Fire is a Mutant's Best Friend

"Ohhh," Mastermind moaned sprawled in a chair in the Recreation Room. "That was by far the worst workout I have ever had. Even Magneto's training sessions aren't that bad."

"Consider yourself lucky," Remy groaned draped across the couch. His right arm was in a sling and he was covered in swollen bruises. "At least your femme didn't nearly drown you or shove a hand gripper in a very painful place. And what she did with those pool noodles was definitely illegal!"

"You can file your restraining order along with mine about the unlawful use of wet towels," Mastermind winced. "Do I even want to know what you did to tick off your latest amor?"

"Actually, we first met a while ago and have kept randomly bumping into each other ever since," Remy shuddered. "And I didn't initially do anything! Her sheer, irrational hostility towards me is due to a complete misunderstanding!"

"Yeah right," Mastermind drawled.

"It's true I tell you!" Remy insisted. "I've tried explaining that fact to her repeatedly, but she just won't listen. I hope I never run into her again! That woman is crazy!"

"Nooo," A mauled, traumatized Piotr twitched sitting next to Remy with a very haunted look in his eyes. "No more women…not the women…too many women…"

"Yeah, yeah. Rub it in," Remy grumbled. "Man, I wish I had your trouble."

"For once, I agree," Mastermind moaned feeling his legs cramp up. "I could really use a massage."

"Ahhh, not a massage!" Piotr yelped reliving his experiences at the fitness center. "Don't get a massage from the women! Women can't control themselves! Their hands and lips are everywhere…!"

"O-kay," Mastermind blinked. "Note to self: make myself look like Colossus the next time I meet a group of attractive women."

"Careful, Masty. I doubt you'd survive an encounter with multiple femmes," Remy warned. "Especially once they get past your illusions." He gingerly lolled back his head. "At least there aren't any crazy femmes running wild around here."

"Do-doh! Do-doh!" Pippi popped up onto the back of the couch and innocently nuzzled Remy's cheek.

"You were saying?" Mastermind gave him a look.

"Ugh," Remy sighed lacking enough strength to wave Pippi aside. "Pyro!"

"G'day, mates!" Pyro chirped entering the room. "Nice you see you and Pippi are enjoying each other's company."

"I wouldn't put it like that," Remy groaned. "Ow! Hey, watch the beak!"

"Awww, that's so sweet," Pyro cooed. "She likes you, Gambit. Though not as much as me."

"Whoopie," Remy drawled sarcastically. "I'd hate to have her dislike me. Speaking of which, how's Mags?"

"Oh, he's still out cold and covered in bandages while laid up in the Infirmary," Pyro said casually. "He and Pippi got a little carried away during their bonding time."

"No kidding," Mastermind muttered. "Did he at least leave any aspirin or painkillers for the rest of us?"

"Nope. He downed the last of 'em before getting zonked," Pyro reported. "And Sabes is polishing off the rest of Mags' booze supply in the kitchen along with a raw giant bluefin tuna fillet. Said he needs a massive infusion of protein and alcohol to balance his blood and sanity levels."

"Great, one more thing to clean up before it stinks up the base," Remy groaned. "And the raw tuna remains too."

"Well, there goes my last hope of coping with my latest traumatic experience," Mastermind moaned. "Without my old reliable companions Aspirin, Morphine and Alcohol, what else is there?"

"TV. Duh," Remy used the remote to flip to a random channel. "A few hours of mindless entertainment will help anyone forget their troubles."

"Like I have a choice," Mastermind groaned in resignation. "I'd rather lose what's left of my doomed mutant mind in a good book or two."

"I'd rather soothe my aching mutant nerves with a couple of hot, affectionate femmes," Remy said while Pippi continued to nuzzle his cheek. "A pair of human ones anyway…"

"The femmes…the femmes…" Piotr twitched.

"Hey, that's no way to talk, mates," Pyro scolded. "There's no need for mutants to turn to drugs or humans or the idiot box for close, personal companionship. There's a much better alternative."

"Oh really, idiot?" Mastermind snapped. "And what's that?"

"Simple, Masty," Pyro grinned facing his teammates. "Some lonesome mutants seek partners. Who have wit, looks, charm and brains."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Remy quipped.

"But I prefer a mate who bakes!" Pyro paused dramatically. "And makes exquisite flames!"

"Oh no," Mastermind blanched as Pyro took out his lighter. "Not again!"

"Of all the times to be too exhausted to move," Remy groaned. "And be out of arm's reach of a fire extinguisher."

"Adamantium claws may seem like a real winner! But fire is a mutant's best friend!" Pyro sang while using his powers to create an elegant flaming backdrop.

"Do-doh! Py-roh!" Pippi cooed flapping her wings to the beat.

"No, it's not!" Mastermind snapped. "Fire is anything but a friend around here!"

"Telepathy's fine, but it won't cook your dinner!" Pyro pointed out. "Or give warm delights! On all those cold and lonely nights!"

"I gotta admit he has a point on that last one," Remy mused. "'Course I'd solve that problem by cuddling up with my fair, lovely chérie."

"Don't you start," Mastermind moaned holding a hand to his head. "I can only deal with one complete nutcase at a time."

"Strength decays! Nerves get frayed!" Pyro sang while happily skipping among the flames. "And we all lose our minds in the end!"

