This is a heavy one, and thank you to anyone who helped me and reassured me that it was just the right amount of emotions.
May 2019
Court is cold, court is not somewhere I want to be.
I look down at my black Mary Jane shoes and which matched the black dress I was wearing.
"Miss Blythe, please answer the question." The judge asks bringing me out of my thoughts once more.
"Sorry," I say quietly.
"But you did have a crush on him?" The defence asks once more. Accuses me more like it still trying to play the whole old guy thing. Even if they weren't supposed to, but apparently as long as they don't mention a baby they could ask what they wanted.
"I was nine, he was my brother's best friend. I followed them around which was most likely very annoying to them." I tell them trying so hard to hold it together, but also not snap at them.
"But you did have a crush on him?"
"I was nine, I had a crush on One Direction. The most I did I chased them around the house, I cried when his family moved away. The thought of kissing a boy was still very much gross to me." I say calmly.
"But at eleven it might not seem that gross?" The defence continues. "A little boy crazy, and older tutor?"
"Even when I was eleven I was shy around boys, mostly because I was uncomfortable in my own growing body and how it made them react. I was eleven, I never wanted anything to do with him. " I say tears beginning to streak down my face. I just wanted to be done with this all.
"Your Honour, he's badgering her. There is nothing in my witness's past to present this idea and he's just badgering her." The Crown finally interjects.
"Just one more question then." The other lawyer says.
"Make it reasonable," I hear the judge answer.
"If he touched you as you say, why didn't you scream? Why didn't you cry out, tell him to stop?
I look to my family Mom, Dad, Shirley and Wynnie. Jem and Faith who had driven in, along with Walter, Nan and Di who I told it wasn't worth the bridge toll. Of course, there was also Ken and my friends who came to support me, taking days off school and work. The only one who was missing was Joy, who couldn't sit for that long without having to use the washroom, so she took to watching Owen for me.
"I don't know?" I say weakly. "I was afraid?"
"Does the Crown have anything for the witness?" The judge asks moving straight along.
"We do your honour." The lawyer gets up from their spot. At least I know they'll be nice to me.
"Miss Blythe, what was your reaction when he touched you for the first time?" The lawyer asks.
"I froze?" I say quietly. Pulling at my cardigan I wore over top of my dress. "I would sit there feeling his breath on my neck, his fingers would run up and down my side. I, I was already wearing ladies' bras. He would trace around the edges of my cups and I felt frozen." My voice cracks.
"It's okay, take your time." She tells me and I have a short moment to calm myself.
"Did you ever try to tell your parents?" She asks me.
"It was like I couldn't move or make a sound," I say trying to steady my voice.
"What happened afterwards? Did you try to tell someone?"
"I tried to tell mom the next time he was supposed to come and tutor me, I tried to put it into words that he was weird and I didn't like him. I don't know why I couldn't tell them the truth. The more I replayed it in my head the more I doubted myself. Then it would happen all over again, each time being more daring, I kept protesting, I kept begging to be let out of the tutoring. It never worked." I say, feeling emotional and physically exhausted. "After a while, it just looked like I was making a fuss. Crying wolf?" I say exhausted.
I'm finally let off the stand and I go back to my spot, Dad wraps his arm around me and mom looks likes she trying not to cry.
Jem, who is dressed in a dark blue suit, his foot fidgeting non-stop. It will be his turn soon enough. This afternoon was about me, this morning had been about another girl, tomorrow was another. Yesterday was mainly about the photographs. It was too long, too long as I look at my phone that was on silent wondering if Owen was all right with Joy again.
Watching Jem on the stand was easier than I thought it would be.
His part is easier, he just explains his side of finding Issac up on the second floor, unless the defence tries to discredit him.
"I found him upstairs, somewhere where most paid company don't usually go. There was a washroom downstairs after all." Jem says recalling the incident. "I remember questioning what he was doing and he seemed caught off guard. I thought maybe he had been trying to steal something? I warned him that the second floor is off-limits and that if he was ever caught up there again, I would make him regret it. I didn't think about checking out his phone at the time. Who would it was 2012?" Jem says
"So you only saw him upstairs, not actually doing anything. He could have just been looking for the washroom?" The defence asks him.
"He was hovering around my sister's door, he made the excuse of looking for the bathroom. Except the bathroom was wide open and you could see where it was," Jem said deadpanned.
"You say you were home during these tutoring sessions and yet you never watched them. Doesn't seem like you being a good babysitter to your younger sister ?"
"I was often helping my other two sisters and young brother with their homework. I checked in every few minutes, but the original floor of our house creaked badly before it was fixed. Which meant he could hear me coming anyway." Jem replies flawlessly.
I feel Dad squeeze my hand and I squeeze it back. I don't look to my left ever. I don't want to see him.
There's a brief recess and I catch my breath outside. Wrapping my arms around myself, I am surrounded by people and yet I never felt so alone. Ken is talking on his phone to someone, most likely his parents how are supposed to be flying in this week for Owen's birthday which falls on a Saturday this year. Still, I think back to this time last year, the closeness that we shared. Those long nights with him next to me. Holding me, hands resting out our daughter. How things have changed? What would I do to have that again, but I know it's foolish when I spent the whole morning defending our friendship.
