Knowing that he had some apologizing to do, Lucas had rearranged his office to serve as a private dining room. He had cleared the things from the top of his desk, and covered it with a red table cloth. He had moved one of the chairs normally facing him to the side and moved the other one to be directly across from his desk chair. He intended to let Elizabeth have that place, knowing it would be the least awkward and most comfortable. A vase of red roses was sitting on the desk, as well as a set of silver candlesticks. He had drawn the blinds and lit candles around the room, their flickering light setting the atmosphere.
At first, Lucas had been patiently waiting on the settee. He was sure that as soon as Elizabeth got his note she would be on her way. He knew that she did not care for conflict. Lucas was confident that she would once again want to clear the air with him.
Clear the air? For all the romantic prowess that he tried to display, Lucas did not have much experience with long-lasting relationships. In fact, this one with Elizabeth was turning into one of the longest, if not the longest, relationship he had been involved in. It also happened to be the hardest he had ever had to try to get the lady to consent to a courtship. As such, he had not had to deal with a lot of conflict in his relationships. Relationships usually consisted of some romantic dates, a few conversations about plans for the future, and then either him, the lady, or both of them deciding that it was time to move onto something new. This continual blundering, apologizing, and another chance were new territory for him. The fact that she continued to accept his apologies had told Lucas that for Elizabeth this wasn't a superficial or casual relationship. She had intended for this to be long lasting.
Lucas was starting to wonder if he was cut out for long lasting. Glancing at his clock, Lucas was also starting to wonder if Elizabeth was going to show. Had his blunders finally reached the point that even Elizabeth was not going to forgive him?
For that matter, if he truly loved Elizabeth, shouldn't it be his desire to make her happy instead of seeming like such a chore?
As he had waited, his musings had sent Lucas to pacing his office. A knock on the office door drew his attention. "Come in," Lucas called out, turning toward the door even as he subconsciously straightened his already straight bow tie.
The door opened but it was not Elizabeth who walked in. Instead, walking through the doorway was Abigail Stanton.
"She is not coming, is she?" Lucas asked, though he already knew the answer.
"No. Elizabeth is not coming," Abigail replied.
Lucas sat quickly down on the settee. He felt irked and relieved at the same time. Irked because all of the work he had put into this last minute lunch was all for nothing. Relieved because he had a feeling that this charade that he and Elizabeth had been putting time and effort into was quickly coming to an end.
Those were definitely not the feelings of a man in love. How many times had he seen the pain in Nathan's eyes when the Mountie had seem him with Elizabeth or plans with Elizabeth had fallen through?
"Elizabeth does want to talk to you," Abigail continued, drawing Lucas' attention to her. "She is waiting in my apartment, above the café."
"What if I don't want to go?" Lucas challenged, already knowing that he would be walking over to the café even though he had a feeling it would be to set Elizabeth free. Perhaps setting them both free.
"Then I will go find Judge Avery and have him help me drag you over there. You have put Elizabeth through enough. At the very least be a gentleman and let her say her peace on her own terms."
Lucas smiled. There was something about a spirited woman that he liked. Just like the spirit he had seen in Elizabeth when he had accused him of opening a gambling school for minors. The spirit that had kept Elizabeth going after the death of her husband. The spirit that Lucas felt like he was slowly squelching by trying to keep the relationship going. He cared about Elizabeth. He wanted to see her happy. But lately Lucas had been wondering if he truly loved her or had simply loved the challenge that she presented.
The one answer he did have was that Lucas knew that if Elizabeth had chosen Nathan, he had been ready to move on. It was why he had chosen to set her free after he had seen her with Nathan outside during Ned and Florence's reception. After he had seen Newton tied outside of Elizabeth's house a few days later.
Lucas knew Nathan had not moved past his feelings for Elizabeth. Nathan's recent warning had told him that much.
"There is no need to involve Judge Avery," Lucas replied, getting to his feet. "Though I am quite sure that complying with that request would make him quite happy."
