Thanksgiving/October

2018

Toronto

"Owen, please, please go to sleep?" I plead with her as I pace the room with her in my arms. "Just go to bed," I tell her. "Don't you want to be good for mommy?"

I keep her wrapped up in blankets as I walk, slowly bouncing her as she fussed. I already used my finger to feel her gums and nothing had changed as I gently probed. Did Leslie have a thermometer around the house? She didn't feel warm, but I wanted to rule it out? I run through my head all I had eaten since arriving, and couldn't pinpoint anything. I double-check ingredients after Leslie asks me if I was all right having something.

Except she wouldn't even nurse, which meant she wasn't hungry.

"Rilla?" I hear Ken knock quietly on my door. I freeze in my spot, not even breathing in the darkroom. "I know you're awake, do you want me to take her for a while?" He asks quietly.

I sigh and open the door.

"It won't make any difference," I tell him. "She just wants to be attached to me, but I can't very well sleep with her on me or in bed with me," I whisper. "She does this a few times a week, she'll settle eventually." I am jabbing at the fact that he isn't around overnight anymore since before school, and the choices that he made.

"Just let me try?" Ken refuses to back down. I hand Owen over to him before I sit down on Persis's old bed, watching him whisper into our daughter's ear, rocking her as he walked. I curl up on the bed yawning. I know he's overconfident, that the moment he tries to put her down in her crib she will be wide awake once more.

It plays out much like I thought it would be, he's not used tonight these days and whatever Owen is going through reminds me of how she was as a newborn. Wake, play, rock and cry until she wanted to nurse, sleep for a few minutes before it starts all over again.

We were about to give up hope when there was another knock on the door. Ken opens it, trying to quiet Owen, only reveal the older Owen dress up in his robe.

"Let me take her," he says, and it doesn't take much for Ken to pass her over.

"Whatever is wrong little miss?" He says deeply in his chest, and after a breathing break she looks up at him. "You know your father used to do this as well, keep us up all night," Owen spoke to her as he walked down the hallway.

I look over at Ken, who just sat down on the edge of the bed dress in a white sleeveless undershirt and pair of boxers. For the first time I see it, upon his shoulder blade, a shadow tree, and within the roots, in some fancy script, it says our daughter's name. I forgot all about his appointment, he had spoken about it for months over the summer. It looked already healed, so it must have been a little while ago.

I frown to myself, I would have thought he would have mentioned. I try to think back if I even saw it on Instagram. I yawn and curl up in my pillow, listening to Grandpa Owen work his magic on his granddaughter. It seems to work magic on me as well because the next thing I know, the sun was peaking through the blinds of the window and Ken was passed out on the edge of my bed. I had a small moment of panic when I couldn't hear Owen breathing, but Owen wasn't even in her crib.

I quickly use the washroom and through on a large sweater to ward off the morning chill.

I found her downstairs, reclining against her grandfather with the tv down on low, chewing on her first. She catches sight of me, and bounces softly and squeaks to attention.

"It's still early," The older Owen says to me.

"She'll be hungry in a few minutes," I tell him, looking around for a clock since I didn't grab my phone. Though by the way my chest felt, it's been a few hours, longer than four for sure. "You didn't have to take her all night," I say quietly.

"It's little after seven, I don't need as much sleep much these days anyway, it's the least I can do?" He tells me with a smile. "It's nice to have some time with her, which isn't a jab. It's just the fact of the matter," He tells me kindly as he hands me her before getting up. "I'll make some coffee and let the two of you have your moment."

I smile weakly and nod my head.

We end up at Casa Loma once everyone was up and breakfast was finished morning. It wasn't as pretty as it was in spring or summer in the gardens I was told, but it was still beautiful with the changing leaves and fall plants they had.

"I so want to move here," Di says as we look out a window, you could see the city from it as we are on the third floor ww1 exhibit.

"Will hopefully you get a job then here," I tell her.

