Bookworm- Lovely to hear from you! I totally understand, life has been hectic here as well with the holiday season! I am glad you are enjoying the story and thank you for the wonderful compliment on my writing! I am constantly striving to better my writing and it means a lot to hear that from you!

Novemeber 2018

I groan looking at the paycheque that mom had picked up for me when she ran into the city after school. Ken had come over with Owen, so she could be fed her other serving of baby cereal, which was becoming her favourite part of the day. She opened her mouth wide the moment a colourful spoon was seen. After a little bit of playtime, she settled for another feed before she went for another car ride with Daddy to the store. While I grabbed a banana and went upstairs to get ready for my own evening which was actually my appointment with Beth, and reworking my budget for November.

I look back at my paycheque. Only six hours of work, what was the point of working for a measly 250 dollars a month? I didn't work Saturday since she had been in the hospital that morning. This means I won't have anything to pick up for last week and it wasn't like I've had time to make that up. Maybe I managed a Tuesday and Thursday next week if she wants the help?

I open up my bullet journal and flip to my budget. Creating a new one, since my 1300 was now only about 1100 if I can make up a few hours.

550$ from the government's child benefit credit.
275$ from Ken( which amount came from the official tables from the government)
250$ of my contribution.

1075$

740$ for Daycare
100$ for Diapers, wipes, baby-related toiletries.
40$ for my bus pass.
50$ for Owens Savings account
50$ for my own Savings.
40$ for my share of the cellphone bill.
6$ For birth control( really it was 18$ every three months since they were sold in packs of three. I also know mom or dad will usually pick it up for me anyway if I ask and never take my money for it when I try to give it back to them)

49$ of spare money for the month.

Which means I had about 12$ a week essentially for anything I might need for myself or wanted for myself if I made up the hours anyway? This entire budget was suggestive.

At least when I was working during the week, I was bringing in double the amount. I had extra money to put into savings. I had a long talk with my parents about my stunt of driving myself to the hospital, how irresponsible I was for putting myself and Owen in danger. I couldn't even pay for a taxi even If I tried to, even so, they usually aren't baby seat friendly either.

I shouldn't complain. I know I lived rent-free, half of my cellphone bills, school fees are paid for. My parents feed me and buy her food as well during grocery shopping now that she is beginning solid food.

Still, I am technically grounded, no hanging out after school with Owen and the girls come straight home type of thing. They don't even really want me at Ken's which is why he came here today. I was also told so there are no repeats of my adventure. That I had to book my road test which was only twenty dollars thankfully, which I was also responsible for. If I was ready enough to drive by myself in the middle of the night with my baby, I was ready to take the test. Which wasn't a celebration as it would have been given if I hadn't done what I had done.

Still, I look at my small budget and groan and lay my head on my desk.

"Rilla it's time to go soon!" Mom calls out from down the stairs.

"All right," I call out and stash my journal in my bag and pull on my hoodie over my tee shirt. It was overly large on me and fell to cover my butt, but it was comfy and made me feel safe. If anyone asked it was one of my brother's hoodies and not one that I had never given back to Ken. Even if I knew the truth.

The drive is fairly quiet.

"Mme Loubert said you did really well on your French test," Mom says making conversation.

"That's good I guess?" I reply.

"Miss Brooks also said you weren't paying attention in class," She adds on.

"Well, I had a lot on my mind," I say with a shrug. "And it was a half of period of freewriting, I didn't know what to write, so I just didn't?"

"You do realize that if you do go into journalism, it is a lot of writing?" Mom asks carefully.

"I know, but it's also writing where I get a subject, a headline, keywords to follow potentially anyway. This whole creative writing doesn't always work when she wants it to work." I say sighing.

"Fair enough," Mom says agreeing. "You still need a backup course though at Holland college, and we would like you to try for university either way."

"Can we please just not right now?" I ask her, not wanting to get into college applications and everything else.

"Very well, Dad will pick you up at 7:30, I have to go to talk to Diana and Fred about tomorrow," she says as she drops me off.

"Sounds good," I say with a nod of my head.

The first few minutes of counselling were always the same. Asking how my last two weeks were and if there was anything in particular that I wished to talk about. So I explain that Owen had been sick and it's been fairly hectic. That I dropped some of my work shifts and that of course the hearing had been rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon. It doesn't take her by surprise, it had been in the news so I can only guess she already knew and was waiting for me to bring it up.

"How do you feel about the hearing?" Beth asks me.

I look at her for a good moment because I look back down at my lap. I sit cross-legged picking at my jeans on her office couch.

Shoes were off of course.

