June 2018
"We have Kenneth Ford with us today, we must say your part in this tv special is something interesting."
"Well, I left the show young, so they could really make me into anything. I suppose it was my fault that through my social media they found out I can still play guitar and song fairly well?" Ken laughs out loud to the camera.
The screen flashes to life behind them and there's him playing, you could hear Owen laughing and giggling. Which meant one thing, I was the one recording the video for him and while I had sent it to him, it felt oddly private moment between us to be put up on television?
"Dada," Owen looks up from her play mat on the floor.
"You like when he plays for you don't you?" I say to her sitting down beside her.
Someone how the talk show host cons Ken into playing something, with a brand new acoustic that randomly appeared.
"I don't even know what to play," he says. "Um, I guess off the top of my head, this is a cover of Coldplay's Yellow?" He says.
I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh, what a thing to do
'Cause you were all yellow
I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh, what a thing to do
And it was all yellow
your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones
(Ooh) turn into something beautiful
(Aah) and you know
For you, I'd bleed myself dry
For you, I'd bleed myself dry
"Is that for anyone special?" The host says curiously.
"My Daughter of course," he says flashing a brilliant smile.
"Not her mother?" They prod not so subtly.
"I am single if that is what you are asking," he laughs awkwardly. "Though dating and being a father is something I am still figuring out so please don't try to sell me to the highest bidder!'
He's charming when he wants to be, it's all a show for the camera. I know he rather is reading a history book somewhere. I know him better than anyone these days. He's already back on the Island, as this was earlier this week.
"Ken's really taking this up in stride is he not?" Dad muses coming into the room, dressed in his casual day wear and not scrubs.
"I suppose so?" I say unsure of what else to say really as he follows me and Owen into the kitchen. I open the fridge and grab a few things and some salad mom had made me while she made her own for lunch earlier.
I feed her some cheese and cut up grapes as I eat my pre-made salad quickly as Dad watches me. He watches me a lot lately, I'm never quite sure if it's from disbelief that I'm almost eighteen, the trial, or my eating habits. Or may it was a combination of all three?
"I mostly hope she takes her first steps before he leaves," I say after a moment. "You're going to have to learn to walk at some point," I direct at Owen. "I can't carry you around forever."
"Most children walk between their first birthday and 15 months," Dad reminds me. "She still perfectly on track and she cruises around everything like a little explorer."
"I just don't want him to miss it, heck I don't want to miss it," I say as once July started I'll begin working at the coffee shop.
"I'm sure whenever she decides to try you will both be there," Dad says kissing the top of my head. "You didn't walk until everyone was around to clap for you." He muses. "Even so, if you do miss it, it's not the end of the world. There is always the second or third time, your mother never told me that Walter was walking, wanting it to be a surprise. She later admitted he had been walking for two days but I had been in heavy rotation at the hospital as they were short on staff that month. It didn't change the magic of it for me though."
I nod my head and take another bite of my salad to finish it off before I rinse out my dish and stick it in the dishwasher. I proceed to wipe off Owen's face and hands and put her down on the floor so I can rinse off the tray in the sink.
"We're really proud of you Rilla," Dad says breaking the silence. "For how you managed this year, the person that you have become despite everything?" He says and I want to tell him I barely know who I am still, but I just nod my head and smile. I pick up Owen my nose wrinkling as she giggles at me.
"I will be back," I tell dad who nods his head with a smile.
I change her diaper before I put her in her crib so I could quickly use the bathroom myself, coming back I find mom in my room with the laundry I had started.
"What do you plan on wearing for graduation?" Mom asks me.
"I don't know? A dress I suppose?" I say grabbing some of Owen's clothes from the basket to put them away? "I'll be wearing a cap and gown, so it doesn't matter too much?"
"They'll still be photos," Mom reminds me and looks in my closet. "What about this one?" She says grabbing something from the back of my closet. The red dress from that night. "I don't think I've ever seen you wear it before?"
"Yeah, I don't think so," say wanting to toss it back into the depth of my closet.
"Oh come one try it on," she says.
"Mom, that's the dress," I say and she only looks at me blankly not understanding what I was saying. "The party dress, the party that Ken and I?" I say making some awkward hand motions that really meant nothing.
"Oh!" Mom says. "Do you truly not wear it because of that?"
