Stepping off the last step onto the snow-covered path, Nathan finished wrapping his scarf around his neck. Looking up and back over his shoulder, Nathan saw the light from Ally's window. His daughter had cheerfully ushered him out the door when he had said Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Carter had offered to stay with her briefly.
Yes, he may have taken on the responsibility of caring for her almost ten years ago but Nathan knew he was not the only one worrying. As Ally had gotten older, she had become more and more aware of his moods. Though he tried to hide his concerns and negative feelings from her, Nathan was aware that he had not always been successful. Ally's impassioned plea at the inquiry had made that very evident.
At this point, Nathan knew they were looking out for one another. It reminded him of the relationship he'd had with his own mother when he was Ally's age. He had taken on responsibilities beyond his years during his own childhood. Despite not wanting Ally to experience that, he had been unable to avoid it. Perhaps it was just a part of single parenthood. Just like he had been unable to avoid Ally's heart getting broke in this situation with Elizabeth. He had not been aware of just how much Ally had her heart set on having a mother figure in her life. That coupled with her desire to see him happy had meant a major disappointment when Elizabeth had chosen Lucas over him.
Nathan was determined not to put Ally through that again. Ally's happiness was even more important to him than his own.
Sometimes, Nathan thought that Ally might say the same thing about him.
Looking from the window, Nathan looked toward the buildings of town. He was not exactly feeling in a social mood. His eyes drifted from the pinprick lights of town to the direction that the schoolhouse that served as Hope Valley's church sat.
Nathan had not been to a church service since before Ally's accident. He had told Joseph that it was simply because he was too busy with work and taking care of Ally. That had only been a half truth. Nathan had also been avoiding church because he had been having trouble praying ever since that night of her surgery. Every prayer he had attempted since then had led to him questioning God. Nathan knew from experience that the questions would soon lead to a one-sided shouting match at God, just like after Colleen had died. It had taken six months for him to sort out his relationship with God after his sister's death.
After hearing about Dylan's confession the other night, that anger he had felt with God back then had quickly resurfaced again.
Still, perhaps if he had a good shouting match with the almighty it might help make room for God's forgiveness to find him sooner this time around.
With a lantern in hand, Nathan let his footsteps take him toward the schoolhouse. The lights were out in the little building now. Despite that, Nathan walked up the steps. Opening the door, he stepped into the building. Though he had been in the building with just Elizabeth, the one room schoolhouse seemed bigger and lonelier without even her presence. Passing the dedication plaque, Nathan held the lantern up to see the words. He ran his fingers over the words dedicating the building to the memory of Constable Jack Thornton.
Nathan had been under no delusion when he had requested Hope Valley for a posting. He knew Jack had served this little town for almost five years before his death. You did not stay in one place for that long without having made connections with the people. He had known that Jack had left behind a widow. Hargraves had pointed that out along with the reminder that Jack Thornton had taken the assignment that he should have been doing. The assignment that he would have been on if not for his choice to disobey the order to wait for back up and go after the cattle rustlers.
One decision had changed so many people lives.
Though he had considered putting in for the posting earlier, at first Nathan had decided it would be best for Ally if he kept a low profile with his superiors. Especially as Hargraves had not been happy about the outcome of that first inquiry. That choice had resulted in a string of temporary assignments, which had moved Ally from one school to another. That, along with the story of Jack Thornton's widow giving birth to his son on Christmas Eve, had led to Nathan requesting the Hope Valley posting. A posting that other Mounties had been trying to avoid, as they did not want to try taking Constable Jack Thornton's place.
No, he might not have known that his choice to go after the cattle rustlers would lead to someone else taking his assignment to train those recruits. Yes, he had been cleared of the insubornation charges brought against him as a result of that choice. Giving the information he had at the time, Nathan knew he would make the same choice rather than let the cattle rustlers go free. It had been Hargraves choice to replace him with Jack Thornton for the training position. Nor did he have any control over acts of nature.
Jack Thornton's death was not his fault but was not the best way to honor a fallen brother's memory was to look out for his family.
"I never meant to deceive anyone, Jack," Nathan said quietly as he looked at the name. "Especially not Elizabeth. Perhaps I should have been more open about why I came to Hope Valley, but Elizabeth had seemed to have come to terms with everything. She was the first to openly accept my presence here. I did not see what good bringing up a subject that would open healing wounds would cause. Nor did I intend to fall in love with her."
"I never intended to fall in love with you either," a soft voice replied, startling Nathan.
Getting over the surprise, Nathan looked in the direction of the door. There in the doorway of the schoolhouse stood Elizabeth. Nathan could feel the heat rising in his cheeks.
"I did . . . I did not realize anyone else was here," Nathan said, looking down at his boots rather than Elizabeth.
