Thank you Nell and Lils for the reviews.
Lils, this story will have a good amount of chapters. It officially ends before going into the squeal at high school graduation and is currently on Chapter 40. So it will be around for a while!
May 2018
12 days old
I don't remember what sleep is, I don't remember what silence sounds like as I lay in my bed listening to Owen make small grunting sounds. Trying to get the energy to get up, she wasn't crying just yet thankfully. Ken is back at work, which means passing Owen to Ken at 8:00 am when he arrived so I could try and get some more sleep is no longer an option. It's more, night and day and it's exhausting.
I don't even remember the last time I showered. Maybe when the nurse came by to check on us? No, it couldn't be that long, Dad took her for me one night telling me to go shower and take a few minutes to myself. Telling me that sanity is something needed. I'm sure it's his way to make sure I'm coping with the changes so I don't end up with postpartum depression. Though really could he even do that?
My room is chaotic with piles of laundry, how does a baby go through so much stuff? While my own items are covered in spit-up and sour milk.
Milk, waking up that morning with rock-hard breasts with something I wasn't prepared for. It took some adjustments for both of us those first for days. I don't even care about where I feed her half of the time, it's not like you can really see anything besides her head. Plus most of the time I'm home alone, mom calls when she can to check up on me. She works half days, and works from home some mornings or afternoon, just so I'm not completely alone these early days of motherhood. Because despite Shirley being around, he really isn't the person I need at home.
Today I was alone for at least the morning, mom was working and Dad wouldn't be home until the afternoon. Shirley was working more hours now that school was finished for the year. I stumble out of bed, yawning as I pick up Owen from her bassinet. I tell her good morning before I carry her back to bed where I unzip her sleep sack. Tossing it aside I let her have her mid-morning breakfast that usually happened around ten-ish. When she finished I get back up and change her diaper and grab a clean sleeper for her to wear until she made a mess of it. I brush her hair and scalp before taking a moment to smother her in kisses. I grab a blanket and decide I need my own clean-up as I look at myself in my small mirror.
Bedhead, pale skin, a small pooch of a stomach that has yet to fully go away, it would go back to normal, wouldn't it? At least I came away with only a few stretch marks, more on the sides and hips if I didn't count the ones that ever scattered over my chest.
I lay Owen down on the bathroom floor before turning on the shower and going pee. At least the shower doors were made of glass and she could see me through them. I wash my hair quickly, constantly checking on her by poking out my head and calling out her name. Once finished I quickly dry off, throwing on new pair of underwear and a fresh pad and nursing bra. I toss my hair up in a towel and pick up Owen and walk back to my room. A pair of leggings, with a pair of loose shorts overtop and one of the many nursing tops I have.
I make my way to the kitchen and place her into the small bouncer chair that sat on the kitchen table. Making myself some coffee I yawn again. I grab the yogurt container and some fruit from the fridge before making myself a bowl of yogurt and fruit.
I sit down and eat with one hand as the other played with the little feet until I am finished. I don't dawdle as I want to take her out for a walk while she is awake and it's not too warm out yet.
It's probably one of my favourite times of the day now that I was feeling up to it this week, fresh air, sunshine, flowers. I never went far, just around the block to the small park near my house. I could sit down at one of the benches and just stare up at the sky. Exercise that was actually encouraged to me!
There was the occasional older lady or ladies as they had their afternoon off. Babies having babies, I heard the first time they saw me with the stroller. I did my best to ignore them as I continue, I stay far away from the playground. In our little subdivision park I stuck out like a sore thumb with all the moms and toddlers, so I stay away from them.
For now, I sat down near the creek, sometimes bringing a blanket to sit on as well so Owen could stretch out her little legs. If she fell asleep easily sometimes I stayed in the shade, writing in my journal. Trying to figure out a routine, a way to get back to what life was like before she came along.
The moments she was awake, fed and clean were the ones I love the most though. Ones without people around. A time where I can shower her in kisses and blow little raspberries on her chunky little tummy without worry about my parent's reaction. I don't know why I worried, but somehow it was still in the back of my mind that my parents disapproved of my choices.
Of course, I still played with her, I didn't act like I didn't love her or care for her around them, it was just toned down. Ken was the one who had no issues making sure people knew how much he loved her. When we went to her first doctor's appointment he spent most of the in the waiting room making faces at her.
The paediatrician was a youngish male doctor. Who ran us through the appointment and thanks to dad we had come prepared with the medical history of our own families. Details of my pregnancy, how labour went for me, and how breastfeeding is going for us.
Dad has his own scale at the house to which I record the small ounces she gains over the passing days. So I gave him those as well and when the appointment was over he looked at us.
"Trust your gut, if you think something is wrong to bring her to emergency if your father isn't around," He tells us as he knows my father. When the appointment was finished Ken buckled her into the car seat and we headed back home. Well, my home anyway.