"Well, it's not like I fit into it for a while," I remind her. "I don't know I should just toss it or give
It away."
"Don't toss it, if I tossed every outfit that I had been wearing when one of you children was conceived, well I would have lost some of my favourite pieces." Mom smirks at me and I make a face.
"Gross," my nose scrunches upwards.
"Olivia's mom is still doing your hair for all of you?" Mom asks with a sigh.
"She is, saving us all a bunch of money" I nod my head. "I think it will be fine, she does Olivia's hair for everything."
"That night, I know you say it's a blur, but what really happened, what lead up to that moment?" Mom asks as if she feels like coming upon my 18th birthday Ken and I will become something more. Which wasn't even on the drawing board!
"Umm? Well, I was dancing and I look over my one shoulder and saw him. It was like a scene from the movie, but probably a lot less romantic and more clumsy. We danced for a while, my shoes in hand, my drink was long forgotten, the joint they had been passing around clouded things, even more, he kissed me I think? I remember him holding out his hand to me, and I looked at it before I took it. There are some vague memories of laughing and stumbling down over the beach. He wasn't the only one who brought tents to sleep in. So it didn't bother me," I tell her. "One thing leads to another, that dress got tossed in a corner."
"What about with Fred?" Mom asks next still frowning.
"His room in the basement after hockey practice," I still crinkle my nose at the memory of sweat.
"Oh Rilla, please tell me he at least showered," mom says appalled.
"As much as a sixteen-year-old showered with soap and water when there's a girl in his bed," I tell her.
"Has there been any time? Any time that wasn't so?" She stops to try and find the right word. "Was there ever a time you felt like you were wanted or special?" She asks carefully.
I look down at the floor, Unsure of my answer. "I don't know? Mostly because I don't think you mean having returned the favour in terms of sex is what you're asking."
Mom says nothing else, just pulls me into a long hug that I eventually fidget out of. Though I do make a small mental note that maybe I should ask Beth about this topic? I did have an appointment this evening with her which hopefully might help me clear my head about some things.
The surprise call comes in, early in the morning as we're all eating breakfast in our pyjamas. Mom was drinking coffee.
"Joy had the baby!' Mom shrieks almost dropping her phone. "Apparently she went in last night, and didn't think it would go so quickly!" She says.
"Is there anything else?" Dad jumps up to look at her phone.
"It's a girl, breathing well on her own," Mom says out loud. "Thirty-seven weeks, so while a little early, still full term. 7 lbs, 2 oz, 20 inches long."
"Can we go see her?" I ask.
"You can, but Owen won't be allowed on the maternity wing unless she is a sibling," Dad tells me.
"We can watch her for a little bit," Wynnie speaks up from her spot at the table. "Right Lee? We're not doing anything, and then when they come back we can go visit, so we don't ever crowd Joy?"
It's eerie walking down the hallways of the maternity ward, Joy's in a room down the hall from the one I had which makes things a touch easier.
It takes a while before I get a chance to hold the baby. I almost forget how small newborns were, but there is an oddly comforting weight to them that reminds me of Owen that small. I look to Joy smiling, Matt had gone to pick up the boys so they could meet their little sister, and Shirley and Wynnie were going to visit later in the day.
"Seriously, how did you do it?" Joy asks me from the hospital bed. "I was begging for drugs, and you were like no thank you, to anything that gas and air, which does nothing!"
"I don't know?" I say frowning as I hold my niece for the first time, she was tiny a few weeks early for perfectly healthy and still considered full term. "What's her name?" I ask rocking her softly.
"Delilah Marianne," Joy says proudly. "For Mom and Aunt Marilla, and Delilah because we just liked it."
"It suits her," I murmur, before passing her back over to Joy. "I'm really happy for you Joy, I am," I say sincerely. "You deserve all of it," I add quietly.
"Don't you have Prom tonight?" Joy asks looking at the time on the wall and I nod my head.
"Are you excited?" She asks. "I loved prom."
"I guess so?" I say unsure of how I felt with everything quickly changing and turning around. Was I ready for college? How could I have been so sure about having a baby but the prospect of graduating and college be terrifying? "Olivia's mom is going to do our hair for us, she once worked in a salon when Olivia was little."
"You'll have to send me photos," Joy tells me, her face twisting up in pain. "They really don't warn you about the contractions after birth."
"They don't," I say shaking her head. "It's worse when you breastfeed," I tell her honestly.
