Disclaimer: I do NOT own Hakuouki or anything related to it.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself."
— Epictetus
"I don't hate you."
Sanan froze in response to Katamitsu's voice. His pen hovered over the page of his book as he took a moment to register the statement; he'd been so caught in the rumination of his writing that he forgot everything else. He looked to the other Fury sitting close by with his back against a wall and his own notebook and pen on his lap.
They had gone outside to sit on the engawa and enjoy the fresh air while writing. Sanan was making additions to his research recordings and Katamitsu seemed to have adopted the habit of using a journal to help handle his emotions regarding his plight. They had been sitting in unusually comfortable silence for an hour up until this point.
After blinking thrice, Sanan put down his pen and inclined his head. Katamitsu crossed his arms and shifted slightly under Sanan's studious gaze. He seemed to have been staring intently at the colonel for a few minutes until the words had finally left his mouth.
Katamitsu let out a sigh, taking a second to glare at Sanan before regaining his previous expression."I do not forgive you, but...I can't condemn you to the same extent as Chief Kondou and Commander Hijikata. You're here suffering beside us, just as lonely and afraid as we are, you're facing the consequences of your sins and trying to atone, even if I don't believe you can atone. That's more than can be said for those two cowards."
That acknowledgment was more than Sanan dared hope for so soon into their awkward professional relationship. He instinctively felt suspicious, but to lie went against Katamitsu's personal code which he was very vocal about valuing.
That said, Sanan did instinctively defend his co-leaders."Watch how you speak of your superiors." The stern tone came to him naturally, something he could never drop even if he wanted to. Criticizing and insulting those men was his job, and it was as much for amusement as for lecturing. However, he would be lying if he denied feeling a small urge to be more caustic in his critiques lately.
Katamitsu scoffed."I'm officially dead. I don't answer to them." He raised an eyebrow."Or will my insubordination be punished with actual death or something worse?"
"Do not be ridiculous," Sanan snapped.
Katamitsu looked him dead in the eye, a glint of genuine sadness in his own eyes as he softly asked,"So you're absolutely certain they won't betray us more than they already have?"
"Kondou-san and Hijikata-kun have resisted the efforts of Matsumoto-sensei and others to stop the experiments-"
Again Katamitsu scoffed, now more wistful than caustic."Yet they refuse to check on us, because they don't trust us and fear us but they are too cowardly to eliminate the source of their fear. You've thought-no, you know that." He flicked his chin at Sanan."Hell, you've said as much to me."
Sanan automatically opened his mouth, only to close it as the truth of those statements settled into his brain. Sanan had ranted about his frustration with his plight, including how most of his comrades preferred to avoid the topic of the Furies, a problem unchanged even after Sanan consumed the serum, until Inoue finally noticed and got involved.
Sanan's own indignation and desire to protect his fellow Furies was indeed fueled by the fact that they got practically nothing from their allies. He wanted to maintain hope, but the natural cynicism was stronger. Not only was their neglect of the Fury Corps. painful, it was downright impractical. Hijikata used to frequently talk to Sanan, but those visits faded over time and the last time he came was merely to discuss Itou's "nightmares". He had expressed concern for Sanan, but barely hesitated to accept Sanan's factual reassurances.
Sanan would like to think of this whole situation as being left to his own devices, but there was a difference between that and being ignored. He prided himself on being the most logical one of his group, and his great logic knew what these circumstances implied.
Katamitsu's harsh words hit the nail on the coffin.
Sanan exhaled deeply."I cannot argue with you on this. But someone is checking on us now, so whether those two like it or not, they will be kept up to date."
Katamitsu inclined his head."At least the people doing the checking seem to care, both out of basic human decency and practicality, aka the traits I once primarily attributed to Chief Kondou and Commander Hijikata." He hummed thoughtfully whilst studying Sanan."And the traits you've been known to be a mixture of." With a roll of his eyes, he added,"I suppose there is some truth to that rumor."
Sanan snorted. A compliment? That was sooner than expected, and a greater one than he hoped for."Careful, Kimura-kun, else-wise I will think you are beginning to-" His words became a grunt as Katamitsu's hand shot out to grab his throat. Katamitsu had turned to his Fury form, narrowed red eyes glinting with only a little less malice than the last time he threatened his life. No, not a threat, a promise to make Sanan pay the consequences should he fail, which Sanan deserved and needed for motivation.
Sanan smirked."I'm glad you haven't forgotten your promise to kill me if I fail." Katamitsu's eyes narrowed further, and Sanan's smirk widened."When I drank the Water of Life, I knew I would end my suffering, be it through success or death, though I obviously preferred the former. The same applies here."
