Disclaimer: I do NOT own Hakuouki or anything related to it.
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
— Martin Luther King Jr.
Chizuru was unusually quiet today.
She had given him her usual greeting and 'thank you' before they left for their rounds. She also asked around for leads on Kodo, to no avail. The optimistic smile he secretly adored was present on her face.
On the surface, everything seemed normal. Perhaps if it weren't for the fact that he had gotten to know her pretty well, in addition to her strange behavior last night, he would have believed that nothing was wrong.
Something was clearly bothering her. Not to upset her, but to occupy her thoughts more than other topics. Though he knew she wasn't a good liar, the chance of getting the truth from her was unlikely, so he suppressed the urge to inquire.
Still, it frustrated him that he couldn't offer her the same consolation she often provided him. She may not think herself to be very useful, but with the code and his comrades not being the best people to discuss the things causing him stress with, her willingness to give a listening ear was crucial. He reminded himself that she had not pressured him into talking; ergo, he should be equally courteous.
When she was ready and if she wanted to, she would accept his support. And if and when that happened, he looked forward to helping her truly smile again. Her smile was contagious, brightening his mood no matter how depressed he was, and he desperately wanted to restore it.
"Heisuke-kun?" He turned to look at Chizuru, whose eyes held the same concern for him that he felt for her."Are you alright?"
He scoffed internally. He must have looked the way she did the previous evening. What was on her mind? It could be related to her father and the Furies, but something told him that wasn't the case.
"Sorry, guess I had a little too much to drink last night," he said with a reassuring smile.
Chizuru inclined her head, pursing her lips. If she pushed the issue, it would be the perfect opportunity for him to question her. As was to be expected from Chizuru, however, she did not pry, meaning he wouldn't either.
Shortly after that, they returned to headquarters and went to her room to have tea together, since neither of them had anything else to do for the rest of the day.
"Heisuke-kun, do you mind if I ask you something?" Chizuru asked as she poured him a cup. He nodded.
"What do you think of Sanan-san?"
Heisuke almost choked on his drink, but quickly cleared his throat and swallowed. He gave her what he hoped was a mildly surprised look.
"Why are you asking about him?" Fortunately, his tone was even.
She bit her lip."I've been thinking a lot of him-I mean, about-"
"This Fury business?" He offered, and she nodded."You already know I'm not crazy about the Water of Life, though I know it can help save someone at the last minute. But it's so dangerous. I don't think the risks are worth whatever reward it can bring." He shifted in his seat."Sanan-san...he's different from the others. He wasn't about to die from a wound or be forced to commit seppuku. He just drank it because he wanted to."
"I don't think it's that simple." There was the slightest edge in Chizuru's voice, as well as a tremble in her hand as she held the teapot. She put the teapot down a bit too forcefully, making Heisuke wince.
Heisuke studied her. Why had his comment about Sanan vexed her? In terms of interaction and closeness, Sanan possessed the least amount with her, so why-
It clicked. Sanan had given Chizuru her journal. Chizuru was the one who succeeded in getting Sanan to start eating with the others again after his injury. Chizuru had been present when Sanan drank that serum. Those moments, though few, were meaningful.
Chizuru had her hands folded in her lap and her gaze glued to the floor. When she noticed his cup was empty, she poured him another one, the swiftness in her movement making it clear that she wanted a distraction from her thoughts.
"Maybe it isn't," he said quietly. As he picked up his cup and drank, he ruminated on the topic of Sanan, but did not share his thoughts with Chizuru, and she didn't ask.
How sad it was that someone with less interaction with Sanan than anyone else here seemed more open-minded about his situation than one of his friends? Heisuke tried to dismiss that as the result of Chizuru not knowing Sanan well enough, but she wasn't stupid. Naive and a bit too stubborn for her own good, but he was no better in those categories; he was far worse. And, as he'd realized earlier, the time she did spend was Sanan was not the forgettable kind.
Perhaps he should pay Sanan a visit.
"Sanan-san!"
Heisuke didn't care who heard him, didn't care if he lost his voice, didn't care whether Hijikata would severely punish or rebuke him for behaving this way. He needed to see Sanan now. They could tie him down, order him to gut himself, he didn't care.
He shouted the older man's name again as he grabbed the shoji and harshly slid it open. Sanan, who was sitting in seiza position at his desk with his back facing the door, looked at him over his shoulder. Heisuke made no attempt to decipher Sanan's expression, instead opening his mouth right as Kondou and Hijikata arrived. He started to turn to them, when Sanan lifted a hand to prevent them from intervening. Kondou seemed more hesitant, but Hijikata placed a hand on his shoulder and he complied.
Once they were alone, Sanan fully turned around and locked eyes with Heisuke. The younger of the two had returned from Edo to be greeted by a smug Itou, who told him that Sanan had taken his own life out of despair during his absence. Were it not for that damn serum, Heisuke would have believed that.
He had run to the common room and whispered Sanan's name while his eyes posed the question to Kondou and Hijikata. Their silence was all the answer he required. He ran to the section of the compound where the Furies were kept, pushing and bumping into whoever or whatever was in the way while his two superiors followed him. Even in his distressed state, finding the room his friend occupied did not take long. Maybe it was because of the state he was in that he found whom he was searching for this quickly and easily.
Sighing, Sanan adjusted his glasses."I suppose we should be grateful you did not alert anyone to our secret."
Heisuke clenched his fists."Don't play games with me, Sanan-san! Not now! I'm serious here!"