"You could end up dancing at the ballet," Di pokes me and I frown.

"They were extremely nice, but that was all Leslie's doing. I'm not that naive," I say and quietly hum and kiss the tops of Owen's head. She was already fallen into her nap in her carrier.

"I'll be stuck on the Island forever, working as some sort of French teacher most likely, maybe if I'm lucky I can teach dance or something? All while being single, but who is ever going to want to date me, with a kid attached to my leg. That and I'll spend every other week alone because she'll be with Ken. So I'll be drinking wine while watching a hallmark movie on tv. Hopefully in a place of my own and not be living with mom and dad." I tell her.

"Don't talk like that, you'll find someone. I mean look at Joy and Matt? He had Liam and Elliot, and she dated him? Also, I'm sure at some point they will help you get an apartment, or even let you take over the basement. Oh, and who says you have to be a teacher?" Di rambles on trying to get me to feel better.

I give her a look at 'Are you serious.

"Like mom and Dad will let me do anything that isn't career approved by them. Oh, look at this!" I tell her pointing out an old photo. "It looks like it could be Jem if he was born 100 years ago!"

I grab my phone, wondering if he was home or working. I hit the face time button and it rings a few times before he answers.

"Hey, little sis! Is everything all right?" He asks automatically.

"Can't you little sister just call you?" I say frowning and he raises an eyebrow and I hear Faith call out something from another room.

"It's just Rilla, Fay," he says turning his head. "So what's up?" He asked turning back to me.

"We found your doppelgänger," I say excitedly turning the camera to show him, and he calls for Faith who comes to laugh at it.

"How is Toronto?" She asks sticking her face in front of my brothers.

"It's fine," I say with a small shrug. "A little awkward at times, but Leslie and Owen are nice about it all," I say looking over at Di, turning the phone over to her so she could wave.

"It's been amazing. The Fords are really generous, I mean they always have been though." Di says, and I show them the room briefly scanning over Leslie and Owen, while Ken was talking to someone on his own phone.

"Have you heard from Walter lately?" Jem asks, bringing me back to the conversation.

"Uh, yeah he called earlier, though I think he and Ken are talking right now about something?" I say looking over to Ken.

"Getting over himself then?" Jem says, and I shrug indifferently.

"More like he likes that he doesn't have to go and worry about me," I say rather bitterly.

"And here I thought we were passed the whole, someone has to be angry at Ken in the family?" Jem jokes.

I look around and quietly move to another room. "How is it that I'm the one hurt and angry and everyone is freaking happy about it?"

"We're not happy about it…" Jem says drawing out his words. "We're just…relieved we don't worry about the two of you?"

"The same thing," I give him a look and Jem just looks sheepish and shrugs.

"What else are you doing today?"

"After this and another large coffee, we're doing the Royal Ontario Museum I think?" I tell him with a yawn. "Anyway I should let you go, I just wanted to show you that photo."

"Have fun, and keep your head up. Don't let strangers hold Owen on the plane, and watch about for colds between the flying and daycare and use that snot sucker that we gave you if you need to." Jem tells me and I make a face. The thought of that thing made me was to vomit. I hoped to never have to use it, which was wishful thinking she'll most likely have a cold at some point being in daycare.

"I love you," Jem reminds me with a grin.

"Yeah, yeah, I love you too," I tell him before ending the call.

"Do you want to go up in the tower?" I hear Ken ask a few feet away. "Mom says she'll hold Elowen for us," he tells me.

I only nod my head, she was only just waking up. I figured she would be ready to be fed in the next half hour. So going up the tower now is the best for everyone, plus the tiny spiralling staircase, and limited space isn't all that baby friendly. But once up at the top, to that tiny tower room with tiny windows, it was memorizing. You could see slivers of the city through.

I look over at Ken was a sigh, while Di somehow squeezes my hand at the best moment. How do sisters just know when you need comfort?

We take a break on the outdoor patio, where Di and I find a secluded area that left me, nurse, without people around. While Ken and his parents find a bench to sit on not too far away from us.