Goodbyes became easier, but you could always see the hurt in his eyes.
I basked in the sunlight a while longer, Owen of course was in the shade before sighing and getting up. These park days were hit and miss, she wasn't always cooperative, sometimes she cried and cried, refusing to go to sleep until she had exhausted herself( and myself in the process!).
Those days when I swear I felt like I had every other woman look at me in disgust. Maybe it was in my head, maybe it wasn't. All I knew it felt like every sacrifice I made for her, wasn't enough for them. It didn't matter that I gave up my body, went through childbirth, struggled and cried in the middle of the night when she wouldn't go back to sleep. Yet it felt like I was never enough of a mom for them.
I shake my head and look at my phone realizing I had been here for longer than I thought I had been. Olivia was supposed to be coming over after she finished school for the first time since I had Owen. I was looking forward to seeing her, but first I needed to clean up my room and hopefully get some laundry done and I don't know, try and catch a half-hour nap? I park the stroller in the back room that was used for storage as I make my way back inside. Dad's car was now in the driveway which means he was home from work now.
"Rilla?" Dad calls out when he hears me, and Owen who was starting to cry.
"Shh, shh, just give me a minute Owen," I plead with her as I try to take off my sweater, my hips dancing as I have to pee at the same time.
"Pass her to me," Dad says coming to the kitchen. I don't even say thank you as I race to the bathroom, and wiggle down my leggings and pair of baggier shorts that hid the pads that I was still wearing. Sure they were down to the variety I used back when I was eleven years old when I first got my period, but I was still self-conscious of them showing. Really I couldn't wait to go be able to use a tampon again one day.
I wash my hands quickly, ready to grab my baby from my dad. I could feel the letdown starting and breast pads only held so much. Dad wasn't in the kitchen when I left the bathroom but found him walking with Owen. He passes her to me without a word as I see my nursing pillow and my water bottle in the recliner in the living room. Nursing could make you incredibly thirsty I found out each day that passed since my milk came in.
"Okay, Okay I know, you're hungry," I tell her before I let her latch on and fix my shirt so it hid my boob.
"Cutting it close today are we?" Dad says teasing as he sits down in his spot on the couch with his cup of coffee.
"Well, maybe tomorrow I'll just feed her in the park," I say somewhat joking, looking down at her but at the same time I wasn't. Dad and I don't look at each other as we talk like this, even though I am fairly covered up. Sometimes I don't even bother with a shirt if I'm in my room alone. "You're home early?"
"Hmm, yes we had a meeting at the bank," He says taking a sip of coffee.
"Is everything all right?" I ask hesitantly.
"Oh, of course, our advisor was mostly helping up reconfigure a few things. Nothing for you to worry about," Dad said looking at me for a brief second.
"How did you pay for everything?" I ask quietly. "I mean the money came from somewhere, this summer would have been our big vacation wouldn't it have been?"
"That vacation would have been pushed back until next year, even if we haven't dipped into the vacation fund a bit. We still would have waited, at least next year if we go rent a beach house like usual. Plus Owen will be older and it will be more fun for her." Dad says answering my question most kindly and honestly he could.
Vacations with large families take planning and money. The first one I remember taking, or maybe it was our first ever, I had been six years old, when we drove down to Florida. Mom and Joy in one car with us girls, while Dad had the boys. I was memorized by Disney World, the park my Minnie Mouse ears. I could spend every day there of the two weeks we spent in Florida. Dad rented a beach house for us after we finished at the park. Allowing us the rest of the vacation to run around the beach and swimming as mom chased us down with sunblock.
As for other years, Dad would rent out a house somewhere in Maine or at least somewhere in New England. We have live on an island, but going to different beaches was still a fun thing to do.
"Would you mind just keeping an eye on her while I just try and tidy up my room?" I ask my dad hesitantly. "She'll probably take a nap, so really she won't take much work?" As I move her to my shoulder and clipping my bra quickly as I pat her back. She's not much a gassy baby but usually gives me a good burp.
"Sure, I am just running through some paperwork," Dad says from his spot on the couch.
"Thank you," I tell him as I sniff her bottom, deciding that it was still clean I move her over to the small bassinet of the playpen. "I'll be as fast as I can be, actually do you want her, or should I lay her down?" I ask.
Dad smiles and holds out his arms and takes her from me and settles her in the crook of his arm.
I watch for a moment before I head up the stairs.
"How about a snuggle with grandpappy," Dad said in a low voice. "One day she will realize that having someone watch you sleep isn't totally needed, but for now I will take whatever she allows me to have."
I shake my head hearing him.
