To my two guests,
Thank you!
Cotton Candy lover- You will have your wish soon enough, it all building up to that storyline
Bookworm- I am glad you enjoyed that dancing scene.
October 2018
It was a quiet first dinner back with my parents when I returned from Toronto. Shirley and Wynnie were at the table too for a change. Wynnie was asking me questions about the trip and what we did.
I was happy to be home though, as much as I enjoyed the Fords and their easy acceptance of things. I did miss home, even if everyone noticed the ice had thawed between Ken and me.
I mean I was still distant, but I wasn't completely the ice queen anymore towards him. Which they noticed right away, or Di had told them. I wasn't sure, but we spent the next two days managing to not argue our last days there. We managed to squeeze in the CN Tower, and unlike his parents. He thought the subway was something everyone needed to experience, as we went out on our own. Leaving Owen with her grandparents as he showed Di and me some more cooler spots of the city and shops like Silver Snail.
"I toured the national Ballet, Leslie and Owen know the director there and I got to meet the dancers," I tell them. "Actually they let me dance with them. They said I have potential, real potential."
"Rilla we're not getting into this tonight," Mom says looking at me.
"So I can't even talk about it now? Do you know how many of them had babies?"
"None of them were seventeen with a baby," Mom reminds me pointedly. She most likely seething at Leslie for putting things back into my head. "You need to finish school and try and find something that will give you stability Rilla. Dance isn't that, dance doesn't even run through the summer months. What happened come June and Tessa closes for three months and you're laid off?"
"Then I'll find another job? I don't know? We all know I'm never going to get into university, so why keep thinking that I will? If I get into Holland College it will be a miracle in itself," I push back my chair and stand up.
"Rilla sit down," Dad finally speaks up, and Shirley and Wynnie both stare awkwardly at their plates.
I ignore them and grabbed Owen from her high chair and left the kitchen. I lock myself in my room, or closet more likes it to hide from people.
A year before I may have actually snuck out, climbing down the back of the house after a fight like this. Though that is probably a bit too dangerous with Owen now.
I hear Tank before a light knock on the door.
"Rilla?" It was Wynnie. "I brought you your plate since you didn't eat much of it," she said quietly. "Just in case you get hungry, I'll just put it on your dresser?"
I nudge to open my closet door and Tank comes trotting up to it and licks my face.
"You know I would always hide in my closet whenever I was angry at my parents for something. Mostly naming me Arwen and dragging me around those fairs they went to, good to know it's still a viable option." Wynnie tells me.
"You must wish that you never decided to move in here with Shirley," I tell her.
"No, not really? I never had any siblings and Mom and Dad we're a bit free on their parenting. They were fewer parents and more like friends which weren't always fun either. It's a delicate balance. It's nice to know I don't have to parent my parents, which I am sure is strange to you to think about. Your parents aren't perfect, no parent is which I am sure you are learning even for yourself. But they love you all and while I can even agree they are probably too strict in what they consider a good career. I say this because my parents weren't anything special. They always had food on the table and no one looked down on them for the jobs they held? I think your parents just get lost on the whole your dreams, vs theirs."
"They don't even listen," I let my head hit the closet wall.
"When I told my parents I got into Veterinarian school, they asked me why I didn't want to do something artsier and not so scientific. Or worse they questioned how I would be able to euthanize animals?" Wynnie tells me.
"Seriously?" I look at her.
"I know it's whacked, isn't it? Your family is pro-career, stability, all that jazz. While mine was like, why do you want to be a Vet and waste all that money when you can, I don't know. Own your own hobby shop, and sell jewelry at fairs?" Wynnie says rolling her eyes at the memory.
"I wish I had your parents," I tell her.
"I wish I had parents like yours at times," Wynnie pats my leg.
"She can be whatever she wants to be," I say looking at Owen who was on my lap.
"I'm sure you will find your own balance with her," Wynnie says nodding her head. "Much like when Lee tells me to live a little and not worry and I tell him to think about things before he does them. Because we had entirely different experiences growing up."
