Disclaimer: I do NOT own Hakuouki or anything related to it.

"Lonely isn't being alone. It's the feeling that nobody cares."
— Unknown

An agonized cry roused him.

Sanan's eyes snapped open and he shot up into sitting position. That sound had by now become one of the most familiar things to him. He emitted it himself, heard various forms of it from his fellow Furies. He could be deaf and he would still be able to sense that cry.

Another cry, quieter and more strangled than its predecessor, and pounding on the floor, from the room next door. Muttered curses, choked gasps, and a third cry.

Bloodlust.

Sanan threw off the covers, put on his glasses, and rushed to Katamitsu's quarters.

Katamitsu was on all fours, curled into himself and struggling to breathe between pained noises. The shoji being hurriedly slid open caused his head to snap up. He made eye contact with Sanan, clenched his teeth harder than they already were, and tried to turn away. A violent spasm made him scream at the top of his lungs and collapse onto his stomach, spasms still attacking his body. His cries were muffled by his face being pressed against the floor.

Kneeling, Sanan helped the younger man sit and retrieved a medicine packet from his pocket. Katamitsu had taken it several times, more to prove his sanity than to soothe the pain, because they both knew it was practically useless. Sanan's condition was more stable. Katamitsu needed time to adjust; the medicine could be a huge help or a huge hinderance. This should be his choice.

Katamitsu was clinging to Sanan for dear life, one hand gripping his arm in a painfully tight manner and the other holding his clothes tightly enough to rip. His feet wildly kicked and stomped, knocking around the book and pens he'd been using. His eyes were squeezed shut. He wheezed between grunts of pain.

"Kimura-kun," Sanan said into his ear. Katamitsu opened his eyes, desperation and ire filling the crimson irises. Sanan hesitantly showed the medicine packet."This will help a little."

"I-I...know," Katamitsu choked out."A little...not...worth it." He squeezed his eyes shut again and tightened his grip on the colonel."C-Can endure...h-have to endure." Tears ran down his cheeks, and he cried out. His nails dug into the fabric of Sanan's clothing and the skin beneath.

Sanan grimaced. He couldn't stand the idea of pity and would have rejected someone offering him comfort during the bloodlust. He reminded himself that his condition was stable whereas Katamitsu was undergoing severe changes for the second time. Katamitsu was in no condition to handle this alone and even if he could, it was Sanan's job to monitor the Furies, so Sanan had to be here.

Keeping one arm around Katamitsu's shoulders, his free hand dropped the medicine and pressed his palm to his forehead. Katamitsu's brows furrowed, his lips parted in preparation to scream, freezing for a full second before a groan came out. He took a deep breath as the spasms and kicks lessened in severity.

Katamitsu loosened his grip."T-That helps."

Sanan smiled."Consider it a reminder that you're alive and not alone."

And neither am I, he refrained from saying.

Try as he might, he couldn't deny his excitement over finding another sane fury. One that had been trying to communicate for months.

It worried him to think how many other pleas for attention he hadn't noticed. So much work to do. Things could only go up from here, they had to. His patience and Chizuru's faith would pay off for certain.

Chizuru. His heart swelled as he recalled her note. He'd been so occupied with keeping an eye on Katamitsu, checking on the other Furies, and then passing out from exhaustion in the morning that he forgot his mental promise to write a journal entry about her note which was still attached to a page within his journal. He should get to that once tonight's duties were completed.

Katamitsu managed to snort. A faint tremble overtook his body as the bloodlust fit passed. Within a few minutes his breathing was normal. His eyes slowly unclosed. He went still and swallowed."I'm alright now." He shrugged Sanan's arm off and got to his feet to pick up the things he'd dropped, moving quickly to prevent Sanan from assisting.

Sanan frowned. The hostility and distrust he'd failed to notice in his surprised, giddy, and tired state several hours ago afore going to bed was now clear as day. Initially, Katamitsu clung to him like a starved man to a piece of bread, but this time during the bloodlust he did so with resignation, as if he had no other options...which was not necessarily incorrect, since Sanan was the only one here that could help.

"You're angry," he said quietly.

Katamitsu snorted as he placed the book and pens back on the shelf."And here I thought I was being subtle." Were it not for the gravity of the situation, that jest would have made Sanan smirk.

