January 2019
"First the rules," Dad starts off as I look at him. "You have thirty dollars for gas a week which should be plenty as you are only driving to and from school. Along with picking up or dropping off Owen, to work and dance," Dad tells me holding out a set of car keys. It was Wednesday but it was a PA day from school and then next week was the start of exams.
The keys though weren't much of a surprise to me. Mom had gotten a new car and after a great discussion. It was decided I would have use of her old car until I could manage my own since island public transit was never the greatest.
"Insurance will be covered until you graduate in June, then you will be expected to find some sort of job that will have the hours to cover yourself. It's about 75$ a month." Mom adds on to Dad's spiel.
"This is a privilege, this isn't a way for you to go out and do what you want. Unless you are working the car is home by 11 pm. There is absolutely no drinking and driving. This is to get you from point A, to point B. This doesn't mean you can just go out when you want. You are allowed one passenger beside you beside Owen, two if we know ahead of time and what the plan is."Dad continues.
"You follow and obey all the rules of the road, wear your seatbelt and if there is an emergency and we are home you come to us first." He adds on. "This is still your mother's car, this is not your car. You are merely borrowing it until you can afford to save up for your own as your sibling has done before you. Of course, we have made the exception because of obvious circumstances."
"I got it," I say nodding my head before letting me reach for the keys. It was really a lacklustre moment in all.
"Go drop off Owen," Mom tells me. "As long as you are back to pick her up in time you may go see Olivia or Miranda."
"Can I?" I start to ask before shutting up.
"Could we?" I ask bubbling with excitement. "Visit the thrift store? I have some money from Christmas?" I say hopefully.
"I don't understand this whole fascination with thrifting lately," mom says shaking her head. "When I did it back in the 90's everyone complained that it was not cool enough."
"But Can I?" I ask her again, before looking at Dad.
"Don't spend all your money," Mom warns me. "Drive safe, don't get distracted."
"No more than fifty dollars," I tell them as I hug her and then dad. I dress Owen in her warm clothes and grab her bag of things as Tank wanders and plops down beside her. Letting her crawl all over him, he really was patient with her.
I wave to my parents as they watch in the window as I back out of the driveway. Owen babbling in her car seat as I turned on her children's music mix.
Ken was waiting for me when I pulled up to his apartment. Dressed in his winter coat he hurries out to help me with her.
"Rather a strange sight to see," he says as I get out of the car as he already grabbing Owen and her car seat. Grabbing the other bag from my side of the car
"They figured it easier than driving me around," I say with a shrug as we hurry toward the lobby and out of the cold. "Still a bit frightening though," I tell him honestly. "So she just had breakfast and a good feed before leaving the house, but for your freezer," I handed him a bag with bags of milk. "Ignore the colour of it, I ate a bunch of carrots so it's rather orange," I tell him. Though really I once gave him green-tinted milk and he barely batted an eye at it.
"Duly noted," Ken nods his head as if he was going to say something but doesn't.
"If she's fussy call me, I can stop by and nurse if she doesn't want a bottle or sip cup," I tell him.
"Of course," Ken nods his head. "But try not to worry too much, we got this, right Owen. We'll let mommy have a day to herself?"
I watch him for a moment before nodding my head. I kiss Owen goodbye, telling her I would see her in a few hours before I head back to the car.
The next stop was Olivia's where Miranda was already at.
"Get in bitches, we're going shopping!" I yell out the open window, mimicking one of the many iconic lines of mean girls with the heater blasting because it was winter after all.
"Look at your driving," Olivia laughs as she jumps into the passenger side and does up her seatbelt. While Miranda slides into the open seat in the back.
"How Owen?" Miranda asks looking at the car seat. "She didn't forget her Dino did she?"
"She good and with Ken, and no Ken has one permanently at his place, we have one for the car and one in my room. You know you have to cover your bases with those toys." I tell her. "Though my god, totally bit me today though, my boob still hurts from it. I actually bled from it!"
"I love how you hold nothing back." Olivia laughs and shakes her head. "Though what do you do stick a bandaid on it?"
"Actually I just rubbed some breastmilk on it," I tell her and she looks at me and shakes her head knowingly. She knew if Owen has a rash of some sort, I often just threw some milk in her nightly bath. She didn't understand how it work, and neither did I, but it seemed to work.
We all make small conversation as I concentrate on driving to one of the thrift stores we like. We stop and get some coffee of course
"Do you think you'll go to prom?" Olivia asks as we browse the rack. I have a few teeshirts in my hands, as well as a pair of jeans.
