Disclaimer: I do NOT own Hakuouki or anything related to it.

"Second chances are not the same as forgiveness."
— Erin Bowman

Silence settled over the men once Sanan finished explaining.

Sanan told the full story of how the Water of Life entered their lives and why Chizuru's gender was kept secret. Katamitsu showed little emotion during the explanation, keeping his eyes shut and fists clenched on his lap. He hadn't uttered a word nor made a gesture in reaction, and even three minutes after the story concluded he remained still and silent as stone. Sanan began to wonder if he'd fallen asleep while sitting.

Finally, Katamitsu heaved a sigh."Here I thought I was exaggerating when I wondered if everything I knew was a lie. From the very start, you've been lying." He reached for his teacup that had gone cold and downed it in one sip."Why am I still surprised?" There was no sarcasm, just resignation with a painful reality.

Sanan clutched his teacup. No consolations or apologies would mean anything. Actions spoke louder than words and he had much work to do in regaining trust and saving his fellow Furies.

Katamitsu crossed his arms."If Yukimura is his daughter, how could she not know? She seriously had no clue?"

Sanan bit his tongue to keep from snapping at the younger man for daring to suspect Chizuru. Snapping would do her no favors. He tapped his fingers against his cup."We had no clue Kodo-san had a daughter until we met her. He was quiet about his personal life. We had no reason to be interested in his private affairs until he went missing. She said he often traveled for work for long periods of time and hardly spoke of business outside of their clinic to her. He kept secrets from all of us." He tilted his gaze downwards."Yukimura-kun is honest. We were initially suspicious of her, but it has long since become clear to us that she is as perplexed and frightened by her father's actions as we are."

Katamitsu scoffed."Or she's as skilled a liar as her father."

Sanan tightened his grip on the cup until his knuckles whitened. Again he bit tongue."I know her," he said sternly then added in a quieter voice,"All of the leaders know her. She can be too kind for her own good sometimes, but she is not like us...especially me." He lifted his chin and locked their gazes."Take out your anger on the men who did this to you. I won't allow her to suffer anymore because of my mistakes."

Looking to the side, Katamitsu closed his eyes. He appeared torn between irritation and amusement."Either she's as honest and innocent as you believe she is, or she's got you wrapped around her little finger." He snorted."Although I certainly wouldn't mind the latter, it'd be nice to have someone else that knows what it's like to be used as a pawn by the people you trust."

Sanan suppressed his annoyance. Alright, he deserved that along with the other insults. As long as Chizuru wasn't bearing the consequences for his actions and it didn't hinder research, this was fine. And Katamitsu was not wrong; he had put her in danger with his nightly pranks on Itou.

Katamitsu was going to be his main concern for now, a slow but sure recovery and then he would do the same for the rest of the Fury Corp. Best that they primarily focus on research and study; along the way Sanan could attempt reconciliation. He needed Katamitsu to trust him beyond the practical logic of requiring each other's assistance, to try to rebuild camaraderie. That in itself was a logical choice, but it was also Sanan's wish to raise his comrades back up. He couldn't bear the thought of all this suffering being for naught, and Katamitsu shared that desire. The Furies were his responsibility, and only cowards fled from their responsibilities.

"How do you feel, physically?" Sanan asked.

Katamitsu shrugged."Normal. I eat, drink, and move around the same as before, save for the bloodlust and discomfort under the sun." At Sanan's worried look, he said,"I didn't go outside, just opened a window and stuck my hand out. Oh and I still look like a Fury, right?"

Furrowing his brows and tilting his head, Sanan uttered,"You haven't looked in a mirror?" He'd been alone all day and hadn't thought to do that, after not seeing his own face for months?

Katamitsu ducked his head, looking like he was struggling not to cry."I'd rather not see the monster staring back at me." His voice was scarcely above a murmur.

Sanan winced. No matter his pride in regaining his ability to wield a sword, the bloodlust always implanted little doubts in his soul. He always responded by damning those doubts to hell, but no one was invincible. He simply learned to endure the mental pains the same way he endured the physical pains...or attempt to.

He grasped Katamitsu's shoulder."Monsters don't weep." The tears and sobs Katamitsu had released after speaking for the first time in months almost drove Sanan to tears. He didn't want to imagine being chained for that long, with no sense of time for the majority of his imprisonment, trapped inside his own mind, unable to make his body cooperate, struggling for even a microsecond of clarity, anything to be noticed and given help and mercy...he shuddered at the thought.

