Disclaimer: I do NOT own Hakuouki or anything related to it.
"And perhaps most I loved this about her, her helpless way, love it still, how she can't hide a single thing, that she looks hurt when she is hurt, seems happy when happy. That I know at every moment the precise place where she stands. What else can move a man like me, who would find nothing as siren or comforting?"
— Chang-rae Lee
Sanan stood on the engawa, enjoying the fresh air.
Whoever was delivering supplies should arrive at any moment now. He wondered whose turn it was. Inoue might come again, or perhaps Yamazaki. They'd both shown interest in his research when the former was here the previous week and during the two weeks that the latter spent assisting Sanan in forming a plan for Itou. Sanan would like to talk to someone that cared and was curious about the Furies.
You'd like it to be Yukimura, wouldn't you?
Sanan shoved his hands into his sleeves. His palm tingled at the memory of her touch, his eyes shut as he recalled her smile and kind words. The last time they'd spoken was that night when he comforted her and promised that he would ensure that Itou never bothered her again, and the last time he saw her was without her knowledge when he secretly checked on her two weeks ago; he had fled immediately after leaving a note on her windowsill. It would be nice to have a pleasant encounter with her.
Unconsciously he touched his lips, remembering how he kissed her forehead. His research busied him enough to distract him from thinking of her too much, but now that he was alone and sans distractions, she rushed to the center of his mind.
He missed her. Missed her consolations, assurances, and positivity. It occurred to him that even when he wasn't directly thinking about her, her moral support helped him keep going.
From a logical standpoint, it might be good for her to come. She'd shown interest in learning more about her father's involvement and seeing the Furies would be beneficial for that. He had only given her a summary of how the Shinsengumi met Kodo and began the experiments. Although she was understandably upset at hearing the dark truth, she did not regret asking and he did not regret telling. It was a relief to tell anyone of the situation, more so when that someone was technically as much a part of it as him and shared his feelings on the matter.
Regardless of who came, he had a report to make. Katamitsu did not seem ready to reveal himself, so Sanan promised to let him remain anonymous until the younger man decided otherwise. It wouldn't be hard to explain that the Fury needed time to adjust before talking to others, as he was still adjusting to Sanan. None of that was a lie.
Soon he would allow Katamitsu to accompany him in visiting the rest of the Furies. Not tonight, but soon. Hopefully, this would lead to additional breakthroughs.
His ruminations were broken by the distant but approaching sounds of footsteps and voices, the latter of which were very familiar. Three specific voices he had heard the most out of all of his comrades recently.
Inoue, Yamazaki...and Chizuru.
Sanan ceased breathing and blocked out all noise except for the voices. He had to be imagining things. It was simply impossible for the three people he wanted to see most to actually be here. But as he focused on the increasingly closer and clearer voices, he could not deny the truth. Unless, of course, he blamed the serum for influencing his mind, but his pride would not allow him to consider that possibility. And those voices, especially hers, could never be perfectly copied by a hallucination. Nothing about her could ever be faked.
Sure enough, the trio appeared from around a corner, chatting amongst themselves. Sanan blinked, once, twice, thrice, but the image of the visitors did not fade.
They were really here.
This was one of the greatest coincidences of his life.
Chizuru was the first to notice him. She locked eyes with him and her lips spread into a bright smile that made his heart skip a beat. Yamazaki and Inoue only had time to turn their heads forward before Chizuru dashed past them and hurried toward Sanan.
"Sanan-san!" She was still smiling as she stopped in front of him. Sanan felt his own lips twist and spread to return the smile. His hands moved out of his sleeves and one of them rested atop her head. They stayed like that until Inoue and Yamazaki got there. Reluctantly he withdrew his hand and turned to her companions. Part of him longed to embrace her and kiss her forehead, but the presence of an audience prevented him from fulfilling that desire.
"Well, this is a pleasant surprise," he said, raising his eyebrows.
Inoue chortled."That was the intention."
Chizuru nodded."Inoue-san wanted to give you a surprise." Her smile grew."We'll be taking over the deliveries from now on."