We wander the garden, where Di takes a dozen of photos of Owen and me and I take some of her with her niece as well. The only awkward moment is when Leslie took a few stilted ones with Ken with us for herself. Though in return Di takes a few nice ones for them with Ken. Leaving me to take a minute and send some of my photos to Olivia and Miranda as I am wearing one of the dresses she gave me. A black and white plaid mini dress with a pair of tights.

You look awesome! I'm so glad you liked the dress, it was like it was made for you! Miranda texts back a few moments later.

It's super cute, my sister Joy was jealous about the dress! I write back and go check my other messages.

You look so cute! How are you surviving? Olivia replies back.

It's all right, keeping busy and trying to keep my distance. Except Owen decided to have a bad night, and Ken tried to help which didn't help. So his dad took her and we both fell asleep for a few hours. I'll call you later tonight if you're awake, we're going to go have lunch? I reply to her, before pocketing my phone, watching as Ken takes the lead of our baby in his arms.

We have lunch at a small retro diner, where Di and Ken order breakfast rather than lunch and proceed to tease pancakes to Owen. While I still got looks here and there, it felt like I wasn't on display as back home. Essentially people seemed to care less about the whole nice thing.

The Fords walk us by the legislative building through Queen's park, walking up to the museum. Where the main entrance was this strongly shaped building, but once inside it proved to be an experience. I like history and they had a variety of areas and my love of pretty things one out when it came to pretty dresses they had on display.

We were turning into another exhibit when it happened.

"Kenneth Wayne Ford," I hear as we turn a corner of the museum.

We all turn and I see Maggie, I think it's Maggie anyway, I stand there awkwardly as they hug and she kisses him on the cheek.

"What are you doing here?" He asks, clearly not seeing her employee badge.

"I'm working silly, it's just temporary mat-leave contract fill in. But I can't complain," Maggie says, before zoning in on me, or should I saw the infant that is just about to fall asleep on my chest. "Is that?" She looks back at him and then realizing it was me, with different hair.

"Yes, that is Rilla and Elowen, along with her older sister Diana," Ken says introducing up, and her motions for Owen from me. I don't want to pass her over, I don't want this woman to ever place her hands on my baby.

"She's just about to settle," I tell him. "I rather not disturb her, she might be used to being carted around, but I would like her to sleep now and not be overtired."

"She'll be fine Rilla, two minutes won't hurt her," he argues back.

"Well, you can deal with her later then," I warn and tell him and let him take her which jostles her awake. She whimpers for a moment until she's safely in his arms, her little sweater is purple with a dinosaur on it, and she was wearing little grey footed leggings.

I see Di look at me sharply, and I shrug and take a few steps away. Di follows me frowning but gives me a once-over.

"God, if you weren't still breastfeeding I would ask if you needed some PMS pill," she tells me jokingly. "You always did get moody around your period."

I give her a look, to which she raises her eyebrow at and I shrug. "I haven't had a period in over a year," I tell her. "All though if you go by my birth control, I suppose it would just be about that time, not that I ever bleed. Something about the mini pill that I can't complain about it." I tell her.

"Still, not an excuse to be crabby," Di tuts me.

"Or maybe I just don't want strangers touching my baby," I say under my breath.

I look around and spot a sign for a set of women's washrooms. I excuse myself, I lock myself in a stall, willing myself no to make a mess of my make-up. To not cry like some emotional silly girl. Thinking about Di's words I go pee, mostly to see if I was bleeding or not. Nope, just being an emotional bitch for no reason.

"Rilla," Di calls out as I flush the toilet.

I come out of the stall and look in the mirror as I wash my hands. My eyes are red, and I look tired.

"Come here," Di says once I dry off my hands. She pulls me into a hug and squeezes me, I doubt I could have done this trip by myself. I would be a mess with no one on my side.