"Probably? I don't see them wanting me to truly miss out on things?" I say as I go through the racks.
"Dad worried about prom," Miranda says to us with her own pile of clothing. "I tried to tell him actual prom will be fine, and that I don't any of else will be tempting any afterparties."
"Okay, you need to try on this, though!" Olivia tells me holding up some slinky emerald green dress.
I raise my eyebrows, feeling the fabric. "Where did you find that?"
"Over here in the vintage stuff," She shows me.
"It's from the 1930s a silk rayon fabric," The girl who was working comes up to us. "I think it might actually fit you, it's tiny but so are you." I probably should have asked how much it was first, but I don't.
It takes a minute to understand the dress, it doesn't work with my bra, and you can see the lines of my underwear as well. But it fits like a glove and it's glorious, the feeling is glorious as I spin around in it. The swish of the skirt at my feet, I'm afraid to ask for the price, I don't want to know the price. Because I know I'll never be able to afford it.
It doesn't matter in the end...because I buy it. Knowing it won't go over will with my parents.
I twirl into the kitchen where both of my parents are in the dress that I had bought. I had run upstairs with it, hoping if they saw it first maybe they wouldn't be too mad at me?
"Isn't it wonderful!" I exclaim.
Mom focuses on me first, eyes widening at the sight of my dress.
"So I may have gone over budget and I know you usually take us prom dress shopping. But it's amazing." I spurt out.
"It has no back!" Dad blurts out shaking his shock.
"It's not that low?" I say twisting my neck to try and see the back of it. It doesn't really work that well. It has a high neck and some strange seaming around the waist and bust. The side covered the sides of my breasts, swooping down into the low back, where shiny rhinestones attached the two loose straps connected to the straps of the dress.
"It's completely open, the straps do nothing," Dad says shaking his head and mom is still strangely silent.
"It's fine Gilbert," Mom says finally. "I didn't realize you were looking for prom dresses already?"
"I wasn't, but I tried it on for fun and I couldn't just leave it there?" I try to explain myself.
"How much?" Mom asks me with a sigh setting down her coffee cup.
"It was 175," I say quietly. "It's mostly rayon, not silk which why is so cheap?" Okay, I may have asked Di for that clarification in a text.
I watch mom and dad look at each other and as if they are talking mentally to each other.
"Don't you think you should have cleared it with us before such a purchase?" Dad says. "You won't even be able to wear proper undergarments, this isn't even appropriate for prom."
"Nan and Di's dresses were skirts and crop tops! Plus I used my Christmas money?" I say argue back. I keep expecting Mom to say something, to tell me off but she doesn't.
"There will come a time when you will spend your money and not think of the future and when you need it won't be there," Dad says simply. "I hope that will be a lesson enough for you."
"Then what? You want me to return it?" I ask him and continue looking at mom.
"Go change, we can talk about this later," Dad tells me sternly. I don't argue because it's Dad, and what Dad says goes. Mom says nothing except shake her head and walk to their bedroom.
I was still sulking in my dress when Dad comes upstairs.
"You really hurt your mother's feelings today," Dad tells me from the doorway.
"Because I spent when I shouldn't have?" I say shrugging.
"No, because she lost her took chance to take you to dress shopping. She made a day of it with Joy and later Nana and Di," Dad says. "She didn't get to do any of that after all."
"She didn't go to prom?" I ask frowning.
"She was nine-month pregnant, they may have let her graduate but prom was off the table," Dad reminds me gently.
"I didn't know though?" I tell him.
"Rilla, she keeps asking you to keep a Sunday afternoon open to go shopping." He reminds me.
"Well, I thought she meant for other things? She didn't tell me it was for dress shopping, I didn't even know where you even stood on prom."
"We would never take away prom Rilla. We may ask you to come home unlike the other kids and not go to any after parties, but we wouldn't cancel prom for you," Dad tells me a matter of factly.
"I really don't think anyone is up for any sort of house or beach party," I remind him about Miranda.
"Well, thank goodness for that," He replies rather sarcastically.
"And it's not any one of us are virgins thinking prom night is going to be our night," I add on mostly to see what he would do.
"It shouldn't matter anyway, it should only be one is comfortable and ready for such things. Not some antiquated unwritten rules that have come about from the media." Dad rattles off. "Though I have done my fair share of pregnancy tests because of prom night. Though I am sure Jem will have me beat going into obstetrics."
"Still something weird to me," I say shaking my head.
"He likes babies, he always did," Dad shrugs. "You see him with Owen."
