March

34 Weeks

"Very good Rilla, Thank you for your insightful research." The teacher says to me with a touch of surprise in her voice. The last time I had spoken in front of the class it had been pitiful, but armed with tips from Ken's dad. I managed to speak without stumbling over my words. Allowing myself small pauses to breathe so I didn't so winded worked wonders. This also helped as I woke up with a stuffy nose that only made things worse as I tried to breathe as I went through my report about the renaissance.

"Thank you," I say as I sit down awkward at the old desk, I swear if I gained another pound I wouldn't fit anymore. Olivia grins at me giddy that I did so well, and she was excited that it was spring break next week. This means no school for me since I would be 36 weeks when school resumed. As it was decided that no one needs me going into labour in the middle of history class. No one needed accidental amniotic fluid flooding the hallways either!

"I hope everyone will do the same with theirs come May," she tells the class which leads to some snickers, but nothing over the top. Everyone knows that I won't be coming to school after spring break.

"So how is Mr. Cuddles?" Olivia asks as we gather up our books as the bell rings.

"Ken is fine," I say shaking my head at the nickname. I should have never told her that we woke up cuddling. Which prompted Ken to heed some of his father's advice and went back to sleeping on the couch as soon as I fell asleep at night.

"At work per usual, his parents flew back to Toronto yesterday. We had dinner with them last night one more time." I tell her coughing as we reach my locker and stare at my lock, mentally blanking on the combination. Olivia nudges me and does it for me. It was pretty much empty at this point I had been cleaning it out all week little by little. I put my binders into my bag next to my pencil case and two textbooks that I would still need.

"So all your big projects are done what else is left?" Olivia asks curiously.

"I have some smaller projects to do at home. It's not like mom would let me sit around at home for a month and not do anything for school." I tell her as grab my backpack and close my locker. "I need to stop by the drugstore, want to come with me?" I ask her.

"What do you need?"

"Cough drops if it allowed, I think I have enough for cough drops?" I say digging around the bottom of my bag looking for any sort of spare change or coins I might have lying around.

"Here, I have a five you can pay me back next week with coffee or something," Olivia tells me as I try to shake my head. "Just take it Rilla,"

"Thanks," I say blushing. "So are you excited for Robert to come to visit?" I ask her.

"Oh so excited!" Olivia laughed. "I can't wait for him to get here. I'm going to rip his clothing off," she grins.

"Well, be safe," I tell her with a teasing smile.

"I'm on the pill and since well he's staying with us, so mom got us a box of condoms," Olivia said quietly.

"To think your parents are allowing you to sleep in the same room," I shake my head.

"Doesn't Wynnie and Shirley have sleepovers?" Olivia asked as she headed outside.

"Well sorta, but he's in college so as long as it not all the time they look the other way," I explain. "But at sixteen, no boys or girl in our rooms at all," I tell her. "So I made do with the back of cars and gross teenage boy rooms," I say shaking my head. "God, let this one have some sense," I say out loud for the first time as I rub my stomach.

Olivia raises an eye. "Ahaha, the mommy instincts are starting to arrive!"

I blush and shake my head, maybe at this moment I understand my parents in a way I never understood before.

The apartment was still dark when I turned the key and let myself in. I dropped my book bag and kicked off my shoes. I sink in a char and sigh, grabbing the notebook I left on the coffee table. A school one, not my journal, because while I trust Ken not to go reading it, I don't anyone with it in reality.

'What kind of parent to be?' I write it down in my notebook.

Loving

Accepting

Understanding

Fair

Non-judgemental

Fun

Many things my parents were at the end of the day. They were strict about certain things and school, having a career that will allow you to support yourself in your adult life.

"What you working on?" Ken says suddenly behind me, still holding his work bag as I jump slightly in my spot.

"Nothing," I say trying to cover up my notebook for some reason. Ken gives raises an eyebrow and I realize that really I had nothing to hide from him. "Olivia teased me about having some sort of mommy moment," I explain. "We were talking about her boyfriend visiting and how her parents are letting them share her room. Made me think back, to Fred after hockey practice in his basement and the back of his car and I said out loud, god let this one have some sense." I explain. "For a brief moment, I could understand my parent's neuroticism about teenage pregnancy…"

"So you made a list of what you hope to be as a parent?" Ken asks sitting down beside me.

"It's odd, every time I write something down and think about it. I just feel like I'm going to mess everything up. Really how could I think I could do this?" I say sighing and look up at him where he stood behind the chair I was sitting in.

"I don't think anyone knows at first," Ken reminds me, smiling looking down at me. "I know that there are a few things I would change from my childhood, and maybe that's the first place to start with." He steps away going to his bookcase, fingering the book spines until he finds the one he was looking for.

