Late August
17 weeks old/Four Months
Nothing fits right. Nothing fit as it used to, was the real issue. My button blouses were tight across the chest because I was nursing. My khakis were tight and pulled awkwardly around my hips, while the waistband of my skirt was also tight and dug in when I sat down. Polos were fine but awkward to try and be able to nurse in easily.
I fell to the floor with tears pouring down my face.
I had a pile of clothing that just, didn't fit. Jeans and other pants I had worn the previous year, all fit differently. I already double-checked the scale, and I hadn't gained weight, but yet nothing fit unless it was super stretchy.
Why? Why did this have to happen?
It wasn't fair.
Why did my body hate me so much? For a brief moment, I remember how it felt and while it wasn't completely obvious. I know my dad had made a quiet sweep for anything that could be potentially dangerous to me. Beyond the lone razor, I used to shave with when I admitted what I used to do. What I wanted to do, and the wanting need was much stronger than ever before.
I grab my phone, calling the first number my first finger fell on.
"Just talk to me," I say into the phone. "Just talk to me please."
"Rilla what's going on?" Olivia replies in my ear. "Are you okay? Is Owen okay?"
"Nothing fits, nothing fits anymore," I cry into my phone.
"Kwan, I'm gonna bike over to Rilla's!" Olivia shouts away from the phone but I can still hear it. "Listen to me Rilla, you are perfect, beautiful, pretty, adorable and the size of your ass or the number on that scale means nothing." She says in one breath. "Just think of Owen."
I take a deep shaky breath. She keeps talking as she bikes, even though she is out of breath, it's a twenty-minute bike ride at that.
Owen, right Owen, who was out with Ken for a walk. My family downstairs, not realizing that I was in such a moment. I had meant to take a nap but ended up seeing my old uniforms and decided that to try them on. I mean in theory, if I weighed 120 pounds, while nursing, the boobs themselves should weigh a couple each? Pants should at least fit me, right?
But they didn't.
It was Ken who finds me first out of everyone, coming back with Owen in his arms.
He swiftly put Owen down in the crib, and falls on the floor beside me, taking in the school uniforms and clothing.
"What's wrong?" He asks as I cry, realizing that I was still in my too-small blouse from school, the one wore pregnant at that, and it still strained against the buttons.
"Nothing fits," I sob. "They should fit, how can they not fit?"
"Well, having Owen changed your body a bit," Ken points out the obvious. "It's not a bad thing, if anything it made you even more beautiful," He chooses his words carefully. "I'm sure Di can work some magic to help you figure out how to make things work for you?"
"I just wanted them to fit" I cry, into his shoulder and he just held me for another good moment. Until we heard mom open the door.
"Olivia?" I can hear her rather confused by Olivias presence
"Explain later, Rilla's upstairs?" Olivia asks loudly, she is already up the stairs and at my door.
She sinks beside me on the other so I had Ken and her beside me
"Hey, hey, I'm here," she says grabbing my hands and we sit there for go knows how long. "They're just clothing, they aren't nice clothing, it's just school uniforms."
"Even my favourite jeans don't fit right anymore," I sob, choking on my words as I do.
"Then they aren't your favourite jeans anymore," Olivia tries to make me laugh, I just look at her unimpressed. "You had a baby, it's going to take time for things to go back to normal." she tries to tell me, even though they won't, this isn't just a weight thing it's just the fact my body changed on my thing.
"You didn't have to race here," I tell her. "It makes it look like you were afraid I was going to do something other than cry about things,"
Olivia looks at Ken, and only nods his head.
"Well I was worried, I didn't want you to do something you might regret later on," she says choosing her words carefully. I swear they all find out and suddenly they just expect me to do things. Okay, for a split second the thought, the memories of how it felt came flooding back to me rushed over me and it had been frightening, to say the least. I hadn't, I hadn't felt that way in so long and it did frighten me.
"What's going on," mom asks trying to figure out the situation while standing in my doorway, looking at the pile of clothing that is on my floor.