Sanan brought his hands into his sleeves. He should have realized sooner that this was bound to happen and would likely repeat once the others regained mental clarity."It is deserved," he said."I will not deny you that."

Katamitsu gave a tight-lipped smile."I'm so glad my anger is approved by you. Guess I don't have to worry about committing seppuku for insubordination, hmm?"

Once again, in a less grave situation, Sanan would be able to enjoy this banter. With a grimace, he replied,"I'm afraid seppuku isn't possible anymore. Unless you stab yourself in the heart or somehow manage to behead yourself, you cannot die." He suppressed the pang of worry that the younger man would do exactly that.

Scoffing, Katamitsu rolled his eyes."Don't worry, I don't plan on dying and abandoning my friends to rot in the dark from their seemingly endless loneliness and insanity. I'd never dream of betraying them like that." In a quiet, scathing voice, Katamitsu added,"That would be unforgivable."

Sanan lifted his chin and narrowed his eyes. Katamitsu copied the actions. They stared each other down. If looks could kill, they would both be bloody corpses on the floor.

"You consider a second chance at life, being a warrior again, a betrayal?" Sanan asked, cold as ice. His arm ached; he resisted the urge to rub the limb.

"Life?!" Katamitsu snarled so fiercely that Sanan stepped back and brought a hand to his sword just in case he lost control and attacked. Seeing this, Katamitsu sneered."You call this life? You call this being a warrior? We're monsters who can't go out in the sun, who are officially forbidden from stepping outside, left to rot in chains or cells or gilded cages! Water of Life, bah! Poison of Madness or Half-life would be a better name!"

Sanan snorted."Not as catchy, I'm afraid."

Eyes furiously lighting up, Katamitsu grabbed a random book and flung it at Sanan, who sidestepped. He watched the younger Fury like a hawk, ready to draw his sword.

Scoffing, Katamitsu crossed his arms."Do I need to repeat myself? I don't plan on killing anybody. That would ruin my chances of saving my friends. And I am not a traitor."

Sanan clicked his tongue against his teeth."Need I remind you that every Fury was given the choice between drinking or dying?"

Katamitsu stamped his foot, hard enough to crack the floorboard."You call that a choice?! Drink an unknown chemical or die?"

Sanan raised an eyebrow."I was under the impression that warriors don't fear death. I specifically recall you saying you think of yourself as dying a warrior and that you regretted nothing...right before drinking. Additionally, while most that were given the choice drank, there was still a decent amount that accepted death."

Katamitsu laughed, the sound a mixture of iciness and sorrow."And I was under the impression that warriors did whatever it took to fulfill their sacred duty! I was also under the impression that warriors stood beside their brothers, especially when they were in need! And you know I wasn't thinking clearly when I drank! I was in pain and dying, I thought I was imagining things! I didn't know the truth! The sole reason I don't regret drinking is that now I do know the truth and can help my friends be true samurai again, instead of tossing them aside like you did!"

Sanan threw his arms up."What were we supposed to do? Write a book about our history with the serum and recite it to you whilst hoping you would not die before we finished explaining and then offered you the medicine? You could have died at any random moment, as could anyone else who drank while fatally wounded. Those that had to commit seppuku were able to receive an explanation. Lest you, one of our most loyal soliders, has forgotten, their lives were forfeit for breaking the code. It was a chance at atonement." He exhaled deeply."Men in both situations were offered survival and those that drank got exactly that."

Katamitsu touched his chest and stomach, where the ronin had wounded him and would have killed him if he had refused to drink. Closing his eyes, he murmured,"Survival isn't enough."

"They could serve the Shinsengumi again, be the warriors-"

Katamitsu's eyes opened, the red irises wide as saucers."Serve the superiors that lied to them about everything?!" Scowling, he waved an arm as if smacking the idea aside.

Sanan clenched his jaw and swallowed thickly."We did not want to lie, but we had our orders. The shogunate assigned us the task of experimenting with the Water of Life. We were backed into a corner, had little if any other options."

