Thanks for the reviews Love. Fiction. 2020 and LateNightOwl! :)
Disclaimer: I do not own anything!
As evening meditation came to a close, Amaya stood up, stretching after having been sitting for so long.
"I actually think I fell asleep for part of that." Hennix said and Amaya turned to stare at him, a laugh escaping her lips before she could contain it.
"Wouldn't be the first time." Voe said, rolling her eyes.
"Amaya, can I talk to you?" Ben said, suddenly appearing by her side. Voe immediately averted her eyes, her demeanor changing instantly.
"Of course." Amaya said, quickly leaving with him before the situation became any more tense. They walked through the room in silence, exiting into the corridor. Ben quickly led the way to the courtyard, closing the door to the Temple behind them before speaking.
"Do you still want to learn how to shield your mind?" Ben asked.
"Yes, of course." Amaya said quickly, afraid someone would hear them.
"To teach you effectively I'll have to actually invade your mind." Ben said. "Are you sure you're okay with that?"
Amaya felt a chill run through her. Of course she was not okay with that...but what other choice did she have? "That's fine." Amaya said, not missing the way Ben's eyes widened in surprise.
"I'll be able to access any memory, any thought, any feeling..."
"I understand." Amaya said, nodding curtly. "It's fine."
Ben stared at her for a moment before nodding. "Okay then want to reconvene in my room in 10 minutes?"
Amaya nodded, heading for the door. "I'll see you then." She said, reentering the Temple. She climbed the stairs two at a time, her heart pounding with adrenaline. Was she really going to willingly let him into her mind? Let him see everything?
Amaya pushed down her fear, shaking her head, as she entered her room. So what if he knew her whole life story...who she was...inside and out? So what if he saw what she'd done...who she was...
Amaya squeezed her eyes shut, sitting down on her bed. She put her face in her hands, willing herself to calm down. He had secrets too, she reminded herself. If he betrayed her and told Master Luke then he'd have to explain why he'd hid the voice from Master Luke in the first place. And that probably wouldn't be all he'd have to explain. Amaya had a strong feeling he had ulterior motives for wanting to help her shut out the voice without involving Master Luke.
No, Amaya reminded herself. They were in this together. For better or for worse.
With a sigh, Amaya pushed herself off her bed, walking over to the door. She doubted 10 minutes had gone by but she desperately just wanted to get this over with.
So you really don't want to continue our conversations?
Amaya's grip on the doorknob slipped as the cold voice slipped into her mind undetected.
Privacy. The voice sneered. Why is it that we value it so highly? Isn't hiding parts of yourself a form of deception?
You know my every thought, my every word, my every action. Amaya thought back. I know nothing about you. That gives you power over me and you know it.
Clever girl. The voice replied. I really do like you.
Wish I could say I felt the same. Amaya thought back, irritably.
Well regardless of how you feel about me, I feel I have the responsibility to warn you about what you are about to do. The voice replied.
Amaya felt her insides turn cold and immediately felt her irritation for the voice grow. He was playing with her. He wanted to turn her against Ben.
I'm merely looking out for your interests. The voice said, hearing her thoughts. Nothing more.
Amaya gritted her teeth. The sooner she learned how to block out this voice the better.
Oh come now, Amaya. You know as well as I do that you can't trust Ben Solo with your secrets. The boy is impulsive, prone to bursts of anger-
This is none of your concern. Amaya interrupted. I'd rather be expelled from the Temple than live with you in my mind.
That hurts, Amaya. The voice sneered. There's so much I wanted to share with you. Knowledge your Jedi Master would never give you.
You mean the Dark side? Amaya asked and the voice laughed.
Yes, the Dark side. The voice. Or as you would call it...simply the Force.
Ben said you don't use the Light side. Amaya said. Why not?
Because the Light side is less powerful than the Dark side. I have no use for it. The voice replied.
Why is it more powerful? Amaya asked.
The Light side draws its power from non-attachment and universal compassion. The voice explained. These are, as you have already realized, near impossible ideals to reach. The Dark side draws its power from passion and ambition and these...well these come naturally to most people.
So it's easier. Amaya surmised. It's not more powerful it's just more accessible.