"I am the one who should be apologizing. I should have either left or made my presence known sooner when I heard what you were saying," Elizabeth told him. "I left my scarf here," she added, reaching out and taking the lone scarf off a nearby peg.
Nathan looked up at the sincerity and softness in her voice. He could see the apology in her eyes along with something else.
"I thought you said though you loved me that you were not in love with me," Nathan said, repeating her words from a couple of months ago.
Elizabeth cringed. "Yes, I did say that," she said. "For a so-called author that was a rather lame thing to say. It does not even make any sense. For what it is worth, I think I was trying to convince myself that I was not in love with you as much as I was trying to convince you. You were right by the pond that day. I did feel the same way you did but I was afraid of losing you like I lost Jack and so I ran. I ran right to Lucas because that felt safe." Elizabeth paused. "And that is probably more information than you needed right now."
Nathan smiled. "It is not the confession that I expected to be hearing when I came here," he admitted. He glanced toward the plaque. "Then again, my own confession was not the one I was expecting to be making while here," he added softly. "I actually came here to have a shouting match with God," he admitted.
"I had a few of those myself right after I heard about Jack's death," Elizabeth admitted. "Perhaps I should go and let you have your shouting match," she added. "I did not mean to intrude."
"There was a time when I would have said your presence was not an intrusion," Nathan said.
"And now?"
Nathan sighed, wondering why he had opened this door. Now that he opened it though he knew trying to avoid the topic would accomplish nothing.
"Elizabeth, I still love you," Nathan admitted. He heard a sharp intake of breath from Elizabeth at the words. "That feeling did not change because you chose Lucas over me. I know that given time, I would be able to move on, but that still seems like a long time away. I have actually contemplated putting in for a transfer, hoping that some distance might help."
Elizabeth stepped forward at that admission. "Please don't," she told him reaching out for the hand that was not holding the lantern. "You and Ally are a part of this community. More people than just me would miss you if you left."
Nathan looked down at the patch of the floor between their shoes. "Ally's accident has made me very aware of that. I do not know how I would have gotten through these last couple of weeks without everyone's support. Yours included Elizabeth."
"I have not done much."
Nathan shook his head, looking up again. "You have been a huge boost to Ally's spirits as have her classmates. I do not think she would have remained as positive throughout everything without that support. Not even with my encouragement. That is the thing though. I think Ally has accepted your influence in her life as her teacher once again, and I do not want to do anything to disrupt that. If it was only me that I had to consider, you could break my heart a hundred times, and I would still willingly give you my heart again. I will not risk Ally's heart again though."
"So, friends is all we will ever be?" Elizabeth asked, looking up at him. Nathan saw a sadness in her eyes along with something that looked like regret.
"Unless you could promise me from the start that you are in the relationship with the intent of marriage, yes Elizabeth. I think it is best if we simply remain friends."
Elizabeth continued to hold his gaze. She opened her mouth as if to say something but like Nathan had experienced so many times himself, no words came.
Nathan leaned forward, and with the lightest of touches, brushed his lips against hers. Though Elizabeth did not pull away neither did she return the kiss. It told him what he needed to know.
"You are not there yet, Elizabeth," he whispered to her, as he lifted his head.
Elizabeth reached up with the gloved hand not holding Nathan's hand and pressed it against his cheek.
"I do love you," she told him.
Nathan could hear the sincerity in her voice. He believed her when she said she loved him. Those simple words were more believable than her little speech in jail a few months ago. However, he knew she was not at a place where she could make the commitment to him that he needed. Perhaps she never would be. Perhaps he was being unfair in his expectations but he just knew he could not get Ally's hopes up again.
"I believe that," Nathan told her. "I have always believed that. I asked you once what was in her heart. I think you are getting close to figuring that out, Elizabeth, but I don't think you are quite there yet. I will always care about you and Little Jack. Anything you need that I can help with all you need to do is ask. However, I need to put Ally's feelings before my own. This past year has shown me that."
Elizabeth nodded, meekly. Though she let her hand fall from his cheek, she still held his hand. He hoped she truly understood what he was saying. He hoped that his words did not reopen the healing wounds of her own heart.
"And if I decided that with you and Ally are my future?" Elizabeth asked him.
"My love for you is not going anywhere anytime soon, Elizabeth. Take whatever time you need to finish healing and sorting things through. If you do that and find you can see a future with all of us being a family, you let me know. If you can't, then know that I will always be your friend."
Standing before him, Elizabeth blinked several time before speaking. "I should be going. Bill is waiting outside for me. He did not want me walking back here alone," she said letting go of his hand and motioning to the door. "Again, I am sorry for the interruption."