Tears pricked Katamitsu's eyelids; he furiously blinked them away. His voice cracked."Then you shouldn't have us left to rot. Even if you didn't care about us anymore, practicality and your orders should have made you help those that drank-"

Sanan lost control of himself, his voice rising to the loudest possible volume and the words rushing from his mouth of their own accord after gods knew how long of begging and demanding to be released."What do you think I've been trying to do?" He put a hand over his heart."I am a Fury too, remember? I am stuck in this section of the compound, officially dead to the world, unable to enjoy the sun, feeling unbearable pain when the bloodlust strikes, with almost no one else around that I can talk to!" He held his head in his hands and painfully clenched his teeth as he fought the desire to violently hit or throw something."You think I want to live like this? What I want is to never have injured my arm, what I want is someone to talk to besides the person that arrives once a week to deliver supplies, what I want is to find the man who created this concoction so he can explain why he suddenly vanished and left several confused, terrified men as well as his own daughter behind to pick up and put together the broken pieces, what I want is for this serum to be improved and used as the life-saver it is meant to be and not a poison that should only be considered as a last resort, what I want is for myself and every Fury here to be able to serve the Shinsengumi again and be the warriors they want to be and are meant to be! Alas, that is far easier said than done, because I have had practically no assistance, since most of my friends fear the Fury Corp. and think we might as well be a lost cause, and the few that do care and want to help are in no position to do so!"

Silence, so intense that a pin dropping could be heard, settled within the room once Sanan finished his rant. He inhaled and exhaled deeply, willing himself to calm down. His head pounded, his heart raced, and his throat hurt from yelling. Katamitsu gaped at him for five seconds, then turned his back to him and crossed his arms as he pondered what had just happened. The argument had drained both of them.

Eventually, Katamitsu looked over his shoulder and muttered,"If I weren't aware of your disdain for pity, I'd think you were trying to make me feel sorry for you." He stiffened."You were the only one of us that suffered no coercion to drink, at least not the same kind that we faced."

Sanan pursed his lips."Yes, I am the closest thing we have to an ideal Fury." He straightened his posture and stuffed his hands into his sleeves."You have every right to distrust and despise me, to feel that way about all of your superiors. But be aware that your negativity toward us cannot compare to the self-loathing we feel for having failed our brothers and not being strong enough in the past to stand on our own feet without relying on scum like Chief Serizawa and Kodo-san. Unfortunately, we are stuck cleaning up their messes and must make the best of it."

Biting his lip, Katamitsu turned away from Sanan in favor of staring at the bookshelf and absentmindedly running his fingers over the various books and scrolls on it."Define 'better'," he said.

Sanan tilted his head."Hmm?"

Katamitsu turned to face him with crossed arms."You promised you'd give me the full story and let me see the others once I was better. So far, I've gotten bits and pieces of an explanation, but not the full story."

Sanan nodded."Fair enough. I believe you are ready to hear the full story. As for your friends...well, as I said, your body is still adjusting. Once you are more stable, I will take you to them. I just need you to be a little patient with me."

Katamitsu turned away."I suppose if I can endure six months of being chained and struggling for attention, then several more days or weeks of...adjustment won't be a big problem."

Sanan hesitated, but approached Katamitsu, stopping a few feet behind him. He laid a tentative hand on Katamitsu's shoulder."I know I am repeating myself, but I accept your contempt and distrust. But while I do regret the ways things have been handled here, I do not regret where they led us."

Katamitsu tensed."We can agree on that, at least. Just not for the same reasons."

Sanan squeezed his shoulder."And we can agree that our fellow Furies need our help and that we need each other's help in order to save them." Katamitsu gave a curt nod at that statement."Then we have a truce?"

"For now," Katamitsu replied coldly. He laughed mirthlessly."Should be interesting multitasking between watching each other's backs and our own backs."

Sanan lifted his chin and narrowed his eyes. The threat was clear and to be expected; he would be ready if it came to that, but he would prefer for that to not happen."You won't even give me the chance to atone for failing my brothers?" He whispered.

Rather than snap at him, Katamitsu slumped his shoulders. He looked as tired and wistful as Sanan, and his voice as he whispered back reflected that."I'd rather not be disappointed again. I fully expected betrayal from my family and I was a fool not to expect it from my superiors. Good intentions don't guarantee good results."

"True," Sanan agreed, smiling faintly."But the Shinsengumi have never given up easily."

Katamitsu huffed and rolled his eyes."Please just give me the full story already," he said, voice filled with exasperation.

Well, this was a start, and better than exchanging shouts and fighting each other.