Thank you to Lils, as always your comments make my day!
I stay up in my room as long as I can, Owen keeps me on my toes, not wanting to sleep most of the night. Waking every two hours, not wanting to sleep and just cry. It was mostly a dance of feed until she sleeps, only for her to wake up an hour later. So as the sun rises, I just lay on my bed with her on my chest. Half asleep and unsure of what was going to happen this morning.
On my phone, I had a dozen of messages from Ken trying to apologize for his outburst that I ignored.
"It's breakfast time," Mom says from my doorway at 8 am.
"Tired," I say half-heartedly.
"Well, your father has to be at work for 11 so unfortunately you're getting up," Mom tells me not letting me argue.
I drag myself downstairs slowly, placing Owen in her swing, letting her chill out beside me. As I pour myself some coffee and blow on it as I try to take a large gulp. Mom puts a bowl of oatmeal, and fruit down in front of me as I sit down.
They let me eat the majority of my breakfast, and wait until I am merely playing with my food until they approach the subject.
"We just want to understand, why Ken said those things last night. Your doctor mentioned once that you were having trouble gaining weight when you went in for bleeding. Generally, most doctors don't judge on weight gain during pregnancy so we never said anything. Your mother had pregnancies where she gained sixty pounds, to a lone twenty pounds, but Ken said that she was constantly stressing for you to gain weight which makes me worried?" Dad starts.
"We just want to know where this all stems from?" They ask me, trying to understand me, the twisted tunnels that were in my mind. It's all bound together in different ways and there is no way I could ever explain it to them?
"Rilla we can't help you if you don't talk to us?" Mom urges me as I focus on Owen who jumps to get my attention for a moment. "We know you love to dance, but if it's hurting you? We need to look at the bigger picture."
"It wasn't dance," I say swiftly. "Not in the grand scheme of things."
"Yet it's been slowly hurting you?" Mom says confused and I shake my head.
"Dance, hasn't hurt me, He hurt me. He made a already self-conscious girl more self-conscious of her body. I didn't want the boobs, or hips I suddenly had, and Dance gave me the excuse I needed for you to let me do what I wanted without it seeming out of place. Dance is the only thing to actually keeps me sane," I plead with them. It's so complicated that I can't explain it even to myself. "You can't take dance away from me."
Dad sighs resting his head in his hand. "You going vegetarian?"
I nod my head. "At first, you let me become vegetarian if I ate some fish or seafood. Then I got you to let me cut out eggs and then it was dairy. " I say quietly. I can see it all connecting in their heads now. Everything in the puzzle making sense in their mind, the missing pieces I hid from them when I told them about Issac.
"The cutting?" Mom asks quietly.
"The less my thighs touched, the less it hurt, the less it hurt the small I got," I said quietly.
"Anything else we should know about, purging, binging?" Dad asks.
I only shake my head. "I don't like throwing up, you know that."
"We thought we knew you fairly well up until last year," Mom reminds me quietly.
"I'm making you a doctor's appointment, so we can figure out where you stand from all this," Dad tells me and then looks at mom. "Perhaps we along with your private counselling, we can have a session or two as a family? Try to find common ground and find a way to understand and help you address this so you don't feel this way you do about your body?"
I only nod my head, knowing it was useless to try and get them to change their mind at this point.
Nan and Di yawn as they come carrying their coffee cups. "Are we allowed more coffee?" They ask my parents who nod their heads.
"We'll continue this another day," Mom tells me getting up. "Finish your breakfast," she tells me.
"I'm finished," I tell her getting up and scraping out the last bits of cold oatmeal and rinsed out my bowl and put it in the dishwasher. I grab Owen from the swing, who doesn't appreciate the move but her diaper needs changing and I need to pee.
"Happy Birthday," I tell my sisters, giving them a quick hug, there would be dinner later for them tonight. "Can you tell your Aunties, Happy Birthday?" I say quietly to her and she just looks at them with her thumb in her mouth as I kiss her temple sweetly.
"Thank you," Nan and Di say with a smile as they both give Owen covered foot a shake, and curls a soft caress before letting me pass.
I spend my morning quietly, playing with Owen quietly in my room before she went down for her nap.
"Want me to look at your uniforms?" Di asks quietly from the doorway. I only nod my head, and she goes over to the pile of clothing.
"Where's Nan?" I ask looking for my brunette sister.
"Jerry picked her up for church," Di said flatly as she went through my pile of clothing looking at the inside seams of things.
"I didn't realize she was going to church regularly," I say slightly shocked and Di just shrugged.
