February 2018
28 Weeks.
It was Friday evening when Mom decided it was time to start getting things for the nursery which brought us to BabiesRUS for the first time of my pregnancy. Just the same, Aunt Marilla had been hounding my mother to get me to build a registry. A call to Joy to see if she wanted to join us made it official, we were shopping after I finished work at 1pm. Mom picked me up afterwards, I had dressed in my pair of jeans and a polka dot top that seemed to emphasize the bump more than ever, or maybe it was just rounder than the day before? We met Joy at the store who was already setting up the registry in my name. The customer service girl smiled as she passed me the scanner and explained what to do. "Congratulations," she finishes off with.
I smile weakly. "Thanks," I tell her and with that Joy brings me over to the aisle of clothing to get started. It was rather fun, picking out things, Joy was into everything and scanning anything cute. For someone who was adamant about not having children, she sure did like planning for them.
"Will the two of you please pay attention for two minutes?" Mom speaks to us as we giggle over toys and little cat-eared hats.
"She would be adorable in this," Joy says before turning to mom. "Wouldn't she?" She held up a teddy bear snowsuit. "Seriously why didn't I have cute baby clothes like this?"
"Because it was the 80's and nothing was cute about the '80s?" Mom replied to her. Which was partly true, even the dress mom got married in at eighteen was something else. Mrs. Lynde had made it since maternity wedding dresses weren't a thing. It had puffed sleeves that matched Princess Diana, in an off-white colour. There was a photo of them dressed up at the courthouse, that hung up on the wall. While their actual wedding photos a year later were blown up and hung in the living room. "Plus, a lot of things were gifted to us. But you had some pretty dresses for Christmas and Easters, Matthew would buy the most impractical things and just dress you up in them."
"Uncle Matthew was awesome like that," Joy said smiling. "I miss him, bless his soul."
"Oh he loved you dearly, he would have loved all of you dearly," Mom said out loud. "But on to the list, we need a crib and bassinet," she says looking at her phone and motions for her to follow us.
"What's the difference, why both?" I ask confused.
"Well, babies are too small to sleep in their cribs right away, so a bassinet is a good alternative for a few months," Mom explains, shaking her head realizing I probably knew less than what she even thought I knew.
"Okay, what about that one?" I point to the one on sale that had a floral pattern and two dangly flowers for the baby to try and play with. There were also some rather lace concoctions that screamed the victorian era and a few simple Moses baskets. I scanned the one I like the most that had a pink lining and mattress cover in it.
"Perfect and now what crib do you like?" Mom asked as we approached the area of display cribs. I look at her because the majority of them look much the same.
"What does convertible mean?" I ask her.
"They are supposed to convert to toddler beds and later be able to be used at the foot and headboards as the child grow. It's just a bunch of BS and a way to get you to spend more money later on. Of course, if you like one, a crib is a crib just don't count on using it later," Mom explains.
I nod my head mom would know about baby things, she had seven of us after all. "Did you get new cribs with each of us?"
"Oh goodness no, Jem and Walter used the same one, when we found out we were having twins, well we needed double of everything so we got another one. Which later you and Shirley used," She told me as I look around, quietly running my hand on some of them. I end up on a soft light grey crib. It was simple and while not the cheapest it wasn't the most expensive either. It also seemed to match my own bed in a way of colour.
"I like this one?" I say unsure of what she would say about it. Was it too expensive?
Mom looked towards me and looked over the crib I picked out. She nods her head as she assesses and looks at the price tag. "299, not bad," she said as she snaps a photo of the tags on her phone and looks around for an employee but see no one. "There is a matching dresser and changing table as well," she tells me pointing to them.
"Here," I look through my purse for the gift cards I got from family over Christmas. Cousin Dora and Davy had sent me them for Christmas. Davy and Dora were Uncle Matthew's children, they live in various parts of Canada. Cousin Dora and her family lived out in Winnipeg, while Uncle Davy worked up in Northwest Territories so we didn't see them much. Of course, Uncle Matthew had died before I was born so I had never met him, but mom and they have always kept in touch.
"Save them Rilla, your father and I already have talked it over and moved around some things." She tells me with a shake of her head. " Actually Dad and I were thinking about moving you into the twin's room," Mom adds at the last minute.
"But I like my room?" I say frowning.
Mom raises an eyebrow but decided it's not worth it. "It will be tight and have to be rearranged," she warns me.
