Thanks for the reviews Love. Fiction. 2020 and LateNightOwl!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
When Ben didn't show up for study time in the library with Master Luke, Amaya was surprised but chalked it up to the fact that Luke was there. When Ben didn't show up for free practice in the upstairs training room, Amaya started to wonder whether they should have checked in with him after all. And when Ben didn't show up to cook and eat dinner, Amaya began to secretly wonder if he hadn't ran away or died.
For their part, none of the other padawans seemed particularly concerned. They went about their business like everything was fine. Even Voe remained silent about the whole ordeal, acting almost as if it had never happened.
"Should we...um...save some food for Ben?" Amaya asked the others as they ate.
"It's his choice if he wants to starve himself." Voe replied coolly.
"We can leave some in the oven for a few hours." Tai said, "But we'll have to remember to come back and get it if he doesn't show up."
"We could bring it to him." Amaya suggested, and Voe snorted.
"He's not a prince. We shouldn't have to cater to his needs every time he throws a fit." Voe said, rolling her eyes.
"He hasn't eaten anything since breakfast." Amaya said, standing up, "I'm going to bring him food."
"Your funeral." Voe said, and Amaya ignored her, resolutely picking up a clean plate and piling it up with the noodle dish they had made.
Climbing the stairs, Amaya came out onto the dormitory floor and turned to the right, walking up to the door that said Ben. She paused outside it, reaching out through the Force to determine whether he was inside. She found his familiar presence almost instantly, drawing back quickly as she felt him notice her.
"Ben?" Amaya called, knocking on the door.
No reply came from within the room and Amaya hesitated. "I brought you dinner." She said after a moment, "I'll just...I'll just leave it outside your door in case you want it."
Amaya stood still, listening for any sound coming from within the room. All was quiet.
Sighing, she bent down, placing the food on the ground next to the door. She stood back up, waiting for a few more moments before turning to leave. She made it almost as far as the stairs when she heard a door behind her open and she stopped. Turning around, she saw Ben in the doorway to his room, looking at her.
"Hey." She said, unsure whether to stay or go.
"Hey." Ben replied, looking down at the food at his feet.
"Thought you might be hungry..." Amaya said, feeling incredibly awkward.
Ben bent to pick up the food, examining it, before looking back at her. "Thanks." He said, and Amaya half smiled.
"You're welcome." She said.
Silence fell between them and Amaya bit her lip. "I assume Voe told you everything." Ben said, after a moment, and Amaya nodded.
"Pretty much." She replied, and Ben sighed.
"I'll have to apologize to her tomorrow." He said.
"You're not coming to meditation tonight?" Amaya asked.
"Probably not." Ben said, and Amaya felt her heart sink with disappointment.
"Do you want to go on a walk?" Amaya asked, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop them.
Ben looked at her in surprise. He glanced down at the food in his hands before looking back up. "Do you want to come in instead?" He asked, gesturing to his open door.
This time, Amaya was the one who was surprised. "Sure." She said, walking over to him.
He held open the door for her as she entered the room, looking around herself almost in awe. The four walls were covered with drawings, pictures, maps and charts. The room looked so lived in, compared to her own.
"Did you draw all of these?" Amaya asked as she looked around.
"Most of them." Ben said.
"They remind me of the drawings in Master Luke's study." Amaya said, and Ben grimaced.
"Some of them were drawn by him." Ben admitted, taking a seat at his desk. He began eating the food, understandably very hungry. "He taught me how to draw."
Amaya looked around the room, trying and failing to understand the complicated relationship between Ben and his uncle.
"You can sit down if you want." Ben said, gesturing to his bed, and Amaya took a seat.
"What did Voe think of you coming up here?" Ben asked, "Or does she even know?"
Amaya shook her head, "Oh she knows." She replied, "She wasn't thrilled. She said something about me treating you like a prince."
Ben snorted. "Why shouldn't you?" He asked, jokingly, and Amaya laughed.
"Have you and Voe always hated each other?" Amaya asked.
"We don't...hate...each other." Ben said, "Well I suppose we do sometimes. She probably hates me. I just find her incredibly annoying."
Amaya thought back to Voe's earlier admission of hatred and decided very quickly to keep this information to herself.