"I know," I say chewing my lip. "What happened that made you dismiss the field?" I ask him thinking back to hazy memories of my own labour. Mom tells him to be quiet at one point.
"The first baby I helped deliver during my rotation ended up being stillborn. We tried everything, but there was nothing we could do. Seeing the mother and father realize, thinking about Joy and your mother who was pregnant with Jem at the time. I just couldn't do it."
I only nod my head to him and stay silent for a moment.
"It's not like we still can't go shopping?" I tell him. "I still need shoes and hair accessories and pantyhose. We can still go and do that together?"
"That will be something for you to talk about with your mother, but I think you have to get ready for dance?" Dad says looking at his watch.
Right dance, my first day back to class.
"Do you want a ride or are you good at driving yourself?" He asks me, even if he knows the answer.
"I'll be fine I think, it's not supposed to snow until later tonight right?" I ask him looking at my weather app.
Dad nods his head and leaves my room. I grab my bag and search for the leotard I planned on wearing this evening.
It was truly a little nerve-wracking being back in class, it didn't matter she knew all the girls. Even if they all did seem a touch younger than she remembered?
I try my best not to compare myself to the others around me. I don't even like to look in the mirror. Tessa was overjoyed, to say the least, to have me back in class again, I didn't want to let her down. Though it also involved a lengthy talk with my parents in her office.
Tendu- pointe, hold, flex, hold, bring back to centre, right leg, left leg. I may stretch and do works out every morning. But the class was always different it made me remember how out of shape I was. At least I hit the point of breastfeeding that my boobs were relatively stable in size, maybe not even as large as before which was nice?
Still, I fall in the routine of class allowing myself the pure emotion to flow through me.
"Now I want everyone to think about what they possibly may want for the spring recital this year. You can audition your pieces and show me the music. If you need help with anything I am always here of course, but you should all be thinking about what you want." She tells us. "This is your time to express yourself and it would highlight your talents. It can be pointe, it can be en Terre it matters not to me. I just want you ladies to express yourself."
"Yes Miss Tessa," the girls chant around me.
I had forgotten about spring recitals, but having a baby will do that to you.
"I'm surprised she's back," I hear someone whisper. "I mean did you see her nipples through her leotard. I would be way too embarrassed to even think about having them show." I knew I should have stuck in some reusable nursing pads but they would show through.
"You just jealous because she's still better than you," I hear someone defend me. "I'm glad she dancing again. My mom works at the courthouse I heard something about panic attacks and crying."
I look at the clock as everyone leaves. Tessa gives me a small nod and smile before walking to the office, leaving me hair a few moments alone. I have a few minutes before I have to leave to pick up Owen at Ken's. I hit play on the cd player and just move. Twist and turn, spin jump until the song ends. I want to stay longer but I know that I can't.
I don't bother changing as I change out of my slippers into my shoes.
"It's lovely to have you back in class again Rilla," Tessa says to me when I tell her I am heading home.
"It's nice to be back," I say quietly. "I'll see you on Saturday."
"I look forward to it," Tessa says nodding her head to me.
I throw my bag into the car and lock the locks as I sit in the car for a good long moment. I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to scream at the ocean and have it echo back at me. I take a deep breath before I do up my seat belt and turn on the ignition of the car letting it warm up as I check my phone.
Hope you have fun tonight.
Joy tells me in a text message.
I did, I hope you are feeling all right?— I ask her.
Meh, seriously you made it look easy. I look and feel like a drowned rat, this nausea refuses to go away—
Joy seems to be ten times sicker than I was, but I remember early nausea and it wasn't fun at all. Being tired all the time.
Suddenly my phone rings and it's Joy.
"Did you have weird dreams? I swear I keep having the strangest dreams. I actually dreamed that somehow they mixed up the samples that Matt gave with some ex-boyfriend somehow and I was pregnant with his baby. I mean clearly, it is Matt's it can only be Matt's, but these dreams." Joy rattles off.
I laugh lightly.
"Dreams are normal, I had some strange ones as well," I tell her. "Don't remember them much anymore but I know I had some."
"I don't know how you managed everything, you went to school, dance and work and just dealt with it," Joy says weakly.
"I took a lot of naps? I say unsure of what else to say. "I have to drive home can I text you when I get home with Owen?"
"Oh right of course! Drive safe," Joy says before bidding me goodbye and hanging up the phone. I think about Joy as I drive though maybe I did have an easy pregnancy? I want to say I felt horribly big all the time and that my hips hurt. Whenever Joy asks me about something I find myself unsure of how to answer. Sorry I didn't have those symptoms? I was always second-guessing what to tell her. It seemed all so wrong and backwards that she had all the issues and symptoms and I had a relatively easy nine months.