I watch him flip open to a page.

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you,"

"It's a poem by Phillip Larkin," he explains after reading it out loud. "There's more to it, but that is the gist of it."

"I don't want her to grow up thinking she weird or vain. Jem, Shirley, the Twins, their friends, even you used to call me awful nicknames and it really hurt because everyone would just go along with them." I tell him quietly as I see him frown. He did partake in those nicknames.

How many times had I tried to get them to stop? Soon I decided the only way for them to stop was to become thin as possible. Which made confidence soar when I finally fit into the bridesmaid dress at Joy's wedding, only for it to be mistaken for vanity. That led my classmates to think of me as vain and fake. It didn't help that I spent all my time on dance either. At least my perfectionism was accepted and even praised in the ballet world.

"So we make sure that she knows that she is perfectly imperfect?" Ken says sitting down.

I sigh and push my curls out of my face, wiping my running nose as an afterthought with my sleeve. Is love ever enough? On the page, my parents are much like how I wanted to be. They were loving, they could be very understanding and accepting when it came to things about sexuality. They always were fair, we always had rotating chores, there were no boys or girl chores. We all had some sort of after-school activity. Jem had basketball, Walter had Boy Scouts for a long time, the Twins did a variety of dance and music lessons over the years. Shirley had a piano. I had Dance.

Yet they were so focused on academics there was little room for other dreams. Mom could go very quiet and silent when you did something she didn't like. Dad often said it was her way of processing things. Not wanting to say the wrong thing, trying to figure out what her own mother would have said or done vs Marilla. ( Though you knew you were in big trouble when she did blow up at you!) She always apologized, she always made sure that you were loved very much. I had been little when she took me to the graveyard to her mother's grave on the anniversary of her mother's death. The day that had changed her life forever.

Even to this day, I can't imagine what she went through at eleven years old. I grimace as I feel a foot press into my side.

"She's still bothering you?" Ken asked looking over at me concerned.

"She hasn't stopped," I cough and grown at the searing pain that radiated through my body. "I just wish I had something to stretch out on or something. I miss my exercise ball."

"You called your doctor did you not?" Ken asked for the hundredth time since the first time he heard me cough. "Do you want me to call your dad and see if I can pick it up, or if someone can drop it off?"

"Would you?" I stare at him with a look of hopefulness. "And yes, and all I got was a just wait it out the answer," I tell him as I feel my nose tingle. I look up into the light waiting a brief moment before I sneezed. Loudly and forcefully, enough for a foot to kick into my ribcage, up into my lung but not without me gasping from white pain radiating through my ribcage.

"Oww," I whine as Ken looks at me from where he was standing.

"I'm calling your dad," he says going for his phone. I don't bother answering him as he was already calling my father. It was a Wednesday, meaning he had the evening off. His schedule had been the same for most of my life.

"Dr. Blythe, it's Ken," He says into the phone as he goes into the kitchen and grabs me a glass of water as I cough lightly. I knew Dad would be over when he heard I had a cold. Armed with the exercise ball and his medical bag for emergencies and he was not a half-hour later.

"Dad I'm fine," I complain as he takes my temperature. "It's a small cold, nothing more."

"What else is hurting?" He asks me in his no-nonsense voice.

"It's just my ribs," I tell him. "Too much kicking and coughing, I'm fine really."

"Sit down," Dad shakes his head and I sit back down groaning slightly.

"Can you left your arm?" My dad says to me. "I need to see your ribcage," Dad says in his quiet, compassionate doctor's voice. "I need to lift your shirt as well," he adds on and I nod my head.

I raise my arm and Dad helps me pulls up my shirt. Leaving me in my bralette because underwires were much too uncomfortable these days. At least it was solid and nothing sheer on it!

"Is everything all right?" Ken asks standing off onto the side. I give him a weak smile as dad carefully pokes and prods gently, I hiss as he reaches one spot and he sighs and lowers my arm for me. "She's been up in your ribs for a while?"

"The past two weeks?" I tell him.

"She's most likely bruised a rib or even a muscle?" Dad tells me."Sadly not much I can do, you can take some Tylenol, not Advil for the discomfort. Though I can't be for sure if your rib is cracked, though I think if it was, you would be in more pain. I can tape it, to try to put some compression on it for some support. If it gets worse or bothering you, I suggest calling your doctor."

I nod my head as I lower my shirt.

"You're not having sex are you?" Dad suddenly asks out of the blue to us both.

"What!?" I cough and choke on my own words, while Ken splutters.