"I think I can do a couple of things with these," Di tells me taking a large pile of uniforms from my bed. "I'll pull out the old machine I have here and do what I can and hope it works for you. If not mom will have to take you to get new things, though I have a feeling, you would have to get things taken in if you go up a size."
I only nod my head. "I'm sorry your birthday weekend has turned out to be not as you thought it would be," I tell her quietly.
"It's all good, You know size is just a number right? That every few decades they change sizing on women's clothing that it makes no sense at all anymore." Di tells me kindly.
"Well, tell that to the girls change room when wearing anything over a 5/6 in juniors is made fun of. Yet if you're skinny enough to wear a size 3, you're suddenly stuck up and a princess," I tell her with a sigh.
Di looks at me and just hugs me. "Is it that bad these days?"
I shrug my shoulders.
"I'm gonna take a nap, I'm sure you heard that someone didn't sleep well last night," I say half apologizing. "I think she's teething?" I tell her, though half unsure of myself though.
"It wasn't that bad," Di tries to tell me, but I know the truth.
I fall on my bed and pull up my blankets around me, listening quietly for the soft breath of my baby who was in her crib. Letting it lull me to sleep, thinking back to the days when I would stay up and listen to her breathe.
I'm awake slightly confused, and by the time on my phone. It's hours later and I panic for a moment when I realize I don't hear Owen breathing because Owen isn't in her crib, but her sleep sack is hanging on the railing. Someone must have come and got her to let me sleep?
I make my way downstairs, running into Nan who had tears running down her face.
"What's wrong Nana?" I ask Nan, calling her by her old nickname for her as I see her trying to wipe away stray tears.
"Nothing," she said say automatically. "I'm fine."
"You're crying, on your birthday, no less," I point out, as I pull her over to the couch. "What's wrong?"
"Jerry proposed," Nan says quietly and I tilt my head. Nan wasn't even 21? Why would Jerry propose?
"He asked me to marry him and all I could say or think was he's doesn't know, he doesn't know me and if he did he would think differently." Nan lets it out.
"You told him?" I ask quietly and Nan nods her head.
"What going on?" Mom says from behind us holding the never-ending basket of laundry, while Dad had Owen in his arms. "Nan, why are you crying?"
"I think I just broke up with Jerry," Nan says trembling.
"Oh, my dear!" Mom gasps, tossing aside the laundry basket as she pulls Nan into a hug. "What happened?"
Dad passes me Owen, who instantly starts nuzzling me and I sigh. How was she always hungry, but she smelt baby fresh as I kissed the top of her head and cuddled her, discreetly letting her nurse in the corner of the room.
"He asked me to marry him," Nan sobs and for a moment Mom freezes.
"He proposed?" Mom's voice catches as she sits down next to Nan, "Nana, you're only twenty-one, you're in school? I mean I suppose you could have a long engagement, but you think he would wait until you finished school?"
Nan sniffled and shook her head. "He thought I would just drop out of school, and just be his little preacher's wife."
"Pardon?" Dad says clearly shocked, as was I. Surely Jerry realized that our family was not raised that way.
"I thought it was just talk, I didn't realize he was serious. It was all hypothetical, I mean I'm twenty-one years old!" Nan cries as I look at dad, who looks at me. "So I humoured him, it was nice imagining things, but he was serious! He showed up with this ring, and I just stared at him, okay maybe it could be a long engagement? I mean we've been together for less than a year!"
"What happened next?" I ask, for my parents who seem to be in shock.
"He went on about getting married and starting a family and I was like hold up! Who said anything about kids? I have another two years of school!" Nan hiccups. "Then I was like even if we did get married, I'm not even sure if I want kids, and if I did, it might be years down the road?"
"Which is fair and your choice," Mom said rubbing her back.
"Then he said birth control was wrong, a sin and that it should be up to god. I looked at him like he had two heads, telling him birth control does many things for a woman. That I was on birth control for my own medical reasons, and I needed it. He wouldn't stand down, he kept trying to tell me I would change my mind," Nan said quietly.
"You told him?" Dad says looking at her. Nan looks at him confused. "They direct bill, Nan it went to our inbox."
"You know?" Nan's voice goes high. "You never said anything?"
"Well, we didn't know exactly which one of you it was, it was just the receipt with the prescription on it they sent in. We figured if you wanted us to know, you would tell us. If not you are allowed to your own medical privacy." Dad tells her simply.
I get up after transferring Owen to my shoulder. I rummage through the freezer until I find the container of cherry chip ice cream. I put Owen down for a moment and scooped out a few spoonfuls before I picked up Owen once more.