"But no, we've never really been friends." Ben continued. "I shouldn't have said what I said to her though. She came up to me and said I was doing a good job and I thought she was gloating. In fact, I'm still pretty convinced she was gloating. She loves it when Master Luke gets mad at me. But that doesn't excuse all the things I said."
"Have you spoken to Master Luke since?" Amaya asked, and Ben shook his head.
"No and I don't intend to." He said, "We both meant the things we said. There's no point talking about it."
"Are you sure it wouldn't help-"
"I'm absolutely sure it wouldn't help." Ben replied forcefully. "Master Luke and I are never going to agree on certain things. I'm never going to be who he wants me to be. There's no point trying to fix things."
"From what you've told me, it doesn't look like he understands you very well." Amaya said. "That time with Lila, he misunderstood your intentions-"
"He knows me better than anyone." Ben said, shaking his head. "Better even than my own parents. He practically raised me."
"What happened then?" Amaya asked.
"I failed to live up to his expectations." Ben said, his face guarded. "He thought he could fix me and he couldn't and now every time he sees me it's like I'm a walking reminder of his failure."
"He thought he could fix you?" Amaya asked, taken aback.
"He thought he could get rid of the darkness in me." Ben clarified.
"You mean like the Dark side of the Force?" Amaya asked, and Ben nodded.
"But he has also has darkness in him." Amaya said, frowning. "See this is what I don't understand. No one in this Temple has succeeded at getting rid of the Dark altogether. Why are you any different?"
"Because I have more." Ben said, shaking his head. "Don't pretend you don't see it too."
"All I see is you're more unhappy than everyone else." Amaya said, "Is that because of the darkness or is that the darkness itself?"
Ben frowned, taken aback by her question. "I guess that's the darkness itself. I should be happy. I have no reason not to be. You said it yourself that night we couldn't sleep. This place is perfect. It's literally perfect but all I want is to leave."
"I take back what I said." Amaya said, shaking her head. "This place isn't perfect, it just seemed perfect. If I felt like my uncle considered me his greatest failure in life I wouldn't be happy either. I also wouldn't be friends with a girl who constantly undermined me out of jealousy. Your feelings are not unreasonable, Ben."
Ben shook his head. "They are unreasonable. I've been given everything I could ever want in life. My parents and uncle are the heroes of the New Republic, I've never had to hide in a bomb shelter or lose a parent, I was given the opportunity to learn to be a Jedi...I have no reason to be ungrateful."
"When I was a child, my mom took a glass of water and put it on the table." Amaya said, the old memory making her nostalgic. "She asked me what colour the water was and I said clear. So then she took a small bottle of green food colouring and let just one drop fall into the cup. She picked up the cup and swirled it around until the entire water was green, and then she asked me again what colour the water was. I said it was green and she nodded."
Amaya paused, her throat strangely tight as the memory brought back the loss that she would never fully recover from. "She said the water was a perfect life - one in which nothing was wrong. She said the green dye symbolized a negative occurrence of any kind - some kind of problem or harm or conflict. It only took one small drop of green dye to turn the entire cup of water green. Problems expand to fill available space - they will permeate every part of your life, it's inevitable. It doesn't matter how seemingly small or insignificant they are."
"So are you saying we're doomed to be forever miserable?" Ben asked and Amaya laughed, shaking her head.
"No, not necessarily." She said, "After my mom explained the analogy to me she got me to drink the water. At first I hesitated, not sure if it would taste weird because of the food colouring. She insisted I try it so I did. It tasted like normal water. I couldn't taste the dye and if I hadn't been able to see it with my own eyes I wouldn't have known it was in there. Just because life is filled with problems doesn't mean it's any worse than a perfect life. The problems remain, but life still tastes just as sweet."
"What if you have so much food colouring in the water that it no longer tastes like water and you're basically just drinking food colouring?" Ben asked.
"It takes a lot to get to that point." Amaya said. "I know people whose whole lives have been nothing short of horror stories and who still think the water tastes like water. It does happen though. There was a young girl in the orphanage who killed herself about a year before the bombing."
"Some people are stronger than others." Ben said. "The Jedi Order sees those who succumb to the Dark side as weak. Any failure to accept the green dye in your cup of water is a transgression."