I shrug as I look at the matching little dresser that also doubled as a changing area. "Maybe we can move my desk into the spare room for now and I can study in there when I need to study? I don't want to take Nan and Di's room from them, even if they are halfway moved out at this point. I'm sure Shirley will move into Walter's old room at some point, not wanting to be around the baby?" I tell her.
"I suppose that is true," Mom said nodding her head. "So you like this one?" She asked going back to the crib.
I nod my head. "It matches my room," I say simply. I wasn't overly picky, I also never even imagined I would be picking out baby things at this point in my life. I looked over to Joy who was just watching intently as I made my choices.
"Well, pick up out some bedding for the registry than with Joy," she tells me and Joy grins and holds up her scanner. We find the bedding and I scan things at random. I wasn't fussy, but I couldn't help be in awe over the ballerina mice that danced around the sheets.
"So how is the third trimester?" Joy asks me as we scan things.
"So far the same as the second," I tell her. "I'm just bigger and peeing more."
"What do you think about this?" She holds up a package of moons and stars fitted sheet. I nod my head, looking to see if they had a matching blanket.
"Joy, there are no actual blankets, it's all just fitted sheets?" I look to Joy and look around the shelves for blankets.
"That's because babies don't need blankets, they sleep in sacks and warm clothing. Blankets can actually suffocate infants if they can't roll away to breathe," Mom tells me as she comes up behind us. "Have you read any of the books I got you?"
"Just the ones on pregnancy and I usually I reach the part about mucous plugs, before wanting to throw up," I tell her honestly. I avoid most chapters that pertain to anything about labour.
"Well, next time think before going to a party and getting drunk and maybe you wouldn't have to be reading about such things," Mom reminds me.
"Mom," Joy says quietly.
"It's fine, it's not like she's not wrong," I say quietly. Not wanting to start anything in the middle of a store.
"Oh, Mattress protectors are a must of course," Mom went on. "Oh your brothers were always the worst, I think it was Jem, who always managed to take off his diaper at night. I went from having this sweet little angel of a sleeper," Mom says look at Joy with something of maternal look in her eyes. "To this little boy who rather plays with his own poop than sleep for us."
I look at her crinkling my nose as run my hands over my bump, suddenly very happy that she was a girl.
"Walter thought was very much a quiet observer of a baby, the twins well I don't actually remember much from the sleep deprivation we had. But as long as they were together they were fine. Of course, Grandma Blythe stayed with us when they were born. Shirley tried to eat everything he could get his hands on," Mom went on.
"And Me?" I ask her curiously.
"You were my best sleeper, by the time you were two weeks old you were sleeping through most of the night. However you rolled around like you were on a mission, you were also the fastest walker." Mom told me. "Why do you think you were in dance, you wouldn't stop moving around?"
I nod my head frown. I miss dance, I still work a few evenings and Saturday mornings but it's not quite the same. Tessa was kinda about my limitations about taking an easy, but I missed dance, I missed dancing and that feeling it gave me.
"We'll bring up the old rocking chair for you, dad plans on refinishing it for you when spring comes," Mom adds on bringing me from my thoughts as she hails down and employee's and tells them she would like to order the pieces as Joy and I finish up with the registry.
I feel guilty as I see the total, shyly standing next to my sister trying to hide from the view of the cashier who was looking me over. I know they make good money, or at least Dad makes good money, but the total made me almost jump. This was just for our place as well Ken would need his own things maybe not as much but she would need somewhere to sleep and sit.
"The baby shower things, I can share those with Ken right?" I ask her. "It would help him out too?"
"I thought he had a job interview?" Mom asked me.
"He did, but he hasn't said much about it," I tell her truthfully to which she frown outs.
"You'll have more stuff than what you know to do with, so probably a good idea if that's what you wish to do," Mom tells me. "Though she'll be mostly with you though," she reminds me.
I know they have contacted a lawyer to help figure out custody that Owen is pushing for Ken. I don't know exactly what everything means but it seems fair to me so far.
"I know, I just think it would be nice to share things," I tell her.
Joy squeezes my hand. "Come on let's head over to Chapters and get some Starbucks and browse? Plus we can do some more shopping or window shopping at the mall? We can get some lunch while we're there?" I look to mom for permission.
"I have to run to the hospital to drop something off to your father, so if you want to stay with Joy you can," she tells me.
"I think Olivia was supposed to be in town, do you mind if I ask if she's still here?" I look to Joy, wondering if she would mind I found my friend.
