Lils- Thank you as always!

Guest-Thank you and if you enjoy the 'All too well' reference you should hopefully enjoy this chapter as well! Rilla is slowly surviving life, but it will get better over time, but it won't be just yet!

Bookwork- I'm not entirely sure why you are thinking this is over, it still has a good amount of chapters left to come. But thank you for your comment!

September

Four Months/19 Weeks old

IF solo counselling was strange and awkward at times, going with your parents is ten times even more so on Friday evening.

I sit in-between them, there isn't much talking at first. I had a few moments alone before they joined in. The lady asked if there was anything I didn't wish to talk about, or her possibly bring up to them for this one session. Though nothing was off-limits to my parents to ask me, questions were always directed at me.

We didn't talk about my eating, though we touched on my early body issues, the nicknames and teasing that only made me feel worse. After all, we had to go back to the beginning for everything to make sense, truly make sense.

While my parents spoke of the time leading up, their own regrets with what they had missed. They didn't make excuses, they just said what I already knew maybe a few new things here and there. Though they also brought up Ken and their feelings on the whole situation, and how things were at the moment. How it hurt them to see me hurt sort of thing. Though they also were relieved that we weren't constantly being tortured by the unattainable, unrealistic aspects of our relationship, or lack-there-of one. Or as Ken put it, 'do things we may regret one day.

When it was over, feeling more vulnerable than I thought possible, to my own great surprise they didn't even try to push ice cream or anything on me afterwards. I sat in the back of the car, mom keeps looking back at me every few minutes.

Dad stops at Ken's on the way home and I slide out of the car, taking a deep breath as I text him. It takes a moment, and I can feel my parents watching us, even though they are pretending not to.

Ken is holding our crying daughter, I reach for her instinctively. I had just fed her before dropping her off not two hours ago, yet I can feel my breasts tingle from her cries alone.

I look to my parents, and I look to Ken. "I'll give you a ride home later," he says quietly. "Just go up, I'll let them know," he tells me.

Part of me doesn't want to, but I'm just about to soak through my bra. I only nod my head and go up to his place. I hide away in the small nursery.

"You had plenty for dinner, so why are you so hungry?" I ask Owen, catching her gaze as she nurses. I hear Ken lock the door, and most likely look around for me.

"Rilla?" He knocks on the slightly open door, I'm sitting in a wing-back chair, barely illuminated by the glow lamp that spun the night sky around us.

He leaves us be, going to tidy up or study, I think I saw books on his table. He was supposed to be going for his master's this year.

I look back down at Owen, who was guzzling my milk it seemed. Daycare wasn't going to be easy the next little while if she feeding this much from a growth spurt.

I sigh and hum lightly before I sing softly to her, forgetting exactly where I was for the moment.

'Calm like the ocean
After the storm
Oh little one, I could stare at you forever

The gentle waves that had followed a bellowing storm
You stole my heart and refuse to give it back
But it was yours to take,

Deep in shining waters, with all the ripples of the undertow
I will follow as you go,
Watching as you grow in all currents that seem too strong

As the golden sun turns into the silver moon
My fluttering reflection Is what guides you home
You will return to me as you always do

As I am the beacon that brings you home'

I let my voice fade out, as l fall deeper in love with her than I thought possible.

"I don't know that one," Ken admits quietly from the doorway, holding some baby things in his hands.

"You wouldn't since I wrote it," I tell him quietly, still avoiding his gaze. It shouldn't be all that shocking, my mother and one of my brothers write, even Shirley writes songs time to time. "Though Ms. Brooke thinks it's silly and nonsensical and not at all the assignment, though it was an assignment to write something that we cherished."

"Did you explain why you wrote it?" Ken frowns.

I shrug lightly not to disturb our daughter. "It doesn't matter, it wasn't really for marks," I tell him. This is partly a lie, it had been graded, I just couldn't explain why after realizing she had no idea that I had had a baby. Somehow it was not something she had picked up on. For the number of times, I was late, she just saw me as some principals kid who thought she was better than the rest.