"I think that's unfair. Some people have more sensitive taste buds. They can taste the dye before anyone else can. I wouldn't call that weakness." Amaya said.
Suddenly remembering the time, Amaya checked the clock on the wall. "Meditation starts in 5 minutes. I have to go." She said and Ben nodded, standing up.
"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Amaya asked, and Ben sighed.
"If I go down there I will have to give Voe an apology. It will be long and painful and she might cry and I'm too tired to deal with that right now." Ben said.
Amaya nodded, "I understand." She said, turning to leave.
"Amaya?" Ben said suddenly, and Amaya turned back to face him. "Thank you...for the food."
Amaya smiled, suddenly seized with a desire to hug him. "You're welcome."
Ben walked through the snow, the tall trees of a forest rising up on either side of him. He felt the cold around him in his very bones and wrapped an arm around himself as he shivered involuntarily. A sharp stab of pain greeted him and Ben looked down, his eyes widening in horror as he saw he was bleeding. His clothing was torn, revealing an ugly wound underneath. Ben stumbled, falling to his knees as his legs gave way.
"You shouldn't have lied to me." Amaya's voice said, echoing through the forest.
Ben looked up frantically, unable to see where her voice was coming from.
"I told you she would figure it out eventually." Snoke's voice sneered, and Ben felt a sharp pain shoot through his torso.
He looked down, finding a red lightsaber in his chest. He pulled on the handle, pulling it out and looked at the handle. It was his handle. His lightsaber. Why was it red...
"Your lightsaber bled when you killed me." Voe said, and Ben looked up. She stood in front of him, looking perfectly unharmed.
"I didn't-" Ben breathed.
"You don't remember?" Voe sneered. "Did my life mean so little to you? Arrogant, cruel, selfish bastard."
Ben shook his head, his eyes widening in horror as Voe's skin began to flake, her body crumbling to dust in front of his eyes.
"Why did you do it?" Amaya asked, kneeling in front of him as he continued to shake his head. He hadn't killed her. He hadn't.
Amaya reached out, touching his face, and Ben met her gaze. She was so beautiful. He wanted her so badly it hurt. He reached out, intending to touch her and she screamed. Ben jolted back in horror, watching as his red lightsaber pierced Amaya's chest.
"NO!" Ben screamed, holding her body as the light in her eyes dimmed and she began still. "No, I didn't mean to. I didn't-"
"You hurt people, Ben." Luke's voice said. "It's all you know how to do."
"You destroy everything you touch." Snoke's voice said, echoing through the trees.
"No." Ben muttered, holding Amaya's dead body. "It was an accident."
Ben woke up suddenly, his heart pounding. He pushed back the covers, soaked in sweat and sat up, running his hands over his face as he tried to calm down. It was just a dream. It wasn't real. None of it was real.
Ben leaned his back against the wall, his terror subsiding and leaving nothing but a sour taste in his mouth. He glanced over at the clock on the wall and groaned, closing his eyes. 6:43 am. He'd gotten a grand total of 3 hours of sleep despite going to bed not long after Amaya had left for evening meditation. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept for more than 5 hours in one night and on the nights he'd been lucky enough to get that much in, his sleep had trapped him in horrific nightmares that left him with a sense of foreboding even after he woke up. This one had been no different.
Ben shook his head, climbing out of bed. It was just a dream, there was no point in thinking about it anymore, he told himself. Ben closed his eyes as the image of Amaya's dead body came unbidden to the front of his mind. No, he was going to shower and get dressed, he told himself.
Jumping into the shower, Ben tried to focus on the conversation he would undoubtedly be having with Voe today. What was he going to tell her? That he was sorry? A lot of good that would do... Their relationship was too fraught with years of tension to be fixed by one apology. Anything he said now would just be empty words.
The image of Voe crumbling to dust in front of him floated to the front of his mind and Ben turned off the shower, quickly drying his hair and getting dressed. He sat down on his bed and picked up one of the Jedi texts, opening it to the page he was supposed to read for today. Of course, he'd already read the entire book more than once and his eyes glazed over the page as he read, only half absorbing the content the knew like the back of his hand.
Ben looked up as he heard a knock and frowned, checking the time. Somehow more than an hour had flown by since he'd woken up. Walking to his door, he reached out with the Force, feeling relieved when he sensed it was Amaya.