Nathan smiled. "I think the interruption turned out to be needed," he told her, thankful to have had the opportunity to finally clear the air with Elizabeth. Perhaps now they could go forward instead of remaining in the awkward place their relationship was currently in.
Elizabeth had only taken one step toward the schoolhouse door when it opened. Faith stepped in, holding the door for Carson. Ally was in Carson's arms and Nathan immediately felt a lump form in his throat. He barely registered the fact that Bill had followed Carson into the schoolhouse. Nathan opened his mouth to ask what was going on but he found he could not form the words. The question proved to be unnecessary as Ally spoke up.
"I can move my foot!" Ally exclaimed, moving her foot in a slow circle. "My Christmas wish is coming true!"
The lump in his throat disappeared though Nathan suddenly felt light headed and weak kneed as a wave of relief washed over him.
Ally had movement in her legs again!
"Uncle Nathan!"
"Nathan, are you okay?"
Both Ally and Elizabeth's voices seemed far away, though Nathan could still hear the worry in them. He felt an arm loop around his waist, supporting him.
"Let's get you sitting down," Bill said, his voice much closer than the previous two.
Nathan wanted to protest. He wanted to go to Ally not sit down. But like his voice, he seemed unable to command his body to do anything. He wondered if he would even still be standing if not for the arm around his waist.
Nathan let himself be guided to the nearest bench and helped to a sitting position. The supporting arm disappeared to be replaced by a gentler touch on his back.
"Lean forward and take deep, slow breaths," Faith told him. "You are going to be fine, Nathan. Just breath."
Nathan followed the instructions, drawing in slow breaths of air and letting the out slowly. It wasn't long before the light-headed feeling passed. Ally was going to be okay.
Ally!
Raising his head, he looked around for his daughter. She was still in Carson's arms, a worried expression having replaced her joy. Nathan moved to get up but was restrained by both Faith and Bill who was still hovering nearby.
"Stay seated for a few more minutes, please Nathan," Faith said. "I do not want you fainting on us."
Nathan nodded as he finally was able to get his daughter's name out of his mouth.
Carson was coming toward him though. "She is going to be fine, Nathan," the doctor said, placing the girl in Nathan's lap. Father and daughter immediately embraced one another. "Ally is still going to need some help the next couple of weeks and wills need to be careful as falling will be a serious risk while she regains strength."
"But I am going to walk again!" Ally said, finishing for Carson.
Nathan felt tears stinging his eyes as the threatened to fall. Knowing that he was not going to be able to hold them back, Nathan held Ally close to him and hid his face against her.
"Please tell me you are crying because you are happy," Ally said, the request a whisper in his ear.
"I am very happy," Nathan murmured even as his heart said a silent prayer of gratitude.
There was silence around him. Nathan had no doubt the others were still there, but his friends were being quiet as they let him process this development. He was thankful for that as he continued to embrace Ally. It was only when he felt calmer that Nathan looked up. Though he had his tears under control, he knew it would still be evident that he had been crying but Nathan found he did not care.
As he looked around the room, he saw Faith and Carson standing with their arm around one another. Nearby were Bill and Elizabeth. All of them wore smiles.
"Thank you all for everything you have done," Nathan told him.
"It is what friends do," Bill told him.
"I think we should all celebrate the good news," Elizabeth said. "I have sugar cookies at the house and I can make up a batch of hot chocolate," she suggested.
"This sounds like celebration worthy news to me," Bill commented. "Did you two have plans?" he asked looking toward Carson and Faith.
"Nothing definite," Faith replied.
"I am always happy to celebrate a patient's recovery," Carson added.
All four turned their gaze to Ally and Nathan. Ally looked up at Nathan.
"Can we, Dad?" Ally asked, hopefully.
"Yes," Nathan told her. Right about then, he did not feel like he would be able to deny Ally much of anything. He looked from Ally to Elizabeth. "Thank you."
"You are welcome," Elizabeth replied.
"Let me carry Ally to Elizabeth's," Carson said stepping forward. "I know you will deny it, but as your doctor I know that you are probably still sore from yesterday."
Bill stepped forward. "I'll carry, Ally," he offered. "You have a fiancé to escort," he added, getting a laugh from those gathered.
Part of him wanted to protest, but Nathan had to admit that Carson was right. He was sore from the fall last night. Reluctantly, Nathan surrendered Ally to Bill and then got to his feet.
The group gathered the lanterns that had been placed by the wall. Nathan turned to Elizabeth. "May I escort you, Mrs. Thornton?" he asked, as Faith looped her arm happily through Carson's.
"You may, Constable Grant," Elizabeth consented with a soft smile echoing his light formality.
As they left the schoolhouse, Nathan and Elizabeth went first. Bill followed with Ally in his arms. Carson and Faith brought up the rear of the little group, happy both to be able to spend time together and about the progress their patient had made.