"Sure, I have yet to meet her," Joy tells me nodding her head and I grab my phone from my purse. I send off a quick text to Olivia and look back to Joy.
"She'll meet us at Chapters," I tell Joy who nods her head.
I see Olivia waiting for us as we walk into the store. I walk quickly towards her as she hugs me hello.
"You know you do a fair job at school hiding that bump of yours," she tells me shaking her head as she rubs it through my sweater, as I left my jack in the car.
"Well, I try not to bring attention to it especially at school," I remind her. "Olivia, this is Joy, Joy Olivia," I introduce them.
"So you are the lady keeping this one sane," Joy says with a smile. "Thank you, for you being around for Rilla."
"It's nothing truly," Olivia said blushing. "So what are we looking for here?"
"Starbucks I think," I tell her with a small yawn. "I need my daily dose of caffeine that I am allowed to have before I can manage more shopping, Aunt Marilla made mom take me to BabiesRus for the gift registry, you are coming to that right?"
"I wouldn't miss it for the world you know that," Olivia grins at me. "Mom and I have already been shopping for it as well," she teases me as we get in line at the Starbucks within the Chapters and Order our drinks. Joy ends up paying for all of us which Olivia tries to object to.
"I don't know how you even like coffee at sixteen," Joy shakes her head. "It took me ages to find a way to like it."
"Because we have Starbucks to show us the way of the dark side?" I say with a small giggle while looking at Olivia who was already drinking her latte. My own small iced coffee was being sipped slowly as I ignored a look from an older lady.
We were browsing back towards the coffee shop as Olivia excused herself to go to the washroom, half-hour later as we held our items we mean to purchase. Suddenly I turned towards the bookcase, hearing a voice above it on the other side, one that I instantly recognized.
"Why am I here? Why are you here?" I hear him say.
"Really, why am I here? Because apparently coming here is the only way to get ahold of you," A girl's voice suddenly comes into play as she responds. "Look I know we came back from the trip and decided to just let things be, but really you couldn't even tell me that you moved to the place I thought you hated? You always complained about how boring it was with Walter and now you suddenly living here. No word or explanation just pouf you're gone? I went through three people just to figure out where you were!"
Is this Maggie? Why was she here? Joy looks at me as I hide behind the bookcase.
"Maggie, I did message and call you before Christmas when I got back to Toronto, but you didn't call me back for what five days? And by then you were in Banff and were too busy to even video chat with me, I asked and you told me you didn't have time," Ken rebuttals.
"Well, I'm here now, so what's going on, why move out here?" She asks him.
"Well, for one it's complicated, extremely complicated," I hear Ken retort
"I doubt that, you always make everything sound complicated when it's not," she laughs as she knows him better than I do and the reality is, that she does. "All I know is my contact at the ROM called me asking why you blew them off and I couldn't even explain it because I had no idea! I found out in two minutes you turned down your dream job, packed your bags and moved to the East Coast boonies? You were practically were hired at the Rom, all you need was that interview and you blew it off for what? You made me look like a fool when you didn't show up! Now, what are you working in your cousin's photography studio?"
"Maybe I had a change of heart, and I love photography," he tells her back.
"That's a load of bullshit Ken I know you, you were dying for that job. You wanted that job so much that you didn't care about anyone or anything else." Maggie said her voice rising.
Joy looks at me.
"We need to leave," she tells me trying to drag me away.
"I can't leave now," I hiss at her.
"Oh, you want to tell him you eavesdropped on his private conversations?' Joy hisses back. "That will go over well."
I glare at her unsure of what to do as look up towards the ceiling.
"I found out I'm going to be a father Maggie, A father! I'm sorry if my life took an unexpected turn that you don't approve of. While we're on the subject of it, why did you delete that message on my phone that night?"
"I did no such thing?" I hear her say indignantly.
"Really? I remember you taking selfies, I have them on my phone from that night it says on her phone that she messages. The message isn't anywhere and it all points to you,"
He was getting angry now
"If it was that important she would have just message you again," Maggie snaps back.
"You made her think for months that I didn't care, you made her feel like I rejected her in the worst possible way," I hear him tell her. Olivia who had gone to the bathroom had come back to where we were waiting for her, confused about why Joy and I were fighting.
"Hey I think Ken is—," Olivia says out loud and I shush her by waving my hands at her.
