Thank you to all the guests for the comments. No Paps, but moving on with life and crying babies.

Hope everyone enjoys this one as well!

June 2018

5 Weeks

She won't stop screaming at me, at this point, I have tried everything. She won't calm down, she won't stop crying. She wouldn't even nurse! I've paced the floor, I let her sit it out for a moment as I try and gather my bearings, I try to calm by taking a shower. I fed her, burped her, changed her, slathered her butt in soothing cream. I tried everything the books had told me and nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing works and I feel horrible as I can't figure out what I am doing wrong.

Dad is the one who finds both of us crying on the floor, I think I terrified him as he swept into my room with much more swiftness than I ever saw him do. He probably thought I was about to do something regrettable.

"She won't stop, she won't stop crying and I don't know why! Why can't I figure it out? Am I that horrible that I can't figure out my own child?" I cry out loud to him.

Dad gives her a once over, she was only in her diaper, after all, being a warm June day. At first, she was just fussy, but as the weeks progressed she only got worse. Colic, her vaccine at her four-week doctor's appointment mom would tell me as I tried everything I could. No one in the house got much sleep.

"Clean diaper, no diaper rash. She doesn't have a fever," Dad checks off on his mental list. "Now please don't take offence to this Rilla, I just need to ask, has she fallen off any furniture, have you dropped her even accidentally?"

I can understand his hesitance, to ask these questions. To ask me such questions when he knows I can fly into a rage so quickly.

"No," I tell him a bit too forcefully. "Ken hasn't either."

"When the last time she's nursed?" Dad asked me.

"Two hours?" I say looking at the clock, but also judging just how my chest felt as well.

"What have you eaten?" He asks me as he walks with Owen who was still wailing.

"Dinner last night, some tofu and vegetables, and I had a smoothie this morning with some of my soy protein powder in it. I haven't even had time for lunch she's been so fussy."

"No dairy?" He asks I shake my head. I've slowly gone back to my previous diet lifestyle, slowly working back into it anyway.

"Stop the soy and switch to dairy, she wasn't like this before you made the switch over again," Dad tells and I'm about to protest but she gives me a look. "It's the only explanation in my head that could cause her to be this way. Of course, talk to your doctor about it when going in for your six-week postpartum. You should also call her doctor and try and fit her in at the earliest spot he has he knows her medically better than I do. But if I had to wager a guess, something you are eating is making her uncomfortable and it best to play the elimination game."

I look at my dad like he has two heads.

Change my lifestyle and diet?

My diet was the one thing that helped me control my weight.

"For a few weeks, that way we can rule out certain foods or if she is just colicky," Dad says, before sighing. "Don't give me that look Rilla. Given how much she weighed, and how much you gained during pregnancy you are probably already near whatever weight you were before you had her. Even if you stay where you are right now it's a perfectly healthy weight for you."

"We can give her formula for the rest of the day and tomorrow, which hopefully won't hurt her stomach."

"But she's never even had a bottle before, the doctor and nurses said to not even try a bottle because of confusion?" I say sniffling. My mind whirling with everything I am doing wrong. Am I that horrible of a mother? What am I even doing?

"She'll figure it out," Dad frowns. "Rilla you know you didn't have to breastfeed? The way you make it sound is like they pushed you into it?"

I just shrug, I didn't feel like of a choice really but I didn't want to say that out loud. I do enjoy our quiet moments together where it's just me and her. Plus the nurse said we both caught on quick and it was cheaper.

Dad pulls out the formula he and mom stashed away from what the hospital gave me when we were there. It was premixed, so he showed me how to warm it up and what temperature was good for her.

I sat down with her first and she refused outright, and then dad even tried with no results.

She didn't like the bottle, that was the understatement of the year I tell myself.

When Ken finally made his presence for the day, she was screaming because she was hungry and angry. I was crying because I didn't know what else to do.

Thankfully Ken was used to walking in during moments of chaos at this point, it didn't even phase him. Today was different though.

"Ken!" Mom says like she has a brilliant idea. "Take off your shirt,"

"Excuse me?" Ken says, with a look like he was a deer in headlights.

"Just do it, we'll explain later," Mom tells him.

