Disclaimer: I do NOT own Hakuouki or anything related to it.
"You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad."
— Aldous Huxle
Katamitsu slowly blinked several times, brows drawing together as he wondered what happened and where he was. He stared up at the ceiling as memories filled him. He was a Fury, having taken a serum called the Water of Life after almost dying to save Chief Kondou. So much time, or what felt like a long time, in chains, alone, confused, and in pain, until he finally spoke and Sanan released him. Going outside, breathing fresh air and seeing the beautiful starry night sky, Sanan whispering words of hope...and then nothing.
Now he lay in a futon. He still felt tired, but didn't want to sleep more. He worried he might not wake up if he remained asleep.
A palm touched his forehead, reminiscent of Sanan doing so as Katamitsu made his choice whether to drink or not. Katamitsu had been in so much pain from his wounds and consumed by thoughts of impending doom that he could not remember if the touch felt as warm then as it did now. It kept him calm, suppressed the urge to panic.
You are alive and you are not alone.
"You're awake." Sanan's voice was a mix of a gasp and a whisper. Katamitsu turned his head to see Sanan sitting beside him. He smiled widely, and the hand on Katamitsu's forehead twitched. Katamitsu tried to speak, but his throat was too dry, so a raspy noise came out instead. A coughing fit overtook him as he threw off the blanket and Sanan hurriedly brought him water. Struggling not to snatch the cup, Katamitsu shakily reached for it. Sanan helped him into sitting position. Katamitsu managed to take slow, careful sips. Three additional cups and his throat improved. He took deep breaths as Sanan rubbed circles into his back.
Once his breathing eased, he asked,"H-How long?"
"All night," Sanan replied."You passed out minutes after we went outside. As I said, your body is adjusting to the sudden changes and this may be more intense than the period immediately after drinking the serum. I doubt you rested while you were chained."
Hugging his knees to his chest and resting his chin on them, Katamitsu let his eyes flicker. This was the room he occupied after Sanan began keeping a closer eye on him. As promised, Sanan had modified it. There was, obviously, a futon on which he had just awoken, the chains were gone, there was a desk a few feet away from the futon, a bookshelf at the very back of the room, and a sword rack.
"We can discuss anything else you'd like to add," Sanan said, gesturing to the general area of the room with a slow wave of his arm.
Katamitsu cleared his throat."Did I...do anything while sleeping?" Talking wasn't anywhere near as hard as last night and his voice was only half-raspy.
Sanan shook his head."No, you were completely unconscious." He chewed his lip."I worried that you might not awaken or would stay asleep for days, but it seems your body is adjusting to a change in constitution. The bloodlust is occasional rather than constant and you may even learn to control your Fury form."
"I can...look human again?" He would be able to look in a mirror and not fear the sight of a white-haired, red-eyed monster?
Sanan pursed his lips."Look human, yes," he said, void of emotion."The bloodlust and discomfort under sunlight reminds us otherwise. And for the moment, in your case, a glance in the mirror will suffice."
Katamitsu winced. The thirst, pain, desperation, and terror of being abandoned to lonely madness would come again when he least expected it. Would he lose his sanity to the bloodlust? Stuff as much medicine down his throat as possible? Break and drink blood?
Sanan stiffened."I am still sane despite the fears of others." His glasses flashed and his eyes narrowed, as if he were relieving a memory."I...lost control after drinking the Water of Life. I almost killed Yukimura-kun, but she...said my name and I...snapped out of it."
Wait, she? Yukimura was female? That was the "she" Sanan referred to? People suspected Yukimura was hiding something, but gender?
The page was a mysterious one. Appearing out of nowhere, having a personal room, never bathing with the men, primarily talking to the founding leaders...and having a few days off more than the rest of the Shinsengumi members every month.
A secret kept by their superiors, including the rule-obsessed Chief Kondou and Commander Hijikata? As if this strange liquid called the Water of Life was not sufficiently shocking. What else were his superiors lying about?
