Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters in it.
XXVII.
- Almost –
"Oh, come on, eat the damn steak," Ino made a wry face, eyes bouncing up and down Sai's face and fork as he carefully nudged the piece of meat on his plate. "It's not cooked by me."
Sakura observed the scene with even indifference. Nothing shifted inside her mind or body. They were frozen in time, cast on a desolate island, switched off by higher power she couldn't reach and negotiate with. She knew there was no point in asking the notorious question Why? but still, that was the only thing that rang out in the endless waste of her ruinous sorrow. Why?
Why did he have to leave? Why did she have to fall? Why did she feel like she could cut through her skin with that fancy knife on that fancy tablecloth in this unnerving, hollow restaurant and feel nothing? Why did she still drown after so many days, so many hours? Why did she hate the sound of every single voice that reached her ears lately?
She craved only one but it was lost to her forever. Instead, she got another. A man she hadn't even talked to until now sat next to her and tried to win her affection throughout the whole night, despite that she was stone cold and never once looked him in the eyes. Sakura hurried to brush her napkin against the corners of her eyes in a slight, supple motion that wouldn't attract suspicion. At least she hoped it won't.
"Do you want my glass of wine?" Lee offered, making her flinch a bit. He winked at her as he leaned in and continued in a whisper, "Think you need it more than I do." Then he poured the red liquid in his stemmed glass to the empty one of Sakura's.
She watched as he did it, then looked up to his face, now lit up with enthusiasm. That was perhaps the first time in hours she had noticed him, he surely considered it a breakthrough. There was nothing attractive to her in that man, he was pushy and sometimes inconsiderate. He was generally kind, but not kind enough to jump over the brick walls she built around her heart.
Too open, too naïve for her. She couldn't find in him the thing she sought in every pair of eyes. That look only Sasuke had once given her when she was bare in front of his unrelenting eyes. Like she was the finest art, and he thought he ruined it with his touch but couldn't stay away from it nevertheless.
Sakura gave Lee a small smile and drained the wine from her glass. She couldn't stand the noise anymore. Ino somehow managed to drag her out of her apartment and form a double date, but Sai's horrendous behavior only amused Ino and Ino only. Pretending that she wanted to be on that table with those people was a terrible lie. The act tired her out.
"What are you doing?" Sai asked, head up to follow Sakura's rising form.
"I'm really tired, I just wanna go sleep," Sakura explained matter-of-factly, putting down the money for her own dish. Her gaze stilled evanescently on the white tag of an unopened prescription bottle at the bottom of her small bag. She forgot she put it there the last time she went out. It made her smile a little, knowing that she carried it around with her at all times.
The metallic button of her clutch clicked shut and she met Ino's worried gaze. Whatever she said or did was not going to be enough. They spoke a few times before, remained silent a couple of times too. Ino even came to her house and took care of her when she dropped ill for a few days. The grief was like a new type of fever Sakura never knew existed. Brought her down and tossed her sideways like she was a feather in the wind.
Ino said nothing, but Lee stood up with a single sharp movement.
"I can send you off."
"No need," Sakura announced with a wave of her hand.
He followed her between the tables anyway. He insisted, she had no willpower to argue. The deal she managed was only to the end of the block and you go back to watch over those two. Fair enough, he said and they trailed off the darkness of the street. Konoha was still the militarized clink she was used to seeing, but now it seemed emptier and darker. Dry and cold, as winters in Konoha have always been. And that was alright, she needed the coldness to keep her sane and the razor wind to keep her on the surface.
When she said she'd pay whatever price to redeem him, she didn't think she'd have to gather herself piece by piece from the ground. She imagined everything but this. She felt like her heart was bleeding and she couldn't patch it up and was scared this feeling will never go away. Lee talked to her throughout their short walk, talked to her with excitement, and struggled to intrigue her but the only thing inside her was her pity for him. He did not have the power to bring a hollow back to life.
"Thanks for sending me off," Sakura cut through his flow of words, in the middle of his last sentence and he silenced, nailing in place as she did. It was the corner of a crossroad, next to a traffic light. Lee furrowed for a moment, then shrugged and restored the smile on his face. At least he was quick to understand the context. Sakura's remark was harsh enough. He nodded at her and walked back to the restaurant, hand in his pockets. Strange, she didn't even feel remorse. She felt nothing.
