Dear Bookworm- Sadly the defence will always try to shame and ridicule the victims. Your friend's story sounds like a delight! I hope this chapter is just as enjoyable.

December 2018

The aftermath of the trial is what one might expect really, just a harsh reality of what was still coming. Waiting, and wondering, counselling and more counselling with the court therapist. Who was nice, but she wasn't Beth. Maybe because I knew I couldn't run around my answer with too many words to try and not sound crazy?

Still, it was kept to the basics though she asked a lot about my childhood, the time Issac was my tutor, and the obvious things that were part of me. My obsessive ways when it came to food and my body. Where Beth took notice of such things, but never pressured me to give her answers if I didn't feel like answering that day. This one didn't leave much wiggle room, so it felt anyway.

So I let her know just how much I had hated my body between the ages of 11 and 16 by the way my journals. If they wanted to know how messed I am, was. How I was never good enough, perfect or thin enough. That I used cutting and starvation to try and achieve the unachievable. Those books would tell the tale in ways I may not be able to convey.

They want a picture of me, I would give them one that defined the girl I once was, and still am in some ways. I tell her about the party, about Ken and our agreement to be nothing more than friends because what else is there in this situation?

I can only imagine the words she uses to describe me and my issues.

Still, life goes on, it has to go on because there is no way for me to hide away or shriek my duties as a mother these days. I couldn't lie in bed and cry all day. I couldn't ignore Owen and I didn't want to get a clogged duct or mastitis. So I was up every morning doing our routine of stretching, milk, and breakfast and a quick shower.

I went to school, I went to work and picked up shifts to even out my paycheque. I practised for my driving test with mom and dad. I can only explain my parent's allowance of me to be with friends again, down to the hearing. At least if I was around people, friends I was less likely to stew in my room. Less chance to try and hurt myself I suppose?

I sit at the piano in a melancholy mood as I flip through the songs in my head. Playing parts of songs that I have memorized in my head. Lyrics swirl around in my head, to the point I sing them softly to myself.

Oh, what a shame

What a rainy ending is given to a perfect day

Just walk away

Ain't no use defending words that you will never say

And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through

I've never been anywhere cold as you

"I love you, you know that but I can't take it tonight Rilla," Mom says rubbing her temple. "I have too much work to get through. Go out, see friends, anything other than playing sad songs on the piano please. I'll listen and watch Owen," Mom says rubbing her temple. "I just need quiet and some time to work."

I look at her rather confused, she was telling me to go out. To go see friends and have fun?

I wasn't going to complain or ask any questions. I grab my cell phone and race upstairs. If I was lucky maybe I could catch them before they went to the hockey games I heard them talking about?

I throw on a cute outfit as Olivia tells me she'll pick me up on their way to the arena. I fluff out my curls with my finger at the roots, it's still slightly stained purple in spots but faded out back to its reddish colour.

"I love you, thank you," I kiss my mom's cheek wearing my jacket, which I planned to leave in Olivia's car. "Owen milk drunk and sleeping, she should be good for a few hours."

"I'll pick you up at 10," Mom says passing me ten dollars from her purse, glancing at her computer for the time. "So watch the time." She warns me and puts the baby monitor off to the side. I nod my head and dash out the door.

I skip out to the car and slide into Olivia's mom's car and soon enough we were at a hockey game of all places. Something I thought that would be possible lately given everything, but here I was, undoubtedly ill-dressed for the arena. I mean I was wearing woollen tights? That counted right?

I was wearing one of the plaid 90's dresses that Miranda had given me with a long-sleeved white mock neck sweater. Something that wasn't warm enough to ward off the chill from the ice. On my feet with sparkly platform mary-jane shoes.

I was laughing, I was happy, drinking hot tea from a styrofoam cup. Even Olivia couldn't get me to drink hot chocolate, and she gave up trying. I was laughing and having fun which she took as a good sign. Sure I was still checking my phone, thinking about Owen who was hopefully in bed, fast asleep. But at least I was out of the house, I wasn't sulking in my misery.

In a small vain of victory, I felt normal for the smallest amount of time and classmates who used to whisper behind my back, or spent our tween years making fun of me were the ones coming out and hugging me.

Because apparently half of my school was at the game, and the common room part of the community centre that was attached to the arena was open. It was warmer and had music going and teenagers dancing.

It was loud, and I wasn't sure if I liked it out not at first, laughter is contagious even in the most trying of times.

It was Olivia who pulls toward the throng of teens dancing. She's been vocal, she's been in the moment, scene and been bitching about Robbie after fighting about cancelling a visit, or missing a video call, only to later post something about being out with friends.

"You know what Rilla, fuck him. If he thinks I'm going to wait around for his call, he is wrong!" She tells me on the way to the Arena as she drives us.