"You really think I don't know how to use or find Instagram accounts?" Dad gives me a look. "Those late-night videos of him talking or even singing to the baby? Clearly, both in his bed, I mean I get that your hormones are out of control and not just yours but men can have their own watching somebody carry their child. I'm just mostly saying you both should still be careful even if you're already pregnant. It's not a free pass if unsafe sex for either of you, I mean when's the last time you go tested Ken?" He goes on so perfectly calm about it all, knowing that I got screened for everything when I had my first appointment.

"Dad, dad please just stop. We're not, we would never even consider it!" I stress to him vehemently, ignoring the fact that my dad had obviously known his way around social media. I don't even want to know how he got onto those accounts.

"Okay, okay you don't need to go crazy, It was just a question," Dad said shaking his head. He rubbed my back as I coughed harshly with a rather relieved smile on his face. Though he still looked to Ken.

"Honestly I just got my health card here," Ken says awkwardly to my dad. "And I got home in December and ended up coming here, and was only back in Ontario for two weeks."

"So it's been a while?" Dad raised his eyebrow at him.

"Dr. Blythe, I won't say I was a saint in college when I was single, but dad was a hard ass being safe. For myself and for whoever I was seeing, it hasn't been on my mind, but yes I'm probably due for one?" Ken tells my Dad honestly which surprises me slightly. I wonder if guys actually just go get randomly tested like in the movies? Did everyone?

I watch dad nod his head. "I get Dr. Andrews to put you on his patient list."

"Dad!" I exclaim. "Really, what's with the interrogation, seriously are you going to ask for his body count next?"

"Of course not, that is not my business." Dad shakes his head, "but all things considering I should have asked my questions last summer, or even spring with you." Dad points out. "This could have all been avoided if I had paid attention more." He tells me.

"Dad this isn't your fault or moms," I tell him. "I made my own choices," I cough again.

"I don't like that cough," Dad says shaking his head.

"You think I do? I feel like between her feet and my coughing my lungs and ribs are going to explode," I tell him.

"Maybe you should come home?" Dad says after a long moment.

"And have mom think I can't even manage a cold by myself?" I find myself sneering at the very thought of it. I watch dad sigh and grab his stethoscope and motions for me to turn and makes me take a deep breath as he makes sure my lungs are clear.

"I suppose you'll live," Dad jokes as he steps away apparently happy at the state of my lungs.

I roll my eyes at him and I look out towards Ken. "There's nothing between us, not like that anyway," I tell him honestly. "We're not Romeo and Juliet, destined to bring down two families in our quest for happiness."

"Since when do you actively bring up Shakespeare?" Dad asks me with a teasing smile.

I shrug, not wanting to tell him that Ken had a habit of listening to audiobooks. Or that he didn't mind pausing to explain something to me if I asked. "Olivia and I watched the movie in class one day," I tell him, which was partially true anyway.

"Well, get some rest and take an easy," Dad tells me. "Your appointment is Monday?" He asks and I nod my head. "You can tell us about it Monday after dinner." He says reminding me that it was only a few more days until I could come home.

"Also don't tell mom," he says as he digs through his pocket and hands me a few bills. "Just ask the pharmacist about what safe if you need some relief," he tells me. "Or buy some chocolate or ice cream, whatever you want?"

I take the offered money. "Thank you," I say quietly. He hugs me before he takes his leave, kissing my hair as he always did.

The rest of the week went by as it faded into the weekends which was relaxed or relaxed as it could be. I used my much-beloved exercise ball to lay across, letting my back stretch out, and in those moments I had a brief moment of relief from being kicked in the ribs. Come Saturday, I worked my shift at the dance store and walked around the park before we stayed up late in the evenings watching movies, falling asleep on the couch until the baby woke me up. Letting me stumble to the bathroom and into his bed for the last few days of this stay.

I would never admit out loud that I missed his presence as I slept. How his hand would find mine, but whatever his father said to him had made him try to distance himself from me at night and after Dad questioning us, he seemed even more aware about it. Just the same I could only assume that Owen had emailed my dad with his concerns.

It had been late Sunday morning when Olivia texted asking if she could come over. Ken was on his way out for a run in the hour and said it was fine if she came over. So within 20 minutes, Olivia was buzzing the door to be let in.

"Okay, okay you have to watch this," Olivia says bringing up some show on the tv.

"Degrassi?" I raise an eyebrow. "I didn't take you for a fan, I don't even think I've seen a full episode" I tease her slightly.

"The new stuff sucks, but the original, and original cast of next-generation were golden," Olivia told me. "Now Shh and watch."

So I watch as instructed and I didn't know what she was going on about and about until I saw it. I look towards her confused.