Nan looks at me, as I hold out the bowl of ice cream to her, but takes it from me with a small thank you.
Mom ends up taking Nan up to her room to talk more privately. Which leaves Dad watching me, as I lay on the floor with Owen for a little bit.
"You slept through lunch," he tells me.
"Well, dinner is soon enough," I say automatically, It was two now after all.
"Rilla," Dad says my name in a warning tone.
"Forcing me to eat isn't going to fix the situation," I remind him and he sighs as my phone beeps.
It's Ken which I toss aside and do not bother answering.
"What time is dinner?" I ask as the Twins asked to go out to the Marina restaurant for dinner. Since it was just the four of us kids here.
"At five," Dad tells me. I nod my head as I get up, grabbing Owen.
"I'm gonna take her out for a walk then," I tell him as I gather her up. I stop as I hear mom.
"Owen, I am fairly certain that Rilla didn't mean what she said," Mom says into the phone coming down the stairs, rubbing her temple. "Ken is welcome here anytime to see Owen, but it's up to Rilla if she wants to be around him or not when he is," She explains to him and she is quiet for a long moment.
"Well, maybe if your son needs to learn some control, or find a better way to communicate than trying to hurt her so she hates him whenever they have a moment. She might not say things like that to him," Mom continues, defending me and she's quiet for a moment.
"Oh, did he not tell you the full story? That he pretty much purposely told us things knowing we had no idea about them? There's context to everything Owen? ( Another pause) Yes, that is what I thought ( another short pause). Now Owen it's the 21st century, telling a young woman, who is also my daughter to keep her lips to herself isn't exactly an answer. When he kissed her back," Mom warns him.
She looks at me, and mouths to me 'Answer him' with a stern look. 'Now'
I sigh and grab my phone, I look at the dozen of missed calls and messages from Ken.
His last one is a simple can we please talk?
I just type FINE and leave it at that.
"Trust me, Owen I look forward to that day as well," Mom tells him. "I think we all misjudged how complicated this would be for everyone involved," she agrees. "Though please remember, Rilla isn't your ex-wife. She's a teenage girl trying to figure out motherhood, life and school all at the same time. She will mistakes because she is growing up. She may say things she might not exactly mean, give her an ounce of grace before you think she's being unfair."
Mom hangs up the phone as I was pulling on my shoes. "Where are you going?"
"Out for a walk?" I say quietly. "You know fresh air, all the jazz, it's good for Elowen," I explain, using her full name since mom had just been talking to Owen, her grandfather.
"Why don't you see if your sister wants to go with you?" Mom replies.
"Sure," I say as I fish out my phone and text Nan, and a ping later, and another moment later a red face Nan comes down the stairs.
I clip on the baby carrier and stick my daughter in it, with much more ease than I used to have.
We walk quietly down the street, up to the park. She talks the diaper bag from me to give me a small break. We walk the old trail, the one that brings us closer to the coastline.
It takes a moment for Nan to talk.
"You know, he said he would forgive me, forgive for my indiscretions and temptations that lead me astray." Nan tells me frowning. "That if I asked for forgiveness, that would it be granted. That we could go on and get married and my past mistakes would be forgiven by him."
"Are you saying that you and Jerry never?" I ask my eyes going wide with pieced together information. Thinking back to all the times when she dodged my question. We all knew Jerry was the poster boy for his father's Church but did he expect Nan to be a virgin? Nan had boyfriends, Nan was pretty with her dark hair and creamy skin that didn't freckle. Nan had a tiny waist and a figure that seemed perfect.
"We never talked much about sex, it was just off the table and I was happy to respect that. I didn't know, I didn't think, he knew I had boyfriends me before?" She says getting angrier. "It's so ridiculous, I know I'm modest and I'm quiet, but to just assume that I would fill his role of a pretty little housewife? He didn't even bother to ask."
"You seemed to argue a lot?" I ask her cautiously.
"I didn't always agree with his theology or his views," Nan said with a short nod of her head. "I tried to respect them, but over time I found it ridiculous?"
"Why didn't break up then?" I ask her.
"I don't know? Despite our differences, we got along well enough. Plus after Kyle, I just wanted something simple. At least I didn't have to worry about getting pregnant again?" Nan says with a sigh.
We walk back slowly to the house and Ken is waiting on the front porch for us.
Nan looks at me, and I shake my head. I'm a big girl, I can do this? Right?
I could do this?
"She needs to feed before you take her," I tell him. I don't feel comfortable anymore doing that in front of him so before he could follow me into my room I shut my door in his face and I hear him sigh.