I concentrate on the road, as I should since it's snowing and I haven't had driven much in many storms as of yet.
The snow is blowing hard as I pull my coat around me grab my bag with the keys I still had to Ken's place. I run over to the door, and let myself in. I run up the stairs and I knock on his door waiting for him to open it.
It takes a moment but I can hear Owen crying louder and louder until he opens the door.
"What's wrong," I ask going for her. Feeling her forehead but she didn't seem warm.
"I think some of her teeth are bothering her," he says with a sigh. "Diaper should be dry, she had dinner and some milk in a sip cup."
I carry her over to her to the couch rocking her as I do. "What's wrong Elowen," I ask her patting her bottom. I cradle her, running my hands over her body and her head. No fever thankfully.
"Can you text my mom?" I ask him above the crying. "I don't want her to worry if I'm not home in the next half hour," I tell him. "Especially since it's snowing out right now."
Ken nods and grabs his phone from the table, doing what I asked.
I try nursing her but she doesn't want to latch. We tried bathing her, and giving her teeth rings to chew on. I check every inch of her baby soft skin for any cut, bruise, possible hair that could be wrapped around her little toes.
I could feel her teeth under her gums and when the numbing gel did help relieve her pain. We finally decided to give her a small dose of infant pain relief. Rocking her until she was almost finally asleep before lying beside her crib. Then I curled up on the small bed that Ken had set up for when she was older, as she finally got to sleep.
I woke up disorientated, confused when I hear Ken talking on the phone in hushed tones. I glance at my phone, 1:30 am. I have a few messages and calls from my parents. I can hear Ken groggily talk on the phone. -
"I'm sorry that we fell asleep. Owen was having a fit, she wouldn't stop crying. She wouldn't let us put her down—," Is he talking to one of my parents? I mean they knew I was here right?
"I understand, it was not the plan but we fell asleep—." Ken says. "We didn't mean to make you worry, I just didn't want to send Rilla home with a fussy baby and trying to drive as well, not to mention the storm. I'll make sure she gets home in the morning."
Owen begins crying and I go to her, picking her up so I can cuddle her close as she nuzzles me. I let her nurse while I was lying down in bed pulling the blankets up around us as I feel a chill. Ken most likely doesn't worry about the temperature of his place at night. I almost doze back off, until I hear Ken talk once more.
"I'm not going to wake her up, it's the middle of the night. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to come over Mona, but it was snowing and Owen was being fussy."
Mona, oh god, I most likely ruined his relationship.
"She's the mother of my child, I am not waking up her or my daughter and telling her to go home in the middle of the night. She's fine here, she sleeping in the nursery, not to mention the roads are shit and it's still snowing." He says through his teeth and is silent for a moment. "Mona, I'm being a father, a father who is trying to make sure that the mother of my child isn't doing it all herself. Something people expect from men like me," Ken tells her.
It is silent again for a good moment, he says something else I can't quite hear this time.
I open my eyes to find Ken watching me in the small single bed. Owen blocking most of my boob from view, plus it was dark anyway.
"Was that my parents?" I ask simply.
"Yeah your mom, she was worried but she understands." He tells me, not mentioning his other call as he focuses on Owen for a brief moment. "It's still snowing and the power is out, and the roads are shit. I can give you something warm to sleep in. I have a gas fireplace working so it might be warmer for you and Owen to sleep out there? " I realize I'm still in my sweaty leotard, tights underneath my pair of knit warm-up overalls I had for dance.
It dawn on me this was his first night with Owen in his own place. Given that she still nursed at night and nursing was the only thing that put her to sleep most times.
I only nod my head to him. He leaves the room and comes back holding a pair of plaid flannel pyjama pants and warm socks.
"Your mom thinks it will end up being a snow day tomorrow, it's pretty bad out. So you shouldn't have to worry about school," he tells me placing the clothes on the rocking chair.
I simply nod my head. He leaves the room quietly. I change into the pyjama and pull on the socks he also gave me. I wrap myself up in blankets and find Owen's fleece sleep sack to keep her warm. I find him making a makeshift bed in the play-pen for Owen and some blankets on the couch for me.
"Isn't it cold in your room?" I ask him as he was going to leave. He looks at me for a moment before nodding his head. We camp out in his living room for the night covered with blankets, it reminds me of the nights so many months ago. I sigh and roll over on the couch, I can't go there again and I know that.
Hope everyone had a lovely week! Thank you to everyone who commented on the past week.
Tina