"Rilla, how long are you going to freeze me out?" He asks.

"However long it takes for it not to hurt," I say quietly. I know he hears me, as I can hear him sigh. He put whatever he was holding away before pausing at the doorway.

"Let me know when you're ready to go," Ken says unsure of how to respond. I was allowed to have my feelings as much as he was allowed to have his.

I nod my head, wanting to tell him I'll just walk but that wouldn't fly with him even if it's only eight in the evening, not when it would take 45 minutes to get home. I look down at Owen who had unlatched herself, complete with a milk-drunk look on her face.

"Aren't you a smarty face," I tell her, fixing my shirt? I rub her back until she burps for me as I walk across the floor of Ken's small nursery. Baby photos, the one his cousin took for use when she was still a tiny newborn. I had the same set in my room, and mom had one in her office as well.

I grab my bag and settle Owen on my hip.

I pass him, Owen, to put in the car seat. "I just need to pee then we can leave?"

Ken nods his head taking Owen and I turn to the washroom. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I sigh. My face was still fairly puffy from crying at the office and my hair is pulled back in a large messy bun that I had fastened this morning in my hair.

I go about my business and wash my hands. It all feels so long ago when I had been stuck here with him. When the atmosphere around us was very different, riddled with the anxiety of the arrival of our baby when we danced around each other not caring how we felt because we felt it.

We leave in silence as Ken carries the car seat and clips her into the seat.

"I'll drop her off tomorrow after school?" I tell him as he drives the short drive to my house. "Thank you again for taking her for a few hours."

"It's what I'm here for," Ken reminds me. "I'll be there if traffic cooperates, if not you have a key," He reminds me as he pulls into the driveway.

"I got it," I tell him, as he moves to get out to help me with Owen. I grab the car seat and shut the door. "Tomorrow then," I say with a curt nod of my head to him before going up the walkway.

I put Owen to bed and grab my journal scribbling down my shattered thoughts and adjusted my numbers for the day. Old habits die hard, and while my parents have clearly tried to help me, or find ways to help me. It hasn't helped much. I look at pile of homework and sigh grabbing the top one on the pile and worked through it. By 9:30 I had pushed it aside and crawled into bed to get some sleep before Owen would wake me up at some point, and by six am. I was up, stretched out, Owen was fed and guzzled down some smoothie and avocado toast Dad made for me before we left.

It was Dad on his way to work that dropped me off at the dance studio. While it was Mom that picked me up before going on her way to whatever she had planned for the day. Paired together with two quiet conversations with Ken, I needed coffee in an IV drip to survive this year.

But daycare was expensive, and I missed the normalcy of school in many ways. Plus despite my initial freak out, it felt like my uniforms were already too big after Di had fixed them for me. Maybe not the blouses, but my pants and skirts were looser.

I laid Owen down for her nap and decided to work on the other homework I had. Piano, because my flute broke and now I was stuck stumbling through the piano. All because Mr. Drew knew I had a small amount of piano in my background. If playing Fur Elise, and some random songs that my brother showed me how to play was knowledge?

I hit the keys in frustration, bass clef was not something I was used to sight-reading.

"Hey, what did my piano do to you, it has feelings you know that right?" Shirley tells me walking from the basement.

"My flute broke and apparently I am proficient enough….aka able to play two songs to play the piano in music class," I tell him.

"Pushover," Shirley tells me. "This is middle C," he says like I am a child. "That is D flat or C#."

"I know that!" I say nudging his shoulder.

"Okay okay, start slow and choose a better and easier song. Taylor might be all easy on the guitar but a piano is different," Shirley tells me looking at the old book of piano music.

"It says easy piano!" I exclaim.

Shirley sighs and looks at it, and within a moment he's playing it and to me, it looks simple enough. Until I try it and it's broken like jagged glass when I hit the wrong key.

"Sing," Shirley says quietly, picking up at the beginning of the song.

"People like you always want back the love they gave away

And people like me wanna believe you when you say you've changed

The more I think about it now the less I know

All I know is that you drove us off the road

Hey, all you had to do was stay

Had me in the palm of your hand

Then why'd you have to go and lock me out when I let you in?"