"I want it to be over with," I tell her honestly. "I just want everything to be over with honestly. I want to finish school, I want to work and not have to rely on everyone around me. At least when I was working more hours I felt like I was contributing more to Owens upkeep. I know I should be thankful that I have a home and parents who help me out, and that Ken just sends me support without having to ask for it, but I do nothing."

Through my eyelashes, I see her frown. "That's not true, you are raising her that has to count for a lot of things?" She asks me.

I want to say I rarely see her, especially since school started. I lean back, pulling my legs to my chest and I look up at her ceiling. I don't want to talk today, and she doesn't press me to talk much.

"Rilla?" Beth asked concerned

I look up at her and I look down.

"I wanted to hurt myself last night," I tell her quietly and she instantly sits up straighter.

"Did you?" She asks with a neutral voice.

"I just felt so useless," I reply not answering her. "I had five dollars in my bank account, there's not a lot I could do with five dollars. Even now with my paycheque from two Saturdays ago, was only sixty dollars which is nothing in the grand scheme of things I need to need to buy." I say to her.

"Why do you feel useless?" She asks me trying to understand me more it seems.

"I don't know? Everything thinks my parents pay for everything, that I'm some rich kid and they aren't exactly wrong. I know they're there if I need them to help out, but I also know that Owen is my responsibility first and foremost. Not theirs and that was made clear early on when I was pregnant. We were all taught to live within the means of our allowance growing up because a family with seven kids means theirs a budget. We don't have crazy vacations, no one got the Barbie dream house they wanted when dad spent too much time working. No one ever got a pony for Christmas despite how much was asked. No one got designer jeans, purses unless we bought them for ourselves by saving. Then there's me, and I can't even take care of her when she's sick? I feel like I'm just failing as a mother?"

I leave off the whole driving illegally thing. She doesn't need to know that.

"You're giving her some of the most important things, love being one of them." Beth reminds me. "Second, you're showing her not to give up when things get tough? Much like it sounds your parents did with you and your siblings?"

"I'm a mess though," I tell her.

"Yet you are here, does that not count for something?" She asks me. "Plus even the most confident parent has moments of doubt, no matter their age."

I only shrug my shoulder, stewing in my own thoughts for a moment.

"I didn't though, if that means anything to you," I tell her as her clock strikes 7:30.

"Is your daughter feeling better now, you never said?" She asks placing her notebook aside as I reach for my shoes.

"She is, thank you," I say quietly as slip on my shoes and take my sweater.

"Thank you for sharing today Rilla, " She says as a goodbye.

"I felt like I was in a sharing mood," I say with a shrug.

"If you need anything, just call the office," she adds on and I only nod my head.

I duck out of the office.

I take the keys from Dad who was waiting for me.

"Did you eat dinner?" He asks falling into step beside me.

"I wasn't hungry, so I had a banana before I dropped off Owen and caught the bus here," I explain to him.

I pull into a pita place at his insistence, for himself as well as he just finished for the day.

"Everything all right?" He asks as we sit and I pick at my salad.

I can only shrug. "I'm just tired? I didn't sleep well the last night." I tell him.

"Previously when you had trouble sleeping," Dad said after he swallowed his bite of pita. "Was that something I didn't pick up on?"

"I don't know?" I say with a sigh. I think back the grade 10, frowning at my memories that seemed so happy but were all tainted with all the pain I was shoving down inside me. "I just couldn't sleep for a little while? Maybe it was everything bubbling up, maybe it was because I wasn't eating a lot either."

I see Dad frown and brow furrow. I know he doesn't like it when he remembers how much he missed in the last few years when it came to me.

"I mostly ate for show, if someone was around, I ate. If no one was around, I wouldn't eat and had no one to tell me to. Rena and Ellie didn't care, Ellie was always going on about how unfair it was that I was skinny and I relished in it. I was skinny to her." I say quietly. "I think Olivia knew from the beginning in her own way. She always watched me eat, and chastised me for not eating enough, unknowing that I was pregnant at that. It doubled down when I told her about Owen." I tell him.

"Well, I knew there was a reason to like her," Dad chuckles before sobering. "We should have noticed, I knew you were slender, but your mother was so much of the same way at the age that I put it to just genetics."

"Back when you met at summer camp arts and crafts?" I ask him.

"I wasn't supposed to be there at that booth, so I like to call it fate," Dad grins like a young boy. "I didn't know she was only fifteen, and boy did she hate me that summer."

"What changed?" I asked thoughtfully.