Sanan's eyes became the size of saucers. Maybe there was a small problem with his hearing, after all.
"Sanan-san?" For the second time her voice assured him that this was real. Perhaps wanting to provide further assurance, she shifted the supplies she was holding to one arm and reached toward him with her free hand, entwining their fingers as she had done twice in the past. His other hand moved of its own accord to cover hers.
Her warmth was the most realistic thing in existence. This was certainly real.
"Toudou was supposed to join us tonight, but he received serious last-minute orders from the Chief and Commander that they wouldn't elaborate on," Yamazaki said. He glanced at the sky whilst muttering,"Whether or not he keeps his word when he is available remains to be seen."
"Unlikely," Sanan spoke automatically, his voice matter-of-fact. Heisuke tried to visit him weeks earlier and fled despite showing hesitation when he witnessed Sanan suffer a bloodlust fit. The colonel didn't want half-hearted apologies or for anyone to force themselves to pretend to care. If someone preferred to stay away, it was better for both sides that they did precisely that.
Yamazaki seemed to agree with Sanan, as did Inoue, though the latter showed sadness. Chizuru looked like she wished to protest but thought better of it. Silence fell over them until Inoue cleared his throat.
"When we say that we are taking over deliveries, we also mean that we'll be paying frequent visits here so you can receive and give updates." His lips formed a thin line, the displeasure he'd displayed upon learning that Sanan got little to no news clear as day and stronger than ever."This should have always been the case, but since Isami-san and Toshi-san are so conveniently busy, we'll be taking care of this for them."
Grimacing, Yamazaki shifted his supplies to one arm and pointed to his ear. It took Sanan six seconds to realize that the ninja was trying to convey that Inoue had yelled at Hijikata and Kondou on Sanan's behalf.
Inoue was offended for Sanan and had not suppressed/forgotten his indignation. He had simply decided that changes would happen and that this was not up for debate.
Alas, that is far easier said than done, because I have had practically no assistance, since most of my friends fear the Fury Corp. and think we might as well be a lost cause, and the few that do care and want to help are in no position to do so!
It seemed that those few were not as powerless to help as he believed. Naturally, a pang of pessimism struck him, but he suppressed it. He knew Inoue, Chizuru, and Yamazaki would always try to do what was right and now he felt guilty for dismissing them as powerless people with good intentions.
Many thoughts flooded his brain, yet no words formed in his mouth. One was certain: he was not complaining in the slightest. He was pleased...and touched.
He squeezed Chizuru's hand, then released her to reach for some of the things she was carrying. She let him take half. He turned to go inside, and the trio followed with Chizuru walking closest to Sanan.
How strange it'd be to adjust from getting practically zero attention to this. Not an unpleasant change for sure, but it'd take time to get used to.
This would make it harder for Katamitsu to remain anonymous, but Sanan would respect his wish to the best of his ability under these circumstances. It was the least Katamitsu, along with the other Furies, deserved.
Sanan led them to his room, where they set about sorting the supplies. It occurred to him that Katamitsu used to be a shopkeeper's son prior to joining the Shinsengumi, so maybe Sanan should ask him if he wanted to help with this task when everyone else was gone or when he was ready to drop his anonymity. He also remembered that he promised to ask for swordplay books so Katamitsu could relearn his sword training.
"By the way, Sanan-san, how is that breakthrough you mentioned?" Inoue asked casually, as if sensing Sanan's thoughts. Yamazaki's head snapped in Sanan's direction so quickly it was a wonder his neck didn't snap; he obviously intended to ask that question. Chizuru tilted her head curiously.
No sooner had the question left Inoue's mouth, than a door sliding open and footsteps were heard. Katamitsu appeared in the doorway, looking nervous and distrustful of the guests.
"I thought you weren't ready to reveal your identity," Sanan said."I told you I'd leave your name out in my report."
Keeping his gaze tilted downwards, Katamitsu shrugged. Mayhap he was curious, or his desire to do something instead of hide convinced him to exit his room, or perhaps both reasons caused this.