Joy grabs me, "We're going," she tells us with another hiss and drags me away. Olivia following us to another section of the store. She forces me to look at more books and toys suitable for newborns. We were heading to checkout as Olivia had to meet her mother when we ran into Ken in the baby section looking at things.
"Rilla, Joy, Olivia," He said looking up in shock he said as he was holding a stuffed bunny in his hand. "I didn't know you were shopping today,"
"Just hanging out," Joy tells him with a smile. "We were doing some nursery and gift registry shopping," she said told him. "You can join us if you want, the two of you can buy some clothes. You know, so the rest of us can finally give you some presents," Joy told him while teasing both of us in wanting to buy her first outfit together.
Ken looks at me and I wave my hand saying it didn't matter to me, but he looks nervously around.
"I heard," I tell him not wanting to have him suffer. "Kinda hard not too," I say motioning to the store, "but if you worried about her running into us. It's fine, we'll shop on our own," I tell him. I can see him be somewhat relieved that I knew that Maggie showed up, but at the same time even more worried and it's not like Charlottetown had another mall to go hide at.
"No no, we should get some things at some point," he said shaking his head, holding up the bunny with a pink bow around her neck. "They say it's safe for newborns," he says.
"It's adorable," I tell him with a smile as I rest my hands onto my bump.
"Mom is here," Olivia breaks into the conversation. "I'll see you at school, nice meeting you Joy, Ken nice to see you again," Olivia tells us before dashing off with a final hug for me
Ken looks back at me as we get into line to pay for our purchases separately and go into the mall. We end up shopping through various stores, looking at various little pieces of clothing. In the end, we found a dress that we both liked. A tiny thing that was white eyelet with tiny little flutters and tucks on it. I'm sure it would only last a few hours but it was too cute to pass up, while we picked up some more pastel floral sleepers for her that had little butterflies and birds on them.
Joy hangs back as she looks around the baby clothes with interest I hadn't seen before sighing to herself. We end up in the food court as I sit down and drink a smoothie, going over what we bought. Joy had left us at this point needing to get home, and Ken offered to drive me back to Glen.
I see Ken stiffen as spots someone, for the first time I get a look at who I only know from photos, that is Maggie. She had dark hair and a body that I could never achieve, she catches my gaze and I find myself looking away embarrassed. I mean at least I wasn't in my school uniform. At least I could potentially look older than I am.
I ended up back at Ken's as he offered to drive me home. Dad had an emergency and mom had texted saying that Aunt Diana had called with some sort of theatre tickets. I called her to let her know that we found Ken at the mall and was going to have dinner with him since I hadn't seen him since last weekend.
"So she just showed up?" I ask took a bite of my salad that I picked up when he grabbed a couple of slices of pizza.
"Yeah, she wanted explanations, which is fine. She deserves them. I never meant to ghost her. She kept asking what was going on, and why I was here. So said I had some things come up that changed everything for me." Ken said in-between a bite of his pizza. "That I was sorry for the miscommunication there was between us, but it's not like she has been calling or texting me either. " He stopped and exhaled chewing on his pizza.
"Finally I just told her I was about to be a father," Ken said looking at me and I blushed looking away.
"I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but we just sort were there?" I tell him and he nods his head. "So she deleted it?"
"It's fine, neither of us knew we would both be there. But yeah, the day you messaged me, I was with her. I must have fallen asleep or gone for a shower or something and left my phone. I guess she somehow knew my passcode, saw your message me while taking selfies and just decided to delete it. She didn't even put together your last name with Walters, of course, I didn't say it was you. She doesn't need to know that" Ken sighed.
"Well, she probably knows now if she friends with Walter on anything." I tell him, "It's not something we can hide it forever." I remind him as I nibble on my slice of pizza
"I was thinking of making a formal announcement to my friends who don't know yet? On Facebook and Instagram sort of thing? I know you haven't said anything, but would be all right if I did?"
"She's your daughter too, I never posted or post about it, because it was easier to ignore it if people didn't know. All my ballet friends I made over the years from summer intensives, they know something is up since I just dropped off the face of the earth when I began showing. Maybe just for both of our sakes right now, leave me out of it?"
I watch Ken nod his head. "Of course, I would never say it was you if you wanted to remain in the background. If Maggie says anything on Facebook and Instagram, I'll unfriend or block her. I don't think she will say anything but I don't want to chance it when it comes to you." I nod my head as a thank you. Ken got up, setting his plate with dinner on the coffee table.