Katamitsu's tired eyes looked back up at him. The ghost of a smile, wry and sad, crossed his lips."I used to think that too."

Sanan gave a second wince. He knew words would have little effect, or most likely none. Still, he had to try.

Katamitsu pinched the bridge of his nose, yawning from sleepiness as well as exhaustion from the argument and revelations. He rubbed his eyes."Do you need me for anything right now?"

Sanan shook his head."You may go rest if you wish." As Katamitsu stood to leave, he added,"We should start adjusting your sleeping schedule to make research easier for both of us."

Without turning around, Katamitsu said,"Right. Wake me up halfway through the night tonight."

"Very well," Sanan said softly."Good night."

Katamitsu gave a lazy wave over his shoulder on his way out.

Sanan sat still, listening as the shoji to the room next door opened and closed, and Katamitsu's footfalls as he went to his futon. He stayed silent for several minutes until he was sure the younger Fury had fallen asleep.

Sighing deeply, Sanan rubbed his temples. He needed to go check on the other Furies, but after what happened with Katamitsu, his excitement was battling dread. He should have expected this. It was preferable to the silence, dead ends, and loneliness, but difficult nonetheless.

Speaking of dead ends, the investigation for Kodo was at a standstill. At least, last he heard it was. He didn't want to wonder how long it'd been since he received a complete update, especially after Inoue revealed that Kondou and Hijikata neglected to inform him of Souma and Nomura's recruitment. He truly might as well be a lost cause to them.

Clenching his fists, he swore that he would not let his Furies suffer that. If they were to be considered lost causes, then they should have been allowed to die. They weren't going to sit until madness claimed them or the shogunate decided they were more trouble than they were worth and ordered their extermination. He would have been content to drag the cowards down to hell with him if he were the sole person affected by this, but that wasn't an option in these circumstances.

There was much to do, and come what may, he - no, they - would persevere. Alive and not alone.

Katamitsu lay on his side, somehow both exhausted and restless.

Every word uttered between himself and Sanan since the former at last managed to speak echoed in his ears on an endless loop.

Such a myriad of emotions. Relief, shock, anguish, fury, tiredness, desperation, and last but certainly not least in the slightest, determination.

He didn't forgive Sanan, wasn't sure if he could ever forgive him. He stood by his belief that Sanan deserved to pay for betraying his comrades, and that the other leaders should get what they deserved too. Deserving of it as they might be, he couldn't enjoy seeing and hearing the pain on Sanan's face and body language as he released his frustrations with his plight.

Did Sanan consider himself a monster? That calm acceptance of the anger, the claims that their victims' indignation couldn't compare to the self-loathing the perpetrators already felt, and the statement that most of the Shinsengumi higher-ups aware of the Fury Corp. considered them lost causes and the few people that wished to help could not.

Sanan had been "dead" for years; he was put in charge of those that received little if any positive attention and handled this alone. He could be lying, and Katamitsu's shattered trust of his superiors made him greatly consider that possibility, but something about the pain he displayed seemed honest, like it was one of the few times he said something with perfect, utter truthfulness. No wonder he hadn't been making breakthroughs. Katamitsu must have been the first true hope he received in his research. Having spent six months in chains with no apparent hope of freedom, help, and mercy, Katamitsu understood Sanan's vexation.

You won't even give me the chance to atone for failing my brothers?

He sighed. He wanted to be able to trust the men he'd admired again, to regain that feelings of faith and happiness that came with being a samurai and standing up for justice against those that lazily sat back and offered empty words while innocents suffered thanks to them. But that was impossible. Kondou was blindly loyal, Hijikata complained and fought but abandoned his "dead" comrades after they consumed the Water of Life. As for Sanan...it did not matter how guilty he felt and if he wished to atone; he had done too much to make amends for his crimes. Once Katamitsu finished using Sanan to save his friends, the colonel would be on his own. He couldn't bear the thought of becoming devoted to a leader only to be stabbed in the back and left to rot a second time.

He nodded in self-confirmation of his plan, and settled into an uneasy sleep.

He mustered the courage to look in a mirror.