I snap the elastic on my wrist absentmindedly. It doesn't help, but the sting brings me out of my thoughts.
Someone wraps their arms around me, but I move away from them. I make my way to the lady's room. Starring at myself in the mirror, pale, freckled, and the black dress I choose wasn't helping with that either. My eye and nose were red from crying. My hair filled with static it felt like as I tried to pat it into submission.
Can I avoid the rest? Did I say my piece for the judge and the jury?
Court closes and I'm still in a daze. All I want is to cuddle my baby and put everything behind me.
We stop at Joy's new house because they finally moved in, eight months pregnant and finally their new place was ready for them. I've seen the house already, and with the baby, the old apartment had been much too small with the boys spending more and more time with them.
I pick up Owen, wrapping my arms around her. She doesn't necessarily appreciate it, wanting to play more than cuddle at this age.
She pats my face, sensing that maybe I needed her more than she did me at this moment. Her large eyes looking at me. I try not to cry as Mom and Joy were talking quietly.
"Hopefully this can all be put behind us and she can feel a bit more sure in her surroundings next year," Mom says quietly to Joy.
"I'm sure, it will give her some peace of mind," Joy says just as quietly. "When does she go see Beth?"
"On Monday, though Beth said she told her to text or call if she really needs someone," Mom answers her. I finally get up off the floor, Owen in my arms.
"Thank you for watching her," I tell Joy.
"She's a doll and easy to care for," Joy tells me turning to look at me. "I can only hope I have one so well-mannered."
"Well, you don't have to deal with nap time, bedtime or anytime when she's cranky," I say with a shake of my head. "But I try to respect her and let her make her own choices when it's good for her to choose."
"You both are and will be wonderful mothers," Mom cuts in.
"Are you still going to come to the recital?" I ask Joy.
"I wouldn't miss it," Joy nods her head, her hand running over her stomach.
I go out for a drive with Owen wanting to get away for a small amount of time. The salty ocean air hits my hair, and nose as I take a deep breath.
I look out to towards the Lighthouse and I sit there for god knows how long.
"This is a very special spot for me," I tell Owen. "It gave me you, and without you, I sometimes wonder where I might be? Who I might be right now if I didn't have you?" I say kissing the top of her head. "I love you so, so much it would tear me in two if I ever lost you. I just hope I manage to give you a good life?"
I sit with Owen in my lap as she snuggles into me watching the waves crash onto the shoreline. My jacket wrapped around her, her little fist clutching at my shirt as she sleeps.
"I thought I might find you here," I hear Ken's voice before I see him. "Your parents said you went out with Owen for a drive."
"Shit, I'm sorry," I say looking at my phone. I had forgotten he was supposed to pick her up!
"It's fine, it's been quite I day and I understand if you don't want to leave her right now," Ken says sitting next to me on the old fallen tree. "We can just stay here for a while, I really don't mind."
"How is she almost a year old already?" I say to him.
"It's surreal isn't it?" He hums quietly.
"I really hope that her next year is calmer, better?" I admit. "Is it wrong for me to be happy she won't remember any of this shit that happened?"
"I think that makes you a mother," Ken says.
"I know, we have a deal but can we just break it for a moment?" I ask him quietly. "I just really need a hug?"
Ken looks at me for a second. "Friends can hug Rilla, there is nothing wrong with wanting or needing a hug." He finally answers and next thing, his arms are around me and Owen who is still sleeping in my lap.
The next day goes by fast, Owen and Leslie arrive and we spend the day as a large extended family. We spend the day out shopping and visiting the historic site that makes the island a tourist destination. It was a calm afternoon out until I have to drive back into the city and get ready for the evening.
Hair and make-up, costume, shoes.
I take a deep breath as I wait in the wings, I never thought I'd be here but here I was. Dressed in my wine-coloured ballet costume where the sheer panels of the skirt flowed from the empire waist stitched on to the leotard underneath it.
"Before I start, I would like to thank everyone for coming tonight," Tessa says from the stage. "I would also like to thank everyone who has donated to the cause this year. Our local communities had been torn apart with the trial and with tonight's donations. I am pleased to say that 100% of the fund will be given to help families who have dealt with lawyers and health expenses."
There is a large amount of clapping, and I take a deep breath.
"First on stage tonight is Rilla Blythe, who took some of her darkest moments and created something beautiful. Accompanying her is Bianca, Jasmine and Claire." Tessa says before walking off the stage.
She squeezes my hand and tells me to break a leg in a whisper
I take a deep breath and run gracefully to my spot on the small stage that Tessa rents for the show.
I take a calming breath and then make a subtle nod to the audio person and soon the piano begins.
I begin to bear my soul through the only way I know.
I dance.
I dance my story, the story of others because for once I am not ashamed of it.
This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro
The pain never leaves even when the truth is out in the open. It was a dark glow of a stage, as I twisted and contorted my body. Acting as I thump my palm on my chest, before reaching out as if I grasping for something invisible that I had lost.