Chizuru and Yamazaki stepped forward, spurred by curiosity...and recognition. When Katamitsu lifted his head, they both gasped.
"K-Kimura-san?" Chizuru stammered, one hand covering her mouth and the other over her heart.
Yamazaki took another step forward, as fascinated by the breakthrough as he was shocked by who exactly it was."You were injured protecting the Chief," he stated.
Katamitsu lifted his head, eyes wide. He touched his chest and stomach, where his fatal wounds had been located."You...remember me?" His focus was mostly on Chizuru, but no hostility was directed at her, else-wise Sanan would have shielded her.
Chizuru straightened her posture, showing a somberness anyone rarely saw from the optimistic young woman."Doctors never forget their patients," she said firmly. Yamazaki nodded in agreement. Kodo and Matsumoto had said that same sentence multiple times, leaving zero room for doubt of them really believing those words.
Katamitsu closed his eyes."I've heard that warriors never forget their comrades." He met her gaze, the ghost of a smile crossing his face."I'm glad that one of those phrases is true." None of the caustic quality he usually displayed when saying something like this was present. He was as somber as Chizuru.
Sanan ignored the bemused look Inoue sent him, though the older man soon reached an understanding of Katamitsu's meaning.
Crossing his arms, Katamitsu leaned against the doorframe."I heard," he said curtly, knowing there was no need to elaborate.
Yamazaki and Chizuru exchanged a glance afore they looked at Sanan, who was unsure how to proceed. Inoue was the one to respond.
"If he prefers to remain anonymous for now, then we will simply not tell the others his name. They would still be getting a full report without this tiny detail. If they have a problem with that, they should have gone here themselves."
Sanan flicked his head at Inoue as if say,"What he said." It was practically identical to the original plan they'd agreed upon, save for the three people that as of recently knew the anonymous Fury's identity.
Katamitsu blinked, then gave a slow, cold smile that impressed even Sanan."What stopped you from going until recently?"
No one responded. Katamitsu's expression softened briefly when he saw Chizuru hang her head in shame, but he offered none of this sympathy to Inoue or Yamazaki, giving them the same treatment he gave Sanan.
Inoue nodded, looking very repentant."I should have noticed this issue sooner," he agreed.
"As should I," Yamazaki said.
"Me too," Chizuru said softly.
Again Katamitsu offered the girl sympathy."The few that do care and wish to help are in no position to do so," he spoke just as softly. Sanan needn't be a telepath to know that Katamitsu was also recalling his wish to have another person who understood how it felt to be lied to and manipulated by those one trusted.
"In any case," Katamitsu changed the subject, pushing himself off the doorframe and uncrossing his arms."The colonel's organization is shitty, so I figured I'd help sort and arrange things."
Sanan's eyebrows rose to the greatest possible height."Excuse me?" Sanan was many things, and disorganized was certainly not one of them. He prided himself on always being neat, as opposed to Hijikata.
Katamitsu rolled his eyes."You heard me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, considering you probably need those glasses to see two inches in front of your face."
Sanan scowled."Excuse me?!" He only needed the spectacles to see from a distance, an important necessity when one was a warrior in constant danger.
Really, of all the topics to insult him over...
Katamitsu lazily waved an arm."Seems you have trouble seeing and hearing. No surprise there."
Sanan tried to stutter out a response, but all he managed was the constant opening and closing of his mouth, and he was fully aware that he resembled an imbecile.
Katamitsu smirked."So you can dish it but you can't take it. Do the lack of surprises never cease?"
"Excuse me?!" Sanan scowled once more."I have 'taken' your insults and distrust all week, so I am perfectly capable of 'taking' it"
Grinning wryly, Katamitsu shrugged."Well, you're petty enough to not be able to take the simple stuff."
Sanan's eye twitched"I'm petty?!" Never had anyone taken the risk of completely infuriating him in this manner.
"No!" Chizuru said quickly, grabbing his hand. She bit her lip as she contemplated the accusation, then she quietly said,"Okay, maybe a little. But I don't think you mean to be."