"So I'm not imagining that?" Joy says sighing.
"You are not," I say shaking my head. "Do you want anything? I can get some snacks?" I ask her and Joy shakes her head.
The rest of the day is a flurry of getting ready. Stacy, Olivia's mom, pinned up my hair in some curly up-do that had a braid running around the crown of my head. I go back home to do my make-up and have a few more minutes more with Owen today.
"Mama," I hear behind me and I turn around and flash a smile at Owen who was standing in her crib.
I was dressed for Prom, my hair pinned up in sparkly pins. The green dress I bought skimmed over my body in a way that made me double-take in the mirror as I preened.
"Is mama pretty?" I ask her with a smile as I reach for her.
"You look very beautiful," Dad says from the doorway, dressed in his scrubs for the hospital.
"Even if it's indecently low in the back," I tease him as I pass him, Owen, to carry down the stairs as I grab my silver heels and bag.
"Well, as long as you come home at a decent time and not thinking you're pregnant in a month I think I can accept the low back." Dad jokes though it's also a warning.
"The dance is over at 10:30, then we might go for ice cream or something," I tell him rolling my eyes at his worries. "Ken should be around to pick up Owen in the next few minutes, are you excited for Dada?" I ask Owen.
"Dada," she says bouncing as Dad holds hers.
We make our way downstairs, where mom is waiting with a camera. I do the obligatory staircase poses and a few with Owen who was in Winnie the Pooh overalls.
"Be home by midnight," she tells me and I nod my head.
I kiss Owen goodbye and before heading out to prom which was being held at one of the local golf course clubhouses. I pick up Olivia on the way, she was wearing some light golden yellow tulle gown that that little floral appliqué. It had an open criss-cross back with tiny straps that she had found on sale.
We meet Miranda who was already there.
"My God, look at you!" She shouts as she sees me. "That shouldn't be legal at all." She says as she dressed in a bright pink two-piece, crop top and large satin skirt type of dress. I almost feel out of place in my vintage dress, but as I observe the room. I see more and more different styles of dress, goth, retro-inspired, some girls were even wearing jumpsuits.
"Do you know where we are sitting?" I ask her looking around the ballroom. We don't have an overly large graduating class that is for sure, but there is enough of us that is for sure.
"Who watching the kid?" I hear someone say in my direction.
"Her father, not that it's any of your business," I snap back.
"You think she's going to actually eat dinner?" I hear someone else whisper.
"Just ignored them," Olivia tells me pulling me away into the line for photos and throwing some props at me. I smile at her, trying to not let others ruin this night for me.
We pose for photo's traditional, and funny ones for our own memories because they won't be in the yearbook. Inside and outside around the little garden archway and gazebo.
Dinner is spent trading photos and Snapchat, I eat as much as I can as I feel like everyone is silently judging every bite I take. Salad, chicken, a few bites of the cake they had for dessert. Everything was forgotten come after dinner and the lights went down, and the music began.
I felt like I was in a scene from the Princess Diaries, dancing in our finery with our shoes already abandoned under tables. For once our phones were tossed aside for the first in the evening and we just had fun.
"Come on," Olivia says pulling on my arm. "Let's get some air!" She doesn't wait for a response as I find myself pulled out on the patio, down to the Gazebo.
I suddenly feel like she is up to something as Miranda giggles as she follows us.
It's almost like a scene in the movie when I see it. I see Ken dressed up but in his arms is Owen so was wearing some pouffy, tulle skirts dress in a bow in her hair.
"What in the world?" I ask them, willing myself not to cry and ruin my makeup.
"Someone wanted to surprise you," Ken says flashing a bright smile as she reaches for me. "Plus Olivia told me you were worried that no one would dance with you, and Owen was quite appalled that no one would ask you." He says laughing lightly. I hope this is all right anyway? "We won't stay long, but we just wanted to surprise you."
I nod my head as I take Owen from him and spin around until Ken joins us. If I remember anything about prom, it most likely is this moment in the setting sun, but as I look down at his outstretched hand, I am reminded of much more.
This time, I lead him off to a corner of the small area where we found a bench to sit upon. "Can we talk?" I ask him quietly, feeling like it was now or never in my mind.
"Of course," he says nodding his head and I smile awkwardly at him and I look down at my hands.
"I've been going through stuff with mom and with Beth," I tell him. "I just need to get some things off my chest?" I tell him. "If it's all right?"
"Of course," Ken says nodding his head, sitting up straighter and fixing his suit jacket.
"It might not be what you're wanting to hear?" I warn him.
"Well, they say honestly is the best policy?" He says trying not to show he is afraid, but I can see it in his eyes.
"It's about that night in August, and I'll start by saying I'm not changing what I said before about that night were both drunk. I never felt wronged or forced, but it comes down to this. I always thought guys only wanted me for something physical because it's all I knew. But now I just keep thinking about it, taking your hand, our kisses and it just feels like lead in my stomach, because I don't know. I don't know if I just wanted it because of something sparked between us that night, or if it was something that was expected of me? Which isn't your fault, and it's not like you went out of your way to find the naive underage girl with issues to unintentionally take advantage of." I tell him sighing, looking up at the sky.
"I did take advantage of you," Ken says quietly agreeing like he's felt this way since that morning.
"I thought that was just how it was, it was normal. Boys just wanted to make out, touch, grope, have sex. If I didn't then I was a tease and that was worse somehow in my mind But watching Miranda, Olivia, everyone around me, have something so special. I can't even comprehend what it likes for them. And it's not your fault, it's not even mine." I say sighing. "God I'm not sure if this makes any sense at all, this is a disaster?"
"It's not a disaster," he tries to tell me, but I know he's just trying to make me feel better and I look at him sorrowfully. "Honestly I have a vague memory of holding out my hand to you and the look in your eyes. You looked at it and then up at me, and if I hadn't been so drunk I probably would have backed off immediately, but you took it and that haunts me. I always felt like taking advantage of you, the moment I woke up next to you. I've felt this way since the beginning, though I tried to ignore it because you said it was fine and when you were pregnant. In the beginning, I was just trying to do the right thing, whatever the right thing was? Everyone had opinions of what we should be. Then when everything came out, I knew I had to take a step back because I know you didn't need me to make things more complicated for you. Even if I knew it would hurt you even more and I did it atrociously.
"It did hurt, it hurt a lot," I say agreeing and we sit in silence for a few more minutes. "I didn't bring up right before you leave on purpose, but I just realized that can't lie about this to myself and I don't want to lie about it to you either. I just need you to understand that I don't blame you, I know it wasn't your fault. I mean I don't know what any sort of healthy friendship, or any relationship looks like with the opposite sex.
"You tried to tell me though, you always reminded me that you never dated or had friends who were guys." He reminds me. "I never thought much of it though back then."
I sigh and look back up toward the sky. "Maybe it will be good for this time apart?
"I guess we'll find out?" Ken says kissing Owen's forehead. "Thank you for telling me the truth about how you feel. It was brave of you."
"Your sister said something to you at the party that made it easier to tell you. 'Sometimes it's easier to parent with a friend than a lover. Sometimes it is easier, to be honest with a friend than a lover, but either way, trust and honesty is the most important thing to parenting a child together." I tell him the words that Thea said that suck in my mind.
Ken nods his head. "She would know better than anyone."
I find myself at Graduation is a few days later, with the exams finished and report cards sent out, I don my cap and gown with my spring green sundress underneath. My hair was still curly because I was too lazy to straighten it for the day plus it was unbearably warm and would not last.
"Marilla Nadine Blythe," Mom calls my name with a large smile.
I smile as I walk across the stage, my heels clicking on the stage. Dad is there with his camera, my siblings all hooting and Hollering, minus Joy who is most likely being FaceTime into the event.
Ken is there with Owen, holding her two hands as she wiggles. I walk off the stage, towards them ready for the hugs and congratulations. I wasn't ready for Owen to break away from Ken and take a rather sure but rather unsteady step towards me.
All the grief and trouble, everything was how it should be in this moment.
"Mama," Owen says patting my face after I dropped down to her height.
I don't want to say I did it for her, because I had to do it for myself as well. I look to my family, all of them. Ken was included because he was family at the end of the day. Mom coughs into the microphone and we all apologize. I rush back to my seat, with Owen in my arms because she wouldn't go back to Ken. I kiss the top of her head and fix her dress as she sits on my lap.
I did the unthinkable, I graduated. I walked across that stage because if you asked me two and half years ago I would have rolled my eyes, but I did it!