It was already gone as I jump and twirl across the stage, searching for whatever I was searching for, miming out anger at the corners of the blacks. My pointe shoes tapping here and there.
You can tell a story through dance and this was my story and many other girls.
All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised
I turn and face the audience, pushing around imaginary people in a wounded state. I sink to the floor gracefully as I roll my body so my back arches and my chest rises, another twist, turn as I gracefully stand back up
Looking right and left, I see my three companions awaiting anxiously their cue. So young, innocent dressed in their costumes.
When I asked their parents if it was all right for them to be in my piece. I had explained what I mean to me and what they wanted me to tell them if questions about the song were asked about, what the lyrics meant to me. The story behind why this song is meaningful to me.
They weren't much younger than me when it all happened after all. In the end, a bunch of parents and kids came one Saturday afternoon to explain the trial and what was being decided. Beth who had come helped explain and told the younger girls who to word something in a way that would alert a parent instantly.
Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armour is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again
My movements were calculated, strong, impactful as I twirled, with my arm held out as traced down it with my opposite hand.
Then around me were three younger girls, dressed much like me but all in white. Flitting around and around, pretending to pass me pieces that I place on my body. Armour so I could never hurt again.
All four of us are in sync as we hit our cues, as I lift and spin the young girls, giving them their own pieces of armour so they could learn how to protect themselves in the process.
Out of the ashes, burnin' like a fire
You can save your apologies
You're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
But I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know
Court flashes in my mind, those moments on the stand. My heart beats fast as I answer their questions.
I focus on my family who was all there, I focus on Ken who came as well. Owen was there in his lap, most likely too young to understand, and it will be past her bedtime, but I am glad that she is here.
Olivia was there, as well as Miranda and the girls I met through this whole experience. Some of them already have made their visits to the stand.
My parents, Dad in his scrubs, but he made it. Even most of my siblings had come, something they hadn't done in ages. All six of them had made it which made me feel even more loved and supported. The court thing was one thing, but for them to show up for a dance thing meant millions more to me for some reason.
'Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I'm not broken and bruised
My mind goes back to the courtroom as I dance my steps as if I'm on autopilot at this point. I can see mom being questioned by the defence, questioning her patently abilities pretty much.
"It's been written down that you failed to believe your daughter when she made a fuss about tutoring. That you overlooked the whole thing to your regret? You're a principal yet you just brushed off her worries?"
"We were dealing with a lot and I'll never forgive myself for not actively listening to her," Mom says. "A lot of kids put up fights about extra schooling or extra help. Just because I am a teacher and now a principal doesn't mean my children like school, or always excel at it. To me, it was something I heard day in and out. 'I don't want to do this, I hate math, I don't like him, he's weird, I'm the worst mother, teacher in the world.' I didn't listen in between the line and it tears me apart every day that she's suffered because of it."
"You never questioned his abrupt departure from his sessions?"
"No, not really, he just said he didn't have time and found a new job that took up more time." Mom answered. "I was more annoyed that he stopped answering his phone more than anything."
"Yes, you did see the changes in your daughter afterwards? The obsessive personality traits, the disordered eating? Her what was it called coping mechanisms?"
"Rilla was always reaching for perfection even as a child, she liked things a certain way. She always had a tidy room without us asking." Mom says simply.
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armour is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me
'Cause now I'm a warrior
Still, no one told me that verdict will never feel like enough. No one warned me that It will never feel like enough.
The maximum of fourteen years for the entirety of what he did to all of us?
Why doesn't it feel like it's enough?
Why didn't anyone warn me?
It's over, it's finished for now anyway. Unless he tries to appeal the decision at some point.
Still, it doesn't quite feel real to me yet, hearing the decision and the sentencing. Watching around me as is everyone crying around me in relief at the end of its day? But I don't, I just stand there, numb to it all. Almost nine months of this, the back and forth with lawyers, doctors and everything that was my life. I've wanted it to end for so long, yet, it doesn't feel like it was enough?
There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
'Cause you are never gonna take the blame anyway
I stand there watching the girls twirl, trying to reach out for them to protect them, but they are blown away from me in the invisible wind.
I twirl until I fall
I untie my pointe shoes on the stage, letting them sit at the front of the stage as I dance without them. Dance was all symbolism after all, and taking off the pointe shoes was me going back to that little girl. The little girl I used to be before everything happened, and I bring my little companions to safety from the storm.
Following the little girls as we synced out dances for the first time.
Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
Now I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armour is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again
No, oh, yeah, yeah
You can never hurt me again
In end the dance in a huddle, lying around each other like all was right in the world for the first time in so long.
We only have about 3 chapters left after this one. A first birthday, Prom and an 18th Birthday. Who can believe that this one is almost finished! because I cannot!
My Usual statement applies, I am no lawyer or expert about court our Canadian Laws. Though I do love watching Law and Order SVU! But 14 years in the maximum years a person can get for everything he did. Honestly, I could see him getting less, but I factored in everything and gave him the most because of everything he did.
But we can finally move on back to a few happier chapters and which will be a lovely change for me!
The song is by Demi Lovato, it is called Warrior.
Tina