Katamitsu's brows furrowed. Yukimura was the one that found a dying Sanan, according to the official story. Did she know about the Water of Life and the Furies? Were her tears as she and Yamazaki struggled to keep Katamitsu alive out of fear that he would become a monster?
If most of his friends that had to commit seppeku drank the serum, that explained why no one except the leaders were present for the ritualistic suicide. Then there were many like Katamitsu suffering from fatal wounds. None of the bodies were shown to the men. Because there were no corpses.
Sanan promised to explain once Katamitsu was better. Much as he longed for answers, Katamitsu wanted to believe that his superiors had a good reason for this. He prided himself on being a loyal soldier, it was all he had after the disownment from his family and losses of his comrades to the code. Surely, there was an explanation...
An explanation for deceiving most of their soldiers? An explanation for giving someone the choice between death and madness? An explanation for creating this poison that turned men into monsters suffering from seemingly eternal agony? An explanation for abusing the trust of their loyal brothers-in-arms? An explanation for breaking the rules of no women being allowed at headquarters? An explanation for being the ultimate hypocrites?
"How do you feel?" Sanan asked.
Everything he knew was a lie. How was he supposed to feel?
"Nothing hurts," he mumbled. Nothing on the outside at least."I think I'm...hungry." No sooner had he said this, than his stomach growled. No thirst, no sore throat, genuine hunger.
Sanan smiled."That's good. I haven't lost my taste for food, you've regained yours. It seems you truly are evolving."
Sanan stood, offering a hand to help him up. Katamitsu ignored the offer in favor of standing on his own, paying no attention to Sanan's frown. His legs ached but he could stand upright sans worry of his legs buckling.
Tears pricked his eyelids as he rushed to the sword rack and removed the blade, carefully hugging it to his chest. He was grateful his family had rejected it like they had rejected him. His sword was the sole certain, honest thing in his life after all this insanity and deception.
"A warrior is nothing without his sword," Sanan murmured.
A lying warrior in your case, Katamitsu internally scoffed. He gestured to the older man's left arm."Your arm."
Sanan rubbed the limb."The Water of Life healed me."
"Worth it?" Katamitsu asked bitterly.
"Yes," Sanan replied without hesitation, posture straight and eyes staring ahead."I regret my injury, but not my choices afterward. I would have committed seppuku for certain if I kept living as a pitied cripple."
Pitied? That was inevitable. But if anyone lost respect for the colonel it was because of his hostility and poor coping skills, not pity. Any attempt to help was mistaken as pity and received a reprimand. What else did he expect?
A warrior was more than his sword. One didn't need to physically fight to be a warrior. He thought someone as intelligent as Sanan could understand that. Another addition to the list of lies he worshipped as truth.
If Sanan wished to live this way, that was fine. That didn't give him the right to give others hope for redemption, only to leave them to lonely insanity. Kondou and Hijikata were in on this too. Katamitsu trusted and respected these men, and they repaid it by betraying their own brothers!
Glaring at Sanan from the corner of his eye, Katamitsu thought that his friends would have preferred death if they understood the full truth of drinking that poison.
Sanan looked to the spot where the chains used to be."All that struggling, was that you trying to get my attention?"
Katamitsu bowed his head in confirmation. The despair whenever the door closed as Sanan left, the commitment to forcing out moments of clarity...each second felt like an eternity. He swallowed."H-How long was I...chained?"
Sanan raised his eyebrows."I thought you could tell time."
Katamitsu shut his eyes."I figured it out...eventually." He hugged his sword tighter."It hurt so much, had to make myself think, make myself focus, to make you notice me."
Sanan inhaled sharply, avoiding eye contact."You "died" six months ago, Kimura-kun. I noticed your struggling three weeks ago. All those months you were fighting for sanity and begging for aid. The others..."
Katamitsu's head snapped up."I want to see them. They need help. They're scared, hurting, confused, and angry! I can't leave them alone!" He fell to his knees, clutching the sword to his chest harder than ever for comfort.