"Some of us sooner than others," Remy quipped at Pyro's behavior. "Though the way things are going right now I probably won't be far behind."

"But through rain, sleet and snow! There's one thing that I know!" Pyro declared making a giant flaming torch. "Fire is a mutant's best friend!"

"More like our worst enemy," Mastermind groaned as Pyro casually proceeded to set fire to the TV. "Mutant and human alike!"

"I think I'm starting to get some feeling back in my legs. Maybe I can limp out of here," Remy valiantly attempted to get up off the couch. "Nope."

"Colossus, stop that Flame Brain from shooting fire everywhere before he burns us all to a crisp!" Mastermind shouted.

"Women…women…scary, friendly women…" Piotr shuddered. "Too friendly!"

"Great, he's gone," Remy sighed. "So much for not being roasted alive in our own base."

"Zippo!" Pyro cheered holding up his lighter in tribute. "Calico!" He took out another lighter and lit it. "Xikar! Black Label! Talk to me S.T. Dupont!" He continued to whip out more lighters. "Light 'em up, sheilas!"

"Oh geeze, how many lighters does that maniac have?" Mastermind blanched at Pyro's flaming entourage. "And where does he keep them?"

"You don't want to know," Remy warned. "Not if you ever want to experience anything resembling sleep again."

"Hahahahaha!" Pyro cackled making life-sized fire depictions of his various lighters. "Ruby-quartz visors are unduly exotic! While fire is a mutant's best friend!"

"Do-doh! Do-doh!" Pippi squawked animatedly.

"Huh, looks like somebody's jealous of the attention," Remy commented as Pippi hopped up and down.

"I'm jealous of the blind right now," Mastermind moaned shielding away from the flaming display before them. "Not to mention the deaf!"

"A whirlwind of flames so vibrantly chaotic!" Pyro picked Pippi up and gleefully twirled her around with the lighters. "Makes a lovely sight, used in a fight or as a night light!"

"Do-doh! Py-roh!" Pippi cooed in agreement.

"Then again, attention is overrated," Remy sighed.

"Cards get played! Bribes get paid!" Pyro nonchalantly toasted Magneto's favorite chair to ash. "On such tactics one sure can't depend!"

"That's not the only undependable thing around here," Mastermind moaned. "The nonexistent remains of Pyro's brain for instance…"

"Whether posh or uncouth! There's one clear, proven truth!" Pyro sang creating a fire line of dodos. "Fire is a mutant's best friend!"

"Oh man, and I thought Pyro held his stuffed platypus in high esteem," Remy groaned.

"His stuffed what?!" Mastermind did a take.

"What the heck is going on in here?" Sabertooth stood in the doorway holding a giant raw tuna fillet on a skewer like a popsicle. "You lunatics better not be trying to make marinated s'mores again…yaaahhh!" He yelped as the flock of dancing fire dodos began shooting fireballs in all directions. "YEEEOOOW! HOT! HOT! HOT!"

"The bright sun may shine when one controls the weather!" Pyro giggled joining Pippi and the flaming dodos in a chorus line. "But fire is a mutant's best friend!"

"AGGGHHH! NOT THE TUNA!" Sabertooth howled as his fatty, fresh fish fillet took a direct hit from a fireball. "YOU'LL OVERCOOK IT! NOOOOOO!"

"Anonymity's fine, but it won't last forever!" Pyro warned creating a flaming grand staircase. "Unlike the glow of an apropos, eternal inferno!"

"Now there's a scary thought," Mastermind gulped. "Imagine being stuck with this lunatic for the rest of our lives and beyond!"

"What makes you think that won't happen anyway?" Remy gave him a look.

"YOU'RE GONNA DIE, FIREBUG!" Sabertooth roared tossing his ruined skewered tuna aside with murder in his eyes. "THAT WAS THE BEST SLAB OF FISH I'VE EVER GUTTED…GAAAHHHHHH!" Sabertooth was cut off as he was unwillingly embraced by fire dodos. "AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!"

"Metal rusts and slime disgusts!" Pyro happily skipped up and down the fire stairs with Pippi. "While helmets are on a downward trend!"

"That explains why Mags isn't wearing his usual bucket today," Remy commented.

"I think the giant bandage and ostrich egg-sized lump the feathered menace gave him has something to do with it," Mastermind drawled.

"Illusions are so lame! When compared to…real flames!" A collection of bright, soaring fire fountains filled the room as Pyro dramatically ascended the fire staircase and struck a pose. "Fire!"

"Fire!" The chorus line of flaming dodos echoed.

"Fire!" Pyro grinned strutting around.

"FIRE!" Sabertooth screamed running about enveloped in flames. "OW! OW! OW!"

"I don't mean sparklers!" Pyro smiled as a dazzling barrage of fireworks exploded around him. "But fire is a mutant's best…" He spread his arms to encompass the awesome display of shooting pyrotechnics, multicolored illuminations, flaming fountains and fire dodos. "Best friend!"

"Do-doh! Py-roh!" Pippi cheered.

"Yes, friends. I have friends," Piotr twitched and desperately hugged Remy to his chest. "Friends to protect me from the hordes of affectionate women…"

"Aghhh! Leggo, Piotr!" Remy choked. "You're crushing my spine! Ahhh!"

"Oh geeze," Mastermind moaned at the mad assemblage of flames, chaos and mutants. "With friends like these, who needs enemies?"

Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend".