Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters in it.
V.
- Voices -
"Sakura, stop being a lazy ass and get up. I need help," Ino scolded from the other side of the room.
Yamanaka's household was a cozy place with small rooms, perhaps too small because before Ino was born her parents decided to break down the walls to three of them, creating a spacious mixture of a living room, dining room, and a kitchen. The laminated floor added a tinge of refinement and everyone that has been a guest to the Yamanaka family has felt a warm atmosphere and the constant floral scent that was up in the air. Until the death of Ino's father, of course. Ino and her mother didn't place a single flower anywhere in their house since then.
And that was the surprising part for Sakura as now the scent of wood intermingled with the one of the clematis and the winter jasmine. The fresh flowers rested in a glass vase not far from her as she had leaned her head on the hard surface of the table, eyes closed and almost... dreaming. She inhaled and exhaled slowly.
"Forehead. Wake up!" Ino went to her and clapped loudly. "What do you think you're doing, falling asleep on my table?"
"I..." Sakura mumbled, still sleepy.
"Get. Up. You promised to help me with the dinner."
"I know," Sakura moaned, slightly heaving up.
"You look disastrous," Ino was terrified of the view.
Sakura's hair was disheveled and the bags under her eyes were a visible bluish nuance. She squinted. "Did I fall asleep again?"
"Yes, you did."
"Sorry."
"You're repeating yourself," Ino sat next to her, pausing a bit, "...are you ill?"
"No, just... uh, it's complicated," Sakura rubbed her eyes. "I'm going to the bathroom, ok? I'll help you when I come back. Promise."
Ino raised a brow, following her friend with eyes as she stood up and left the room, faltering.
Sakura leaned back on the door and it closed with a click. She stood still but the silence was dense and intrusive, and she hated it. It allowed her doubts to emerge and start accusing her of being careless and naive. Their voice was almost heard and their image almost seen through the looking-glass in front of her. A matrix, a shade with her form that spoke with her voice and took advantage of her, having full knowledge of her thoughts and fears. Usually, it scolded her that everything happened because of her easily-bent will and soft nature. Or admonished her for an upcoming danger.
These obsessive thoughts will be the death of you, resounded within her head.
But she did what everyone would, trying to fix the problem. Doing everything in her power to preserve a life. What was so wrong with that? Sakura went to the sink and washed her face with cold water, brushing her hair backward.
"You want an aspirin or something?" She heard Ino's muffled voice from outside as she wiped her face with the small towel in her right.
"That'd be great," Sakura replied loudly, hurrying to leave the bathroom and moving to the kitchen side. It felt as if her own reflection haunted her, judging everything she did and everything she thought of.
"Here, have this," Ino handed her a glass of water and a white pill. "Will help you to not fall asleep for the better part of the evening."
"Thanks." Sakura swallowed the pill and waited a few seconds until she finally came to her senses. "What are we cooking, again?"
"Cheese Spaetzle."
"Tofu?" Sakura noticed the suspiciously-looking white block in one of the small plates on the countertop.
"Yeah. Sai loves it, " Ino fixed her rolled-up sleeves and took on with cutting onion rings and checking on the boiling noodles. "You can crumb the cashews for the sauce."
"On it," Sakura washed her glass and grabbed another cutting board. "Can I ask a question?"
"Why am I cooking for someone whom I met a week ago?" Ino forestalled, glancing up at her.
"Not your style."
"I had a little talk with Tenten when you were with your parents. Remember her?"
"Yeah," Sakura pressed her knife on the nuts, cracking them into small pieces.
"She told me about how they've acquired Sai in the group," Ino paused, her voice becoming quieter. "He's actually their newest addition."
She remained silent and Sakura raised a brow. Ino has never been so... careful. Usually, she'd either brag about her newest boyfriend or joke about the last one she had ditched, for weeks. Now, she took a sharp breath, wiping the corner of her eye inconveniently.
"You alright?" Sakura leaned, trying to get a better view of her friend's face.
"Ah, yeah," Ino forced laughter. "I hate cutting onions."
Sakura chose to play dumb and looked down at her knife. "I assume he's an orphan. Like most of them."
"She said that they've found him brainwashed. That until this day he doesn't know his real name, whether he has a family or where he's coming from."
Sakura turned to look at Ino for a moment.
"She said he barely spoke at the beginning. Anyway, it seems there's permanent damage to the brain because it took him a while to recreate emotions again. She warned me to ignore some of his remarks too."
"I see. That thing he said to me at the hospital—"
"—it's not," Ino interrupted, defensively, "like he has no filter. It's rather a lack of understanding."
"You're telling me... he's a sociopath of sorts?" Sakura asked, a ghost of a smile upon her lips. "Ino, in love with a sociopath. Didn't see that coming."
"Don't say it like it's wrong!" Ino blushed.
"It kind of is," Sakura teased.
"He just needs time."
"And you have the nerves?"
"I think I do." Ino poured out the water from the noodle pot. "I don't know what happened to me, really. It's hilarious, he makes up all these compliments, without meaning them most of the time, just to see my reaction."
"You two are weird," Sakura laughed. "By the way, where's your mother?"
"She's probably in the shop, dressing the shop windows. Or rather cleaning them. She did say she'll be late today."
"Shame that I might not be able to see her, then. Send my regards."
"I will."
They both heard the front door opening and Ino dashed out of the room at lightning speed. Sakura stepped back so that she could have a good view of the corridor, a smile appearing on her lips as she witnessed Ino almost bumping into Sai, her hands on his neck.
"What took you so long?" Ino squeezed him, standing on her tiptoes.
"Had some problems with an old lady," Sai announced, reacting unnaturally passive at her affectionate hug.
"Seriously?" Ino snorted, turning to look into his eyes. "What'd you do?"
"She tried to jump the queue and get ahead but I didn't let her."
"What?" Ino burst out laughing. "I assume everyone else did."
"Yes."
"You're adorable," she mumbled and leaned in, their noses touching.
That way of thinking led you to this self-destructive behavior.
Sakura startled, the sentence echoing in her ears as if whispered. That voice again. And that subject. Again. She thought she had escaped it, occupying her mind with other things but... it still lingered inside of her and spread like a disease, giving her no peace.
What is that supposed to mean anyway? She only wanted to help. She waited and waited, staying awake and vigilant throughout the whole night because... she knew he did the same. That wasn't self-destructive behavior, it was empathy. He had her number for twenty hours now and if he had decided to change his mind, her number was the shortcut to proclaim it. Needless to say, there was no call from him since she gave him her business card yesterday. Sakura averted her gaze from Ino and Sai as if stung and returned to making the cheese sauce.
Was it really empathy? It actually looked more like insanity, dressed up as empathy. Going so far for a patient... she had never done such a thing. Risking her life twice within five days was completely new to her.
Look what you're doing to yourself. It's becoming pathetic.
She raised her eyes to the reflection on the dim glass that covered all of the kitchen shelves. She stared at the one that hung on her level. The shadow she cast only deepened the dark circles under her eyes and her skin looked unnaturally pale and wan. It didn't matter... because she didn't care, not at all. Her eyes dropped down, brows wrinkling. If he suffered, she would too. How else was she to feel the same, understand the darkness he seemed to be used to? It didn't mean she had to become like him, it meant that in order to find the answers she had to... get a taste.
"Come over and sit. We're almost ready with the dinner." Ino pushed him to a chair and forced him to sit there, which was an amusing sight. Sakura observed them in the reflection of the glass.
Where's your dignity? You can't save everyone and you know it.
Sakura put the cashew in a cup and put the almond milk in it. What, then? If everyone thought about saving only themselves where would the world be now? Dead and gone, for sure. If the cause was noble, why not sacrifice in its name? Problem was, she had a lot to lose and a lot she held dear to just jump in to fight on the front line.
"Are you done?" Ino snapped her out of her reverie, hinting at the mixture in the cup in front of them.
"Just a second," Sakura murmured, rummaging in the shelves for a certain kitchen herb.
"Hello, punk," Sai greeted in his turn and she slowly turned around, her face twisted into a grimace of anger and her hands squeezing the countertop to the point of breaking when Ino touched her shoulder.
"Pass me the pepper."
Sakura looked at her for a second, getting the message.
"Hello," a tormented reply wrested out of Sakura. "Nice to see you again."
Not before giving the pepper to Ino, she returned to her previous activity and soon found the turmeric, painting her white sauce in rich orange. Ino took care of the rest and pushed her out of the kitchen corner.
"So. Sai, right?" Sakura intertwined her hands together as she sat beside him on the table. The aroma of the flowers was still strong but now that Ino's specialty was in the oven the air became heavy with all the ingredients' extra touch.
"As far as I know, yes," he gave her a wide smile but the sensation was, mildly said, horrific because the smile was perfect but his eyes remained the same cold stone as before.
Sakura nodded slowly.
"Alright," she paused, forcing herself to continue what seemed to be something strangely close to a conversation. "You two get along, I see."
"Eh," Ino intervened with a wave of her hand. "If you say so."
Sai had fixed his eyes on Ino, giving the impression that he wasn't blinking at all.
"Is it tough, being a soldier?" Sakura gathered the courage to speak again.
"Depends on the mission," Sai looked back at her. "It's not unbearable. But there are times in which you want to give up on everything. And just go home... if you have one."
Sakura held his gaze for a second before averting. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked."
"It's ok. You can ask whatever you want. If Ino trusts you, I will too."
Sakura smiled at him. Finally, someone put her trust in her despite her outer appearance.
"Glad to know that."
Leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone...
It stung her, stealing her happiness away in an instant. The phrase repeated over and over again like a broken gramophone record in her mind. Meaning? Leave him to die, is what it said. Leave him to his own stupidity and arrogance. Let them both ravage his body and soul until it's too late for him to reverse it. Everyone had free will and he already decided what to do with his life, didn't he? He had chosen a path and that is where it ended. It had nothing to do with her.
"It's almost ready. Can someone help me put some dishes and cutlery?" Ino announced and Sai stood up, ready to help her. "Sakura, you want some red wine?"
Sakura turned to look at her absently.
"Are you even listening to me, forehead?" Ino raised a brow, putting a hand on her hip.
"Yes. I'd love a glass of wine."
As soon as everything was ready, the three of them sat and enjoyed the dinner. Sakura found it easier to keep up with the conversation when it was redirected to arts. Seemed like Sai was a skilled artist although he didn't remember someone teaching him how to do it. Drawing was a passion for him and it was one of the few things that made him feel somehow useful and an individuality, since he had lost his sense of it long ago. The long conversation didn't mean that she had forgotten, though. That voice haunted her, still, attacking at the moments when she least expected. At moments she thought she had escaped the problem. But she hadn't, shaking it off was not as simple as shaking the dust off her clothes. The solution her conscience tried to reach on its own and struggled to convince her it was the right one didn't leave her alone.
She wanted an escape from the war that started with the sound of a slammed door, but neither alcohol nor distracting conversations helped. One thing bothered her over all the rest.
You have no right to intervene.
She... was a doctor. A fact. Intervening in the course of events was what she did. Even if there was such a thing as fate or God, it surely had it all planned out. And maybe she stood in the way of that plan by trying to save a life that should have been lost. Perhaps she was wrong, in the end. Perhaps he had... to die.
"You are very beautiful today," Sai turned to Ino and she gave him a pointed look.
"What's wrong? Don't try to appease me, I know what you're doing."
Sai looked down at the table, thinking.
"Don't prepare the tofu that way anymore. It's disgusting."
Sakura waited for Ino to get mad but instead, she laughed out loud. "I was just thinking the exact same thing."
"You did?" Sai asked, observing her reaction without moving.
"I..." she started, stealing a glance at Sakura who also stood still with the fork in her hand and at a loss how good of an actress Ino has become, "...am a terrible cook. You have to get over it."
"But I loved your spaghetti yesterday," Sai tilted his head. "I can eat spaghetti every day."
Ino suddenly blushed profusely, turning to look at him. It was either because he had a thing for her, Sakura thought, or that was just the way his mind worked but his blunt comments did have a bright side, however impossible that sounded. Whatever he said, whether good or bad, was hundred percent true because he meant it. Ino's reaction hinted that she had comprehended that and it touched her deeply. Overall, communicating with that man frighteningly much resembled walking through a minefield.
"Be grateful I didn't make a dessert," Ino murmured and this time Sakura was the one to start laughing, soon followed by the two of them. But a strange sound interrupted, calming them down quickly. Sakura's phone was ringing.
Her heart fell into a leaping rhythm and she desperately rushed to the bag she left on the sofa; she quickly found the phone. "Excuse me," Sakura snapped, dashing out of the room without even bothering to look at Ino or Sai who stood on the table and observed in confusion. She locked herself in the bathroom, picking up the unknown number as her shoulder leaned against the door. A continuous silence was all she heard at first.
Her eyes went to and fro. "Are you there?" There was no reply after a whole minute and it worried her. "...don't hang up," Sakura pleaded quietly, leaning her head on the door. "Is it bad? Should I come?"
A quiet huff reached her ears and she furrowed, realizing the ridiculousness of that offer. Perhaps she wasn't in her right mind, after all. After a gun at the neck, the normal reaction was moving to another city. Not a pressing desire to go back to the source of danger, for sure. He called, though... what a wonder.
But then the conversation ended abruptly and she lowered her phone, staring at it.
What happened in his mind? It's been more than six days, the convulsions must've started. Heavier poisons practically disintegrated cells, ravaging muscle tissue like cancer but while cancer destroyed gradually for years, heavy metal poisons destroyed within a week or so. She feared it'll cause serious or permanent damage at this point. Unbelievable. What kind of a masochist would do this to himself? Sakura blew out her cheeks, opening the door sharply.
"Who was it?" Ino sipped from her glass with red wine as she saw her approaching.
Sakura sat slowly, looking down at her plate.
"Oh." Ino placed her glass down, glancing at Sai.