"You look rested," Olivia comments on a Wednesday morning.
"She actually slept last night," I say with a sigh of relief. "A whole six hours! My boobs were like rocks this morning, but my god, sleep," I tell her before waving at Miranda.
"Has your mom said anything about the court hearing?" Miranda asks and I frown.
"Uncle Fred is going to set up a small area in the balcony area for us if we wish to be there I think," I tell her. "He said he would call others to let them know, I'm sure they will call your father," I tell her.
"Why does your mother look like she is on a warpath?" Olivia asks.
"I left before she realized I left and walked Owen to day-care?" I say pulling them both into a random open classroom before she could see us.
"What happened?" Miranda frowns. She doesn't fully grasp just how much my parents and I argue.
"The usual," I whisper shrugging, and Olivia pokes her head out the door.
"It's open, Rilla and her mom have a tense relationship, sometimes it good, sometimes it's well this, you get used to it?" she says to Miranda and I shrug in response
"She's not wrong?" I say as we step out back into the hall and we hurry toward history.
"Marilla Blythe!" I hear mom call out.
"I'm going to be late," I call out defiantly waving my hand at her. I can hear other students snicker at my response. No one dares to defy my mother, except well, me.
"I don't appreciate your defiance Rilla," Mom says to me when she finally manages to catch me outside of the daycare after school.
"I don't appreciate being told that my dreams aren't real," I tell her, hoisting up Owen on my hip. "And maybe if you actually listened to me, and not just tell me my dreams are silly, I might be more inclined to tell you I thought of a backup plan," I tell her.
"And what backup plan is that?" She raises an eyebrow.
"I went to the CBC with Leslie and it was interesting. Made me remember when Ken's dad told me I have a good voice and face for it. I found out Holland College has a decent broadcast and journalism program." I tell her. "You can't be opposed to that? There are multiple jobs I could do anywhere?"
"Broadcasting and Journalism? You do realize that is more than just looking pretty on camera or being able to memorize and speak well?" Mom gives me a look.
"Seriously? Well, it's nice to see just what you truly think about me, I truly am just a disappointment to you," I spit out. "I'll walk home thank you," I tell her.
"Rilla! I didn't mean it like that," Mom clearly frustrated. "I just don't want you to get hung up on things that can't pan out."
"Isn't that my choice to make?" I retort back. "Isn't it my life? Meaning that I should have the choice of what I want to do and be? I'm not that naive that I know I have a child to care for, but just because you gave up your dreams of writing, doesn't mean I have to give up my dreams! Why can't you understand that? I'm not them, I'm not extremely smart or good every class, I find something that can work with my strengths and it still not good enough," I cry to her. We stare at each other before I turn around and just start walking away from her.
She doesn't follow me.
I'm still walking with Owen when Miranda happens upon me, still partially sniffling.
"Hey what's wrong?" She asks.
"Everything and nothing," I say sighing as I reposition Owen. "I wasn't planning on walking home with a sixteen-pound baby, without my carrier," I tell her.
"I thought your mom usually drives you?" She said before trailing off. "Right, never mind."
"We fought, I just left. I would usually ask Ken, he has a spare car seat and all but he switched around his days because of the trip and all." I tell her.
"My house is around the corner, I've seen you wrap her up in a sling before I'm sure I can help you rig something up?" Miranda tells me. "Though I'm sure I don't have to warn you, that my dad is well completely bonkers?" She tells me.
I smile weakly, her father was local talent on local access t.v. He was some sort of activist who believed in saving the ocean and that animals should be treated fairly( which they should, but I was never into veganism for the same reasons as he had). We walk to her place, as she talked.
"He's not at bad as he is on his show," she tells me. "I mean I have to sneak out to eat hamburgers, and he is a touch overprotective, more so than ever because of what happened," she said quietly. "But he's all about women's rights," she tells me as she unlocks the front door. They live in the middle of Glen, in a rather showy, renovated farmhouse.