Katamitsu howled with laughter."It must be a tragic day, or night I should say, for you when even she can't completely reassure you!"
"Most likely," Inoue agreed. Yamazaki pretended to be interested in the wall; he seemed to be hiding his own agreement/amusement.
Sanan wanted to disappear into the floor. This spiteful young man had done the impossible: he beat Sanan at his own game. Sanan was as impressed as he was humiliated and furious.
Satisfied with his victory, Katamitsu walked to them to help sort the supplies. Well, at least Sanan was correct about him wishing to use his knowledge from prior to becoming a samurai to help. However, there were better, less pride-damaging ways for that to happen.
Chizuru still held his hand, and he was loath to break contact. He wanted to hold on to her warmth for as long as possible.
Inoue cleared his throat, and everyone turned to him."Perhaps Kimura-kun can show Yamazaki-kun and I where to put these materials while Yukimura-kun assists you here." Not waiting for approval, he smiled and marched to the door. Yamazaki somehow managed to maintain his stare on the wall while carrying supplies and walking. Katamitsu had forgotten his amusement, but was no doubt aware of what Inoue seemingly plotted.
The door slid shut behind the three men, and their footfalls echoed in the hall as the only sounds due to the awkward silence between Sanan and Chizuru. They stood there, waiting for the sounds to fade out of earshot. Eventually, Sanan realized that someone needed to break the silence and that if they kept waiting for the other person to do it, they would remain like this forever. That wasn't guaranteed to be an utterly terrible fate, but it did not change the fact that they needed to talk.
He emitted a fake cough."It has been awhile." Yes, a statement of the obvious was definitely the best way to start this conservation.
Chizuru blinked, taking a moment to register his sudden ending of the silence. She blushed."Yes, it has." She gently rubbed her thumb along his dorsum.
Well, this conversation was going swimmingly.
"Itou-san hasn't bothered you, I hope?" He inquired, feeling a strong pang of guilt for causing that man to trouble her. He suppressed the desire to slice the bastard's smug face in half.
She shook her head."Yamazaki-san said he'd let you know if he ever suspects that Itou-san or his brother are up to something."
"I see," Sanan murmured."That's good then." He couldn't bear the thought of her suffering because of his mistakes. He made a mental note to thank Yamazaki.
"Are you alright, Sanan-san?" She asked."I was worried, especially when Inoue-san said that Kondou-san and Hijikata-san weren't talking to you." She frowned."I knew they avoided you, but it never occurred to me that it was this bad." She moved closer to him."I'm sorry."
Ironic that the sole person that deserved no blame was the one apologizing the most.
Chuckling, Sanan laid a hand on her head and tapped his fingers against her scalp."I told you that you have no obligation to explain yourself, nor feel guilty or embarrassed. You haven't done anything wrong."
Chizuru stiffened."Well, I haven't done anything right either. I should've mentioned my concerns to someone sooner."
Sanan gave another tap of his fingers on her scalp."It's not your responsibility to clean up the messes of grown men that have forgotten their responsibilities."
"Don't treat me like a child!" Chizuru exclaimed, making him jump in surprise."One of those men is my father! He kept secrets from me and left me alone! The only way for me to find him is to help clean up his mess, and the Furies are a part of that mess!" She paused to take a deep breath."And I won't stand by while someone I care about suffers alone!"
With a sigh, Sanan glanced to the side."You are too kind and optimistic for your own good sometimes, my dear," he muttered.
Chizuru huffed."And you're too jaded and pessimistic for your own good sometimes."
Sanan chuckled mirthlessly."Experience has taught me that. It is called being realistic."
Chizuru shook her head vehemently."Being negative all the time isn't realistic!"
Normally, he would have responded that being positive all the time was equally unrealistic. But that wasn't the kind of person Chizuru was. There was a purity within her, an incorruptible kindness and optimism. It didn't render her oblivious to the problems in the world, far from it; she clung harder to her positive emotions in reaction to each bad experience, refusing to let sorrow control her. It was admirable, and he envied her strength.
Sighing, he stroked her hair."Are you suggesting that you can help me fix this flaw of mine?"
Chizuru hesitated, but when she spoke her voice was firm."I-I don't want my friend to be alone."
Friend. She considered him a friend. Him. He who had been cold to her save for a handful of good interactions, he who had nearly killed her, he who had put her in danger, who had not shown her the clemency she insisted on gifting him.
He snorted."Your standards for friendship must be very low."
Chizuru shifted uncomfortably."Maybe as I continue learning about friendship, I can actually set some standards." She grinned weakly at his confused expression."I didn't really have friends or acquaintances growing up. When I was little I was...sick. I got hurt easily, so I couldn't be too active. I sometimes played dolls with other kids, but I never got close to anyone. My father was the only one always there with me, and he often traveled for work so I got used to being by myself."
Well, he hadn't expected that at all."I thought you were friends with Iba-kun."
Again Chizuru shifted uncomfortably."He must have been one of those children I played with a few times." She shrugged."I forgot about all of them. I'm glad he at least positively remembers me; the other children mostly considered me weird and avoided me. I couldn't play like they wanted to and they didn't want our parents to lecture them so... " She sighed deeply and gave another shrug.
So this was why she was insistent on being there for him. She understood the loneliness and misunderstanding he endured. The last few years of his life were similar to her whole life until she met the Shinsengumi...
She went on."I got better as I grew older. But my father was still worried and by then there was no changing my status as...the strange girl. My father thought it was for the best that things didn't change."
Yes, she was a strange one, but how could that be a bad quality to have? Normality, if it even existed, was overrated. And unlike him, she hadn't chosen to be an outcast, but she was trying to make the best of it. He chose this type of existence and somewhat deserved his outcast status.
If she was sick during her childhood, that explained her discomfort around weapons. She was a doctor's daughter, so that would have added to her preference to avoid danger. Even if she'd improved in health over the years, spending many years under a strict routine was not an easy habit to break, especially if her father insisted that the routine continue even after the problem was long gone.
A spark of anger struck him in regards to Kodo's actions. Protectiveness was understandable, yet if he really wanted his daughter to have a safer life in her condition, he should have used his knowledge as a doctor to make adjustments so she could act like a typical child without hindering herself and taught the other children to be tolerant. It made him wonder if Kodo possessed different reasons for keeping her hidden other than misguided overprotectiveness. As if the man wasn't suspicious enough already...
"I wanted to talk to you about my father," Chizuru said seriously."The investigation isn't making any progress and Hijikata-san and Kondou-san have other things to focus on. I want to find him just as much you do, because we both need him to answer our questions. So I...I'm asking you to help me find him."
Sanan blinked."Y-You wish to take over the investigation?" Half a question, since she'd clearly stated her desire. Sanan had to stifle a laugh at the timing of her request.
Chizuru nodded."I'm tired of sitting on my hands and waiting and praying for a miracle. I know this change won't guarantee success, but I'd rather do something."
He understood her frustration. The desperation to become a participant in one's fate instead of a passenger dependent on the success of others and the mercy of potential gods. The wish to break out of the confines of a doll controlled by players or the leash of a dog trapped in a guilded cage. She wasn't a Fury, but she empathized with his and their plight.
An overwhelming feeling consumed him, similar to the feeling from that night when they spoke of jealousy. The hand that was stroking her hair stopped its ministrations and his arm wrapped around her shoulders and he drew her close. His lips pressed against her forehead, and she let out a gasp. She brought a hand to his chest, resting it over his heart. After he pulled away, although his arm was still around her, she stared at him with wide eyes and blushing cheeks.
He smirked."Consider that an answer to your question," he said smoothly.
Her blush deepened."A-Are you going to answer all of my questions that way?"
Smirk widening, he tugged her nearer to him, making her squeak."Do you want me to?" He asked, voice filled with false innocence.
"U-Umm," she stammered, her face now the color of a tomato."W-Well, I don't really mind." She squeaked upon realizing what she was saying. He feared his face would freeze due to how increasingly wide his smirk was becoming.