Still, I do find myself lost in the music, my body reacting, moving in the beat with the precision that no one else quite had.

My hips swung in motions as I followed the lyrics of the song.

Yes, this was at least fun, it's been so long since I danced this way. I wonder if there was a winter formal this year?

There was a cheer from the crowds, someone scored a goal?

I hear Olivia catcall me and try and copy my moves.

"It's not fair how easily your body just moves!"

"I know I'm like every guy's dream and yet completely undatable," I said laughing out loud. Olivia frowns as the music changes. Whoever was in charge of this playlist was some hockey player's girlfriend most likely. Not that I am complaining, it was fun to dance too.

Miranda joins in as we all sing the words as I dance until I need to pee. I wave them off going to the old grimy arena washroom and lock myself in a stall.

"Isn't it annoying when all the high school kids just take over the games?" I hear someone say coming into the washroom.

"I mean it's a Friday night in Glen St Mary, what did you expect?" Another voice says.

"Fair enough, though of all the places to go out for a date, a hockey game?" One girl says with a sigh.

"Well, you are dating someone with a kid, I doubt he has a lot of extra money? I'm assuming he pays child support?" the other points out.

"I didn't really ask? Honestly, I still don't quite know how I feel about that whole thing you know. I like him and I believe he's sincere when he says it was all a messed up situation but still. It's a little weird sometimes you know? Like he had photos of her around when we first met? He put them away, or kept them in the nursery? Either way, he's paranoid about any other baby that could ever potentially happen. Like really I'm not an idiot, I can remember to take a pill?"

"Do you blame him though? Once is probably enough for him." The friend laughs. "If I had a baby from a one night stand I would be paranoid as well. Not to mention with someone who he said was a few years younger than him might make it worse as well? And you said, he said things just didn't work out between them?" I hear an affirmation and then footsteps. "Hey, you all right in there?" One of them asks when they see my shoes.

"Umm, kinda? I thought I had a tampon but I don't?" I say making something up why I might be locked in the bathroom stall.

"Oh girl, I got you," suddenly a darker-skinned hand was poking from underneath the stall door with a tampon.

"Thanks," I say weakly and wait for the door to shut.

I look at the tampon sighing. I shove it in my person and finally flush the toilet and pull up my underwear and tights.

I wash my hands and look in the mirror. I take a deep breath and make myself smile. I find Olivia and Miranda waiting for me by the bathroom when I finally exit.

"Ken's here, with a girl," Miranda says rather loudly.

"Sure tell everyone," Olivia says rolling her eyes.

"I know," I say simply. "Pretty sure she unknowingly just gave me a tampon," I tell him.

"Oh girl, did you get it again that sucks?" Olivia asks.

"No, I just needed an excuse of why I was hiding in a toilet stall," I say shaking my head.

"Let's go dance?" I say, telling them I didn't want to leave just yet.

I can spot Ken a mile away, he wasn't expecting me to be here that was safe to say. I stay away, I stay far away as possible. Grouped in the pit of teenagers trying to feel older, and cool that they were out. How long has he been here?

I was leaning against the wall in a little alcove as waiting for Miranda and Olivia who were getting pretzels and water for themselves as the music stopped from technical difficulties.

"You should come over to my place, stay the night?" I heard her ask him to the corner, I am shielded by the pillar behind them.

"I can't stay over, I have to work in the morning" Ken hums to himself, I hear them kiss. "You can come over and I can drive you home in the morning? I only work a half-day tomorrow, but I told Rilla I'd probably be by to see Elowen after work as I usually do."

"Why don't you have a nickname for her? Ellie would be less of a mouthful?"

"We do call her Owen, but it's also my father's name so I try to differentiate when she's not around. Plus she has an aunt named Wynnie, and Rilla doesn't like Ellie for a nickname." Ken explains. "Plus I like Elowen, I found it after all."

"She's here tonight isn't she?" I hear her ask him.

"She is, which is a surprise. Last time we spoke earlier today after she finished work was going home to catch up on homework?" He says simply. "If I had known, I would have suggested another place. She knows about you, somewhat anyway. It's not exactly a secret, but it's not something we obviously talk about. We both sorta agreed once that unless it's serious, serious as in thinking about introducing Elowen to anyone. To just not talk about, as it neither of our business what the other does in their spare time?"

"Makes sense I suppose?" I feel like I can hear her frown. "You don't still have to feel for her do you?"

"If I had feelings for her would I be here with you?" He says simply. "Come on, let's get out of here?

Suddenly they are gone, and I can breathe again. It's not like I meant to overhear them, I was on the other side of the pillar first from what I recall.

The girls come back carrying drinks and pretzels for us. I take a long drink and see Ken looking back at us when saying goodbye to someone.