Abigail simply nodded as she stepped aside. It was clear to Lucas that she was not leaving his office before he did.
Walking toward the door, Lucas paused in front of Abigail. "I never intended to hurt her," he said, looking down at the woman.
Abigail nodded. "Then do the honorable thing by giving her the opportunity to find the kind of love that she once shared with Jack."
Lucas nodded. "Are you going to be there to make sure I behave myself?" he asked.
Abigail shook her head. "You two need to talk alone. However, I will be right downstairs."
"Understood," Lucas replied before grabbing his coat and leaving the office.
Lucas donned the coat as he left the saloon. With Abigail only a step behind, he made his way to the café. Entering the private entrance, Lucas glanced back at the woman following him. It was after all, her home he was about to enter. Abigail simply nodded toward the stairs as she unbuttoned her coat.
Silently, Lucas started up the steps, He unbuttoned the coat as he went up. He found Elizabeth sitting at the table, nervously folding a cloth napkin. She looked up at the sound of his footsteps and Lucas could see the sadness in her eyes. Sadness that he had caused. That knowledge did make him regretful. He had never meant to hurt her but he had, so many times. He had caused tears to fall from the eyes looking back at him. Eyes that had once learned to dance with merriment again after the loss she had suffered. Eyes that had truly danced at Nathan's fumbling but genuine words and gestures. Eyes that had simply looked at him with amusement as he tried to push the boundaries that she had set.
"Elizabeth," he said. It was the only word he got in as Elizabeth cut in with a determination of being heard this time.
"No, this time I am going to speak first and I want you to truly listen to me, Lucas," Elizabeth told him.
"I can do that," Lucas acquiesced as he pulled out a chair at the table. Sitting down, he folded his hands on the table in front of him. Instead of looking at her though, Lucas found himself watching her hands. The hands that were now unfolding the napkin that she had folded.
"Lucas, I need to apologize to you," Elizabeth began.
Lucas shook his head. Elizabeth had nothing to apologize for. He was the one who had tried to orchestrate things. He was the one who had said careless things. He was the one who as of late had been flirting with women when he had suppose to be with Elizabeth. "You-"
"I just want you to listen," Elizabeth stated forcefully.
Lucas nodded.
"I need to apologize because I consented to this relationship for the wrong reasons. I chose you because I was afraid of the feelings that were developing between me and Nathan. When he told me he loved me, I realized that pursuing a relationship with him would open me to the same kind of hurt that losing Jack had brought. A pain that lingers much longer than any tears I have cried over things that you have said or done. The same pain that Nathan's words yesterday caused even though I know he only made that accusation out of his own pain and fear."
Elizabeth started to fold the napkin again even as she continued to speak. "Lucas, you are a very sweet and generous man. Some woman would be lucky to have you as their partner but that woman is not me. I was drawn to you because I found your compliments flattering. You were good at the romantic gestures that Jack could always make me smile with. You are comfortable and can offer me the kind of world that I grew up in. The world that I always felt safe in as I grew up under the shelter of my parents' love and roof. The world that I chose to walk away from - first to come to Hope Valley and then again because of my love for Jack. I think by choosing you, I was trying to withdraw from the world that had hurt me and was looking for the safety of the world I grew up in."
"That is not who I am anymore. My friends could all see it. Trying to be someone that I no longer am has put strain on the relationships that I have come to value above all the worldly things I gave up to come here to teach. Being with you changed me and I don't like the person I became. I don't blame you for that, Lucas. That was on me. However, I do think that if I am ever going to find myself again that I need to stop trying to be the person that my relationship with you had caused me to become. I need to stop trying to make this relationship work simply because I am afraid to admit that I made a mistake. Running from fear got me to this point and facing fear is the only way to move away from it, even if that means I end up alone."
Elizabeth stopped talking. Lucas looked from her hands to her face. He saw a peace in her expression even in the midst of the sadness.
"May I speak now?" Lucas asked gently.
A tiny smile came to her face as Elizabeth nodded in reply.