I sing or try to anyway. What I felt playing the flute, even more, pronounced, I had no breathing strength.

"You always had the best voice of the family," Shirley says. "You just need to build up strength again, your diaphragm most likely got too comfortable when you, well pregnant with Owen. Some practice will bring it back over time," he explains to me.

I watch her look through an old milk crate and flipped through it bringing out an old Disney sheet music book. "Work with this to get used to it. We know you can play, just have to learn how to read music and play at the same time," Shirley tells me handing me the book. Before I can even say something I hear Owen cry and he goes to her, scooping her up from her pack and play she was napping in. I guess decided that nap time was for babies today? Or was my playing that bad because Shirleys playing rarely bothered her?

"You know I'm going to tell Wynnie you lied about not liking babies," I tease him.

"I have nothing against babies when I can give them back," Shirley tells me with a grin and brings her to the piano. "Plus, my girlfriend mostly loves to tease me."

"I know," I tell him as I focus on one of the songs when he nudges me. I laugh lightly and play badly, but he corrects me here and there and slowly it gets easier. I break when Owen cries for me, while Wynnie comes home from her shift at work.

Saturday ends with me looking at the pile of homework I hadn't finished yet. Tomorrow I would do it. I would have to get it done if I didn't want mom to bitch at me about it. So I will make a point of doing it at the kitchen table to show her that I was a dedicated student. Which was a bit of a stretch, since half of the pile is already overdue?

The plan almost works, though mom sees my pile of overdue work and chastises me, reminding me of our deal. School comes first, if I couldn't keep up school, work and Owen, work would just have to go. Now though she's on the phone, a phone call I knew to be coming.

"I've been worried about it too Leslie," Mom says into the phone as I work on my homework at the kitchen table. Owen was in her bouncer batting at the toys for the moment. Soon enough she would be outgrown such things, but she was still wasn't quite grasping the whole sitting unattended thing. I look at Mom and she just waves me off.

They are discussing Thanksgiving, the holiday that Ken was supposed to have, they were supposed to have as a family this year. Meaning Owen and I was supposed to go with him since Owen couldn't be without me for so long.

"Thank goodness then, I've been trying to come up with a solution that will make Rilla comfortable coming. " Leslie says

"Gil and I have been worried as well. While we all agree that this wasn't the best decision it hasn't been easy on anyone," Mom tries to explain without having to say how awkward it was between us. "We don't want this to send them back down the rabbit hole again."

There was little chance of that.

"No, no, we agree with you as well. Timing is everything, and it sadly hasn't been on anyone's side. No decision was made lightly that is for sure?" Leslie says with a sigh. "You said you may have had a solution to our problem though?"

"I do," Mom says, looking at me and I just nod my head. "I was talking to Rilla last night and we were wondering if you wouldn't mind hosting another Blythe for Thanksgiving?"

"What do you have in mind?" Leslie asks.

Mom asked me the night before about the holiday, how I felt about it now with things as they were.

I told her it wasn't fair that the Fords, constantly came here to see Owen. Especially knowing they said they would come for Christmas already. The least I could do was go to them so they could see their grandchild, plus I had no issues with them. It was just my and Ken's impeccable timing, that muddled everything up with the trip.

Mom still didn't feel comfortable sending me there, knowing just I felt about everything. How does one even grieve an ending of something that never even began? When you had to see them practically daily?

"Well, worst come worse, Gilbert is on call for that weekend. But Di is looking into switching a virtual interview to an in-person one if you agree to have her along?"

"She has an interview with a Toronto theatre?" Leslie says brightly. "Oh if she can come, I can probably get her in contact with the Ballet, or even the head at Mirvish?"

Mom laughed. "I take it you are all right with the idea?"

"Of course, more the merrier, Owen can't complain either. He wants Rilla to be comfortable as much as I do. We'll even get Di her ticket."

"Oh no, we can manage her ticket, you already offered Rilla's, we don't wish to add more to the holiday," Mom shakes her head. "Oh! Speak of the devil Di is calling me!