Katamitsu glared at him for another minute before releasing his chokehold. He returned his attention to his writing and nonchalantly remarked,"And that is precisely why I don't hate you anymore."
Sanan continued smirking at the increasing slow but sure progress he was making with Katamitsu, which he made sure to record in his notes.
"Your girlfriend is here," Katamitsu suddenly said. This time Sanan needed no time to think, immediately understanding what Katamitsu was talking about. He realized he could hear the sound of someone humming, a sound which grew louder as they neared this location. That was indeed Chizuru's voice, but why was she-
Wait. Katamitsu had called her...how had Sanan not noticed that right away?!
Sanan's eyes widened as he looked to Katamitsu, whose lips twitched though he refused to look up.
"Sanan-san? Kimura-san?" Chizuru called as she appeared from around the corner, giving them both a friendly smile. Katamitsu waved at her, his smile no longer a ghost. Once again, Sanan was as impressed as he was vexed by this spiteful young man's ability to beat him at his own mind/word games. He scowled at the younger Fury, then put on a smile for Chizuru as he closed his notebook and set it aside. It required his whole self-restraint not to throw the notebook at Katamitsu's head.
Chizuru quickened her pace, her hand already reaching for his, which he automatically responded to. As their fingers entwined, she placed her other hand over his and gave him a concerned look.
They hadn't spoken since his bloodlust attack the previous night had lasted for five minutes and it took another five minutes for him to recover and immediately afterwards Katamitsu returned with Inoue and Yamazaki. Sanan pretended that nothing happened, even as he felt Chizuru's gaze on him for the rest of the visit. Inoue was too focused on discussing the changes with Sanan to notice at the time. Yamazaki and Katamitsu seemed to suspect that something was amiss but did not reveal their suspicions. Sanan was torn between gratitude for Chizuru's concern/support and the cynical urge to sweep it under the rug.
Whether anyone liked it or not, the girl was getting involved in the affairs her father left behind, as much from a personal desire as practicality, and although he understood others wanting to protect her, she wasn't an infant and hiding reality from her was no longer an option, it was barely an option to begin with and a foolish one at that. She had enough men coddling her, regardless of intent, and he wasn't the coddling type anyway.
"You two are like a bad romance novel," Katamitsu said dryly, causing both of them to twist around, Sanan scowling while Chizuru widened her eyes and her cheeks reddened. Ignoring their reactions, he gave an exaggerated sigh, closed his book, and moved to go inside. He opened the door and grinned wryly over his shoulder."Nice seeing you again, Chizuru-san. Have a good night." Snickering, he went inside.
Chizuru blinked, more flabbergasted than embarrassed at being addressed by her given name along with that particular honorific."Huh?" Flabbergasted yes, embarrassed yes, not offended.
Sanan suppressed a pang of annoyance at hearing someone utter her name sans hesitation like it was natural to them even though Katamitsu had never before done so. It reminded him of the...jealousy from whenever he saw her interacting with Heisuke or Harada in a more intimate way than usual. Yet she was close to those two from the beginning; Katamitsu seemed to suddenly declare closeness, and Chizuru had apparent desire nor reason to deny him a bond.
Katamitsu was doing this on purpose. As if Sanan was not sufficiently vexed by how drawn he felt to the girl, he now had someone that made pestering him about it a favorite pastime. Katamitsu was among the few that could read Sanan like a book, and the necessity to spend time together due to their duties increased that issue. Sanan had best get used to the teasing as he was used to the mockery and insults.
He sighed. Not even Souji dared risk his wrath by vexing him to this level, but Katamitsu didn't care and knew how to use his circumstances to his advantage. If his mere games of mirth had Sanan this frustrated, he could only imagine how Katamitsu's intentions toward his other superiors would manifest in the future. Best to keep the lad away from Kondou and Hijikata for awhile, for everyone's physical and mental safety.
He heaved another sigh, and Chizuru moved closer to him. Resting his free hand on her head, he tapped his fingers on her scalp."Thank you for staying with me last night during...that." Normally, he was irked by someone pitying him or offering meaningless kind words/apologies. Yet he never felt those negative thoughts towards her, or at the very least it was mitigated. If anything, he worried about troubling her, a crime he was guilty of in multitudes.
She bit her lip."I wish I could have helped more."
Sanan bit his tongue to keep from flatly telling her not to stay during the bloodlust again. He may have self-control that other Furies lacked, but it was better to be safe than sorry, in case anything similar to the night he consumed the Water of Life occurred. With all the trouble he'd caused her recently, he wished to be as little of a threat and issue to her as possible. Of course, knowing her, she would protest his insistence that she avoid his bloodlust fits, so he had to have a backup to make her less likely to argue.
Thus, he smiled kindly and stated,"Well, once we officially restart searching for Kodo-san, you will have your chance to help. That way you won't have to needlessly trouble yourself for my sake."
Chizuru started to smile, then she frowned at his last sentence."It wasn't any trouble for me." She looked down briefly before looking back up to meet his gaze."You've never been a trouble for me, Sanan-san. I just didn't want you to endure that alone."
He hummed thoughtfully."I will not have to endure it forever if and when we find Kodo-san."
Eyes lighting up, she nodded firmly."Right!" He internally sighed in relief. Hopefully this would deter her from intervening during a future seizure. He appreciated her concern and her presence had been a small comfort last night, but not worth the risk. He wasn't in the business of sheltering someone, was mostly opposed to keeping all this a secret from her in the first place given the involvement of the man who raised her, but he also wasn't in the business of taking unnecessary risks. And her risking her own safety by being near him in the middle of a bloodlust seizure was a prime candidate for unneeded risks.
"Oh!" Chizuru jumped as if recalling something."I forgot to let you know earlier, I wrote to Iba-san asking him to come and help find Father."
Sanan blinked."Iba-kun?" That was half a surprise at least, since Iba seemed to remember Chizuru better than she did him, although given what she'd told Sanan of her almost constant isolation growing up, it was possible that Iba might indeed be able to help. All of that said, Sanan was not fond of the man. The lasttime Iba visited, he had agreed with Matsumoto about canceling the experiments without offering a solution, which was even more laughable given he directly reported to the shogun as a guard. Then there was Iba's obvious fondness for Chizuru despite her not remembering him, which bothered Sanan even more than her more intimate interactions with Heisuke or Harada...
He cursed mentally. The jealousy grew the more he thought of these things, and his frustration at himself grew along with it. He had no reason to be jealous, especially since whatever Harada, Heisuke, or Iba's flaws, they were nowhere near his level. He had no right to want Chizuru to spend more time with him than necessary, as recent events proved. Add in Katamitsu's teasing, and he wanted to explode sometimes from the vexation.
He needed to quell these emotions. The last time he allowed himself to care and be close to someone in a certain way...well, it could have ended much worse than it did but he still regretted that his arrogance and desperation for something more had caused an explosion of sorrow for both ends. But that was a long time ago, or might as well be given how much recent circumstances were affecting his psyche, and dwelling on it would make the pain of remembrance worse. He again reminded himself that that situation could have ended far worse and that what mattered now was avoiding a repeat of that here. So with that, he banished the memories to the back of his head...for now.
Returning focus to the present, Sanan nodded curtly."I suppose that is a good idea."
Chizuru bit her lip."I know the last time he was here-"
"If he can work through his disagreements regarding the Furies, so can I. None of us are children."
Chizuru gave a slow, genuine smile; a wordless gesture of thanks for cooperating. Not that it was necessary, as this was the bare minimum if they were going to succeed in their investigation. Once Iba arrived and they discussed their plans with Hijikata, the first thing Sanan wished to inquire into was Chizuru's childhood illness. Her health, though average now, was fragile for most of her early life. She'd been sensitive to injuries of any kind, rendering her unable to play as freely as others and spending most of her time alone or with her father save for rare occasional visitors that played with her a few times before leaving the "strange girl" alone. Add in a doctor's natural caution toward weapons and Kodo had, whatever his best intentions for his child might be, effectively turned Chizuru into a nervous, lonely wreck.
Her explanation of her old health issues were...intriguing. Kazama, and his cohorts accused the Shinsengumi of "turning humans into Demons", something Sanan and Chizuru agreed was a reference to the Furies. Kazama also claimed Kodo was on their side now, which had disgusted Sanan and disturbed Chizuru. Much as Sanan was willing to accept that explanation (because how else could someone like Kazama, who did not serve the shogunate, know about their experiments?), it did not change the fact that Kazama was an enemy and had every reason to lie. Kazama was strangely fixated on Chizuru, so it was possible he would say or do anything to convince her to join him. Then there was the claim that Chizuru...was not human. Supposedly, Kazama claimed he and his cohorts were not human either. That they were all Demons. That was not something Sanan ever discussed with Chizuru, but it was worth mentioning once they officially started their new task. For now, best that he gather all his thoughts on the matter.
Suddenly, a scream came from inside, making both of them jump. That scream...it was Katamitsu! Was it an episode of bloodlust?
Sanan kept one eye on the shoji and the other on Chizuru."Wait here," he said in a tone that brooked no argument. He released her hand and hurried inside afore she could think to protest. He almost damaged the shoji in his urgency.
As expected, Katamitsu was on his knees and clutching his head while crying out in agony. What Sanan did not expect, but he supposed in hindsight wasn't a big surprise, was the state of Katamitsu's room. The desk was upside down, the shelf turned over, pens and books were scattered over the floor.
When Katamitsu looked up at him, one red eye possessed the murderous glint every other Fury had whilst the other possessed a human desperation. Tears streamed down his cheeks, looking both ready to pounce and pleading for help.
Kneeling, Sanan kept a hand on his sword and reached his free one to place it on the younger Fury's shoulder. A spasm went through his body, making him cry out louder than ever.
"Kimura-kun," Sanan said."I know it will be little help, but if you need the medicine..." He trailed off, moving his hand to pat Katamitsu's head. He hesitated before firmly saying,"It is your body, you know it better than anyone else does. If you want the medicine or prefer to endure, there is no shame in either."
Especially given the state of the room, he refrained from adding.
Whimpering, Katamitsu shook his head."C-Can...endure..." He grabbed ahold of Sanan's wrist, squeezing so hard that his nails dug into the colonel's skin. He was clinging the same way he had when Sanan unchained him, a plea not to be left alone.
Sanan brushed Katamitsu's bangs from his forehead. He spoke softly and matter-of-factly,"You are one of the strongest people I know. You survived for years with us, you gave your life for the Chief, you carried the burden of others atop your own, you spent six months regaining your mind. You can endure this too."
Katamitsu slowly but surely began to relax the more Sanan spoke, his whimpers quieted, his spasms decreased, his hair regained its color, his eyes flickered between colors before he squeezed his eyelids shut for a moment then unclosed them to reveal dark blue eyes. He gave a deep inhale and exhale as the bloodlust episode finally finished.
Katamitsu's eyes fluttered between opening and closing for a few seconds, as did his mouth, before he let out a strained groan and collapsed. Sanan caught him and carefully lowered him to the floor.
"I'm sorry," Katamitsu murmured."I'm sorry..."
Sanan shushed him."You are fine. You are strong. You have naught to apologize for."
"I-I don't understand what happened," he stuttered."The bloodlust came, b-but it was...different. I knew what was happening but I...couldn't control myself. It was like...I was trapped inside my own body. I wanted to die all over again."
Sanan shook his head."You are wrong. I saw you struggling with both sides of your mind. Your sane side won out. You did not hurt yourself or anyone else." Not like Sanan himself had done to Chizuru that night...
"But my room-"
"Better objects be damaged than people," the colonel stated sternly."And the mess can be cleaned within hours. We did not expect this to be easy; as I said, we survived, so we adapt, we have faith. And we live." He tentatively added,"You are alive, and you are not alone."
Katamitsu did not respond, perhaps as much from tiredness as from feeling comforted. Sanan rested one hand on his head and the other on his shoulder."Everything will be fine," he assured."It will take time and effort, as any duty for a warrior does. But we will succeed."
Katamitsu released a soft exhale and mumbled something incomprehensible before his movements completely slowed. Sanan knew after two minutes that he had fallen asleep.
It was then that footsteps reached his ears, and he turned to see Chizuru approaching. She covered her mouth with both palms at the chaotic state of the room and clearly wanted to come closer to the two Furies, but was worried and unsure if she should.
Sanan smiled faintly."It is alright now. He was...overwhelmed by the changes in his body and mind. He will be fine when he wakes up."
Nodding, she knelt beside them."Is there anything I can do right now?"
"Get Inoue-san and Yamazaki-kun. This mess is not as bad as it could be, but-"
Chizuru shook her head."Inoue-san has night patrol tonight and Yamazaki-san is on a mission with Shimada-san." She touched his arm."I'm here, let me help."
"Yukimura-kun-"
"Please," she quietly implored."I'm good at cleaning. You can make sure Kimura-san stays alright and check on the other Furies." She tilted her had."If you're worried about me getting tired, I can just take a sick day tomorrow. Yamazaki-san will back me up once I explain what happened."
He conceded with a curt nod."Very well. Help me get Kimura-kun to the other room's futon."
Due to having lost a significant amount of weight during his six months in chains, Katamitsu was not very heavy, plus Sanan was accustomed to moving unconscious or dead bodies, and Chizuru had likely helped Kodo move indisposed patients through the clinic, so carrying him to Sanan's room and getting him to the futon was not difficult. Katamitsu was in as much of a dead sleep as the night following his freedom from chains.
