March
32 Weeks
The sunroom of the seniors' community centre that was often books for parties and function was covered into baby-themed decorations. All in pastels, but also a lot of pinks, because my baby was a girl after all. I was dressed in a pale green lace maternity dress that had a classic boat neck with three-quarter length sleeves with a flowing skirt that hit my knees. There was even a large cake that said Welcome Little One covered in pink buttercream roses, as Ken and I had yet to decide on a name. Though at the moment our only contender might be Ivy, but even that I wasn't entirely sure about yet. Ivy Blythe? Was it too planty?
On other tables, there were platters of mini sandwiches, cut-up vegetables with dip and hummus, fruit and other sweets. There was a large punch bowl of Aunt Marilla's Raspberry Cordial with bottles of soda water to mix in if you wished, another punch bowl of peach punch as well.
I knew more people than I realized as sat and looked around the room. Mom, Joy, Aunt Marilla were there of course. The twin wanted to come, but they were coming for Easter in a few short weeks and had too much school work to worry about. Auntie Diana and cousin Cordy( short for Cordelia, a never-ending joke between mom and Auntie Diana for some reason) had come as well, bring old school friends of moms Ruby and Jane, Josie.
Mrs. Lynde was bustling about making sure that everyone knew to write down their guesses to when the baby would arrive. While Aunt Marilla was carefully watching the food and drinks, and making sure that I had everything I needed as I sat in the rocking chair of honour, the one my father had sanded and stained a plank of dark glossy cherry wood. He may not be able to build a crib, but he could sand and paint easily it seemed.
Olivia was sitting near, telling me she would help keep track of various gifts on a list. Her mother was chatting with my Aunt Diana and Cordie. Even Wynnie came, telling Aunt Marilla to make her useful, who in turn patted her head and told her to go enjoy the festivities.
The biggest surprise was Leslie arriving, I hadn't been expecting, nor did Ken warn me ahead of time.
I hug her awkwardly as she kisses my cheek.
"I didn't—Ken didn't?" I stutter, and she laughs her delightful laugh.
"It was meant for a surprise, I hear he expect in a little bit?" She asks and I nod my head. He will miss all the games and show up so we could unwrap things together. "May I?" She asked motioning to my stomach. I nod my head, at least she asked and not just assumed it was open for anyone to touch. "Seeing it in photos or on a call, it's not quite the same," she said as she felt her granddaughter give a good kick.
"Is?" I look around trying to figure out if Owen had come as well.
"He's not one for showers, I believe he and your father are hashing out final details about things," Leslie says quietly. "Then maybe it will lay it to rest," she said in such a way as if she was also ready for the whole custody, visitation arrangements to be done and over with. Of course, Ken and I get the final say in things, but it seems that our father's things were too young to understand everything so far.
I smile weakly and nod my head. I spent the first half of the shower mostly greeting people who I knew by extension of my parents and Aunt Marilla. When everyone settles down and account for it was time for food and games. Silly games like trying to guess who big my stomach was with a piece of yarn, a memory game of what is in the baby basket. Baby Bingo, and name that nursery rhyme.
We were eating cake when I saw Ken poke his head around the corner of the hall. I beckon him over.
"Since circumstances are less the ordinary Ken is going to help open your generous gifts," I tell everyone who looks him over with interest as he makes quick work of entering the room. Stopping to say hello to our mothers before sitting down in a chair that Olivia brought for him, along with a piece of cake.
I want to say it was fun opening presents but in reality, it's exhausting and makes my hormones run amok with each little dress I unwrap. Of course, there is plenty of practical things, diapers, wipes, baby baths, sleepers and footed leggings. Little golden books that are childhood classics like Goodnight Moon and Goodnight Little Bear. Small plushies and building blocks, musical toys of all sorts. Ken and I take turns as Wynnie to take photos of us.
Olivia passes me the next gift box.
"To Rilla, Love Aunt Marilla and ladies of the quilting club," I read out loud. I open the top and push aside the tissue baby. "You didn't!" I gasp.
I see Aunt Marilla look at her friend Rachel and chuckle. "Of course we did, we know you're picky about things we thought if you could start it would a safe way to make you something you would like. All you kids have your quilt, this little one needs her as well." She said matter of factly.
I hold it up carefully, all the pinks, greens floral fabrics staring up at me, in the pattern that she and I made up that had a small stitched heart in the centre of each block. They even trimmed it was a touch of lace around the border that was a wide large ruffle.
"It's perfect," tears came pouring out down my face as I pass it to Ken to look at as I stand and waddle skip over to hug her and Rachel.
The last few presents were larger and mostly from family. Joy and Matt had teamed up with the rest of my siblings and had bought me a stroller that had multiple functions. While Mom and Dad had bought the car seat that I knew Dad had been making lists for. A good car seat is an investment. A good car seat saved lives and if it could grow with the baby it was even better in his books. They had even bought a second base for it thinking ahead for Ken's car. That way there would be no switching around.
Olivia's gift had come at last( I think she did on purpose) as I open the small flat box. Inside was a handmade mobile, each dangly string had a small felt character on it. It took me a moment to realize it was all Lord of the Rings theme. It had Arwen, Eowyn, Frodo, Gandalf, Aragorn and Legolas. I couldn't help but not cry once more.
By the end of it all, I was overwhelmed with the sheer amount of things, and it was like people got wise and bought doubles knowing Ken may need something as well.
"Who made the cake?" Ken asked eating his third piece at some point.
"Aunt Marilla," I told him, sometimes I wonder how he manages to stay lean. Then again men always have it easy. "I need to go a walk," I say with a sigh. "I sat way too long today."
"I'll go with you," Ken pipes up as I sigh. "Or you want to be alone?"
"For someone who lived to be on stage, I don't always like being the centre of attention," I tell him. He nods his head, I know after the whole Starbuck thing, he's extra cautious, but really I can walk around the block alone! He thankfully lets me go and I grab my shoes and jacket and head out the side door.
"I can't imagine what Anne is going through right now," I hear before I turn the corner of the small patio outside of the centre. That voice was rather sympathetic, but also not at the same time?
"I would have kicked Lucy's ass if she had ever pulled such a stunt," Another stated, Lucy? Was that mom's old arch-rival Josie, the one who wasn't even invited but came along with Jane and Ruby?
"It's a difficult situation for the family, you didn't expect them to kick the poor girl out did you?" Another says maybe someone didn't think I was a total mess up. "Though I'm more surprise that the father is sticking around or they allow them to even see each other."
"Family friend or not, I would be suspicious. Yet they are allowed apparently run around together, I'm sorry but I wouldn't have let my daughter hang out with a college graduate, baby daddy or not." The snotty one added on to it.
I sigh and turn around, this whole day had been a lie and exactly how I expected.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Joy says stepping into my pathway.
"Nothing," I say faking a smile. "Just stretching my legs out a bit," I say.
Joy gives me a once over, but from what I gather decides not to push me for information. We don't see each other as often these days, but Joy is older and has a life of her own. Plus with Ken around and not working really for two months, we hung a lot. We load up everything into the car, or multiple cars as there was more than I ever considered from the shower. The doubles that we had Ken took one-off, and the rest would be sorted later this week.
I had the house to myself, my parents went out to dinner with Ken's parents and Shirley was off at Wynnie, or working one of those things.
I settled down in the basement, ready to do some yoga. Ready to just stretch out my body and give my feet some much-needed exercise from tension bands. Of course, it calls to me, and for once I let it take over me. It's been so long, one song wouldn't hurt if I swayed to the music or spun around. It wasn't like I was en pointe, or doing anything technical. A few piqués turns never hurt anyone after all.
"You shouldn't be doing that," I hear behind me.
"I'm fine," I turn around to face Ken, seriously I do wonder why my mother gave him a key to the house sometimes. "I'm hardly doing anything strenuous, I'm just having a bit of fun if I'm allowed to do a bit of yoga. I can spin around and move to some music. "
"Yet you have strict orders to not," he replies. "I'm sure your father would agree,"
"I'm not in the mood for this," I warn him.