"Dad!" She calls out. "I'm home, I brought a friend with me," she warns him, as she smiles back at me. "Have a seat, are you thirsty?" She asks.
"Is it possible for some water?" I ask quietly and she nods her head.
Miranda nods her head and I hold up Owen. Sniffing her bottoms deeming she was still good before I laid her down to unbutton her sweater so she wouldn't get too warm.
"You're a Blythe," I hear her father before I see him.
"I am," I say unsure of how to answer such.
"You have a baby?" He questions
"I do," I say nodding my head. "Made some questionable decision one night and ended up with her a tag along," I tell him.
"She's been vaccinated?" He asks and I look at him with my mouth open. "Vaccines are good, though I'm sure with your dad being a doctor and all you know that."
"Ugh," I hum. "Yeah, she has, of course, she has."
"Dad stops with the interrogations," Miranda chides him bringing me a glass of water and herself some sort of milk.
"I will be in my study working on my next paper then," he says. "Let me know if she stays for dinner. I was going to make some Pad Thai and summer rolls,"
"Thank you but I'll probably head home," I tell him, "Asian food has a lot of soy in it, which I can't have and I don't wish to be rude," I explain.
"Of course, Carl called as well earlier Panda bear. He says he'll be over later tonight, and also asked what he should wear for tomorrow."
"I know he texted me," Miranda says blushing.
"Good good then, I did tell him a business casual is usually worn when going to court," he tells her. "Though I did run through my latest blog post with him, he had insightful thoughts about it."
"I'll let him know," Miranda says. "Why don't we go up to my room?" She looks at me looking hopeful. I nod my head.
We make it up to her room which was painted a light pink and reminded me of a princess room I most likely wanted as a child. But never got since I shared with the twins. We sit down on her bed and I go through Owens bag for one of her teething rings.
"Sorry about my dad," she says apologetically.
"It's fine, does he and Carl get along?" I ask her.
"Yeah, they do they can talk about saving the fishing industry and ocean for hours. I once asked him one night when dad finally let us watch out the movie if he rather dates my father than me?"
"What did he say?" I say finally finding something for Owen to chew on, though I'm sure she rather her hand like usual.
"That guy looked over at my father, and smirked, and said, 'You know if I was older and you know gay, there's a good chance'. Is swatted at his arm and he just burst out laughing telling me he was joking and said he would make it up to me and show me how much he loves me. Which dad overhead and proceeded to remind us about being safe."
"Hey I know it's last minute, but some of the others were going to meet up for some ice cream in town later tonight?" Miranda tells me unexpectedly.
"Oh, I look down at Owen, "I'm not sure, if dad is home I might be granted permission, but if it's just mom. I don't really think I can ask Ken either, it's not really fair for him to change his plans, plus it messes with bedtime." I say biting my lip. "She goes to bed about 7:30, but usually wakes up about 11 for a feed, then back to bed if I'm lucky she'll sleep to about 6 am, if not 3 am for another feed," I tell her.
"And you're still at school every day?" Miranda says mouth agape.
"And I work about sixteen hours a week" I add on to that. "Babies are expensive,"
"Does the dad help out?" She asked cautiously. She hasn't asked much about Ken or his involvement much.
"Ken's around yeah, and he helps out a lot but the cost of diapers, daycare, and soon-to-be solid food. It all adds up," I say quietly. "We've been arguing over what she'll be for Halloween lately. He wants something cute, I want her to be a hobbit, my sister decided just to make her something for fun. She'll bring it when she comes for the annual Blythe pumpkin patch photo session so we shall see?'
"I'm sure she'll be adorable no matter what. Also, I can see if they can meet up earlier if it helps you can bring Owen with you?" Miranda offers. "Though pumpkin patch photos sound fun. When Mom was alive, we used to go to the fancy gardens in Summerside and get them done. I want to go back with Dad, but he still doesn't want to go back." She says simply and I frown.