"Yeah, what's wrong?" Di says suddenly appearing next to my mom. She and Nan were visiting for the week before school started again for both of them. For Di, it was her last year which she was excited about.
"Her uniforms don't quite fit like before," Olivia speaks for me. "She just had a moment and needed a good reminder that that's okay because Owen was worth it,"
"Well, we can fix that potentially," Di says looking around. "What's happening?"
"Why don't we wait on that," Ken says next. "Let her breathe for a moment. "Why don't I take her out for a little bit? Get some fresh air and relax a bit?"
"Very well," Mom nods her head and I look at Olivia, guilty she came all the way here.
"Don't worry about me, Robby and I have a FaceTime call on the docket and I told mom I would help her clean," Olivia tells me. "Just wanted to make sure you were okay."
"I know, but you only just got back," I say quietly. She had gone out to new Quebec to see her father with her mother. It hadn't been the best visit, but from the few things she had mentioned about it on the phone, it was weird and strange to see him.
"We can talk later this week," She tells me hugging me.
"I guess I will go have a shower then," I say with a sigh.
"I'll watch Owen while you do," Ken tells me.
I hastily shower, avoiding looking at myself too long in the full body mirror as I pull on a pair of capris leggings and one of many nursing shirts I lived in. I doused my hair in dry shampoo and massaged it out before tossing it up into a ponytail. I really did need to get it cut and soon.
Ken has the diaper bag packed and ready to go, as he carefully, yet playfully talks to Owen as he puts her into the car seat.
"Don't be out too late Rilla," Mom warns me and I only half nod my head in her direction.
We end up getting an early dinner at a little cafe, a strange new experience for us. I was used to looks when I was out with Owen, but it seemed two-fold with Ken there. If I thought Walmart was bad, this was worse. It was all too easy to hear the whispers, the indecency of it. Trying to guess just how old I was, compared to Ken.
While some people were generally curious, it unnerved me when people tried to turn the car seat to see her. Or when their children with grubby hands try and touch her without permission.
"Just eat," Ken says softly. "It doesn't matter what anyone thinks anyway."
"Think the same people who would act appalled, would be even more if I fed her out in the public?" I ask quietly. Picking at my salad as I rock the car seat lightly with my other hand. He tried to get me to order something else, but I had refused but every time he just smiled when I stole a fry from his plate more than once.
"They would probably cry how indecent it is," Ken jokes. "Heavens forbid an infant nurse." He smiles at me before taking a large bite of his burger. "What's the time frame for her anyway?" He asks looking at his phone.
"She didn't wake up until 7 today, so she ate about 10:30, and then about 2ish, so any time really," I tell him looking at my phone. "But who are we kidding, she'll pretty much tell us when she's hungry."
"That she will," he nods his head.
I thought we were heading back home, or even his place after we finish dinner when Owen begins to wake up in her seat.
I look at Ken slightly confused when he pulled up to the dance studio. The dance studio of all places.
"Come on," he says, grabbing Owen and what looks to be my dance bag somehow?
Tessa is waiting for us by the door. "I'll be in the office doing paperwork, you have until 8 pm." She tells me. "Dance your heart out, crank the music if you wish to, I don't mind." She tells us as Owen cries. "Though I think someone is hungry, so dinner first for her?"
I nod my head as I lead Ken to the main studio, but sit down on the old couch outside of it.
"How?" I look at Ken.
"I called and explained you were having a day, she told me to bring you," Ken explains, handing me my dance bag. "I asked what you may need, I hope I grabbed that right stuff."
"Thank you," I say as he shows me what he packed for me. Things like my pointe shoes, a pair of toe pads with a few other little things. I hand him Owen to burp when she finishes and I make quick work of tidying myself up and tying on my shoes.
He comes into the studio with me, a blanket on the floor with some Toys for Owen. I do few quick plies at the bar, warming up my body. Music, I needed music? I plug my phone into the stereo, letting it play on shuffle.
Then I dance, I dance, twirl, jump until I am out of breath.