I look at Owen who was intently starring at me, not doing my homework at this point. "Bah!" She shrieks, kicking her feet gurgling her weird little laugh.

"Well, looks like you approve of your Aunty tagging along," I say quietly as mom hangs up the phone.

"Di darling," Mom says answering the phone. "Good news?"

"They granted my request, they asked why the change and I told them I had the chance to see Toronto and meet them in person if they wished it. I explained it be over Thanksgiving, but they said since theatre never sleeps, and my interview was scheduled for that Friday anyway. They welcome the change," Di says through the speaker.

"That is lovely, Leslie says she might be able to set up some other contacts for you to mingle with?"

"Really? Oh, I can't wait to tell Jessie about it,"

"Of course, though who is this Jessie?" Mom says walking away taking her coffee, but not before. "Homework Rilla, I don't want more complaints."

I sigh and go back to my worksheet, most of my teachers are fairly generous with me but I can only be mediocre to a point. Having a baby didn't get you completely out of deadlines.

"I know you want to play, but I have to finish this first," I tell Owen who was kicking and batting at the dangling soft toys. Making as much noise as she could to distract me from the task at hand.

"Do you want me to take her while you finish?" Wynnie asks coming into the kitchen with a water bottle in hand. Tank who loved to follow her around, trotting behind her, coming to sniff Owen and lick her feet to which she did her adorable baby laugh. I was not getting anything done with them around.

"Would you? I'm almost finished, I won't be much longer I just need to get this done. Then I was going to make her let her play on her mat and then maybe take her out for a walk?" I tell her looking at my phone for the time. It was still early-ish morning on Sunday, but I had been up since 6 am with her.

"Sure, I love terrorizing Lee," Wynnie grins and I snort. Shirley was great with Owen until she cried mostly. Then he usually handed her back to me like she had some sort of contagious illness. He also always seemed slightly on edge when Wynnie played or chilled out with Owen.

I watch Wynnie unclip Owen from her seat and pick her up. "Oh my you're getting so big," she says.

"She's about fourteen pounds according to her four-month appointment," I tell Wynnie. "Almost doubling that birth weight of hers."

"Well, we will go play, won't we Tank?" Wynnie says to all of us, before grabbing her water bottle and walking away with my daughter.

I finish my homework, quickly without distraction before flipping through my journal and crossing it off.

I got up and filled up my cup with the cold brew in the fridge as I yawned. I leaned against the fridge, wondering if I could squeeze in a nap, but as soon as I thought that I heard Owen cry. I sigh and put my glass in the sink and went out to the living.

"What's wrong Owen?" I ask her settling down on the matt in front of her and I look around. "Are you looking for Mr. Dino?" I ask trying to spot him but he wasn't around. I sigh and pick her up, rubbing her back soothingly as I run through the house, back up the stairs.

"Did your daddy forget him last night?" I ask her sighing. Fishing my phone out of my pocket and hitting call on Ken's name.

"Where's Mr. Dino?" I ask not even saying hello. "Because he's not here and I have someone crying for it?"

"Rilla I'm at work," Ken says sighing.

"Yeah, and I have a screaming infant," I tell him. "Can you just check your car at some point?" I asked him.

"I will when I have lunch," Ken tells me. "I have to go."

"Just let me know," I tell him before hanging up.

Owen is still crying as the doorbell rings as I'm the one still pacing, soothing I swing it open to only see Una Meredith. Standing there in one of her misty blue velvet dresses that has long sleeves that could only be described as witchy. She was with a small bag looking somewhat awkward about her presence at our house. Una used to hang out with the twins often enough, so we weren't strangers. Though she was older than me by three years, she always had been nice to me.

"Hey?" I ask as I slightly bounce my crying daughter. I'm sure I look a mess and pretty sure I have spit up on my shirt.

"Sorry, umm I found these at home I think Nan left them when she came for Easter dinner?" She says holding out a bag.