I remember when her mother had died in a tragic car accident. We were about eight if I remember correctly, it had been horrible news. That the whole town had come together to put together a funeral that was worthy of her. Now I think that much as mom and I argue and fight, I couldn't imagine not having her around. Always knowing when I needed a hug. We were perfect, we clashed a lot but I still needed her.
"One day it might be easier for him," I tell her unsure of what to say.
"Maybe?" She hums before turning on a smile. "So text your Dad."
"Very well, but don't expect much," I say grabbing my phone and I click my conversation with Dad.
Miranda asked if I want to meet some of the other girls before court tomorrow, you know so it's not totally awkward tomorrow afternoon. They're gonna meet at the ice cream place, about 8 for an hour or so? Owen should be in bed by then, and it's just an hour? I can bike there and back? Please? I type out and take a deep breath before hitting send.
Are you asking me because you think your mother hasn't told me what happened today between the two of you? :) He replies back rather instantly. I can tell he's being cheeky.
Ummmm…I just couldn't deal with it today?
I type out to him and just hit send.
I have to run to the store, do the Pryor's still live on Birch street? We can discuss things when I pick you up.
Yes - I reply back.
"Dad is going to come to pick me up we can talk about me going out afterward, I mean it's not an outright no?" I say to Miranda.
I don't know exactly how or why they left me to go. Maybe because mom is at Aunt Diana's? Dad even drives me as Wynnie offering to watch Owen when he does.
Miranda comes out to meet me as I look back at my dad in the car. I straighten up my shoulder and Dad just kisses the side of my head before I let myself get out of the car.
"Do I know them?" I ask quietly.
"Some of a year older, some are a grade below us. Just three of them tonight, Sam couldn't make it," Miranda told me, taking her arm. I turn around and at the door and wave at Dad who finally starts backing out of his spot.
We enter the small ice cream shop that has a few small tables, I recognize some of the girls right away. I don't know them personally, but I know their faces.
One named Ruby is dressed up in dark goth-style clothing. Another girl who was introduced to Katie looks normal as can be is next to her, but she had drawings up her arm. They looked like song lyrics to me. Another one who I learn is named Jemma, looked more withdrawn, but unlike me, she never hid the issues she had. I heard whispers about her in the hallway at school for being a bit depressed and dramatic. Then there was me, who still felt like an alien as I stood there. I was a little worse than wear, babies will do that to you.
There is a large bowl was a banana split in the middle of the table that could feed a small army. I frown for a moment, but Miranda pushes a small bowl of something to me.
"It's their homemade sorbet, no chance of a soy," she tells me and she makes me sit down.
They don't make me talk, but they talk and when I say something, the feeling of being an alien vanishes slowly. It was Jemma's off-hand comment about Issac behind touchy, that made me agree with her, bringing forth those moments that were burned in my mind. They get it, they understand it, or at least two of them do.
Katie talks about her band here and there. How they want to put on a small concert to benefit the victims of all of this. She often talks about the future and how she hopes it will be for us. I get the feeling the music is her way of dealing with the trauma.
"We were 11 and 12 years old, not even teenagers," I say quietly as my phone lights up showing off Owen on the table.
"You have a baby," One of them speaks up.
"Yeah, I do," I say rather awkwardly. "She's five months old now."
"She cute," Katie says as she was closest to me.
"I like to think so, but I'm a little biased, my family are watching her for me right now," I add on with a small smile.
"That must have been shock and a half for them?" One asked.
"It's in the top five surprises of their life, right up there with this now. Not sure what they think is worse that they didn't listen to me when I tried to tell them how uncomfortable about him I was. Or the fact I had a baby?" I say eating a spoonful of my dessert.
I learned that Issac had a lot of parents fooled. The good boy look, meshed with being the smart kids worked wonders for him it seemed.
"How did your parents react?" Katie ask. "Sorry, please don't think you have to tell me!"