"Is he still determined to die?" Sai asked, chewing on a morsel.
Sakura raised her eyes to him, remaining silent.
"You still chasing after that idiot? Just let him be. Indulging his whims doesn't make him hate life any less. Maybe he doesn't want your help and you're just being irritating, did you think of that?"
Ino nearly choked on her food but all Sakura did was look at him, a feeling of pity filling her as the corners of her mouth curved into a smile. "And you call yourself an Elite Soldier? People are supposed to trust you with their lives?" she asked, quietly. "Don't answer. Ino," her eyes shifted to her friend. "I think I want to go home now. Thank you for inviting me, it was a nice change. I'll call you."
"Sakura, wait! We just started," Ino stood up from her chair but her friend was walking out of the house.
Silence. Finally. There was this strange ache in all of her muscles and she assumed it was autumn fatigue. Or... she had just caught a cold. That day, walking in the rain, she must've triggered something of the sort. At least the symptoms suggested so. Her head hurt for hours now, she was way more tired than she usually was after work.
Sakura crawled under the soft sheets of her bed and fixed her pillows so that she could read comfortably. With only her bedside reading lamp her apartment appeared cozier than it was in the daylight. Now the mess of her clothes and papers wasn't that visible. Goodness, she had to find the time to tidy up a bit. Chaos or not, she was still in love with these two small rooms that represented her life in the past year. She wouldn't give it away for the world.
A deep sigh escaped her lips as she relaxed back and closed her eyes for a moment.
Too tired to read, she concluded and reached for the switch of her lamp, turning it off. The alarm was set, too, so there was nothing she had missed. Sakura wrapped herself in the sheets and the floral scent of her shampoo filled her nostrils, helping her drift away in a peaceful— Her eyes opened with the startling sound of a police alarm that turned on not far from her apartment, probably a house or two away. The blue and red lights colored her window like a facet play. The alarm quickly faded away but it shocked her nevertheless, leaving her heart beating faster.
She exhaled in exasperation and turned her back on the window, attempting to relax anew. But it wasn't meant for her to sleep that night, apparently, because her phone rang out and she groaned, grabbing it sharply from the bedside cabinet. "What?" she snapped, picking up and glaring at the ceiling.
A second, then another... and another. Nothing.
"Hello?"
Suddenly the lack of response enraged her like never before. Calling her in the middle of the night for nothing. Not being able to sleep well in the last three days was driving her insane anyway, now this. She heaved up to a sitting position, grasping at her sheets and fed up with everything. "Listen, I'm tired. I don't care if you're masochistic or just seeking attention, I'm going to tell you this straight. If you die, half of the city is in trouble. So stop it and let me help you. Pick yourself another day to die, alright?"
A moment of silence followed and she almost hung up when he finally spoke, hoarsely. "I'll leave the door unlocked."
That was how the conversation ended, of course. Sakura didn't expect anything else. She relaxed back on her pillow. Damn, took him long enough. She looked at her phone for a second, in thought, and not after long decided on dialing up another number.
"I'm sure he didn't mean it!" Ino said at the moment when she picked up.
"Leave that aside. I have another favor to ask."
"Another?" Ino paused. "Is the outcome worth my sacrifices?"
"You bet it is. He allowed me to go and see him."
"What!? Really? When? Do you plan to go?"
"Well... it seems I'll have to skip the sleep again. I'm going to the hospital to steal some bottled antidote and a needle. If I remember correctly, that there's some antidote left from my last research sessions in store."
"You're absolutely mad! Now? It's, like, almost 2 am. I thought you were already asleep."
"It's now or never."
"Wait for a second! What if he tries to kill you again? You don't know how the poison has twisted his mind." Ino made a pause. "It's... it's dangerous."
"Honestly, Ino... I don't even care anymore," Sakura leaned back to switch the light on and uncovered from the sheets slowly. "I just want to get over with it."
"What about your life, forehead?" Ino fumed in the speaker. "What about the favor you mentioned?"
Sakura stopped, completely still for a moment. Then went to her coat and pulled out a note.
"Yes. Should I not come to work tomorrow I'm either dead or... something of the sort," Sakura furrowed. "So make sure you call an ambulance to the address I'll send you."
"This is not even funny."
"Look at it from the bright side. Even if I'm dead, they'll take him back to the hospital by force."
"Sakura!" Ino marveled but her friend had already hung up.
A/N: Thanks for reading, once again, fellow Earthlings and hope you're having a great day. Here's my latest update and hope you liked it. On this one, I decided to include Inner Sakura but (being in a RL AU) disguised as her conscience, torturing her a bit, questioning her what is right and what wrong and trying to cope with a decision that's somehow against her convictions. There's a majority of SasuSaku in chapter 6, stay tuned.