I quickly gather up my laundry, and garbage from my room. Pulling my bed covers up and fixing the array of baby stuff on the changing table. I deemed it clean enough before I gather up my basket of laundry before heading to collect towels from the bathroom. Along with a shirt or two, I tried to save and rinse out after soaking through my breast pads in the middle of the night.
I got downstairs and I throw a load into the washer, sinking on the couch to wait for it so I don't forget about it.
I must have dozed off as the buzzer signalling it was done went off. I yawn as I switch over my load and go back upstairs. I check the clock to see that it was almost three-thirty and knowing how punctual Olivia was, there was a knock on the front door.
"I got it!" I tell dad going over to the door and opening it.
"Oh my god, I missed you so god damn much!" Olivia exclaims as she sees me. She pulls me into a hug, to which I make an eep at.
"Liv, ow boobs too tight," I tell her.
"Sorry!" Olivia lets me go. "Hello Dr. Blythe," she says seeing my dad in the living room.
"Hello Olivia," Dad smiles at her. "It's nice to see you again."
"Thanks for letting me come over," Olivia replies. "So where is this baby of yours?"
"Hands first," Dad says automatically and I laugh lightly.
"Come along, you can wash them in the kitchen," I tell her, and lead her to the medical-grade soap that Dad brought home since Owen came home. He even taped up a laminated paper about proper handwashing.
Olivia scrubs her hands and dries them off with a paper towel. "All scrubbed up Dr. Blythe!" She calls out loud enough for him to hear, but far from yelling. "So where is the little chicken nugget?"
"She's napping in her bassinet with my dad," I tell her leading her back into the living room.
"Oh Rilla, she's adorable," Olivia gushes, "Look at that little pout, and those lashes."
"Remember, they are adorable and cute but only when you can give them back." Dad pipes up with a grin.
"Dad," I groan as I gather Owen up in my arms and cradle her so I could bring her upstairs.
"Sorry if it's a mess, smells like sour milk, or just like a baby in general," I tell her as she follows me into my room.
"It's all good," I wait for her to sit down on my bed before I pass her own, making sure she was properly held before I stepped back.
"So how was it? I want the details," Olivia tells me when we settle in my room as she cuddled Owen.
"I don't think you do," I sat shaking my head.
"But I do!' Olivia shakes her head. "So he watched it happen?"
"Well, I was kinda squatting so, it's not like he saw anything," I tell her. "But he was there beside me and it was rather nice," I tell her honestly. "He's really sweet with her, much more than I ever imagined?" I tell her, frowning slightly jealous about how free he was with his emotions around her. "I had a male nurse," I told her. "He pretty much delivered her believe it or not, really the doctor on call was there for support."
"Wasn't that awkward?" Olivia asks, making a face at the thought of a male doctor being down in that area.
"We made a deal earlier that day that he would have a ladies check me unless it was an emergency," I tell her with a shrug. "I think by the end of it I just wanted her out of me and didn't care. Though the doctor was the one who delivered the placenta and cleaned me up and well stitched me up a bit?"
"So you did have to get stitches?" Olivia whispered. "My cousin once said they had to Frankenstein her back together?"
"Really going in deep are you," I laugh. "Yeah I tore a bit, mostly first-degree tears, but I only needed like 2 stitches or something. I mean the peri bottle is still my friend going pee, but it's better than last week," I tell her and Owen starts squirming. "She's probably hungry, she's been eating nonstop these days."
Olivia passes her back and I grab my pillow. "You can stay or you can come back in a minute while I get her latched on.
Olivia shrugs not moving. "Does Ken stay while you're nursing?"
"Yeah, mostly since if he didn't, he'd never see her awake really," I explain. "I know I know you don't like being this way but I'm really you're going to make me lopsided," I tell her as she fusses. I reposition her slightly and she relaxes and I sigh.
"Does he see her often?" She asks next curiously.
"He's back at work, but he comes Monday evening and most of Wednesday. Though today someone asked to switch today, so he'll be over tonight. Then he has Friday evenings and Saturdays, though sometimes he stays the night Friday, just to help me overnight. Sunday he might pop by in the evenings if he feeling lonely. He's welcome anytime, but we try to stick to a schedule it's just hard when she's little. He switched around his days so he has Wednesday off, but now works Sunday." I explain to her. "It's hard on him, but what else can we really do?"
"Well, her photos don't really do her justice," Olivia says quietly. "Who does she look like more?"
"People say me, but I see a lot of Ken in her as well," I tell her looking down at her contented face. It still sent waves a fear down my spine when I look at her, that I was responsible for such a little thing, and would be forever.
"So are you still bleeding?" Olivia asked next and I laugh lightly.
"Yes, it's tapered off a fair bit but last week it was probably the most I have ever bled in my life. Actually, I still have one of the pads they gave to use, literally it is the length of Owen," I tell her. "I switched to my own adult diapers for a few days though, it was that much of a murder scene happening and it was easier to manage, but apparently it will be a few good weeks until I stop?"