Reaching out, Lucas laid a hand on top of one of hers, stopping the nervous fidgeting with the napkin.
"You are forgiven," Lucas told her, feeling that she needed to hear those words from him more than a dismissal of the apology. "You are also not the only one needing to ask for forgiveness. I have said and done some insensitive things, especially these last few weeks. I know I have apologized or attempted to apologize, but I am doing so again. I am sorry for being insensitive to your needs and disrespectful of our relationship."
"I do care about you, Elizabeth. I want to see you happy and what I have discovered these last few months is that I am never going to be the man who can make you happy no matter how hard I try. You cannot orchestrate romance no matter how hard you try. I think I have known that for a while now, but instead of telling you how I felt I kept trying. Part of me felt like after luring you away from someone whose feelings for you appeared to go deeper than my own that I owed it to you to make this work."
"As for the lunch today, I planned on telling you that you were right yesterday on both accounts."
For the first time, Elizabeth looked up from the napkin in her hands. Lucas met her gaze, knowing the words that he was about to say would hurt her, but knowing that they had to be said.
"I never should have said what I did about Ally not being Nathan's real daughter. I know that Nathan could not love Ally more if she was his biological child. That was clear the day he came in and told me not to teach any more card tricks to children. He loves Ally in a way that I do not think I ever could a child who is not biologically mine. I am not particularly proud of that, but it is what it is. I would have provided for Jack. He would have been part of my family but you were right. Somewhere in my mind, I would have always thought of him as your son. Perhaps I simply was never meant to be a father. I do know however, that you deserve someone who can accept Jack as his son. Jack deserves someone who will love him like a son. That is not me and I hope that I did not ruin your chance at finding that someone," Lucas told her.
There were silent tears falling down Elizabeth's cheeks now. Lucas reached out and wiped them away gently.
"I have made such a mess of things," Elizabeth said.
"You had help," Lucas replied, not about to let her take all the blame in the situation. He was as much to blame as she was.
Elizabeth smiled. "I did, didn't I?" she consented.
"I know we both probably need time to move on from this, but I do hope that we can someday find our way back to the friendship that we had, Elizabeth. I did enjoy our friendship."
"I have some other relationships that I feel like I need to repair first, Lucas, but perhaps in time my heart will heal enough for that."
"I guess that is the most I can ask for," Lucas replied. He hesitated before asking his next question. "Is Nathan one of the relationships you want to repair?"
Elizabeth sighed. "As much as I would like to, now is not the time for that. Nathan is going through too much to reopen the wounds that I caused him. He needs to focus on Ally right now. As much as I want to comfort and help them both right now, considering how things are, I think the best thing I can do is to just let them be for now."
Lucas gently squeezed the hand that was resting under his. "Nathan will forgive you, Elizabeth. He still loves you. I once told him that he needed to make sure that he had both yours and Ally's best interests in mind. I realize now that I should have been taking that into consideration myself. Nathan did. He still does. I was too wrapped up in what I wanted to consider the big picture."
Elizabeth nodded. "I hope you find the right person for you, Lucas. She is out there."
"Don't give up on love quite yet yourself, Elizabeth. You deserve to be loved by someone who can love both you and your son equally."
Lucas got to his feet. They had both said what needed to be said. Now they just needed time to heal.
Placing a kiss on the top of her head, Lucas turned and headed for the steps. He knew Abigail would be back up here shortly after he left. He was thankful for that. At least Elizabeth would not have to deal with her emotions on her own. As for himself, Lucas planned on checking in with Gustav and Mike and then he was going to go home and lick his wounds. Today, the only company he wanted could be found in a bottle. Tomorrow he would find a way to face the world again. No matter what though, he was resolved not to run from his troubles.
Nathan had told him once that he was not a good fit for this town. Perhaps he wasn't. However, Lucas had come to like this little town and the people here - even Nathan Grant. Maybe he could figure out how he fit in with this town. If Henry Gowen could hold his head high after his experiences in this little town, Lucas figured he could find a way to do so as well.