"I don't care if you're not in the mood for this, you are clearly ignoring everything the doctor tells you. You fight her on what you weigh, what you eat and how much of it. You're doing things that you shouldn't be. She told you to give dance a break because she knows if she gives you an inch you will take a mile."
"You don't get to tell me what to do," I spit at him.
"You're carrying my child, though sometimes I wonder why the hell you are if you when you disregard everything the doctor says!" Ken says back to me, his voice rising slightly.
"Oh so the truth finally comes out, you wish I would have gotten rid of her? That's all I am to you, just a nuisance in your life?" I snap at him as I walk away from him.
"I won't lie, it would have been a hell of a lot better homecoming without that news being broken to me as it was! Is that what you want to hear? But go ahead, make me the bad guy because I'm just trying to be an adult about this? Keeping a baby doesn't make you an adult Rilla, clearly, you have yet to learn that!" Ken says as he rubs his temples as if he has a headache. My nose scrunches up in anger, but I don't get a chance to make any rebuttal.
"Actully, sometimes I wonder if you what you really want when I find you like this. Do you regret your decision? I mean it would have made it easier for both of our lives 100 times over if you just went to Halifax. Or maybe it's good because it's not like an abortion would ever have made you confront the fact you have some sort of eating disorder. You can lie all you want to everyone else, but I call bullshit on it all. You barely eat unless someone is watching you. You never finish anything unless it's a salad or piece of fruit. You write everything down and figure out how much you have to work out to burn extra calories. So don't tell me you don't have a problem."
"Get out! I hate that you're always around, that I never get a moment's peace. You hover and I hate it! I didn't ask you to do anything of this, I never wanted any of this!" At this point of wipe tears from my face. "Get out!" I scream at him.
"With pleasure, and don't worry I'll leave you alone. I got the message loud and clear." Ken told me before leaving me alone. I sink down into one of the old bean bags and refusing to cry as I wipe my face with whatever I could find. I could feel my stomach tighten painfully as I force myself to breathe. It takes a few good moments, and as I sit I can already feel my body protest at the amount of exercise I put myself through.
I pull myself upwards, deciding a bath would be just the thing. I am not even really allowed a hot bath these days, but it was hot enough to at least to the edge off and relax my body when I finally sank into it.
My body was foreign to me at this point, it was everything I never thought it could be. Stretch marks and veins covered my breasts, and while my stomach had managed to escape the angry red lines, they were appearing on the edges of my hips, edging more and more towards the side of my stomach, despite the amount of lotion and oil I rub into my skin.
My belly button was sticking out at this point which was strange enough to see one morning. I splash the warm water with my hand. I lifted my one leg, definitely had lost tone and muscle and my feet weren't covered with pieces of tape or looking bruised and battered from spending too many hours into pointe shoes. I ran a wash washcloth over my calf and knee, I couldn't see them( my stomach blocking it from sight) but I could feel them, the tiny scars that scattered across the inside of my thighs. Something else my parents don't know about, because who's going to be focused on the inside of my thighs? Even my doctor never mentioned then the times I had been in for pelvic exams.
It's been months, maybe almost a year since I had done it, a tiny cut a reminder that the perfect body didn't have thighs that rubbed together. The more it rubbed, the more it hurt, the more pain the harder I tried. Of course, they were hidden by my uniform skirts and tights, sometimes two pairs of tights if it had been bleeding, or made use of bandaids when necessary. It had been Fred who notice them first as we fooled around, to which I clammed up and said I nicked myself with the razor. I don't think he bought it, but he didn't really care at the end of the day. He wasn't going to jeopardize the chance of sex, be making me explain myself.
I receive a sharp kick, that sends me thoughts back to Ken. I don't even know what he had come over for, it not like we had anything planned. My next appointment is tomorrow after all which I groan at, I really didn't want to see his face.
I managed to pull myself out of the tub and towel myself dry before tip-toeing across the hall in my towel I threw on my nightgown and laid down on my bed.
"I DO love you," I say out loud, almost as if I was trying to prove a point to someone who was not here. "I loved you for many weeks and months now."