Katamitsu had awoken on his own. No nightmares, he just woke up and decided he was no longer sleepy. Seeing as Sanan had not come to rouse him, the night was probably not halfway over.

His knuckles whitened due to his tight grip on the mirror that he held in front of his face. He had a clear view of his once shoulder-length medium brown hair that was now several inches past his shoulders and pure white, formerly dark blue eyes that were now crimson, and his now pale and gaunt face.

Six months in chains, of endless mental and physical agony. He wished all this chaos would turn out to be a nightmare, that his friends were alive and well or had at least been allowed to die as samurai rather than forced to live as monsters, that his superiors had not lied to their brothers-in-arms...

Shakily lowering the mirror, he then covered his face with his hands as tears pricked his eyelids. His heart raced, his head pounded, and his throat ached as sobs begged for release. Resisting the urge to hug himself, he struggled to keep his breathing normal.

There was a tap on the door."Kimura-kun?"

"I'm awake," he said, voice muffled by his palms covering his face. The shoji slid open and Sanan uttered his name again in worry.

Katamitsu tore his hands from his face, coldly saying,"I'm fine." The suppressed sobs made him choke but he swallowed them down.

Sanan knelt beside him and saw the mirror. Katamitsu backed away from the mirror and slid it away, not trusting his emotions as the fear of snapping and shattering the mirror consumed him.

Sanan's eyebrows rose."I thought you didn't want to see your reflection yet," he said. Taking the mirror, he put it behind his back to hide it from the younger man's view, which he appreciated.

A sigh left the bespectacled man."If you weren't ready, you shouldn't have-"

Katamitsu slammed his fist into the floor, almost hard enough to break the tatami. He hissed in pain as the skin of his knuckles broke; a few droplets fell onto the mat afore the wounds healed and every visual hint of damage vanished. A string of curses burst from his mouth in half-growls, half-mutters as he rubbed his knuckles.

He scowled at Sanan."Is anyone ever ready to look at their reflection for the first time in months and see a stranger that may not even be human staring back at them?!"

Sanan moved backwards in his seat and glanced at his sword. Katamitsu resisted the urge to scoff and coldly remind him that he had no intentions of attacking since that would ruin his chances of saving his friends. True as that was, controlling his Fury side was difficult. Plus, he'd lost control the first three times that Sanan checked on him for hints of sanity.

Exhaling deeply, Katamitsu rubbed his forehead to ward off a headache. He stared at the tatami, his quivering fists clenching and unclenching. Sanan grasped both of his wrists and lightly squeezed them; the quivering slowed and then stilled after he gave another squeeze.

"You're not a monster," Sanan stated, as if it were a universally known fact. When Katamitsu did not look up, Sanan leaned down to make eye contact and placed a hand on his shoulder."When you doubt yourself, think of your friends. If you can't see yourself as anything more than a beast, how can you help them recover?"

Katamitsu scowled."You think I haven't considered that?!" He covered his face with his palms again and gave a weak shake of his head."It's not that easy," he mumbled miserably.

Sanan squeezed his shoulder."I know. But the way of a warrior is never an easy one, and the Shinsengumi - and any true warrior - do not give up easily."

Katamitsu bit his lips and tongue to stifle the angry responses he longed to start yelling out again. He couldn't afford to yell whenever the desire struck him and he needed help in order to save his friends. He couldn't help them if he couldn't help himself. From a practical and emotional perspective.

Maybe Sanan thought the exact same thing about himself.

Katamitsu exhaled deeply once more and rubbed his hands over his face to clear his mind. He didn't try to remove Sanan's hand from his shoulder.

For better or for worse, they were alive and not alone.

The bloodlust came.

Sanan dropped the books and pens he'd been carrying, barely hearing them clatter to the floor. One hand clutched his chest, where his lungs and heart tightened and pounded, and the other hand clutched his burning throat. He crumbled to his knees at the same time that a spasm attacked him; instead of landing on all fours like usual, he landed on his side and hit his desk in the process.

Crying out, he clawed at the tatami to keep from clawing at his own flesh.

The shoji slid open. Katamistu ran over and knelt beside him, trying to help him sit, but Sanan shook his head.