"Ice cream?" He asks me as he walked to the freezer. "I have strawberry?" He says opening the freezer. "I have some pickles if that is needed?"
I make a face, really does he think that all pregnant women have strange cravings? "Ice cream sure, pickles no thank you." I tell him, "Just a bit though, ice cream never sits well with me." I tell him.
Ken nods his head and goes on to scooping out ice cream. It was still very much a much larger portion I would have allowed myself, but considering mine was half the size of his. Clearly, he knew nothing about portion sizing.
"Oh, umm," I start off. "I know they aren't really guy things, but you are more than welcome to come to the baby shower. I was thinking since I'm sure whoever Aunt Marilla is inviting will stock us up on things, that we can open things together and we can split up some of the things?" I explain to him.
"If you want me there, I'll be there," he says, looking over to a pile of Amazon boxes stacked up. "Mom has been buying things and sending them to me pretty much every day of the week."
"We got the crib today, and a bassinet," I tell him. "I don't know if I got to tell you either, but I passed math," I tell him licking ice cream off my spoon. "Probably would have failed without your help, so thank you," I say softly.
"It was nothing," He responds still rather quiet like most of the night. I don't think I've seen him in such a way. Ken works on something on his phone before he turned the phone towards me.
"So how did the interview go?" I ask him cautiously, and he frowns as he stabs the ice cream he was eating. I want to ask about whatever the Rom was, but decided against it for now."What happened?"
"Nothing," he said sighing. "It's just complicated, most museums do background checks and the Charlottetown museum is part of children's programs." He told me truthfully.
"So what wrong? You have a criminal background I don't know about?" I joke which doesn't go over as I hoped it would.
"Of course not," Ken says rather hotly before sighing. "It's just difficult as I am looking for benefits, hours and time off when she arrives. At the end of the day it's not great in the middle of an interview when you go from talking about child protection laws to admitting the mother of your expectant child is still trying to finish high school," he says.
"Can you not just, well, not tell them?" I frown, I can feel her move around as the cool ice cream disturbs her nap it seems as she goes into a frenzy of movements.
"Sure, but at some point, it's going to come out Rilla, I rather be upfront than have someone see us together at a park or hide you from my workplace. That only makes things look worse at the end of the day." He explains as he shoves a large spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.
"I'm sorry," I say quietly as I bite my bottom lip and I stir mine a bit more until it's soft and I eat a small spoonful.
"It's not your fault," Ken says automatically. "At the end of the day it happened and we both agree that despite being drunk, it was consensual?" I nod my head to him in agreement. "It's a no-win situation. If I don't tell them it looks like I'm hiding it, if I tell them, well I'm opening up for them to not feeling comfortable with me being part of their team." He eats another spoonful of ice cream, a bit more slowly this time, though I noticed his bowl was almost already finished.
"I don't know, maybe I was foolish to think people would understand or not care. Because they do, and at least right now they care, which isn't making finding a job easy. At least in my field of preference but I'll work anywhere at this point." Ken says looking up at the ceiling as if he was seeing all of his own dreams escape from reality. He looks back over to me and I scoot closer and take his one hand.
"Sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I let her remind me at the end of the day that the main thing she needs is love," I tell him as she kicks and moves about the inside of me. Of course, we both know that love doesn't buy diapers or clothing, love doesn't really buy anything, but right now it's all we really had to our names.
It was later when I got home and I showered and curled up in bed when I checked my phone.. Springing to life I saw my ultrasound photo.
So This Happened! Baby Girl, Due May 2018
Under the photo was dozens of:
Get out of here!
Dude!
What is going on Kenneth!
What!
I sigh and look at the little blob that was no a blob anymore, it was a fully formed baby, that was our child and closed the app. I run my hands down over my stomach, as tried to ignore the uncomfortable ache in my back and all the never-ending problems that came from this pregnancy.
I open the open once more and saw that he had replied to a few of them with a simple, 'I know it's unreal!'
Then I saw another comment. 'I didn't know that Maggie was pregnant!' I wait a moment to see if he would reply.
'She's not, I'll call tomorrow and explain Brad, just was heading off to bed!' He wrote back.
For the first time, I took a deep breath and made a choice for myself. I starred at the mirror selfie, a selfie that displayed my bump in a striped red and white shirt that wasn't maternity, but stretchy enough to still fit.
I didn't know how to tell everyone, but this is why I've been quiet. Little Dancer is due springtime.
I take a deep breath and hit the post button on my Instagram and then I wait.