I received a series of small movements and kicks. I turn over onto my side facing my wall, hugging my large body pillow that made it easier and more comfortable.
I pretended to be asleep as I heard my parents and who were the Fords as well, most likely a bottle of wine will be opened. Mom and Leslie checked in on me at some point, whispering to each other.
"Everything all right?" Dad looks at me as he drives me to school, mom had gone in early today so she could drive me to my appointment as Ken was at work and it made no sense for him to drive all the way back. "You are quiet?"
"I'm fine, tired didn't sleep well," I say with a shrug looking out my window. He nods his head and looks back at the road.
"Well, have a good day, come to say hi if you want after your appointment," he tells me.
I force myself to smile and nod my head as I slid as gracefully I can out of the car. "Sure,"
"I love you Rilla," he says reminding me.
"I love you too Dad," I reply as I head into the building. I sat down in class when I hear my phone ring out, the teacher looks at me pointedly.
"It's my doctor, I'm sorry," I say before leaving the classroom not caring if I had permission.
"Miss Blythe, it's Doctor Burnley's office. We were wondering if you might be able to come in an hour earlier, Doctor Burnley has had an emergency, but our nurse practitioner is in and we can fit you in for your appointment with her.
"Of course, I'll let my ride know," I tell them and hung up. I sent a text to my mom, explaining that my appointment was changed as she promised to drive me today.
Granted it was a fairly simple appointment I was in and out within twenty minutes. I almost hoped he wouldn't be early, but when I came out I saw him waiting. Looking extremely pissed off, mom raises her eyebrows and looks at me and I withdraw looking like a guilty child.
"You didn't tell him?" She realizes.
"You don't get to do this," he blurts out. "You don't get to kick me out of things because you're mad," he clarifies.
"Then stop trying to control my life," I snap at him.
"Hey!" mom shouts at us. "I don't know what happened between the two of you, but it stops right now. Rilla you are plain awful for not telling him about the change," Mom chastises me. "Whatever you fought about, you need to figure things out now and not later. You either learn how to fight now and do it fairly so that daughter of yours doesn't grow up hearing it every other weekend."
We both look at her ashamed, she opened her wallet and passes Ken a fifty-dollar bill. "Get dinner, talk it out like the parents you are about to be." She tells us before walking away from us.
We stare at each other for a good moment, before we walked to Ken's car. I buckle myself in quietly. He drives in silence gripping the steering wheel as he tries to find words. "Do I at least get to hear about the appointment? Did she ask where I was?"
I shrug. "I said you were working," I tell him making him wait for it.
Ken just gives me a pointed look, before looking back at the road. "I officially gained twenty-eight pounds," I tell him. It took me thirty-two weeks to gain twenty-eight pounds and stay at it.
"I'm sure the doctor did a happy dance," he says sarcastically. "I mean I would have known that if you didn't lie to me. Anything else I miss?"
"If you're going to act like that, I won't tell you anything." I snap at him as I see him grip the wheel.
"What do you want for dinner?" He asks changing the subject. "And don't say you're not hungry, or salad." He warns me without a beat.
"Food?" I answer him stubbornly and I hear him growl under his breath. He doesn't bother asking again as he decides us. In the end, he pulls up to the one popular pizza place that Charlottetown has that wasn't a chain. We don't eat out together often, or ever really. Not since the day, Joy ran into us when he first found out. We were shown a table and given menus and left to sit in silence. It was quiet, but then again it was Monday night, but I could see feel people watch us as we barely said a word to each other.
I nibble at my slice of pizza. Unsure of what to say or do really, it was a stony silence that the waitress gave me a look of sympathy asking if I needed anything. I just shook her head.
By the time we get back, our parents are waiting for us on the porch looking not too happy over things.
"Pack a bag," Mom tells me.
"What?" I ask confused.
"We all talked after this little stunt you pulled today. We concluded that you clearly need to grow up a bit more. You weren't fair to Ken and your father and I were apparently were too lenient in our acceptance." Mom tells me.
"So what I'm being kicked out?" My mouth drops in terror.