"Why don't you bring Nate over tonight, Kyle and Justin are supposed to drop by tonight after dinner to catch up?" I hear Ken tell her as he tried to calm a fussy baby. Clearly, I was right, and he didn't listen to me.

"I'll let you know," Maggie tells me. "I'll let you get back your tour though," she said glancing over at Di and me I who was quietly walking back.

I take Owen back from him because I didn't want to leave her crying. I got her back in her carrier and rubbing her back comforting her until I get her to stare at me with her big eyes that were slowly drooping.

It was later that night when I find myself standing there awkwardly as Ken introduces me to some of his old school friends. I hold onto Owen, apologizing when I had no free hands. Kyle was on the tallish side with reddish hair and blue eyes, with Justin was tan with dark brown hair. Both seemed nice, dress much like Ken himself when he wasn't at work. Jeans, tee shirts, hoodies.

"It's nice to meet you both," I tell them.

"It's nice to meet you as well, at least we can have a better understand of who Ken is talking about these days." One of them tells me and Ken goes red around the ears.

"This is Elowen," Ken says taking her from me, already dressed in her pyjamas for the night. 'It's just about bedtime, but I thought you might want to meet her?" Ken tells them, as she looks at them curiously. Before her face scrunches up and she sneezes right in their faces.

Ken laughs and uses her blanket to wipe her nose. "Christening them are you?" He said kissing her temple.

"I'll be back in an hour," I tell him. "I'm going to go make a phone call."

"Your not?" Ken frowns but decides to not try and make me stay as I go back up the stairs from the basement. I politely decline Leslies offer to watch a movie right away, as I wanted to call home, to which she understood. I sit out on the back porch as I hit call on Olivia's contact. I wait to sigh, before it went to voicemail, same with Miranda and after some scrolling on Instagram. There apparently was some hockey game that everyone was at.

So instead I tell Leslie I was going to walk up the street to stretch out my legs. Texting Di if she wants to come but she replied saying she was talking to who I can only assume to be her boyfriend Jesse, I think it was a boy anyway this time? Di wasn't big on descriptive pronouns these days, not that it matters anyway. I pull at my sweater, it was cooler than I thought it was, but it was nice to be alone, to be able to just live in my brain for a little bit. Go over what Beth and I talked about the last time I saw her before the trip.

I went out with the notion of a walk down the street and back, but I end up in a rather large park. Some couples were out walking together, there were even some young tweens running about laughing. It was still strange to think they had huge green areas within the city. Or that the small neighbour that the Ford lived in was part of a much bigger city itself. So I walked, taking in the fall beauty when I reached the park that was at the end of the street. Think about the day, the museums we had gone to, it had been a lovely day.

"Jesus, are you crazy!" I hear before I turn around and see Ken running up towards me. "This isn't the island, you don't just go walking around the parks at sunset, and definitely not by yourself," he says loudly.

I look towards the setting sun, "It's not even dark out," I point out to him.

"In a few minutes it will be and you'll be in the middle of a trail in a park you don't know. This is Toronto Rilla, god if you get lost or heaven forbid get hurt because you didn't think!" Ken retorts.

"No, no, you don't get to pull this shit, Ken. You don't get to come rushing in and tell me what to do," I shake my head at him. "You are not my father or one of my brothers, you wanted to be nothing to me remember. So don't you dare tell me what to do." I cry back at him. My god, the guy gives me whiplash.

"I never wanted to be nothing to you, you choose that on your own Rilla, all I did was tell you that I couldn't keep doing what we were doing. I couldn't keep up the back and forth, I didn't like how I felt, being confused or guilty all the time."

"And I told you once, I have no idea who to be friends with someone like you," I remind him as I step away from him. "Also how did you even know where I was!" I ask him pointedly.

"Snapchat said you were in the park. Don't worry it's not like I intentionally went out of my way to find you," he reminds me that Snapchat displays my location to my friends on it. "Only because Xav sent me a snap, by the way."