Chizuru swiftly set to the task of cleaning Katamitsu's quarters. Nothing was broken, nor was there any blood, so it would be a small matter to pick up and reorganize the fallen items and then sweep up the dust and minor damages. Sanan was certain Katamitsu would be asleep for the rest of the night, so he left the lad to rest and the girl to clean while he checked on the other Furies.
He sighed deeply as he made his way to the area where the subjects were kept. He'd wanted to let Katamitsu visit them soon, yet what just happened made him nervous. Both himself and Katamitsu needed to be as close to sanity and calmness as possible in order to help their comrades, but with the bloodlust he knew they'd never be perfect and this could not be delayed forever.
The realization that Katamitsu spent so much time trying to get help haunted him in equal measure to him almost killing Chizuru. Of all the horrible mistakes he'd made and crimes he'd committed, these were the worst, because they hurt people he'd sworn to protect and support. Which was why he would put everything he had into the research and the investigation.
He was greeted by the familiar sounds of grunts and growls from the chained or caged (in some cases both) Furies. Not for the first time he wondered how many were truly savage and how many were struggling to reach out to him like Katamitsu. So far he'd seen nothing to indicate the latter, which unnerved and relieved him.
Although he kept records of every person who drank the serum, he only recognized a few of their faces when he conducted his checkups. He recognized Katamitsu after he'd regained his sanity and mostly because of the man's outstanding service in the past. He complained about how abandoned the Fury Corp. was by their superiors, yet he was not much better. Yes, he suffered alongside them, but that wasn't enough, he needed to know them too. Granted, a decent amount joined after he faked his death; however, they were still his people and he owed them as much as he owed his longtime comrades.
The first barred cell contained a trio of Furies, two of which were chained whilst the third was not. One rolled along the floor while groaning; the second sat in the corner writhing; the third lay next to the bars, wincing and growling occasionally yet otherwise was unresponsive. This was not the first time Sanan observed this despondent behavior, and every time he was uncertain what to think. So as usual he knelt and stared at that particular Fury through the bars. Confusing as it was to recognize each man's face, he was positive this man joined the Shinsengumi after he "died" and drank to avoid seppuku. Still he could not recall his name.
Noticing Sanan's gaze, the Fury weakly lifted its head and blinked. It seemed unsure if the attention it was getting was worth reacting to, like whatever remained of the man inside gave up on existing long ago. That thought upset Sanan more than he was willing to admit, and before he realized what he was doing he reached through the bars. The chained Furies started snarling and unsuccessfully trying to lunge, although the colonel's attention was not particularly focused on them. After a ten-second staring match, the Fury broke eye contact and lowered its head. Whatever Sanan was offering, it wanted none of it.
It possessed none of the fierce determination/desperation Katamitsu displayed, having the exact opposite reaction. Whereas Katamitsu suffered from vexation at the betrayals he'd suffered, this one lacked the will to feel anything. Somehow, that was worse than savagery.
But if whoever this Fury had been lacked the will to live, why did it decide to drink? All Sanan remembered of this one was that he had to choose between seppuku and death, so why did he drink? Pondering the possibilities now was not worth a headache, so he decided to keep a close eye on this one like he did for Katamitsu, which had eventually paid off.
Sanan gave a troubled sigh."Perhaps Kimura-kun will have better luck once he's ready." He stood and moved to check on the others.
"K-Kimura?"
Sanan froze. The way the Fury stuttered out the name indicated a strong familiarity with its owner. He slowly turned to see that the Fury was trying to sit and had the very slightest hint of hope in its eyes. Its voice was even more hoarse than Katamitsu's after a long time of disuse.
"Kata...mitsu...?" It mumbled.
Sanan knelt. This must be one of Katamitsu's friends."Kimura Katamitsu," he said."You know him?"
"Kata...mitsu." It was struggling to speak, but the familiarity in its tone grew.
Fighting the urge to smile hopefully, Sanan gripped the bars."He is asleep right now. He was...not feeling well. But if I bring him here tomorrow, will you..." He didn't even know what to ask, just hoping that the connection to Katamitsu would somehow ensure cooperation.
The Fury studied him for what felt like eternity, then finally gave a nod."Katamitsu...tomorrow?"
Sanan nodded faster than he meant to."Yes, I will bring him tomorrow." He tightened his grip on the bars."May I know your name?"
The Fury shook its head."Kata...mitsu...tomorrow." The Fury then rolled over so its back was facing Sanan.
"Very well," Sanan muttered."Tomorrow then."
Accepting that this was all he could achieve with this Fury tonight, Sanan moved on, trying to contain his excitement over this new potential development.