I wave and do tricks for Owen who is watching me so intently as she usually does. Though it's never in such a big room with all the mirrors. She cries feeling left out, so I dance with her as I usually do, gently of course since she had just eaten until she has enough and snuggles with Ken.
I take a break after a good run of dancing. Taking a long gulp of water and do it all over again. Letting out all the pent-up emotions and frustrations, and as I spot myself in the mirror I feel like myself for a split second. I wasn't in a leotard, a bodysuit or tights, but I looked like me, and I felt the old me and while it was reassuring to know she was still there within me.
I see Ken talking to Tessa quietly from the doorway as he held Owen. There was a look on his face I couldn't quite place as they talked. Occasionally turning to me, and quietly watching, eventually, she went back to her office and Ken came and sat with Owen who was sleeping somehow.
The song changed and I could feel the lyrics in my soul at this point.
My body contorts, bends to the point of breaking points as my pointe shoes pound above the music. I want to feel like how the music tells me how to feel, I want the anguish that haunts my mind to disappear.
I want nothing more for the impossible, and for the impossible to be a reason to fight.
I don't know how I came across the song, but right now it was mine. It wasn't my typical music, but it was like it knew I needed it. Music always does this to me, when it hits it hits hard. Disturbed was one of my brother's bands, not mine but it never felt more resonating.
Those thoughts I had earlier, the never-ending critiques about my own body that came whenever I saw something I didn't like. I never expected them not to fit, they had to fit and I wasn't ready when didn't.
So I act on a stage, as if I'm an actress, but instead of words, I have movement as I convey every sort of hurt one might feel. Reaching out, the look of agony, running away, only to be pulled to the centre of it again once more. Anguish, and angular movements as I go through impromptu steps.
Don't let it take your soul
Look at me take control
When knowing to fight this war
This is nothing worth dying for
I didn't think having Owen would change make as it did, I think to myself as I fouetté until I am dizzy. I lose my balance stumbling until I roll myself into some move that I am sure wouldn't have saved a competition. But it saved Ken from rushing forward to me as I pull out some knee spins. Before rotating my right leg out and down beside as a slide to sitting on my hip, being rising gracefully as I could.
I catch Owen watching me with the beginning of a tired look on her face on Ken's shoulder as he gently bounced and rocked her to sleep on his shoulder. Her little thumb in her mouth as she watched, which eventually will be her whole hand if he doesn't pay attention to her thumb sucking.
I hug Tessa as a silent thank you, to which she whispers
"Any time Rilla, just call."
I find myself lying across Ken's couch as we watched a movie, not wanting to go home. Owen was sleeping in the crib that Ken had for her with the door open. It feels all too familiar which I hadn't expected, it's been so long since I had been over. Scattered around the place were photos of Owen, even some of me and Owen, the three of us. It feels so long ago since I had spent two weeks here, how long those last weeks felt and now it all felt like a fuzzy memory in my head.
We silently watch, the beginning of Lord of the Rings( mainly for me) until Owen wakes up and wants to nurse again.
"Are you feeling better," Ken says bringing me a cup of water that he leaves off to the side for me. I try to nod my head as Owen pulls at my hair while she nursed.
"Oww," I tell her, as Ken helps me detangle the curl from her grasp. "I am, I think it was just the day," I tell him truthfully. I had an evening counselling appointment the night before and this week was a bit more intense than the last time.
"You know my counsellor took one look at me, my history and asked me how I felt about my body. Did I like it? What did I love about it? Beyond telling her that it gave me Owen, I couldn't give her much of an answer." I tell him quietly. He never asked about counselling, of course, but I feel safe enough with him that I don't particularly mind telling him little things randomly.
"Well, she's good at reading people then," Ken says. "Just seeing you in that state, wasn't on my top list of things I thought I see."
"What were you and Tessa talking about?" I ask him to change the subject.
"You actually,' Ken admits. "She said she missed seeing you dance over the past year. I told her this one of the few times I got to watch you."
I nod my head.