"Afraid I wouldn't show up?" Ben asked, opening the door for her to enter.
Amaya laughed. "A little." She admitted.
"I want to get this over with as soon as possible." Ben said, "I was actually thinking of going over to talk to her now before we start making breakfast."
"Good idea." Amaya agreed.
"Amaya, I forgot to ask yesterday but...have you heard anything more from...the voice?" Ben asked, and Amaya shook her head.
"No." She said, "Thankfully."
"I realized I was supposed to start training you last night...on how to block him out." Ben said, suddenly feeling guilty and Amaya immediately shook her head.
"Don't worry about it." She said dismissively. "We can do it another time. If he even tries to make contact again."
Ben fell silent, suddenly overcome with a wave of fear as he imagined all the things Snoke could tell her about him. All the secrets he had so carefully guarded all these years...
"Well then I'll meet you in the kitchen?" Amaya asked, and Ben looked back up, nodding.
"Right." Ben said, nodding and Amaya half smiled before turning to leave, closing the door behind her. Ben sighed, preparing himself mentally for the conservation he needed to have with Voe. Shaking his head, he left his room, not wanting to delay the inevitable any longer.
Stopping in front of Voe's door, Ben knocked, half hoping she wouldn't answer. Of course, she did. Voe opened the door, her face hardening the moment she saw him. She let out a loud sigh, turning on her heel and re-entering the room, leaving the door open for Ben to come in. Ben hesitated in the doorway for a moment before entering, watching as Voe returned to her mirror, continuing to braid her hair as if Ben wasn't there.
"Well if you have something to say, you better say it quick because we have to go." Voe snapped, not bothering to look at him.
"I'm sorry." Ben ground out.
The words elicited no reaction from Voe, who continued to braid her hair as if he hadn't said anything.
"I shouldn't have said those things to you. They weren't true, I just said them to hurt you." Ben continued.
"Why?" Voe asked, still not looking at him.
"Why what?" Ben asked.
"Why did you want to hurt me? What did I do to you to deserve that?" Voe asked, finally spinning around to look at him. "What did I do to make you hate me so much?"
Ben clenched his fists, willing himself to stay calm. "I don't hate you."
"You do!" Voe cried, "We've known each other since we were children and we've never been friends. Why is that?"
Ben looked away, unsure how to answer the question without making things worse.
"Am I not good enough for you?" Voe continued, her voice wavering, "Is that it?"
"No." Ben replied quickly and forcefully. "No. That's not it."
"Then what?" Voe asked, crossing her arms.
Ben sighed, "I don't know...we're different people." He said shrugging. "We're just not...compatible."
Voe scoffed. "Not compatible. Right."
Ben resisted the urge to groan as she turned away again, continuing to braid her hair.
"I dreamt you died last night." Ben said, and Voe froze, turning to stare at him in horror.
"Like a...Force dream or-"
"No, not a Force dream." Ben said, shaking his head. "A normal dream."
"Then why are you telling me this?" Voe asked and Ben sighed, shrugging.
"I don't know." He admitted. "Maybe cause it's evidence I don't hate you. Evidence I actually feel bad about yesterday."
Voe looked at him for a moment, her eyes roving over his face, but she sighed and looked away. "I don't understand you, Ben." She said simply, finishing her braids. She held them out in front of the mirror, checking to make sure they were the same length.
Ben made no reply and Voe turned around to look at him. "It's always going to be like this, isn't it?" She said, an undertone of sadness to her voice that made Ben want to look away in shame. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he get along with this girl? She wasn't that objectively difficult to handle...
After a moment Ben nodded, unable to deny the truth. They would never be friends. If it were possible, it would have happened by now. Voe turned away, a brightness to her eyes that Ben did not like. You hurt people, Ben. Luke's dream voice echoed in the back of Ben's mind as he followed Voe of her room in silence. It's all you know how to do.
Amaya felt the change in the Force before Ben and Voe even entered the kitchen, a cold draft of darkness filling the room. She looked up, exchanging a look with Tai, as the door opened and Ben and Voe entered.
"Good morning!" Hennix called out to them, accidentally dropping an egg as he did so.
"Hennix!" Voe cried, immediately going to clean up the spilled egg as Hennix apologized while trying to get the splattered yoke off his pant leg.