"I'm fine," Sanan muttered."I-I can...you don't need to-ah!" He punched the floor in response to another spasm."Damn it!" This was the only time when he agreed that the Water of Life deserved to be called a poison. But it was worth it. He couldn't, wouldn't entertain a life as a useless cripple wallowing in self-pity and pity from those around him.

Katamitsu seemed torn. His eyes were wide, mouth opening and closing, hands still hovering in the air from his attempt to aid the colonel before being told not to. After closing his mouth for the third and final time, his expression softened and he let his hands drop to his lap where he balled the fabric of his pants in his fists.

Sanan gave him a grimace, then turned away as another cry escaped him. He continued clawing and punching the tatami, and muttering curses between gasps and moans and grunts and cries of pained frustration. The spasms now plagued his entire body, each worse than the previous one. His throat burned so much he worried it would actually catch fire, his lungs tightened to the point that he expected to suffocate at any random moment, and his heart pounded so fiercely that it made him wonder if his heart would burst from his chest. Whimpering, he pressed his forehead to the floor.

Then he felt something touch his back, soothingly cool even through the fabric of his clothing, and begin rubbing comforting circles into his back. He stilled for five seconds, succeeding in getting a full inhale of air before a spasm went through his whole body and he emitted a choked groan.

Katamitsu's ministrations were slow and hesitant, as was his voice when he whispered,"Consider it a reminder that you're alive and not alone."

Sanan snorted. The bloodlust went on for...he was uncertain how long, but he guessed a few more minutes, and then he steadily started to relax and regain self-control. With a final groan of exhaustion, he completely collapsed.

"You've been a Fury for years," Katamitsu said, voice strained."How did you endure that alone?"

Sanan averted his eyes."I had no choice."

"Yes, but-"

"How did you maintain your faith after loss upon loss of friends to the code?" Sanan asked, his tone clipped.

Katamitsu pursed his lips and looked to the side."...I didn't think I had a choice," he said.

"Warriors must constantly endure, otherwise they are doomed," Sanan stated, shakily struggling to get into a proper sitting position. He was still averting his eyes as he asked,"Why did you help me? I've lost count of how many times I've suffered the bloodlust. I am, well not used to it, but I am more stable, so I can mostly cope without aid." He snorted."And I deserve this."

Katamitsu kept his gaze sideways."I don't enjoy seeing others suffer, even if they may deserve it, and even then I doubt anybody deserves to suffer this agony." He stood and turned to leave.

Sanan closed his eyes and gave a faint smile while emitting a thoughtful hum."Monsters don't feel sympathy and empathy." He cracked an eye open."Or is that something else you used to think too?"

Katamitsu froze in the process of opening the door. His back was facing Sanan, so he couldn't see the younger man's expression. But he did see Katamitsu tense before exiting the room, having never replied to Sanan's question.

Sanan's smile widened and he gave another hum.

Well, this was progress. Slow but sure progress.

For the tenth time in the last half-hour, Katamitsu cursed.

He had decided to practice with his sword, and the six months of no training were in effect. The motions were either partially or fully gone from his memory, no longer coming naturally to him. Several times he stumbled, paused in thought, and muttered profanity. The desire to shout and destroy the room in a blind rage consumed him, worsening his attempts to train. He needed to learn to handle his frustration, otherwise he would become a worse monster than he already was.

Monsters don't weep.

Monsters don't feel sympathy and empathy.

He froze mid-motion, eyes falling shut and a sigh leaving his lips. He couldn't take any chances with his or Sanan's sanity since they required one another's help. Even if Sanan could handle it, it was best to minimize the risks. Still, he couldn't claim that he didn't feel sorry for someone in pain. If anyone deserved that suffering, it would be a traitor, but he couldn't enjoy witnessing that nor could he wish it on someone.

"I had trouble readjusting too."

Katamitsu spun around on his heel, almost tripping in his swiftness, to see Sanan standing near the entrance of the room. He must have been so busy focusing on his attempts to train that he didn't hear him come in.

The colonel was rubbing his left arm with a wry expression."I had been injured for a year, could barely move my arm. Needless to say, I had much readjusting to do in terms of practice."

Katamitsu had considered asking Sanan for a sparring partner, but if he could barely handle regular practice motions, a practice fight was far beyond his abilities for now. But he could use some help nonetheless.

Sanan sighed, still rubbing his limb."For the most part I was alone. No constant sparring partners. My body needed to catch up with my mind."