"She also said she never understood your parent's reluctance to let you dance professionally. Considering you have so much natural grace and with that comes talent. You learned things so easily and just made it look effortless." Ken tells me. "I actually got the impression that she may find them a bit snobby at times like academics are better than arts for jobs. I think she alluded to some of the other parents being oddly glad when your pregnancy was revealed. Something about knocking your parents down a peg or something about having a perfect academic family. Not that your parents aren't lovely of course. No one knows the inner dynamics of your family of course."
I snort out loud. "Well, considering that they make Di take business classes, and Shirley has to go to teachers college just to study music. She's not wrong, they aren't entirely wrong. They want us to have stable careers, I can get that, but not everyone is going to be super smart or want that sort of life." I tell him. "I am oddly surprised she told you that about my dancing. Tessa believes in a positive approach to teaching, but she also wasn't one to hand out compliments like candy either," I explain.
"Does it feel strange?" Ken asks next.
"Dancing on pointe?" I ask him. "It's not super comfortable but you get used to it, though it can be completely horrid if you have ill-fitting shoes," I tell him
"I mean Owen, nursing," he says, his ears turning red a bit. He was feeling much more relaxed in his place it seemed. I fixed my shirt as Owen decided she had enough.
"If you had someone suck on your nipples for what ends up being hours of the day how would think it feels?" I look at him as I patted Owens back waiting for her to burp. "I'm sure some girl you dated some once sucked on them before, just up the intensity for a few, and time length by a 100 and that would your answer?"
Ken chokes a little at my words. "Yeah, I don't recall much but I feel like you were the only person in that setting who has been oddly fascinated with my male nipples," Ken tells me. "I mean, I guess it's some guy's thing?"
I blush bright red groaning, how horrible had I been? "So cosmo lied about it all?"
Ken chuckles. "Cosmo magazine lies about a lot of things Rilla."
"Well, how am I supposed to know?" I rebut to him as I get up and lay Owen on the blanket beside us, already halfway on way to sleep again. I stand there for a moment, as I feel Ken come up behind me as I look at all the baby photos on the wall with me. "Isn't it all trial and error anyway? Practice makes perfect? Just figuring out what you like? Not that I figured much out, but I had enough experience to miss it. Then again I have the world's best reminder for birth control, beside us, so I probably shouldn't?" I rattle off. Feeling more naive and silly and my age for the first time in a while.
"Rilla don't worry so much," Ken tells me softly and I look up at him.
I don't know what came over me, but I grabbed him by his shirt and kissed him, not like new Year. Not like the kiss he gave me when Owen was born, but a full-on kiss and it made my heart flutter. While for the briefest moment he kissed me back, his hand falling on my hips, gripping my shirt for a brief moment before he realized what we were doing.
"Rilla," he says in a low voice that makes my heart thump in my chest. Maybe the lady in the park was right? It is far too easy for things to happen? It takes another moment for him to say something. As if he decides what he wants to do.
"I've seen you forget to take your birth control, so even if this was an option. Which it is not, it still be a no," Ken said awkwardly teasing me and trying to let me down easily. "But I get it, I do, the whole missing its thing, all while being terrified of something happen might happen again. But this can't happen, not now."
I sigh. "God what are friends even for if you can't even help each other out." I joke, trying not to let emotions get the better of me. Trying not to cry at rejection from him.
"Most friends don't go around fucking each other Rilla, it only just complicates things. I think I learned that lesson with Maggie who always wanted to be just friends, it was only ever Vegas so to speak with her. Unless it was convenient to her" Ken tells me getting up and pacing for a moment.
"Is that your subtle way of telling me to just be patient?" I raise an eyebrow.
Ken shrugs one of his shoulders. "It's whatever you want it to be, but you, me, the easy way to use each other for gratification we can't do that. Not with her in the picture, Rilla"
"So at first it was my age, then hormones, and now it's we can't mess this up?" I ask him pouting.
"It's a dozen of things all put together, Rilla you know that," Ken replies running his hand through his hair. "But you know it's true, which is why you aren't fighting it really."