Amaya laughed as she watched Voe scold Hennix like she was his mother, helping him clean his pants with a cloth and water. She barely noticed Ben come over to her until he was right next to her. She looked over, giving him a small smile.
"How did it go?" She whispered underneath her breath as she chopped onions for the omelettes they were making. Ben grabbed a knife, pulling an onion and a spare chopping board towards him.
"About the same as I expected." He whispered back. "Let's not talk here."
Amaya nodded, turning her attention back to the onions until the sound of the door opening once more made her look back up. Master Luke stood in the doorway, his face grim.
"Ben." He said. "Please come with me."
Amaya looked over at Ben, watching as he set his jaw and carefully laid down the knife he'd been using. The room was dead silent as he left, closing the door behind him.
"Well today is just going great." Voe sneered, stirring the eggs with more vigour than necessary.
"Did you guys make up, or...?" Hennix asked cautiously.
Voe scoffed. "Make up? What would even be the point?"
"So that's a no...?" Hennix asked and Voe gave him a withering look, grabbing the bowl of eggs and slamming it down on the table next to Tai and Amaya.
Amaya lifted her cutting board, pouring in the chopped onion and Tai did the same with his chopped mushrooms.
"I don't know why Master Luke even tries." Voe continued, carrying the bowl over to the store where Hennix had already started heating up oil in a pan. "Ben is going to do what he wants to do no matter what the consequences are."
"He's his nephew." Tai said.
"He's his Jedi Master." Voe snapped back. "He shouldn't treat him different because he's family."
"No you're right, he shouldn't." Tai replied evenly. "But that's part of the problem. He does treat him differently...and not in a good way."
At this, Voe spun around, glaring at Tai. "If any one of us behaved the way he did we'd be out on the street."
"You don't understand the pressure he's under." Tai said defensively. "Master Luke, even though he usually ends up making things worse rather than better, he understands what it's like to be a Skywalker."
"Oh yes, it must be so difficult being descended from a famous line of war heroes." Voe sneered.
"It is." Tai replied firmly. "Think of what he has to live up to."
"No one expects him to save the galaxy." Voe snapped. "We're at peace. The New Republic is doing fine."
"Voe, the omelettes!" Hennix cried suddenly, and Voe spun around, flipping them just as they began to burn.
Amaya heard the chatter of the younger padawans fill the mess hall outside, bringing her attention back to the task they were supposed to be completing. "We need to hurry up." Amaya said, pulling out the plates and handing a pile to Hennix, who began to load half-burnt omelettes onto them.
The door opened moments later, admitting Ben, and a hush fell over the room. Amaya immediately began serving the first plates of omelettes to distract herself from the tension in the room. Ben walked over to Hennix, helping him put the omelettes on plates in silence, his face closed off.
"It's not raining today." Hennix said, breaking the silence at last. "Think we'll be training outside?"
"Probably." Voe replied shortly.
"Better than in here." Hennix said, his words being met by more silence.
The rest of the breakfast passed in near total silence despite Hennix's multiple attempts to spark conversation. Amaya too, tried to assist him, without much luck. After a while, both gave up, resigning themselves to eating in silence.
Amaya let out a breath of relief when breakfast was finally over and Voe left to go teach the younger padawans while the rest of them went outside with Luke to train.
"Alright, so..." Luke said, once they'd gathered outside. "It's Ben's turn to teach Amaya. You two can go practice over there." Luke said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "Tai and Hennix, you will duel each other."
Amaya glanced over at Ben, and he met her gaze for a split second before turning away, beginning to walk in the direction of the far corner Luke had pointed to. Amaya quickly followed after him, falling into step beside him. They walked in silence for a moment before Amaya worked up the courage to ask the question she'd been burning to ask.
"So...how'd it go?" She asked, glancing at him cautiously, out of the corner of her eye.
"How did what go?" Ben asked, his voice almost detached.
"Your conversation with Voe." She said, "And...I guess Master Luke?"
Ben sighed. "I'd really rather not talk about it."
Amaya tried to hide the wave of disappointment that washed over her, but she had a feeling Ben felt it anyway. They finished the walk in silence, stopping near the edge of the field, far from the others. Amaya looked back, watching Hennix and Tai duel from the distance.