"Tell me that is not your boyfriend/not boyfriend/baby daddy!" She pauses and exclaims pointing at the t.v. I did look like him and I look over at an old photo he had upon his bookshelf that was a similar age...yes that was him!

I quickly fish around for my phone and hit Ken's name under FaceTime and it took him a moment to pick up. He was outside and out of breathing. "Rilla, everything all right?"

"Yes, yes, though one might think that hey let's be friends and learn about each other would mean you would I don't know to tell me about this!" I shout turning the camera to the t.v to show him younger him.

"It never came up?" Ken replied after a moment. "Why the heck are you watching the show anyway?"

"It's been bugging me, it felt like I knew you from somewhere," Olivia sticks her head into the call. "I was watching reruns and suddenly you popped up and I was like omg I need to show this to Rilla!"

Ken shakes his head, wiping the sweat from his forehead. "I'll be home in a bit, then I can give you and Olivia the rundown of my happily short-lived child actor career."

"Oh please do!" Olivia tells me. "I mean you knew that knew….oh my god, you knew Drake!"

"I'm going to finish my run, I will be over soon enough," Ken says shaking his head and cutting off the call.

It was barely an episode later when Ken came knocking on the door. He was still sweaty from his run and his tee-shirt was soaked.

"Sorry if I smell," he says and I shrug, but I look around to the pile of clothes I had been folding and handed him a clean shirt. "Thanks," Ken said as he without thinking of the two girls in the living room. Ripped off his sweaty one and pulled on his new one, leaving him shirtless for a moment. Olivia gave me a look and wiggled her eyebrow and I swat at her.

"Well, isn't it Mr. Hot Shot," I hear her say and I shake my head as I get up to go blow my nose?

"Come off it," I hiss at her shaking my head at her as I reach for a Kleenex. "So, what that story behind this?" I ask him sitting down, wiggling trying to get comfortable.

"I acted between the ages of eight and thirteen years old. I quit by the time we moved out here I suppose." Ken said thinking back on it as he sat down. "I wanted to focus on high school, and getting into college. The last thing I did was an episode of Murdoch Mysteries in their first season.

"But how did you get into it?" Olivia asked still completely enthralled.

"Dad knew people," Ken said shrugging. "I came racing into the room in the middle of a dinner party and next thing they were asking if I wanted to be in a t.v?"

"Okay I know your dad is on the CBC and all from Rilla, but that's all it took, your friends must have been so jealous!" Olivia says still rather shocked.

"Really it's not as cool as it seems. Being on tv didn't really make you cool at school and it was long days despite the regulations in place."

"Makes sense, but you must have made a bunch of money?" I hear Olivia say without much tact.

Ken chuckled and shook his head. "Sadly the price of Canadian child actors in the year 2003 or 2008, was not all that great. I made enough to buy a car when I turned eighteen but really it wasn't much."

"But you knew, know Drake!" Olivia recalls.

"Sure, we know of each other," Ken says without sounding like he cared much.

"Your kidding, he follows you on Instagram!" Olivia says not believing him until she searched out his followers on Instagram for the first time.

Ken just chuckles as Olivia is still in disbelief.

"You know almost everyone, you have an IMBD page!" Olivia exclaims a short time later. "You were on Instant Star! Rilla has a thing for those soundtracks!"

I glare at Olivia. "I like the songs, I haven't seen much of the show. I stole them from Joy who used to watch it." I explain to him.

"I had a small part in the later seasons," Ken explains with a small shrug. "The whole acting thing isn't all that special, I was thirteen after all." He tries to brush it off.

"Well, that explains you being able to sing and play guitar," I say quietly to myself. It was after Olivia leaves and Degrassi is still playing on the t.v Ken takes a photo of the t.v screen. That was paused on a scene with him and his now-famous co-worker, with my mixed-matched, socked feet in the photo.

Someone is watching old reruns. Hopefully, this little one will never have to be subjected to my nine-year-old self on tv. Seriously, what was going on with my hair!

The poem is by Phillip Larkin, thank you to Claire for showing it to me during editing this week!

Degrassi is a Canadian T.V series that begin in the 1980s in Canada, I believe it got fairly popular on some channels, in the states as well. Next Generation was the reboot, that is probably a touch more known these days. But if you never heard of it, just picture some cheesy teenage, low-budget show from the early 2000s that could tackle all the normal teenage drama from dating, drugs, sex, and why not to meet off the internet( and now we have tinder...how times have changed!)

Fun Fact, I went to school with one of the original cast members of Degrassi Next Generation...am I dating myself saying that? haha. She was a year above me and she was super nice! I see Ken having a small part of someone's younger brother or something when he was young so it wasn't a big part, but he called in regularly growing up.

Hope everyone has a good week!