"Of course not, but you are spending two weeks at Ken's, until your next appointment, so he can't miss it. You'll be in charge of your own finances I know it payday this Friday so you'll have that. You and Ken are on your own, if you fight you'll learn to do it civically and it will be a good way to discussing how you wish to parent that baby and what your goals are."
I look at my dad who just gives me a look of 'do what your mother says.' I stalk past her and go upstairs, I take my suitcase and grab the small maternity wardrobe I have, along with my pyjamas and a mountain of socks. I grab my toiletries, my tablet, computer and its charger, a few tension bands. I even through a book or two in for good measure.
"What do you have in here?" Dad asks as he reaches for my suitcase.
"I don't know, my entire life?" I say bitterly.
"Rilla," Dad warns me, "I'm sure Mom will come around, just take your vitamins, go to bed early, don't overdo things and my phone is always on if you need me." I nod my head as we head down the stairs. Mom's old photo catches my eye, her as a little redhead dressed in a matching crocheted dress that her mother wore in the photo. Sometimes I wonder what mom was like before her mother died before Aunt Marilla took her in. Was she carefree and innocent as we were as kids? Would she have been more a dreamer romantic like Nan was if Grandma Nadine didn't die? How much did mom change watching her mother die? Was she always this strict of a person?
Dad puts my suitcase in the trunk of Ken's car. He still doesn't look pleased with his arms crossed. Leslie was trying to reason with Owen and mom, was this truly necessary? Apparently, they thought it was.
The ride to his apartment is rather silent as I stare out the window. A couple of neighbours gave a double-take when they saw me and my suitcase, but said nothing to us.
"You can have the bed," Ken tells me as I place my duffle bag on the couch when we went into his apartment. "I'll sleep out here."
"I'm not taking your bed, I'll be fine out here," I tell him. "I'm up every two hours to go pee anyone, it will be easier and I won't wake you as much," I explain to him. God, did my parents think this would help? A week of living not at home, with Ken of all people. A real taste of life, not every teenager mother has parents with the means of financial support, let alone support.
"I'm not letting you sleep on the couch," he shook his head.
"Great we have the beginning of a creative writing prompt. Two friends, one bed, whatever will happen?" I say sarcastically.
"You take creative writing?" Ken asks me. "And nothing would happen," he adds on with a look.
"Yeah in French though," I tell him. "Of course it wouldn't, I'm a whale and have no interest in that anyway." Leaving off the fact that if I did, I would get instant Braxton Hicks. Was an orgasm worth the uncomfortable tightening these days?
"Your parents would kill me anyway," Ken said under his breath.
"Our parent's set this up! They know you only have one bed!" I exclaim at the stupidity of this setup. Ken looked at me for a moment, really there was so much flawed logic behind this 'learn' how to argue without punishing the other person, while at the same time for me, a test of what it is like for most teen parents that don't come from such support or cushy families.
We stare at each other before I wince, letting my hands go to my back.
"What's wrong?" He immediately asks concerned. I wave him off as I feel lit lessoning.
"Braxton Hicks, apparently they are real," I tell him as it passes. "They aren't painful, just uncomfortable more than anything, everything is tight and she's getting to the point where she is invading my ribs because I have a short torso," I explain.
"What helps?" Ken asks unsure of how to help me.
"Water, lying down, relaxing?" I say with a shrug. "Dad just would periodically keep track of them as he forced me to watch star trek with him."
"Go lie down then," Ken instructs me. "Though I'm not much a star trek person, I do have Star Wars?"
"That's even worse," I tell him looking at him as I grab my body pillow deciding at that moment that if he was offering the bed I would take it.
Thank you all for reading this week. This chapter is heavy and has a lot going on in it at the end. I have my reasons for such things and hope that everyone can take a larger look at the character in this story from Anne, Owen, Gilbert and Leslie for reasonings that may seem out of place, but really the answers are there for you.
We have some small developments happening, or big ones either way.
Hope everyone had a good week, I am off to go watch the streaming version of Swan Lake, my ballet did for a show!
I lost one of my editing tools, somehow so I hope this is all right structure-wise!
Tina
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