I wanted to. And I had to.
This is purely for crack reasons, so if you don't like anything in here then just politely leave and never return.
Otherwise, welcome to the abridged version of My Hero that's supposed to be as funny as Team Four Star's DBZ Abridged and other Abridged works, or DevilArtemis's Cell Vs and other crack things he does.
Let this chapter begin.
In a world where Quirks were everything but started out as being weird as hell and rejected from society before heroes came into the picture, everything can end quickly for anyone.
Especially when you're a Quirk nobody.
"Stop hurting this kid Kacchan!" A four year old Izuku Midoriya told his former childhood best friend.
"Okay!" Kacchan said with a smile.
"Wow that was easy," Izuku commented.
"Only cause I'm gonna hurt you now!" Kacchan added.
"Fuck," Izuku said before he got beaten senseless by Kacchan and two other random kids.
Yep, this was the life. Getting the shit beaten out of you everyday, the fear of getting robbed or abducted, and then simping for Pro Heroes and wishing you knew them and sometimes hoping you could control them and make them your slave.
Not the point here Deku!
Right right, back to the story.
The world began to change when Izuku Midoriya was 14 years old.
"Alright you stupid sacks of shit!" The teacher shouted while slapping some papers onto his desk. "Listen up! You all are worthless! Especially you Midoriya!"
"Yay…" Izuku cheered to himself.
"Except you Katsuki, I hope you can become number one," the teacher finished.
"Damn right! I'm gonna be number one!" Katsuki Bakugo shouted proudly.
"Maybe in a million years once All Might dies," Izuku muttered.
"Midoriya's hating on you Katsuki," the teacher blurted.
Katsuki grabbed Izuku's book and exploded it. "That was my fifth fucking book!" Izuku exclaimed as Katsuki threw it out the window.
Katsuki placed a hand on Izuku's shoulder with a smile. "And I don't give two fucks!"
"Well fuck you bitch!" Izuku retorted to Katsuki as Katsuki left the classroom.
Izuku left the building and grabbed his notebook. "Funny, I could've sworn these fish weren't here before today."
"Reeeeee!" One of the fish were shouting as Izuku grabbed the book.
"Man shut the fuck up," Izuku muttered.
He then began to leave for his home and he walked alone. "Well, my life's shit and I'm probably gonna die alone and no one's going to give two shits."
A sewer grate opened and a sludge man grabbed Izuku. "Hi there! Wanna be my hero?"
"Do I have to die in the process?" Izuku asked the villain somehow.
"Yep!"
"Well shit!"
"Super random gust of wind!" A third voice shouted as a random gust of wind saved Izuku from sudden death.
As Izuku stood up he bent over from lost of air. "Hey, thanks for saving me."
"No problem, young dumbass!" The voice said, which belonged to All Might.
"Oh shit! I got saved by All Might!" Izuku said. "Can I take a selfie and get an autograph?!"
"Already gave you the autograph," All Might said as Izuku saw the autograph. "Sadly, I gotta run. So I can't give you a selfie. Bye!" All Might jumped away but he felt something on him. He then look to see Izuku grabbing him.
"I want my selfie!" Izuku shouted at All Might which scared the shit out of All Might, before he landed on a building.
"Fine, take it really quick!" All Might told Izuku who panted since his lips were dry and his vision was blacking out a bit.
"I knew you were strong and crap, but that just pushed it," Izuku muttered to himself while All Might looked at the horizon. "Honestly, maybe this was overkill, trying to get a selfie…"
"Damn right kid!" All Might said before suddenly a bunch of smoke came off of All Might and he reverted to his true form.
Izuku and All Might were silent as they looked at each other before All Might opened his mouth, a stream of blood coming out of it while he said, "It's time to duel."
"What the hell?! You're a skeleton?!" Izuku questioned his idol.
"Yep. Been that way for five years now," All Might said while sitting down and showing a nasty scar that was on his stomach. "In a nutshell, my rival, a crazy ass villain who's maybe stronger than me did this, destroyed my organs and made me a skeleton and limit the time I have on being a Pro Hero. I can do shit for three hours a day, which is more than enough. Luckily, that asshole should be dead and rotting in hell."
Izuku was horrified by this turn of events. "And you're telling me this because…?"
"I got no clue," All Might said. "So, I'm going to meet you later because my gut instincts says we'll meet again." All Might then left while Izuku just thought about everything happening right now.
On another side of town
"Hey Kacchan," a teen with long fingers began. "Why didn't you hit Midoriya when he called you a bitch?"
"Because I just realized I was Gay for him!" Katsuki shouted at him. "And quit smoking! The smoke looks like his face and it's giving me an erection!"
"Oooo! Teenage hormone drama?!" The Sludge Villain questioned as he leapt at Katsuki.
Back with Izuku
"Well, now I got to mentally prepare myself since my lifetime's been shortened by that meeting with All Might," Izuku said to himself before he walked up to another villain attack. "Oh hey, the Heroes the failing."
"So, what's this kid like?!" The Sludge Villain asked his victim. "Is he Gay like you? Does he like dick? Oh! Does he look like a play boy that's super cute?"
"GRRAAAAAAAH!" The victim shouted in pain.
"Yo, shouldn't we try to save the kid?" A hero with a baseball questioned.
"I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to since some stupid dumbass should come and save this kid since this is supposed to be some serious character development point in the story," Death Arms replied.
Then Izuku yelled, "YOLO!" and charged forwards to save the kid after realizing it was his tormentor and also best friend.
"What'd I tell you?" Death Arms said, before realizing what happened. "WAIT!"
'Is that kid insane?!' All Might thought to himself in surprise.
"Oh hey! It's the kid I wanted to have for my hero earlier! I was wondering what happened to him!" The Sludge Villain said, before Izuku yeeted his bag at him and hit his eye. "MY FUCKING EYE!"
Izuku tried to claw at the Sludge that was trying to enter Bakugo's mouth. "Why the hell are you here Izuku?!" Bakugo questioned.
"That is the first time I've heard you say my real name in years," Izuku told Katsuki. "But I wanted to save you!"
"If we both die here, I want you to know something," Bakugo told Izuku.
"And what is that?"
"I'm gay for you!" Bakugo told Izuku.
Izuku began to cry a little as he smiled at Bakugo. "I just realized I'm Pans, so I think this can work out!" Izuku told Bakugo.
"And done recouping, time to die!" The Sludge Villain was about to hit Izuku before All Might came at the last second and smacked him into paste. "Shit…"
"And that is why, I'm the Symbol of Peace," All Might muttered to himself as he looked at Izuku and Bakugo, who were both unconscious and it started raining. "Eh, they'll be fine."
A few moments later, Izuku was walking home after sealing the deal with Bakugo, Bakugo and Izuku now being a gay couple. "Well, my life is almost complete. Now to become a hero and forget the horrible past I came from," Izuku said.
"I have returned!" All Might exclaimed.
"Oh hey All Might," Izuku said casually.
"First," All Might transformed into his true form. "Second, good job getting the man of your dreams. I figured you were straight, but that's still cool. And lastly, I can help you become a hero!"
Izuku then bowed over and cried and gave an epic shout of determination and release of his past trauma, glad that someone finally believed.
To be continued
Yes we're leaving it here, we can't cover everything instantly.
Also, the whole shipping thing is meant to be the start of a reoccurring gag that's meant to address the whole shipping aspect of Izuku in the fandom, where the fans literally ship him with whoever is available, even going as far as changing ages, genders, or crossovers. But, I myself am no exception, so this is just meant to address that. Expect a lot of relationships forced onto Izuku.
So, who wants a part 2?