I can only sigh and look at the time. "I should get home," I tell him not knowing what else there is to say about it.
Ken only nods his head and we slowly pack up Owen's things and but managed to put her in her car seat without waking her.
When we came through the door, Dad was still waiting for us.
"It's almost midnight," he states at us. "Just because she can sleep anywhere, doesn't mean she should be out at all hours, or in her car seat for that long," Dad warns us. "Responsibility doesn't mean that you can come and go as you please without a curfew."
"We just were at his place, she wasn't in her car seat the entire time," I object. "We watched a movie, played on the floor, showed her room at his place, slowly get her used to being there. You knew where I was?" Leaving out the dancing part for now.
"Are you staying the night?" Dad looks at Ken, who looks at me and I shrug and dad gives us a long look and once over. "Something happened tonight?"
"No," we both say in unison. "I'm gonna put Owen in her crib," I tell them.
"I will help, then go home," Ken says grabbing my bags and I can feel dad watch us. I get her out of her car seat and change her, and then into fresh pyjamas
"Her stuffy is my car," Ken says. "I'll go grab it."
"You know she can't sleep with it?" I raise an eyebrow.
"But she'll want it tomorrow at playtime," Ken says with a shrug and leaves the room to go retrieve it.
I put Owen in her sleep sack and lay her down in the crib and yawn myself. It was quiet as I went to go to the stairs looking at old photographs, waiting for Ken to come back with the stuffed dinosaur.
"Body Dysmorphia after pregnancy is common enough Anne. It took you quite a bit of time to adjust after Joy even after Jem, She looks fine to me though," I can hear dad tell a mom who I guess was also awake.
"You didn't see her Gilbert. She was shaking, over school uniforms it's not like we wouldn't buy her new ones if needed. Even the way Olivia flew over surprised me," Mom tells him
"She has a freaking eating disorder!" I hear Ken blurt out and I lean against the wall, anger boiling up inside of me. "She's had it for a while, you just never noticed it, because she did it so gradually that you never pick up on it."
"I think I would know if my daughter had issues with food," My father says rather stoically calm. "I am a doctor."
"Yet you missed everything else?" Ken pokes at him.
"You better watch your tone, Kenneth. I get you to care her, and I can't stop you from seeing Owen, but I can make it that you have no contact with Rilla more than necessary."
"You not even listening to me, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not calling it the right thing, but all I know is that her relationship with food isn't healthy at all." Ken groans. "It took me less than a month to see it and it was terrifying! I was constantly trying to get her to eat more than a damn vegetable. Watching as her doctor never fully addressed it because I am sure it was not to stress Rilla out. Though she was constantly stressing that she needed to eat more, gain more weight." Ken doesn't stop. "Do you know it bloody killed me asking for Thursday night for myself? Because I know you're at work, and Anne has her book clubs and unless someone is actually around to tell her to eat, she won't and just tell you she does. Or if she does it's just a salad?"
"Hey! I have a baby upstairs trying to sleep." I stalk down the stairs growl and snap at them before looking at Ken "I know I'm messed up in the head and hell I'm trying to work on it. But you don't get to go around making choices for me about who knows, because I did something you didn't like." I direct to Ken who winces.
"And you! You don't get to threaten him like that!" I turn to Dad.
"What did you do?" Mom asks speaking up for the first time and I groan.
"Nothing that matters to anyone besides us, and no I didn't sleep with him so don't go thinking that either," I stress to both of them. "Now I am going to bed, so I can get a few hours of sleep before someone decides to be hungry," I tell them. "You can pick up Owen tomorrow night and take her out for an hour or two before dinner. Though I really don't want to see your face right now," I tell Ken grabbing the stuffed dinosaur from him and going back upstairs.
I'm sure there will be another long talk tomorrow.
So I had some fun with this one, maybe too much fun of unexpected kisses, and some self-sabotage because it's the only way to stop things from happening in somebody's mind(clearly not healthy but it happened).
Hope everyone had a good week and has a good week!
Song she was dancing to was A reason to fight by Disturbed.
Tina