Ken looks at me and I just shrug, he does what she asks and sits down in one of the chairs.

"Rilla leave the room, go pump or something?" Mom tells me as she passing Ken Elowen and a bottle to which he is confused as he looks t me.

"We'll explain in a bit," Dad says for me and I leave the room. The first time Ken gets to feed her himself, and I can't even be there to watch it!

It takes a few moments for there to be quiet, and a collective sigh in the room. Ken finds me in my room, soaking in a bit of silence after days of crying. I'm still crying silently though feeling like an absolute failure at everything.

He lays Elowen down in her bassinet and pulls me into a hug which is comforting after my afternoon.

"I called her doctor," I tell him. "He can fit her in tomorrow morning," I tell him. "I know you have to work, and I'm sure it's going to be mostly about breastfeeding anyway?" I tell him.

"I'll figure it out, but you may need to figure out a way back here?" Ken says telling me."

"What if I can't do this?" I ask Ken looking at Owen, feeling like the worst possible mother I could be in this moment.

"Don't say things like that," Ken says sitting next to me on my bed. "You're doing wonderful."

"But I'm not, nothing I do is right! My whole life is a mess. All she does is cry and cry and want to be attached to me in some way or form and I hate some days. I can't do anything and I'm supposed to go back to school in the fall? She won't even take a bottle from mom and dad, how is daycare supposed to feed her? How am I supposed to do anything, what if I don't want this!"

I watch Ken go stiff, it's like he wants to scoop up Owen and cuddle her with my words burning into his head. At least that's what it looks as he stares at the bassinet.

"Is this a need to vent moment, or some moment where you are having second thoughts we need to figure this out for your sanity and Elowen's?" he speaks carefully. "Because what you're saying isn't a one-time conversation. Nor do we have time on our side for such decisions," Ken tells me with a catch in his voice. "We can't do this when our daughter is four years old Rilla, you can't run away from this without some sort of consequence. If you want out, that's your choice, but you're going to have to explain to her sixteen years when she comes to ask why?"

I stay quiet unsure of my own words and thoughts. Everything was so messed up and confusing.

"Because that would be taking her back to Toronto and raising her there," Ken says as if he's reminding me of what it would mean to do such a thing.

"You ever try to do that you will have to pry her from my dead hands," I hiss at him, and he almost looks relieved at my response. I say nothing else as I curl up on my bed. I know I will eventually have to get up and relieve some of the pressure that is in my chest, but right now I don't feel like moving. Ken sighs and sits on the edge of my bed, half of the time his visits were mostly watching her sleep. Mom says in time she'll be more playful, exciting but right now this was just how it was.

Ken ends up spending the night, mostly so Owen can be fed, but that also means that he sleeps in the spare room with the bassinet and I get the first executive four to five hours of sleep since she was born. Even if I did wake up needing to pump once.

The morning was a rush to get out the door, and later I end up at Joy's place of all places after the doctor's appointment. I look around the apartment, noting new things here and there. When was the last time I had been to my sister's? It felt like it's been too long of a time. Actually, the last time I had been here was the night I stormed out on her.

This time though I had a crying baby, the first round was soy for eliminations. If that didn't help then I would quit dairy for two or three weeks as well. Add on gluten, tree nuts, and other things on the list if it came down to it.

"Do you want to do sit down by the pool, it's daytime so there shouldn't be kids around?" Joy asks as I sway with Owen in my arms. The bag I packed was filled with everything I could possibly need for a few hours. Ken had given her a bottle before he left to back to work, but the doctor did recommend that I continue feeding her so I can see the difference which was.

It was more of an intolerance than an allergy he said considering her diaper contents were normal.

"There's shade?" I ask her.

"We're both gingers, would I suggest it if there wasn't shade," Joy replies in a 'are you kidding' sort of way.

"Fair enough," I say. Joy helps me bring down her diaper bag and blanket and we take the elevator down. We down in the small fenced into a garden area that had a pool. "How are the boys?"

"They are good, they excited for their birthday mostly," Joy tells me as we sit down in the lounge chairs that were shaded by a large tree.

"They're turning nine?" I ask trying to remember their age.