Dusk was quickly covering the city as dark grey clouds shifted over her head. She heard the sounds of thunder in the skies from afar an hour ago and it seems the rain was shifting over Konoha, soon about to drop. It hadn't rained in a month anyway. She swore she loved rain once, but after all the newest memories she created with it, it transformed into a curse. Every raindrop was a dagger in her chest, every thunder a merciless blow.
Sakura leaned on the metal pole and looked up. She was stuck at the center of this dark, empty crossroad. Nobody told her she'd end up there. She made a step, down on the asphalt, then another. What if she didn't want to continue? What if she remained there forever, stuck in the middle? Wouldn't be that bad. If it meant she wouldn't take any more losses. Nothing wrong with giving up, right? Not everyone was strong enough to face the reality of their situation. Sometimes you need to quit, turn off, shut down. Sometimes you wish you're turned off forever.
The highlights of an approaching car refocused her wandering gaze. Her first thought was to not move from her place and so she did. The car slowed down to a stop, right in front of her. Sakura squinted at the blinding light for a while, the low purr of the engine echoing in the silence. Whoever was in that car, they didn't plan on surrounding her. She didn't want to move either.
The door clicked open with a smooth arc and a familiar silhouette neared her. It took her a few seconds to recognize that slightly stooping posture.
Kakashi bent a bit more to find her irresponsive, lusterless eyes and peered into them, now lit up artificially by the car's lights. She wondered if she looked like one of those creepy dolls she had as a little girl. Did she scare him? Her whole body was like a big house with many rooms that she used to visit once, but now only the ceiling of her mind flickered alive and sustained her. All her motions were on autopilot.
She looked at Kakashi, the deep violet circles around his visible eyes, the sorrowful air he always had around him. He was concerned, she could tell. Afraid, even. Don't bother worrying about me, she wanted to say but she was too tired to speak. Kakashi took her hand and led her to the car. Of course, he couldn't leave her out on the streets. She probably had to decline this gesture of care but… another sleepless night awaited her at home and he offered some change.
The car set off without them uttering a single word.
Sakura didn't follow the road, too busy meandering in her thoughts. Kakashi. Proudly standing after another death in his life. How, in the burning hell, did he manage? She glanced over to him as he drove, tranquility on his features. How was it possible to learn how to grieve without it destroying you? The man next to her was the ultimate mystery. Perhaps grieving was the reason he was so layered in clothes and silences.
Was that what she will become in the future? Was she looking at her future self? Indifferent, even, half-shell of a person with half-emotions; never fully sad, never fully happy; always walking on the thin thread between life and death. Sometimes succumbing to the darkness and sometimes, on rare occasions, gaining the strength to peer beyond it.
"Can you breathe properly with that mask?" Sakura blurted out the thought when she noticed he was intrigued by her prolonged observation.
He thought for a while before answering.
"It takes getting used to."
"Thought you'd say that," Sakura scoffed, turning aside to trace the line of lonely street lamps. She liked hearing his voice, it was simultaneously soothing and young. And so vast. She could listen to it for hours.
Sakura didn't ask where he led her. They soon arrived in front of an odd-looking, tall edifice with open square porches on levels only reached through sets of stairs and a solid metal railing to support them. It was nearly six in the afternoon and the winter sun had disappeared behind the horizon long ago so now all she could discern was outlines of the different apartments.
Kakashi parked the car in the narrow alley and as she was leaving the car she thought she's never seen that part of the city. That was way farther than her neighborhood but didn't seem to be prettier or richer than hers. It calmed her down a bit. She expected fancy estates… turned out her captain was really hard to read.
She followed him, climbing up the outer stairway. Small whiffs of ice-cold air grazed her skin and she shuddered, shrinking into her dark coat. At last, Kakashi ushered her into an apartment that obviously belonged to him, with everything neatly tucked in its place the same way it was not long ago when she visited his tent, at the base.
"It's been weeks. You don't have to wear black all the time, you know," Kakashi spoke first, walking straight to his kitchen and tossing his keys on the nearest shelf.
