making the world's greatest cookies! Anyone else surely would have fallen for the deception. But don't worry, as your Bestest Bud in the Whole Wide World, I know better. Even if you did lie to me not that long ago I still have faith in you.
I hope you catch the heathen attempting to tarnish your good name.
With all my love
Your Best Friend, Harry Potter'
Lucius Malfoy was never heard from again.
AN: I had an absolute blast writing this and if anyone has suggestions I might write more.