Katamitsu tried to perform a move with his blade, but as with the others, he only remembered half of it and tripped in the middle of a critical turn. He cursed under his breath for the eleventh time and then sheathed his sword. He turned to Sanan and crossed his arms."I need to recall the motions. I've either partially or completely forgotten all of them. I tried to find books so I could read and then physically relearn everything, but I couldn't find anything." He lightly kicked at the tatami."How did you relearn this without reading?"

Sanan snorted."I spent that entire year after my injury experimenting with the Water of Life in the hopes that it would fix my arm, so you can imagine I also kept my brain aware of the motions even if my body could not perform them. That being said, thinking and doing are not the same." He frowned and shook his head."People think drinking the Water of Life will make them undefeatable gods simply because their strength and healing is enhanced. Your body can only do so much without discipline." After glancing at his own weapon and then at Katamitsu's weapon, he nodded."I'll request some books about swordplay tomorrow."

"Why tomorrow?"

"Someone will deliver supplies to us tomorrow night."

Katamitsu's eyebrows rose. He'd forgotten about that."Who?" He inquired.

Sanan shrugged."Last week it was Inoue-san. As far as I can tell, there isn't much of a pattern. Probably whoever is least disturbed by the idea of stepping foot inside this section of the compound during that week. Most of the time I imagine the poor soul is forced to go. They usually deliver the supplies and flee." His tone became increasingly caustic as he continued speaking, to the point that the air felt thick enough to slice with a blade.

For some reason, Katamitsu felt amused."You'd like it to be Yukimura, wouldn't you?" He asked, half-jokingly.

Sanan's face showed no emotion, but his voice was barely above a whisper."She used to do that in the beginning, but she has other duties now." He stiffened."And I would rather she not be troubled because of me."

"Hmm." Katamitsu bit his lips to suppress a smile. He still wasn't sure why this amused him, but he wasn't going to complain about feeling something other than frustration.

Sanan turned to look at him with an arched eyebrow."Why are you asking?"

Katamitsu inclined his head."I think you know why."

Now both of Sanan's eyebrows had risen and he was in the process of opening his mouth to ask for clarification when the realization of Katamitsu's implications abruptly struck him. His jaw dropped and he froze for a full five seconds before shaking his head."Do not be ridiculous!" He said sternly but also a bit too quickly."She is younger than Toudou-kun!"

Katamitsu rolled his eyes."Why do I get the feeling you're trying to convince yourself more than me?"

Sanan scoffed."I think I liked you better when you were glaring at me and insulting me."

Katamitsu gave his own scoff."Don't worry, that won't be changing anytime soon."

Sanan smirked."But it will change eventually," he said dryly.

Katamitsu's eyes widened and he scowled."I never said that."

"You implied it."

"Don't put words into my mouth."

"I'm not doing anything of the sort."

"Then don't twist my words. Is that more accurate?"

"Not really, you still implied-"

Katamitsu lost his patience then."Shut up!" The blind rage almost completely took over him, but he had enough control to know what he was doing. He rushed at the colonel at the speed of light. Sanan reached for his sword, but Katamitsu threw himself to the floor to dodge a swing aimed for his chest and then he lunged at Sanan, catching him by the left arm and kicking him in the knee. More surprised than pained, Sanan dropped his weapon. Katamitsu slammed Sanan against the wall, drew his sword, and held it close to the older man's neck. Sanan went still, watching Katamitsu with curiosity instead of alarm.

Katamitsu snarled in Sanan's face."I will never forgive you, Commander Hijikata, or Chief Kondou for what you did to us! I won't forgive anyone who orchestrated all this suffering and betrayal!" His voice then became cold as ice."And if you lead the Furies astray, if you become a threat to us...I'll kill you myself."

Sanan lifted his chin, meeting the gaze of the man threatening his life without hesitation. He nodded curtly, and his voice was matter-of-fact as he said,"I'll hold you to that."

Katamitsu wanted to snarl again, but strangely he decided to silently accept the colonel's words. He released him, stepped back, and sheathed his sword.

And then he felt his appearance change. He knew, just knew, that he looked human again. Sanan's pleasantly surprised countenance merely confirmed what he already knew.

With a calmness even he didn't understand, Katamitsu left the room.