Disclaimer: I do NOT own Hakuouki or anything related to it.

"Some madness doesn't act mad to begin with, sometimes it will knock politely at the door, and when you let it in, it'll simply sit in the corner without a fuss - and grow."
― Nathan Filer

He should be used to this by now.

It was impossible to count how many times he'd experienced the bloodlust. As agonizing as it was, he'd thought, hoped, that he would grow accustomed to it. After all, he didn't feel the urge to drink blood every second of his existence like those who'd drank the serum before he modified it. But he soon realized how foolish that thought/hope was. No one could learn to deal with this pain. Not for the first time he wondered if he made a mistake-

"No," he ground out through clenched teeth, grabbing his left arm. To hell with the side effects. To hell with the consequences. To hell with regret. He would rather die than live without the ability to wield his sword. His usefulness, his pride, his strength...it hadn't merely been returned to him, but came back stronger than ever. And if it meant he had to suffer this pain, alone, to spend his time with the Furies whose minds were not stable like his, then so be it. He was not weak, he would not waver, he would not break, he would not fall.

Still on all fours, he curled into himself. Each breath was a struggle, the tightness in his lungs increasing every time. His teeth felt like they were close to breaking from how tightly he was grinding them. He slammed his fist against the floor, the skin of his knuckles breaking and drawing blood. He growled as the wound healed and he fought the urge to punch the floor again.

He pressed his forehead to the floor, near the spot where his blood was. The growls and grunts of the other Furies and the rattling of their chains made him shudder between spasms. He wasn't like them, he hadn't lost his mind, the smell or sight of blood didn't turn him into a mindless animal, this thirst and agony would not steal his sanity.

The medicine was not an option. He had eagerly stuffed it into his mouth and swallowed it the first few times, discovering that it was practically useless. And even if it were more effective, he didn't need it.

He was Sanan Keisuke, Colonel of the Shinsengumi, and he could, would endure this.

He didn't know long it lasted, though it likely felt much longer than it actually was, but when it ended, he exhaled in relief and collapsed. His fellow Furies stopped making noise, except for the rattling of chains, which ceased after a moment. He closed his eyes and relaxed as he waited for his breathing and heart rate to return to normal.

The silence was conflicting. As disturbed as he was by the sounds the Furies made, he was used to it at this point. Not hearing it was strange. Part of him was glad for a reprieve while the other half was unnerved by it. He didn't enjoy listening to them, but their silence made him think. Did they know what was happening to him? This wasn't the first, nor would it be the last bloodlust attack he suffered, and they hadn't reacted before. Why was this different? Was it different at all? He could just be overthinking it.

If they were aware of his suffering, were they taunting him? If so, why did they stop once the attack was over? Was there more to their brains than they were given credit for? It was certainly worth examining in the future.

Sanan rolled onto his back and gazed at the ceiling in contemplation. He lifted his hand, holding it above his face and flexing it. With a sigh, he sat up.

You shouldn't have taken the serum.

"I shouldn't have gotten injured in the first place," Sanan muttered.

I would never make the same decision as you, no matter what position I'm in. I'd rather die than-

Sanan snorted. He meant what he said about hoping Heisuke never had to make that choice. Though he did not regret drinking the Water of Life, he wouldn't wish this pain on his worst enemy, let alone one of his friends.

Drawing his brows together, he slowly picked himself up from the floor. Perhaps he should investigate that thought from earlier.

What was the harm? Research was his primary duty, after all. If they became too difficult, he could handle it.

He slid the shoji open, startling the two Furies that occupied the room. One of them was groaning and tugging on the chains while the other blankly gazed at Sanan. He met the second one's stare as he approached, keeping one hand on his sword in case he needed to draw it. With his free hand he undid the chains, and took a few steps back as the Fury let itself land on its knees. The Fury that was still chained kept making noise, but the breathing of its companion was louder. Sanan's full attention was on the unchained creature, waiting and wanting for it to do or perhaps even say something. After five uneventful minutes, he sighed and moved to put it back into restraints, and when he took a step forward, the creature reacted.

He drew his sword and slashed the Fury across the chest as it came at him, deliberately missing its heart by inches. He then kicked it in the chest, sending it into the wall. He sheathed his sword and in the blink of an eye, was in front of the stunned Fury and putting it back into chains. The creature tried to bite him as he backed away, the chains making it miss just barely.

Sighing, Sanan adjusted his glasses and turned to leave. Well, that was pointless. Still, it was worth experimenting with. For all he knew, this could still lead to something of worth.

With that thought in mind, he nodded and decided to record the encounter in his notes.