It's both. The voice replied. The Light side is fettered by artificial restraints. Jedi can only use their power in ways that align with their sense of morality. The Dark side imposes no limits on its users and with this freedom comes the ability to achieve things Jedi never could.
Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. Amaya replied.
And who determines what you should do? The voice asked. Your Jedi Master? The Jedi Code?
I do. Amaya replied sharply. I decide.
Amaya felt the voice's presence glow with satisfaction. Something about what she had said had pleased him greatly.
We'll talk soon, my girl. The voice said and Amaya felt revulsion ripple through her.
Don't call me that. She thought back angrily. The voice made no reply and Amaya reached out through the Force, trying to find his presence, but he was gone. Amaya squeezed her eyes shut, her irritation verging on full blown anger. Opening her eyes again, she opened the door to the hallway, more resolved than ever to learn how to block the voice out of her mind.
Ben sat at his desk, absentmindedly drawing circles on the back of the unopened letter his mother had sent him, his mind lost in thought. The conversation he'd had that morning with Luke kept replaying in his mind. The look of helplessness that had been on his uncle's face was seared into his mind.
He'd asked him if he wanted to leave the Temple...give up being a Jedi. Ben accidentally tore the envelope as he used more force than necessary to draw a circle. Luke was giving up on him. He thought he couldn't do it...he thought he wasn't strong enough to be a Jedi. Of course, Ben had always known that his uncle had had doubts about him. Right from the very start. But he'd always tried hard to hide them...Now, not only was he not hiding his reservations about Ben's ability to join the Jedi Order...he was actively trying to get him to leave the Temple.
Ben jumped as a knock sounded on his door and he stood up, dropping the pencil he'd been holding. He opened the door, finding Amaya outside, as expected.
"Are you ready?" Amaya asked.
Ben nodded, stepping back to let her in, before closing the door behind her. Amaya walked in, immediately noticing the torn envelope on the desk. She glanced at it briefly before turning back to Ben, forcing a smile.
"How do we begin?" She asked.
Ben struggled to bring his attention back to the present. He focused his eyes on Amaya's face, pushing all other thoughts from his mind. "I'm going to attempt to invade your mind." Ben said. "You will try to resist me."
Amaya's eyebrows went way up. "That's it?" She asked. "There's no strategy?"
"I don't know how to teach this." Ben admitted. "I barely know how to do it myself. What I try to do is narrow in on the person's Force signature and then try to almost physically push them away or block them."
Amaya frowned. "I thought you said you've never used this skill against another person before."
Ben mentally slapped himself for his slip. "I meant that's what I've read you're supposed to do." He said, causing Amaya to raise an eyebrow in disbelief. "Anyway, are you ready?"
Amaya exhaled slowly and Ben noticed her hands were shaking slightly. "Don't be afraid." He said. "What I see stays within this room."
Amaya nodded. "I know, thanks." She said, smiling. "Go ahead."
"Oh and one more thing." Ben said. "You'll know when I enter your mind. You might not feel it when the voice is in your mind because he seems to be very experienced at getting inside peoples' heads. I'm not very good at it so I won't be able to hide my presence. You'll know what I'm looking at."
Amaya nodded. "That's good actually. I'm glad I'll know what you see."
Ben nodded, fixing his eyes on hers. Taking a step towards her, he reached out with the Force, feeling the fear and apprehension within her. He pushed deeper, opening her mind like a book and Amaya gasped in shock before quickly falling silent again. He felt her displeasure at his presence intensify but encountered no resistance, her thoughts and past experiences coming quickly to him.
Flipping back through her mind to the point at which she entered his room, Ben saw himself through her eyes as he opened the door to let her in. He felt her emotions in the moment, feeling the way a flicker of worry ignited inside her at the sight of his face. He looks tired. He's still not any better than earlier. What happened with Master Luke? What did they say? Ben listened to her thoughts as she stepped into the room, her eyes catching the torn envelope on his desk. His mother? Why did he tear it? Why hasn't he read it?
Ben felt Amaya struggle weakly against his grip on her mind, but it barely registered. He was too engrossed in her thoughts, caught up in seeing himself through her eyes for the first time.
"I thought you said you've never used this skill against another person before." Ben heard Amaya ask, feeling her concern for him turn to suspicion. His response only increased her suspicion and made her annoyed. You can't trust Ben Solo with your secrets. Ben heard the memory of Snoke's voice say within Amaya's mind, causing Amaya's suspicion to turn to cold fear.