I give him a shaky smile and nod my head to him before turning to my friends. We eat and drink waiting for the music to begin once again and when it does we all giggle and shriek. Acting our age as we freak out. Singing our hearts out as we bounced to the music that was loud overhead.

We're all bored, We're all so tired of everything

We wait for trains that just aren't coming

We show off our different scarlet letters, Trust me, mine is better

I really did have a scarlet letter, babies will do that when you have them young, but we all have them in some way I am learning as I go through life.

We're so young, But we're on the road to ruin,

We play dumb but we know exactly what we're doin'

We cry tears of mascara in the bathroom, Honey, life is just a classroom

We sing, scream the words in each other faces. Because it feels like everyone she's saying is true. We like to play dumb so often, our teachers, and most likely our parents underestimate us most of the time. Or at least we think we fool them?

This whole song was all a metaphor for high school in many ways this song, to have you group of friends around you that care for you. One who will drop things at the tip of a hat or a single phone call. To let you vent and cry when you needed.

It was something I didn't know I needed to hear. I didn't know I need to sing at the top of my lungs with my friends in a crowd of kids.

We need love, But all we want is danger

We team up, Then switch sides like a record changer

The rumours are terrible and cruel, But honey, most of them are true

Rumours were terrible and true, and most of them had an ounce of truth if you dissected it enough. At least knowing Ken was gone I could breathe easier and somehow as waited outside the washroom for Liv and Miranda I made eye contact with a boy walking boy who smiled back at me for the first time in a long time.

He wasn't from our school. That was sure when he made the move to try and dance with me, to kiss me and I didn't stop him. When he asked for my number, Miranda interrupted falling into me.

"She's not available to date right now, plus she's about to turn into a pumpkin," she joked.

"Oh, well 'night then," he says rather confused as I am dragged off.

They wait outside with me as I wait for Mom to pick me up.

"I can't believe we got invited to a party!" Miranda gushes. "It sucks you can't come along?"

"Yes, sadly I turn into a pumpkin at 10 pm," I tell her. Part of me wants to, but I know if I'm not waiting for mom when she arrives there will be hell to pay. "And my pumpkin is most likely going to need me," I remind them. Miranda hasn't been around enough to realize just how much work Owen is, but Olivia gets it.

"Be safe," I hug them both as mom pulls up and I slide into the car.

"I didn't realize the '90s were back in style, also where is your coat?" Mom says shaking her head when she sees what I wore to the hockey game

"It's vintage," I say shrugging. "It's in Olivia's car, I'll pick it up sometime this weekend."

"The 90s is not vintage. Also, your sister had a dress like that when she was 13," Mom tells me. "Do the girls need a ride home?"

"No, they are going to another party," I tell her shaking my head.

"I don't like the sound of that," Mom frowns.

"Well, they got permission," I tell her, okay maybe that was a lie. I really have no idea if they had permission or not.

"Did you have fun?" Mom asks curiously.

"It was loud and a lot of people. We danced and laughed." I tell her smiling lightly. "Thank you again, though I feel like I need a bath now? Did you get your writing done?" I ask her.

"Sounds about right," She said. "Still working on it, but it's coming along," She tells me. "I needed a break from it though."

I nod my head and look down at my phone, it flashed me the latest photo I had on my screen of Owen.

"Owen was all right?" I ask her.

"Slept the entire time," Mom nods her head. "Gave your brother the monitor to listen in on her before leaving."

"I kissed someone," I tell her.

"You kissed someone? Do you know his name?" Mom asks me raising her eyebrows glancing at me.

I shrug.

"Rilla," Mom shakes her head at me.

"What you want me to be more honest with you," I remind her. "Don't make me regret it. I kissed someone, it was nice and I'll never see him again."

I don't tell her about Ken and his girlfriend being there. There was no point in that. When I get home I take a quick shower before I change into comfy clothes. I should probably just go to bed, but my mind is still racing.

I lay in bed, with a book for English on my phone, trying to read but I do nothing but stare at my ceiling.

It was midnight when I crawled into bed after nursing Owen who woke up wanting me, seeing one missed call and voicemail. I listen to it before I jump up from bed, shooting Olivia a text to say I heard her message and would figure something out.

I race downstairs and see some typing away on her computer.

"I hope that's not about me," I say automatically.

Mom turns her head and gives me a look. "I give you everything I write that pertains to you and us," she tells me. "What's wrong?"

"Olivia just called me, I was nursing so I didn't see it. It's a mess of a message, but it sounded like Miranda wasn't well or acting weird after having a drink at the party they went to?" I tell her.

Mom tosses her computer aside and gets up. "Give your brother the baby monitor," she tells me and grabs her jacket. "Do you know where they are?"

"Jack Arnold's house?" I tell her, Jack was Fred's younger brother. "Out on lilac drive?"