"As am I," Sanan replied, narrowing his eyes."Luckily, I imagine those who heard you will assume you were shouting from grief and forget about it."
Heisuke half-growled, half-sighed from frustration as he fell to his knees. He held his head in his hands, not noticing how Sanan's expression softened before he stood and moved to sit directly in front of him. He waited patiently for Heisuke to speak.
Heisuke shook his head."Why? Why did you drink that...poison?"
Sanan shut his eyes and heaved another sigh. He lifted his left hand, flexing it."You know why," he whispered.
"You could have died!" Heisuke choked."That didn't occur to you?!"
Sanan smiled mirthlessly."Of course it did. It was either the healing of my arm or death. I am glad the former came true, though I would have had no complaints about the latter. Both were perfect options."
Heisuke wanted to be shocked by that, but he couldn't. He had expected that response as much as he wished not to hear it. He put his head back into his hands.
"If it weren't for Itou, you wouldn't have done this, right?" His voice was scarcely above a whisper."I brought him here. If I hadn't done that, he wouldn't have opened his big fat mouth and taunted you. I could tell by the way he talked about your 'death' that he was amused by it. Am I right?" He didn't wait for an answer, instead cursing in frustration and slamming his fist into the floor."It's my fault! I-"
"Toudou-kun." Sanan's voice was stern and sharp. He gripped Heisuke's shoulders, forcing him to maintain eye contact."I had been thinking about drinking the medicine long before Itou joined us. His remarks quickened my decision, but I would have eventually made it without his influence. And even so, it is not as though you can control other people, so it is not your fault if he does or says something wrong. Blaming yourself is not only incorrect, but incredibly foolish and unbecoming of you. You know that, so stop this idiotic line of thinking immediately." He sighed."It was my decision to drink the Water of Life, no one else's. None of you could have stopped me from doing so. Understood?"
Heisuke nodded, and they settled into silence.
Heisuke sighed as he shook his head to dismiss the memory. He had never liked the Fury section of the compound, for obvious reasons. The addition of Sanan to the Fury Corps. strengthened his dislike for the place. However, he had promised himself that he would do this.
The other Furies were chained up and he knew how to dispatch them if they became an issue. And Sanan was no fool; he understood the dangers as much as the rest of the men did, if not more so because of his current situation.
No fool? Heisuke shut his eyes. Would a smart man consume something he knew could turn him into a soulless beast? He claimed that he wouldn't care if the result was his death, so why couldn't he take the simple route and-
He stopped in his tracks, shocked by his own harshness. As upset as he was by Sanan's transformation, he did not want him to be dead. Or would he have truly preferred that?
What was wrong with him? Here he was shooting negativity at Sanan when his own thought process was far from pure. He couldn't blame this on the code, as it hadn't even crossed his mind when he thought these things. He really should figure out his own issues before judging another person, especially a close friend.
What was he doing here? How could he talk to Sanan when his self-conversations were impossible to sort out? Maybe he should leave-
The shoji in front of him slid open, and he came face to face with a mildly surprised Sanan. The older man raised an eyebrow.
"Toudou-kun," he said."This is a surprise." He walked past Heisuke and stood on the engawa, closing his eyes as he breathed in the fresh air. After a few seconds, he looked at Heisuke from over his shoulder."What brings you here?"
"I was just leaving, actually," Heisuke said. It was a cowardly move, but he was not in the right state to have this conversation, assuming there was a right state.
Sanan inclined his head and lifted his gaze to the stars in the sky. His expression was thoughtful and peaceful. It appeared that Heisuke's words hadn't affected him at all.
"Why are you still here?" His tone was calm. He did not remove his focus from the sky."You said you were leaving."
Heisuke furrowed his brow."You're not curious about why I came here in the first place?"
Sanan chuckled, the sound a mixture of humorlessness and...sadness? He completely turned around and brought his hands into his sleeves. The way he looked at Heisuke would have been more appropriate when interacting with a child.
"You decided to pay me a visit, then changed your mind at the last minute. What else is there to know? To be curious about?" He tilted his head."Or am I wrong?"
Heisuke had no response for that. That was exactly what had happened.
"I thought so," Sanan whispered as he padded back to the door."Now, if you excuse me, I have work to do."
"You shouldn't have taken the serum." As soon as the words came out, Heisuke wanted to slap his hands over his mouth. He hadn't wanted to say that, to speak at all. Yet he had spoken, and there was no taking it back.
Sanan stood completely still, his back facing Heisuke. A moment later, he flatly responded,"We have already had this conversation." He snorted."Or a similar one, at least."
Heisuke clenched his fists. Again, he spoke against his will: "I would never make the same decision as you, no matter what position I'm in. I'd rather die than-"
Sanan laughed. Not a mocking or amused laugh, but an empty, cold laugh. This lasted for ten seconds before he abruptly stopped and said,"Toudou-kun," in an utterly serious tone of voice."I pray that you will never have to make that choice."
Heisuke's eyes widened."Sanan-san..." He reached out and was about to grasp Sanan's shoulder when-
A breathy grunt pierced the air as Sanan brought a hand to his chest, and his body began to quiver. His hair turned white and he fell hard onto his knees. It was obvious to Heisuke, to anyone familiar with Furies, what was happening.
"Go," Sanan growled, then let out a grunt as a spasm took him. When Heisuke did not do as told, he turned to glare at him with crimson eyes and shakily reached for the shoji.
"Go!" He shouted as he violently slid the door closed.
This time, Heisuke obeyed...and he swore to never return.