The lamp was on whenthey entered and Sakura took a few seconds to adjust her eyes to the sudden light. The apartment was comparatively spacious, thanks to the interior trick: bedroom and living room were combined into one, with an outlet to a compact balcony. She noticed the kitchen was small but separated as well as two more rooms, down a corridor to her left.
"I don't feel like wearing anything else," Sakura pondered, her feet dragging her to the glass door across, removing her coat and leaving it on one of the armchairs she passed by. She had seen that kind of hostels; every level was the same, had the same size, the same balcony, and a way up to the roof through the stairs.
It wasn't that she wore black because she mourned, it was because he wore it all the time. She needed to have the color against her skin so that she doesn't forget the feeling of it.
Kakashi returned, handing her a half-empty glass. The strong scent of spirit touched her nostrils but she welcomed it, raising it to satiate the burning dryness on her throat. She felt Kakashi was staring at her from behind but she didn't turn, swallowing the contents of the glass and grimacing at the stinging sensations that went through her afterward.
The silence was so thick that they both could hear the distant howling of the wind that slid through cracks and searched for a way to breach through the sealed door. Mirthless scenery was set on the other side, with no stars on the midnight blue above. Five weeks, two days, and nineteen hours. She counted the days and hours like some addict in withdrawal. What was left for her to do anyway?
With a heavy sigh, she tore her gaze away from the glass and shifted back to the kitchen, looking around to make sure she was going the right way. The apartment was nice… even cozy in a way, she had to admit. She could live in such a place.
Her fingers carefully placed the empty glass at the corner of the table and her eyes trailed over the kitchen's furniture. Looked like he rarely spent time at home. She couldn't think of any other reason to have everything in such order. No man was that neat. Nevertheless, the military life twisted some beyond recognition and Kakashi was a classic case. It looked a little lonely, a little... abandoned. It made her think about the kitchen in the Uchiha household for a moment. It was in dire need of a homely, domestic touch. It was missing a feminine element.
She knew why Kakashi didn't call the first week, didn't tell anyone where he was. It was to be expected that he would internalize his pain and suffer on his own. Maybe that's what he always did. And maybe that's not what he used to do when he was younger, when he hadn't lost all too much yet. The slow footsteps caught her attention and she turned around to find Kakashi walking to her. Curious. He had taken down the mask and now it seemed like a completely different person stood before her. His soft features were ever so pleasant to her. Always tired, always melancholic and always warm.
She thought he wouldn't stop at all, but he did and she had to slightly lean backward. He was a few inches away, peering into her eyes with no readable emotion. As if there was nothing changed between them during those weeks.
But in fact, everything had.
She noticed him following her with his car once in a while when she went out, and it didn't bother her, he did it because he cared and because he knew she could do something stupid. He knew that she didn't trust herself. It wasn't the first time she strayed the streets, inebriated and lost. After the first week, he called her. At nights. Forced her to talk to him. He didn't leave her alone with her demons and she appreciated it but everything looked like a set-up, a rehearsal. Perhaps he prepared her mentally for what he was about to do now.
He was in a t-shirt and his skin radiated a warm glow that enveloped her pleasantly. The closeness was, by all criteria, intrusive but she wasn't feeling attacked. With the tactfulness, a core of his very nature, he gave her the time to make a choice, while she submerged in the calm silence she always seemed to dive into when she was around him. A timeless, sorrowful sea that held no anger or hatred or frustration. The kind of place she needed so badly in her life right now. For once, she wanted someone to save her, take care of her without bothering to ask if she wants to be saved.
Kakashi stepped up, his knee slipping between hers and lifting her thigh up as he pressed her backward. Sakura leaned her palms on the table when she found herself sitting on it, her legs slightly spread apart. The angle was strange until Kakashi didn't press her further and her back almost touched the surface, the rim of her dress wrinkled up.
Sakura wasn't breathing, still with tension. She noticed Kakashi's control slowly sweeping as his eyes skimmed over her form and hands languidly pulled the elastic fabric on her up to reveal something that made him pause his every motion. Sakura kept staring at him while his surprise lasted. Her lingerie, too, was black.
"Go ahead," she said, to encourage him, but the view had altered Kakashi's mood entirely. It was all over his face. He battled a swirl of emotions within those seconds, then looked up to her eyes, with a renewed calmness.