"Indeed, I feel like they just grew out of nowhere," Joy says with a hum. "Still feels like yesterday they were two crazy toddlers not even four years old at that point."

"Was it strange to date Matt knowing he was divorced and had kids?" I ask her for the first time.

"It was daunting and some people didn't always make it easy for us, but we survived it," Joy says with a shrug.

"Do you think one day, that if it comes to it that I will find someone someday?" I ask quietly. "Even with a kid?"

"I'm sure, someone someday will be delighted to know you and Owen," Joys says hugging my shoulder. "What with the questions? I thought you and Ken had it fairly figured out did you not?"

I shrug and quietly look down at Elowen who was sleeping contently on me. "It's weird I guess, we were close all the weeks leading up to her, and the first few days. Now though, it's just different?"

"So he was right when he said to wait things out with all the wacky hormones?" Joy teased slightly.

"The hormones are still wacky, I guess whatever connection had well, literally exited my body?" I say with a sigh and press a kiss to Elowen's head. "I still like him, I don't know, it's just all confusing and strange now."

"He also watched you push out a little human, so I'm sure he's feeling the same way. It's a big adjustment for anyone." Joy with a small smile, one that almost looked sad. "I can assume you haven't spoken about this?"

I shrug in response. "Our conversations generally revolve around this one," I say with a small motion to Elowen.

"She seems much quieter today?"

"I'm sure it won't last, she had enough formula that her tummy is happy enough, but the doctor says to continue on with nursing so I don't lose supply. It makes take up to two weeks though for any soy proteins to leave my body." I say with a sigh. "The only problem is that she only will take a bottle of Ken does it. It doesn't exactly help because I can't even be in the room otherwise she fusses because will why does she have a bottle and not me? Which also doesn't help Ken and I really for talking about anything really?"

"Sometimes change is good Rilla. It's going to give both of you some much-needed time to think and for both of you to grow into parents. The first week I spent went spent with Matt when he had the boys, it was overwhelming but it also made me appreciate who he is so much more. It was daunting because there was no turning back from it after that, I was in their life and I couldn't change my mind. They love me, they make me mother's days card's even if I am only their step-mom. When Matt and I almost broke up once. I realized that I wasn't just breaking up with him, but also those little boys. From that, I decided that maybe I was wrong and things weren't that broken but we could fix them?"

"You and Matt almost broke up?" I look at her shocked.

"Sure, it was a bit before he proposed, I guess I was afraid of how fast we were moving? It seems rather silly these days?" Joy says shaking her head. "I had a good talk with mom and she reminded me anything you love is worth fixing or saving."

"Well, they have been together for thirty-four years," I say automatically.

"They almost split up when the twins were babies," Joy tells me. "I must have been about twelve? They tried to hide how much they were fighting, but Dad was never home he was working. Mom was home with the Twins who were babies at the time. I heard them one night, something about being home more or not coming home at all because he wasn't home anyway."

"Dads ever-constant reliable schedule?" I hum. "So what happened?" I ask next because clearly, they were still together.

"Well, Dad stepped up and helped out around the house more and well, Shirley happened?" Joy giggles a bit. "I wasn't the only unplanned baby, I mean there are seven of us after all."

I look at her mouth agape.

"Honestly, after the complications with Shirley, I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't exactly planned either." Joy tells me. "Essentially, Mom and Dad are human and they understand to a degree that you never mean for this to happen. Though if you ever tell them you heard it from me, I will keep your birthday presents for the next five years." Joy warns me with a small warning smirk and I laugh lightly.

We sit outside for another little bit, Elowen even lets Joy have a few minutes of cuddle time before she wants to nurse. I watch Joy with her, for the third time and I notice again that something is always off with her. How her smile as she makes as she talks baby-talk never quite reaches her eyes.

I want to ask, but I don't.

It was Dad who picks me up at 1 pm, on his way home from the hospital and Joy helps me carry my things downstairs.

"What the future holds, whoever you decide to be and be with one day. Someone will love her as much as they love you, don't worry about that," Joy tells me wisely as we hug goodbye.

Mom was home when I came through the door. I find her in the kitchen when I go for a snack. I grab a container of baby carrots and cut up vegetables and hummus.