I fold my arms around me. It wasn't a lie, you could easily see locations of people on Snapchat if they had it enabled.

"We need to stop doing this Rilla," he says with a sigh. "I don't know how to fix this, and all this silent treatment is just making everything worse. Sure you can say I did it to myself, but I never said we had to be this, I didn't want it to be like this. Do you say you don't know how to be friends? We were being friends rather easily up until a month and a half ago?" Ken says sighing.

"You think? You think I'm hurt because you rejected me?" I say my mouth dropping. "You went and threw me under the bus to my parents! And then you come back the next day and just ignore the fact that I have feelings. So forgive me, if I don't feel like trusting you. I may have kissed you, but what you did was downright cruel. So you're going to just have to live with me not exactly trusting you. Just like you'll have to deal with me right now not wanting to even be friends with you beyond what Owen needs us to be because I don't have it in me right now. So remember you did this to yourself, you made this trip awkward. Because I keep remembering how you wanted me to meet your friends and see this or that and you ruined that. This was supposed to be fun, this was supposed to be about us sharing your family traditions with Owen together and happy, You ruined it for yourself." I tell him, wiping away my tears from my eyes, as I shiver and pull my cardigan around me more.

"I trusted you wholeheartedly and you destroyed it. You wanted to make sure I would hate you, well you did one worse for yourself."

"Rilla," he lets out his breath.

"Funny thing is, everyone sees you as the adult of this whole thing. Hell, I thought so it, but you're no more mature than the sixteen-year-olds I go to school with." I turn to get away from him.

"I'm not letting you walk around this park by yourself!" He calls out. "Your entire family will have my head if anything happens to you."

"I don't need you to protect me! I don't need you at all!" I spit out at all. "You say you don't want me, but for god sake, you like to play the hero don't you? Be prince charming when it suits you?" I tell him my voice dripping with sarcasm.

Then it happens so fast, I quite don't believe it happens as he grabs my hand and pulls me to him. Flush against him, and kisses me soundly. Something that feels so right, and yet in the back of my mind. I hear all his reasons and I know that he's right and it's not fair. I don't want to feel the same thing that I know he feels when I kiss him. It's far from fair, to kiss another person when you know they don't want it.

Why does he have to be so bloody right?

I let my head fall to his chest, despite everything he still has the ability to make my body feel like it's on fire.

"I get it, but still don't trust you," I tell him.

I know there will be plenty of things to discuss with Beth when I return. Not just the court hearing that was coming up, but just getting a grip on everything as well.

"I know," he says. "And you have every right now too, but rather not be at odds with you."

I shiver to move away from him and he quickly gives me his jacket which I try to refuse but he shakes his head.

We walk back to his place in silence, I know by the way Di looks at me questionably when we arrive that she knows something happened between us. Though she is the one who scolds me for going out by myself in a city I don't know when it's about to be dark out. Repeating the same thing Ken had said pretty much, this wasn't the island. I take Owen from her grandfather, who is eyeing his son critically. I have a feeling there will be a talk at some point before we leave between the two of them. Ken's friends were still over when Ken ran out, and Maggie had come over in the time he was gone.

We end up playing monopoly in the basement, once Owen is down for the beginning of the evening. The baby monitor beside us is on the table. Ken's friends are curious about me and Maggie is the only one who had met me before. Thankfully enough, she tries to keep the conversation light-hearted and not awkward.

Maybe it will be, all right? That we'll figure out how to do this to the best of our abilities and how to respect each other, so we are not hurting each other constantly?

I can only hope anyway.

So...characters have a mind of their own. It's them really, I tried really hard to not have them do this, but in the end, it helps Rilla understand what it's like for Ken a bit. It's not an easy pill to swallow either way. It's easy for both of them to be on the same page, it's nice to have them on the same page about things when things will be changing for them soon enough as well.

Next week we are back on the Island and back to the grind of life itself with school and everything else.

Hope everyone had a good week and enjoyed some of the smaller sibling moments!