"I don't care you'll imagine it's him," he leaned in, breathing in the pleasant aroma of the perfume on her neck.
Sakura wanted to smile. Because it was fair. Because he'd imagine another too. Brown hair, haunting hazel eyes, dark lips. The girl from that photo was beautiful but nothing like herself. Kakashi laid her on the table completely and removed her dress with a slow pull over her head. Her lips parted open at the sensation of his warm tongue licking and kissing the sensitive spot under her ear. His fingers traced the curve of her waist with a single, artful movement and tugged at the black lace of her lower piece, pulling it down.
He moved to her mouth and pressed himself closer, eager to hear more of the loud sighs she let out every time he touched and pecked her skin. Sakura wasn't sure if she had enough alcohol to do that. Dismay filled her heart now, that her passive behavior hurt Kakashi grandly, that she couldn't reply with the same passion, that she did not desire out of love, but out of selfishness.
Sakura told herself she did that because the instinct of self-preservation called her, that she was in desperate need of an escape from that painful cul-de-sac. The strong character she kept collapsed down with a loud rumble and now fear overwhelmed her. Was Kakashi able to help discard all that madness? She doubted it. But she could help him and that was a nice cause. She could try… to at least return the affection as if it's truly there. For all that he did for her, out of gratitude. And for all the desperation in his touch.
Her hands lifted up to his neck and she replied to his kiss, at last. He stopped and heaved up to look at her in the eyes with surprise. With a tight throat, she was certain that her voice will break off if she tries to speak so she just shrugged, looking up at him. She gave up on the fight.
Kakashi was relieved to see her yield and decided to continue kissing her for the moment, this time reaching for her back, to the clutch of her bra. Sakura absently tried to find the buckle of his belt, skimming her tips down his chest until she found it. He just unhooked one clasp when ringing of a phone startled them. A tormented sigh came out of Kakashi as he slowly detached from Sakura and pulled out his phone, picking up.
"Yes?" he snapped, eyes nailed down at the tiled floor.
A long pause followed, ceased only by affirmative and negative answers from Kakashi and Sakura went up to a sitting position as she waited. Something bothered her. Kakashi's face became paler and paler with every second and a furrow formed on her face. She gathered her dress and pressed it to her chest, to cover herself. She prayed it's not anything crucial. Neither of them could take one more concussions. By the looks of it, the matters were serious.
"What did you say?" Kakashi raised his eyes to Sakura's, filled with pure bewilderment.
What is it? Sakura mouthed, now deeply concerned.
"Is what you're telling me the absolute truth?" Kakashi demanded, almost angry. "Why am I the last to know about this? It's been..." he silenced, still gazing at Sakura. "I don't care. Call Amegakure's PD, tell them to contact me. I'll fly there tomorrow."
Sakura was at a loss. Those words revealed nothing to her. Were they sent on another mission?
"I'll get permission, yes," Kakashi scoffed and hung up, squeezing the phone in his fist with unnecessary strength.
The pause prolonged and Sakura couldn't decide what the exact emotion Kakashi had fallen into was. He appeared frustrated and furious but amused in a way. She slid from the table and walked to him at a slow pace, peering into his eyes. Was it bad news? Her expression questioned.
"He's alive," Kakashi announced, a small smile twisting the sadness that gripped him from the second he hung up.
Sakura stood frozen in front of him, her mind refusing to make any sort of connection. "Who's alive?"
"Sasuke," Kakashi sighed. "Imprisoned but alive. Seems like he needed hospitalization, but they decided he could get it in a prison too, away from society. And away from any form of media."
Sakura exhaled and inhaled, careful and slow. Repeated Kakashi's words all a few times before her eyes started to water and she was forced to use her dress to cover her face and the tears on it. God, she could breathe freely again. The heaviness in her chest started to lift and instead, joy threatened to strike her down with its suddenness. Was she dreaming? The happiness faded in an instant when she realized she still stood in Kakashi's kitchen, almost naked.
What was she going to say now?
She slid down her dress and the very sight of him, standing there and watching her without a trace of what truly happened inside his heart, devastated her. She could only guess what pains rented through him. And yet he stood there, calm and collected, with the desire still burning in his eyes.