He's sitting out my door when I finally open it and walk back to my bed and set down with Owen in my lap with a new outfit to wear beside me.
"Rilla, please I am sorry, I shouldn't have," he starts.
"Just get to the point," I say cooly, still hurt over what he had told my parents.
"Rilla, none of this is easy for me either. I spent the morning calling my Dad, Mom, hell I even called Thea, who works in family law and child welfare. We have essentially two options and I'm not sure if I feel comfortable with the one," he tells me.
I look at him as he watches me.
"Our first option is that we need to find a way to just co-exist and respect boundaries without acting on any fleeting feelings. I can't keep leading you on. We can't keep playing this game we're playing." He tells me, before taking a deep breath. "Our second option came from Thea, to just stop caring what other people think of us. That maybe it would just fizzle out because the forbidden fruit is a whole lot more tempting than something that isn't." He speaks carefully, "I can't do the second one, it just doesn't sit right for me. But I—we can't keep doing this, so it needs to end. It won't do us any favours and living in the what if, maybe one day isn't working for use either."
"So it comes down to what you want only?" I object, "I'm seventeen Ken, a year away from eighteen, that magical number that allows me to vote, buy lottery tickets, drink in some provinces. I am legally responsible for another human being, I am pretty much an adult, yet you still treat me as if I'm a child. The only person making this difficult for you is your issues."
"My conscience still deserves to be respected Rilla," Ken reminds me gently. "I don't want regret things if we go into something beyond friendship right now. I don't want to wake up one day hating each other because we resent each other or regret things. I don't want our little girl growing up with us we hating each other because we rushed into things. I want you to experience life, I want you to do things without having to factor me in along with Owen."
"But I'm going to have to factor you in and you-me, because either if you're ever offered a job somewhere, or I don't get into any school on the island. What happens then Ken? She barely sees one of us?" I argue back as I button up the dress on my wiggling daughter.
"Then we address those things when it happens, as parents who co-parent. But right now, out of the options we have. The one you want isn't going to work for me, which means you to accept that and respect my decision. Essentially it's a hard no on that front of anything romantic. I will always be your friend because she needs us to be friends, but it can't be more Rilla, we can't be more than that. And this isn't a time-sensitive thing, this is my decision. I am sorry about last night, it wasn't my place or right for me to do that to you with your parents. But this decision will also keep anything like that happening again from me."
I hand him Owen and her bag.
"Have her back by seven-thirty," I tell him. "I have to get ready for the twin's birthday dinner."
"Rilla—?"
"Loud and clear Ken, I heard you loud and clear," I cut him off. "Now get out of my room, you can take her out tomorrow night," I tell him. "But I mean it when I say I don't want to see you right now." Ken merely nods and leaves the room.
I take a deep breath, trying to not cry. I'm not allowed to cry, I had nothing to cry over.
Instead, I change in of my dresses and slip on some ballerina flats that matched the light blue crepe dress.
It was safe to say that dinner is a gloomy affair, Nan isn't in the mood, and I'm angry and about to cry. Presents are simple, money mostly as they were old, but they go a gold chain each though from Mom and Dad. I had got Di a gift card to a fabric store, while Nan to the bookstore.
My stomach flip-flops my salad all the way home, enough that I turn on the water tap and sit by the toilet. Remembering all the times I threw up when I was pregnant, and this morning when I told Dad this wasn't something I did. I sit there for a good five minutes before I gave up.
It was Nan that comes with Owen. I can hear Ken ask about me and Mom stops him from going up the stairs.
"Leave her be Ken, I know you did what you needed to do for yourself, but let her be." I hear her tell him.
I look at Nan who holds Owen, I reach for her and cuddle and drink her baby scent. I run through bedtime like a robot with Nan's help. As I try not to cry. I couldn't cry, what was there to cry about? Nan had a real excuse to cry. I shouldn't feel like this? It's not like we were really anything right?
But it still hurts.
Why does it hurt?
I cry anyway as soon as soon as Owen is safely in her crib and asleep. Nan wraps her arms around me as I moved over to my small bed. Sometimes sisters are the dearest creatures. There was no game, of who hurt more right now. It was just pain all around so we cry about it.
Thank you to Kslchen for helping me dissect Ken over the week. It helped greatly when it wasn't going that well for me, but I think I got it to the point where it's heartbreaking, but also very much needed firm line.
I promise that one day...in the future they will have their moment, for all the shippers out there. But right now its not the right time for that.
Hope everyone had a lovely week!
Tina