Ben froze, Snoke's words igniting his own anger. When had Snoke spoken to her again? She hadn't told him he'd made contact again? Was she hiding something? Ben felt Amaya protest weakly as he angrily flipped back through her memory, looking for Snoke. He stopped as he found the conversation they had had right before she'd come to his room. He listened intently, his anger growing with every word Snoke said. She really didn't trust him, he could feel it. She knew Snoke was telling the truth when he warned her against him meanwhile also knowing Snoke was manipulating her. She was too smart.
Ben pulled out of her mind suddenly, unable to take it any longer. He glared at her, suddenly hating her as much as he did Luke.
"Why did you come here tonight if you don't even trust me?" Ben snapped.
Amaya opened her mouth to respond and then closed it again.
"Because you think you can blackmail me into keeping your secrets?" Ben snarled. "You think I'm only helping you because I have something to hide? Is it so difficult to believe I might have actually wanted to help you out of kindness?"
"Ben-" Amaya began but Ben cut her off.
"I'm keeping your secrets, going out of my way to help you, and you still think I have some hidden agenda? What proof do you have I've ever lied to you? No, you know what? Forget it. You can learn how to deal with the voice on your own. Get out."
Amaya's eyes widened in shock before hardening, a look coming across her face Ben had never seen before. "Alright." She said, "If you won't help me I'll go tell Master Luke what's going on." She said, turning to leave.
Ben felt his insides turn to ice. "It's your loss." He said, trying to keep the sudden fear he felt out of his voice. She wasn't serious, he told himself. She wouldn't risk her place in the Temple.
Amaya made no reply, quickly crossing the room to the door. She pulled the door open, closing it behind herself. Ben stared at the closed door, fear racing through his veins. She wasn't actually going to tell Luke, he told himself once more.
But what if she did? Ben felt his hands begin to shake as he realized Luke's gentle suggestion that Ben leave the Temple would certainly become a hard-lined demand he leave. It would mean the end, not for Amaya...but for him. Where would he even go? He had no life outside the Temple. He couldn't go home...he wouldn't be able to face his mother if Luke sent him away. Besides, his real home was the Temple. His "home" on Chandrilla was empty most of the time, his family dispersed in different corners of the galaxy.
Suddenly realizing he couldn't take that chance, Ben left his room, spotting the back of Amaya's head as she entered the stairwell. She was actually going to tell him, Ben realized with a cold terror. He ran after her, catching her halfway down the stairwell.
"Amaya stop." Ben said, not even bothering to keep the panic out of his voice now. "Please. Wait."
Amaya ignored him, continuing her way down the stairs. Ben reached out to grab her, his hand closing around her arm. Amaya spun around to glare at him, angrily yanking her arm out of his grasp. "Let go of me." She snapped viciously, turning to leave once more.
"I'll help you." Ben said quickly. "I didn't mean that. Please just stop."
Amaya ignored him, continuing down the stairs faster than before.
"No wait." Ben said desperately, following her. "You were right. I'll tell you the truth. I'll tell you everything you want to know. Just stop."
Amaya slowed down, stopping on the last step, her back still to him. She hesitated before looking back up at him, the look on her face sending chills down Ben's spine. This had been a trap...a way to get the truth out of him.
"How will I know you'll actually tell me the truth this time?" Amaya asked, raising an eyebrow.
Ben sighed irritably. "The same way you did the first time." He snapped, turning on his heel to climb back up the stairs. He took a few steps and then stopped, realizing she was not following. He looked back down at her, noticing her expression had changed. She was staring at the stairwell wall, deep in thought.
"What are you waiting for?" He snapped impatiently.
Amaya looked up at him, pulling herself out of whatever reverie she had been in, and began to walk up the stairs. Ben turned his back to her and continued up the stairs, fuming as he realized he had let her get the best of him. He should never have confronted her about distrusting him. He should have left well enough alone. Now he would pay the price.
They reentered Ben's bedroom in silence, both too angry to speak. Ben paced back and forth, trying to figure out how and what to say, while Amaya leaned against the wall, her arms crossed.