"I had a car? Believe it or not your Mom and Aunt Diana snuck out to a party and got stranded probably a year later? I knew your Aunt Diana as we lived near each other. When she saw me she waved me down I drove them home, made sure they got in all right. I ran into your mom the next day walking home and we got to talking and she thanked me for saving them."

"And a year later Mom was pregnant?" I cluck my tongue and I push away my container and pop the lid back on it. I take a deep breath and I pull out my journal and open it to the page of my budget.

"I don't know what to do," I tell him. "If I work, my grades suffer, if I don't work I'm barely getting by. I can't ask Ken for more money. I know his parents are helping him out as he does his masters and works. I had no other way to get to the hospital when her fever spiked as high as it did. I'm not saying it was right of me, I'm just trying to explain that I didn't know what else to do." I tell him. "I don't even know how you and mom survived, I don't even pay rent and everything is gone as soon as it comes in"

"It's safe to your mother and I struggled a fair bit in those early years, and we also talked about emergencies and ways we could help rectify the situation. I know that they would have never sent an ambulance out to you unless it was critical and as much as we stressed you could have called a taxi. They don't have car seats and are notorious for taking forever to get out here to Glen. I'm sure you would have waited an hour and her fever was still spiking until the Tylenol kicked in." Dad says leaning back into his seat, pulling at his wallet. "Not that you should have driven by yourself either way, but we do understand to a point. Having a sick baby is nerve-wracking, I remember when Joy was little we probably did some questionable things as well." He tells me.

"I also know we wanted to raise you, in a way to ensure that you understood the value of money. They like to say money is no consequence when it comes to safety which is true but only to a point. Because whoever said that clearly has never had looked at their bank account and see either a two-dollar balance. Knowing that even payday isn't going to help at all because that is all allotted to something already and it still won't be enough." He adds on before sliding a credit card over the table to me. "There is one in the mail coming for you, it will be in your name and have a limit of 300 dollars that is connected to ours. It is for emergencies only, and I really stress emergencies Rilla. If Owen needs a prescription, or medicine that we don't have stocked in the cabinet." Dad explains

I nod my head in agreement and tuck the card into my wallet.

We pick up Owen from Ken's, I look around his place as he makes sure everything is packed. Photos of Owen graced his fridge, but where there was one of us back from my pregnancy that hung there since he put it up was gone. Most pictures that we had taken together, or he had taken of me and Owen were replaced with just Owen or him and Owen.

Understandable I suppose? Especially if he was dating.

"So tomorrow?" Ken says picking up the last of Owens things giving her one of her dinosaurs that was not a precious herb to hold onto on the drive home.

"Yeah," I say quietly and take the bottle of antibiotics that was almost finished. I give Jack a scratch behind the ears as he went and sniffed Owens car seat and nudged her foot with his snoot. As if he was saying goodbye and followed us to the door when I left, whining slightly. "You'll see her Saturday," I tell him quietly.

"I'll be by in the morning for her then," Ken tells me.

"I'll see you Saturday," he says to Owen. "Daddy loves you, be a good girl for your mommy," he says kissing her face multiple times after crouching down.

I pull at the black jumper dress, with a white blouse I was wearing underneath it. Complete with black tights and a pair of old Mary Jane shoes. I wasn't ready for this, but I was physically dressed and ready for this at least.

My faded hair was clipped back on the sides and played with my little booty charm on my necklace that had Owens birthday stone on it.

I turn around and pick her up from her crib and hold her close.

"I will protect you all I can, I never wish for you to know or ever feel like I have ever felt," I whisper kissing her forehead. She was feeling much better the past few days and back to normal thankfully.

She looks at me with her big grey eyes. Ken's eyes essentially. She babbles off a few sounds and sticks her first in her mouth.

"I know I know," I say kissing her again.

"Are you sure you don't mind watching her?" I ask Wynnie, who had Thursdays off from classes.

"We'll be fine," Wynnie reassures me. "She'll have a lovely time with Auntie Wynnie, won't you?" She says to Owen. "You look very nice as well," She says to me.

"It's Miranda's, she let me borrow it for today," I explain. "It's not too short is it?" I ask her, knowing Miranda was a few inches shorter than me. "Text me if she's being difficult," I pass her over. "We shouldn't be too long hopefully, I just fed her breakfast and nursed so she should be good for a while.

"I think we'll be all right," Wynnie says to me. "Just focus on the hearing and don't worry about her all right?"

I nod my head and give Owen one more kiss before I go out to the car where my parents were waiting.

The drive is quiet as I sit in the back seat of the car. Dad is dressed in his usual medical conference looks of dress pants and a sport coat, and mom is in one of her principal power suits.

I spot the girls standing with an RCMP officer, but then I spot Aunt Diana's dark hair and tall physique.