"Sounds likes loads of fun," Olivia says with interest. "We were picking classes for next year, I loaded up my sciences. Do you think if I asked your dad if he would know someone who works in the morgue?"
"I really don't know, but nothing wrong with asking?" I say in somewhat disbelief. My happy-go-lucky friend who sometimes is compared to being a golden retriever at times by kids at school wants to be a mortician or coroner. I knew she loved her murder shows and true crime, but to train to be a coroner?
Would I be doing the same thing, choosing next year's classes running down the halls to my next class? I look back at Olivia was watching me, she smiles and takes my hand and squeezes it. "You know I'm still gonna be around right? plus in the fall you'll be back to school and things will normalize for you," she tells me. I want to believe her, but everything changed, and nothing will go back to normal for me again.
Olivia didn't stay long, though she had been invited to stay for dinner. She knew Ken was stopping by after 6 pm.
I get Owen situated and feeding as I flip through the channels, pausing for a moment to fix my nursing pillow. Then it happened, whatever channel I was on I heard the familiar voice of Royce Murtaugh. Royce has been who been around for ages. Known for his political and societal rants. So well known that that in social science class you learn about him and how to write your own rants for marks.
I just wasn't expecting this.
This week it was announced that CBC Legend Owen Ford, has become a grandfather again. Son, Kenneth Ford welcomed a Daughter, with an unknown girl because apparently, he followed in his father's footsteps in robbing the cradle. How do we know this? Because the birthdate on the hospital bracelet shown in this picture( picture flashes on the screen and my heart begins to stop and race all at the same time) tells us she was born in the year 2001!
Now if we go back twenty-five years or so, we might remember Owen Ford marrying a 24-year-old high school teacher when he was 35 after a little over a year of dating. Of course, this was back in the '90s and no gave a shit.
Now his son has impregnated a high school student? Well, that has #Me Too written all over it. Clearly, his own parents dating history and age gap have given the once child actor no sense of right and wrong. Just because the age of consent is 16, doesn't mean it's a get out a jail free card to be a horn dog around teenage girls. It's the first rule of college, always check their age!
Now I'm sure we'll get some half-assed statement about privacy and that mistakes happen. It was an untimely encounter. Completely ignoring the fact this their son had been hanging out with teenage girls!
I suppose the bright side of the story he's sticking by the girl, though her parents must be out of their mind to allow it.
I'm Royce Murtaugh and this is the Wednesday report.
This was not something I agreed to, I did not approve of this! Having my baby used in such a way! Rewinding to the photo he displayed on the screen, and realize it wasn't one that Owen asked to use. It was another that Ken had posted to Instagram, I had been fixing her blanket when he took the photo but you could still see my hospital bracelet. Neither of us thought to look closely at it!
Still anger, panic welled up in me
Who does that! We didn't allow him to take and post that on national T.V! Suddenly panic rose up in me. If he went on Ken's, he's seen all the others, maybe not of my face as Ken kept me off of that account.
Owen suddenly picked up on my escalating anxiety as she broke away, milk spraying her in the face as she cried. I grabbed the receiving blanket and shoved it against my boob and wiped her face.
I was hormonal, bleeding, leaking, I only had my first shower in days at this point and my baby was being mocked on the bloody news!
"Whatever is going on?" Mom comes into the living room at Owens cry before it replays on the T.V a mom watches with shock and disgust and suddenly a phone is ringing, and it's my mother's.
"Whatever in the world is going on!" Mom shouts into the phone "Shut that off," She tells me. "Watching that will not help you right now."
Mom calms down slightly, nodding her head. I try my hardest to get Owen back to nursing.
"You better handle it, you said that they wouldn't be able to know anything about her!" Mom yells into her phone. "Why didn't they blur it out! She trusted you, Owen!" It was Owen, it was Ken's father calling?
Does anyone even watch the Wednesday Report anymore? Will anyone even care.
"Anne our picture was clean, that wasn't the photo we used," Ken's Father says through the speaker. "This wasn't scripted, he planned this as his rant! The photo he used wasn't the one we used. He decided he saw a story and made his own research, no caring who hurts in the process because that is who he is! Goddammit, I should have seen this coming, I thought a small happy announcement as in we weren't hiding anything that he would just leave it alone. I will fix this, god damn I will sue him if I have to one Ken's behalf."
"How much worse is it going to be? I know Rilla's accounts are private, but I really don't want pictures of my granddaughter appearing on breakfast television and morning talk shows trying to guess the story!" Mom growls as the front door opens as Ken unknowingly walks into a war zone.
Fun-Fact it's my birthday Wednesday and I'm excited and hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, it's going to be eventful and they settle into parenthood!