"So are you going to talk or..." Amaya said after a moment and Ben stopped to glare at her.
"Why can't you just mind your own goddamn business?" Ben snarled. "Why do you have to pry into everyone else's lives. Are you really that starved for entertainment?"
"You really are talented at deflecting the blame onto others when you get backed into a corner." Amaya remarked coolly.
Ben felt his temper flare at this remark, realizing subconsciously it was spot on. He wanted desperately to break something but Amaya was watching, judging him with her suddenly very cold eyes, and he didn't want to look like he'd completely lost control.
"Okay I will make this easier for you." Amaya said, "Who does the voice belong to?"
Ben glared at her, his hatred making it difficult to even focus on the words she was saying. "Snoke." He said, after a moment. "His name's Snoke."
Amaya's eyebrows went up. "Snoke? What kind of a name is that?"
"A made-up name." Ben snapped. "He'll never tell you his real one."
"Who is he?" Amaya asked.
"A Dark side user." Ben said. "I don't know much more than that."
"What does he want from me?" Amaya asked.
"You." Ben said, fixing her sharply. "He wants you as his apprentice. I assume, anyway."
At this, Amaya's face drained of colour. "Why does he want me?" She asked.
"Because he think you're easier to turn to the Dark side...and you're powerful." Ben said, and Amaya frowned.
"I'm not. I can barely hold a lightsaber." She said and Ben rolled his eyes.
"That, you can learn. Your power comes from birth. You're more attuned to the Force than most I've seen." Ben said. "Snoke noticed."
Amaya fell silent for a moment, thinking.
"How do you know him?" She asked at last and Ben hesitated. This had been the question he'd been dreading.
"He's been in my mind since I was a child." Ben said at last, cringing at the look of horror that spread out across Amaya's face. He'd known she would react this way. His mother and uncle had always acted this way - as if he was dying of some terminal disease.
"Why?" Amaya asked, finally uncrossing her arms.
Ben snorted, looking away. "For the same reasons he's talking to you...and because I'm a Skywalker."
"He wants you to turn to the Dark side." Amaya said, as if something was suddenly clicking inside her mind. Ben looked back at her, half considering breaking into her mind again to know just what she was thinking.
"And you've been resisting him for what? Over a decade?" Amaya asked, sounding almost impressed.
Ben frowned. "Yes." He said. "Master Luke taught me how to shut him out a bit but I can't keep him out all the time."
"Does Master Luke know this or...?" Amaya asked, clearly already guessing the answer.
"No." Ben said, "I told him years ago Snoke had given up and gone away."
Amaya shook her head, "Why?"
"Because I was tired of having him look at me like I was in danger of being taken by the Dark side every single day." Ben snapped. "I knew I'd never be able to shut him out completely, I knew he'd never give up..."
"Well he's got to give up eventually." Amaya said, "I mean you've gone this far without turning to the Dark side, isn't it kind of unlikely you'll suddenly run off and join him now?"
Ben felt her words cut through him like a knife. She, of all people, had faith in him when even his own uncle was giving up hope. It's because she doesn't know you well enough, a voice that sounded like Snoke's, but definitely wasn't, pointed out. Ben tried to remember how long it had been since his own thoughts had begun to sound like Snoke's. He could barely even remember a time when he'd had his own mind to himself.
"Ben there has to be some way to get rid of him." Amaya said, an urgency to her voice now that hadn't been there before.
"There isn't." Ben snapped. "Not unless you want to kill him."
Amaya bit her lip. "Is it possible to learn how to shut him out entirely?" Amaya asked, after a moment.
Ben let out a sigh. "I can't do it. Maybe you can. Who knows." He said, suddenly feeling incredibly tired. He sat down on his bed, looking up at Amaya.
Amaya fell silent, her face deep in thought. After a moment she looked up. "Does anyone else know? Tai...Hennix…?"
Ben shook his head. "No."
"So you've been carrying this secret with you all this time and no one knows except Master Luke...and even he doesn't know that Snoke is still..."
"Yes." Ben said, meeting Amaya's eyes. They were soft now, the anger from earlier entirely gone.
Amaya shook her head, looking away. "You're the strongest person I've ever met." She said.