"Good to know," he said, tightening his embrace. His tone of voice was silky smooth."I'll keep that in mind."
Chizuru swallowed thickly."R-Right..."
She lowered her gaze, focusing on her palm which covered his heartbeat. He grasped her wrist, his fingers caressing her dorsum. She gazed at their hands for several seconds, then grinned at him."And if I, Inoue-san and Yamazaki-san visit you, then you won't have to feel so lonely and isolated here. Although Kimura-san is here too, so-"
"I think the interaction between he and I that you just witnessed sufficiently summarizes our relationship," Sanan said dryly. It would be awhile before Katamitsu could truly trust him, let alone respect and be friends with him.
Chizuru frowned."I'm sure he'll-"
Sanan snorted."I'm afraid not everyone has your capacity for mercy and forgiveness toward those that have wronged them."
Chizuru's frown grew and she bit her lip. She started to bow her head. Sanan used his fingers to lift her chin."That said, I do appreciate your undeserved support," he said.
She moved even closer, nearly pressing herself against him."Everyone deserves and needs support, especially you, Sanan-san."
He lightly poked her forehead with his index finger."You really are too kind for your own good. And too honest." He grinned and brought his hands into his sleeves."But those aren't bad qualities. When one is mostly surrounded by deception, this is a welcome change."
Chizuru hung her head and rubbed the back of her neck."Yes, I guess it would be," she mumbled.
Sanan was angry for her. Kodo had deceived the Shinsengumi over the course of months, but for Chizuru this deception was possibly lifelong. Yes, Kodo owed the two of them many answers, and Sanan was eager to have a word with the man. An honest, merciful, compassionate soul like Chizuru deserved so much better than the deceitful men controlling her life. For her and for his Furies, he would ensure that Kodo was found.
It was then that a deep ache filled his body. One hand flew to his tightening throat and the other to his chest where inside his lungs tightened and his heart began to race. His breathing quickened, and he staggered back. Spasms started attacking his body. Chizuru's horrified gasp and utterance of his name confirmed the worst: this was bloodlust.
No, he begged to any gods that would listen, please not now, not in front of her.
She was gaping at him as she stood frozen in place for a moment. Then she loudly uttered his name again and weakly reached out to him.
Taking a step back, he forced a smile with gritted teeth."D-Don't w-worry," he said shakily, trying not to cry out and collapse from agony."Have you a-any idea h-how many...times I've endured this?" She gasped a third time at the reminder that this was a regular occurrence and that this particular instance was merely the first time that she witnessed it.
He swallowed down his cries, determined to hold on until he got her to look away or leave the room. She shouldn't have to see this when she was already so worried for him. He'd caused her more than enough trouble.
"G-Go," he said gently, nothing like the growls and shouts when he uttered that word to Heisuke weeks ago."T-This will pass...soon."
The pain became too much, and he choked on a cry as he turned away from her and fell to his knees. He heard Chizuru's rapid footfalls and he was glad she listened to his commands...
Then he felt...warmth. One arm wrapped around him and soft fingers grasped the wrist of hand that was gripping his throat. Something warm and wet pressed against his back, making his clothes damp. Then he realized...those footfalls had been coming towards him, not away, and the door hadn't been opened/closed to indicate her exiting the room. She was kneeling behind him, embracing him as he suffered the pain.
"Y-Yuki...mura-kun?" He choked out."W-What..." He trailed off with a grunt.
She tightened her embrace and let out a small sob."I-I'm sorry. I wish I could do more to help." She was crying with her forehead pressed against his back.
Had she really stayed and watched/listened to his suffering just so she could offer him a little comfort? She truly was too kind for her own good.
Sanan groaned, knowing he was in too much agony to resist her efforts at consolation. And small as these comforts may be...he really did not want her to go. Just this once, maybe not insisting on enduring the pain alone wouldn't be such a bad idea...
For the next several minutes, they settled into silence, save for the occasional muffled sound of pain from Sanan.