"I don't know if I'll ever catch up." Amaya said, shaking her head, as she lifted up the stick she had brought to practice with.
"You will." Ben said, lifting up his own stick.
Amaya got into position, beginning to feel somewhat familiar with the proper way to hold her pretend lightsaber. She nearly jumped as Ben lunged towards her, blocking him just in time.
"Pay attention." He said, attacking her once more before he'd even finished speaking.
Amaya ground her teeth, trying and failing to anticipate where and how he would strike next as he continued to move on the offensive.
"Watch my eyes." Ben said, as he continued to strike. "People usually strike where they're looking."
Amaya trained her eyes on his face, immediately failing to block a strike entirely. "Don't only watch my eyes." Ben admonished. "You have to see everything all at once."
"How?" Amaya asked, putting down her stick suddenly.
"It'll come with practice." Ben said, sighing. "It's like when you learn how to fly a ship, at first your eyes are glued to whatever's in front of you. But eventually, you learn to be able to see everything around you."
"I'm a terrible pilot." Amaya said. "I crash landed on this island. I don't even know if the ship is even salvageable."
"How were you planning to leave then if you weren't admitted?" Ben asked, frowning.
Amaya laughed. "I guess I was hoping for some help?"
Ben's lips twitched as if he wanted to smile before he picked up his stick again, preparing to resume the practice.
"If you can't pay attention to everything all at once with your eyes." Ben said, "Use the Force."
Amaya shook her head. "Using the Force distracts me. I'm not used to having to pay attention to another person while using it."
"Well you're going to have to learn because that is essential in any battle." Ben said and Amaya sighed.
"How about this." Ben said suddenly, lowering his stick again. "Close your eyes."
"What!?" Amaya cried, tightening her grip on her stick.
"Just do it." Ben said. "Don't worry, I won't hit you." He added, a hint of a smirk on his lips.
"You better not." Amaya said, giving him a pointed look before closing her eyes. She lifted up her stick, getting into position.
"Now reach out with the Force." Ben said and Amaya did as she was told, feeling Ben's life-force in front of her.
"Good. Now focus on my hands." Ben said, "Feel where they are in the space in front of you."
Amaya probed Ben's life-force, trying to differentiate between the different parts of his body. They all ran together, a chaotic mix of Light and Dark. He could feel his emotions so clearly it took her breath away. For once the anger had been reduced to a subtle undercurrent, exposing the rawness and intensity of his pain. Amaya struggled to breathe, opening her eyes, as she pulled back from the Force in shock.
She stared at Ben, still reeling from the memory of what she had felt. He stared back at her, his face more vulnerable than she had ever seen it.
"You were supposed to focus on my hands." Ben said, his voice hollow.
Amaya shook her head. "I'm sorry. I couldn't differentiate between anything. It was all just mixed together."
Ben sighed. "Try again." He said.
"Are you sure?" Amaya asked, feeling very much like she was invading his privacy.
"How else are you going to learn?" Ben replied and Amaya nodded.
"Okay." She said, closing her eyes and reaching out with the Force once more. She found Ben immediately but tried to pull back slightly so that she could focus less on his emotions and more on where his body was in space. She felt around the edges of his life-force, trying to feel out the shape of his body.
"I can't tell anything apart." Amaya said after a few moments.
"Hold your hand out in front of you." Ben said and Amaya frowned, in confusion.
"Why?" She asked, but did as she was told.
Ben made no reply. Instead, Amaya felt his life-force move closer until his palm touched her own. Amaya almost jumped at the unexpected contact before realizing what he was doing. She focused her attention on the spot where his life-force met her own.
"Good. Now stay focused on that same spot." Ben said, before pulled back his hand.
Amaya followed his retreating life-force as it seemed to become less spread out. She could feel his hand was closer to his body now. "Now find my hand." Ben said and Amaya stepped forward, reaching forward blindly. She reached for the part of his life-force she'd been focusing on, her fingers closing around his bare hand. She opened her eyes, a grin breaking out on her face, and let go of his hand, embarrassed by the sudden closeness.
"You did it." Ben said, a small smile on his face.
"You're a good teacher." Amaya said.
Ben's smile grew ever so slightly before he looked away and suggested they try again...this time with the sticks.