"Well," he said, ignoring her eyes.
A blush crept to her cheeks when she realized she stood in front of him only with her lingerie on and hurried to put her dress on and smoothen her hair nervously. Was saying sorry going to hurt him more? Probably. Sorry for what? All the kindness he poured on her without her deserving a drop of it? All the support he wasn't obliged to give but did give her, nevertheless? She never once crawled out of her hole and thought about how he feels about it all, how he's living through it, always taking him for granted. She was so lost in her pain that she felt like she never gave him enough. She didn't.
"Kakashi," Sakura pronounced his name slowly, to buy herself time and think about her further words, but nothing came to her mind. Her eyes looked up to him and she grimaced in pain.
She loved him, but it was not the fire and the flames her body went through at the very thought of another one. She loved him because he was a good man, for his strength, principles, and honor.
"It's fine," Kakashi smiled at her. "But I'm gonna need you to go."
The way he drawled the words clenched her throat with sadness. Leaving him alone now was not the wisest thing she'd do but… perhaps her presence was only obstructive. He could use some peace of mind after her and after the news. But his voice... it forestalled a downfall, one that he wished to face alone.
"I want you to know…" Sakura stepped up, hand lifted up to reach for him, but then she quickly changed her mind and stopped in mid-air. "That I am forever grateful to you and you can call me anytime, for anything."
"Not anything," he reminded, playfully.
Sakura withered at his remark, but he laughed.
"Anyway. Come on, I'll drive you home," he nodded toward the door and soon disappeared into the other room. Sakura swallowed down and brushed back her hair. There was no other way. She couldn't save everyone when saving meant to betray her heart. And she almost did.
"So, at least you know where I live now," Kakashi announced after they stopped in front of her apartment. "Come to visit sometime."
Sakura was silent all the way during the ride, unsure what to say. Her whole body trembled with all the emotions that surged through her. The excitement, the horror, the fear, the pain. The versatility of her situation was bringing her down and tiring her out, it required a flow of energy to cope with it, one that she hadn't got. The raindrops crashed into the front window with increasing consistency and filled her with uneasiness. If only it wasn't so complicated.
She turned to Kakashi who was already looking at her, a little sad but overall composed. "It was…" Sakura squeezed her bag closer, then took another breath, attempting to finish her sentence. "It was going to be you if…"
"I know," Kakashi helped her get out of the frustration. "Sasuke is a lucky man to have you."
Sakura's lips parted in awe, then heat colored her cheeks. "Uh… d-don't know about that," she muttered, looking down at the black clutch in her hands.
"Yeah, he is," Kakashi sighed with content. "I'll go to Amegakure tomorrow, to see what's going on. I suspect he's been through some kind of trial. If so, he'll be laying in prison for a long time." Sakura's face darkened at the thought, but Kakashi noticed the change and hurried to add more, "I'll make sure he's out as soon as possible. Although…" he paused, clicking with his tongue. "Deserters are particularly despised."
A small pause set between them and Sakura used it to place her palm over Kakashi's, now resting on the gear-lever. He raised a brow but said nothing. "Don't worry about getting him out quickly or anything that's beyond your powers. All that matters to me is that you're both safe. Alright?" Sakura hoped he understood that he doesn't need to fulfill her every wish. She already hated herself for letting him down.
"Alright." Kakashi looked down at their hands and then up to her a few times before she startled, backing away from him.
"Oh god, sorry," the blush returned to her face and she looked anywhere but Kakashi, drowning in embarrassment.
"It's okay," he couldn't help but smile, amused by the stellar changes.
She let out a puff and gathered the courage to look at him again. "Okay, I'll go now."
"I'll call you tomorrow. If you want."
"Yes, I would love to!" Sakura's eyes lit up but then she furrowed, frightened of her own enthusiasm. It was time to end this because the shame was getting unbearable.
She was about to click her door open when she faced Kakashi again as if remembering something. Hesitation stopped her at first, but then she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek quickly.
"Thank you so much," she whispered, before getting out of the car, fast enough to not see his reaction.
A/N: Thanks for reading! (And waiting for me to update.) I kinda like how that chapter turned out, hope you will too.