"Your six-week appointment is coming up," Mom says to me as I bounce lightly on my heels as I dip a carrot into my hummus. Owen was wrapped up in her stretchy carrier. She's been crying since her short nap, and from the sounds of it wasn't going to stop.

"Yeah?" I ask to say back to her, not sure where she was going with such a comment.

"We should talk about birth control before you go in," Mom approaches the subject.

"I don't need it, nor do I want to put fake things into my body," I tell her and mom puts down the knife she was holding and turns to me.

"If you think we are going to chance anything with you, you are the wrong missy," Mom says to me. "You're going on something because this is not happening again."

"I don't need it," I tell her again.

"Yes, because that works out great for you last time," Mom says rolling her eyes.

"Well, last time was different! Who the heck is going to sleep with me, let alone date me with a baby?"

"Well, I can think of one person," Mom says sarcastically.

"It's not like that!" I shriek loud enough that I disturb Owen. "Great," I muttered as I try to calm her down an octave of her crying.

"You're going on something, I don't care whether you want it or not, in this house we're not putting anything up to chance. I'm sorry but whatever trust we had in you for making good decisions is long gone. Birth control Rilla, I mean it. I don't care what brand, form you choose but you're doing something to protect yourself for your future. Because this happening isn't again, you're not having another kid before the age of twenty. Hell, I prefer you to be done college before you even think about another one if you want another one."

"You're not even being fair!" I object. "You're not even listening to me!"

"Would you rather this talk be with your father?" Mom warns me.

"You can't make go on something I don't want to be on! It's my body, my choice, it's also very hypocritical when clearly you never bothered with it!" I say loudly to her.

"Pardon? Do you need a reminder that your father's and I decisions aren't up for discussion?"

"Oh yes you totally set out to have seven children, god we're not naive clearly a bunch of us weren't planned beyond Joy:"

"First off, watch your tone young lady. Second none of you were accidents or mistakes. We made a choice to accept what was given to us as long as I was healthy enough to have a child" Mom says carefully. I roll my eyes, sure they were fairly religious back in the day after all, but it also seemed like a bunch of excuses to make themselves look better to us kids.

"Well news flash mom, a vagina isn't a clown car," I sarcastically, though ultimately regretted it when I saw her face.

I don't even wait for her to say something as I grab my shoes and a sunbonnet for Owen and the diaper bag by the door from earlier this morning.

I try to hush Owen was screaming at me try to calm her. I sit down on a bench in the park, crying because I could barely hold in my emotions.

"Is everything all right?" One of the moms who live in the area asks me cautiously. "Are you all right?"

I sniff back my running nose as I pat Owen's back. Trying to find words, beyond just nodding my head.

"The fourth trimester is probably harder than all the others. She's only a few weeks old is she not?" She asked gathering from the poke of a white and pink sleeper she was still in

"She was born on May 4th," I sniffle through my words. "I'll be fine, just got in a fight with my mom."

"Do you want to talk about it? Sometimes it's good to just talk over even with a stranger?" She asks as Owen refuses to settle. I did not think this through, as I work her out of her carrier. "Here," The lady offers a spare blanket from her stroller, draping it across my shoulder for me. Sensing I was worried about nursing out in public.

"Thank you," I say and ducking under the blanket. Owen fought me for a moment before latching and instantly quieted down and I sigh before looking up to the sky.

"You always watch us but never come over to the playground," The mom notes as she picked up her chunky baby. "You don't have to be shy, I'm Piper by the way."

"I just—, I'm Rilla," I start not knowing how to explain how I feel.

"Just so you know, Rebecca was seventeen when she had her oldest who's in middle school these days. So you don't have to worry about judgement from us, we've all seen you around. But if you want to be alone as well, that's fine as well but you don't have to hide from us."

"It's just weird, I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere right now. Sometimes I see girls my age at the doctor's office, but yet they always seem to not like me because clearly, I have mommy and daddy paying for everything. Which sure is true, I guess, but it's only until I can work again. While older moms, just pity me or give me dirty looks or her father dirty looks," I say with a sigh.

"Well, I can't say it will get easier, as a mom you're always going to feel judged no matter what. What did you and your mom fight about?" Piper asks me as she sits down next to me.