She embraces me when she sees me. "They were just waiting for you before going up," she tells me as I see Miranda and the other girls behind her. I nod my head and walk to them, Uncle Fred appears and ushers us up to the court's balcony and we all sit down.

"I was beginning to get worried," Miranda whispers.

"Took a moment to get out of the house," I say quietly. Ruby sits down on the other side of me, while Jemma and Katie were behind us. There were a few more girls, I didn't know as they must have gone to another school, but there were all about our ages.

The court was sombre, then again it is court, so what did I expect. Aunt Diana sits with us, while I assume most of our parents are in the gallery below. Aunt Diana came armed with a box of tissues and a large purse of what seemed like everything she could ever need.

I don't exactly know how things go, but Uncle Fred breaks it down for us quietly, explaining the process to us.

Maybe it was best we couldn't see him because even hearing his voice after 6 years was enough for our hands to become sweaty as we tremble.

"You are being charged with 100 counts of taking and possession of child pornography, how do you plead?"

"Not Guilty your honour,"

There was a hush upon the court.

"Very well, how to do you plead on the 20 counts of indecent behaviour and sexual assault to a minor,"

"Not Guilty,"

I let out a cry and choke back a sob. This wasn't completely a shock, who would plead guilty? But still, it hits harder than anything I felt before, even labour at this moment. Aunt Diana wraps her arm around me.

"Very well, we will set a date for a trial where you will receive a jury of peers. Does the defence have another to say?" The judge says.

"Yes, Your Honour, " The defence lawyer speaks. "We would like victim 23 to be thrown out at inadmissible as evidence."

"Under what grounds do you have for such request?" The judge asks and I look to Aunt Diana who is frowning.

23—23 is me?

"We are making the request as it is public knowledge that the victim shares a child with a man 6 years older than her. Clearly, she is just feeding lies to make people make her choices more excusable."

My breath leaves my body, as I feel Miranda grip my hand. I can't breathe, and there is a rustle of the talk below us.

"Are you accusing the victim of lying Mr. Watt?" The Judge says sharply to the defence lawyer.

"I am merely stating facts Your Honour," I can him smirk and it makes me want to vomit.

"Prosecutor, is there any truth to this?" The Judge says next.

"One of the victims is a young mother, but we have already investigated the matter and have found that it was completely an unrelated matter. We have spoken to the father and the victim's family it was a complete misunderstanding that changed their lives." I hear Inspector Morris, Uncle Fred Partner says. "Just as well, it was investigated when it was brought to the local polices attention about the age gap between them by a local healthcare worker. It was dismissed when nothing untoward was found. It is all untimely circumstance that they are making out of. We do however believe that her story is pertinent to this case and it shows just how much the defendant's actions affected the victim."

They had talked to Ken? As if they knew this could happen?

"Very well," the Judge says. "In light of this evidence. I would like all the victims that have accused the defendant of inappropriate behaviour to be evaluated by a court-approved therapist."

Court-approved therapy? I scramble out of my seat and bolt out of the balcony trying not to cry as I struggle to breathe.

They were using Owen to discredit me? To make it look like that I was lying about him?

Someone draws me into their arms, I'm not sure who it was, I don't care.

I'm in a daze and I don't even know how I even got home. It's like I'm on autopilot as I take care of Owen. I don't let myself even think about it until it was after bedtime and there is nothing to distract me from my thoughts.

I find myself at my parent's door, ready to knock but I can also hear them through the door.

"I knew this wouldn't be a good idea," I hear mom say to dad, as I stand by their door.

"It was her choice Anne, she's seventeen," Dad says to her, and I take a deep breath and knock on their door.

Dad opens it and takes one look at me before pulling me into his arms. He takes the baby monitor from my hand and mom pats the middle of the bed.

I haven't crawled into their bed since I was probably eight? I curl into Dad, while mom runs her fingers through my hair.

I want to ask if they knew, but I knew I wouldn't like that answer so I don't.

Thank you to my friend who helped me out when I finally was brave enough to dig into an actual counselling scene. Without you, I would be lost! So thank you for letting me pick your brain and expertise!

Of course, no one is going to plead guilty, and please note I am no authority of how court runs, and while I watch way to much Law and Order SVU, Canadian courts are slightly different and I know that. Google doesn't help much on how the court is run and what is said in court. Either way, Rilla was right to be worried that this would take over her life in a way.

Math is not my strong suit, and neither is Rilla's so if the budget doesn't necessarily add up correctly. Well, you can blame me for that, but hey it works out in the end!

Hope everyone had a good week!

Tina