Ben felt his stomach twist painfully as he looked back up at her. He'd lied to her, insulted her unfairly, taken out his anger on her, and now she was staring at him like he was some sort of miracle. He felt his guilt churn inside him, making him sick.
"I understand why you didn't want to tell me." Amaya continued, oblivious to the impact her words were having on him. "I'll keep your secret. I promise."
Ben sighed. "It probably won't even matter." He said, suddenly seized with the desire to share with her the thoughts that had been consuming him all day. "Master Luke wants me to leave. He doesn't think I belong here, and I can't blame him."
"He wants you to leave?" Amaya asked, shocked. "Why?"
"Because I'm not able to control myself enough to be a Jedi. You think I'm strong? I'm not, Amaya." Ben said, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he had the chance to censor himself. "Voe complimented me and I attacked her. You confronted me for lying to you and I insulted you. I can't stop using the Dark side, I can't keep Snoke out of my head, I can't even sleep..."
Before he realized what was happening, Amaya had crossed the room towards him, taking a seat on his bed, next to him.
"Ben, most people in your shoes would have already turned to the Dark side." Amaya said seriously. "Snoke has been manipulating you and playing with your mind since you were a child and you're still here. You're here even though no one understands or even knows what you have to deal with on a daily basis. I know what Snoke can be like, how he knows exactly what buttons to press...and to think he's been doing this to you almost all your life...I would have lost my mind."
"You lost your mother, you watched your friends die in a bombing, you lived in an underground bunker." Ben said. "The things you've had to face...Snoke is nothing compared to that."
Amaya shook her head. "No, that's not true. Grief is a part of life...so is war in a lot of places...having a psychopath in your head manipulating your thoughts and playing on every weakness is enough to drive most people insane."
Ben shook his head, wanting to believe her but knowing she was wrong. He was weak. He'd always been weak. That was why Snoke had chosen him in the first place. He'd known Ben wouldn't be able to shut...he'd probably even known that a part of Ben didn't even want to shut him out.
"We're going to find a way to get rid of him." Amaya said suddenly, her eyes taking on a look of determination that sent shivers down Ben's spine. He didn't understand how someone who had lost everything could be so confident.
"And I have another idea. Snoke thrives off of creating divide between people because it brings out the Dark side in us. We can't let him tear us apart." Amaya said, staring at Ben with such intensity that Ben suddenly felt self-conscious.
"The problem is he doesn't use lies to turn people against each other. He uses the truth." Ben said, shaking his head.
"He uses the parts of the truth that are convenient for him." Amaya corrected him. "He leaves out the rest."
"Still." Ben said. "The rest often doesn't matter. The damage is done."
"Of course the rest matters!" Amaya cried. "Take tonight for example. Snoke told me you were lying. He didn't tell me you were justified in wanting to hide what you were hiding."
Ben fell silent, staring at the floor.
"Why don't we tell each other what he says?" Amaya suggested. "Every single time he talks to us. That way we'll at least be on the same page."
Ben looked over at her. "What if the conversation is private?"
Amaya sighed. "I'll tell you anyway. Actually I'll let you see in my mind. If you don't want to tell me everything Snoke says to you, I understand though."
Ben hesitated, the thought of having to tell her - or worse, show her - everything he and Snoke talked about. He wanted to tell her it was all pointless - that Snoke would find a way to win no matter what - but he bit his tongue. He couldn't destroy her hope.
They lapsed into silence, both lost in their own thoughts. After a while, Ben looked back up at her, remembering a question from earlier.
"Were you really going to tell Master Luke?" He asked, watching her face carefully for signs of deception.
Amaya's eyes widened ever so slightly at the change in topic and she nodded. "Yes." She said.
"But you knew I'd stop you." Ben said, and Amaya nodded once more.
"I was hoping you would." She admitted. "It was a test...but if you hadn't stopped me I would have told Master Luke."
"You would have risked having to leave the Temple?" Ben asked.
"I'm afraid of him, Ben." Amaya said. "I don't want to be his pawn."
Ben examined her face, confused and yet intrigued by the contradictions in it. She was afraid and yet brave enough to serve in a rebellion. She had tricked him into telling her the truth and yet she had been genuine in her intention to tell Luke. She was suited for the Light but unafraid of the Dark.
"Then make him yours." Ben said, meeting her dark eyes with his own.