"It's fine," I say shrugging. "As well as one might expect for uptight parents who had a teenage pregnancy themselves? Essentially not well at all, but cute babies tend to smooth them over?" I say. "Or you mean Issac?" I ask. No one really says anything, but they all eat a spoonful of ice cream.
"It's hard to explain, mom found out because she was the one going through the photos," I say quietly. "They didn't know about the other stuff at first. It was like dominos falling down ever since I admitted I was pregnant to them. One thing after another, another lie, another secret I kept from them. Another thing to worry about, questioning Ken and I again, and everything I had done since this all happened?" I say sighing. "I'm not exactly the most liked person, and I knew what everyone said about me over the years?"
They all nod, we all pick at our ice cream.
"It was like suddenly things made sense to them and the doctors," Jemma says. "That we're not just messed up in the head or crazy. Something happened and we managed to deal with it the only ways we could."
"What are you going to wear?" Ruby asks everyone for a change of subject.
"Probably one of my black dresses?" I say unsure. "If it fits with the size of my boobs while nursing?"
"If it doesn't I'm sure I have something you can borrow," Miranda tells me, being curvy. "Otherwise I was going to wear something somber? I don't really own much black?" She laughs lightly looking down at her pink jeans and white sweater.
"Do you think he'll plead guilty?" Katie says out loud.
We all look at each other, it's such a question and no one had an idea of how to answer it.
"I want him too, but I don't think he will," Jemma says quietly. "My therapist says we won't know until the day and just be prepared for it. I'm just like how can you prepare for something like that?"
"I have a feeling if I go into my bathroom tomorrow and he pleaded not guilty, even my razor will be hidden?" I say quietly. Jemma looks at me, and down at her arms, and then mine. "It's a bit complicated," I explain. "My brother has a disorder that caused him to try to end his life when this was all happening to us. He used to cut himself and I saw what it did to my parents when they saw it. So I learned that when things got too much when I hated my body I would cut the inside of my thighs. They would never see it and I had a reminder to eat less," I say looking down at my ice cream that was almost finished. My stomach rolled with the admittance and guilt that I ate it all as I took a deep breath. I really didn't want to be throwing up in front of them.
It was Miranda and another girl who grabs my hands to support me. Another one came to hug me. They've all been through this with each other most likely, me breaking down is just another piece to this messy puzzle.
Suddenly our phones are lighting up, buzzing and ringing text tones.
We all look at each other, and one by one we check our phones.
Mine is from Dad.
Court has been postponed, it will be announced in the late-night news. I wanted you to hear from us before someone else. The judge proceeding over the case tomorrow has been admitted to the hospital for a heart attack, or what appears to be one. The other main judge is filling in Summerside and unable to attend on short notice and the other is on vacation. They will reschedule as soon as they are able. I'm sorry sweetheart, I know you've been on edge because of all of this, and now it's just more waiting.
We all look at each other, we're all angry and close to crying.
We were quite a group. The teenage mother who ends up having to shove napkins down my bra because I get too emotional when I see the photo of Owen on my phone when it lights up again. Miranda the blonde china doll who is too sweet looking, I can't imagine anyone wanting to hurt her. Ruby with her unique goth style and dark hair, hasn't said much at all yet. Katie who every time opens up I get the sense that she's hurt as much as the rest of us but lives for music in a way that reminds me of why I dance. Then Jemma who doesn't care who knows that's she's messed up.
We're all broken, we're all broken and not sure how to move on from this at this moment.
We just want this to end, yet it feels like it going to go on forever.
When I come home I don't say anything, I just curl up and hug mom who was on the couch. Even she knows to not ruin the moment as she runs her fingers through my hair. We can talk another day after all.
Hope everyone enjoyed this one.
Few small notes, at least in Canada Court Cases can take forever, maybe it is like that everywhere I'm not entirely sure, but it is here!.
Hope everyone had a good week as well. We spent lots of time with my stepdaughter, and this coming week I'm starting my ballet class!
Tina.