Being trapped, whether in chains or behind bars, not understanding anything, desperate for the agony and thirst to be soothed, that overwhelming urge to kill, the chaos that consumed nearly the entire mind. He endured it for six months. He spent years with the Shinsengumi and lost so many friends to the code and battle that he wouldn't have been able to keep count if not for his devotion to honoring their memory.
Sanan brought his hands into his sleeves, still struggling with eye contact."The other men who drank the serum after I did are kept in cells while the truly unstable ones are chained like you were. I've never seen any of them show a hint of sanity. It took you months to indicate your sanity to me. Them...they must be..." He cleared his throat and looked to the side, eyes wide and teeth digging into his lower lip."The Furies sleep during the day. Well, those that can sleep do. It would best to go once everyone is awake. I checked on them while you were unconscious. I did not see any changes, but as you have proven, one can never be certain."
Katamitsu jumped to his feet, dropping his sword in his urgency."I recognized you right away! Maybe if they saw someone familiar, or someone more like them who understands, they could...please, I need to help them."
"Someone more like them who understands," Sanan parroted in a whisper. He smiled sadly."Yes, you would be the better candidate for that. As I said, you are the first I have seen indicate, let alone regain, sanity. So I do not know what to expect, what to look for, from them. There are also those that joined the Shinsengumi shortly before or after I faked my death, so there is no familiarity. And any familiarity that may have existed has likely shattered for...obvious reasons, I suppose."
Silence fell between them. Katamitsu found his anger at the deception fading, or rather becoming balanced with his oncoming sympathy for the way Sanan acted. He'd realized last night that the promise of being alive and not alone didn't just apply to himself. That said, his anger remained. Sanan was a part of this lie. He made a free choice to drink the serum for petty, selfish reasons while Katamitsu did not even understand what he was doing when he drank due to his dying state.
The others that chose had to choose between death and a possible second chance. Sanan might consider living with his injury to be a worse fate than death, but that was his problem. If he felt guilty, then good. He should feel guilty for betraying men who trusted him like this, as should Hijikata and Kondou. They were disgraces no different than the ronin they hunted. They created a joke of a code they did not even follow, yet punished others with death and worse for doing the same or far lesser crimes.
He recalled hearing Hijikata and Sanan expressing frustration with their superiors, and Kondou's faith in his superiors that mirrored Katamitsu's own undying faith. He scoffed at the memories.
Katamitsu was going to help his friends recover. The leaders who doomed them to madness and loneliness could rot for all he cared. Well, they could rot after he finished using them to fix the damage they caused to himself and gods knew how many others.
Sanan yawned."My apologies," he said, his voice muffled by his hand covering his mouth and the lingering yawn."I am usually asleep during this time."
Although Katamitsu wished to save his comrades as soon as possible, he was too disgusted to look at the one of his traitorous superiors right now. He also needed time to process all of this on his own anyway, so several hours away from Sanan and some alone time would be a blessing.
His stomach growled again, remembering his hunger.
Sanan massaged the bridge of his nose."Let me show you the kitchen and training room here, then I will...give you time to process this."
Katamitsu crossed his arms and silently followed the colonel. Once that was done, he bid him good night (or rather good day considering their situation) and they went to their individual quarters.
Katamitsu sighed deeply as he explored his modified room. He replaced his sword on the rack and recalled the bookshelf. Curious, he approached it and was pleasantly surprised to see books and scrolls containing the stories and history books he spent his whole life reading as part of his devotion to the ways of a samurai. There were also some books full of blank pages and several pens on the shelf.
Humming thoughtfully, he glanced at the desk then back at an empty book and the pens.
The stories and histories he read obviously never had anything like this. For all he knew things like this had been going on since the beginning of time. He clenched his fists, his blood boiling at this deception and betrayal. Someone should know, should make sure others knew, or at least hear these "stories". To know that this suffering was not for nothing. He would die if that was what it took to ensure that this served some purpose.
Grabbing the pens and book, he marched to the desk and sat down. Maybe he could write something to read to his friends, an additional assurance that he understood exactly how they felt and that they could and would make it out of this...alive and not alone.
And so Katamitsu began to write.