"Oh, I'll let her know, she back at school," I say mentally kicking myself. Of course, Una knew that. Owen shrieks in my ear and I can see the pity in Una's eyes. "Sorry she's having a fit, someone forgot her dinosaur she loves already and she's angry," I say rather bitterly. "If you don't the crying you can come in for a minute? Moms around I'm sure she'd like to say hello?"

"Oh sure," Una says after a pause. She comes in and kicks off her shoes

"Mom Una is here," I call out and wander to the kitchen. "Coffee, iced tea?" I ask her and she follows. "Owen, please don't pull on my hair," I say as I try to detangle her fingers from my curl. "Owen I said no!" I say louder. She stops and only cries louder. God let Ken have that bloody dinosaur.

"Owen," Una says coming around to looking at my crying infant. And suddenly she's stopped. I turn my head and see Una swinging some gold and purple stone tree pendant near her face.

"That's pretty," I say as Owen makes a grab for it, I grab her hand before she could make contact with it.

"Actually I brought it for her, for you know when she's older of course," Una says blushing slightly. "It's an elm tree, back in the time of the druids, elm trees were a symbol of protection, love and support among all people," she explains to me. "I saw it at work and thought you might like it for her? Since her name means elm tree after all?"

"You are too kind," I say quietly. "I sometimes forget what her name means," I tell Una honestly. "I'm sure she will enjoy it when she's older. Your work must be interesting?"

"It's lovely, when I applied it reminded me of the magic shop from a tv show I used to watch," Una says with a smile.

"Oh! Like the one from Buffy?" I ask brightly as I switch Owen to my other shoulder.

"Yes, Buffy, I didn't realize you knew the show," Una grins.

"My friend Olivia loves it, when I was on bed rest for a while last year we would watch it together," I explain to her. "Do you want to hold her?" I ask as I see her watching Owen.

"You wouldn't mind?" Una replies. I shrug with a smile and hand her over. "She has your eyes," she commented as Owen watched her with curious interest, before going for Una's long black hair.

"Bah-bah-da-la," she babbles, as I grasp her hand before it could get tangled in the inky locks of hair.

"I think it reminds her of Ken's hair," I say quietly, trying to hide the hurt in my voice.

"Or her own?" Una says using one hand, her long sleeve falling down her arm to caress the little locks of dark-hued hair that was on her head.

"Oh Una, what happened?" I hear my mom gasp, and then I see some old faded bruises.

"It's nothing, I'm just in an argument with Jerry, but don't worry I put him in his place," Una says brushing off my mom's worry. Which only made her worry more as we both thought of Nan. "Seriously it's fine, we just argued when he found me praying. He also disturbed Clover from her nap, and she gave him a good swipe when he pulled at my arm. Dad yelled at him as well. I mean I know dad isn't thrilled with my choice but my goddess, he ripped into Jerry for his self-righteousness. He was angry that Jerry tried to get Nan to leave school," Una tells us. "Rosemary was very much appalled by his behaviour as well, we all are really. Rosemary and Dad are still trying to reach out without being embarrassed by it all. Even Mom called him, she yelled at him on the phone for being a self-absorbed man idiot that he was."

Mom frowns, the first Mrs. Meredith had been the one to leave her marriage. She lives out in B.C I think. I think I heard Nan mentions Jerry mom was out in BC? While I do remember there was a few years when Una lived with her mother, while Jerry stayed here after the divorce was finalized.

"We know it was not their fault, please tell them that, Nan says it was mostly his group of friends he met at church. I will however tell Nan that you dropped off some of her things," Mom says. "Though tell your mother we said hello when you talk to her next? I hope she's doing good, the last time we spoke was at your graduation, I hope her shop is doing well?

"I think it is?" Una tells her. "And I will."

Una stayed for tea as she filled in mom about the university and what she wanted to do with life. One of those weird strange moments, where Mom didn't seem like Mom, but an actual human. Was this what the other students saw or got when they went to her for things?

Hope everyone had a good week! Few small things

Rilla's Lullaby- A pun of the title itself, it wrote itself in this chapter.

Other Lyrics were from -All you had to do was Stay, by Taylor Swift.