"Got it," Mom says grabbing her keys.

I run downstairs and toss Shirley the monitor and say I will explain later.

The drive doesn't take too long, it's not a large town after all.

I look at mom when she drives up to the house that isn't hiding that it was holding a party.

She nods her head and I slid out of the car, I shiver as the night hair is cold. The door is open, and I walk in, some people give me a strange look. Ignore it trying to find Olivia. It's a mix of college and high school students, mostly seniors but a few juniors were standing about. Then again I was one of those kids once upon a time.

"Rilla I didn't imagine seeing you here," I hear Fred Arnold's voice before I saw him.

"Uh, yeah I came to find Olivia, she called me she sounded worried," I tell him. "Have you seen her?"

"No, I haven't," he frowns looking me over in my yoga pants and stained long-sleeved henley shirt that I had changed into when I got home. "How's the baby?"

"She's fine, I'm sorry I really don't have time to talK I need to find Olivia and Miranda is here as well," I tell him.

"Oh, well Miranda was around here, if they called maybe try one of the bathrooms?"

"Thanks," I roll my eyes at him and go in search for the bathroom. I step around people, walking through the house that I know well enough in the back of my mind. I know that down that hallway and stairs is where I lost my virginity.

I shake my head not wanting to think about that experience. I find the bathroom and knock on the door.

"Liv, Miranda?" I call out and it takes a moment when the door opens.

"I don't know what's wrong with her, she was fine one moment and then she was acting strange," Olivia says frightened and I see Miranda sitting against the bathtub looking out of it as Olivia held a water glass, and kept trying to get her to drink.

"Come on, mom is waiting, she'll know what to do?" I say hopefully. We to haul her up to her feet.

"Rilla?" She rambles, her eyes glassy. She trips on the rug.

"Drank too much?" Fred says coming up behind us.

"She had two drinks, I think someone put something in her drink" Olivia spits at him. "Are you going to help us or not?" She says to him.

Fred takes Miranda for us. "You think someone drugged her?" He says hushedly.

"I don't know, but something isn't right? Some guy kept hitting on her, and wouldn't take no for answer when she said she had a boyfriend." Olivia snapped at him.

We make it out of the car and Mom is waiting, looking at the situation like the principal she was.

"Mr. Arnold," she says to Fred, and I almost see him visibly shrink.

"Mrs. Blythe," he says quietly as he holds Miranda.

"We'll put her in the car, you might want to clear out before someone calls the cops on the underage drinking," she warns him.

"It was only supposed to be a few friends," he tries to explain.

"It always is, but then something always happens," she raised one of her arched brows at him before getting in the car, Olivia and I following.

"Where are we going?" I ask her.

"To your father, though we need to call Miranda's father," She says. "Please tell me your Mother knew you were at a party," she directs to Olivia.

"Kinda?" Olivia says embarrassed and mom shakes her head. "We went to the hockey game, and got invited back to the party?"

"No Dad," Miranda speaks up, her words slurring together. Fighting to stay awake at this point.

"Yeah, that's not, not happening," Mom says slightly under her breath. "Did you take anything Miranda, anything that even looked like a piece of candy?"

"Mr. Pryor, I'm sorry to call you so late at night this is Anne Blythe, I have your daughter in my car right now. There is a possibility that someone may have tried to drug her at a party, I'm driving to the hospital," Mom says in her principal voice-over speaker.

"I will meet you there," he says before hanging up.

"Call your mother Olivia," Mom tells her next. "Tell her you're with me, and to call me if she needs to. Are you feeling all right?" She finishes off by looking at Miranda who practically passed out in her seat. Every once in a while, opening her eyes but never said a word.

"I'm fine, I already texted her," Olivia tells me, mom.

It was a rush a panic when we arrived, Dad was waiting at the door as she called him next and he took Miranda and carried her inside. Mom went with her, and we waited for Mr. Pryor to arrive, not long after we did.

We sat in the emergency until Dad came out telling us she was going to be fine and thanked Olivia for looking out for a friend, that she most likely saved Miranda from a lifetime of emotional trauma for her quick thinking.

"Why do I feel like I see way too much of this place?" I yawn as we make out leave as I lean on mom.

"Probably because you have more this year than your entire lifetime?" Mom says and kisses the top of my head.

We drop off Olivia, making sure she get in all right, before going home ourselves.

Owen is still asleep and I strip off my sweater and pyjama pants and crawl into my little bed. I look at my phone one last time before curling up in my blankets.

This chapter gave me a fair amount of grief, and honestly still not sure if I even really like it. But it's up and here because it is. So I hope everyone enjoys it for what it is.

Song lyrics are by Taylor Swift. The first is Cold as You, and the second song is new Romantics.

Tina