"We fought because I don't want to go on birth control. Mostly because I have no use for it," I say looking back down at Owen who pulled the blanket away from her. "I have no plans, and it's not like anyone will want to be with me in that way either. This one's father and I, we're just friends and co-parents. Nothing else really, it was an accident, we were drunk."

"As much as it pains me to have to side with your mother. She's right, things can happen even when you don't plan on it. What happens if you're with him and the baby sleeping and say ahh what the heck? I've seen it happen to grown women, so it's not just a teenage thing. It's just a life thing. Being prepared, protected is always good to have in your pocket. No one wants to be peeing on a stick and have it turn positive when the baby isn't even six months old."

I sigh, I don't want to go home, but the reality is that I have to at some point anyway. Instead, I head in the direction of town.

Ken is fairly shocked to see me when he was out on his balcony hanging up some laundry to dry for the evening. He makes me some tea as I sit on the couch. I curled up with my knees to my chest.

He sits down across from me, still holding our daughter. "Rilla, how did you get here?" He asks

"I walked," I tell him, it was only a forty-five-minute walk after all. Still, that is fairly long when you're hauling about a nine-pound baby, and it was much further than I was used to.

"Do your parents know that you came here?" He asks next and I shake my head.

"Mom and I had a fight, and I just stormed out," I say as he lays Elowen down on a blanket and does some bicycling motion with her legs as he makes some faces at her.

"Well, you will have to either wait a while before I can drive you home, actually I can't. Since the car seat is in your parent's car." Ken states and for the first time, I see an open bottle of whiskey and a glass. He's twenty-three, of course, he drinks from time to time. Hell, I would love a drink some nights after a day of crying, but that isn't happening any time soon.

"Oh," I say frowning why didn't I think of that!. "It's all right I can manage can even walk back it's not that far."

"What did you fight about?" Ken asks as gathers up Owen and walks the length of his couch, back and forth.

I look down at my hands, not wanting to explain it to him.

"Female stuff?" Ken guesses my hesitance as he patted Owens back.

"Birth control," I say quietly and he turns his head to me. "Essentially they consider it a requirement as I live in their house right now. She wouldn't listen to me and I just got angry and said some things that weren't exactly nice."

"Should I ask?" Ken asks with a frown.

"I threw it in her face that clearly they didn't use much of it themselves considering there are seven of us. I may have made a bad joke comparing a vagina to a clown car?" I say quietly, to which he tried not to laugh at being the young male that he still was. 'How are you so good with her?" I ask noticing that Owen was almost asleep in his arms.

Ken shrugs one shoulder lightly to my question. "If it makes you feel any better, you're not the only one who got that talk. Dad really laid into me about the importance of it on my end too."

"Yes but I'm sure you didn't blow up at him," I sigh. "You know if she didn't go demanding it. I probably would have been more receptive, it's not like I didn't know it was coming up. How many times did the doctor bring it up before they even let me go home."

"She's just looking out for you," Ken tries to remind me and I sigh. "Actually since you are here, something came today. It would have been here sooner, but someone couldn't make up her mind and missed the shipping deadline." He says with a small grin as kisses Owens hair.

He bends back a bit as he picks up a small box on the table, that I hadn't noticed and passes it to me. I look at him with a look of surprise, he waves once more before I take it.

I open it, still unsure of what I was expecting it to be other than some piece of jewellery given the box.

Inside nestled on black velvet was a small charm on a chain. A tiny shoe, a baby bootie with a bow with a little green emerald above it. I pick it up gingerly, examining it closely as I realize he also engraved her name on the back of the little shoe.

"It's beautiful," I murmur. "Thank you."

"I'm sorry it was late," Ken says bashfully.

"It's fine, it's not like it was a grandly celebrated day. Sure dad got me flowers, but mostly since he always gets mom flowers and seemed wrong not to." I tell him and I work the clasp and put it on.

I get up and walk over to him. "Thank you," I say quietly, debating but ultimately deciding not to do anything further. "Thank you as well," I kiss Owens temple as she makes a little face at me.

I feel like it's been a while since I had Joy pop up and have some actual sister time.

Thank you Jess for all my incessant baby questions, really you are the best friend a girl and writer could have!

Tina